


SUMMER

by Hichanchen, Smut_Hemingway



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Artist Fan Relationship, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, Complete, Cute Hoseok, Does Hyungwon have more merch than you? Stay tuned., Event-manager Hyungwon, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hoseok is terrified, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyunghyuk are besties, Hyungwon changes his hair-color every second week, Hyungwon is a hard-stan on Twitter, Kihyun is protective of Hoseok, Kihyungwon bickering, M/M, Motorbikes, Poetry, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Singer Wonho, Smut, Top Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Twitter-culture, You will relate, trust us
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-11-06 12:36:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 211,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17939843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smut_Hemingway/pseuds/Smut_Hemingway
Summary: This house we live in is a little strange.I cannot help but notice how your roomRetains a memory of winter’s coldAnd bleakness. Even when the summer heatMakes all things shrivel like a dried-up spongeYour room will not forget the days of frost.Or that old window right above my bed:I cannot close it. Wind and rain drift inAnd now, in summer, I have heat to shareBut what if no one comes? I lie awakeOppressed by heat that I invite, but moreBy fear of colder nights and solitude.Let us break down the wall that separatesYour room from mine, push my bed next to yours,Share memories and fears and temperaturesAnd mourn not when the friendly season fades.I’ll guard you with my warmth from winter’s harms.You shelter me, my home is in your arms.





	1. Prologue Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: SUMMER, which is the first to depict a fan-celebrity relationship. There is a lot of plot, character development and of course breathtakingly beautiful depictions of intimacy. We really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it.  
>   
> The story is already written and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun)  
> A special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie.  
>   
>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)  
> 

When in the chronicle of wasted time  
I see descriptions o the fairest wights,  
And beauty making beautiful old rhyme  
In praise of ladies dead, and lovely knights,  
Then, in the blazon of sweet beauty's best,  
Of hand, of foot, of lip, of eye, of brow,  
I see their antique pen would have expressed  
Even such a beauty as you master now.  
So all their praises are but prophecies  
Of this our time, all you prefiguring;  
And, for they looked but with divining eyes,  
They had not skill enough your worth to sing.  
For we, which now behold these present days,  
Have eyes to wonder, but lack tongues to praise.

William Shakespeare, Sonnet 106

  
_France, Bretagne, Sarzeau, June 20th, 2008_

“I had to stop for gas once and forgot my second helmet like an idiot, so I had to drive back,” Hoseok muttered. Sighing loudly, he dismounted from his bike, pulling the black helmet up and finally freeing his hair that immediately got messed up by the strong wind. He was a little exhausted from the trip and to be honest, his balls were killing him, hundreds of miles with a bike between one's legs wasn’t the most comfortable way to travel, but it was definitely a cheap one. Hoseok was sure that it had been worth it.

“Then you should definitely rest. After you put up your tent.” His mother had the amazing ability to be caring and demanding at the same time, in one sentence. He still wasn’t able to figure out what had more priority.

_If you didn’t figure it out during the first seventeen years of your life, the chances are low that you ever will._

Sighing again, he unloaded the luggage that he had attached to his bike and started to set up his tent. It was black and barely fit two people, but he didn’t care, he was alone anyway. It was a little sad that he couldn’t bring his best friend this time, but he still hoped that the holiday would turn out nice. The weather was a little better than at home, at least it didn’t rain.

“It’s late already, we’ll go out to buy groceries and you can stay here and rest, if you like.” His father’s deep voice sounded exhausted, they must have had a lot of trouble finding the camping ground as his mother’s navigation skills were non-existent and they didn’t have money to buy a proper GPS. Nodding briefly, he patted his dad’s shoulder and smiled in reassurance.

“You can go for a walk too, I think I’ll go to the beach. I really like how no-one is there in the evening,” he commented and walked back to his bike, pulling out two cans of beer and grinning brightly at the raised eyebrow and a huff his mother blessed him with.

“I’m almost eighteen, if I can drive, then I can drink beer too, come on.”

Watching his parents turn the corner, he pulled a light sweater over his slim frame and took both cans of beer, in case he was super thirsty and too lazy to go back. Staring at his Chucks for a few seconds, he thought ‘fuck it’ to putting them on and walked barefoot over the sandy path towards the sea. They had been lucky with the spot, their car was directly next to the bushes and dunes, and behind them he could already hear the sound of the waves he wanted to see so badly. It was a little weird considering he lived on an island, but England was- well, England.

He stepped over the small stone wall and sucked in the fresh scent of the sea. The Atlantic Ocean was beautiful, especially when the sun was setting over the gorgeous expanse of water, seeming so endless that it was hard to comprehend that it was something that had volume and mass.

Licking over his lips and immediately regretting it because of the strong wind, he sat down on a spot on the silvery sand. It was still warm as the sun had just disappeared below the horizon, leaving a memory of how warm and light it had been only a few minutes ago.

Hoseok pulled one of the cans out of his hoodie pocket and opened it with a frizzling noise. It tasted really good, fresh and cold and a little bitter, like the sea, it was nice. It was nice to forget school and people and dreams and worries and just drink beer alone at the beach in a country he didn’t speak the language of and didn’t know anybody from.

There was only the sound of the wind and his own thoughts in his head as he stared ahead and enjoyed the fresh air. It wasn't that late yet, but still the beach seemed to be deserted apart from a long and slim figure a hundred meters away from him. It looked like a boy, playing with the sand by pushing it up with his bare feet and throwing it in the air a little.

Hoseok watched the other kid, but he was too far away to be able to make out his features or what he was trying to do by throwing sand around, so he took another long sip and closed his eyes, feeling the wind ruffle up his black hair, creating something terrific out of his mass of slightly wavy locks.

The sound of moving sand, a little louder than the wind was able to create, entered his ears and Hoseok glanced to the side again. The boy had gotten closer, watching him carefully from a few meters away and smiling brightly as soon as their eyes met. His hair was just as tousled as Hoseok’s if not more and there was some sand sticking to his naked knees and uncovered forearms. The boy must have come to the beach when it was still warm, only dressed in a white t-shirt and black shorts.

Looking at the slim figure, Hoseok tried to make out a facial expression, but failed as it had gotten darker and it was hard not getting sand in his eyes while he was staring. Rubbing over his face once, he concentrated on the ocean again, taking another sip of his beer and hissing at the taste.

Suddenly there was movement on his right side as the boy sat down next to him, keeping a few meters in between like he was too shy to sit down right next to him. It was a little funny because of how big the beach was and all the other possible spots where the guy could have sat down.

The black-haired boy was even slimmer up close, long, thin arms and legs that stretched out over the silver sand and created a perfect picture with the darker color of his skin. Big eyes were focused on the ocean just as Hoseok’s had been and the boy had very plump lips, poking out in his side profile much like the rather potato-shaped nose.

_Maybe he sat next to you because you look Asian._

Clearing his throat, Hoseok blinked a few times, contemplating on what to say, but he was not home in England and nothing came to mind. Beer was a better choice, so he took another sip, leaning back on his arms and looking up.

He could feel eyes on him as the black-haired boy cleared his throat as well and rubbed over the sand with his bare feet, pushing it from side to side. The sound got Hoseok’s attention again and the boy smiled at him. It looked very bright and pushed his cheeks up, making him look a little bit like one of those rodents that his neighbor had as a pet.

There was a mole above his right eye, rather noticeable but the boy quickly brushed his black bangs over it before slowly sliding closer. Getting sandy must have been unbothersome as the other boy rubbed his butt over the sand until he sat right next to Hoseok, still smiling.

“ _Bonjour_ ,” he said with a grin.

_Oh no._

If there was something Hoseok wasn’t prepared for, then it was an Asian teenager speaking French to him while he tried to forget school and all of his problems. He had no idea what to do, as he fidgeted with his hoodie, until he realized that there was another can of beer in there.

_Maybe he just wants a beer and will fuck off?_

Pulling out the can, he stretched it in the boy’s direction, chewing on his lip.

“Uh- Bonjour,” he murmured, asking himself if that was the way to pronounce it. There was obvious surprise on the other boy’s small face as he pointed at himself.

“ _Pour moi_?” he asked and curled his ridiculously long fingers around the can of beer, accepting it and placing it in his lap. “ _Merci beaucoup_.”

_Amazing, you’ve lost the beer and you still have to speak French._

“Oui,” he murmured, not knowing what else to say and nodded. “It’s okay.”

Suddenly there was obvious surprise on the black-haired boy's face until it switched to excitement and he slipped even closer, tilting his head to the side and staring at Hoseok with a wide smile.

“You speak English! That is so much better, indeed,” he commented and pointed at himself again, still smiling. “I'm Hyungwon, what's your name?” He sounded very obviously British.

“Bloody hell, I thought I was going to have to draw shit in the sand because I can’t speak French,” Hoseok exclaimed and threw his head back, feeling the pressure of foreign language communication lifted from his shoulders all at once. Returning his gaze to the boy’s face, he smiled too. “I’m Hoseok, hi.”

“Nice to meet you, Hoseok! Usually only French people go on holiday in the Bretagne, so I try my French first,” Hyungwon exclaimed and gestured with his hands, keeping the beer in his lap. “How long are you here for? You definitely seem better prepared for windy evenings on the beach than I am.” Hoseok had the suspicion that the boy next to him also preferred English with how the amount of words that left his mouth had increased tenfold.

Staring at the way the boy’s huge lips moved, he grinned and took a sip of his beer, waiting until the monologue was over.

“I’m here for a week, I came by bike, that’s why I have to go back earlier, but it’s fun. I also didn’t put on shoes, so, are you here too?” He gestured at the bushes behind them, where the camping ground started.

“Here? In the bushes or what?” Hyungwon asked and laughed loudly. It seemed even louder than the waves. “Unfortunately, I am _way_ over there, about a 20-minute walk. I'm staying for a little longer, it's our ‘grand holiday of grand holidays’, _temps pour la famille_ , you know?” The black-haired boy rolled his eyes and rubbed the can of beer between his palms, still not opening it. His eyes widened suddenly and he pulled his legs under his butt and moved in front of Hoseok, blocking the ocean a little. “Also, you have a bike? Holy shit, that's so cool! What does it feel like to drive on the highway, wind in your hair and all?”

Hoseok snorted and pushed the slim boy to the side, trying to cough to get the beer out of his lungs.

“First of all, not in the bushes, behind the bushes, the camping ground. Second, I don’t know French, so I have no idea what you’re talking about, and yes, I have a bike, it’s really cool but driving on the highway means I would eat insects and look like a sponge if I didn’t wear my helmet.” Chuckling he downed the rest of his beer and glanced at the can caught between the boy’s long legs. “Never ridden on a bike before?”

There was a furious shake of Hyungwon’s small head, throwing his black hair around until he pursed his lips.

“But I hope you take responsibility for just crashing my childhood dreams because insects in my mouth sound fucking disgusting. Ew. Also, I just meant ‘time for the family’ in French. My parents believe in bonding and all, taking the whole family including my grandma and my fifteen cousins and enjoying France with them in the hope that it won't turn into a crime scene. Spoiler, my aunt threw a knife today, so I decided to take a short walk on the beach as you can see.” The black-haired boy laughed again, just as loudly and played with the opening of the can, pulling it back and forth.

_Holy fuck._

“Your family sounds like a lot of fun. Not.” He grinned and brushed back his hair that was feeling like a bird’s nest on his head. “I’m not crushing your dreams, biking is amazing. Come over tomorrow, I’ll give you a ride. I have a second helmet because my mom loves riding with me. But why aren’t you drinking? Want me to help you open it?” Hoseok reached for the can and peeled it out of the other boy’s skinny fingers and opened it, catching the foam with his lips. “Oops.”

Hyungwon chuckled and accepted the beer, taking a big gulp and licking the foam off his lips right after.

“Refreshing,” he commented and took another sip. “Do you mean that? You'd take me for a ride? That would be all kinds of awesome! You give me those wild traveler feels, living in a tent, riding a motorcycle, brushing through wind tossed hair. Sounds bloody exciting. Also, my family isn't that bad, they can just be a handful but they mean well.” Hyungwon licked over his huge lips again and pulled them into his mouth. It looked funny and made his eyes gigantic, a little bit like a cartoon character. It had gotten more difficult to identify his features because of the lack of light.

“Sure, I’ll take you along if you promise not to scream in my ear. Girls love doing that, it’s annoying to be honest and distracts me from driving.”

Hyungwon shrugged at the girl’s comment.

He really wanted another beer and it started getting colder because of the strong wind. Reaching for Hyungwon’s arm, he curled his fingers around it, feeling how cold his skin was.

_He’s fucking freezing like an idiot._

“I am going to get another beer, want to come with me? It’s not far,” he murmured and pulled his hand back.

“Sure!” Hyungwon exclaimed excitedly before grinning and pointing at himself. “Also, about screaming-” Lifting his right hand he connected his index finger and thumb and pretended to close his mouth like a zipper, pulling his fingers along his lips.

“Let’s see.” Hoseok chuckled and jumped up, handing Hyungwon his hand to pull him up. Grasping it tightly, the black-haired boy used it to heave himself up. It was a little surprising how easy it was, almost like Hyungwon weighed nothing despite being several centimeters taller than Hoseok. The difference became more obvious when they were standing next to each other, Hoseok’s nose reaching the boy's lips.

“Wow, you’re tall. How old are you actually?” he asked and let the big palm go, moving in the direction of the camping ground.

Hyungwon's grin got only wider as he took another big gulp of his beer before answering.

“Fifteen.”

“Uh, breaking the law, I see,” he commented and clicked his tongue like the old ladies at the bus stop in Manchester Central when he drove by wearing his black leather jacket and leather pants.

“You offered,” the black-haired boy remarked and shrugged with his shoulders. “In fabulous French.”

“Ah, shut up.” He chuckled at himself as they passed through the small wooden gate between the bushes and turned left. He spotted his small tent and his pretty, red bike immediately. “We’re here and you’re dressed like you should be in Thailand, fuck my life,” Hoseok murmured and closed the distance to his tent, crawling inside and rummaging through his clothes, until he found a thick, black, oversized hoodie that he wore while going on the highway because it was comfortable. Sighing, he stood up and turned to the black-haired summer child.

“Here, you’ll freeze your balls off.”

“I feel pretty warm somehow, but thanks,” Hyungwon replied and chewed on his cheek, accepting the hoodie and pulling it over his slim frame. It made him look younger with how broad it was. “Your bike looks beautiful and it must feel crazy to sleep outside, under the stars basically, with noises everywhere.”

“Mhm, it’s really nice actually, if you have a good sleeping bag. I like it because it makes me think that I don’t need much and I’m free to come and go because there is nothing that’s tying me down.” Hoseok looked up at the stars, they were really beautiful. Turning to his bike, he pulled a can of beer out of the side bag and opened it with a sizzling noise. “I really like my bike, it keeps me sane.”

“You mean there is nothing holding you apart from your parents and your A-levels. You're doing A-levels, right? I'm kinda stressed out over my GCSEs.” There was a deep sigh as Hyungwon simply sat down on the grass and stared up at the sky. “But then again it seems a little meaningless when you look up and feel small. Do you know that meme with those two ants? One looks up at the sky and says how meaningless they feel and the other looks at the ground and bites a chunk out of a wasp, feeling powerful. It came to mind suddenly.”

“A-levels? Forgetting about school went really well, thank you,” he murmured and sat down next to Hyungwon, taking a few gulps of his beer. “There’s always something to be concerned about, it’s tiring. I don’t know if my A-levels are holding me. My parents? I don’t know either.”

“This might be a little heavy for a random talk under the night sky in the middle of the Bretagne, but- have you thought about what you want to do later? What you imagine yourself as? I mean- we get the question all the time and all the people around me keep changing, but it's always the same for me,” Hyungwon explained and let himself fall to the grass, rubbing his hoodie-clad arms and naked legs over it like a snow angel without snow.

“You better wash the hoodie before giving it back.” He laughed and poked Hyungwon’s stomach, forcing him to bend in half.

“I want to make people happy. Sounds weird, right? I really like music, I play piano and I enjoy creating, it’s something that helps me too, a lot, so I would love to do something related to making music. What do you want to do? Ride a bike?”

Hyungwon laughed too, loudly again as he held onto his stomach and rubbed his calves together, warming them up.

“Maybe, but that's not everything. I like writing, putting my thoughts onto paper and finding the right words to express them. It sounds cheesy, I know.” The black-haired boy chuckled and shrugged his shoulders again.

“No, it sounds really nice actually. What do you write? Stories?” Licking over his lips, Hoseok took another gulp of his beer, shaking the can in his hand to determine how much liquid was left.

Hyungwon giggled and covered his mouth with his long fingers, shifting a little.

“I'm a shit story teller, I constantly forget facts and people just get confused, thinking I'm trying to fuck with them. No, not stories. I- well, I like to write poems. Short ones for now because I need ages to come up with the right words.” Again, the boy laughed nervously and brushed his bangs out of his eyes. “I'm not cheesy, I swear. At least I hope not.”

“I think risking being called cheesy is way better than not having anything to say,” he whispered and stood up, looking at his watch. It was almost time for his parents to come back. “Let’s take a walk and you show me where you live,” Hoseok commented and pulled Hyungwon up once again.

The other boy seemed surprised, eyes widening and right hand pointing somewhere in the other direction of the beach.

“Are you sure? It's quite a distance and you'll still have to walk all the way back.” Hyungwon chewed on his bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth in the process.

“I don't have much time until my parents come back and I'm a little achy from having my balls squished for six hours, so walking will be fine with me. But as you like, I'm some weirdo from the beach, so I understand.” Smiling in a friendly way, he emptied his can and walked over to the garbage bag, throwing it inside before turning around to face the black-haired boy.

Instead of hesitation there was only excitement as Hyungwon lifted up on his tiptoes once and curled his fingers around Hoseok’s wrist, pulling him along to the bushes.

“Having your balls squished sounds very unpleasant and graphic, so I'm sure that you will enjoy a walk along the beach. I can offer you something nice to drink too for the way back.” Once they were back on the cool sand Hyungwon pushed it around with his feet. “You said you like music. What do you do? Do you sing?”

“Yes, I sing. I like soul and RnB, it's very comforting to just put everything you feel into lyrics and let the feelings leave you. I don't know if it makes sense, but it's something like that. I compose too, make beats. And do my A-levels in my free time,” he murmured and chuckled, liking how the sand gave out under his feet.

“I think it makes a lot of sense. It's similar to what I do too, isn't it? I also pour out thoughts and feelings, only on paper and without anybody ever listening to it.” Hyungwon must have suddenly realized that he still held onto his hand and let go quickly, laughing nervously. “How old are you, Hoseok?”

_Cute._

“Ah, I'm seventeen. I’ll turn eighteen soon. You remind me of a summer-child, you look really innocent and happy, I like it.” He didn't know why he said it, but Hyungwon gave off this feeling of levity, of easygoingness, the way he stepped over the sand seemed as if he was jumping on clouds.

“Innocent and happy?” the black-haired boy asked and laughed again, brushing through his black hair. “My mom would be proud to hear that. You seem really grown up, with a bike, almost eighteen, all independent. Wearing a leather jacket and sipping on a beer.”

“I wish I wasn't,” he murmured and looked to the side, watching the waves coming closer.

His answer must have surprised Hyungwon as he stepped in front of him and walked backwards, tilting his head a little in question. His face really did have a beautiful golden tone.

“Why?”

“Because I would've loved to stay a child for a little longer, it was nice.” An uncomfortable feeling spread in his lungs and he felt the urge to change the topic as soon as possible. “So you want to be a professional poet when you grow up?” Hoseok chuckled at the implication and lifted his gaze, focusing on the boy’s big eyes.

“Listen up, motorcycle boy, I'm not a child. It's just how my face looks, it's not my fault.” Pouting a little, Hyungwon continued to walk backwards along the sand, right in front of Hoseok while thinking about his answer. He made his lips simply humongous in the process. “I would love to, but you don't get enough money writing poems. Nobody gives a shit about poems to be honest.”

“I do. I really like poems. I know it doesn’t exactly fit with the whole wearing a leather jacket and riding a red motorbike image. But you're right, not enough appreciation is given to people who create things for the soul, it's sad.” Hoseok started walking faster, to see if Hyungwon would trip over the sand.

Interestingly he didn't and merely walked faster, moving his long legs rather skillfully considering his lankiness.

“I totally agree! Just because Rilke was a hopeless romantic and went from one subject of admiration to the next doesn't mean that his poems weren't fantastic! They are fabulous, have you read one? Really emotional and hitting right where it hurts. Metaphorically of course.” The cheerful boy grinned and stopped gesturing wildly with his hands, looking a little embarrassed. “Either way, I'd- love to hear you sing, if it's not ridiculously demanding for night walks on the beach. Nobody is around, so I thought it would be all kinds of epic.”

“Do you have a favorite song?” he asked, clearing his throat a little.

“I do actually. I don't know if you know it, it's from 2006. Amy Winehouse’s ‘Rehab’. It always gets me. She's a very emotional singer, I'm kinda- yeah- emotional for stuff like that.” Hyungwon looked like he felt uncomfortable to admit to that, but quickly switched back to his bright smile, jumping back once to be a little ahead of him.

Smiling back, he sucked the ocean air into his lungs and focused his eyes on the huge orbs of the boy across from him.

“I don't ever want to drink again  
I just, oh, I just need a friend  
I'm not gonna spend ten weeks  
Have everyone think I'm on the mend.  
And it's not just my pride  
It's just till these tears have dried,” he sang while he kept walking until a grin spread his cheeks.

“Ah, I really like it too.”

Hyungwon's dark eyes only widened further as he sang, steps hitching a little until he almost stumbled, catching himself in time.

“You're- wow. You're really good! Your singing voice is also higher than your speaking voice, that was unexpected.” Smiling again, the black-haired boy lifted his right hand and showed him a big thumbs up.

“Do you even know where you're going, summer-child?” he asked, curled his fingers around Hyungwon's shoulders and turned him around, pushing a little.

“Of course, I'm the beach fairy,” Hyungwon replied and laughed loudly, sound rushing with the wind. “We come here every year, so I know it by heart. Also, a little advice, you better not say ‘beach fairy’ with a French accent, _mon ami_.” The carefree boy winked at him and walked on next to him, kicking small amounts of sand in front of himself.

“Why are you so funny, Hyungwon?” he laughed and slapped the boy’s shoulder. “Don't your parents miss you when you just run around with strange people on the beach?”

“You're not strange!” the taller boy exclaimed dramatically and grabbed his chest in fake shock. “My parents are busy with their own holiday and the rest of the family, they mostly want me to be back at night. They know that I'm at the beach anyway, so they could find me if they really wanted to.” Shrugging again, Hyungwon curled his arms around himself and snuggled up in his hoodie. “Now I'm really grateful for this. It's fucking freezing.”

“Ah, I knew that you would freeze your balls off with your attire, is it still a long way?” he asked. If there was something that Hoseok hated then it was cold, it was the worst feeling of them all.

“No!” Hyungwon exclaimed again and pointed ahead at a collection of houses in the distance. One big one was placed right at the beach, backdoor basically opening onto the sand.

“The huge white one is the one I'm staying at with my family. It's always the same every year. Have you been to Bretagne before?”

_Holy shit, this thing is a semi-palace._

“Yes, we come every second year. The house looks crazy, wow. But I'm happy that you're home now.” Coming closer, he stopped, weirded out by the huge, fancy looking building and put both hands into the pockets of his jeans. The facade made him uncomfortable for some reason.

“Yeah, I told you. We are a huge family, but most of them are probably asleep. Come along, I'll give you something tasty to drink!” Hyungwon replied with a bright smile and grabbed his wrist, pulling him along as soon as they got closer. It was a little awkward since Hoseok had tried to keep his hand buried in his pocket. “Then you already know about the baguette phenomenon! Every morning every French person around here leaves the house and comes back with a baguette. It's a proven theory, trust me. I still have the scribbles of nine-year-old me lying around here somewhere providing proof.”

“This- I don't know if I should come along.” He stopped, chewing on his bottom lip. “I'm fine, I will have to pee if I drink more, so- you can just come over tomorrow if you still want to and I'll give you a ride.”

There was obvious disappointment as Hyungwon's face fell and he chewed on his lips again, fingers remaining curled around Hoseok’s wrist.

“Oh,” he murmured and shifted, rubbing sand from one spot to another with his naked foot. “It's okay if you don't want to. I'm sorry if I pressured you!”

“I just feel a little out of place, but it's not your fault, you didn't pressure me, you made me feel occasional moments of levity and I'm really thankful, so I'm definitely going to pay you back by showing you the coast from my bike. If you like. Tomorrow at 6PM? You know where to find me.” Looking up, he buried his foot in the cold sand and hoped that the black-haired boy would still come, even after he declined the offer to come with him to his house.

There was a little bit of hesitation again until Hyungwon suddenly nodded vigorously and crossed the distance. The tall boy curled his long arms around Hoseok’s waist and squeezed once before taking a deep breath and running towards the house. His long legs were rather useful, crossing the distance in seconds. After about half way, he turned around.

“I was happy too, thank you, Hoseok. I'll definitely come tomorrow!” he screamed with his hands curled around his mouth and turned around again, disappearing through the backdoor of the big, white, holiday home.

The sight made his mood so much better. Was it because he was able to feel a little carefree and comfortable next to the black-haired boy? Because he was so young and seemed so innocent and happy that it was almost contagious? Hoseok had no idea, but walking home over the silver shimmering sand, he missed the steps that had sounded next to him before. The company had been really nice.

_Let's see if he really comes._

After arriving at their camping spot, he got scolded for not wearing shoes but his parents were happy after he told them that he made a friend on the beach and might go for a ride tomorrow.

“That's really nice that you found someone you feel comfortable with, it's a little difficult for you usually, isn't it?” His mother crawled into her sleeping bag after brushing her teeth, waiting for his dad to do the same.

“It is,” he whispered and lay back in his small black tent, hoping to have no dreams for once.

  
_

 

It was only a day, but he was already kind of tired of spending time with his parents. He loved them, he really did, but the number of times the talk slid into the uncomfortable discussion about his future plans and education was too high for his taste.

_You can't just tell them that you'll be a singer, mom will kill herself with a pan._

Sighing, he glanced at his watch once again, observing the hands move steadily past six, taking his hope that the black-haired summer-child would come over to go for a ride with him.

“Are you waiting for someone?” his mother asked, leaning back on her camping chair to get a little more of the afternoon sun.

_You are. The question is why._

“Well, I don't know if he'll come, but I thought he wanted to, so I'm waiting. But maybe he wanted to spend time with his family instead, I wouldn't know.” Hoseok sighed again.

“Will you go even if he doesn't come? It's sad to wait for someone who might never show up,” his mother's high-pitched voice commented as he pulled his t-shirt over his slim body and took a fresh one out of his backpack. He immediately felt better after spraying some of the deo under his armpits and enjoying the fresh scent.

“It's quarter past, so I guess I'll go,” he murmured and put his black leather jacket on, ruffling his hair up, as it was going to be ruined by the helmet anyway.

_Just get some air, it's fine._

He felt disappointed, he did, but maybe Hyungwon was mad because he didn't visit his huge, intimidating house. Who knows?

Lifting his leg, he slid on top of the beautiful, red bike and picked up his black helmet, pulling it over his head.

“Wait!” a rather high-pitched voice yelled from the bushes as he saw Hyungwon sprinting down the small hill. The boy wasn't wearing shoes again and his shorts stopped right in the middle of his thighs, just as perfect for summer as the day before. A black bundle of cloth was squished between his arm and chest, probably his hoodie.

Hyungwon stopped right in front of Hoseok’s motorcycle and waved with his free arm. There was sand covering his legs again, falling to the grass from his knees. He must have believed that Hoseok couldn't really see properly through his helmet.

_Hilarious._

“You came,” he muttered and opened the visor, smiling at the sight. “You want to go without shoes?” he asked, eyebrow lifting as he looked at the boy’s attire.

“Do I need them?” Hyungwon asked in surprise and glanced at his naked feet, covered with small grains of sand. “I thought I just put them on your motorcycle and that's it. Are they too dirty? I can clean them!” Lifting his right foot behind himself, the black-haired boy looked at it and rubbed over the surface to remove grass, sand and whatever else had attached on his way from the holiday homes.

“No, no, I think Hoseok doesn't want you to get hurt,” his mother commented and crawled out of his tent, placing his sneakers in front of Hyungwon's naked feet. “You look as if you have the same shoe size.

“Yeah, it's dangerous barefoot,” he agreed and pointed at the hoodie he was holding. “And put that on too, it will get windy.”

“Okay!” Hyungwon exclaimed and pulled the thick fabric over his head, squeezing his hands through the sleeves. “Thank you very much, Ms.- Ehm, Hoseok’s mom.” The black-haired boy laughed again and slipped into the shoes after cleaning his feet some more. Looking up he wiggled with his right arm and lifted an eyebrow. “Everything is pretty long and thin about me, so I can fit my feet anywhere, even smaller shoes.”

“Oh, shut up,” he muttered and threw the second helmet at the black-haired boy. “Here, you have to wear it…”

Hyungwon seemed excited as he pulled it over his small head and continued talking.

“This is all kinds of epic,” he exclaimed before attempting an impersonation of Darth Vader, eyes narrowed and lips pulled together to seem dangerous. It looked hilarious. Once he finished his performance he laughed brightly and pointed at the motorcycle. “Do I just climb on?”

“Get on.” Hoseok pointed at the smaller seat behind him.

“You have to curl your arms tightly around him, he likes narrow curves,” his mother added and returned to her chair. Hyungwon merely nodded furiously and threw his left leg over the motorcycle behind Hoseok. Sliding closer, the slim boy carefully curled his arms around his waist and wiggled his feet.

“Can't wait,” he murmured happily and Hoseok could imagine the wide smile on his face.

“Let's go, summer-child,” he whispered and backed up carefully until they were on a proper path. “See you later,” he shouted towards his parents and curled his fingers around the handle bars, accelerating and leaving the camping ground.


	2. PROLOGUE 2/2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You- are really pretty.” 
> 
> “Like a summer fairy? Unfortunately, I don't have wings, only when you sing.”
> 
> “Not a fairy, more- more like, like when the sky is ablaze after the sunset.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 3rd of March at 2 PM CET.  
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>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

 

 _France, Bretagne, Sarzeau, June 21st, 2008_  
  


Hyungwon yelped and held on tighter, pulling on his jacket in the process.

“This is really cool!” he yelled and shifted a little closer, as much as he could while they were still driving. “It feels like we will fall to the side but we don't! The wonders of physics.”

“Why are you so hilarious, really,” Hoseok shouted and turned into a narrow curve. “Curl your arms tighter, we're going to have some fun.”

“Can't wait!” Hyungwon narrowed his grip and pressed his legs to the motorcycle even though it wasn't really necessary. The black-haired boy seemed really excited and luckily, he didn't screech like the girls did that Hoseok had taken along.

They went over the beautiful coastal highway and Hoseok couldn't wait to show the black-haired boy the gorgeous view from the hill that he really enjoyed as a kid. The wind was okay, because it was still warm, but wearing a leather jacket had definitely been a good idea.

Accelerating some more, they finally arrived at the spot and he stopped, pulling the bike to the side and taking off his helmet. Hoseok shook his head to ruffle up his hair and turned around.

“Get off, but be careful of the exhaust pipe, it gets hot as fuck.”

The black-haired boy nodded furiously before lifting his right leg ridiculously high and placing it as far away from the pipe as possible as he climbed off.

“Safe enough?” he asked with a grin and turned in a few circles while still wearing the helmet. “It feels so different to be able to drive around! The opposite of teenage Robinson Crusoe stuck on the beach in the Bretagne pretending to _profiter du paysage_.”

“Whatever you say mister baguette, take off the helmet and look,” he murmured, leaving his bike on the side and walking over to the edge. There was a metal railing and he curled his fingers around it while looking down on the Atlantic Ocean, it was beautiful, breathtakingly beautiful.

There was a little bit of fumbling until Hyungwon's slim frame, swimming in his oversized hoodie, appeared next to him. The black-haired boy squinted a little to see despite the sun and seemed overwhelmed by the sight, mouth opening in awe.

“I've never been here before! It is beautiful, Hoseok. Like the sun is touching everything with careful fingers, just with its fingertips, covering it in sun dust. It's- wow. I suck at finding the right words.” Hyungwon chuckled and rubbed over his messed-up hair.

“You look like Tai from Digimon,” he muttered before focusing on the gorgeous sight again. “I think you're pretty good with words and you seem to talk a lot. I'm expecting a poem about this.”

“Oh god, Tai tells me everything I need to know about my hair,” Hyungwon muttered and kept pressing it flat to his scalp, without much success. “I'll do my best to write you a poem, maybe you will even see it before you leave. But-” Grinning, the black-haired boy turned towards him and poked his chest once. “But only if you sing some more for me. Your voice is really beautiful, _meilleur des meilleurs_.”

“Listen, if you keep talking French to me, I'm going to leave you here,” Hoseok hissed and buried his finger in Hyungwon's stomach, forcing him to bend in half. “But thank you for the compliment. Here’s some Amy again.” He cleared his throat and closed his eyes.

“We only said goodbye with words  
I died a hundred times  
You go back to her  
And I go back to  
I go back to us,” he finished and opened his eyes.

Hyungwon watched him with big eyes and parted lips, visibly in wonder. The black-haired boy must have really liked it.

“You know, there are some voices one hears and they don't sing off tune and it does sound rather pretty, but that is also basically it. With you it's like- like someone reached out and carefully lifted me off the ground, enabling me to listen and to forget that I am stuck to the ground, unable to soar. Your voice makes me feel like soaring,” he whispered and brushed through his hair again while chewing on his cheek. There was still a little bit of sand stuck to his naked legs that he attempted to remove, rubbing over his bony knees furiously.

Leaning closer, Hoseok smiled at the compliment and decided to give his performance a nice finish. He really loved singing.

“And life is like a pipe  
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside,” he sang, while looking into Hyungwon's huge eyes. “It's my favorite song, it catches my mood really well. Thank you for liking my voice. I really want to hear one of your poems some time.”

“It makes it even more special because you sing it as a man. At least it seems like that to me,” Hyungwon muttered and turned back to the gorgeous sight, hands curling around the railing and slim body leaning over it. “Do you really want to hear it?”

“I do. Why would I say so otherwise?” He turned away from the black-haired boy and watched as the rays of sunshine slid along the expanse of blue water. It made him feel really small.

It was quiet until Hyungwon suddenly inhaled deeply and kept his face turned away, eyes closed.

“I am almost ready now, a cloud  
Inside of me the raindrops have already  
Condensed, only the lightness of a doubt  
Suspends them in me still, afloat, unsteady

Give me but a moment now and I  
Dissolve entirely and soar no more  
I am all fall, I tumble from the sky  
Towards your desert skin and thirst and sore 

I permeate you, find the hidden seed  
And we explode with life, with greening greed  
You were a desert, I was summer rain 

  
Our bliss is short, forgetfulness must fade  
I miss the sky, I must evaporate  
And be a cloud to fall for you again.”

The black-haired boy recited softly, voice a little lower than when he spoke and much calmer. Hyungwon still had his eyes closed when he finished, chest rising and falling quickly even though his voice had been level.

Hoseok didn’t know what was crazier, that the boy next to him was able to create such beauty by opening his mouth, or that the words immediately materialized inside his mind, creating a beautiful picture.

_They are the most beautiful words you've ever heard._

“That- that was beautiful, I wish I could write it down to remember,” he whispered, staring at Hyungwon’s face in awe.

The black-haired boy chuckled, opening his eyes and shaking his head slowly.

“Please don't, I will be embarrassed.” A strong breeze passed over the hill and Hyungwon stretched out his arms, yelling ‘I am the king of the world’. He laughed loudly right after, almost bending in half. “I always wanted to do that.”

“I really want to remember it though,” he replied quietly, after chuckling at the boy’s hilarious outburst. “Get on, it will be dark soon.”

Turning around, Hoseok sat on his bike and pulled the helmet over his head, waiting for Hyungwon to do the same.

“Is it dangerous at night on a bike?” Hyungwon asked and climbed on behind him, helmet safely placed over his head and slim arms curled tightly around Hoseok’s waist. “Thank you for taking me along. Everything about you makes me feel like I can soar.”

“It’s an illusion,” he replied and turned the key, listening to the sounds of the engine. “It’s not dangerous, but you’ll get cold again. We can watch the sunset when we got back if we’re fast enough. Hold on tightly.” Turning on the light, he drove back to the road and went down the hill, leaning into narrow curves and feeling Hyungwon’s arms tighten around his waist. He could feel how the black-haired boy rubbed his thumb over his clothed stomach repeatedly while leaning his head on his shoulder. “I love illusions,” Hyungwon yelled over the wind.

It felt so nice to ride next to the ocean that he was a little disappointed when they got back. He noticed his parents were gone, probably out for a walk, as he parked his bike next to the black tent.

“You know what it’s called? My bike? It’s a Honda Shadow, and I really like the name, shadow. It’s like my shadow, free and able to go anywhere.” Hoseok put his helmet on the seat after getting off the bike.

“I wish I was a shadow sometimes, invisible but seeing everything.” Hyungwon smiled and slipped to the right, smoothly sliding off the backseat until he suddenly screamed and fell onto the soft grass. His breathing sounded rough as the black-haired boy leaned over to stare at his right leg in shock, lips pulled together into a thin line. “Well, fuck.”

_Oh no._

He immediately rushed over and crouched down, grabbing the other man’s slim calf and watching as the skin turned red. It looked a little melted, slipping to the side like a smooth, tan layer.

“Did you touch the exhaust pipe? Fuck, Hyungwon, why don’t you listen?” He bit down on his lip and looked around, remembering their ice box and immediately running over to get a Sprite because it was the only thing that was cool in there. “Here, put this against it. Shit, it’s really hot, the burn is no joke.”

“Ouch,” Hyungwon remarked and chuckled, accepting the cold bottle and holding it against his right calf. “Not listening must be a character trait, sorry. I was also late because I didn’t listen.” He laughed, unbothered and as if he hadn’t just burned a fist-sized patch of skin off his leg.

“Why didn’t you listen? Did you forget that we were supposed to meet at six? But holy shit, I think you need to treat it, no sunset then,” he murmured, fingers still curling around the smooth skin under the burn. “I don’t know if we have antiseptic, but we might.”

“Of course, I didn’t forget! I was really looking forward to it! My mom asked me to sweep the veranda, but I just danced with the broom instead, faffing around, so she forced me to stay and do it. It was a very depressing experience and I apologize for being late. Also,” Hyungwon stood up and pointed at Hoseok before pointing at the setting sun. “I want to see it. I’ve had burns before and I am sure that it will be alright. I have priorities.”

“You- are you stupid?” Hoseok asked, but stood up nevertheless. He really wanted to see the sunset. “Anyway, I’m sorry that you burned yourself on my bike. Are you sure that you want to see the sunset? Wait, let me grab a beer and you can have the Sprite.” He grinned and pulled a can of his favorite Manchester beer out of the ice box.

“So, suddenly I have to be fifteen again?” Hyungwon asked and grinned back, opening the Sprite with quick fingers and taking a big gulp. “I object to being called ‘stupid’, I prefer the be the one who takes the biscuit.” Laughing loudly, the black-haired boy wrapped his long fingers around Hoseok’s wrist and pulled him along towards the bushes. “I assume we will watch it on the beach, right? It is the most beautiful when it sets over the ocean. _La cerise sur le sundae._ ”

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about most of the time. Besides when you recited the poem today, that was clear,” he murmured, letting himself be dragged over the sand. When they arrived, he took off his leather jacket and spread it on the silver, shimmering sand, and sat down, leaving space for Hyungwon. “And you don’t have to be fifteen. You are fifteen.”

“Shh, it’s a secret,” the black-haired boy hissed and slapped his thigh with his left hand, laughing right after. He sat down next to Hoseok and stretched out his long legs, enjoying the sight of the ocean. “When I write poems I want to express, but also to be understood. Of course, I put more effort into it. Were you born in Britain, Hoseok?”

“Nah, my parents came from Australia, I was born there. Besides being of Korean origin of course, but I grew up in Manchester, so-” He shifted a little as they sat really close to each other. “I like your poems.”

“Thank you, really.” Hyungwon smiled brightly and reached out to stroke over the back of his hand once that lay in between them. “I was born in London, grew up in London and the only thing that brings my parents here is that one French relative from several centuries ago that everybody associates with. If you think me adding French words is annoying, you should hear my mom. She doesn’t stop, ever. Everything is ‘oh lala’ or ‘répugnant’.”

“That sounds like hell.” Hoseok chuckled and pointed at the sea where the sun started dipping into the waters, painting the ocean into shades of pink and lilac. It was beautiful. “What are the things that matter to you?” he asked out of nowhere.

It was silent apart from the blowing wind as the black-haired boy hummed in thought, sliding his heels over the wet sand.

“Usually the answer would be the same for everybody I guess, family, friends, lovers, freedom, the possibility to do what you like, but- I don’t know how much of it is really what I think and how much is something that I am supposed to say. Do you know what I mean? Maybe you do not feel that close with your family and prefer to feel sand under your bare feet, but still you would have to say that your family matters, even if the real answer would be ‘sand’. In my case-” Hyungwon inhaled deeply and stretched out his hand, spreading his fingers and arranging the sun right in between the space between his middle and index finger. The sunlight shone prettily on his face in the form of a triangle, showing the chestnut brown color of his eyes. “Moments like these matter to me, because only through experiences I am able to write. If nothing changes then there is nothing for me to tell.”

“I don’t know if there is anything that matters to me. Sometimes things do, but then they don’t. Sitting with you here is nice, it matters, but it might get irrelevant with time, a memory that didn’t carry anything, or a memory that wasn’t nice or painful enough, I don’t know.” Hoseok bit down on his bottom lip and fumbled with the can, finally opening it after two tries.

“Do you prefer nice or painful memories? It's difficult to tell with you,” Hyungwon replied softly and buried his right hand in the sand, playing with it as he spoke. “No matter if you remember it in the end or not it still makes you who you are.”

“You’re probably right. What do you prefer? The nice or the painful ones?” Hoseok took a sip of his beer as he kept staring at the sun disappearing beyond the horizon.

“I write better with the painful ones, but I like feeling the nice ones if that makes sense,” the black-haired boy replied and inhaled again. Hoseok could see how he lifted his left hand and used the index and middle finger as two legs. Walking over to his own hand that rested between them, Hyungwon covered it with his big one, warm against his skin.

It felt nice, as if the sun was warming it, only with more intensity.

“It makes sense, I guess it might be the same for me, but I’m not really sure either.” Turning towards the black-haired boy, he watched how the last rays of sunshine painted his skin into a gorgeous color, it looked breathtaking. “I’m weird, right? Not being sure about anything.”

“I think it'll get to me too. I'm just not close enough to having to make lasting decisions, so I'm still calm.” Hyungwon squeezed his hand, keeping his own right on top of it. “You'll figure it out eventually, Hoseok, I'm sure.”

“I’m a little envious of your carefree attitude, you seem naturally light, as if you’re walking on clouds and no-one can stop you.” He let his gaze rest on the boy’s face for a little longer than appropriate. He was really pretty. “As if it’s always summer when you’re around.”

“It's always summer when I'm here,” Hyungwon replied softly and squeezed his fingers in between the spaces of Hoseok’s. “Maybe I only walk on clouds because you make me soar. You should try it, close your eyes and walk over the sand into the waves.”

_Maybe you should. Just do it._

He nodded and removed his hand from under Hyungwon’s palm, pulling his shirt over his head and the sneakers off his feet. Turning around he smiled at the black-haired boy, excitement taking over his body.

“I hope you know what you’re talking about,” he shouted and closed the distance to the water, dipping his foot in before closing his eyes and stepping into the cold waves. His jeans got soaked and stuck to his skin, but he still walked further, until the water reached up to his chest. Taking a deep breath, he dunked under one of the bigger waves, feeling how the cold took over everything, burning against his skin like tiny needles.

Big swells moved around him until he felt warm hands under his arms that pulled him back up. Once he opened his eyes, he was met with Hyungwon’s smiling face, mouth opened wide and cheeks a little pink, probably from the cold or from running all the way. The black-haired boy was fast.

“You didn’t have to run all the way in, you crazy!” the other boy exclaimed and rubbed over Hoseok’s shoulders and arms. “You are really pale, make sure to get some sun while you are here!”

“Shit, why is it so fucking cold? Fuck my life,” he murmured and brushed his wet hair back, curling his arms around himself. “I’ll just get burned, so I smear baby sunscreen on my body and try not to die.”

“Cute,” Hyungwon commented and laughed loudly. “So much for the big, bad boy on a motorcycle. It’s only cold because you aren’t used to it yet. I do this almost every night before going to bed. It feels amazing to sleep after a swim in the cold sea, makes you feel teeny tiny under the stars. Look up.” Laughing loudly, the black-haired boy pushed himself up and lay down in the water, floating next to Hoseok and staring at the sky.

“Hmm, I guess you’re summer and I’m winter,” he whispered and did the same, looking at the red-blue sky, colors mingling and slowly changing into the dark blue of the night. “You shouldn’t have gone into the sea with the burn, Hyungwon,” he murmured, splashing water into the boy’s face for the insult.

Hyungwon stretched out his tongue before cursing loudly because of the salty taste.

“Isn’t salt water a potent disinfectant? Can’t we pretend?” He chuckled and kicked Hoseok’s thigh lightly, floating next to him. “Chemistry is not on my side today. You know, Hoseok, I’d prefer if you were autumn or spring, then we would always meet when the seasons change. But-” The black-haired boy swam a little closer and made sure to stand on his feet again. “But if you’re winter then I’ll have to make sure you stay warm enough.” Slim arms curled around his middle and pulled him back to his feet as Hyungwon pressed his face into his shoulder. The carefree boy had to curl his spine because of their height difference.

It felt really nice, warm and safe and Hoseok felt like melting into the Atlantic Ocean. Was it okay to hug back?

_Maybe it is?_

He lifted his hands out of the cold water slowly and wrapped them around Hyungwon’s waist hesitantly, feeling the heat of the boy’s skin under the soaked shirt.

“Why- are you so nice to me?” he asked, afraid to move.

“Why shouldn’t I be? Are you evil, Hoseok? You don’t look all that evil to me,” Hyungwon commented with a chuckle and changed the hug by sliding his hands upwards along his chest and curling them around Hoseok’s neck instead, pulling him close. “Would you- and only if you want to of course, I am definitely not somebody who forces anybody into anything- would you sing for me again?”

He closed his eyes and listened to the sound of the waves while Hyungwon’s slim arms held onto him. The words materialized in his head along with the noises of the waves moving around him.

 

“But every moment we could snatch  
I don't know why I got so attached  
It's my responsibility  
You don't owe nothing to me  
But to walk away, I have no capacity,” he finished, before taking another deep breath and singing quietly right next to the boy’s ear.

 

“He walks away  
The sun goes down  
He takes the day, but I'm grown  
And in your way  
In this blue shade  
My tears dry on their own.”

“You must like her as much as I do,” Hyungwon whispered and he could feel the way the boy’s fingers played with the fine hair at his nape, brushing over it carefully. “I am really grateful to have met you, Hoseok. Suddenly the beach seems so much more alive, like the waves whisper, the sand murmurs and the wind sings into my ear, just like you do. Your voice is beautiful, I hope you will continue to do music. I will be your first fan.”

“Mhm, and I will be yours. It feels so strange because my legs feel like they’ll fall off and my upper body is burning.” Hoseok closed his eyes and pressed himself closer to feel more of the intense warmth Hyungwon’s body was able to give him.

_He must really be summer._

“I’ll make you feel even warmer,” the boy in his arms whispered and he could feel long fingers sink in between the wet strands of his black hair and Hyungwon’s naked calf brushed over his own jeans-clad one. There was a hot exhale that travelled over his lips, like they were much closer than they had been only moments ago. The ocean was loud in his ears, washing over his waist and elbows and pushing Hyungwon against his chest with each wave.

The transition was so seamless, from the way warmth enveloped his chest and neck, to the hot exhales against his mouth that tickled a little and finally to the sensation of something soft and a little wet pressing against his lips, barely present and hesitant. It was so warm, like the sun itself had decided to brush over his lips, smelling like the ocean and lilies.

Keeping the air inside his lungs, he closed his eyes and moved his lips, attempting to feel more of the warmth that felt like walking over the sun into the waves, like Hyungwon had said before.

His response only invited more warmth and more contact as the black-haired boy wrapped his arms tightly around his neck and tilted his head a little upwards to make it easier as plump lips brushed over his own, wet and a little salty as long fingers tugged at his hair.

_It feels like kissing the sun._

He tasted the ocean mixed with hotness, like an explosion in the sea, like the sunset over the deep waters. Hoseok tightened his embrace and exhaled sharply against the burning lips, before attempting to return the warmth and pressing his mouth against Hyungwon's plump one.

There was a brief whimper as the black-haired boy stumbled a little, but held onto Hoseok and pulled him along, moving a step deeper into the ocean. There were a few rough gasps until the softness returned, stroking over his mouth and pulling at his bottom lip a little. He heard a sound accompanying the sensation, it must've been him.

His fingers curled into the fabric of Hyungwon's soaked shirt as he leaned forward, licking over the salty surface of the boy's red lips. It felt crazy when the plump mouth parted and he traced the brief sensation of a tongue, carefully sliding along his bottom lip, hesitantly until it disappeared and there was only another deep exhale, tickling his wet lips.

“Do you- feel warmer?” Hyungwon whispered carefully, words almost drowning in the sound of the waves.

_You feel like you don't want to stop._

“I’m on fire,” he whispered, staring at the parted mouth in front of him, so close, he just needed to lean in to taste it. Instead he loosened his embrace and leaned back a little.

“I- I'm okay,” he murmured, feeling his face burning even though there was no sun, just the slowly approaching darkness and the sea that surrounded him. “Let's get out, we'll both freeze.”

“Of course,” Hyungwon said quickly and waved around with his arms as if he tried to push the masses of water away from them, smiling brightly. “Do you think we can warm up a little at your campsite? Do you have a fluffy blanket?”

_It's okay, nothing happened, Hoseok._

“Huh? Ah- sure, but not a blanket, a sleeping bag for two people. Let's go.” He moved towards the beach, hating the way his jeans stuck to his legs and hoping that he didn't show any inappropriate reaction to what happened. As soon as he reached the sand, he ran towards their spot and picked up his shirt, waving at Hyungwon to come quickly.

The black-haired boy sprinted over, jumping from one leg to the other and picking up Hoseok’s hoodie he had dropped on the sand.

“I should have taken my shirt off but I am basically a very long beanpole,” he remarked and chuckled, squeezing some of the water out of his white shirt. There was no real point in wearing it with how transparent it had become, sticking to equally dark skin and even darker nipples, poking through the fabric from the cold.

He couldn't help but stare, even though it was stupid, as if he had never seen nipples before. It was really embarrassing. Tearing his gaze away, Hoseok hummed.

“I'm a beanpole too, just not tall. It kind of suits you, but I don't like my body, I want to be bigger.”

“‘Bigger’?” Hyungwon asked and lifted his index fingers as a sign for inverted commas. His eyebrows rose and he grinned. “Is being the big, bad boy your thing? I think it’s sweet to be two beanpoles. We can intertwine and make a ribbon.” Again, Hyungwon laughed loudly and simply pulled his shirt over his head, giving up and wringing the rest of the water out. The hoodie was carelessly tied around his hips.

“Let's meet in ten years and I'll throw you around and you can flutter your hands like you do now, it would be a magnificent sight.” Hoseok chuckled and kept staring at the boy’s naked chest. He had golden skin, just like the sand looked when the sun set and painted it beautifully. “I'm not a bad boy, do I seem like one?” he asked, walking in the direction of the camp ground after tearing his gaze away from Hyungwon's naked skin.

“It must be a mixture of beer, the leather jacket, the motorcycle and being unsure about what you want to do,” Hyungwon replied with a bright smile and curled the fingers of his right hand around Hoseok’s upper arm, holding on tightly. “The singing gives off a different impression, but somehow I doubt that you show that to everybody. It’s beautiful.”

Hoseok felt his face heat up again as the fingers around his arm seemed to burn into his skin with how warm they suddenly seemed. Licking over his lips, he looked to the side and sang quietly.

 

“So, we are history  
Your shadow covers me  
The sky above ablaze.  
I wish I could sing no regrets  
And no emotional debt  
'Cause as we kissed goodbye, the sun sets  
So we are history  
Your shadow covers me  
The sky above ablaze  
That only lovers see.”

 

As soon as he almost whispered the last line, realizing how weird it must've seemed considering the situation from before, they arrived at his tent. His parents still hadn't come back, but maybe it was better that way. Fewer weird questions.

“Uh- I think you should definitely undress,” he murmured and crouched down, taking two t-shirts and loose cotton shorts out of his luggage. “I mean wear something else. Wait, here.” Turning around, he handed the black-haired boy the dry clothes. “Let me change really quick,” he whispered and disappeared in his parents’ tent because one could stand in there. He changed, leaving out the underwear.

“I agree, we should totally undress,” Hyungwon exclaimed loudly and laughed again, shuffling in front of the tent. It sounded like he was changing outside, not caring too much about who saw it.

“You're crazy, aren't you?” Hoseok pulled the shorts over his butt and stepped out.

“Why? Because I consider it okay to show my naked legs to basically nobody?” Hyungwon chuckled and gestured around the camping area that seemed rather deserted. It must have been either late or the perfect time for everybody to go somewhere else, enjoy a glass of red wine in a more crowded area or whatever French people did on holiday.

“No, for a lot of reasons.” Rubbing his arms furiously, he crawled into his black tent and opened the big sleeping bag, covering himself. “Fuck, why is it so cold?”

“You’re the one who just ran into the water!” Hyungwon exclaimed in defense before he poked his head through the opening in the tent and chewed on his cheek. “Can I join you?”

“Feel free, it'll be cozy.” He chuckled and opened the side for Hyungwon to climb inside, remembering how he had shared the sleeping bag with his best friend last time that they came here, it had been funny.

“I like cozy,” the black-haired boy murmured and smiled softly, cheeks rising up again and making his face look a little puffy. Hyungwon slipped his long legs into the sleeping bag next to his, brushing against his cold skin and simply curling his arms around his waist as he attached himself to his body. “I’m sorry, I’m still a little wet. Courtesy of not having towels.”

“It's fine, I'm wet too, I'll think of you when I sleep in a damp sleeping bag tonight,” he commented and closed the zipper, pulling them together even more. “But still you're warm. You're the summer in its human form.”

“It’s because I like you. I’m like a firefly, I glow when I’m happy,” the boy’s low voice murmured next to him and he giggled. A long leg slid over his and Hyungwon turned to the side, embracing him sideways and thereby taking up less space. He could feel the way the shorts he had lent Hyungwon were rather loose on his hips, rubbing over his own whenever he moved. “Undressing would have been smarter. Do you know those bad romance movies where they survive because they cuddle naked on some mountain? It sounds ridiculous but it’s accurate. Physics strikes again.”

“You- you want to cuddle naked? But- that's what the sleeping bag is for, it's warm and we will get warm. Soon.” He stuttered a little, not knowing what to say and feeling the black-haired boy's body flush against his own.

Hyungwon laughed again and buried his nose in the crook of Hoseok’s neck. It was the only part of the boy’s skin that was colder than him, sending a few shivers down his spine.

“I didn’t say we should do it, only that it would be warmer. You are cute, Hoseok,” the black-haired boy commented and only dug his face further into the crook of his neck, plump lips brushing along his neck.

It got hot suddenly, really hot. His skin was burning. Hoseok didn't know whether it was because of Hyungwon's lips against his neck, the memory of the kiss that they had shared in the waves or just from the boy’s presence. Fact was: he was ablaze.

“I- don't think that I'm cute, you're cute, you have this childish innocence. The way you speak and move tells me that you must be really lighthearted. It's nice.” He spoke quietly, as the boy’s ear was right next to his mouth. They were so close, he didn't know what to do.

_What do people do when they're this close? You know what people do, Hoseok._

“Hush, shouldn’t you know that there is nobody in this world who enjoys being called a child? I’m not a child, couldn’t you tell from my poem?” Hyungwon sighed and slid his leg a little further over Hoseok’s legs, all the way until the boy’s knee was somewhere on his thighs. “Will you let me make you feel warm again?”

His breath got stuck in his throat, accompanied by the shiver that passed through his body and must've been felt by Hyungwon, who basically lay on top of him.

“Well, you're- not really a child, no,” Hoseok pressed out and sucked in another breath that he kept inside his lungs, struggling with his answer.

He could feel Hyungwon smile against his skin as the black-haired boy shifted again and lifted his head. Warm air was blown into his ear before the pretty boy’s face appeared in front of his.

“Do I make you nervous? I'm sorry if I do. I'm just as nervous, I swear,” Hyungwon whispered and grabbed Hoseok’s palm, pressing it to his chest. It was easy to feel the way the tall boy's heartbeat hammered against his hand, vibrating along his fingers.

“All of it makes me nervous,” he admitted, staring at his own palm against Hyungwon's chest before lifting his eyes and locking his gaze with the tall boy. He was pretty, really pretty, way prettier than any girl he had seen or kissed before.

“But that's okay, isn't it? You can just- stop me if you don't like something or feel uncomfortable.” Hyungwon smiled again, cheeks lifting high up and spreading his plump lips into a thin line, a deep red color and soft-looking. The black-haired boy shifted so that he was lying on top of him, legs entangled and warm chest flush against his own. “Okay?” the rather low voice whispered, sounding loud in the small tent.

_But what if you like it? What then?_

Swallowing loudly, he couldn't tear his gaze from Hyungwon's eyes, his lips, his round nose, the way his black bangs framed his tender face.

“Holy fuck,” he whispered, overwhelmed as he lifted his hands, letting them rest on the boy's lower back.

Hyungwon licked over his plump lips and nodded like he was agreeing with him. The black-haired boy shifted a little and hissed as a blush appeared on his face. It was difficult to tell with how little light there was, but there was more color right below his eyes and the tip of his nose. It felt really warm with the slim body on top of him, naked calves brushing over his own.

_It's not supposed to be this intense._

“I like the shape of your lips,” the pretty boy whispered, following the curve of his bottom lip with his long index finger. “They are like crescents that were turned 90 degrees and the corners of your mouth are the tips. I love it.” Suddenly Hyungwon chuckled and tilted his head a little, smiling. “And your nostrils look like pretty hearts.”

“You- are really pretty,” he whispered and licked over his lips after Hyungwon had touched them with his thumb.

“Like a summer fairy?” the slim boy asked and brushed through his black hair, ruffling it up a little and throwing a few stray strands messily over his forehead, covering his chestnut brown eyes. “Unfortunately, I don't have wings, only when you sing.”

“Not a fairy, more- more like, like when the sky is ablaze after the sunset.”

_The one only lovers see._

His hands were shaking a little as he let them travel over the boy's back carefully. The tension was killing him.

Hyungwon hummed lowly and moved a little closer, almost brushing over his lips with his own.

“Can I set you ablaze too? So that… I'm not the only one burning like this.” The boy’s words sounded breathy as he stared into Hoseok’s eyes, keeping the contact even when his features blurred because they were so close.

“I am- ablaze,” he whispered, barely perceiving his own voice with how fast his heart was beating. It felt like he was drowning, there was not enough air. Not nearly enough.

Impulsively, he curled his fingers into Hyungwon's wet hair and pulled him against his lips, exhaling sharply against the hot mouth, soft and giving out under the pressure.

The black-haired boy gasped and kissed back, applying pressure himself and placing his left elbow next to Hoseok’s head while his other hand brushed over his chest. Hyungwon was trembling a little but it couldn't have been the cold. For that, the skin that brushed his own felt too hot. The pretty boy's hot tongue licked over his bottom lip and he pressed himself closer, whimpering softly.

“You-” he whispered, but nothing else came out as he licked over Hyungwon's thick upper lip, parting his mouth, before kissing it again. His right hand kept stroking the boy's hair while his left one traced along his spine. He could feel how it curled every now and then.

Hyungwon lifted his head briefly to whisper ‘shh’ at him before their lips met again and the slim boy slipped his right leg in between his, shifting a little. Long fingers stroked over his chest and cupped his face before sinking into his hair and tugging a little, enough to deepen the kiss.

Gasping for air helplessly, he didn't want to break the contact and the touches, licking over Hyungwon's lips hungrily and roaming over his back. It got so hot that he was scared. Scared to break the kiss and scared to react to it.

Hyungwon seemed to be just as breathless, inhaling sharply through his nose and whimpering a little. The slim boy kept pulling their bodies flush, burning in the heat of the moment. There were a few drops of sweat that mixed with the ocean water and ran down the boy's forehead. Teeth pulled at his bottom lip and Hyungwon had his eyes closed, exhaling roughly. Each motion made the sleeping bag rustle a little, emphasizing how close they were inside the tiny tent.

It was getting hard, literally, and he had to pull Hyungwon back a little to bite down on his lip and to suppress a moan as Hyungwon rubbed his thigh against his groin. The black-haired boy was less discreet as his eyes fluttered open and he moaned softly with parted lips, staring at him intently. Hoseok could feel a shiver pass through Hyungwon’s legs and he shifted, erection pressing into his short-clad thigh.

_Oh god._

“I- you make me react, Hyungwon, this- you can't be wanting this,” he whispered, swallowing and trying to hold himself back, but it was already too late. There was almost no fabric between them, so Hyungwon must've felt how hard he was.

“Does it feel good?” Hyungwon asked him, breaths ragged and knee smoothly sliding along his thigh and over his groin. The boy's eyes looked a little different, darker somehow and his lips were deep red, even plumper than before.

“What if it does?” he asked, licking over his lips endlessly. His hand shivered against Hyungwon's lower back as he kept breathing heavily, choking on the intensity of his arousal. He had never felt like this, why hadn't he felt like this before? Was it magical? But magic didn't exist, because otherwise he would've had a normal childhood.

The black-haired boy smiled and brushed a sweaty strand from his forehead. Hyungwon always looked so happy and calm, like everything was okay.

“Isn't that a good thing, if it feels good?” he asked and placed another kiss against Hoseok’s lips, meeting his tongue briefly before he placed a few more kisses along his chin and on his neck. “I feel good too. My legs always tremble because I'm a damn chicken,” the pretty boy commented and chuckled, brushing over Hoseok’s groin again.

“Fuck,” he hissed and felt the desire to shut Hyungwon's mouth. It was worse when the black-haired guy was speaking. “You are pretty active for a chicken,” he whispered and bit down on his lip again, wiggling under Hyungwon's body.

“Very good overcompensation, I can barely breathe,” the pretty boy murmured and moved his thigh again while watching him and chewing on his bottom lip. Hyungwon seemed unable to help it with the gasps that left him at the sight. “I- can I touch you? Please?”

“You want to touch me? Why?” he asked as if the answer mattered. He was scared, scared of his reaction, it wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't a virgin or anything, he knew what pleasure was, the girls he had slept with were all pretty and it was fun, but none of it felt like this.

_Maybe it's because you're on holiday? Because you're going crazy? Maybe it's one of those dreams again?_

“Why? Ehm, well-” The question must have caught the black-haired boy off guard as he shifted again and chewed on his cheek. His face had gotten even more red, reaching the tips of his curled ears. “Because you look nice when you- well, when you feel good.”

“How do you know what I look like when I feel good?” he asked again, trying to calm down his breathing. Hyungwon looked beautiful. Why did he look beautiful? Why wasn't he just some guy? Why did he react like this to a kiss that should've been completely meaningless?

The black-haired boy shifted until he was right on top of him again, hips aligned.

“Well, because-” Hyungwon murmured and pressed his hips down, rolling them over Hoseok’s groin and gasping himself, eyes fluttering shut as Hoseok’s vision blurred. “This- this feels good.” The pretty boy was breathing heavily and trembling a little again. His eyes kept closing for a few seconds before they opened again.

He slapped his hand against his mouth, muffling a desperate moan and stared at the black-haired boy on top of him with wide eyes. He kept his hand in front of his mouth, other hand shaking against Hyungwon's lower back. He wanted to run away somewhere to not deal with his reaction, but there was nowhere to run. Hyungwon was sitting on top of him, fueling his arousal infinitely.

“Do you want me to stop, Hoseok?” the slim boy asked carefully and brushed over his cheek, kissing his lips briefly. He seemed worried despite the obvious signs of arousal on his face and the way his chest lifted with each inhale.

Removing his hand from his face slowly, Hoseok swallowed.

“I don't know,” he whispered.

“I really don't want to scare you. I just think you are really handsome and kissing your lips feels really nice. I enjoy brushing my fingers over your skin and to see how you push your bottom lip upwards when you feel good. It's nothing heavy, I swear.” Hyungwon spoke quickly and had his eyes wide open, right hand caressing Hoseok’s cheek and stroking through his hair. “I like being summer for you, keeping you warm.”

“I'm getting sunburnt,” he replied, but it was useless, he couldn't handle the tension. Exhaling sharply, he pulled down the zipper of the sleeping bag and sat up. Their faces were only a centimeter away and he leaned in, licking into Hyungwon's hot mouth hungrily.

The black-haired boy hadn't expected the sudden kiss as he threw his hands into the air and placed them flat against his chest, before he wrapped his arms around his neck instead and kissed back. The only noise was the crash of the waves in the distance that mixed with the sounds of their ragged breathing.

Hyungwon whimpered into the kiss and slipped his long legs out of the sleeping bag before narrowing his thighs around Hoseok’s. The slim boy shifted a little and played with his hair, tugging at it to slightly change the angle in which their lips met.

His trembling hands slipped under the black t-shirt that smelled like him and he roamed over the smooth skin underneath while his tongue slipped into Hyungwon's hot mouth, tasting salty, but so good at the same time.

The pretty boy's left hand slowly let go of his hair and slipped in between their bodies, following the middle line of his chest downwards until it reached his shorts and brushed over his groin carefully.

His breath hitched and he almost moaned, but familiar voices sounded somewhere and came dangerously close.

_It's mom and dad._

He reached for Hyungwon's mouth and closed it with his palm, leaning in quickly.

“It's my parents, shh.” It was amazing how fast his arousal travelled to the back of his mind as he thought about how to explain the situation. There was way too much to explain, so he pulled Hyungwon to the side and closed the zipper, before curling his arms around his tiny waist. “Close your eyes,” he whispered, not caring that their legs intertwined and he could feel Hyungwon's dick against his thigh.

Instead of asking questions the black-haired boy nodded quickly and squeezed his eyes shut, turning his body limp like he understood he was supposed to be asleep. His lips parted a little and only the red color of his face revealed that he couldn't have been asleep unless he had a fever.

There was a noise against the tent and he managed to close his eyes when the zipper opened and there was a flashlight right into his face.

_Really man._

“Oh, he's here. Hoseok brought his friend, they fell asleep, it looks really cute. They must be hot, their faces are red, should I wake them up?” his mother whispered, probably towards his dad.

“Nah, leave them,” was the short answer before the flashlight was turned off and he heard the sound of the zipper closing.

“Holy fuck,” he muttered right into Hyungwon's face that was only a few centimeters away.

“Indeed,” the slim boy whispered back and shifted a little. He sounded even more British than usual, maybe it was the adrenaline. “What do we do now, Hoseok? Do they think I am sleeping over?”

“I don't know. I can't sleep like this.” He shifted and almost hissed again. They were way too close. “And your parents will search for you.”

“My mom will go all _mon dieu_ on the area and form her own search squad with forks and knives. She will probably also bring pretty dresses because she wrongly believes that I like them.” Hyungwon chuckled lowly and dug his nose into his neck, inhaling deeply. “You smell like the sea.”

“You too. Summer sea.” No matter what happened, Hyungwon just didn't make much sense apart from when he was reciting his poems. “You- I don't know if this position is optimal for calming down,” he whispered into the small ear and tried to move back his hips.

“You want to calm down? Okay!” Hyungwon exclaimed, a little too loud, and let go of Hoseok’s body. Opening the zipper, the black-haired boy slipped out and sat down next to him, hugging his knees. “I really like how small your tent is. Like a tiny sanctuary.”

“It is, I really like it, it's narrow and black, like my mind, I feel comfortable here,” he murmured, hearing his parents laughing about something and not paying attention to what was happening in his tent. “Do you- want me to walk you to your house again?”

“Will you reject coming in again?” Hyungwon brushed over his knees and glanced at his calf, eyes widening. The burn had gotten redder and developed a bubble. “I forgot about that. Didn't hurt that much, especially compared to- just now.” Grinning brightly, the tall boy brushed through his hair like getting hurt didn't matter at all. “I hope I will dream of your voice, it's beautiful.”

“You're confusing the shit out of me, I don't even know what I'm thinking,” he muttered and buried his face in his palms. “Yes, I might not come in, I would've considered it if your house was a black tent for two people.”

“You prefer privacy?” Hyungwon asked and wiggled his eyebrows playfully. “It's only a house. I have my room and my collection of summer shorts.

“I prefer to be alone.” He lifted his gaze and met Hyungwon's brown eyes. “Next time. I'll come with you, I promise,” he whispered.

_  


  
Four days had passed since he had seen the black-haired summer-child. The brown-eyed boy who had confused him, made him sing, think, rethink and drown in misery. No matter how long he had waited, or went to the beach, looking in the direction of the holiday home, nobody ever appeared. There were no bare feet on the silver sand, no shorts and no bright smiles, pulling the plump lips into a thin line. No kisses, no hugs, just nothing.

_You have to leave tomorrow morning, you have to go there to say goodbye at least, even if he doesn’t want to see you. Just wave at the fucking house._

Pulling the hoodie Hyungwon had worn over his body, he walked along the beach. Somehow the way seemed longer without the cheerful low voice and the smiling face next to him.

_You can sing for him again, if he wants you to._

The thought made him really happy as he came closer to the big white holiday home.

It was dark. Everything was dark and the wooden window shutters were let down on every visible window. It looked weird, almost as if there was nobody.

_They’re gone._

The thought was sudden and so final that he sank to the sand, simply staring at the big white house that looked empty and dark.

It seemed like an eternity since they had said their goodbyes on the same spot. Hyungwon had leaned in and kissed him softly, without any urgency, just a gentle touch of his plump lips and the lingering warmth of his arms around his neck.

_You should’ve sung him something as a goodbye present._

Sucking in a long breath to not cry like a stupid idiot, he watched the deserted holiday home and started to sing quietly to himself.

 

“You went back to what you knew  
So far removed from all that we went through  
And I tread a troubled track  
My odds are stacked  
I'll go back to black.”

 

_You’re familiar with black._

He didn’t know how long he walked until he finally reached the camping area, but his feet hurt for some reason and so did his lungs. Crawling into his tent, he let himself be surrounded by black and smelled his sleeping bag once, remembering that he hadn’t been alone there. It hurt, he felt as if he had died a thousand times.

He knew that it had been a little stupid because the black-haired boy had to leave, to go back, just like he did, but still it felt like something changed, just from the fact that he wasn’t there anymore.

_You’re missing something._

Hyungwon had left and just like that, the summer had ended for him.  



	3. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t fanboy, Hyungwon. Don’t do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 5th of March at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
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> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

_United Kingdom, London, 9th of March, 2018_  
  


There was a long beep that vaguely resembled the sound of a motor horn, if the motor horn had been pulled through a grinder that is. It was a little painful and distorted, enough to convince him to keep the receiver at a distance.

_If they don’t pick up this time, then-_

Hyungwon didn’t have the time to finish his thought as the long beeps turned into brief and frequent ones, indicating that he had been thrown out of the priority sequence, shamelessly ditched like a phone prank.

They must have been fucking kidding him.

He threw the phone onto the receiver and lifted his black leather boots off his office table. There were a few important contracts but he had made sure to keep them nicely arranged on the right while the left remained empty and spotless for his legs when he talked on the phone. It was important for his concentration, in addition to being comfortable of course. He stretched out his long legs and groaned loudly, expressing his frustration with his voice instead of a rather detailed email on how fucking annoyed he was by not being able to reach the stupid venue. How difficult could it be?

Usually he wouldn’t have minded too much. There was a long list of available venues for different dates that he was able to work with and as long as they held enough people there was no real problem with switching last minute. Except- and it was important to emphasize that with a thick yellow marker- when it was a big act and there was exactly one optimal date.

_And you can’t even be angry._

He couldn’t, because it was an amazing act that was difficult to get and deserved the best venue out there, even if Hyungwon had to go there in person and sing a love ballad on his knees if that was the only way to get additional seats. He wasn’t actually going to do it unless he really had to, but the metaphor expressed his desperation pretty accurately. It had been a week of no replies and time was running out. There weren’t many days left before he was supposed to meet the manager and the artist and settle the details such as stage arrangement, lighting and security. He needed more seats and he needed to know if it was possible, now. It was all manageable but Hyungwon felt like a perfectionist with certain artists.

_With artists that you like._

Smiling a little at the free ticket that he would receive, he brushed through his hair. The color still needed a little getting used to. He had loved the dark purple but now that the color was slowly washing out it had turned into a bubblegum-like pink and Hyungwon didn’t associate himself with the Disney princess that looked back at him in the mirror. That might have been the reason he overcompensated as much as he could, wearing tight latex pants, combat boots and a loose shirt that showed most of his collarbones. He was lucky that nobody had any expectations towards his outfits as long as he was dressed.

Chuckling at the image of doing event management in his birthday suit, Hyungwon brushed through his hair again and lifted himself off his leather chair. It was way past six and he was strict about his working time. Work was work and as soon as the hands of his Rolex watch showed six, he had definitely done enough.

A bright blonde head popped up in the door frame right on time, smirking a little and pointing at the clock.

“Has the clock hit six, bubblegum Cinderella?” his best friend asked teasingly and lifted up a bag with snacks that he waved from side to side, befitting the ridiculous way he wiggled his eyebrows. “I had a guy calling in that believed that we were the sex hotline, so he asked me to punish him and shit, tell him what a bad boy he is.”

“Let me guess, you did,” Hyungwon commented and laughed loudly, easily imagining Minhyuk sitting in his office on the second floor and hissing into a receiver. “How the hell did he fuck that up though? Event management is difficult to miss.”

The blonde man rolled his eyes dramatically and glanced behind him quickly, probably making sure nobody was there to hear him.

“Did you see the new slogan? I want to shoot myself,” he hissed and pulled a bag of chips out, ripped it open and started munching on them. Hyungwon had seen it often enough to know it by heart, it was the first thing that popped up when he logged into his pc.

“Sure, ‘one call, we play you’ or something,” he commented and reached out for the package, sneakily avoiding Minhyuk’s hand that attempted to slap him. Acquiring the potato chip, he inserted it into his mouth and grinned brightly. Only when he repeated the words in his head did the bad innuendo become obvious. “Oh god, have fun with that.”

“I’m the fucking PR manager, I can’t spend my days talking dirty to middle-aged men, Hyungwon. My talents can’t be wasted on that,” Minhyuk muttered, voice resigned. “But fuck that, let’s hang out.”

It was difficult to ruin his blonde friend’s mood when the work day was over and he had the opportunity to lean back in Hyungwon’s passenger seat and pretend that he owned the world. Freedom at its finest.

Minhyuk didn’t bother with the elevator and ripped open the door to the staircase and sprinted down, showing everybody in the building how grateful he was to finally go home. Hyungwon would have loved to pretend that he was more civilized and patiently waited for the elevator, but it would have been a lie. Grinning, he followed, descending three steps at once. Long legs were really useful if he wanted to be fast.

Running across the parking area, Minhyuk stopped right in front of his bright red Audi R8 and breathed heavily, holding onto his bag of snacks like it was a treasure. Hyungwon only belatedly realized that the chip package was opened, potato chip pieces probably littering most of the stairway without the blonde man realizing.

“You’re crazy,” he muttered and pressed the button on his car key before opening the driver’s seat door and leaning down to climb behind the steering wheel, instantly relaxing with how the car basically molded under him, into perfection.

“I could be a marathon runner if I didn’t hate sweating so much, so shut up,” his best friend remarked and reached into the bag of chips, pulling one out and placing it into his mouth, dropping crumbs all over his leather seats.

Hyungwon pursed his lips at the audacity, but decided not to remark on it. He ate snacks all by himself basically every day and he cleaned the car often enough for it to not be noticeable.

“Fuck,” Minhyuk suddenly exclaimed as his eyes settled on the opened chips bag and turned to Hyungwon. It was hilarious how his eyes widened a little and he parted his lips, remaining like that for a few seconds until he pressed them together into a funny wrinkly mess. It was Minhyuk’s expression of terror when he knew that he fucked up. “Please tell me that I did not just cover our workplace in a layer of potato chips.”

“You did.” Hyungwon laughed loudly and started the motor, excited for where they were going today. It was a rather small place he had found about a week ago, barely noticeable at the edge of the city and mostly filled with green spaces which was rare to find in a humongous capital, like London.

“Are we going to the creek?” Minhyuk asked after getting over his mishap by listing every possible measure their superiors could take to make him regret being alive and finding none of them particularly scary.

“Nah, I found a better place. Thank you for coming along again, I know that you don’t see the point in it as much as I do. You know, with just staring and sitting around and basically doing nothing.” He chuckled again and pulled the car out of the parking spot, making his way through London’s horrible evening traffic. It was understandable that most people used the Tube to go to work, but Hyungwon always went to hidden gems in the city after work and it was simply impossible to get there with public transport.

_It wouldn’t be a hidden gem otherwise._

Once they left the crowded highways and passed by skyscrapers of the inner city, crossing the river, Hyungwon felt himself relax a little. It was ridiculous that he was working in a gigantic city but felt the best whenever he left it. His destination was approximately forty minutes by car, located at the edge of the city in a small village next to London. Hyungwon had read up on it and the surrounding area. It wasn’t really necessary for what he was about to do, but he preferred to be informed.

“Nowhere in godforsaken England, here we come,” Minhyuk muttered once they left the highway and drove through tiny streets that barely allowed his car to pass through, surrounded by trees and little houses. “You do know that those people will think a celebrity popped up as soon as you park your sexy-ass car next to their village church, right?”

“I never park in a way that would gain attention,” Hyungwon murmured and checked the navigation on his phone for the small street with a few parking spots big enough for his car. Once he found it, he couldn’t contain the excited smile. He loved these excursions so much.

“Here he goes,” his best friend commented again when Hyungwon jumped out of the car, closed it quickly and ran over to the plaza he had chosen. It was mind-blowingly pretty. There was a several-hundred-year-old well in the center, decorated with wooden carvings that had been added over the centuries. A few benches were placed around it, as if it was meant to be a place to sit and relax instead of drawing water. Its original function was superfluous by now.

The area was really small and filled with a few villagers who went on about their business, watering the flowers in front of the small church behind the well or simply talking to work colleagues or neighbors. Hyungwon sat down on the bench and took out his small notebook, inhaling the fresh air and instantly being reminded of the time of the year when he left the smog-covered city of London for several weeks. It wasn’t the same, not at all of course, but it was the perfect escape for a few hours.

“Why this village?” Minhyuk asked before sitting down next to him. The two of them must have looked like weirdos with Hyungwon’s black, shiny latex pants, the pink hair and Minhyuk’s bright red jeans and black shirt. The jeans matched perfectly with Hyungwon’s car, as if his best friend only put them on to ask him to take a few Instagram pics for him later.

_He probably did._

“Really old well, the population is mixed in age and the church is pretty famous. I wanted to experience what it is like so I can take a few notes,” he replied quietly to not attract too much unnecessary attention. The people already threw them a few surprised looks. It felt refreshing, the hardness of the bench under him, the sound that his boots made on the big paving stones. He wrote it all down while thinking of ways to describe it, to express it accordingly. A little boy attempted to run right out of the door before his mother stopped him by grabbing his collar just in time and placed a hat on top of his bright blonde hair. The expression of dissatisfaction on the boy’s face was hilarious and Hyungwon noted it down as well. It reminded him of how his mother had always asked him to wear shoes on holiday but there had been nothing that he hated more. Shoes destroyed the whole point of walking in sand.

“It’s really pretty here,” Minhyuk commented and looked around while Hyungwon kept writing his impressions about the way the air smelled. It was very floral, courtesy of spring being right around the corner. Some of the scents were unfamiliar and Hyungwon wondered if it was a particular flower that he didn’t know the scent of. He would have to look around later.

The few hours after work were always his favorite. The time when he looked for a small unknown place somewhere around London and went there to watch people, to make notes of his impressions and attempt to describe them. He was thankful that Minhyuk was willing to come along even though it must have been boring for his best friend to sit on a bench next to a well with potato chips on his lap.

“It is,” he whispered eventually and watched the way two young men were arguing over something, gesturing with their hands wildly before they started laughing loudly and made up, as if the argument had been pointless in the first place. “People are fascinating.”

“Don’t you have enough of them in the center of London?”

“I do, but it’s not the same. It’s not as peaceful and the impressions have a different feel.” Hyungwon sighed and scribbled some more adjectives that seemed appropriate to him.

“Then why don’t you just move here? Dunno, get a wooden house and be all ‘hot hermit looks for hottie to join him in his quest for peace’.” Minhyuk giggled loudly at his own idea. It was enough to throw a few disapproving glances their way, an elderly man shook his head like they had just urinated in public.

“Not the same. When you live somewhere it stops being special. Like this it’s-” Hyungwon thought about the right words, but as usual they only came to him in the middle of the night when he had nowhere to write them down. “Unexplored. If I lived here there would be enough time to explore everything, every little corner, become familiar with it. But as soon as that is the case it loses some of its magic, you know? I prefer to live far away and come once in a while, get drunk on the impressions and then return to what I know only to go to a new place and be overwhelmed again.”

“I see,” Minhyuk simply commented, like he understood none of that but didn’t want to give Hyungwon the chance to get lost in a monologue on the wonders of tiny villages, small streams, unfamiliar landscapes and people watching. He had a tendency to do that.

It was quiet for a few moments as his best friend happily munched on potato chips and he took notes. It was peaceful and Hyungwon wished he had more than two hours a day to explore places like that, to look at people and think about what their lives must have been like, what their concerns were and what they thought about on a daily basis.

“He’s hot,” Minhyuk suddenly hissed next to him and pointed at a young man that was sitting on a bench closer to the church and reading a book. A single glance was enough for Hyungwon to disagree.

“He’s reading the bible, Min. Good luck with that,” he commented and chuckled to himself, imagining his best friend attempting to come on to a poor villager with a bible and most likely no interest in men.

“I tell you, all the good ones are either straight, way too full of themselves or think you’re a pushover if you take it up the arse,” the blonde man commented in resignation and threw his legs over Hyungwon’s lap. It was nice and warm despite the weight, so he rubbed over them once and continued taking notes. It was peaceful to sit around like that and talk lightly, not think about work for once but something he was really interested in.

_Words._

 

_

 

 

“I’m going to fucking die, combust and then turn into a bunch of sparkly confetti that will rain down on everybody attending the damn concert.”

There was nobody to hear his emotional outburst, but it felt a little better to have said it out loud once. Expressing emotions was good, very good. It helped to lower his anxiety over the fact that he was about to meet _the artist_ and had to make sure everything was fucking perfect.

The venue had finally called back and said that it was possible to increase the number of seats for such a big act. Hyungwon could totally relate considering that he owned every fucking album even though it was just a stupid CD that nobody listened to nowadays and a small booklet with the lyrics. He could have found all of them online and knew them by heart, but it felt kinda nice to know that he owned them all, that they were on a special place in a bookshelf at home and were dusted at regular intervals.

_Just make sure to not seem like the crazy that you are._

Hyungwon wanted to scream out loud once to get rid of the excitement, but there were too many people working on the lights. He was crazy but not that crazy.

O-NO was the main reason that he had decided on event management, a job that gave him the opportunity to meet the artists that he admired and get free concert tickets, front row.

_Artist. There is only one, Hyungwon._

The thought returned the excitement and he tapped a quick rhythm with his index and middle finger on one of the railings that separated the premium pit from the general admission people. Hyungwon was a little upset that he didn’t have the time to recolor his hair into something less princess-like, but his scalp needed a break before the next change. It already burned a little when he used the shitty shampoo that they had at the fitness studio. Hyungwon didn’t go often, but it was totally because of the shampoo. Really.

O-NO was supposed to come with a few members of his crew and take a look at the venue. Hyungwon already had a few companies in mind depending on how complex the stage arrangement had to be. He was as prepared as he could be and still, he was nervous as fuck, hoping to leave a good impression.

It was a little stupid, because he knew that he was going to organize the artist’s performance, go to the concert and probably never see him again apart from when he planned another London performance. But he was still excited, excited to meet the person that had covered the walls of his room for years. It was impossible to stay calm.

A brief tap on his shoulder almost gave him a heart attack as he gasped and stared at the rather bulky security guard who was pursing his lips.

“Artist is backstage,” the black-haired man grunted and turned back around, carrying a box of beer to the back.

_Just be yourself._

His thought sounded a little bit like one of those motivational memes with a sunny beach background that was meant to be philosophical and reassuring, but Hyungwon felt none of those things somehow. Instead he felt terribly excited and like his face was about to rival his hair in brightness.

Entering through the backstage door without even needing an ID (the advantage of organizing almost every RnB and hip-hop event in the city), Hyungwon held his breath for a little bit before knocking on the door of the room where O-NO was waiting for him.

_Don’t fanboy, Hyungwon. Don’t do it._

There was a low hum, but the door opened and he met a dude with dark-grey hair and narrow, intimidating eyes staring at him, before the other man’s expression turned friendly and he nodded.

“You must be Hyungwon, right? Event management?” he asked, blocking the entrance. Hyungwon barely resisted the urge to smoothly sneak past the rather short guy to see the person he actually came to meet, but he smiled brightly instead. He was excited.

“Yeah, I’m Hyungwon. Are you the manager?” he asked and was rather glad that O-NO preferred casual conversation and didn’t hire people that threw last names around.

“Yeah, Kihyun, nice to meet you. I’m glad that the thing with the venue worked out last minute. He likes to look around before the soundcheck and to check the arrangement for the stage design, so it’s really cool that we could come beforehand. Come in.” The door opened and he entered the spacious room with two couches and a table with several chairs around it, in addition to the makeup tables and mirrors. In the right corner, he spotted a broad figure, immediately recognizable by his silver hair with blue tips. He sat on the black couch and looked at something on his phone, not paying much attention to what was happening.

Hyungwon felt his heart beating all the way up to his ears and he dared a quick glance into one of the make-up mirrors to make sure that his hair looked fine despite the color and that his minimal makeup was still on point. It was important.

The new look was his favorite on O-NO and he was excited to see it up close. He would have loved to touch the other man’s hair to figure out if it felt as soft as it looked but he knew about appropriate distance and sat down on a chair across from him.

“Hi, I’m Hyungwon, in charge of event management. What exactly would you like to see in advance?” he asked and brushed through his hair once to not fumble with his tight black jeans or his loose shirt. “Loving your hair by the way.”

A second passed before dark-brown eyes abandoned the phone and looked at him from under the blue bangs. The singer looked serious, before his mouth corners curled up in a pretty smile. He was fucking gorgeous and Hyungwon’s eyes lit up at the beautiful way the corners of his mouth curled even further upwards.

“Thanks, it was an experiment that went well, I guess,” the other man’s low voice commented before he rubbed over his jeans-clad thighs. “Thank you again for all the work, it must’ve been a pain in the ass.” Another smile and O-NO looked to the side before returning his gaze. “I guess the stage arrangement, to know how I can move around, whether we can extend it, what the regulations allow, the security, whether I can go down to the barricades and from where. You can show me around, right?”

“Sure!” Hyungwon exclaimed excitedly and jumped up. There was nothing better than being the person that showed his favorite artist around a gigantic venue that he managed to get after several difficult tries. It had been a pain in the arse but he was definitely not going to admit to that. “I like your music, so the more people who get to hear it the better. Don’t worry about the last-minute arrangements.”

He brushed through his pink hair again and glanced at the pair of jeans that hugged O-NO’s thighs tightly. It was interesting to know that the other man dressed that way off stage too. It was damn hot and Hyungwon licked over his lips to stay professional and focused. Luckily, he wasn’t his obsessed teenage self anymore. Not really at least.

He crossed the room and opened the door, holding it for the silver-haired man to move through. The guy was a fucking cupboard even though he was shorter than him.

_Also, he might be lying about his height on Wikipedia._

The other man stood up from the couch and followed him, slipping through the door like a snake, despite his broad and muscular build. He wore a black sweatshirt that was tucked into his jeans loosely, but the way it emphasized his chest was very obvious if one paid attention. If anybody asked Hyungwon what his ideal type was, then there were only three words he needed to say. ‘That man, officer.’

He sighed quietly and followed O-NO outside the backstage room. The venue was big enough to spend quite some time walking around, but the silver-haired man probably only had an hour maximum. Hyungwon didn’t really know how to address the artist, by his stage name or his birth name, so he avoided it for now.

“How much time do you have?” he asked to be sure and turned around the corner towards the stage. It was probably the most important for the artist.

“Hmm, good question, I remember Kihyun mumbling something about an hour before the next schedule, so I guess an hour it is. How much time do you have? Do you have other appointments to attend? It’s sufficient if you just show me the most important stuff, don’t want to hold you up here.” The muscular man turned to the side and smiled, before going up onto the stage.

Hyungwon was a little baffled by an artist giving a single shit whether he had any other appointments and pulled his lips into his mouth to not say anything stupid. O-NO was amazing and he had purposefully kept the day free to waste as much time as possible admiring the muscular man.

_Like now._

The singer made his way up the stairs to the stage and Hyungwon shamelessly stared at his arse, beautifully packed into his tight pants like a second skin. It was a little self-indulgent, but he couldn’t really help it. It was almost automatic, like choosing Sprite whenever he bought a soft drink. It was pre-programmed or something.

Only when the gorgeous man arrived at the top of the stairs and turned around, wondering why he didn’t follow, did Hyungwon realize he had spaced out a little. And hadn’t answered his question either.

“Oh, ehm- I don’t have any other appointments. I wanted to make sure we settle this properly, so please don’t worry about my time. You are the artist who has to perform in front of 20k people, so please feel at home and take as much time as you need and have for that matter,” he explained and sprinted up the stairs, taking two at once because it was more comfortable and faster. “I spaced out a little, sorry about that. Rather unprofessional of me.”

“Mh?” The dark-brown eyes widened a little, before the other man laughed and poked himself in the chest. “I’m the king of spacing out, so don’t apologize.”

Hyungwon chuckled, remembering a show during which the other man had spaced out and missed the question. It had been live so they weren’t able to cut it out. Still, he was way worse.

“Don’t challenge me, I’ll win and take home the crown,” Hyungwon commented and laughed loudly, leaning against the railing at the top of the stairs. The stage was gigantic and O-NO could have performed a whole damn ballet all by himself, jumping prettily from one end of the stage to the other. “Stage is yours,” he exclaimed and gestured towards the wide space in front of them.

“The O2 Arena is something else,” the low voice whispered before O-NO started walking towards the middle of the stage. He stepped carefully, soundless movements over the black floor that was worn from countless performances. As the artist reached the middle of the main stage, he suddenly crouched down at the edge and sat down, swinging his feet and watching the dark, empty venue. A few moments passed, before he stood up again, looking at the stage monitors, and walking backwards, probably measuring the distance between the edge and the back.

“Will I be able to go down to the barricades?” he asked, looking at Hyungwon in question.

It was difficult to focus back on the question instead of how focused and fascinated by the venue O-NO seemed. Hyungwon was ridiculously happy that his negotiations with the venue were able to put such a gorgeous expression on the other man’s face. He felt unbelievably content standing at the side of a stage and watching the man that had provided the soundtrack through most of his young adulthood.

“It should be possible. There are security guards positioned every three meters and there is enough space between the barricades and the stage. You could use the small stairs at the side if you like, otherwise we can install a way to come down from the center stage. As you prefer.” Hyungwon smiled brightly and stepped a little closer. It felt crazy to stand so high, even when there was nobody in the hall. It must have been overwhelming to have people admiring you for your art and wanting to see you on a stage like that. Hyungwon was going to be one of the people in the crowd on the day of the concert.

“I really wanted to have an extended stage, but the problem is that the people in the front would have to watch my ass when I perform on the other side. It’s a struggle with the huge venues, it was easier when they were small and there were only a few hundred people.” The silver-haired man sighed and nodded at the bulky bodyguard who was watching him intently.

_You still remember that, you were there too._

“Honestly,” Hyungwon began and trailed off a little. He needed approximately five seconds to decide if it was okay to say or not. In the end it didn't really matter. “I doubt that there is a person on this planet that minds watching your arse, Lee Hoseok.”

“But- why would they? And for so much money,” the gorgeous man asked, looking lost.

_Oh god, he’s adorable._

“Well- you know, some people have rather nice arses and you happen to be one of them. It’s like a nice painting, people enjoy looking at it, they would even pay to see it. At a concert they get your gorgeous voice, the way you move and your- ehm- rather nice arse as _la cerise sur le sundae,_ you know _?_ ” Hyungwon tried without any inappropriate references to how fucking hot the man in front of him was. Of course, everybody wanted to watch his ass.

_Maybe he thinks it’s all pure and innocent and they only love his voice._

“No, I don’t speak French. Why are my fans so weird?” O-NO sighed and shook his head. “Fine, it would be amazing if you could get an extended stage for me, wait- what was your name again? Sorry, I told you the spacing out is no joke.” There was a shy chuckle and the broad man stepped closer.

“Hyungwon, my name is Hyungwon.” It was a small stab, but it wasn’t surprising. O-NO probably met new people every day and none of them stayed around for long. There must have been hundreds of event managers that he had talked to over the years. The only thing that made Hyungwon memorable was probably his hair and his lecture on the other man’s ass. Oh god.

“The extended stage shouldn’t be a problem. It is done rather often, so there are a couple of companies that can do it in a few hours the day before. Then you would even have time to try it for two rehearsals if you like. Also, I doubt that your fans are weird. Most fans are like that, H- can I say Hoseok? It might be a little blunt for you, but it feels weird to constantly contemplate whether to use your stage name or your real name. I hope it’s fine.” Hyungwon took a deep breath before he continued. “Anyway, most fans are happy to see the artist, it doesn’t really matter what they see and if the artist is attractive and has young, impressionable fans, then of course they also consider you sexually pleasing, including your arse.”

_Why are you giving him a lecture about how nice his arse is, Hyungwon?_

“Oh god, that was a lot of information at once. Uhm- sure, you can call me Hoseok, or O-NO, it doesn’t matter, I’ve been doing this for such a long time that both sounds like me.” The broad man looked to the side but his lips kept moving. It was weird until Hyungwon could see that the artist was repeating his name a few times, before returning his gaze and smiling. “Thank you so much for taking care of this, Hyungwon. See you in a week for the soundcheck? I will do it sooner rather than later because I mostly have crazy ideas that need to be implemented last minute, so it would be really cool if you could come too. Hyungwon.” There was another gorgeous smile and a nod.

Hyungwon really wanted to embrace the other man but he had enough experience with what that resulted in (mostly very upset and weirded out individuals) so he didn’t. Hoseok was really beautiful and he still couldn’t believe that he finally met the artist he loved so much in person. There was no way that he wouldn’t be at the soundcheck. He’d bring fucking rose petals and throw them at the stage in between songs. Fuck.

“Of course, I’ll be there,” he replied and winked. “Gotta make sure everything goes smoothly. Can’t wait to see you again, Hoseok. Thank you.”

The beautiful, pale man wanted to reply, but there was a hiss and he spotted the manager who was tapping on his watch with his index finger, while observing Hoseok with a dissatisfied expression on his face. Suddenly Hyungwon liked him much less.  
  
“Seriously though, we have to go. I’ll plan longer for the soundcheck, I promise,” the man named Kihyun muttered and closed the distance, pushing O-NO towards the backstage area.

“Thank you again, Hyungwon. See you next week, but expect some emails from me.” The short man winked and started a monologue directed at the artist that he wasn’t able to hear the content of.

It was a little disappointing but he kept the smile on his face for as long as he could, until both men walked down the stairs and disappeared in the hallways of the arena. He suddenly felt a little wistful standing on the gigantic stage all by himself, staring at the empty seats and thinking about how difficult it was to be professional when he wanted to combust and turn into glitter confetti.

Hyungwon was really childish for being happy about a crazily famous artist repeating his name to himself, especially since he was probably not going to see him again after the event, but-

_Maybe he will remember next week._

 

***

  
   
Euphoria spread in his body as soon as he threw his right leg over his gorgeous Honda RC213V-S and closed the zipper of his black leather jacket. The helmet slid over his head smoothly, and he leaned forward, grabbing the hand grips and listening to the machine growling in response. He loved it. Hoseok loved it so much.

_It keeps you sane._

It did. Although Kihyun had tried to persuade him to use the black van, he had opposed successfully and was able to ride home alone. Well, besides the huge van that rode after him, but one couldn’t have everything.

The wind was so nice and he wanted to lift the visor, but he wasn’t allowed to. He had tried once, fucking everything Kihyun had told him and ended up fleeing from very intrusive fans that thought he was inviting them to take pictures, videos and to touch him. He didn’t, he really liked being alone.

_Better not lift the visor. At least not here._

It was okay outside of the city, when he went for longer rides and passed by small villages and fields, places where nobody cared about who he was.  
  
_It’s nice though that so many people are willing to listen to your voice, you should be really, really thankful._

He was, especially after sitting in the middle of the gigantic stage of the O2 arena while Hyungwon, the event-person, had showed him around and told him about the possibilities. He had remembered the other man’s name because he had felt really bad having to ask the pink-haired event-manager for it in the middle of the conversation. He repeated it so often that Kihyun told him to not obsess over random people. The planning went extraordinarily well and he thought of thanking the tall man for his work later, after the show was over.

_But first you have to do this interview._

Unfortunately, he had already arrived at the media outlet and parked his bike in front of the back entrance. Hoseok was probably the only celebrity who came to his scheduled activities by bike. It was weird, but he also didn’t care. He also didn’t care about interviews much, but Kihyun had helped him greatly, knowing everything about promotion and artist management, that he just obeyed whatever his grey-haired manager ordered him to do.

_He’s one of the reasons why you have all this money and why the people listen to what you have to say._

Smiling at the familiar face, Hoseok walked up to the entrance and showed Kihyun a thumbs up.

“I’m here, your majesty, healthy and ready to answer dumb questions no one wants to know the answer to,” he exclaimed and grinned.

“They do, Hoseok, believe me, they do.” His manager patted his shoulder and pushed him through the opened door. “They would ask worse things if they could.”

“Ah, yeah, and I was wondering why they would want to pay money to watch my ass at the concert,” he murmured, still weirded out. Why did people go to concerts if they had to stare at the ass of some regular dude and couldn’t see his face?

“Oh god, did you go on Twitter again? I told you that you’d get traumatized, don’t search, just don’t do it. It’s enough that I have to see it while monitoring the fan’s reaction and mood.”

“What? But I didn’t search for my name, why should I? What is going on there? I just have my private twitter and stalk a poet, a Honda custom bike dealer and Amy Winehouse quotes. That’s basically it and I’m very content there. I have two followers,” he muttered. “I mean, I do tweet from my main account, but the amount of replies and mentions is a clusterfuck, so I turned off my notifications. It does feel funny, screaming into the void about your day or your new hair color, or some motivational stuff. The void is filled with seven million tiny beings that are all in the dark and cheer you on while screaming back all at once, so that you don’t get shit. But I do feel supported, it’s nice.” He sat down on the chair and watched his make-up artist approach with her huge ass bag. He wondered what the fuck she had stuffed in there to make it look like a medium sized suitcase.

“Hey O-NO, wassup? Got dry skin again from riding the red and white monster? Can’t you just go by car like everybody else?” She immediately started nagging and pulled out moisturizer, or whatever the creamy thing was.

“I’m fine, Marcia, and you? I like my bike, just smear the stuff into my face already.” Sighing, he pulled out his phone and opened Twitter, ignoring the mass of notifications Kihyun usually took care of. He looked through his pictures and picked a selfie from a week ago and captioned it with ‘Another interview approaching. Can’t wait to see you guys in a few days.’. Kihyun taught him well, there were rules to follow. No specific information, no recent pictures because the obsessive fans would’ve immediately found out where he was, no names, no pictures in his apartment, no political stuff. Just meaningless ‘I miss you, can’t wait, my day was good, how was yours?’ that was it.

Marcia’s phone vibrated and she grinned instead of being embarrassed.

“Don’t tell me you have notifications on for me! Oh god, why? You see me basically every day, come on.” He rolled his eyes and leaned further into the backrest.

“Because it’s funny how different you are in real life, it’s super amusing. I also leave comments on your posts, that I see you never read. Sad.” The black-haired woman sighed in disappointment. For no reason.

“You can just talk to me, Marcia, just say what you want to say, why would you comment under something I wrote?” He would’ve facepalmed, but the woman was too close to his eyes with some sharp tool, so he didn't move and hoped that it would end well.

“Because it’s fun, Hoseok. You’re not fun like this, you just sit there and think and you never really talk. I can be happy if you answer when I ask you something in real life. By the way, the hair turned out amazing. You must be happy finally having your ‘Atlantic Ocean’ color.”

“I’m sorry,” he muttered in apology. Marcia was right, he was really no fun, but he seemed like it in his posts. “I love the color, I really love the Atlantic Ocean, the light blue of the water and the silver of the sand. Makes me feel nostalgic. I can write well when I have a little sadness on my head. Does that make sense?” Hoseok asked and looked into the mirror, watching the black-haired woman pull earrings through his pierced ears.

“No. You don’t make any sense, but you look great and so does your hair. And now go answer some questions and come back because I need to take care of your skin. It’s terrible. This biking thing, I hate it,” Marcia muttered and hit both of his shoulders with her tiny palms.

“Ouch. Thank you, I’ll be back.” Smiling brightly, he stood up and winked at the tall woman, before disappearing down the hallway with Kihyun.  
  
_  
  
It was late afternoon and he had to get ready for Kihyun to pick him up. The other man would be there in ten minutes to take him for the soundcheck in the O2 arena. He had to perform in in two days and he always did several soundchecks, his approach to the setup shifted depending on his mood.

Instead, he sat on the floor in front of his huge bookshelf, wearing tight black trunks and reading Shakespeare. Sighing, he skipped Sonnet 130 because it depicted female beauty and it was really not his style. Closing the book briefly, he opened it again to a random page and frowned at the photo that fell out. There was a boy, black-haired and slim, standing in the waves with his bare feet while wearing a black hoodie and shorts. He was looking at something and smiling. It was him a long, long time ago.

He looked at the page and read the words out loud.

 

“Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:  
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,  
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;  
And every fair from fair sometime declines,  
By chance, or nature's changing course, untrimm'd;  
But thy eternal summer shall not fade  
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;  
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,  
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st;  
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,  
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.”

 

Something pulled at his insides and he decided not to think about it, placing the photo back into the book, before he noticed the date and his pretty writing next to it.

_Summer, 22nd of June, 2008, Sarzeu, France._

Inhaling sharply, he closed the book and put it back on its spot on the shelf. His phone rang somewhere and he knew that he had to go down already, but here he was, half-naked and nostalgic about something that was long gone.

He missed summer.

Slapping his cheeks, he shook his head to get rid of the thoughts and sprinted into his bedroom, pulling on his favorite pair of completely shredded jeans and a black shirt over his naked torso. He didn’t even know how he looked, but it didn’t matter, because Kihyun started ringing his doorbell mercilessly while calling him on both his phones. It was terror, pure terror.

He packed his phone into the back pocket of his jeans and threw the black leather jacket over his shoulders, spraying some perfume he got as a fan gift and running out of the house like a crazy person.

“Listen-” Kihyun started, but he jumped into the van, promptly silencing the other man’s complaints and earned a smile as they got going.

The traffic was shit, but they managed to arrive on time. He jumped out of the van and right through the open door of the artist entrance. Throwing his jacket on the black couch in the backstage area, he immediately sprinted on stage, brushing his hair back and feeling crazily excited because of the adrenaline, or because of the running, he didn’t know.

He caught the gaze of the sound director and he nodded. There were only a few seconds before he was blinded by the bright spotlight, covering his figure and making him shine in middle of the black, empty venue.

He hummed, hearing the beat that he had composed himself and closed his eyes as soon as the drums played. He sang, feeling his voice through the bass that vibrated against his skin, creating tiny goosebumps that slid down his arms and seemed to transfer info the microphone he was holding tightly.

Sucking in another breath he still concentrated on the sound of his own voice in the giant hall, covering him completely.

Hoseok opened his eyes slowly, trying to adjust to the spotlight by looking down. Suddenly he spotted a single person at the barricades, big eyes focused on him as he sang. He kept his gaze connected and finished up quietly, staring into the only listener’s eyes.

He could vaguely see a change in expression as the person that was sitting on the metal railing of the barricades watched him intently, eyes wide and lips slightly parted. Only when he sang the last line did he realize that his listener was singing with him, mouth moving along with the words that echoed through the hall.

_He knows the song._

He didn’t have time to look closer, as he had to tear away his gaze, answering the questions of the sound engineer and light director.

“Could you make the spotlight a little- lower? So that it doesn’t shine on my face too much?” he asked into the mic.

“But your face is what the people want to see. The lighting is designed so that they can see every twitch on your face,” a woman’s voice replied from the booth.

“But they should listen, why would they look into my- ah never mind, then just leave it like this, but take some of the high pitch out, I don’t need it. I like it when it sounds low.” As soon as he was finally able to look down, he recognized the pink hair of the event manager, he was still waiting for him in the pit.

“Oh, hey Hyungwon,” he called, holding the mic away. “Do you plan on staying there? Or do you want to come up?”

It was fascinating how the man’s face lit up like a spotlight as soon as he spoke his name, lips spreading in a wide smile and cheeks pushing up. It made him look younger, even though Hoseok didn’t really know how old he was.

“If you need me up there, I will be with you in a few seconds. I have to admit that I am having the time of my life right now, like a private concert. You are really amazing!” the pink-haired man called out to make sure he heard him.

_Do you need him up here?_

“Well, it’s not that you need to be on the stage, I just thought it was lonely down there, but you can stay of course and be my audience,” he replied and smiled brightly.

“I’ll cheer as loud as I can then!” Hyungwon yelled and winked before brushing through his hair and shifting a little on top of the metal barrier. It couldn’t have been all that comfortable, but the other man didn’t seem to mind.

It was kind of cool and reminded him of the way it had been in the early days when he had to sing as a supporting act and the people went to get something to drink when he performed.

_That’s where you come from._

“Please do.” Hoseok chuckled and turned to the sound booth, nodding at them and pushing the in-ear in to hear the instructions and his own voice. The music started playing, beautiful and comforting, he loved singing, he really loved it more than anything else. He sang and threw his head back, making a turn along to the beat, before he continued with his eyes closed.

He felt so good, it felt so good to use his voice, to sing the words that meant so much to him and to feel the vibrations against his skin.

Opening his eyes finally, he danced to the right side of the stage, making another turn, before focusing on his pink-haired audience.

He finished by stretching the last tone and harmonizing with the backing vocal. A big smile immediately lifted his cheeks because he was still a little shy to sing for one person like this.

_Your professionalism is no joke, Hoseok._

Hyungwon was observing him intently and he could see the man’s lips as they moved along with every word. The event manager must have really known all the words to his songs, moving a little with the flow of the music and smiling widely when their eyes met. When the music slowly began to fade out, Hyungwon kept his balance with his long legs and lifted both of his hands to clap loudly, echoing a little through the hall.

“Woo,” he exclaimed and grinned, waving his arms.

“Thank you so much for coming here to listen to what I have to say and to hear my voice, thank you, really,” he bowed to the pink-haired man who tried his best to represent the audience.

“Okay, next one,” he lifted his index finger and made a double turn as soon as he heard the music, stopping right when he had to sing the first line.

He gave his best, even though it was just a soundcheck, only there to test out the light and sound arrangement, to check the song order and to know when to go to the extended stage.

He let his body move over the stage smoothly, his Chucks making weird noises on the black floor, but his voice and the beautiful music covered it up. He finished again and looked down to Hyungwon, waiting for his applause.

He saw the pink-haired man rub the back of his hand over his eyes quickly before he started clapping loudly and enthusiastically, standing up on the bars of the barrier.

“You’re amazing, O-NO, I love you,” he yelled and smiled brightly. Hoseok could see the security guard on the right roll his eyes.

Laughing, he lifted both arms and shook his whole body while opening his mouth widely, imitating a hyperventilating fan.

Hyungwon almost fell off the barricade at the sight, catching himself last second and holding onto his waist as he fought for air. It must have looked funny enough to make him gasp like that.

_See? You can be funny in real life too._

“The treble is still too much for my taste, can you lower it?” he asked, looking at the sound booth, before turning back to Hyungwon and crouching down for the other man to hear him better.

“Are you actually coming to the concert? Normally event managers just run around and make sure that everything runs smoothly, but you know my lyrics better than I do.” He smiled, happy that the pink-haired man knew his songs.

Hyungwon looked a little shy as he licked over his lips and glanced to the side quickly before his big eyes settled on Hoseok again. The other man was smiling a little.

“I will make sure that everything is perfect, so that I can enjoy the best concert ever,” he replied, not yelling this time. “I’m a fan, but I didn’t want to tell you in case you freaked out and thought I would stalk you.”

“You don’t really seem the stalking type. Honestly speaking I feel honored that you know what I’m singing about. It’s really nice, I’m thankful. Then I will leave out my special performance so that you can have something to be excited about. I hope that you’ll like it. It means a lot to me to sing it here.” Nodding at the booth, he stood up and was immediately illuminated in the bright spotlight as the music started.

After about seven songs he was satisfied with the sound quality. He wasn’t with the lighting, but he never was, so that was okay. He pulled out his in-ears and stuffed them into the back pocket of his shredded jeans as he jumped down from the stage, landing right next to the pink-haired man.

“Done.”

Hyungwon yelped in surprise, raising his hands like he had intended to catch him in case he fell.

“Holy shit, don’t break your legs right before performing, not like last year,” the pink-haired man commented and pursed his lips until he suddenly seemed to realize something and covered his big mouth with his equally big palm. “Never mind. I loved your rehearsal and I hope it is okay that you can’t practice your special performance. I don’t want to be the reason for you not being able to run through it. Are you sure it’s fine? I can hide backstage or something if you want!”

He laughed loudly and stretched out his index finger, moving it in front of Hyungwon’s face.

“It wasn’t both legs but an ankle and it had been a motorcycle accident. Kihyun just told the media some bullshit. Your information source is not reliable,” he commented and grinned, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Anyway, it’s okay, I can practice it tomorrow.”

Hyungwon followed the motion of his arms with his eyes before glancing up again, not saying anything for a few moments.

“I guess everybody’s information source sucks when it comes to celebrities, unless you’re friends. That’s good for you, Hoseok. It keeps you safe, I guess. Also, is that when you bought the new motorcycle? Does that mean that the old one was a write off after the accident? I was wondering. Sorry if I’m being nosy.”

“Yes, I was so fucking sad, you don’t even know, it was worse than a breakup. Way worse. But my new one is really nice too.” Sighing, he pointed at the backstage area. “Let’s go, Kihyun wanted to talk to you too.”

“I lost a notebook once. I felt like dying because it was way before I saved everything in digital format, so it disappeared just like all my thoughts. You know that feeling when you know you had something special but somehow when you try to think of it there is just nothing? Emptiness and disappointment. That.” The pink-haired man brushed through his hair and walked through the door to the area behind the stage. “It wasn’t anything cheesy. I swear.”

“I guess all of us are cheesy in a way. But I like it, it means that I can still feel something,” he commented and waved at Kihyun, who was on the phone.

“What’s your favorite song?” he asked, even though it was conceited to ask what, of all the amazing works he created, the pink-haired man considered best.

Hyungwon bit down on his cheek and closed his eyes for a few seconds.

“I don’t really believe in favorite songs. I love all of them, each and every one and every single line. I think that each song addresses a certain feeling or a certain situation and most of the time I try to identify it. I’m happy once I do, when I find myself in the same mood and listen to it and realize ‘yeah, that’s it’. The most recent one is- special,” the other man replied finally and smiled at him, showing a bit of his straight white teeth. He had a rather big mouth. “You seem to drown in the gloomy spectrum of emotions most of the time.”

He thought about the other man’s words and it was true, he was drowning most of the time.

“I do drown, but I also float. When I float, I’m able to write about the memory of how it looked under the water.” He was probably talking nonsense again, so he pulled his lips into a thin line and looked up, as if there was something of interest.

“Sorry, there was an interviewer I was tied up with.” Kihyun appeared and saved him from more embarrassing talk.

“Hey, Hyungwon, thanks again for the amazing work, let’s hope that everything works out in two days. And you, Hoseok, you have another two interviews coming up and you will have to read thirst tweets, I’m sorry in advance. But at least it will be funny because of the faces you make and your cute obliviousness.” Hoseok had to retract Kihyun’s savior status. He was there to encourage more embarrassing talk.

“Oh god,” the pink-haired event manager muttered next to him, but didn’t say anything else. Hyungwon only briefly smiled at Kihyun and watched him intently instead. “So, your manager is the one who arranges all of that for you? I always wondered if you had a preference for torture.”

“No, he has a preference for torture, but other than that he’s good at what he does, I’m thankful. I can only space out and sing, so-” Shrugging, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked through his gallery, picking a picture Kihyun took of him when they waited for an interview a week ago. Looking up to the ceiling, he thought about a caption, those were the worst. It was just his face and he looked kind of handsome, but that was basically it.

Sighing loudly in restless indecision, he wrote ‘I had a lot of fun singing today.’ and pressed send. A second passed and he heard a sound, reminding him of a bell. It couldn’t have been Kihyun’s phone because it had a noisy violin as a notification sound and his didn’t show anything.

_Does he also have notifications for you? Oh no._

Hyungwon’s eyes widened a little as he pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his tight jeans and glanced at it, texting something with quick movements of his hands. He seemed to write an answer before he quickly stuffed his phone back into his jeans.

“Sorry,” he muttered and chewed on his bottom lip. “Damn, you have a lot of pictures of your face on your phone. Nice ones I gotta add.”

“It’s an occupational hazard,” he murmured and showed Kihyun the post, to prove that he wrote one. “Okay, so that was all from my side today and if Kihyun has anything he will probably call or email you. I guess we will see each other at the concert then?” Smiling brightly, he wanted to put his phone into the pocket of his jeans, but mistook one of his cuts for the right place and let the thing drop down his leg.  
  
_Amazing._

Crouching down he heard Kihyun laughing and finally pulled the device out of another cut on his knee.

“Never let anyone convince you not to wear those just because that happens. They are hot,” Hyungwon murmured and pointed at himself briefly. “I wear them all the time and that is basically my second hobby. One time it landed in one of my boots and I didn’t get it out until I took them off. It kinda sucked because I was in the middle of concert preparations. Exciting day.” The pink-haired man laughed, loud enough to echo off the walls a little and grinned right after. “Thank you very much for letting me take care of your concert, Hoseok. It means a lot to me, really.”

“Not to be overly dramatic, but this was the least stressful concert preparation I’ve ever had. Right Kiki?” He finally put his phone back and looked in Kihyun’s direction, who was thinking intently, furrowing his eyebrows.

“Yeah, it's gone very well so far, but let’s see, it’s not over yet,” he commented and took another call, gesturing at him to pack his stuff.

“I like these jeans, they’re comfy. But I have to go, so- see you in two days?” Hoseok asked and smiled brightly.

“Y-yeah, definitely.” The pink-haired man was cheerful as he spread his lips in a wide smile and waved briefly. Hoseok occupied himself with picking up his bag and stuffing his things into his pockets.

“And... Hoseok?” Hyungwon suddenly called out just when he was about to walk through the backstage door.

“Mhm?” he turned around, humming the melody of one of his songs absentmindedly.

“Thank you for sharing what it’s like to be under water,” the tall man replied quietly and bit down on his bottom lip, like he wasn’t too sure about whether he was supposed to say that or not.

“No- thank you for listening, it makes me feel as if I’m not alone floating,” he murmured and turned around, immediately starting with the note he sang last, adding the lyrics.

“Can I trust that you won't mind

My sanity slipping away?”

There were a lot of things that he liked about being a singer, but people who appreciated his music and the things he wanted to say, those moments where it became apparent that somewhere on the planet, there was a person who listened to his songs and felt comforted, that’s when it felt as if his words found a home.

Those were the best moments.  



	4. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I would just love to eat O-NO’s ass like a fine 7 course meal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 7th of March at 2 PM CET.  
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“Oh my god.”

Hyungwon let his body fall on top of the gigantic bed in Minhyuk’s two room apartment and covered his face with an extra yellow pillow to get his sense of reality back. It just couldn’t be that he had spent several hours listening to O-NO in a (basically) private concert and then told the gorgeous man that he had beautiful selfies. How he managed to still show his fucking face that was probably the color of his hair was a mystery.

“What happened? I only saw that you tweeted ‘I am deceased’, but that can mean anything without context. Did he do some hip thrusts at least?” Minhyuk seemed nonchalant as he lay next to him and scrolled through his timeline, placing random hearts here and there or giggling suddenly for a reason that he didn’t share with Hyungwon.

“He was like a magical being, Minhyuk. You don’t even understand. He gets so lost in his own songs, knowing every beat by heart and when to turn and then his eyes close like there is something he sees while singing, some kind of image or emotions that he has and then he opens those beautiful eyes of his and then - wow. I do not have the words for it, that’s what he does to me. I can’t fucking talk anymore. He fucking looked at me! Fuck. I thought I was going to melt, or nut. Both are about equally embarrassing.” Hyungwon lifted his head halfway through his monologue to make sure that Minhyuk understood what he was saying.

“I feel like you don’t do anything else apart from talk to be honest,” his best friend commented and giggled loudly, making it only worse by holding a twitter post by O-NO in front of his face. It was hot. The silver-haired man was sitting at the edge of the stage and had his head thrown back, eyes closed. It was at the O2 arena, so it must have been taken during the second soundcheck. It was a little sad because Hyungwon would have loved to be there, but Hoseok had said ‘see you at the concert’ and he really didn’t want to be the weirdo that asks to be there at the other soundcheck too. There was no reason for him to be there apart from listening to O-NO’s beautiful voice and be reminded of everything that he associated with the songs.

There was something special about the other man’s timbre. His speaking voice was much lower than his singing voice. The way he arranged the notes resembled a stairway. With each word that left the other man’s lips Hyungwon was able to climb one step higher, almost as if he was able to soar, to fly with the sound of the music alone.

_You have to write it down._

Chewing on his lip, he jumped down from the bed and ran to the hallway where he had left his work bag and the tiny notebook that he kept in one of the smaller pockets. It was already half-full and he was going to need a new one soon.

_You’re being productive, that’s good. You need to find the time for the one thing you love more than anything else._

Apart from O-NO. Hyungwon really loved O-NO, even if a lot of people considered obsessing over celebrities something that only teenagers did. It wasn’t obsessing, it was something different. Hyungwon felt like they shared something, like whatever Hoseok sang got through to him and told him something about himself. It was meaningful and gave him something to look forward to everyday. It was exciting to discuss selfies and figure out where the silver-haired man had taken them and whether it was exactly one week (which was usually the case) or a little longer because O-NO had forgotten to update his twitter.

“Oh god, Minhyuk. I forgot. He read thirst tweets and they will probably upload the video soon. I’m not saying that most of those will be mine, but that is exactly what I’m saying.”

His best friend laughed loudly and shifted a little closer, holding his phone to his face.

“Found it,” he exclaimed and pressed play.

_Holy Jesus with a strap on._

Hoseok was sitting on a chair in front of a jar with printed tweets in it. Licking over his lips, he pulled one out and awkwardly unfolded it. It looked so fucking hilarious how his mouth opened and his eyes widened, reading out the first tweet.

“O-NO’s dick would probably dislocate my jaw.”

“Is that you?” Minhyuk murmured next to him, giggling uncontrollably as he shook his head quickly. The @ was always written at the side. Oh god.

“Of course not, I would take it like a champ,” he hissed back and covered Minhyuk’s mouth with his big palm to hear Hoseok’s response. It was important.

“Uhm- that sounds painful,” Hoseok murmured and he could see a little blush crawling up the gorgeous man’s pale neck. He must've barely used any make-up as he wasn't a fan of it.

_You know your facts even if he doubts your sources._

Grabbing another folded piece of paper, the other man opened it and sucked in a deep breath before reading it out loud.

“I would just love to eat O-NO’s ass like a fine 7 course meal.”

“ _Almost_ same,” Hyungwon whispered and swallowed, contemplating whether he should remember the @. “I’d love for him to eat my ass.”

“Who would have guessed,” Minhyuk commented sarcastically and wiggled out of his hold, staring at the screen. Hoseok looked so embarrassed.

“Like- why would somebody want that?” the other man asked helplessly, before pulling out a new one, looking slightly terrified.

“I wish O-NO would let me suck his dick just once. I know his cum could save my life.”

_Well fuck._

Minhyuk choked next to him and slapped his shoulder painfully. “I can’t believe you wrote that,” his best friend forced out and pressed pause only to laugh in his face.

“I was emotional.”

“ _Emotional,_ ” Minhyuk repeated and only laughed louder. “It must be _that_ kind of emotional then. You might have to change your @ if you don’t want him to be terrified and avoid your account. You’re lucky that it’s your stan account.”

Hyungwon merely groaned and pressed play again, terrified of what was to come.

Staring into the camera, Hoseok sighed and licked over his lips.

“I doubt that very much,” he commented and grabbed the next one. “Why would you think that?”

“He can only be sure after trying it out,” Hyungwon muttered and played with the blanket under him, pulling at it a little.

“Cute, rejection at its finest,” the blonde man next to him exclaimed like in a dramatic play and kicked him for no reason, following it up with a screeching rendition of Three Days Grace’s ‘Pain’.

“Shut up, he’s only confused and doesn’t understand stan language.”

Hyungwon watched the way Hoseok’s facial expression changed as he read the next one and hoped that none of his other rather detailed descriptions of what he wanted to do with Hoseok’s thighs appeared in that jar.

“I want to sit on O-NO’s dick and kind of just spin around like pottery, you know, not sexually though. I just want to spin for a couple of hours and let him mold me into a better person.”

Hyungwon just stared at the words on the screen and read them another two times to make sure he got what the hell was written there.

“What the actual fuck,” he muttered as Hoseok’s expression said something very similar.

“Okay, I have a piece of advice. You should listen to my music and let it shape you into a better person instead of thinking useless stuff, come on,” the silver-haired man murmured and threw his head back, looking at the interviewer in desperation. Hyungwon felt a little bit sorry for him.

“Why are you doing this to me?” Hoseok asked. “It's crazy- especially the ‘saving my life’ one, did they really write that?” His pink cheeks looked gorgeous.

“You left an impression,” Minhyuk remarked and giggled again, waiting for Hoseok to pull out another one as the video didn’t show the interviewer’s reply. It was clear that each tweet was real because the @ and the tweet itself were shown at the bottom.

“I want to rub my butt over O-NO’s thighs and have him tell me what it feels like so I finally have some inspiration.”

_Well, there you go._

“Your kink is showing, Hyungwon,” his best friend murmured and laughed again. “I can’t believe there are two of yours. Two. You will be seeing him in person tomorrow and probably talking to him and here he is reading out tweets in which you talked about sucking his dick and rubbing your ass over his thighs. I love you.”

Hyungwon squeezed his friend's butt once for vaguely sharing his pain and returned his attention to the screen.

“You wouldn't know, but I'm really bad at finding the right words. I don't think my thighs are inspiration enough,” Hoseok muttered. There must have been a signal indicating the end as he jumped from the chair, yelling ‘fucking finally’ before coming really close and saying his goodbyes while waving into the camera with a gorgeous smile on his lips.

“I’m in love,” Hyungwon whispered, feeling like every proper word had left him. Hoseok was so impossibly adorable, gorgeous, innocent somehow. It seemed like the silver-haired man didn’t get his dick sucked on a regular basis even though Hyungwon was pretty damn sure that he did. And should, especially should.

_You're hopeless._

“Of course, you are, just don’t tell him that tomorrow. That would be awkward,” Minhyuk muttered and turned off the video, staring at him with a grin on his face. “I find it fascinating that you like him so much. It’s always the cute, innocent artist with thick thighs, isn’t it?”

Hyungwon thought about the definition and felt a little uncomfortable with how his last three crushes fit the description perfectly.

“But I have liked O-NO since forever. It doesn’t count.”

“Whatever you say. Now we’re watching what I’m into,” Minhyuk exclaimed excitedly and turned on a compilation of muscular guys beating the shit out of each other. When Hyungwon saw it for the first time he had hoped that they would get it on in the end. Unfortunately, he had been terribly disappointed, that only happened in porn.

Hyungwon was excited to see the gorgeous silver-haired man again and even though he knew that it was probably the last time that he would meet him in person, he couldn't help but be hopeful that it wasn’t. He wanted to see him again, and again and again.

_Everyday._

He wasn't really in love with Hoseok. Of course not, Hyungwon didn't really know him. He only knew what was shown on the screen and what the silver-haired man allowed his fans to see with his regular Twitter posts. All of it was controlled and organized so that there were small glimpses into the person Lee Hoseok, but never enough to really know.

But Hyungwon couldn't help but want to know. He wanted to know what Hoseok was really like, what emotions his lyrics stemmed from, whether they were the same ones Hyungwon felt and associated with when he listened to the songs. There had always been something that connected him with the gorgeous singer, independent of his attractive appearance and the beautiful words he used.

It almost seemed like the angel-like voice gave him emotions that he in turn was able to put into words. It felt magical.

_The last time you liked a celebrity it didn’t go too well, did it?_

It didn’t. But Hyungwon had learned from his mistakes, right?

Probably not.

 

_

 

 

There were definitely not enough fingers on both of his hands to count how many times he had checked himself out in the mirror and attempted to perfect his look.

“You're hot, fucking hell. You're a hot bubble gum bitch, isn't that enough?” Minhyuk asked while rearranging his beautifully tailored glittery blouse. He looked like he was going to the club, but so did Hyungwon.

His long legs were hugged by tight black leather pants and his feet fit snugly into a pair of calf-high boots, a little higher because one could never be tall enough at concerts. Sure, he was going to be surrounded by young girls that slept in front of the venue and could barely collect the strength to stand straight, but he wanted to look like god had decided to personify perfection.

Glancing at his face one last time, Hyungwon felt proud of the way he had covered the bags under his eyes and emphasized his eyelids with a little bit of reddish silver and finally deep red on his lips. He really looked like a pink princess, a hot one.

“I'm loving the ribbon at the back, makes you look like a present to unwrap,” Minhyuk giggled and pulled at one of the straps, opening the ribbon and revealing half of his back.

“I'm not yours to unwrap,” he hissed and fumbled to close the ribbon again. The blouse was gorgeously transparent at the front and could be opened at the back with the ribbon. It was his favorite shirt because one didn't really need to take it off to touch some skin.

“As if anybody will unwrap you tonight apart from me when you're lying heartsick on my bed.” His best friend giggled again and pretended to faint with a fake gasp. The blonde man was really no fun, ruining everything before it even started.

“Don't shatter my dreams,” he commented and threw a light leather jacket over his shoulders. It was March but still pretty cold at night.

“Who knows, maybe he'll change his mind when you offer to suck his dick and have your life saved by his cum,” Minhyuk commented and instantly ran to the door, perfectly aware that Hyungwon was going to break his damn neck for still mentioning it.

_Better hope he doesn’t let it slip in front of Hoseok._

There were a lot of things his best friend didn't care about and appropriate conversation was item number one on that list.

Leaving the spacious apartment, the two of them jumped into his red car and made their way to the venue. It was still early but it would have been unfair to just squeeze to the front right before the performance.

The excitement only increased the closer they got to the backstage entry of the O2 arena, heart hammering in his chest even though he had been to a bunch of O-NO concerts over the years.

“Can I slut drop when he does my favorite song or will you cancel the friendship?” Minhyuk asked as they walked along the narrow hallways at the back of the arena and Hyungwon nodded at a few familiar faces. Luckily, they had seen him in all kinds of attire and various hair colors.

Only when they squeezed to the front and stood at the barricades did he begin to think about what was to come. It was the first time being that close, right at the front watching O-NO perform. He couldn't fucking wait.

A notification from his phone made him flinch so hard that Minhyuk let out a burst of laughter and accidentally spit on a girl’s hair but she didn’t notice it.

It was O-NO, a Twitter post before the start of the concert. Of course, there was a picture attached. The beautiful silver-haired man was staring down at his phone, left mouth corner pulled up and gaze intense. He wore a shirt with a ridiculous cut, so that you could see both of his collarbones. The caption was ‘Look forward to my special performance’.

Hyungwon sure as hell was. Damn.

“I'd tap that,” Minhyuk commented next to him as three of the girls nearby agreed. It was hilarious.

“Can you believe he looked all lost and innocent reading thirst tweets while posting all those dom pics?” Hyungwon sighed at the mystery and returned his gaze to the stage, checking to see if they had adjusted the lights as he had told them to. Hoseok had wanted a little less brightness and the only way to achieve that in an appealing way were filters. Luckily the crew had listened.

“Maybe he's pretending to be cute, all soft and innocent until he just fucks you into the damn wall.”

“Please, but also shush,” Hyungwon hissed and covered Minhyuk’s mouth with his palm. It was time for the lights to turn off and the show to begin.

His timing was perfect as the arena descended into darkness before a single spotlight shone on a spot in the middle of the stage. There were screams and the people around him got excited, shouting and screeching at the suspense. There was no music and no O-NO, but suddenly everybody shut up as a gentle voice sounded through the gigantic speakers, humming a melody.

It was breathtaking and Hyungwon only needed a few seconds to recognize it, squeezing Minhyuk's arm when he did.

The piano joined, just like the drums, and he could see Hoseok walk out of the darkness, holding the silver mic in his hand and singing along to the music. As soon as the gorgeous man stopped under the bright spotlight, Hyungwon could see that he was wearing ridiculously tight leather pants and a black semi see-through shirt with a giant cut, emphasizing his collarbones and hinting at the dark nipples on the perfectly sculpted chest. The stylist deserved a raise.

_Fuck._

“I suddenly decided to stan,” Minhyuk gasped next to him and moved a little closer to the barrier, curling his hands around the metal bar. It was a lie because his best friend always pretended not to like O-NO even though he did, enjoying the music as much as he did.

A girl next to him screamed the artist's name and Hyungwon wanted to shush her so she stopped interrupting the beautiful notes that were leaving the other man's lips. It was fascinating and grabbed his attention by the balls, keeping it close and focused on nothing but the figure in the middle. He didn't even bother to reply to his friend as he watched with wide eyes how Hoseok moved across the stage, the other man's pants sticking to his legs and moving like a second skin with him.

The song changed to a faster and sexier one, and Hoseok managed to always make the right move while having his eyes closed most of the time. Despite only occasionally looking into the crowd, the other man managed to still move and sing as if he could see it all. On the rather sad ending note, the gorgeous man dropped to his knees, right in front of him, and threw his head back, sweat glistening on the pale chest.

“Fuck my life,” Hyungwon whispered, unable to pull his eyes away. Adrenaline mixed with excitement and physical attraction had messed up his senses. His lips were suddenly so dry that he had to lick over them repeatedly. Security distance must have been initiated for health reasons and nothing else, dear god.

“Thank you so much, seeing you guys makes me really happy,” the low voice commented as O-NO smiled shyly, as if he hadn’t just showed Hyungwon his lower body on a platter. “I will come down to say hi during the next song.” Nodding at security, the artist started singing something more cheerful, actually his only cheerful song, and walked down the small stairs that Hyungwon had organized the day before. The other man looked really shy and kept his distance, while still trying to touch as many hands as possible, smiling and nodding while he sang. There were only a few meters between them.

Hyungwon pressed his lips together for a few seconds to get rid of the hammering in his ears. He had seen him before, in person, and even talked to the silver-haired man, but still it was something different to be there as a fan. Smiling brightly, he watched the artist he admired the most make his way in his direction and listened to what fans were screaming at him, attempting to tell him how much they loved him.

_You don't need to say anything, Hyungwon. Just enjoy the moment._

Smiling at Minhyuk briefly, the silver-haired man caught his gaze. It was fascinating how his eyes widened and a gorgeous, bright smile appeared on his features, incomparable to anything the other man’s face had expressed before. His lips moved and he could recognize Hoseok mouthing his name, as he took his stretched-out palm and grabbed it, intertwining their fingers and shaking his arm a little while he sang.

“Holding out for something I can’t force,  
What am I missing?  
Oh baby, what am I missing?”

_Oh god._

Hyungwon squeezed right back, brushing over the side of the other man's hand with his thumb while he tried not to die.

He was graced with another gorgeous smile before Hoseok had to move on and walked to the other side.

Hyungwon felt dizzy as he simply watched Hoseok move along and didn't dare touch the metal bar with his palm again. It felt like the warmth he still felt would have disappeared instantly instead of lingering where Hoseok’s fingers had touched the back of his hand. It felt crazy because it was different, he was different.

_You're special, because he knows you._

Hyungwon wasn't able to abandon the thought as one song seamlessly transitioned into the next and he kept trying to meet the other man's brown eyes. Hoseok was indescribable.

The concert was almost over and there was one song left. The special performance. The gorgeous man came out, wearing black jeans and a black turtleneck which was a little disappointing, but despite being fully dressed, O-NO still looked like a five-course meal.

“Now I would like you to give a lot of love to the song I prepared for you. I really love the artist and it means the world to me to be able to sing it here, in London.” Hoseok closed his eyes and curled his fingers around the mic stand. The beat sounded so familiar, and before he could recognize the song, brown eyes focused on his face and the beautiful low voice sang to him.

 

“He left no time to regret  
Kept his dick wet  
With his same old safe bet  
Me and my head high  
And my tears dry  
Get on without my guy”

 

O-NO kept looking at him, it seemed like crazy, wishful thinking, but he really did. Hyungwon swallowed and licked over his lips before mouthing every word. They felt connected, like Hoseok and him were sharing something special as the music played and their gazes remained locked.

The song proceeded, smoothly transitioning into the low tones of the chorus and the feeling changed, only gaining intensity. Images began to fill Hyungwon's mind, wet sand, the sun at the edge of the horizon that was dipping its red body into the ocean. It felt like Deja vu, but Hoseok had never sung the piece before, not publicly. His heart was beating quickly and his hands trembled as he continued to hold the silver-haired man's gaze and mouthed every single word, as if they were pronouncing it together while his vision blurred.

The music stopped and Hoseok looked at him again, gifting him a shy smile before he sang the last verse acapella.

 

“We only said goodbye with words  
I died a hundred times  
You go back to her  
And I go back to black”

 

The word ‘black’ was almost a whisper, only audible because of the perfectly tuned mic. O-NO’s eyes closed and the light turned off, plunging the whole arena in darkness.

“Thank you. Thank you so much for coming today. I love you,” Hoseok’s low voice spoke, still in complete darkness. “Please get home safely and I’ll go back to black.” The lights turned on, but there was no one on stage anymore, only pretty black confetti falling from the ceiling and covering the crowd.

His vision blurred as the small snippets of black paper covered everything and stuck to his naked skin, a little sweaty from dancing and the strange flashes of images in his head. There were loud noises around him, people talking or screaming for O-NO to return but none of it really registered as he was only aware of the sound of his quick breaths and the mixed emotions in his chest.

A warm hand appeared on his shoulder, squeezing a little as his best friend’s rather blurry face focused on him, expression worried.

“Why are you crying, Hyungwon?”

_What?_

His eyes widened as he lifted a hand to his face, instantly coating his palm with liquid that felt cool against his hand but burning hot on his cheeks.

_Why are you crying?_

He didn't know. It must have been the images, the combination of hearing Hoseok’s breathtaking low voice and the sudden burning in his chest paired with visions of summer in his head. He couldn't really place it anywhere and he couldn't tell if it was really Deja vu or whether his mind was playing tricks on him.

“I don't know, fuck,” he hissed and carefully dabbed at his eyes to not smudge his makeup. It was gorgeous and he still wanted Hoseok to see it once he went backstage to congratulate him on a successful concert.

“I'd really like it if we could leave though because some of these girls are staring and already asking why O-NO knows my friend, so can we please…?” His best friend was quick as he curled his delicate hand around Hyungwon's slim wrist and pulled him out of the crowd and right into one of the backstage hallways, out of sight from the screaming horde.

“Shit, he must have fucked with my head or something,” Hyungwon cursed and stepped into one of the restrooms, instantly grabbing some tissues and patting the tears on his face. No fucking way was he going to see Hoseok while looking like an emotional mess. “The song simply reminded me of something.”

“Ouch, breakup?” Minhyuk asked, being as insensitive as ever and applying some red lip tint to his lips, smacking them loudly.

“No, summer,” he replied and began to reapply his fancy eyeshadow. His face didn't look as bad as he thought. His eyes weren't swollen and neither were his cheeks. “I hope that I wasn't crying while he stared at me.”

Minhyuk stopped in the middle of applying perfume and turned towards him with a deadpan expression.

“Sorry, but… you kinda were.”

Well, fuck. Hyungwon genuinely hoped that the beautiful smile the silver-haired man had gifted him hadn't transformed into pure fear of having another overly emotional and obsessed fan. He really didn't want to be like that, he wanted to be someone who understood and appreciated the other man's talents.

Well, maybe also someone who held his hand at concerts and was allowed to sit on his lap, but that was only an extra.

“I want to throw myself out of the window, right this instant,” he groaned and pulled his leather pants a little higher on his thighs. They looked better when they were perfectly skin tight. Once Minhyuk fixed the ribbon on his back he was ready to go and pretend to be a composed event manager that just happened to visit a concert.

“Oh my god, you're taking me along? He must have really fucked up your brain. With his hand,” his best friend remarked and laughed as they stopped in front of the dressing room door. Hyungwon must have really been mental for wanting to take Minhyuk along.

“It'd be really mean to ditch you. Please behave,” he whispered and finally knocked on the door.

A second passed, before Kihyun’s face appeared in the door crack, looking hostile, before he recognized him and smiled.

_He's fucking scary, Hyungwon._

Unfortunately, Kihyun also happened to be just the type of person his obnoxious friend liked.

“Wow, you look as if you are the one performing,” the short man commented and pointed at Minhyuk. “Who's this?”

“My best friend, also works in event management. You might have talked to him on the phone before you got to me. Lee Minhyuk,” Hyungwon introduced the rather happy blonde man next to him and tried to find Hoseok somewhere in the back of the room. “But thanks for the compliment, I like to impress.”

Kihyun nodded and opened the door, just as a half-naked O-NO passed by, slipping out of his black turtleneck.

“Hyungwon!” the artist exclaimed, before becoming aware that there was another person and holding the piece of fabric against one of his nipples. There was a hint of black ink over the other man’s hip bone, but it was impossible to make out what it was without pulling the tight jeans and underwear down those thick thighs. “Sorry, let me put a fresh shirt on really quick,” Hoseok muttered and disappeared behind one of the partition walls, showing his gorgeous naked back, muscular and pale, veins covering his triceps and forearms.

_If Minhyuk hadn't been there, he wouldn't have bothered, Hyungwon._

One was always smarter in hindsight.

“You were amazing, Hoseok, seriously. I've been to a lot of your concerts, but you get better with every tour. I swear,” he commented while already missing the sight of the other man's beautiful skin. He shouldn't be thirsting so much, but it was hard.

“How did you fit into those pants, O-NO?” Minhyuk asked next to him and snickered before throwing himself on the couch like he was invited or something.

“Huh? I just put them on? I know they look tight, but they’re custom made and really comfortable for dancing, so I like them. And I can ride the bike in them because nothing is hanging loose and they don’t make me sweat much, so I’m really thankful,” the artist murmured, before appearing from behind the partition. Hoseok was adorable, really adorable.

_A sweetheart._

“Thank you,” the other man said, letting his gaze slide over Hyungwon’s body while his eyes widened. “Wow, you can definitely challenge my outfit, I should have shown Marcia, but she’s gone already. I only paid attention to your face.”

_He watched your face._

Hyungwon tried to contain the way said face instantly transformed into the sun at the words. He wanted to be reasonable, he really did, but Hoseok looking at his face was just too much for him to handle.

“Who's Marcia?” Minhyuk asked while he was still busy with contemplating what to say.

“Ah, she’s my stylist and make-up artist. Actually, it’s always the same few people around me, I’m not really the social type, so they’re all friends I’ve known from a long time ago. She would have definitely liked Hyungwon’s outfit.” Smiling, O-NO brushed back his wet bangs and grabbed a bottle of water from the table, emptying it in one go.

“Are you okay? You looked sad during the last song, I hope I didn’t ruin it.” Hoseok cupped his face between both palms and squeezed it in an expression of pure dismay.

“W-what? No! Not at all! It was amazing, splendid, fantastic, every good word that has ever been invented in the whole wide world. It's just-” Hyungwon stopped talking because it was getting embarrassing and he didn't really know what to say without making it even worse.

_It's just that you were suddenly overcome by memories you didn't know were sad._

“Basically, he cried like a little bitch because it was so good. You nailed it, O-NO, seriously. Amy Winehouse would have been proud,” Minhyuk added and smiled at him. The last sentence was probably meant to save him, but the rest was pure disrespect. Hyungwon genuinely considered turning around and running out like a hunted gazelle, but he still had a little bit of pride.

“The song is very emotional,” he added in his defense and brushed through his styled pink strands.

“I’m glad that I managed not to cry on stage,” Hoseok replied before turning to the table where a phone was vibrating furiously. Closing the distance, the other man picked up while looking at the ceiling.

“Mhm. Backstage. I’ll text when I’m done. But I want to write a little, so come at two or something if you want. Yeah. See you.” It was a pretty short phone call. Hoseok hung up and turned back to them. “Anyway, I hope that you liked it. I really liked it, it was super cool that I could look at a face I was familiar with in the crowd.”

_He prefers to have someone familiar in the crowd?_

Hyungwon nodded to show that he agreed without beginning another rather extensive monologue on how much he had liked it. Hoseok was unbelievably talented, the one person that made him feel alive with his voice.

“Who was that?” Minhyuk asked suddenly and pointed at the phone, not bothering with people's privacy as usual.

_God, he'll make him uncomfortable._

Hoseok looked uncomfortable, staring at his friend, before clearing his throat.

“A friend,” was the short answer, before the silver-haired man turned in Kihyun’s direction.

_It's definitely not a friend._

“That's awesome!” Hyungwon exclaimed excitedly and came a little closer, smiling brightly. He had to save the day. “I love writing in the middle of the night too, even though it's nowhere close to your lyrics and definitely not music. I'm rather hopeless when it comes to writing music. Also, I hope we're not keeping you from anything. Actually, I only wanted to ask you if you'd be free for a beer, maybe, this year, someday. Yeah, to- you know, celebrate that your concert went well. That.”

_Just die already, Hyungwon._

The dark-brown eyes glanced in Minhyuk’s direction, watching his friend for a few seconds, before Hoseok turned to him and smiled.

“With me,” Hyungwon added quickly and fumbled with his hands.

Leaning in, the silver-haired man came closer, blue, slightly wet bangs brushing against his cheek as he felt hot air hit the shell of his ear.

“Yeah, but my schedule is pretty tight and you would have to come to my house because I can’t really go out but if I do, I normally go by bike to more secluded places, so I can’t drink.”

“I- I have a car,” Hyungwon answered dumbly and couldn't believe he was having a conversation with Lee- fucking- Hoseok about how to meet up without him getting accosted in the streets. “I mean- well- I could drive if you want me to, but I can also come to your house of course. Any- anything you like, Hoseok.”

_Oh my god._

The other man had leaned back to look at him but came closer again, probably to keep their conversation private.

“Hm, let’s just meet up at some really nice place in the middle of nowhere and drink coffee. Or Sprite. Then I can go by bike and you don’t have to be weirded out by my house.” The dark-brown eyes met his and the other man smiled beautifully, putting his phone into Hyungwon’s palm. “I’d ask Kihyun for your contact details, but he’s weird, so just give me your number.”

Hyungwon would have loved to see Hoseok’s house, but he forgot all about that as soon as he felt the cold metal of the other man's phone in his hand and realized what the fuck that would mean.

_O-NO will have your phone number. He'll have your motherfucking phone number._

It wasn't a given that the other man would call, but fuck, Hyungwon hoped so. His eyes settled on the phone in his hand and a list of most recent calls, right next to the new contact button. He had no intention to look, he really didn't, but the name Anna basically burned through his retina as the person that called the silver-haired man last.

_She can't be a friend._

“I know a lot of beautiful villages around here. There is a teeny tiny cafe about 27 miles from here that has a rather well-preserved cave of limestone and the family that takes care of it offers coffee too. It's pretty dark in there and most of the villagers don't even have a TV, so it might be perfect.” He just babbled to get rid of the panic in his mind at knowing something that could probably ruin Hoseok’s career if the wrong people found out. He was definitely not going to tell anybody. Ever. He was only sad that all the gorgeous men were either straight or taken.

_Or both._

Chewing on his bottom lip, he entered the digits of his phone number and wrote ‘your pink-haired fan Won’ as the name. It was fucking cheesy but being cheesy was a character trait that he could keep on denying. It would be funny once he finally got around to changing his hair.

Hoseok chuckled, watching his face intently.

“I really like your attitude, it’s so fresh, like the sea,” the artist murmured, before taking back his phone and reading the name. “Let’s see whether I know who this number belongs to after a week, maybe I should write Hyungwon,” he elaborated, but left the name Hyungwon had entered, putting the device back into his jeans pocket. “I have to shower and get ready to leave, so sorry that I have to abandon you. It-” There was a pause as Hoseok licked over his lips and closed his eyes for a few seconds before opening them. “Thank you for singing along.”

Hyungwon really wanted to hug him but didn't.

“I like you,” he said instead like an absolute idiot and stared right back. Suddenly he wished he had worn contact lenses for effect.

Hoseok blinked a few times and his mouth parted, without any sound coming out. He lifted his palms and rubbed over his cheeks furiously.

“Oh god, it’s easier when it’s someone I don’t know screaming it at me from the crowd.”

_Holy fuck, he's shy._

Hyungwon lifted his palm carefully and pressed the three fingers in the middle to his plump, red lips before blowing lightly. Smoothly removing his hand from his lips in the form of a kiss, he sent it to the other man.

“Oh my god, don’t do this to me,” the gorgeous singer whispered and covered his face with both palms, hiding behind them. After a few seconds had passed, Hoseok removed his hands, revealing a pink blush on his cheeks and cleared his throat, looking to the side.

“Uhm, thank you, anyways, please don’t expect next week or something, because shit is going down at the moment, but I’ll write, I promise.” O-NO put his hands into the pockets of his jeans and kicked away invisible stuff from the floor.

“If there is somebody that understands the busy schedule of a celebrity, then it has to be me,” Hyungwon replied with a wide smile and nodded, turning to Minhyuk as a hint to get his ass off the couch and stop annoying Hoseok’s manager.

His best friend appeared rather occupied as he explained something to a visibly confused Kihyun who was pursing his lips at whatever the blonde man was telling him.

“I don’t really like it, but that’s how it is. I’m thankful too.” Hoseok smiled, before turning around quickly, grabbing his hand and squeezing it tightly. “Oh my god I’m such a dick, holy shit, thank you so much for organizing everything, it was my best organized concert so far and it was the biggest one, so I’m really, really thankful for all your work, thank you!”

It felt like the silver-haired man was crushing his bones, but fuck, Hyungwon was also thankful, even for that.

“It was my pleasure, really,” he squeezed out and tried to return the hold, but Hoseok had basically paralyzed his hand. It was painful but also ridiculously hot at the same time.

His face must’ve given out his pain, as the silver-haired man let go like he was burned and bit down on his bottom lip.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m really thankful and I almost forgot to tell you, so I panicked.”

“Don’t worry, I like men with a strong grip,” Hyungwon replied with a grin before he realized and really wanted to slap himself, hard. “Haha,” he added belatedly and licked over his lips, hoping that he could run away and hide soon. He had to leave so Hoseok would still want to call him later.

“I think I need to sleep, but I still wanted to write, fuck my life,” O-NO sighed and shook his head at himself before closing the distance to Minhyuk and stretching out his hand. “It was nice to meet you, but I have to get ready.”

His best friend didn’t even hesitate a second before he shamelessly grabbed Hoseok’s hand and squeezed it, smiling brightly. “Pleasure was all mine,” Minhyuk remarked and winked at Hyungwon as soon as the muscular man wasn’t looking, occupied with his preparations. It was the perfect time to disappear.

“Hit me up,” Hyungwon pointed out again and grabbed Minhyuk by the wrist, pulling him towards the exit. “You’ve done Amy justice, Hoseok. Thank you.”

“It was my first time singing it to people. I only sang it to the summer and an empty house once,” the low voice murmured behind him. “Get home well and thank you for everything.”

_It can’t be Deja vu then._

Hyungwon merely smiled before waving at the other man’s manager once and pulling Minhyuk through the door, finally allowing himself to give into the panic. Holy fucking shit.

“Fuck my life,” he hissed as he pulled his best friend through the hallways of the arena and all the way to his car.

“Not to upset you or anything, but damn, the panicked gay jumped out,” Minhyuk commented and started laughing hysterically on his passenger seat and holding his middle.

“Well fuck. Do you think it was obvious to him? Does he think I’m thirsting after him? Oh god.” Hyungwon slapped his palm against his forehead before letting the wheel do the job, imprinting itself beautifully into his skin.

“No fucking way. He probably wouldn’t figure out that someone was thirsting after him even if they come with a giant ‘I want to ride your dick, O-NO’ sign.”

It was hilarious, but Minhyuk actually had a point somehow. Hoseok had been so sweet when he blushed, color beautiful on his pale skin and the way it had traveled over his cheeks. Oh god. Hyungwon was fucking hooked and he had been for several years. It couldn’t get any worse.

Hoseok had his phone number. It could.

 

***

  
  
Lying on his back, Hoseok scrolled through his private twitter while a delicate hand brushed over his naked hip bones and abs, drawing circles carefully. He didn’t really pay attention, because he was disappointed.

_Maybe he has writer's block, like you._

His favorite poet still hadn't uploaded anything new, so he spent the last twenty minutes looking through his previous posts and sighed at the beautifully chosen words that immediately gave him the feeling that he was somewhere else, felt something else, was someone else. It was amazing, he had never experienced anything like that until he stumbled upon the small account six years ago. The same time he created his own account on twitter.

_He is the only one who keeps you inspired besides you drowning every now and then._

“It can’t be more interesting than me, can it?” Anna murmured right next to his ear and it was way too close and too loud for his taste, so he shifted a little.

“It’s interesting to me,” he replied, putting likes everywhere and commenting irrelevant stuff like ‘amazing’ and ‘I love it’ under the poet’s posts. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to the blonde woman next to him. If he was honest, they also didn’t really have anything in common. She was an actress and he hated watching TV, but she wasn't able to date openly, so they were in a somewhat mutually beneficial relationship with each other. That was basically it.

He was still overwhelmed after performing ‘Back To Black’ and taking the edge off didn’t really help in removing the feeling of sadness that he could feel as soon as he closed his eyes.

_Just don’t close your eyes then._

Hoseok really wanted to tell the woman to go, but it would’ve been assholish, so he sat up and pulled the loose black shorts over his hips.

“I think I’ll write some more, you can sleep,” he murmured and left the spacious bedroom, closing the door behind him. The few steps it took to reach his studio were done in silence, so fitting for this time of night. The small light was still on from his earlier session as he picked up his notebook, browsing through the drafts of his attempts to write something authentic.

_You haven’t written anything in two months. Kihyun said that you need a new song. Where is your inspiration?_

Suddenly he remembered the tweet where the person said she wanted to rub her ass against his thighs and for him to tell her how it felt so she’d get some inspiration. Chuckling, Hoseok brushed his hair back and drew a star on the side of the page like an idiot.

_You can’t rub your ass anywhere and get inspiration. It’s all locked in your head, but it doesn’t want to come out._

Closing his eyes, Hoseok let his right hand travel over the keyboard. He played the melody of ‘Back To Black’ while his mind was flooded with the images of the expressive face with the huge lips and big eyes and the tears that had been running down his cheeks. He had never seen anybody look that good while crying. When he cried, he looked like a beaten-up SpongeBob, it was unfair.

Hyungwon must have also felt a connection to the song, probably not the same as him, but his reaction was highly understandable to Hoseok. He definitely shouldn’t have looked through the Shakespeare sonnets, the picture woke up memories he didn’t want to think about, because they still managed to make him sad.

_Because you miss summer._

Summer was more than just the season, it was the way it had felt back then, the way he had felt back then. The carefree strolling along the coast and the laughs, the indescribable feeling of levity. Their talks about important and unimportant things, the way they bonded without him doing anything. He had gotten Hoseok’s trust just like that back then. It never happened again.

Sometimes he wondered whether he had made it up, but his mother still used ‘the summer-child’ as an example that he was able to make friends eventually.

_Because he was summer._

Sighing, Hoseok stared at the dark wall across from him.

“What am I missing? Babe, what am I missing?” he hummed quietly, letting the darkness and insomnia take over for him and repeat the endless circle until it was time for his next schedule.  
_  
  
The weeks passed, filled with schedules and show appearances. He was completely exhausted. There were too many new faces and names he couldn’t remember and he was forced to smile and answer the same questions all over again. Summing up, he was indeed just bone and tissue used for other people’s entertainment, it was a mess.

_Do you even know who you are?_

“Hoseok? O-NO? Look at me.” Kihyun suddenly appeared in his sight, waving at him like a crazy person. “Did you space out again? You can’t do that all the time, they had to cut the show for you. Don't you think you should continue with Lauren?”

“I don’t care,” he murmured and buried his face in both palms. “You know what? I’m going to drive somewhere far away from here and have some alone time, this is too much, I’m sorry.” Standing up, he grabbed his leather jacket and helmet and walked towards the exit.

“Wait, are you crazy? Hoseok, you have schedules for the next six hours, you can’t just go!” Kihyun screamed after him.

“Cancel them. This won’t do,” he replied and put his helmet on. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” Ignoring further commentary from his manager, Hoseok left the building and walked over to his bike before throwing his leg over the seat and sinking down onto the beautifully curved machine.

_Where do you want to go?_

He had no fucking idea, somewhere.

_This is stupid._

It was. Thinking for a few more seconds, he suddenly remembered someone telling him about a cave that he had googled a few times, but never found the time to go. It was located next to a spot he had visited a couple of times, so he knew the way there. Starting the engine, he drove off, hoping to stay away from humans for a bit.

The weather was nice so he was able to lift his visor as soon as he left London, riding past hedges and beautiful fields without meeting a single human. He had met a grumpy old man and asked him for directions, but that was it.

The place was really beautiful, especially with the sunny weather that decided to bless the English countryside for once. He parked his bike and walked towards the place where the cave was supposed to be. It was a very secluded area with barely any people. There were only a few children under the oak trees who were playing with sticks and yelling excitedly. He couldn't quite make out what they were saying as their voices were drowned out by the wind. It was difficult to imagine that there was a place like this in a small village close to metropolitan London.

It didn’t seem that the village expected tourists as there were no direction signs whatsoever to find the cave and Hoseok was forced to walk along a path through the forest. It could be taking him to the middle of nowhere instead of the cave, but an elderly woman had insisted it was the right way.

_You just ditched all of your schedules._

He did. Sighing loudly and feeling really guilty, he finally found a cliff-like formation with a gigantic opening surrounded by stabilizing wood and a few metal bars at the entrance. There wasn’t even a single sign, nothing at all, only the cave itself and wood that supported the entrance. The colors on the outside were gorgeous. The inside was decorated with large brown and yellow stalactites that had formed. Not hesitating for long, he entered, hoping for some coffee and silence.

The first was easy enough to obtain as the spacious entrance was filled with about 4 plastic tables and a kiosk where a woman prepared coffee with a machine that looked older than Hoseok. She didn't seem to be expecting anybody as her eyes widened briefly and she hurried over to him.

“Feels like it’s booming in here today,” she remarked with a small smile and gestured towards a young, blonde man that was sitting at one of the tables and furiously scribbling something into a notebook. He was hovering over the paper and Hoseok saw nothing apart from a blue leather jacket and platinum blonde hair sprawled over the table. It felt a little strange to see so much color on a single person in the middle of nowhere.

“It's a really nice place, I'm surprised it’s not busier. But I'm happy because it's so quiet,” he replied, hearing his own low voice echoing from the stone walls and smiled using the last bit of his stamina. He must've really been exhausted.

“Don’t you worry about that, boy. I have the perfect something for you,” the elderly woman replied with a raised finger and hurried over to her machine, placing a pretty porcelain cup under it. It looked old, about as old as everything else. There were a few family photos in black and white, hung up on wooden walls that must have been installed to not interfere with the integrity of the cave walls. “Sit down already, you look like you might faint on me.”

_That would be super awkward._

Nodding furiously, Hoseok sat down and put his helmet on the chair beside him, leaning back against the plastic backrest. It was relaxing somehow.

“You’re getting a cheese scone too,” the woman’s voice called from her working area as she added a bit of milk into the pretty cup of coffee and brought it over in record time, placing it in front of him. “Would you like a cup of milk with honey too? It does wonders, believe me.”

“I don't like milk,” he muttered, shocked at the amount of attention the older woman was paying him.

“Oh, bollocks,” she cursed and grabbed the cup from under his nose, glancing over to the only other occupied table. “Hyungwon, dear, would you mind another coffee with milk? You drink them like water after all.”

The blonde head didn’t lift from the table as the young man continued scribbling and only lifted his free hand briefly in a gesture of agreement. The elderly woman huffed at that and brought the offending cup to the other table, pursing her lips a little. “Do you like black coffee then, fairy boy? Your hair reminds me of a fairy, the curious ones that dip their fingers where they aren’t meant to be.” She chuckled.

_Did she say Hyungwon?_

Hoseok must've been mistaken and didn't think much before answering.

“Mhm, I like it black. And I'm not a fairy, I'm just in love with the ocean and my hair reminds me of it.” Smiling he threw his head back, sucking in the slightly moist air into his lungs.

“The sea is beautiful, but not in Britain,” the owner of the place remarked before disappearing to make a new cup of coffee, arranging a gigantic cheese scone on a plate while she was at it.

There was a little bit of movement at the corner table as the blonde man lifted his head and watched him suddenly, simply staring without moving an inch. The sound of scribbling on paper had also stopped, surrounding them in deep quiet that was only interrupted by the sounds of the coffee machine.

He felt the gaze and looked back, meeting huge eyes, familiar, very familiar eyes. The blonde hair framed the golden face and he had to stare with his mouth slightly parted until it finally dawned upon him.

“Hyungwon,” he murmured, trying to integrate the platinum blonde hair into his previous picture.

“Hoseok,” the other man mouthed as if it was a game and smiled brightly, transforming his whole face and making him look like the sun with the color of his hair. His cheeks looked really plump, a little like a chipmunk when he lifted them up like that.

_Wait. Didn't he tell you about this place?_

He couldn't really remember, but it might have been the tall man with the big eyes.

“I'm sorry, I didn't want to disturb you by talking,” he apologized and took off his jacket, placing it over the backrest of his chair.

The other man didn’t reply immediately and chewed on his cheek as he stared at his notebook and back at Hoseok. A few moments passed until he simply stuffed everything in his leather bag and stood up, crossing the room to Hoseok’s table. Lifting his helmet from the seat, Hyungwon smiled and pointed at the free spot.

“May I?”

He was a little baffled, mainly due to the fact that he was not expecting to meet anyone he knew and because of Hyungwon's new hair.

“Uh, sure,” he replied and took the helmet, placing it under his chair. “Your hair is different.”

_God, why are you like this?_

“It sure is.” Hyungwon laughed and sat down, throwing his leather bag somewhere next to him. The blonde man didn’t bother to take off his leather jacket and merely pulled it a little tighter around himself. “You know, I like to change my hair once in a while. It’s a little bit like changing yourself. You stare into the mirror and suddenly you see something different, so you have to figure yourself out again and decide whether it is the person you want to be. At least that’s how it works with me. Oh, your coffee.”

The monologue was only interrupted because the cafe lady brought his hot cup of black coffee and placed it in front of him while raising an eyebrow at Hyungwon. She didn’t say anything though and returned to a small chair at the corner next to the coffee machine where she continued to read her book.

“That- makes sense, I guess. How have you been?” Looking into his cup, he lifted it carefully and took a small sip, making sure to not burn his mouth.

“Oh, fine, I guess. I mostly worked, came to villages like this one, scribbled on empty pages and hoped that it was something valuable. Until now it wasn’t really. You were ridiculously busy, weren’t you? There were barely any Twitter pictures and your schedule looked like someone tried to fight constipation by eating more meat.”

“Yeah- I kind of ditched everything and came here, telling my manager that I'll return tomorrow. He will kill me, and it'll be justified, but I was going crazy,” he whispered while looking to the side and feeling guilty as fuck.

“ _Que Será, Será_ ,” Hyungwon commented and smiled. “I doubt he will kill you. Sometimes it’s really important to just escape everything and come to a place like this. A place with nobody apart from people that live simple lives and have nature all around them. Sometimes I wish I could just jump on a plane and go to France.” There was a loud sigh as the blonde man crossed his arms on the table and placed his chin on top of them, still watching Hoseok. “Even when you are exhausted you look gorgeous, dear god.”

He wondered how a single monologue could make his emotions go from lack of understanding, to perfect understanding, to painful memories and finally make his face hot by embarrassing the hell out of him.

_You have to say something nice now, he complimented you back then too._

“Thank you, you- have nice eyes, it was really easy for me to find them in the crowd.”

At least he tried.

Hyungwon’s smile was really pretty as he hid it a tiny bit in his crossed arms and lowered his gaze, like he really felt flattered even though it was a very simple comment.

“Well, that was probably the glitter eyeshadow, but still- thank you,” he murmured and licked over his lips before meeting his eyes again. He looked strangely excited, like something wonderful had just happened.

“You're wrong, it wasn't about eyeshadow or whatever, it's what's behind the eyes, the inner world, something that opens if you are feeling powerful emotions. I could see it really well during a few songs. That's why I close my eyes so often on stage, because otherwise people can see.” Taking a sip of his coffee, he thought about things that could've made Hyungwon excited.

The blonde man pulled his chair a little closer and stretched his arms out, almost in front of Hoseok as he lay down on them, watching him from next to his cup.

“Why don’t you want them to see?” he asked carefully and sucked his plump bottom lip into his mouth.

“Because it's mine. I think it's scary. I already give a lot by singing those words and when I open my eyes and look into someone's eyes and- don't see the same inside them, I might want to stop singing. I'm not really a born entertainer, you know?” Hoseok didn't know why he suddenly started talking about his issues, but the blonde man seemed so interested.

_But they're all interested, why do you tell him?_

Maybe because he had the feeling that they shared a little bit, especially after the soundcheck and after he had cried when Hoseok sang Back To Black. He was sure that they must've felt the same back then.

“I think you are,” Hyungwon whispered quietly and didn’t move from his spot in front of Hoseok, still lying on the table and staring up at him with his big brown eyes. “I liked you from the moment I heard your first song, the one you randomly posted online that was picked up by a radio show later. I saw it on the day you posted it. I heard it and- it’s not about being an entertainer. I don’t really care if you go on shows and talk about your favorite color, but I do care when your lips part and you begin to sing. It makes me feel something, in a way nothing else does, Hoseok.”

Pushing the cup to the side, he stretched out his arms and lay down, staring at Hyungwon's face right next to his.

“If you have known my music for such a long time- why aren't you disappointed? I changed and my music changed. I haven’t been able to write a song for months because I can't seem to reach the surface to float.”

“I like the ‘you’ in your music and I change with it.” The blonde man had a soft smile as he nodded briefly and reached out to let the fingers of his left hand briefly dance over Hoseok’s forearm. “When you cannot reach the surface in your mind you need to let your body do it, Hoseok. You need to go somewhere else, see something else. Fill your mind with impressions and experiences that your head cannot create on its own. That is what I do.”

Ignoring the sudden hot sensation on his skin, he remembered that Hyungwon was writing.

“You write? What do you write?” Hoseok asked, keeping his gaze on the other man's handsome face. He must've been very popular, looking and dressing like this.

“Poems,” Hyungwon replied and chewed on his cheek, almost like he expected Hoseok to say something negative and was preparing himself for it. “I also dare say I am particularly good at reading them.”

“Really? Oh my god, I really like poems, my bookshelves are full of them. I also have a favorite poet, he has inspired me for as long as I have been writing my own lyrics, I'm really thankful. Do you mind sharing something?” Licking over his lips, he watched the other man intently.

“I- well.” Hyungwon seemed a little caught off guard, like he hadn’t expected Hoseok to immediately request to hear a poem. “For the record, if you don’t have Rilke at home, we cannot be friends,” he muttered and laughed loudly, the sound echoing off the walls as he chewed on his cheek in thought. “I might be able to read you something, but not my own. Maybe some other time.”

“I have Rilke at home, that means that we can be friends,” he commented, excited that he would be able to hear a poem.

_It would be the first time since a long time ago._

There was silence as Hyungwon slowly lifted himself from the table and closed his eyes, tongue slipping over his plump lips once as he placed his hands calmly on top of his own thighs. The blonde man inhaled once before he finally started speaking, voice low and steady.

  
“If you will, thrusting me beneath your clothing,  
Where I may feel the throbs of your heart or rest upon your hip,  
Carry me when you go forth over land or sea;  
For thus merely touching you is enough, is best,  
And thus touching you would I silently sleep and be carried eternally, [1]” he recited and kept his eyes shut for a few moments longer, small smile appearing on his lips until he finally opened his brown orbs and looked at Hoseok. “That was a piece by Walt Whitman.”

It was beautiful and his eyes closed, mind immediately providing the feeling and images shuffling in his head and making him gasp in the middle.

“Oh my god, that’s beautiful,” he whispered. “Do you have some of your own too? I want everything.” Hoseok couldn't help staring, overwhelmed that the person next to him was able to recreate such indescribable beauty just by reciting.

“Thank you,” Hyungwon spoke calmly and the bright smile returned to his lips, lifting his cheeks again as he drew undefined patterns on the table with his right index finger. “I do, but I don’t want to bore you, Hoseok. You are the one who basically wrote the soundtrack to my life.”

“Do you still think that? Even after meeting me? I mean, I'm so different from what I show. I'm not exciting and I'm not some kind of genius.” Lifting from the table, he let his chin rest on his palm as he kept looking at Hyungwon in awe. “The way you recited the poem though.”

“You don’t need to be a genius to make me feel something, Hoseok. To be honest, I like you more since I met you, much more. You’re human,” the blonde man replied quietly and reached out to curl his long fingers around his wrist. Hyungwon simply left them there, warming his skin. “I’ve seen enough celebrities to last me a lifetime, so it’s not about that. I like you for what is genuine, your words and your voice.”

It felt warm, really warm, the fingers around his wrist, but also the nice words. He was really thankful.

“Thank you. Thank you for liking what I like about myself,” he whispered, licking over his lips quickly. “But- am I not stealing your time? You must be busy too.”

“You could never,” Hyungwon replied with a grin and squeezed his wrist briefly. “Seriously though, I feel ridiculously happy just sitting here in the middle of nowhere in god-forsaken England in a limestone cave cafe on cheap garden chairs. There could be nothing better except if the sun was shining right through the cave entrance. But that will still take another 20 minutes which I doubt you have.”

“I have time until tomorrow.” He didn't know why he said that, but that was the time that he gave himself to get his shit together. “I have to be able to function by then.”

“I, of course, don’t know if you want to spend the time with me, but-” Hyungwon commented and gestured towards the entrance of the cave where a few rays of sunlight had begun to enter through the edge, illuminating some of the gorgeous limestone formations that broke the light beautifully. “You should stay for the sunset. It is one of the most breathtaking sights I have ever laid eyes upon.”

There were a few moments of silence until Hyungwon’s lips parted and he began to recite again, this time with his eyes opened.

 

“Slowly the west reaches for clothes of new colors  
which it passes to a row of ancient trees.  
You look, and soon these two worlds both leave you  
one part climbs toward heaven, one sinks to earth.” [2]  
  


 

The blonde man’s eyes turned into crescents and his thumb brushed over the pale skin of Hoseok’s wrist, moving to the right once before returning to its previous position. “It is Rilke’s depiction of the sunset.”

“I know,” he whispered, again overwhelmed by the onslaught of perceptions. There was the other man's low voice in combination with the beautiful lines of one of his favorite poets, there were the pictures in his mind and the incredible hotness of the other man's fingers around his wrist.

“I'm mesmerized by you when you deliver, your voice gives the lines something that completes them and makes the piece seem alive,” he murmured, staring into the big brown eyes. “Would you show me? The sunset?”

“I'd love to,” Hyungwon replied and pulled at his wrist to motivate him to stand up. “We have to sit more central so that you can see the way the sun rays enter the cave. You can see it set beautifully from here. I wish I could show you the sun melting into the sea, but this will have to do for now.”

The blonde man pulled him to a different table which he adjusted a little. The elderly woman next to the coffee machine didn't seem to mind, preoccupied with her book.

Hoseok let himself be dragged and dropped into one of the plastic chairs, looking in the direction of the entrance.

“It’s been years since I’ve watched a sunset,” he murmured, still feeling the hot fingers around his wrist.

“ _Très triste_. You should totally do it again, especially-” Hyungwon paused and smiled again, squeezing his hand once as he dropped into the chair next to him. “Especially if you want to stop drowning.”

“Why do you speak French all the time? I always have the feeling that you’re cursing at me, so that I don’t understand,” he murmured and pulled his hand away, crossing his arms in front of his chest and pouting a little. “And I’m not sure that watching the sunset will prevent me from drowning.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened comically and his lips parted in shock.

“Bloody hell, I'm sorry! It just happens automatically. My family likes to pretend that they are French, so there are a few words I have actually never heard in English. I learned them thoroughly when I started to enjoy poetry. I still keep inserting them, oh god. I'm so sorry! You know, it's like being in the middle of the desert and each French word is like a drop of water that my brain gives me to not overheat from all the crazy shit that's happening inside of it.” There were a few moments of quiet until the blonde man sighed in resignation. “Well, that probably made _a lot_ of sense.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about, but please continue,” Hoseok commented and smiled, realizing that he had overreacted, trying to overcompensate with a friendly expression on his face.

“Mom, I've seen an angel,” Hyungwon muttered suddenly and stared at his face. “Also, why would you want me to continue talking if it doesn't make sense to you? That's like reading poetry with metaphors that don't align, painful and probably boring.”

“I like your voice. It sounds like ocean waves.” He must have been nuts, talking bullshit all over the place. “Maybe I also need to rub my ass over something to regain sanity,” he muttered to himself, shaking his head furiously.

“Listen, my voice sounds like a screechy old man, so I have no idea what you might like about it, also it’s- wait- w- what?” Hoseok must have really said something to confuse Hyungwon in turn as the tall man stopped talking and stared at him, chewing on his bottom lip. “You- you want to rub your arse over something?”

“Well, my fans believe that it helps to get inspiration apparently. Rubbing their ass against my thighs.” Chuckling, he brushed his bangs back and let them fall back over his forehead. “Your voice is low and normally I really don’t like to listen to people speak, but somehow I don’t mind with you. And you talk a lot.”

“I sure do, ha ha,” Hyungwon replied and chuckled nervously. The other man was probably just as weirded out by the things his fans thought about as he was. “Being close to another person can be very inspiring though, especially when it's intense and very intimate. I wrote a lot of poetry in the embrace of another- person.”

“Really? It might sound weird to you, but I don’t get inspiration from being close to another person at all. Like- it doesn’t really inspire me and it also doesn’t occupy an important place in my life. It’s- hmm, I guess it’s just there, but it doesn’t mean anything. It could also not be there.” He felt strange saying it, as if there was something wrong with him. Most artists wrote music inspired by love or breakups, but he was just by himself, writing about the storm inside his head and the feeling of being under water most of the time.

“Then-” the blonde man began and pulled his chair a little closer, almost enough to let their knees touch. Hyungwon lifted his right index finger and poked Hoseok’s nose once, just like that. “Then it's probably the wrong kind of closeness. You need to find the right one,” he finished with a bright smile. There must have been a bit of tint on the other man's lips with how red they were.

_He moves so naturally and the way he touches people is also as if that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be._

“I once wrote a song after a breakup,” he said, watching Hyungwon’s face intently. “I always wondered how artists managed to write such devastating songs, so I tried writing one too. The weird thing about it was that I felt nothing after the actual breakup and the song ended up being a tribute to a very blurry teenage memory. That’s why I never released it.” Licking over his lips, he hummed the melody quietly, smiling to himself.

Hyungwon didn't say anything and merely listened while he hummed, rubbing along his thigh once with his big palm.

“Those can be very emotional because at that time in your life you still don't know much, only a thin branch in the making. Although I gotta say that you turned into one damn fine tree trunk! I also wrote many poems based on teenage memories. Some of them are short, but I still like them. They tell me a lot,” the blonde man eventually replied and seemed to remember his own work, corners of his lips lifting up a little. “If you felt nothing after a breakup, then there was nothing between you and that person to miss.”

“I’ll sing it to you and you tell me how it makes you feel, okay?” he asked, clearing his throat. “I’m interested in your opinion because I’ve never showed anybody. You can also tell me if this is what a breakup feels like. Because it’s not that I’m not experienced, but the way you said it, it would mean that I’ve never had anything to miss. Besides this one time.”

Hoseok shifted on his chair and tested his voice to sing quietly and to not disturb the woman’s reading.

He looked to the side, embarrassed because the lyrics were super short and not really what he usually pulled out of his fingers and head.

Instead of chuckling at the change of style, Hyungwon was perfectly quiet, one palm still resting on Hoseok’s thigh and the other curling into the muscles of his own. He wasn't really looking at Hoseok but rather glancing towards the entrance of the cave that was illuminated beautifully by the sun’s rays, colored in a bright yellow and golden glow. The light appeared as if it was created for the shade of Hyungwon's skin, equally golden and smooth. There was something shimmering a little on his cheeks, catching the light like small gemstones.

_Is he crying?_

“I- I’m sorry if I upset you,” he whispered, automatically reaching for the other man’s face, until he realized that people don’t just wipe tears from each other’s faces and pulled his hand back.

“You didn't, I'm-” Hyungwon chuckled and wiped over his cheeks. “I'm just soft. I relate quickly and end up bawling my eyes out. Your voice always does that. Thank God I'm not wearing makeup now. That'd be a disaster.” Laughing again, the blonde man covered his face with his big palm and took a few deep breaths before removing them and smiling brightly. “Look how beautiful it is!” he exclaimed and pointed at the entrance to the cave, perfectly illuminated by the last rays of sunshine.

He had to force himself to tear his gaze away from the wet trails on the other man’s golden skin and look out of the cave. It was really beautiful how the sun was covering everything in a layer of gold.

“I don’t think it’s something one should be ashamed off. I think that it’s beautiful if someone is able to feel so much. It’s worse if you can’t feel anything, then all the things around you turn grey and it’s always winter.” Hoseok tilted his head to the side and watched the light move away from him slowly.

“I prefer summer, it's when I'm the happiest,” Hyungwon whispered quietly, one palm returning to Hoseok’s thigh like it belonged there.

Something pulled at his insides, familiar feeling returning, just like something that he missed suddenly appeared only to be torn away from him.

“Do you prefer the nice or the painful memories, Hyungwon?” His eyes still followed the rays of sunshine, moving along the entrance of the cave.

“I write better with the painful ones, but I wish my life was mostly filled with nice ones,” the blonde man replied and let his fingers dance along the length of his thigh before pulling it back, warmth disappearing along with the tender touch. Hyungwon stood up

He missed it. It felt strange to long for something as simple as a touch, but he compensated by placing his own palm on the same spot. Unfortunately, it wasn’t comparable.

“I don’t know what I prefer. I just hope that the things I create make people happy, that’s basically it.”

“I feel the same, be it writing down my thoughts or giving others the experiences that I value a lot myself, like seeing you perform.” Rubbing over his own thighs once, Hyungwon took his wallet out of the back pocket of his tight jeans and placed a note in front of the elderly woman, gifting her a gorgeous smile. She huffed at the amount but accepted it, smiling back.

“Where do you want to go tonight, Hoseok? You sounded like you want to be as far away from your responsibilities as possible,” the blonde man commented once he reached the small table again, stuffing his wallet back into his back pocket.

“Don’t know. Sit in the dark and drink? But then I can’t go home because Kihyun will find me. Or someone else who knows where I live. I don’t want to see people.” He put his arms on top of the table and buried his face in them.

“Wow- _très triste_. Ehm-” Hyungwon stuttered in a mixture of English sounds and French and sat down next to him again. “What if- let's be very hypothetical about this- I had a house. And that house, well I'm not sure it can be defined as a house, not according to my mother if you ask her, but let's assume that it's there. Would you- still very hypothetical of course- like to come with me since nobody will find you there? The security is pretty neat too and I have a giant ass garden that nobody can look into because there are giant ass trees.” It almost looked like the other man was shaking as he talked, chewing on his cheek.

_A garden?_

“Can you see the moon from the hypothetical garden?” he asked, not interested in anything else.

“Of course, the view is clear,” the other man replied, visibly surprised that Hoseok was only interested in the moon.

He nodded into his arms and lifted his gaze again, watching the blonde man intently.

“Do you have something to drink too?”

“I have a whole damn minibar, Hoseok. Anything you want,” Hyungwon replied and laughed loudly, sound rich and echoing through the cave. The other man seemed really happy.

“Fine.”

He stood up and brushed invisible dust from his thighs, before pulling out a ten-pound bill and placing it on the table.

“Did you come here by car? The thing is, if I go by bike, people might recognize it. But I think I’ll still ride, otherwise you would have to drive me back here in the morning.”

_You sound as if you’d just stay there._

“Uh, I mean- not that I would just sleep over or something,” he muttered, shocked at his own words.

“You can totally sleep over though! I don't mind!” Hyungwon exclaimed quickly and waved with his hands. It looked really funny because of how tall and lanky he was. “I can also drive you in the morning, I don't mind. I love coming here! We can ask Becca to keep your motorcycle safe until tomorrow and I would have an hour before my daily routine to write a little.” The brown eyes were wide and focused on him as the blonde man stared and kept his hands in the air, like he paused in the middle of reciting something.

“I don't mind, there's enough space around here,” the elderly woman called Becca commented, making her way over to them and pushed the ten-pound note back towards him. “This tall, young man already paid for you, sunshine.”

“What? When?” Hyungwon must’ve been some kind of magical creature to pay his coffee without him noticing. He thought about whether it was a good idea to go to someone’s house without having his motorcycle around to run away if he needed to and whether it was okay to just randomly sleep over at some guy’s place he didn’t really know.

_What’s the alternative? Drinking alone in your studio? Can’t be more depressing, can it?_

“Fine, let’s go before my brain can provide reasons why it’s a bad idea,” he murmured and stood up, throwing his leather jacket over his shoulders and pointing at the helmet. “I’ll leave it here, okay?”

“Sure,” Becca murmured and clicked her tongue, pressing her lips together right after as he watched them. “Have a lovely evening you two and thank you for coming.”

Hyungwon looked a little embarrassed but ridiculously happy as he grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the cave.

“Reversed evolution, now I'm pulling somebody out of a cave instead of inside,” he remarked, laughing loudly until he suddenly stopped. “Unless my house is the cave. Which it isn't!”

“How old are you actually?” Hoseok chuckled at the randomness of Hyungwon’s talk.

“Twenty-five,” the blonde man replied. “The perfect age to adult but also not really while attempting to redefine what ‘adulting’ actually means.”

“You seem so young to me, maybe it’s the way you talk,” he whispered, letting himself be dragged out of the cave and walking next to the tall man towards the place where his car was supposed to be.

 _Since when are you opening up so easily?_  
  


[1] ‘Whoever You Are Holding Me Now In Hand’ by Walt Whitman

[2] ‘Sunset’ by Rainer Maria Rilke


	5. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With beautiful poems by C. Jarvers:  
> [FOLLOW HERE](https://twitter.com/CJarvers)  
>   
> Babe cave me in,  
> I won’t say it again,  
> I want you. 
> 
> Gallant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 9th of March at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

Hyungwon could barely breathe as he listened to the way his boots sounded on the dry forest ground, small sticks and branches twisting with each step.

The silver-haired man with the gorgeous blue color at the tips of his strands was walking next to him, keeping quiet and inhaling the fresh air of the forest. It was really nice, a mixture of fir trees and something sweet, probably a blooming fruit tree. It was peaceful and he still couldn't believe that his fingers were curled around Hoseok’s wrist and that the singer had agreed to come to his house. Hyungwon was a little terrified of fucking up.

_What if he'll be freaked out in the end? Will you drive him back?_

Probably, Hyungwon wasn't a creep that kept people at his place against their will, independent of how much he liked them. And damn, he liked Hoseok.

_He enjoys you reciting poems!_

Grinning at the thought, he tried to think of adjectives that described the man next to him. He wanted to write something that expressed the bubbly sensation in his chest and the excitement to show Hoseok his garden and how nice it was to sit there and stare up, talking about nothing and everything with a glass of wine. Or whatever Hoseok liked to drink.

_Your celebrity crush is spending time with you, Hyungwon. Oh god._

“Here we are,” Hyungwon commented finally when they left the forest and got to the small guesthouse where he parked his car. It was a little sad to not hear the pleasant crunching noise of their steps anymore. He pressed the button of his car key and watched the gorgeous vehicle light up. “Get in.”

“Ah, I thought of getting one of these, but bought my bike instead. For the same amount of money,” Hoseok commented and grinned brightly, opening the door and letting himself sink into the passenger seat. It was kinda nice to have somebody who didn’t have a mental breakdown because of how nice his car was.

“I don’t really know how much money that is, but your bike is also pretty neat, sexy I’d say,” Hyungwon commented and jumped in the driver’s seat, starting the motor and listening to the satisfying loud noise that was probably more for show than real necessity, but he liked it. He liked Hoseok on his bike even more though, sexy was an understatement. “Have you driven a car before?”

“Mhm, I have both licenses. But I definitely prefer the bike. It’s my sanity.” The silver-haired man smiled to himself and leaned back into the seat, spreading his legs. Hyungwon couldn’t help but take a glance at the way Hoseok’s thighs filled out his jeans. Damn, this was going to be a long evening.

“You are more flexible and can park anywhere. I have to squeeze through sometimes and find random, shady motels to park the car,” he replied and chuckled, remembering that one time he saw a couple make out on top of his car because they were both pissed and thought it was the perfect place to get it on. “But I love the car, it gives me the opportunity to leave London and find little gems in the countryside. It’ll be about forty minutes to my place. I hope that’s fine with you!”

“Sure, I might pass out on the way, my body feels like lead, just kick me as soon as we’re there if I fall asleep.” Hoseok closed his eyes and let out a sigh, hands settling on top of his thighs.

“I’ll kiss you awake like snow white, you’re pale enough,” he replied and giggled loudly.

_Smooth, don’t freak him out, Hyungwon._

The other man’s eyes looked like huge plates as he stared at him, mouth open.

“You- god, you really say whatever you want, don’t you?” Hoseok muttered and closed his eyes again, biting down on his red bottom lip.

“Yeah...kinda. You know, my mind has associations and if I don’t say them, they would sink in the depths of my subconscious and never see the light of day or at least a small notebook page where I could write them down. Inspiration comes randomly and you have to milk the cow, Hoseok!” Hyungwon gestured with his right hand while keeping the left one on the wheel and maneuvering through tiny village streets until they finally got to the highway. The air would deteriorate in a matter of seconds and Hyungwon was glad that it wasn’t as bad at home as it was at work.

“Do you mind?” he suddenly added and grinned, glancing towards Hoseok for a few seconds to establish eye contact before he returned his attention to the street. He really didn’t want to die by hitting a boar.

“I see you’re one of those people who sees a weakness and then grabs it with both hands, squeezing the living shit out of it. Like my red face?” Hoseok asked in reply, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

_Huh?_

Hyungwon quickly looked to the side again, trying to figure out whether Hoseok’s face was red. It kinda was, but there wasn’t enough time to look at it properly as he returned his attention to a car that cut him off rudely. It was a shitshow.

“To be honest, I didn’t even see your face was red. Do you hate blushing? Everybody does, Hoseok. It’s not a weakness, it’s human. I blush all the fucking time when you look at me, god.”

“That’s not true. Your skin is golden, so one doesn’t really see it. I just don’t like the way it feels when my face heats up. And you keep saying stuff. Sing me a good night song, so I can nap.” The silver-haired man leaned towards him and blew into his ear, before returning to his previous position.

_Fuck._

Hyungwon jerked involuntarily at the sensation and bit down on his bottom lip to not be too obvious. It must have been revenge. There was no other explanation for the sudden contact and the way the tips of his ears were turning red. It was a telltale sign and staring straight ahead made it rather difficult to hide. He was such a hoe for sudden touches.

_Just talk about something else._

“Ehm- my singing sucks, also- if you hate the way your face heats up, how do you jerk off? It’s a given!”

“Is there a topic you don’t talk about when you’re with random people you’ve met at a cave cafe?” Hoseok asked, burying his face in his palms.

“My mom?” Hyungwon asked back and laughed. “That’s usually a buzzkill.”

Hoseok was adorable when he reacted by blushing when confronted with something as simple as jerking off. He hadn’t even asked about his girlfriend or sexual preferences. There was nothing really heavy in his comments, but maybe he had been ruined by Minhyuk.

_He said he doesn’t care about being touched but has a girlfriend._

Hyungwon swallowed and kept himself from asking questions. It wasn’t really his business whether the silver-haired man next to him had a girlfriend that he apparently didn’t enjoy being touched by, at least not enough to be inspired.

_You’d do better._

“Shh, it’s okay, I’ll try to contain my sex talk,” he murmured and reached out to squeeze Hoseok’s thigh.

“I don’t really have time to jerk off,” Hoseok murmured through the spaces between his fingers, “Did you see my schedule?”

_What a sad life._

“Listen, there is no such thing as no time to jerk off. You shower- you jerk off, you go to bed- you jerk off, you read a goddamn book while sitting on the toilet- you jerk off. It’s not all that difficult,” he commented and laughed loudly, going a little over the limit to get home faster. He wanted to spend more time in the garden.

“What?” Hoseok removed his hand and stared at him with a deadpan expression on his face. “I shower to wash myself, when I go to bed, I can’t sleep so I stare at the ceiling and then I go write and I definitely don’t read on the toilet. Plus, do you- like- jerk off to Shakespeare? How weird is that?”

“You only need the right sonnet,” he replied and laughed loudly. It wasn’t quite true, he also rarely read on the toilet, but he knew enough people that did. Or at least said that they ‘read’. “Just kidding though, I rarely jerk off on the toilet, not really sexy if you know what I mean. But there are works that make me feel rather hot and bothered and if I read them before bed that definitely improves the quality of my sleep. You should try it sometime.”

_Are you giving your celebrity crush jerking off advice, Hyungwon?_

“Don’t think that’ll help. My mind is usually somewhere else.” The beautiful man reclined his seat and closed his eyes, licking over his pink lips briefly.

Hyungwon licked over his own lips and wished that he could close his eyes, but definitely not while driving, so he kept them wide opened before he started reciting.

 

“Even the hardest rock capitulates  
Assaulted by the softness of your waves  
And quick as centuries a cliff will tumble  
And where my heart of granite, it would crumble  
Before your kiss.  
 

But I am not of rock, my lips are sand  
These dunes of gentle slope will not withstand  
The floods in which your kisses for me rise  
Come, flood me, let your waters be my skies  
I long for this.”

 

“It’s beautiful,” Hoseok murmured, without opening his eyes.

Hyungwon blinked once and thought further, pulling the words that were always sleeping at the back of his mind to the surface.

 

“Do you mind the scent of burning skin?  
Then beware, for I will kiss you now  
And I hope that you will share your heat  
Lick my lips with flames, set me ablaze  
For I am cold 

Do you mind the salty taste of sea?  
Then beware, for I will kiss you now  
And I hope that you'll withstand my waves  
Like a cliff, but slowly you'll erode  
For I am bold

Do you mind the silence of my death?  
Then beware, for I will kiss you now  
And I hope you won't push me away  
Let me lose myself, become a shell  
For you to hold.”

 

He recited and shifted a little on his seat once he finished. It was difficult for him to give voice to his poems without feeling what he had wanted to get across back then. It was always connected to the words, like a memory could be located in a photograph or a scent.

“It sounds so sensual, I can imagine all of it. The way you put it, it reminds me of my favorite poet. I love it. So much.” Suddenly he felt Hoseok’s palm on top of his thigh for a few seconds before it disappeared again. It was a little too much combined with the words in his head and he gasped, eyes remaining focused on the road. He could almost imagine the Windows shut down noise as he lost himself.

“Would you sing for me?” he whispered.

There was no sound, only the noise of his tires on the highway, before the car was filled with Hoseok’s beautiful voice.

A few seconds passed again, before the silver-haired man turned a little more towards him.

“Oh baby, why don't we open up?” he whispered.

It felt crazy to have the sensual voice right next to his ear. The voice that pulled him out of his skin and allowed him to climb to the sky with each sung note, soaring above everything.

“You make me feel like flying,” he murmured and tried to suck air into his burning lungs, realizing that he had held his breath.

“You make me think that you know what I’m feeling when I sing.” Hoseok stared ahead, before closing his eyes again. “But feeling like flying is nice, I like the description.”

“Me too,” he whispered back and smiled. It was so nice, like the two of them were sharing something special, something that no one else had.

_He might remember you like this._

It was quiet and he could see the other man’s arms relax and his fingers stop holding onto his forearms tightly, simply laying on top of his thighs instead. The steady breathing showed him that Hoseok must’ve fallen asleep.

Still smiling, he hummed the melody of the song Hoseok had sung for him and drove through the night, listening to the soft breaths next to him.

He really wanted to keep this.

All too soon he entered the prestigious neighborhood of Kensington and recognized a few of the houses as he got closer to his home. He inhaled and smoothly drove into his garage, making sure to have enough space on both sides.

Turning to the other man, he could see the beautiful, pale face, turned towards him and relaxed. Hoseok must've been completely exhausted to sleep like a little baby.

It was adorable and Hyungwon made sure to be quiet as he opened the car door and climbed out before walking over to the other side. He opened the passenger door and undid the other man's seatbelt, stroking along his arm carefully.

“Hoseok?” he whispered quietly.

Nothing happened, besides the pretty sleepy face turning towards his voice and the other man pursed his lips a little. It was beautiful and Hyungwon really wanted to know what they tasted like, how it felt to have the curved corners grace his own. What it would feel like to brush his plump bottom lip over Hoseok’s.

_Get a grip._

“Hoseok?” he tried again and stroked over the other man's pale cheek, so tender to the touch.

There was a soft exhale as the sleeping man leaned into the caress, probably unconsciously and rubbed his face against his palm. It was really tempting.

_He has way too much muscle mass to carry him inside, Hyungwon._

That might have been true, but he couldn't just call Paul, the security guard that was in charge of his area, and ask him to carry a sleeping man into his house. That was plain weird.

_He'll probably think you kidnapped him._

Oh god. Suddenly, he really wanted to facepalm, staring at the tight jeans, stylish attire and the very recognizable hair.

_He’s motherfucking O-NO, Hyungwon. Of course, he’ll think you kidnapped him._

Sighing a little at his own stupidity, he decided to try after all. Arms were made to carry things and it was a nice excuse to reach under Hoseok’s legs and curl his fingers around the silver-haired man’s thighs. They felt really firm under his fingertips.

“Hoseok?” he tried once last time as he wrapped his left arm around the singer’s waist and attempted to lift him out of the car.

As soon as his fingers brushed Hoseok's sides, the other man jerked and opened his eyes, staring at his face in shock.

“What? What are you doing?”

“I-” _Way to explain yourself, Hyungwon._ “I was trying to lift you.”

“But- but why would you do that? I'm probably double your weight. You'll break your back, I told you to just kick me,” Hoseok murmured and moved his legs, realizing that Hyungwon had his arm around them. “Uhm, I can't move if you're holding onto my thighs.”

_He can’t move if you’re holding onto his thighs, Hyungwon._

He wanted to facepalm again, but chuckled instead, letting the gorgeous legs go in a smooth motion. He almost hit his head on the roof of the car in the process, but avoided it expertly. Someone must have really liked him to give him Lee Hoseok half asleep in his car and willing to come to his house.

“I tried to wake you, but when it didn’t work, I decided to try. You have really firm thighs, wow. I understand that people want to rub their arses over them.”

_You, you want to rub your arse over it._

“W-What? Don’t think I’m awake yet.” The silver-haired man stepped out of his car and looked around. “It's your garage?”

“Yeah, let’s go inside.” Hyungwon glanced around quickly to make sure there was nothing strange lying around, but it was only a garage. There was nothing apart from his winter tires and a bicycle he never used. He was kinda happy that Hoseok hadn’t asked him to elaborate on his unhealthy fascination with his thighs.

Making his way to the white door that led to the inside of his house, he was a little sad that Hoseok wouldn’t see it from the outside. It looked small and pretty, a little bit like it was in the middle of nowhere instead of central London. He preferred it that way.

“It’s nothing too special,” he began as Hoseok followed him and stepped through the door that opened into his spacious hallway, filled with old furniture that he inherited from god knows who and masses of photos on the walls. He liked his house to be personal and photos did exactly that. Sometimes it was also a poem or two that he had asked someone to write in calligraphy and hung up on his wall. He was most proud of his book collection and his merchandise room.

_Your merchandise room._

His eyes widened and he panicked, slipping right in front of the door that led to the source of major embarrassment and gestured at Hoseok to walk past. He began to undo his boots and placed them to the side as Hoseok followed along and arranged his own next to the door.

“You- you can take a look around if you like,” he muttered and laughed nervously. “There is a lot to see and you were particularly interested in the garden, right?”

“Yeah, is this the bathroom?” Hoseok asked and pushed the handle behind him, opening the door to something that he shouldn't have seen.

_Oh, holy mother of god._

“It’s-” Hyungwon began, but it was already too late. It was basically impossible to miss the gigantic, full size Hoseok poster he had on the opposite wall. The very first thing that one could see upon entering the room. “Something you should have probably not seen. Fuck.”

“Oh god, why is my face all over the place?” The artist looked shocked, simply staring at all the things he had collected throughout the years. There was a lot, every CD, be it an album or a single, that Hoseok had ever released. Hyungwon had collected every photo album in every available version and owned every piece of merchandise throughout the world tours Hoseok had done.

“Because it’s pretty,” he whispered in resignation and felt himself slip down the door frame a little bit. This was almost his worst nightmare. Now Hoseok only needed to decide that he was creepy and that he would never talk to him again, like ever.

But that didn't happen, instead the other man lifted his hands and squeezed his cheeks, staring at him in horror.

“But why did you spend all that money on my face?” Hoseok muttered, lips reminding him of a ribbon with how he squeezed them together.

“Cause...I like you?” Hyungwon asked back, not comprehending why Hoseok would be confused by all the things he accumulated. The other man must have been aware of his popularity.

“But- aren't you disappointed? I mean, I'm not like this.” Hoseok's pale hand pointed at a picture book on which he was smiling brightly from the cover, eyes shining. “Or- do you think that I am the accumulation of everything that you heard about me?”

Hyungwon thought about it. It was a difficult question. Of course, he didn't think that he knew the silver-haired man only because of the facts that he had learned from interviews or the gorgeous smiles that were plastered on his walls. It was much more complicated than that.

It was more like he received something, something precious from Hoseok’s voice and music and buying the things that he had accumulated over the years was one way to give back, to show how thankful he was and how much he cared.

_He gives you something invaluable and you try to give whatever you can in return._

“I don’t. I’m not disappointed and it is not about the bright smile on your face on a poster on my wall, Hoseok. It’s more like-” He inhaled sharply and tried to find the right words. He had never thought that he would have to explain his fascination to the artist himself instead of a fellow fan or a naive non-fan. “It’s like you give me something special, something that no one else does by singing and writing music, by performing for me and others and showing something that is on the inside. Collecting posters and every CD you have ever released and every item that your company produces is my desperate attempt to give something in return, to support you and show how much it matters. It’s my actions to compensate for something invaluable even though I can’t. To express my hope that you will never stop singing.”

“It's- it's as if you're trying to materialize something intangible. Does- it really mean so much to you? I mean, you're not the first person I've met who told me ‘I like your music’ but it's usually the ‘I don't skip your tracks in my playlist’ kind of liking. I assumed it was the same with you, but it's on a whole new level. I've never seen something like this before.” Hoseok let his hands fall to his sides and looked around.

_He thinks you’re crazy._

“I- I have no other way to show how much I care apart from commenting on your Twitter posts that you never look at and buying your stuff. I can cheer at your concerts but that is about it. I want to do more, but I can’t. You have no idea how much your music means to me, Hoseok. It’s the first thing that I think about when I wake up and what inspires me when I lie in bed and try to come up with words in my mind. You’re basically everything to me.” Chewing on his cheek he gave up and slipped down the door frame, stretching out his legs into the hallway and covering his face with his big palms. “You must think I’m crazy.”

“What? No! If someone is crazy between us two then it's definitely me,” the other man's low voice exclaimed. He must've thought that Hyungwon was crying, closing the distance and crouching next to him. The pale, warm fingers curled around his shoulder and he could feel Hoseok's warm arm brush against his own. If fearing that the other man thought he was crazy wasn’t reason enough to cry then this definitely was.

“It's- I don't know how to explain it, it's like- I'm no good, you know? I don't understand why people would like me so much and go to my concerts and buy my stuff and leave thirsty comments under my tweets, while giving me so much love. I'm not a special person, so I don't understand. The only thing I care about is my music and lyrics, so I'm trying to explain to myself that it's the reason for all this.”

“Let me try to explain,” Hyungwon began and removed his palms from his face. He placed his left hand on his own thigh while curling the right one around Hoseok’s thigh. It felt calming somehow, like it was okay to talk about the workings of his own mind and what made him like or dislike something. “You don’t only give people music, but you give them emotions, right? Your songs make people feel a certain way. Each of your songs has a particular emotion and possibly even a memory that I associate with it, something that instantly appears in the back of my head as soon as the song passes your curved lips. But this emotion is something personal, isn’t it? It’s an intimate feeling and therefore it seems like I am intimate with you too, I share something with you even though I have never seen you before. Well- I kinda have, but let’s assume I am another fan of your works that hasn’t. I feel this emotion, feel close to you and then there are all these bits of information that are thrown at me as a fan, information that makes me feel like I know you even more. It seems like you are even a friend of mine, someone who understands my emotions and shares them in his songs and talks to me over social media, telling me that he misses me, likes me and cares about me. It feels amazing to be appreciated like that, so I want to give back, to give the person that cares so much about me something in return, be it attention, money or thirst tweets. Now- let’s talk about tweets. If you are somebody who lacks affection in their daily life, someone who mostly gets it from music and then there is someone like you who tells them that he misses them, don’t you think they could fall in love? To feel like they are meant to be with someone like you? That’s where teenage love comes from, the sensation that you are the one for them. Thirst tweets on the other hand- well. You’re hot.”

_Thank him for coming to your fucking Ted Talk on your obsession._

Hoseok looked adorable, blinking with his round brown eyes and watching him with his mouth parted.

“This is so complicated,” the beautiful man murmured and brushed his hair back, looking to the side. “I have the feeling that I fool people into affection. I do love them, I really love my fans and I’m the most thankful, because it’s the only reason that I can make music, it makes me who I am. But it’s more- a very abstract love? But seeing you here- on the floor in this room full of things, posters and CDs, it suddenly has a face. One with big eyes and huge lips,” Hoseok whispered.

“Is that your way of saying you think I look like the homunculus man?” Hyungwon asked and blinked a few times himself, struggling to understand what Hoseok was trying to tell him. Did he think he was ugly? Oh god, he probably should have used BB cream or something. Fuck, and he had cried too. “Does it scare you to see how much I care?”

“Homunculus? What? What are you talking about? And- no, I’m not scared, just overwhelmed by the realization that my love has a face too.” Hoseok sat down and crossed his legs, staring at his face intently. Suddenly the other man stretched out his index finger and poked his bottom lip as his eyes widened. “It’s like a pillow.”

_He thinks your lips are like a pillow and said that his love has a fucking face._

_Your face._

_Don’t melt into a puddle of goo._

_Don’t fucking do it._

Suddenly Hyungwon burst into laughter, he couldn't help it, barely able to keep himself in place as he let go of Hoseok’s thigh and wrapped his arms around his middle. He was verging on hysteria.

“What? I don’t even know what you are saying at this point,” he forced out when he finally calmed down a little to be able to breathe properly. Hoseok was giving him a pulse of 150 with his talk about love. “I am your love?”

“Why do you always have to ask embarrassing things?” the other man whined and slapped his shoulder. “Whatever you think, you wanted to give me the moon and something to drink.”

Chewing on his cheek Hyungwon nodded, reluctant to stand up. He liked how close they were, how Hoseok’s muscular legs weren’t too far away from his own and how he could have touched them if he only stretched out his hand. He could have even ‘rubbed his arse over them’ if he really wanted to and if there was no such thing as consent. Damn.

“Do you- like how soft my lips are?” he asked instead of listening to Hoseok’s request and moved a little closer, almost letting their thighs touch as he leaned in front of the silver-haired man’s face and pointed at his mouth with one long, stretched-out index finger.

Hoseok's gaze immediately travelled to his mouth, and he stared as Hyungwon watched the other man's pink tongue lick over his curved lips. Suddenly the round eyes widened and soft peach color spread over the other man's cheeks.

“I- why would you-” Hoseok muttered and looked away.

_You are making him shy again._

“Is it weird to you? I don’t think it is.” Hyungwon smiled and placed his palm on Hoseok’s thigh, enjoying how it felt under his fingertips, just as firm as when he had attempted to lift the silver-haired man out of his car. “Your lips also look soft. I really like the corners of your mouth, they seem to be drawn with a paintbrush, much like the curve of your upper lip.”

“Really? I think I look like a clown.” Hoseok stared at the spot where Hyungwon's hand curled around his thigh before looking up. “But they're not as soft as yours.”

Lee Hoseok had probably never seen a clown in his life.

“This is unfair though, I have no experience to be able to tell whether mine are softer,” he murmured with a small smile and pressed his index finger against his own bottom lip, feeling how it gave in to the touch. “I only know how my own feel.”

_You are fucking sneaky, Hyungwon._

He probably should have been ashamed but he wasn’t, instead he just wanted to touch Hoseok’s lips. A lot and preferably with his own. But alas, _c’est la vie_.

Hoseok nodded and leaned forward, grabbing his hand and pulling it against his lips.

“See?” he muttered, staring into Hyungwon's eyes.

He had probably never regretted doing something as quickly as at that instant as he bit down on his own bottom lip and barely contained the wish to press his own lips against the other man’s warm, gorgeously curved ones. Hoseok was wrong about the softness of his lips. Maybe they weren’t as plump, but that wasn’t even the whole point. The point was how easily the silver-haired man moved them, expressing everything with his lips alone.

_Oh god._

A poem came to his mind instead of a reply. It was one he had written for the person in front of him, something private he hadn't shared before. Keeping his fingers in place, he closed his eyes and swallowed once.  


“Your lips are soft as feathers as they dance  
On mine. They tickle but they hardly touch.  
I rise to meet them, but they float away  
As though my breath was heavier than they. 

Or did I just imagine this? Your kiss  
Was light as fancy - did I only dream?  
Your smile says something else but doubts remain.  
I have to know. Come, let me try again.”  
 

He opened his eyes and continued to abuse his bottom lip, fighting with himself.

_Don’t ruin everything because your inhibition sucks. He came to your house, without his bike and only wanted to see the moon and have something to drink. You can’t just kiss him, Hyungwon._

“Is that what it feels like?” Hoseok asked, barely audibly, moving his lips against his fingers.

He nodded instead of replying and swallowed deeply. A few moments passed in silence as he tried to stop thinking about the fact that he was touching Lee Hoseok’s beautiful lips, having the sensation right against his fingertips.

_This is surreal._

“Makes me want to kiss them,” he whispered eventually and finally broke the eye contact, staring at the ceiling instead. Suddenly he was grateful that he hadn’t attached any posters to the ceiling and was thereby able to think about something that was not the gorgeous man who’s lips he was touching.

“Your poem,” Hoseok started, before removing his hand from his soft lips. “It makes me want to kiss them too.” The other man stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him up from the floor. “The moon and the drink, remember? This room is fucking with my sanity.”

_It’s also fucking with yours._

“Y-yeah, sure,” he replied quietly and tried to imagine hitting himself on the head with a pan for his own stupidity. It helped a little.

“I have a lot of stuff! You can choose something from the minibar and then we can sit down on the swing in the garden, or on the grass, or on a chair close to the terrace or whatever the fuck you want, Hoseok.” Running along the hallway, he slid with his socks over the nice parquet floors and stopped right at the doorframe of the living room where he had the minibar. “Just take a look and choose what you like.”

“Sounds weird, but do you have beer?” the silver-haired man asked shyly, before walking towards the bar Hyungwon pointed at. After rummaging through the various bottles, he turned around holding a can and smiling like a fucking sun.

“Manchester beer, really?” Hyungwon asked and couldn’t believe that a famous artist would really prefer that brand. Usually he only had a few types of German and Dutch beer. To be honest, he didn’t even know why he always ordered that particular Manchester brand, he hadn’t even been there before. Maybe because it made him nostalgic as it was the first beer he had ever tried.

_Back then, in France._

“It tastes like home.” Hoseok opened the can and took a sip, hissing at the taste. “And now grab a drink and show me the moon before I walk into another room that will give me a heart attack. Oh and- the bathroom?”

Hyungwon quickly thought about whether there were any other scary rooms, but his toys weren't visible and there were only a few types of lube in the bathroom, nothing major.

“Sure, let me show you!” he exclaimed and turned right back around, still standing in the door frame of the living room. He was really happy about the size of his house even if his mom always complained about reduction of living standard and how that was related to unhappiness or something. He walked a few steps and opened the door to his big bathroom, covered in black tiles that glittered a little and looked like the night sky. He loved it. “I'll get a drink in the meantime,” he commented and walked back to the minibar, looking for his favorite wine. There should be some left as he had drunk a glass not too long ago.

It felt surreal to be standing around in his own house knowing that the person he admired most in the world was in one of his rooms, willing to spend time with him and talk openly.

_Almost like friends._

Friends? That was cool, he could totally be friends without developing uncomfortable crushes on straight people.

Straight celebrities.

_T’invente pas une vie, Hyungwon._

***

 

He must have lost his mind, ditching his schedules and coming to the house of a person he had only met three times. A person who seemed to love his artistry and his face, judging by the number of posters and photo books he owned.

_And he has really soft lips._

He had almost slapped himself, there was really no reason for him to think about Hyungwon's body parts.

_But his poem, Hoseok. His poem._

If there was something, he had a weak spot for, then it was beautifully written poetry. It only got worse if the mesmerizing lines were recited by the other man's low voice. It was strange, but true nevertheless.

_Just hope that he won't read more poems._

He felt strange, normally he didn't really like people. It was hard to open up and he talked so much about his desire to feel close to someone in his songs. He had read that his fans thought he had nailed his relationships, but there was nothing to nail, as he was a fucking loner.

Hyungwon had explained it to him. The admiration and emotional connection, but no matter what, it seemed a little delusional. The feelings the blonde man had described, Hoseok didn't deserve them, there was no interaction, he didn't do anything to be worthy of all the affection.

_It's just something that he imagined over the years. He will be really disappointed if he gets to know you better._

It made him sad because somehow- he really liked spending time with the tall blonde man, even though his boldness made him blush on a regular basis. Still, he felt safe for some reason.

He stared at the lube bottles for a few seconds, shaking his head and slapping his cheeks to not look like a tomato when he came out of the bathroom.

_You will look like a tomato if you slap your cheeks, you idiot._

Sighing, he gave up on appearing normal and left the room, searching for Hyungwon and finding the blonde man in the living room, sipping on a glass of wine.

“You look sophisticated,” he murmured and grabbed his beer, taking a big gulp.

“And you look like you jerked off in my bathroom,” Hyungwon replied with a lifted eyebrow and giggled, swirling the wine in his glass with a smooth motion of his wrist. “Are you ready for the garden?”

Of course, he choked on his beer, turning away from the bold guy, not willing to show him his even redder face.

“I didn't! But you obviously do,” he pressed out and gasped for air.

“That's- for the shower, just for the record, but I actually don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I wanted to have you relax and unwind from the schedules of hell that constantly haunt you. Come on.” Hyungwon sounded cheerful as he grabbed his forearm and pulled him along to another room that must have been for reading. The walls were completely covered by bookshelves filled with books and one wall was made of glass, showing the path to the garden. It was pretty spacious with various bushes and flowers. A telescope stood at the side, right next to a swing for two people. A table with four chairs was located closer to the entrance.

“A few things are blooming, so it's really pretty. What do you prefer, swing, grass or chair?” Hyungwon asked and gestured broadly at the various possibilities. The blonde man must have really liked his wine with how often he inhaled its scent.

“If I say swing, I'll get an innuendo, so grass it is,” he murmured and lay down on the lawn, not giving a shit about anything. Looking up, he could see the moon clearly. It was beautiful.

“What innuendo? Now I'm really disappointed in myself,” the blonde man murmured with a pout but sat down next to him on the grass, looking up at the sky. “I like the swing, it reminds me of going on holiday with my family when I was still in school. That's why I have it. I get attached easily.” Shrugging with his shoulders, Hyungwon chewed on his cheek.

“I don't, because it's hard for me. Relationships are,” he whispered, staring at the moon without blinking. It was gorgeous and made him feel small.

“Same, but I still get attached, like an idiot,” the other man replied and sighed loudly. Hyungwon lifted his glass of wine to his lips and took a big sip, sighing again. “I'm so fucking stupid, god.”

“You don't seem stupid to me. Optimistic and carefree maybe, but definitely not stupid.” Hoseok turned to the other man, surprised by the sudden negativity.

“Thank you for saying that. Sometimes I get thrown off my happy track of confident steps and bright hair, you know? It's a little hard to get back on once you fall to the bushes at the side.” Hyungwon met his gaze and smiled suddenly, long fingers of his right hand playing with the stalks of grass.

“You know what comes to mind while looking at you like this?” the blonde man asked and continued watching him as something in his body language became calmer and he spoke more carefully, but was just as emotional.

Hyungwon read his own lyrics to him like a poem, still smiling at him but differently.

“It's an extremely dark song. Also a memory,” he whispered.

“Doesn't matter to us, doesn't matter,” he sang, remembering the devastating feeling he experienced while writing those words.

“I've been listening to it a lot over the past month,” the blonde man replied and Hoseok watched as he rubbed over his own thigh with his right hand, as if he attempted to get rid of an uncomfortable feeling. “It's so different once you sing it, as if your voice gives it life, breathes a soul into it.”

“It's different when you're here to listen to it. I usually just sing it into the void.” Sighing, he sat up and drank the rest of his beer.

“Then why don't you sing now, while I'm here to listen?” A warm palm appeared on his thigh, stroking along it carefully as the blonde man smiled at him, cheeks lifting up again.

“I’ll sing for you and you tell me why you think you’re stupid, okay? But give me a few moments I need to prepare a special performance, something you haven’t heard yet. Something that is appropriate for here and now.” He closed his eyes and let the sensations sink in, finding him in his deep cave underwater. There was the fresh air, light susurration of the trees as the spring breeze ruffled up their leaves, a bird singing prettily somewhere behind him, the hot fingers against his thigh spreading warmth through the fabric of his jeans. The impressions turned into words, slowly restructuring into a sentence, then in two, then changing positions and laughing at him, before it finally resembled something he could sing.

_He’ll probably laugh at you, but oh well. He has to see the reality eventually._

“You got me feeling like

You get me lifted like,” he started playfully before closing his eyes and pulling his falsetto, careful to remain quiet and not scare the neighbors, if Hyungwon had any.

 

“These flies on my window are winners in a losing game  
Dip, duck, roll, and hover  
They barely see a season change-  
While you and me live like birds on a power line  
Hands gripping, and our fingers fried  
God bless those Northern lights  
And our own devices, babe  
Entropy multiplies  
Clock's ticking and I'm mortified  
'Cause in the back of my mind  
In the back of my hemisphere,” he breathed out and turned to the blonde man, staring into his huge brown eyes while his lips moved through the possible chorus.

 

“Babe, I want you to cave me in  
So maybe I won't have to admit it  
Babe, I want you to cave me in  
So maybe I won't ask to forget it,[1]” he finished, smiling and biting down on his lower lip from the disastrous embarrassment.

Hyungwon was staring at him with wide eyes and parted lips, hand remaining curled around his thigh and applying a little pleasure. A few moments passed until the blonde man suddenly licked over his plump bottom lip and sucked it into his mouth, watching him intently.

“Did you- did you just make that up on the spot? For- for me?”

_See? You shouldn’t disappoint people, he’s still someone who loves your music, Hoseok._

“God, I’m sorry, just forget that it happened, okay? Just listen to the stuff I released,” he murmured, sucking in a breath.

“Shut up,” Hyungwon suddenly hissed and grabbed his shoulders with both hands, knocking over his wine glass like it was meaningless. It took barely a second until he felt weight on his lap and Hyungwon cupped his face with both of his palms, staring at him intently. “It was beautiful, Hoseok, fucking beautiful. It drives me mad and you didn't even have background music, only your own voice. I can't believe you could describe the situation like that, putting my thoughts into words whereas I need days to do that. Fuck, there's nothing that I'd love more than to cave you in.”

The air got stuck in his lungs as he felt his hands shiver a little at the proximity. Processing the other man’s reply, Hoseok stared at his red mouth and remembered the poem from before.

“That’s not true, ‘your lips are like feathers parted by words’” he murmured, having difficulty breathing with this heartbeat hammering in his ears. “You create real beauty, I just- I just described what I felt.”

“And I can't do that. How can you think that nothing happens when you say these words, sing them for me to hear while meaning so much more than you would say? I- fuck.” The blonde man chewed on his bottom lip and Hoseok could see his gaze drop from his eyes to his lips and back up while the other man's palms remained hot on his cheeks.

“I- it’s because I suck at talking. I can’t find the right words to say. I thought you would be really disappointed.” He didn’t know what to do with his hands, as he simply lifted them but had no place to put them. Everything was occupied by the man on his lap.

“Why would I be disappointed if you make me feel like soaring, Hoseok? Your words make me feel like every surface is like a thin glass, breakable and not an obstacle. I just want to be close,” Hyungwon replied and stroked along his jaw and neck with both of his thumbs, carefully, like he followed a path that was invisible to Hoseok. “You seem so unreal to me, even though I speak and talk to you.”

_Because you are different from your image._

“Because you imagined me to be a different kind of person? I get that a lot, that I’m less fun when people meet me in real life. It’s fine, I’m not mad, I know it myself. Just don’t get disappointed in my music, I’ll do my best, I swear,” he murmured in between the harsh breaths that left his mouth at the feeling of hot fingers against his skin. It reminded him of a flame, moving down his neck carefully.

“You are oh so wrong,” Hyungwon whispered and Hoseok could feel the blonde man’s arms slowly slide along his shoulders, reducing the distance between their faces until there were only a few centimeters, no more. “I like _you_ more than the image you show of yourself, because I knew that it wasn’t real. What you showed of yourself apart from your music was physical, plain attractiveness that a lot of people can possess. But like this-” There was a sharp exhale against his lips, hot air that caressed over his curved mouth. “There is so much more than that. You’re human and I’m afraid of liking the human Lee Hoseok too much.”

_But why would he like you?_

“But- I didn’t even write you, even though I promised. I’m- I don’t know why I’m trying to persuade you that I’m no good. Maybe because I’m afraid that you’ll get disappointed later. It’s always better to speed up the pain.” He swallowed and shivered under the tender touch. It felt like a dream because he reacted so strongly. He never did.

“I knew you were busy and there was that whole story with the stalker girl. I’m no teenager that stares at his phone, Hoseok, I know you have a life and so do I. Of course, I was a little disappointed but I thought that I was too unrealistic with my hopes anyway.” The blonde man let out a low chuckle and buried his face in the crook of his neck, inhaling sharply and remaining impossibly close. “If you- don’t even try to get close, how can you say you are no good at relationships? It seems like you don’t even try.”

Sucking in a deep breath, he felt his hands getting tired and placed them on top of Hyungwon’s thighs before speaking. The embrace felt like a hellfire burning him alive and he didn’t know how to deal with it apart from trying to get as much air as possible.

_Don’t hyperventilate._

“I- I try, I just don’t feel anything. There’s nothing, do you understand? It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter to us. To me and my fucked-up brain.”

It was quiet as sharp exhales kept brushing over the skin of his neck until Hyungwon finally lifted his blonde head and met his gaze again, eyes big and chestnut brown.

“And now?” the low voice asked, barely more than a whisper.

_Fuck._

He felt as if he was going crazy, his body was going crazy and his mind was going crazy, he didn’t even know what the fuck he was doing.

“I think my sanity is slipping away,” he whispered, unable to tear away his gaze from the big eyes.

“So- does that mean there… is something?” the blonde man asked and swallowed, shifting a little closer as his lips only became fuller and his eyes bigger in Hoseok’s sight.  
“I- I don’t know, how does something feel?” He swallowed loudly, licking over his lips and feeling them become instantly dry again.

His heart started beating in an unhealthy rhythm as the pictures immediately materialized in front of his inner eye and his fingers tightened around Hyungwon’s thighs. His breath got stuck somewhere in the middle of inhaling and he stared at the blonde man’s expressive face. There was a longing, suddenly, out of nowhere, pulling at his insides and making him dizzy.

“I want you to cave me in,” he whispered.

Hyungwon's lips parted a little further and he inhaled sharply, the sound intensified at their close proximity. Slowly, he began to bridge the distance, the movement hesitant and the weight on Hoseok's shoulders increased as the blonde man leaned in closer.

_Later, he can be disappointed later._

He wasn’t getting enough oxygen, even though he was inhaling properly. Licking over his lips, he closed his eyes and leaned forward, feeling the softness of the other man’s lips envelop his own, drowning him in a cloud-like feeling as he exhaled through his nose. It was scary, he was afraid of the intensity, but he also didn’t want it to stop.

Hyungwon wrapped his arms around his neck instead of keeping them loose on his shoulders and he felt the long fingers sink in between the strands of his hair, tugging lightly. The blonde man exhaled through his nose and Hoseok could feel it tickle his face as plump lips moved against his, soft but perfectly aware of their goal, of where they were going as a tongue licked over his bottom lip carefully. He gasped, immediately parting his lips and sucking on the plump upper lip. Hoseok’s hands travelled over the other man’s firm thighs before curling around his slim waist and finally settling on his lower back.

Hyungwon parted his lips and gasped right into his mouth, pulling his slim body further against Hoseok’s chest. It was crazy how hot it suddenly became through the connection of their bodies. It was perfectly quiet apart from the sounds of their lips moving against each other and the rustling of fabric when the blonde man moved even closer on his lap and licked into his mouth, tasting him.

_You’re insane. This is insane._

He knew, he really did, but he still had no intentions of stopping. His whole body was on fire while his mind seemed to sink into a volcano instead of resting somewhere underwater, as it always did. He needed more, to feel more of the flames and the burning thoughts that passed through his head.

His hands travelled along Hyungwon’s sides, stroking over his chest before he cupped the other man’s small face with both palms and tilted his head, licking into his mouth hungrily.

There was a low whimper as the warm thighs on top of him narrowed and squeezed his own while the tugs on his hair increased in frequency, integrated with the depth of the kisses. Hyungwon seemed just as desperate as he was, meeting his tongue and tasting it repeatedly, accompanied by soft gasps. It was gorgeous, fucking gorgeous, he wanted to hear it all the time, to make it his ringtone, to only listen to the low whimpers and beautiful gasps. He couldn’t have been drunk, but he sure as hell felt like it.

“I feel like I’m flying,” he whispered, before he sucked Hyungwon’s bottom lip into his mouth, playing with it and finally letting go to meet the other man’s tongue.

“Welcome to my life,” was the low reply as the blonde man rolled his hips on top of his lap, creating friction that hit him like a train wreck. The sound that escaped his lips was a low moan he didn't expect. Not at all, but his hands roamed over Hyungwon’s shoulders and neck, trying to remember the experience to write it down later, to put everything to paper.

“Shit,” Hyungwon cursed and pulled at his hair in order to tilt his head a little, perfect for the other man to deepen their kiss again. “I have never made out in my garden and you’re famous too and fuck-” Slim hips rolled into his own again as Hyungwon moaned into his mouth.

“Your sounds are better than music,” Hoseok murmured, leaning in and sucking on the skin of the other man’s neck. He smelled so good, like lilies or something equally fragrant. “Please stop me,” he whispered, pulling the gorgeous man closer and exhaling against his lips.

“Why?” was the playful question as a small smile pulled at Hyungwon’s plump lips and their gazes met. Long fingers continued to rake through his hair and pull him closer, stroking over the skin of his neck.

“Because I don’t want to,” he replied, leaning forward and kissing the blonde man’s red, swollen lips, while his hands kept tracing the outlines of his lean body.

“Then don’t,” Hyungwon replied and broke the kiss. The blonde man’s long fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt at his collar as he simply let himself fall back to the grass, pulling Hoseok after and over himself.

“This is not based on proper logical thinking, it just is,” he whispered, staring at the gorgeous face under him, golden skin framed by platinum blonde hair that was surrounded by dark green grass, red lips prominent, just like the huge brown eyes, dark and familiar.

_Why are they suddenly familiar?_

Maybe because he had looked at them so many times. It didn’t matter, he felt pulled, without any physical action, as if Hyungwon was a magnet and he was a stupid safety pin, lying around somewhere. Licking over his lips, he leaned down, propping himself up on both hands that he placed next to Hyungwon’s head. He kept his eyes open as he used his tongue to trace the form of the other man’s lips, before licking into his hot mouth.

Hyungwon moaned again and wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling him closer and further on top of himself as he returned the kiss eagerly, playing with his tongue and slipping one of his long legs in between his, rubbing along his thigh. He hissed, keeping his lower body in the air. He was going nuts already, he didn’t need an additional factor bothering him.

Hyungwon seemed to accept that as the sensation disappeared and was replaced by fingers that roamed over his back and scratched along his shoulders lightly, pulling his hair at the same time as the gorgeous blonde man kept whimpering for more.

“Fuck, you’re intense,” Hoseok murmured, licking over the other man’s golden neck and sucking in his delicious scent. He caught himself wanting to see more skin, but shook his head to clear the thought, kissing along Hyungwon’s gorgeous collarbones.

“You’ve seen nothing yet,” was the reply as Hyungwon whimpered again and huffed in frustration, pulling his hair until he was low enough to allow the blonde man to kiss along his neck and sink his teeth into the transition to his shoulder.

He moaned, way too loudly, low and clear. It felt like the ocean waves were crashing down on him, and he tried to escape in vain.

“Shit,” he hissed, exhaling against Hyungwon’s shoulder roughly.

“You’re fucking me up,” the other man hissed back and threw his head onto the grass, exposing his gorgeous, golden neck as he pulled Hoseok along, rubbing over his thigh with his jeans-clad leg again. “I had more control the other way around, fuck.”

“You like control? I have no fucking idea what I’m doing,” he replied, leaning in and nibbling from the other man’s exposed shoulder to his earlobe, rough exhales giving away his condition immediately, but he couldn’t care less.

Hyungwon whimpered again and threw his head to the side to give Hoseok more space for his ministrations. Hands sunk into the fabric of his jeans and attempted to pull his hips down, to let their groins meet.

“I came here to get my shit together, but I completely lost it instead.” His body was shaking and his pants became so tight between his legs. Hyungwon’s pulls didn't make it easier as he gave in after a few seconds, sinking down on top of the other man’s body.

There was a gorgeous moan as hands pressed him further down against the beautiful man under him.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon gasped and blinked a few times, meeting his gaze and clashing their lips together right after. The other man quickly lifted his right leg and applied pressure on Hoseok’s hips to slide him along it, increasing the friction against his groin instantly.

“Listen, I don’t have clothes here, it’s- oh god, don’t,” he whispered, after moaning and trying to lift his hips back against his bodily wishes.

“Is your endurance that bad?” Hyungwon teased and licked a line from his jaw to his collarbones as he repeated the motion, watching him intently. “You’re beautiful, Hoseok.”

He let out another low moan, before he let himself roll to the side, looking at the moon and breathing heavily.

“It’s not that it’s bad. I- you like my music and I came to your house but- god. I’m fucking insane.”

He could feel Hyungwon’s eyes on his face as the other man turned to the side and let his fingers dance along his thigh without really touching him.

“Me too. You’re famous and should only be kissing people behind closed doors with covered windows and camera frequency jammers or something. I can’t believe I made out with you in my garden. Fuck-” There was a hiss as Hyungwon covered his face with his palms. “I want to continue. Shit.”

He couldn’t believe that Hyungwon was talking about closed doors and frequency jammers while he was dying inside, trying to get his insane arousal under control and to keep his fucking hands to himself, instead of curling them into Hyungwon’s blonde hair or roaming along his clothed body.

_At least clothed, Hoseok. Congratulations._

It was something different for him. Hyungwon was someone who sincerely liked his music and his voice, someone who wrote beautiful poems and shared them with him. And he used his affection to make out with him because he was overwhelmed by the intensity of his feelings as soon as he was next to the handsome man.

_But you also want to continue._

“I need another beer, fuck,” he whispered and jumped up in a smooth movement, walking into the house and desperately searching for the living room. His pants were too fucking tight, shit.

He could hear steps behind him as hands curled around his shoulders and steered him around the corner, into the living room.

“I can’t believe I watered the grass with my favorite wine,” Hyungwon murmured and placed his wine glass on the mini bar, pulling out a wine bottle and another can of beer, which he handed to Hoseok. “You, okay? Apart from the- usual I mean.”

“Do I look okay to you?” he asked, pointing at his probably pink face as he felt the heat throbbing in his cheeks. Chewing on his lips, he opened the can and drank half of it in one go.

“You look stunning if that’s what you mean,” the blonde man remarked and chewed on his cheek before pulling his slim body on top of the bar counter. It was easy to see how tight his jeans were around the groin, outline clear as day.

He felt a pulling in his middle and looked to the ceiling, trying not to stare between the other man’s legs. Shaking his head, he closed his eyes for a few seconds as the words of the newly made song played in his head and he hummed the melody absentmindedly.

“You should keep it. The song is beautiful,” Hyungwon whispered and he could hear liquid flowing into a glass, probably the red wine that the blonde man was pouring in for himself.

He kept his eyes closed and sang the other few lines that he kept from the blonde man.

 

“Gravity makes wonders  
But on us it doesn't seem to weigh  
Float like clouds on water  
We're waves across an open plain. 

Babe cave me in,  
I won’t say it again,  
I want you.  
I want it,  
I do,[2]” he sang, smiling to himself. He felt the melody and the lyrics so much and it seemed right. The song did. He opened his eyes and took another sip of his beer.

There was a smile on the blonde man’s lips as he licked over his lips and straightened his back.

 “Your eyes tell me that there is much more than I can see and I cannot help but yearn to touch you, Hoseok,” he spoke calmly and brushed through his blonde hair.

“You’re making me go crazy,” Hoseok whispered, simply sitting down on the parquet floor and crossing his legs. He stared up at the beautiful, blonde man who sat on the counter and bit down on his lip. He felt so incredibly confused. His body and mind were longing to be close, to embrace the dazzling person, to taste his lips and his skin, but it wasn’t something he was supposed to do or was used to. He had no idea and no experience to guide him through this. Kihyun had told him to never say anything to people he didn’t trust 100 percent, but there he was, making out with a fan of his and telling him every possible fact about himself including that he wasn’t any good.

“And you inspire me to finally finish the poem,” Hyungwon replied and spread his legs a little, placing his palm in between them and leaning forward to meet Hoseok’s gaze properly, eyes almost black.

“You promised to tell me why you think that you’re stupid.” Hoseok remembered and clutched onto it like his last salvation.

“I-” There was some hesitation in Hyungwon’s eyes as the intensity in his gaze faded and he avoided eye contact, shifting uncomfortably on top on the counter and chewing on his cheek. “Because- well- I get attached and end up hurt. A lot, like an idiot.”

Hoseok stood up and walked to the bar counter, placing his hands on both sides of the other man’s hips. He basically told his whole story of being a lonely loser and Hyungwon couldn’t even share one thing. It wasn’t fair.

“I’m giving myself to you on a plate, so you should show me some of you, don’t you think? Or was it planned to be a one-sided thing?”

The other man’s eyes widened and he shook his head furiously, throwing his platinum blonde strands from side to side.

“No, of course not. It- it just still hurt.” There was a low chuckle that sounded rather dark until Hyungwon inhaled sharply and met his eyes. “I fell in love with an artist after working together. As you can imagine it didn’t go too well.”

_Oh god._

“I’m sorry. The occupation is a shitshow and it’s really hard to maintain personal relationships. It’s kind of perfect for me, as I’m just a loner, but it’s full of hurtful experiences for others. I- hope that you’ll get over it soon and that your life can be full of nice memories.”

_Is he someone who generally likes celebrities?_

He thought about it, but the room full of posters… there was only him in there.

“Thank you, Hoseok,” Hyungwon replied and smiled brightly, brushing over his cheek with his palm. It was a little cooler than his own skin. “The maintaining of personal relationships wasn’t really the problem there. I was, but alas, _c’est la vie_.”

“You? I see no problem with you,” he muttered and licked his lips at the touch. “Is that why you reacted to the song?”

There was again a smile as Hyungwon reached up and let his fingers dance over his hair.

“You mean ‘Back to Black’, don’t you?”

“All of them. ‘Back to Black’, my song about heartbreak and the one I sang for you outside.” He closed his eyes automatically to feel more of the touch, before opening them again and looking into Hyungwon’s big, brown eyes. He liked them. He really did.

“I would have agreed, had you not included ‘Back to Black’. It’s- it’s different with that one. It’s difficult to explain. It had felt like Deja vu, but I have never heard you sing it before. It reminded me of the sea somehow, of sand, stormy waves, naked feet. There was so much and- and I just cried and didn’t even know why. I am sorry if I am bothering you with this.”

Hoseok felt really sad suddenly. He had tried to put his sincere feelings into the new song and it hurt that Hyungwon thought about something else while he sang it. Someone else.

_But why would you expect him to think what you are thinking and feel what you are feeling?_

He didn’t know, but he thought that they had shared something special.

“Mhm, I see. You are not bothering me with this. ‘Back to Black’ is a song that accompanied me through an extremely devastating time of my life. And it still does, so I can understand that.” Stepping back, he emptied his beer and sighed.

“I think I’m going to take a cab home. Do you have a cap?”

“I said something wrong, didn’t I? You- you look really disappointed.” There was a change in the other man’s expression as his lip quivered briefly and he pulled it into his mouth, as if to hide it. Blinking a few times, Hyungwon glanced to the ceiling as his hands shook a little, noticeable against the counter of the mini bar he was sitting on.

“My disappointment is mine, it has nothing to do with you, Hyungwon. It just happens when one has unrealistic expectations. I just hope that you won’t be sad about this person. You should only have the nice memories, they suit you better,” he murmured and took out his phone, opening the app to get a cab. He had his trusted drivers, so there was no problem getting home. He just had to get to his bike somehow without telling Kihyun what the fuck happened.

“You say the disappointment is yours, but the person you are suddenly leaving is me,” Hyungwon whispered while staring at his own thighs. “Something makes you want to run away and that something has to do with me, otherwise you would stay. It’s okay, I can deal with that, but I don’t want you to pretend it’s about you.”

“The song was for you,” he whispered, looking up at the blonde man on the counter, before lowering his gaze again and typing his password into the app.

“Oh my god, I’m an idiot,” Hyungwon muttered and slipped down from the counter, grabbing Hoseok’s face with both of his palms and staring at him. “I misunderstood your question, I thought you meant the village by ‘outside’. The reason I reacted to the song you sang for me has nothing to do with what happened to me. Not at all, not in the slightest, _rien_. I reacted because that song did what all of your songs do to me, they- well- your music always makes me feel, I soar with each word that you pronounce. I felt overwhelmed because it was for me, that’s why I- why I kissed you.”

“I kissed you,” he corrected and swallowed, hand falling to the side.

“Only because I didn’t kiss you first,” the blonde man whispered and raked through his hair again, one arm curling around his neck. “I’m sorry for misunderstanding you. I thought you were only asking about the songs in which you described pain. The new song it- it makes me want to be close to you just thinking about it.”

“I feel so fucking vulnerable and I hate it,” he whispered suddenly, teeth settling on his lower lip and sinking into it painfully.

“Why? Isn’t it human and genuine?” the blonde boy asked and placed a careful kiss on his nose. It was so affectionate and intimate, suddenly it felt like the distance from before had disintegrated in thin air. “I feel vulnerable too because I know myself. I know that if you had left right this instant I would have cried.”

“Don’t cry. Not because of me. It’s not worth it.” Lifting his hand, he let his fingers touch Hyungwon’s soft cheek. His movements were careful, their connection seemed so fragile, as if it could break any second.

_It probably can. Don’t throw your trust around._

“Don’t leave. Not because of me. It’s not worth it,” the blonde man whispered and leaned in, tracing his lips with his own hesitantly. He seemed so delicate suddenly compared to the confident way he had kissed him only minutes ago.

His senses were on overdrive, the alcohol and the suspense, the arousal and the intense emotional response that came out of nowhere. He was not used to dealing with so many things at once. He was tired, but he felt safe somehow.

“I’ll stay.”

  


[1,2] ‘Cave Me In’ by Gallant, Tablo, Eric Nam  
  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQunCjYdAcU 


	6. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling. You're feeling again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 11th of March at 2 PM CET.  
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It felt like he was treading on thin wooden boards, unable to predict when they would give way and break under his weight, dropping him into a darkness he would never escape from. Everything about the pale skin he was touching felt so delicate, so vulnerable. It seemed as if one wrong word would be sufficient to see the silver-haired man walk through the door and disappear into the night.

_He could leave and you would never see him again. Because that is the type of person he is._

_Because he is a celebrity and you are one among many._

It was terrifying and Hyungwon couldn’t help the way he curled his arms around the broad, muscular neck and brushed those curved lips with his own, melting into the way they felt against his. There was so much to it, so much he didn’t even understand himself. Why was he suddenly melting into the touch of the other man, emotional about the mere thought of him leaving?

_Is it because you feel like you know him?_

It was just a day, a few hours they had spent together while exchanging poems, songs and thoughts. It wasn’t possible to develop such attachment in only a few hours. It couldn’t be.

_It shouldn’t be._

Still, Hyungwon felt his chest burn from the fear of Hoseok leaving, from the terrifying sensation of being the one who is left behind. His hands shook as they caressed the other man’s cheek and raked through his hair, entangling with the soft strands and pulling him a little closer.

Hyungwon had received a song before, a present from one of his lovers during the early years of his career, but he had never experienced the wrecking ball of emotions he was feeling now. Feelings that crumbled his resolve and pulled him into the other man’s embrace all on its own. He couldn’t have resisted even if he wanted to. He needed the touches, the proximity, the soft voice that spoke, sang and was able to make him soar above everything else.

_Only Hoseok can, it was always only Hoseok._

He was scared of being obsessive, to see something that wasn’t there and that he conjured with his imagery and wishes. But the other man’s low voice, whispering that he would stay, sounded so convincing, like everything was just the way it was supposed to be.

_As if you're the one who can be close, be special._

“Can I kiss you again?” he murmured, lips still brushing over the silver-haired man’s curved ones, hot to the touch and soft like a dream he could vaguely remember. It was a sensation that he yearned for without really knowing it. “Only briefly, I promise. I won't steal your breath, only borrow it to make it mine for a few long seconds.”

“Please do,” the low voice replied as he felt the strong hands curl around his waist, pulling him closer.

Keeping his eyes closed, he bridged the distance and pressed his lips softly against Hoseok’s, basking in the sensations and the tingling that moved along his arms and down to his legs. It felt amazing and it was difficult to pull himself away again, meeting the gorgeous man's dark eyes.

“Thank you for staying,” he whispered softly, hands still remaining around Hoseok’s neck. “It's late, you're probably tired. I can offer you a guest room if- if you prefer distance.”

“I don't know this place, is the guest room far away from your bedroom?” Hoseok asked, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

_Does he want it to be far?_

He tried hard to not be disappointed no matter what the other man had to say and smiled, combing through the blue tips of his hair with his fingers.

“It's at the end of the hallway, close to the bathroom. My bedroom has its own bathroom and is across from here.”

“Can't I just put up a small black tent in your bedroom?” The other man chuckled and brushed his lips along his neck. The words pulled at something in his mind but he couldn't quite grasp what it was, or why it reappeared now of all times.

“I fear I don't own a tent,” he replied and chuckled too, disbelieving that there was really something he couldn't offer. “You can sleep in my bed. There's- a lot of space. I could lend you a pair of pajamas as well.”

“I own a tent. It's small and old as fuck, but I will bring it over one day when it's summer and we can camp in your garden.” The beautiful man leaned back and looked at him. “I sleep in underwear.”

_Well, fuck. That went well._

“That's fine, you can sleep however you want,” he replied quickly and licked over his lips, genuinely hoping that his thoughts weren't obvious on his face. “Also, I'd love to camp in my garden. I've never slept in a tent, only lay in one.”

_And made out for that matter._

“I spent my holidays in my tent. It's really nice, I love it. Do you also have a toothbrush?” Leaning back some more, Hoseok smiled at him. It looked genuine. “You can put me somewhere else, I can sleep on the floor next to your bed, if you're uncomfortable.”

“Hoseok, if there is anybody who should be uncomfortable, then it's definitely you.” Chuckling, he poked the muscular chest and regretted that he hadn't let his hands wander over it properly before. “I have everything you need, be it a toothbrush, toothpaste, towels, underwear. I have it all.”

He was still reluctant to step out of the embrace, enjoying the resulting warmth too much.

“It's crazy that you spent your holidays in a tent. It's really different. It was the beach for me.”

_Waves and sand, nothing else._

“It was the beach for me too.” Hoseok stepped back, pointing in the wrong direction. “The bathroom?”

Shaking his head with a loud laugh, Hyungwon simply grabbed his wrist and pulled him along. Entering his spacious bathroom, he pulled out a fresh and still packaged toothbrush and handed it to Hoseok before grabbing his own.

“When do you need to be back? So, we can plan when to drive you to your bike.”

The silver-haired man brushed his teeth furiously, before trying to speak, showing him his hands instead. A six.

Well that was… painfully early. Ouch.

“You mean you need to be back by six or pick up the bike by six?” he asked again and had the terrible number forty dancing in front of his inner eye. They needed 40 minutes to get there.

“You know what? I'll be dead, so let's make it eight. I'll write Kihyun. He will want to know whether I got raped by paparazzi in the streets after being crazy and irresponsible,” the other man murmured and put the toothbrush next to his. “I have no idea where your bedroom is.”

“I'll show you,” Hyungwon replied with a bright smile and was just about to leave when he remembered that he had simply stood there without actually brushing his teeth. Like an idiot. “After brushing my teeth that is. So, do you need to pick up the bike and be back in London at eight then?” He started brushing his teeth to get it over with.

Hoseok hummed while typing something into his phone furiously.

“How come he hasn't called you at least 300 times by now?” he asked after spitting out the toothpaste and rubbing over his lips. They were still tingling a little from kissing the silver-haired man.

“Because he knows me well. I told you, the people around me have known me for a long time, so they don't need many explanations. It's nice.” Putting the device back into the pocket of his jeans, Hoseok opened the door and waited for him to lead the way.

It was a little cute how lost the other man seemed even though his house was purposefully small.

“Have you done this before? Just run away for a few hours?” he asked and walked along the hallway to his bedroom. He should have checked it first, but it was too late already. His blanket was lying messily in the middle, crumbled up from hugging it and there were a few condoms and a toy on his bedside table. It wasn't even anything major. He had showed it to Minhyuk who wanted to get a similar one for himself.

_He'll hate you for making him embarrassed again._

“I do it frequently. Once a month, I guess.” Hoseok smiled in apology. “Which side?” he asked, before his eyes widened and he looked away from the side with the toy and pointed to the other side. “This one?”

“Ehm- yeah,” Hyungwon muttered and smoothly moved over to his bedside table and threw the toy and the condoms inside, making them disappear.

Magic.

As soon as he turned to Hoseok, he could see the other man's toned stomach, pale and defined, before he pulled the shirt over his head completely, revealing his sculpted chest too.

“Holy fucking shit, you gotta warn a hoe,” Hyungwon muttered and was absolutely amazed by how Hoseok hadn't been photo shopped. Holy mother of god. He had seen quite some beefy guys, but Hoseok was perfect. He had defined abdominal muscles, a gorgeous vline, veiny biceps and gorgeous nipples. Hyungwon wanted to lean in and trace all of it with his tongue and teeth, leave marks and see how pretty it would look. Fuck.

“I'll just put them here, okay?” The other man was busy putting his clothes onto a nearby chair. His pale fingers dipped under the seam of his jeans as he loosened the button and pulled down the zipper, sliding the fabric down his muscular, hairless legs. He was hairless, only pale skin and a hint of the hip bone tattoo he had seen before. There was an S but nobody had managed to see what the words were.

The other man was a dream come true. Hyungwon hated body hair, be it on himself or on others and Hoseok was fucking perfect, hairless, muscular and fucking adorable.

_This is starting to get ridiculous. Now he only needs a giant-ass dick._

He loved big dicks because he was sensitive as fuck and simply died when one was buried inside him, unable to deal with it unless he wore a cockring. It was the best.

“Uh-huh,” he replied and lay down on the bed, head resting on his palms and watching Hoseok intently as he wiggled his long legs up and down in excitement.

“Don't you- want to undress too?” Hoseok climbed on top of the bed and immediately slipped under the blanket, he seemed really shy.

“Yeah, of course- sorry. I got distracted because you are really, really attractive.” Smiling, he rose on his knees and began to unbutton the shirt that he wore. It was a little frustrating because he knew that Hoseok wouldn't react the way he had, fascinated and unable to take his eyes off him. Of course, Hyungwon thought that he was pretty attractive for those that were into long and slim, but the silver-haired man was pretty difficult to read.

_Unless…_

Still smiling, he met Hoseok’s eyes and continued to unbutton his shirt, slowly but steadily as he revealed more and more of his skin. It had a pretty color, not as nice as when he has been in the sun regularly, but it still got attention when he wanted it to. Once enough buttons were loose, he allowed the shirt to slip down one shoulder and reveal his collarbone and a bit of his chest. He was glad that it was wide and loose, perfect for what he wanted.

Instead of finishing with the shirt, he pulled it out of his tight jeans and unbuttoned them, lowering the zipper and sliding them over his hips.

“Hoseok, do you think you could help me? They are pretty tight,” he commented and turned a little to lift his right leg in the direction of the other man, still covered by the blanket.

The other man had pulled the thick fabric up to his nose, only his wide, round eyes visible, framed by the silver-blue hair.

“W-What?” he asked, lowering the blanket a little. “You- want me to help you undress?”

Hyungwon smiled reassuringly and wiggled his leg a little, long and straight in front of Hoseok’s nose. He had damn nice legs and he knew it.

“Yeah, because these pants are really tight and difficult to pull down my legs.”

“I'm not sure whether this argumentation makes sense,” the other man muttered, but sat up, letting the blanket pool at his hips and reached for his hips hesitantly, teeth abusing his bottom lip.

Hoseok was so gorgeous, chest pale and nipples a dark color. Hyungwon stared while lifting his hips a little to help the other man.

Exhaling sharply, Hoseok pulled at his jeans, revealing his smooth, golden legs gradually, until he finally removed the fabric and let himself fall back on the sheets. It was dark, but there was just enough light to see the silhouette and appreciate his skin color.

“Oh my god,” the silver-haired man murmured and threw the blanket over his head.

“What's the matter?” Hyungwon asked, a little disappointed that the show had ended prematurely. He looked really good in loose white shirts and tight trunks. Crawling closer, he leaned over where he expected Hoseok’s head to be.

“Are you kidding me?” The round eyes appeared from under the blanket, before widening comically at their proximity.

“You're naked too,” he said in defense and licked over his lips, missing the gorgeous sight.

“But I didn't tell you to undress me, oh my god, I think I need a minute,” Hoseok mumbled, pulling the blanket a little lower and revealing his pink cheeks and his pretty curved mouth. Hyungwon really wanted to cover it with his own.

_He's adorable and tempting at the same time._

“You could have asked me to, I'd have helped,” he murmured and leaned down, resting his weight on his palms again, watching Hoseok’s face. “You didn't even see how nice I look in a white shirt and trunks.”

“I did,” was the short answer, before Hoseok looked at him, staring right into his eyes. “You- you are dazzling.”

There was something really intense to the eye contact and Hyungwon couldn't help but gasp, sudden spark moving from his chest right to his lower body. Sitting up on his knees, he played with the fabric of the white shirt and pulled it a little more to have it slip to his elbows, uncovering more of his chest. It wasn't enough yet to show the small barbell in his navel that he wanted the gorgeous man to see eventually.

“You promised me that you wouldn't take my breath away,” Hoseok whispered and pulled the blanket over his head in a quick movement.

“I-” Hyungwon began but didn't know what to say. He did kinda promise. “I said I'll only borrow it for a little while, maybe you will let me keep it for a few moments longer?” he whispered and reached out to carefully pull at the edges of the blanket.

“I'm choking.” Hoseok sat up and grabbed his shoulders suddenly. “What do you want?”

Hyungwon's lips parted and no sound came out, eyes wide in shock. He hadn't expected the other man to lose patience and confront him for his attempts at getting his attention.

“I wanted to show you my body and my navel piercing, but I haven’t gotten there yet,” he murmured quickly and without a filter. “I also want to sit on your lap and rub my butt over your thighs but that's secondary.”

_Oh god._

“Your body is beautiful and I bet your navel piercing is too, I just- I really need to function tomorrow, but instead I feel my sanity crawling away from me, further and further with every layer of clothing you shed so perfectly. Fuck, just let me pass out already,” Hoseok whispered and bit down on his lips. Turning to the side, he let go of his shoulders.

Hyungwon just stared, disbelieving that the other man had genuinely admitted to finding him attractive, just like that. It felt really nice, spreading warmth through his chest and abdomen and waking the desire to embrace the muscular man in front of him.

“Can I- can I show you and then I will not bother you anymore? Let you sleep in peace and quiet? Your- your reaction matters to me,” he murmured and undid another button.

“Fuck my life.” The muscular man turned around and stared, gaze dark and intense and so unlike the shyness that had been there before. It was the kind of gaze that made Hyungwon want to undress and sink to his knees.

_He does it so easily, in a matter of seconds._

The dark eyes on him changed everything as he undid the last button, finally uncovering his chest and stomach, navel piercing perfectly visible and reflecting a little bit of the light. Inhaling sharply, he let the white fabric pool at his elbows and couldn't contain the shivers that passed through his legs, chest rising and falling quickly.

 _He's turning you on, only by looking at you_.

Hoseok licked over his lips, hands curled around his own thighs and exhaled sharply.

“Fuck.”

Hyungwon didn't really know what to say, sitting on the bed only in tight black trunks and a white shirt that covered his elbows and forearms. He could feel his own body reacting even though nothing was really happening, it was only Hoseok’s gaze and the way he licked over his lips, muscles in the lean thighs contracting.

His nipples hardened and the tingling sensation along his chest towards his groin increased, blush spreading to his face simultaneously. His heart was threatening to jump out of his chest with how strongly it was beating. It was crazy, simply crazy. Hyungwon had never reacted like this, not from being looked at.

“Let me kiss you once,” Hoseok whispered and closed the distance, grabbing his face with both palms and connecting their lips in a burning kiss.

Hyungwon whimpered into the touch, body shaking and arms holding his weight. He wanted to curl them around the other man and pull him close, but they would have fallen to the mattress unless the silver-haired man held him up. He could barely breathe with the sudden arousal that exploded in his groin and the way his vision blurred. He wanted Hoseok, he wanted him so fucking much.

“Please,” he begged and curled one of his legs around the muscular man's body, keeping him close. He surrendered completely when the silver-haired man wrapped his arms around him and pulled him along until Hoseok lay on his back and positioned him on top of himself, licking into his mouth hungrily.

It felt like every touch was a spark that travelled throughout his whole body, every little kiss an earthquake of pleasure in his mind. It was intense, uncontrollable, overwhelming. His hands reached out and caressed Hoseok’s face, sinking into his hair and pulling him close as he kissed back eagerly. He kept whimpering for more, to drown in the way the other man had looked at him. It felt like he was his, just like that, with a single look.

_This is crazy, Hyungwon._

“I have to stop, I don't know what I'll do, I'm going crazy, Hyungwon,” Hoseok whispered suddenly and turned them, hovering over him with black eyes looking down at him. Shifting a little he could feel the other man's clothed erection brushing against his hip bone. “Don't you think this is already insane?”

“It is,” he whispered in return and closed his eyes at how amazing it felt to have the evidence that the other man wanted him just as much brush over his skin. He wanted to touch him, to feel it in his hand, to have Hoseok move inside his mouth, to drown in the feeling of having the muscular man bend him in half and take over him, filling him out and making him scream. He gasped at the images as his own erection twitched and he blinked repeatedly, staring at the dazzling man above him.

“Let's- let's go to sleep,” Hoseok muttered, suddenly crawling down to place a soft kiss against his navel before crawling back up, kissing his lips briefly.

Hyungwon's eyes were wide as he tried to comprehend how Hoseok was able to say no, to ignore the crazy chemistry they had and decide against acting on it. His body was burning and he barely managed to pull his legs together and tell his body to shut the fuck up as he crawled under the blanket and panted heavily. Fuck.

“You're- you're right,” he stuttered and curled up into a ball, pulling his legs closer to his chest and forcing his eyes to close, thinking of anything but the arousal that was throbbing in his body and making his hands shake. He had never felt like that before, set on fire and left to burn.

There were heavy pants audible from Hoseok's side. The other man must've had similar problems with suppressing his arousal.

“Sleep well,” Hyungwon whispered and genuinely considered touching himself, to get rid of the terrible burn and the dizziness in his head. He couldn't breathe because of the desire to touch the other man and feel him inside of him.

“Thank you for caving me in,” Hoseok whispered back. He lay there in silence, listening to the steady breaths as the beautiful man fell asleep

_If only it was that easy for you._

Hyungwon didn't know what he was doing, neither with his attraction towards Hoseok nor with the spiritual connection they seemed to share. It felt uncontrollable, like a tornado that moved as it liked. Hyungwon didn't know if he could stop it anymore, if he had the power to do so.

_You always get attached so easily._

_

 

The incessant ringing of his alarm pulled him out of the depths of sleep. Reaching towards the bedside table he fumbled around until he finally found his phone and was able to turn it off, groaning at how tired he felt.

_Because you barely got any sleep._

His eyes widened and he turned to the side, expecting to meet the gorgeous eyes of Lee Hoseok, the man he had kissed passionately last night and also the man whose pictures covered all the walls in his hobby room. Instead of seeing dark, round eyes, there was nothing apart from messy blankets and the hollow in the pillow Hoseok had used.

_He was here, you can tell, but he isn’t anymore._

Hyungwon panicked a little, throwing the blanket to the side and making his way to the bathroom, the living room and finally the garden, hoping to see the silver-haired man with the gorgeous blue tips, thinking about something or smiling to himself.

Only when he saw that the black sneakers, that had been placed next to the door, weren’t there anymore, he accepted that Hoseok had left, without telling him.

_‘Black sneakers sneaking through the black of night,_

_I hate your cowardice, I hate your flight_ ,’ his mind supplied, words ringing in his head as he swallowed and attempted to remain calm.

He must have overwhelmed the other man, upset him with his behavior and thereby forced him out. It was six in the morning, but Hoseok must have left earlier, awoken in the middle of the night and asked for a cab to drive him away, as far away as possible.

“Though the night was made for loving,  
And the day returns too soon,  
Yet we'll go no more a roving  
By the light of the moon.[1]”

 

He whispered the words out loud and clenched his fists, attempting to calm the beating of his heart and the dread that collected in his chest and slowly sank to his stomach, remaining there like a weight he was forced to keep inside of him. Lord Byron’s poem spoke his mind.

Hyungwon didn’t even have the other man’s phone number to send him a poem to show how he was feeling. Sighing at his pathetic attempts of leaving an impression, he returned to the bedroom and got dressed, pulling tight pants over his legs and covering his naked chest with another white shirt. He had an important client meeting today and had to make more of an impression than usual. It was fortunate that his hair wasn’t the color of bubblegum anymore.

Suddenly he had the urge to dye it black.

Grabbing his phone, he opened his poem Twitter account and posted the one that was his own and the reference to Lord Byron that had appeared in his mind. If there was nobody else that could share his devastation, he wanted to scream it into the void at least, pretend that there was somebody to listen.

There was immediately a comment under the second. ‘Holy shit, who hurt you like dis?’ it said and Hyungwon couldn’t help the chuckle at the sight of his best friend’s Twitter @, stalking him as usual.

Another notification caught his attention as somebody was almost as fast as his best friend, also awake at the ungodly hour of six o’clock. The comment was simple and had perfect spelling.

‘I hate it too,’ it said under the two-liner in which he expressed the anger and hurt at being left alone in the middle of the night, missing the presence of the other man.

_This person must also be in a similar situation._

A few seconds passed until another notification followed, this time under his reference to Lord Byron. It was the same person.

‘It’s as if you speak my mind,’ it said. Hyungwon couldn’t help but smile a little. It was nice to know that his feelings were understandable to somebody else, even if he would never wish them upon anybody.

_Actually, you have no right to be upset, what did you expect?_

It was typical of him to have illusions of grandeur and believe that he was special, not a fan like any other and therefore somebody to be remembered. Hoseok was going to return to his life as O-NO and see masses of faces, just like before.

_But he wrote a song for you, just for you._

But Hyungwon didn't know the circumstances of O-NO’s other songs. He must meet and get close to lots of people. Naturally, some of his experiences would be negative and he could use that as inspiration when making music. Something was off about his explanation, but there was no other way to interpret it, not when Hoseok had left in the middle of the night without leaving a note.

He almost chuckled bitterly as Hoseok’s voice reappeared in his mind, singing words that have never been more appropriate.

 

“You went back to what you knew  
So far removed from all that we went through  
And I tread a troubled track  
My odds are stacked  
I'll go back to black.[2]”

 

_Your mind doesn’t function without him, that’s all that occupies it, Hyungwon._

It was rather sad, but also typical of him. It was the same thing all over again, only that last time he hadn’t been this close.

_You were barely close enough._

 

_

 

 

Hyungwon felt a little stressed by the constant onslaught of calls, tight schedules and venues being mostly booked because every-fucking-body wanted to perform in summer.

It was nice of course, especially for the ones that wanted to camp in front of the venue, but it was a shitshow for him.

He almost threw a pen against the wooden door when a knock sounded suddenly, interrupting his train of thought.

_The person behind the door is not at fault, Hyungwon._

Minhyuk blonde head poked into his room and his best friend looked like he had seen a ghost.

“Hi, Hyungwon. Listen, you know that we have to act according to the rules, right? If we get a profitable offer, we have to accept it.” The other man was babbling and Hyungwon tried to figure out why. He must have done something that he considered bad, like throwing more work on the already huge heap.

It was nice though, it distracted him from his thoughts and the fact that he hadn't heard from Hoseok.

_Only from your celebrity crush._

“So what?” he asked back and sent off an email he had been writing.

“Well, I wanted to ask someone else to take care of it, but your uncle requested you because it's important. The client is- well- here and would like to discuss the details.”

_Fuck._

Hyungwon jumped up and grabbed a notebook and a pen, already feeling a headache develop at his temples. He wasn't prepared at all.

“Where?” he asked and groaned. His uncle was a real dick sometimes. Hyungwon should have been treated like every other employee instead of getting asked to take care of the profitable clients. Of course, it could have been because he was particularly good, but Hyungwon doubted that very much.

_Not much to fuck up._

“Listen, it's in the meeting room, but-”

He didn't bother to listen to the rest and ignored Minhyuk calling after him, hurrying down the stairs instead of the elevator and hoping that it wasn't Madonna or something. They were basically neighbors and that would have been a little awkward.

Arriving in front of the rather big white door, he took a few calming breaths to appear composed and opened it, bright smile plastered on his face.

It took less than a second for it to fall, features returning to neutral and then transforming into shock like he had no control over them at all.

The client was sitting on the black leather couch, playing on his phone with his legs crossed, muscular thighs obvious in the tailored suit pants he wore. A white shirt and a black vest completed the look as a wide smile appeared and eyes turned into tiny crescents, almost disappearing. The dimples, those damn dimples.

Hyungwon wanted to turn around and walk back to his office, disappear and never appear again, but he couldn't, not when he was the one in charge.

“Hyungwon!” the brown-haired man exclaimed like they were friends that hadn't seen each other for years. He looked surprised too, eyes widening only to disappear with another smile.

_Months, you haven’t seen him for months and he's the one who didn't want to be friends._

“I thought you were in Korea,” Hyungwon replied and pulled his lips together before sitting down across from the other man. Jooheon hadn't aged a day, still reassembling a big baby with gorgeous dimples and lips, and muscular thighs. It reminded Hyungwon of everything he didn't want to remember.

Life must have been playing a game with him, tired of his constant luck.

“I'm back for a tour and another single. I thought you guys could take care of it. I didn't know it would be you, but that's cool with me. How have you been?”

‘Cool with him,’ Hyungwon repeated in his head and almost felt the familiar burn that he experienced whenever Hoseok sang about pain. He didn't want to, he wanted to do his job and not give a single shit. There wasn't even much that he could have missed, but it still hurt.

“Fine, what do you plan for the concerts?” he replied and chewed on his cheek. It was frustrating how Jooheon examined him carefully, almost like he expected him to cry any moment.

_Because he knows, fucking hell, he knows you._

“I didn't really decide on anything yet apart from wanting it to be way bigger, you know? Getting better venues each year. As long as we pull that off, I'm good,” the rapper commented and wrapped one of his fists into the other, leaning forward to look at Hyungwon's notes.

It was just too much. He couldn't do it like that, not without preparation.

“How about you simply think about what you want and then we meet as soon as you have decided. That way- that way I'll be able to organize it according to your needs and both of us don't waste our time.” He swallowed and stood up. Being that rude wasn't like him, but he couldn't do it.

“Well- wow- you're different,” Jooheon commented and lifted his hands in defense. He had the typical face when he thought someone did him dirty and was in the wrong.

_He thinks you're being mean to him for no reason._

Maybe it was better that way. Hyungwon couldn't help the small hope that the other man would find a different event manager instead of him. It hurt too much.

_He's the one who broke off the friendship like it was nothing._

“Time passed,” he whispered back, using it as an excuse, pretending that he didn't give a shit anymore. Fuck, he wanted to cry again.

Making his way towards the door, he lifted his right hand in a goodbye and hurried up the stairs. He couldn't cry on the way, only when he was alone, only then.

Luckily Minhyuk hadn't waited for him and he was able to be on his own, locked in his office with tears streaming down his face. Like an idiot.

_You didn't even get anything in return, why would you cry about losing it? There was nothing to lose._

Blinking the tears away, he rubbed over his cheeks and murmured the poem he had written for himself to forget, to let go, to be himself again. He was so tired of falling off the path and struggling to get back on. It seemed like he kept carving a parallel, one that led him nowhere.

The notification sound of his phone grabbed his attention, vision blurring because of the liquid in his eyes.

_O-NO, it can only be him._

Swallowing he opened the notification and waited for the tweet to appear. It was a moon, beautiful and full on the background of the night sky. Something pulled in his chest at the sight, differently from before.

There were words too, one single sentence that seemed to wrap itself around Hyungwon and keep him in place.

‘I want you to cave me in.’

Swallowing he wrote a reply, even though the other man would never see it, drowning in the mass of confessions and adoration.

‘I won’t say it again, I want you.’

 

 

***

 

_Since when are you thinking like this?_

He stared at the full moon, foreign in the black sky like a dot that someone left on the shiny black surface, unfitting and lonely. His thoughts kept going back to the same thing, the garden, green grass, warm lips and tender fingers exploring him gently, tasting him and getting familiar. White sheets, golden skin, a white shirt, strong hands ripping through his sanity, deliberately pushing his buttons and making him surrender.

_You almost lost your mind, Hoseok. You were so close to crossing your own boundaries and throwing everything away just to feel his hands and lips on your body. For what?_

For the burning pleasure to explode behind his eyelids and to stop torturing him every free minute for the past three weeks. Hoseok still wasn’t sure what had happened between him and the beautiful blonde man with the low voice, plump lips and mesmerizing poems.

_Did you turn gay suddenly?_

There had only been one time he had let go like that, in the black tent, accompanied by harsh breaths and hot desperation, blurring his senses and making his hands tremble. His hands never trembled, not when being close to somebody. It had been a boy back then too. The only time.

_It was summer._

Something about Hyungwon felt similar, but it was more- it seemed as if the other man knew for sure how to touch him, what to say and how to turn, as if he was completely confident in how he would react. The way the blonde man had taken off his clothes, he had wanted him to suffer, to want him.

_It wasn’t about the poem and the song you made for him, was it? Did he want to be close to you? Because he thinks that you are hot?_

It hurt so fucking much, it was stupid. Why should he be sad about something that he had successfully prevented from happening?

Because he felt so attracted to the other man after he had seen his eyes, the feeling they expressed as he performed his songs, as he sang Back to Black, as he read out the poems to him, words shaking as he completely lost his composure. It wasn’t because of some desire to get the edge off. He knew what that felt like.

_Not like this, Hoseok._

But still something burned between them. It had burned, three weeks ago, they hadn’t seen each other for a long time and he had to change his number because a fan had managed to find out and call him in the middle of the night just to do some heavy breathing.

Sighing, he pulled out his phone and lifted it in front of his face, changing the view to main camera and tapping the button. The moon looked gorgeous in the picture, even more lonely than it seemed with the trees around.

_Maybe you should post it on twitter. Kihyun asked you to post once today._

Staring at the picture for a few seconds, he saw the caption appear over it, as if his fingers knew better than him what he wanted.

‘I want you to cave me in.’

Sending off the tweet, he stared up again, ignoring the notifications that appeared on his screen.

_He said he always comments. He said he does, Hoseok._

Suddenly, he could feel his heartbeat hammering in his ears and he lifted the device, clicking on the comments and looking through the endless ‘I love you’s ‘OMG’s and not safe for work kind of stuff, even though it was a picture of the moon. But well, maybe the caption did the job. After reading about two hundred replies, he regretted his life choices and sighed, scrolling down one last time and feeling his breath hitch. There was someone with his face on the icon, which wasn’t special, almost all of them had his face as their profile picture, but the comment was what had caught his attention.

‘I won’t say it again, I want you.’

_It’s him. It must be him, Hoseok._

The twitter-name seemed familiar, but he didn’t care, tapping on the reply button and writing down the words.

‘So... maybe I won’t ask to forget it,’ he typed and clicked send. Of course, it could’ve been an answer to his caption, something a fan came up with, but- he really hoped that it wasn’t. Hoseok hoped that it was Hyungwon, who still remembered the song that kept repeating in his head, much like the pictures of how they had been close, how they had kissed and embraced, how he had felt like the air wasn’t enough for him to breathe as the blonde man recited his poems, how his hands trembled, scared of action, but full of longing to touch.

He kept staring at the words until another line appeared under his answer.

‘I want it. I do.’

_Fuck. It’s him._

Hoseok was holding his phone in an iron grip, as if the thing would suddenly disappear from in between his fingers and contemplated on what to say. Should he write something? He couldn’t write that he had to change his number because of a crazy fan.

_Just write it fancy, if it’s him he’ll understand._

Suddenly his WhatsApp notification blinked and he clicked on Kihyun’s message. All in caps lock.

‘DID YOU JUST ANSWER A FAN ON TWITTER, HOSEOK? HANDS OFF!’

He did. He had never answered anyone, but he also didn’t write anything obvious. It was just an innocent conversation.

_He said that he wanted you and you said you wouldn’t ask to forget it. Are you nuts?_

Facepalming to remove the pressure from his head, he sucked in a long breath and thought about what to do.

_You know where his house is._

No. Just no.

Hoseok shook his head at himself and stared back at his phone, watching as the number of retweets and replies kept increasing. His answer, but also Hyungwon’s. Oh god.

_Think about something witty. Something that can be anything._

He looked through his gallery and found a picture of himself, taken by Kihyun just as he was talking to someone on the phone. He was looking at the ceiling, it looked nice. Attaching it to his tweet, he wrote:

‘I love the voice but there is no way I can reach it, watching blue and the moon playing games while I stare at the sky instead.’

_Just hope that it’s really him and that he gets it._

It was crazy to look through comments, so he clicked on the icon with his face from the previous comment, and refreshed the replies section, much like he did when he stalked his favorite poet.

Suddenly a new message appeared, a reply to his words.

‘You know it's winter somewhere  
But it's spring time right here,” it said, quoting his own lyrics.

Hoseok sighed at the written words and closed his eyes, going on the main page, and typed: ‘What am I missing?’. The phone disappeared in the pocket of his jeans as he threw his right leg over his bike and turned the key, putting his helmet on. He was still 20 minutes from home and he only had three hours in between his schedules.

_You have exactly an hour to sleep eight hours, eat and compose. Amazing job._

The growling of the engine was deafening, as he accelerated and rode past the cars that were stuck in the evening traffic.

_

  
The number of schedules was staggering and he barely had time to breathe. Show after show, hours in the studio, a music video for one of the songs of his new album and the pressure to produce more.

He had recorded Cave Me In, and even filmed a music video for it. He felt like such a hypocrite, singing those lines while knowing perfectly well who they were for, trying to act or look handsome in the music video, even though he sucked at it.

“Are you sad, Hoseok?” Kihyun asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest as they monitored the finished product.

_Are you sad?_

“I don’t know. Maybe, but I don’t have a reason to be sad. I made a song and it’s beautiful. I just look like a heartbroken teenager in this video and it makes me angry,” he murmured and threw his head back.

“You don’t. You look hot and emotional, especially with those shredded pants. They will definitely dig it, how you lie on the grass during the bird shot. Damn.” Kihyun was definitely feeling it, but he couldn’t understand. He just wanted to run away and hide, drink cheap lager in a tent or something.

Another two weeks had passed and he still wasn’t able to contact Hyungwon, but- maybe he didn’t want to be contacted either. There were rumors about his reply, but he just acted as if he had wanted to interact once and felt overwhelmed at the response.

_They blew it up so much for no reason._

This had been one of the reasons that he hadn’t been able to ask Kihyun for the other man’s number. The manager was still mad at him for just talking to people on twitter.

_Why do you keep thinking about him?_

It wasn’t even the physical closeness he was missing, he missed the talks, the familiar eyes, the poems and the way they were able to communicate without him constantly trying to fit in. He had felt so safe in the other man’s company. Apart from when the beautiful blonde man had decided to destroy his self-control, he hadn’t felt safe then. Not at all.

_You felt as if he was pouring gasoline over you, setting you on fire in a matter of seconds._

It was almost midnight as he looked at his watch and nodded at his manager, who packed his bag and waved at him, knowing that he would leave by bike. He felt so lonely suddenly as he stared at his twitter page that he had updated a week ago. Sighing, he wrote ‘What are you up to?’ and went to the familiar account, scrolling through the crazy tweets and chuckling here and there. It was a little funny how the person who he suspected to be Hyungwon could talk about his thighs, comparing them to all kinds of things he had never thought about.

_A poet, indeed._

Refreshing the page, he saw how quickly the person behind the account answered, probably typing furiously to answer something. The first few tweets were simple exclaims like ‘finally’ in capital letters and strange things like ‘we have been blessed’ until there was eventually an answer.

‘Staring at the night sky while sitting on a swing and thinking about you.’

His heart started hammering in his chest as he went back to the main page and typed ‘Is there some space next to you?’, before going back to the profile page of the user @OnoSHoe.

_Why is he like this?_

‘FUCK YES’ was the first comment, obviously not meant for him as it was not really a reply but for everybody that Hyungwon talked to on twitter. Another few replies to other people followed until it finally sounded like it was meant for him. ‘Always,’ it said, no more no less.

Inhaling sharply, he contemplated a good ending for his public bulshitting, typing ‘I’ll be next to you. Only for a bit.’ and closed the app.

_So what? What can happen?_

He really wanted to see the blonde man.

_Only for a bit, he said it was okay._

He turned on the engine and lifted his feet, riding through the gate of the production company and onto one of the bigger streets, heading in the direction he needed.

Kensington.

He couldn’t remember the exact house number, but he definitely remembered what the building looked like. He had stared at it for ten minutes as he waited for his cab and wondered why he had such bad luck with creepy white houses and pointless affection.

His bike made way too much noise for this time of the night, but he had no time to worry about that. Parking it behind Hyungwon’s garage, to not attract attention, he walked up to the front door and rang the bell, dying from the deafening heartbeat sounding in his ears.

_Why are you even here?_

It was amazing how he didn’t even need to imagine the blonde man coming to the front door as he could hear it, fast steps that got closer and then disappeared again. It was quiet for a few moments until he heard somebody finally stop in front of the entrance door and rip it open.

“Holy fucking shit,” Hyungwon cursed, grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside quickly before closing the door again. The tall man looked different, blonde color completely gone, now his hair resembled chocolate brownies. It was almost exactly the same color of his eyes, emphasizing them even more than his blonde hair did. “I can’t believe you came. I can’t believe you actually answered me on Twitter. You know my Twitter @, fuck.”

_He thinks you knowing his twitter account is the main problem here. Amazing._

“Are you a con-artist?” he asked, trying to catch his breath from the sudden change and the way Hyungwon’s hand curled around his wrist. He reacted like dynamite. “Why do you always change your hair color?”

Hyungwon stared at him for a few moments like he still couldn’t believe that Hoseok was real and standing in his hallway.

“My hair color? Well-” he began and brushed through the brown strands, chewing on his cheek a little bit. “I go crazy if everything stays the same for too long and if nothing changes then I have to. I also tend to change my hair color according to my mood. It’s not very healthy for my scalp but I’m not the best at self-preservation.” Suddenly the tall man chuckled and fixed the loose white shirt on his frame, buttoning up a few buttons that had revealed more of his chest.

_Was it a good idea coming here?_

He didn't know, but he also knew that he had been thinking about the other man for over a month. Every fucking day. The song was supposed to come out tomorrow and he needed to make sure that Hyungwon knew that it was still his.

_Why are you so obsessive? Maybe he doesn't even care._

“Sounds reasonable,” he murmured and put both hands into the pockets of his tight, ripped jeans. “And thank you for your dedication to my thighs. Your loyalty is no joke.”

“Oh, fuck my life,” Hyungwon exclaimed and covered his face with both of his large palms, hiding it completely as he threw his back against the wall. “I thought it couldn’t get any worse after you reading thirst tweets but here we fucking are. _Touché_. Don’t mind me while I find out how to melt the human body into a bunch of parquet boards.”

_That's where you’ve seen the name before._

“Some of the thirst tweets were also you? Wow. Is there anything else? Or do you want to save the feeling of embarrassment for later?” He sounded pretty confident for someone who had come to a stranger’s house at one in the morning.

“No?” Hyungwon tried desperately, but didn’t sound very convinced himself. The tall man still didn’t show his face, slipping down the wall a little. “You’re disgusted, aren’t you? Did you come to tell me to get a fucking grip and not think about someone I don’t really know? You wouldn’t be the first.”

He couldn't help the way his mouth opened and he stepped closer, staring at Hyungwon's face. Trying to determine whether he was joking, Hoseok stretched out his index finger and poked the other man's flat chest.

“Are you stupid?” he asked, not knowing what else to say.

“I’m trying not to be,” Hyungwon murmured and sighed before removing his hands from his face and letting them hang loosely at his sides. It was unusual to see the other man so unsure, but his body posture and the expression on his face were telltale signs. His bottom lip quivered a little and the brown eyes didn’t meet his, focusing on the floor instead. “You probably think I’m a two-faced bitch, talking to you all calmly and professionally even though I basically talk about you non-stop on Twitter and objectify your thighs. It wasn’t really something I expected you to see.”

“I-” he started, watching Hyungwon's vulnerable gaze that shook his insides so intensely that he had the desire to sit down and close his eyes. “I think we all have very different sides to us, some can be seen from the outside and some- at least in my case, are so deep that we can't tell what they consist of and we don't want to show them. Not even to ourselves.”

Licking over his lips, he reached for Hyungwon's hand, curling his fingers around it gently.

“Do you know why I'm here?”

A small smile pulled at the right corner of Hyungwon’s mouth as he exhaled through his nose and kept leaning against the wall, watching him intently.

“I- hoped it was because you wanted to join me on the swing, share the moment and the night sky. I hoped that- you wanted me to cave you in.”

_But you'll burn. You can't burn._

“I had to change my phone. I had no way of contacting you besides writing useless stuff on Twitter and hoping that you'd get that it was for you. I- I know where you live, but I mean, I can't just come to your house, saying that I couldn't call but still thought about you, but that is exactly what I am doing. Sorry for invading your privacy in your home.” His low voice echoed through the hallway.

The brown-haired man looked utterly baffled, staring at him with wide eyes.

“ _Un instant,_ are you telling me that you answered me on Twitter, wrote cryptic messages and updated three times within five minutes instead of once a week because you lost my phone number and thought it wasn’t okay to just come to my house? What?” Hyungwon swallowed and glanced around like he was still trying to get his mind around that. “What is this anti-social club? I thought of contacting Kihyun, but I’m strictly forbidden to use client’s phone numbers for personal reasons. I wanted to DM you, but your DMs are closed. It was a shit show. I felt like a noble lady with a crush in the 19th century, throwing tissues to be noticed. Holy shit.”

“You have no idea how many comments I scrolled through until I found yours, oh god,” he murmured and lifted both hands to massage his temples. “But I'm still sorry, I had no time to breathe during the past month, but when I did- I thought about you.” Looking to the side, he stepped back a little. “I missed our conversations and your voice.”

Hyungwon smiled brightly at that, tilting his head a little and showing his teeth with how happy he suddenly was.

“I am at an advantage, I have the possibility of surrounding myself with nothing but your voice. But I missed its real sound and the way you talked about what inspires you and what you struggle with. It felt so different to get to know the real you, the emotions I get through the songs but that you never show in your public presence. I am really happy that you decided to come, Hoseok.”

“Me too,” he whispered and lifted his gaze, scrutinizing the unfamiliar color of the other man's hair. He needed some time to get used to it.

“You know, the way you talk to me and show me yourself gives me the feeling that I am-” The other man paused and bit down on his bottom lip, hesitating briefly. “That I’m somehow special. All of us wish to be and it feels surreal that it could be me. Please ignore me if I speak nonsense, it might be the obsessive wishes of a fanboy.”

“I can't tell it apart,” he admitted, hands curling into fists at his sides as he thought about it, topic somehow uncomfortable for him. “I don't know whether you see the real me, or the things you saw and heard about me. I also don't know whether you- I mean, you seem to like my songs and my voice, but they can also exist without me, you know? Without me, this strange person who comes to a stranger’s house at 1 AM to talk about insecurities.”

“I think I disagree.” Hyungwon was still chewing on his bottom lip, turning the smooth texture a brighter red as he played with a few rings on his right hand, pulling them all the way to the first joint and back. “Your music, the emotions you express, they are yours, aren’t they? They are something that comes from you, from here.” The brown-haired man pointed at his chest, brushing over his solar plexus lightly and keeping his fingers there. “Isn’t it a part of you then? I enjoyed spending those hours with you, Hoseok and they were not filled with your TV persona or you performing your songs for me in the form of a private concert. You know, maybe I cannot differentiate either, be sure whether what I like is Hoseok or O-NO, but can’t it be that I like the essence of both?”

“I don't know,” he whispered, feeling how hot Hyungwon's fingers were through the thin fabric of his white shirt. “Do you?”

“Are the words you speak to me a part of you?” the other man asked back and stepped a little closer, increasing the point of contact to his whole palm that pressed against his chest lightly with fingers spread out. He could feel the hard metal of the two rings that Hyungwon was wearing.

“Everything I've ever said to you is me, that's why I can't believe you're not disappointed.” Hoseok swallowed and licked over his lips briefly.

“I think-” Hyungwon began and leaned forward, placing a tender kiss on top of Hoseok’s nose before he moved back again and removed his palm from his chest, “that you need a little bit of sunshine in your life, turning all the pessimism into shadows instead of the darkness you surround yourself with.” Using his index finger the brown-haired man pulled the right corner of his mouth upwards and chuckled. “You’re like a frozen over lake in winter. I scratch at the ice and think there is cold ground, but once I fall through there is a whole world below. I love exploring.”

_It's not a lake, it's a void._

He could still feel the tender touch on the skin of his nose as he kept looking into Hyungwon's eyes. They were beautiful. Really.

“Can you- scratch on it somewhere else? I can't get rid of the nervousness because I'm still standing in your hallway, ready to leave any second.”

“ _Bien fait,_ Hyungwon, keeping people in your fucking hallway,” Hyungwon muttered to himself as his eyes widened and he simply sunk to his knees and began to untie Hoseok’s shoelaces, just like that.

“What- what are you doing? Oh my god,” he murmured and tried to crouch down, but lost balance because of the other man. Yelping, Hoseok clutched onto his shoulders to keep himself from falling, but failed miserably. He landed on his butt with his fingers curled around Hyungwon's body.

“Untying your shoelaces,” the other man replied with a small smile and pulled at the lace of his other sneaker, loosening the bow easily while watching him intently. “But I always wanted to sweep you off your feet.”

“Why would you untie my shoelaces? I'm twenty-seven. I learned how.” He was so fucking embarrassed, it wasn't even funny anymore.

_You shouldn't have come._

“You can’t leave without your shoes, can you?” the other man replied and returned his attention to his feet, pulling the first sneaker off carefully, almost like it was something that could hurt him if done wrongly. Hyungwon’s hands were warm as they travelled along his calves to his other sneaker, untying the knots and pulling it off his foot. “To be honest I panicked a little when you said you are ready to leave any second. It was the fastest way to change it.” Only while glancing at the tall man’s face, he realized that the tips of his ears were a little red.

“You don't want me to leave?” he asked quietly, overwhelmed by the sudden sensation of pleasant warmth travelling from his stomach to his chest. “Why?”

Hyungwon met his eyes for a brief moment until he inhaled slowly and kept both of his palms on Hoseok’s calves, meeting his gaze as he spoke.

 

“The doorbell rang and I was quick to open  
For I had waited right behind the door  
The postman brought a package I'd forgotten  
I did not even open it - what for? 

There was a quiet knock, I heard it clearly  
For I had waited right behind the door  
New neighbors said they'd like to get to know me  
The ones you knew are living here no more.

So many silent shapes strode past my peephole  
While I was waiting right behind the door  
Were all these forms and shadows even people?  
It does not matter - none of them came near.

My neck is cramped, I'm tired and in pain  
And still I'm waiting right behind the door  
Please tell me that I do not wait in vain  
Please tell me you'll return to me once more.”

 

It almost felt like the words danced along his skin in the same way the long fingers did. “I kept thinking about you, about the words and thoughts we exchanged, the kisses that burned along my skin. It stayed, even if you left.”

_What if you both feel the same, Hoseok?_

His heart beat fast in his chest as he lifted his palm and reached for Hyungwon's small face, stroking over his cheek, before sinking his hand into the silky, brown hair that tickled the spaces between his fingers. He used the grip to pull the other man closer and leaned in, exhaling against his red lips once, before he melted into them, in a warm kiss, sensation spreading goosebumps all over his body.

Hyungwon followed the tug and placed one knee on the parquet between his legs and one palm on his shoulder as he attempted to keep his balance. Hoseok could feel the other man's slim thighs caressing his own, surrounding him as he moved closer. A gasp brushed over his lips and the brown-haired man kissed back, eyes fluttering shut.

The surges of warmth continued to rain down on him and to cover him in a sea of sensations as his lips moved against Hyungwon’s incredibly soft ones.

“It’s like kissing a cloud,” he whispered between the kisses and let his fingers caress the fine hairs on the other man’s nape.

Hyungwon hummed and squeezed his shoulder once before moving back a little, cheeks spread in a wide smile.

“Your lips are soft as feathers as they dance,” he whispered and sat down on top of Hoseok’s thigh. The handsome man was like a feather himself. “But we are still in my hallway. Don't you want to come inside?”

_You came into his house and kissed him first thing. What is wrong with you?_

Maybe he had really turned gay all of a sudden. At least it would’ve explained the sudden longing to be close to the brown-haired man. God, the change in hair colors confused the shit out of him.

Nodding, he leaned back and licked over his lips, still staring at Hyungwon’s face like a creep. He had thought about the other man so many times during those weeks, but none of his thoughts did the reality justice. He was beautiful.

“Sorry,” he murmured and finally tore his gaze away, looking to the side instead.

“What are you apologizing for? It is the same for me,” Hyungwon replied, still smiling and got up, holding out his big palm for Hoseok to grasp. “How much time can you bless me with tonight, midnight angel?”

“An hour?” he replied and glanced at his watch, counting furiously. “One and a half.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened at that and his smile turned around, mouth corners pointing downwards. The brown-haired man kept his hand hanging in the air while Hoseok still sat on the ground.

“One and a half hours?! What happens after that, do you dance in the rain at 3AM? Holy shit, Hoseok.”

He wished he could dance in the rain, but the night was the only time he was able to compose, to be alone by himself and let his thoughts immerse him under the surface of the stormy waters.

“I'm writing and composing. Three to six,” he commented and let Hyungwon pull him up, almost dragging the other man down with him as he stood up. “Am I stealing your sleep?”

_Of course, you are, why are you even asking?_

“I am more concerned about yours. You have a schedule tomorrow, a radio show at 8. When do you plan on sleeping?” Chestnut brown eyes examined him intently as Hyungwon shifted to return his balance after almost face planting because of their difference in body mass. “Why do you compose at night?”

“Because it's the only time I can think.” Taking off his leather jacket, Hoseok chuckled. “Your knowledge of my schedules is better than mine. Maybe you should manage me.”

Hyungwon laughed loudly at that, brushing through his hair in a nervous gesture.

“Nah, there is just a Twitter account that posts updates on your schedule and what kind of things you do as long as they are known. It's not me at all, I just use other people's information shamelessly.” Licking over his lips, the brown-haired man met his gaze. “I merely _savouré l'instant,_ enjoy the moment while sitting on my swing wearing only a white shirt and letting my thoughts inspire me.”

“Don't you think that I'm weird?” he asked, following the other man to the living room and chewing on his lips. He definitely thought that he was weird.

“Ehm- I just told you that I basically ride my swing naked and think of you and you're asking me if I think you are weird?” Hyungwon chuckled and opened his minibar, taking out a Manchester beer and handing it to Hoseok before grabbing a Sprite for himself. “I think you're sweet, like honey, but also special.”

“What? Why would you sit naked on your swing? Isn't it, I don't know- cold?” He couldn't help the way his eyes widened as he clutched onto the metal can, as if it could help with making him feel less confused.

“It's spring, Hoseok, it's refreshing. Also- I said _almost_ naked, I was wearing this shirt,” the brown-haired man remarked and pulled at the fabric on his shoulders, revealing a collar bone for a second. Chuckling, Hyungwon opened his Sprite and gulped down a quarter of it, pursing his lips at the burn down his throat. “I like everything that reminds me of summer and this does. It inspires me. I can't even count the number of poems I wrote about that time.”

The transitions were instantaneous, in one moment Hoseok felt safe, ready to show himself and to dissolve in the other man's words and gazes, but then, something happened and there was this dangerous tension, something he couldn't control, something he was scared of.

Swallowing a few times, he took a sip of the bitter liquid and walked to the garden, looking for the moon and immediately finding it. It didn't make sense, but to him it seemed as if the moon was more beautiful when he watched it from Hyungwon's garden.

It took a while until the brown-haired man joined him, walking a few meters past him to the swing and sitting down with two books on his lap. Tapping the spot next to himself, Hyungwon smiled brightly.

“Wanna join me and read Shakespeare sonnets or Rilke poems? That's what I do when I don't listen to your music.”

“I want to sit next to you, listen to your voice and watch the moon,” he murmured in reply and sat down next to the other man, thighs touching. It felt really nice, calm somehow. Looking to the side, he observed Hyungwon's profile, his round nose and his big eyes, the curve of his lips and his round chin. His ears were tiny and funnily curved, Hoseok chuckled and lifted his index finger to touch it once.

“Making fun of my ears now, Mr. Dumbo?” Hyungwon commented and brushed a few strands of brown hair behind his ears, smiling a little. “If you like… you can lie down on my lap and watch the moon and I can read some of my favorite poems and sonnets to you. Only if you like of course.”

It took him approximately half a second to bend in half and place his head on top of the warm, jeans clad thighs. Hyungwon barely had time to remove the books. Letting his legs hang over the armrest, he looked up at the other man instead of the moon.

_He said the moon, Hoseok._

“Fuck my life, you look like an angel, Hoseok,” the brown-haired man muttered in disbelief and swallowed a few times before he arranged his books at the side and grabbed one of them, browsing through it until he found a page he liked and rested it on Hoseok’s chest. Clearing his throat, the other man closed his eyes and began reciting.

 

“From you have I been absent in the spring,  
When proud-pied April dress’d in all his trim  
Hath put a spirit of youth in every thing,  
That heavy Saturn laugh’d and leap’d with him.  
Yet nor the lays of birds nor the sweet smell  
Of different flowers in odour and in hue  
Could make me any summer’s story tell,  
Or from their proud lap pluck them where they grew;  
Nor did I wonder at the lily’s white,  
Nor praise the deep vermilion in the rose;  
They were but sweet, but figures of delight,  
Drawn after you, you pattern of all those.  
Yet seem’d it winter still, and, you away,  
As with your shadow I with these did play.[3]”

 

“I like this one,“ he said, glancing at the moon that was covered by a stay cloud. “But I like yours more.”

“You prefer my poems over Shakespeare?” Hyungwon asked and he could feel the other man's eyes on him. Soft fingers reached out and raked through his hair carefully, removing stray strands from his eyes as the weight of the book on his chest reduced. “Thank you, thank you for saying that.”

“I mean, he's amazing, but it's always very individual, what kind of emotions the words are able to trigger. And yours shake me up.” Hoseok licked over his lips and glanced up, watching Hyungwon's face over him, shining, like a golden moon.

“I don't think you will feel that way about everything I have written, but I am so thankful you feel like that. It is the first time that I can give back somehow, differently from the type of support I usually show.” Hyungwon closed his eyes for a few moments before he met his gaze again, licking over his lips. “Arthur Rimbaud has written something that I associate with greatly. It reminds me of when I was fifteen. Please bear with me until the translation.”

Smiling to himself, Hyungwon began reciting, first in French until he translated it into English.

 

“Elle est retrouvée.  
Quoi? -L’Eternité.  
C’est la mer allée  
Avec le soleil. 

It has been rediscovered.  
What? -Eternity.  
It’s the sea fused  
With the sun.[4]”

 

The words were beautiful and even though the poem was short, it triggered a memory, a beautiful, but also a painful one.

“I miss the sun,” he murmured, again overwhelmed by his response to the other man's words.

“Maybe you do because you only watch the moon,” was the quiet reply as Hyungwon tilted his head back and looked up at the night sky. It was deadly quiet, almost like they weren't in the middle of London.

“Not this kind of sun. It's more- a metaphor for an experience, a feeling, a person, all of it mixed into the imagery of summer and warmth. But well, maybe you're also right, I do watch the moon a lot. It feels comforting. It suits me.” His gaze was still focused on Hyungwon's face, even though it was concealed by shadows.

“Then you need to find yourself a new sun, something that evokes the same sensations and feelings, pulling it right back into your arms as if it had never left,” Hyungwon replied quietly and brushed over his cheek with his thumb. The other man remained silent for a few moments, smiling a little when he continued.

“You know, back then, during that particular summer it had felt like the emotions I felt were beyond who I was as a person, like my chest couldn’t contain me and my feelings. I would lie on the wet sand and close my eyes, listen to the waves. It seemed like if I had told the sea what I felt back then it would have crossed the boundaries of water and earth and followed me.”

The air got stuck in his lungs as he stared at the beautiful, brown-haired man with his wide eyes, his hands started shaking at the emotions that he suddenly felt, coming out of nowhere.

“That's exactly how I felt. How I felt ten years ago. I've never felt like that again after it ended.” He exhaled sharply and sat up, rubbing over his thighs in an attempt to return the calmness he had experienced a few moments ago. “Ah, I need more sleep, I'm getting weird.”

_Maybe you should go back there once._

“Funny, I feel the same. Maybe all of us have an emotion we felt in our youth that cannot be rivalled by anything else and we merely try to recreate it over and over again.” Hyungwon sighed and shifted a little next to him. “I regret not going back, but _c’est la vie_. We never have time for the things that really matter. I stopped going once I began working.”

“I've never gone back,” he whispered, remembering how they struggled with money because he started making music and his parents had to support him. There was no money to go on holiday. “But well, maybe, someday. I don't know why I'm so nostalgic. Are you feeling better about your crush?” Hoseok asked, suddenly remembering how Hyungwon told him that he thought about the person while listening to his songs.

The expression on the brown-haired man's face changed as the muscles in his thighs contracted and his hands held onto the swing instead.

“I was, until you mentioned it. It's- it got more complicated and I'm trying to figure out what to do about it,” Hyungwon murmured and covered his eyes with his right palm, leaning back against the white swing. “All of this makes me want to lie on the sand and get all sandy because I carelessly roll around in it, not giving a single shit.”

“Why? Does- does the person like you back? I mean, I wouldn't be surprised, you- you are really cool and amazing company, you write beautiful poems and you-” He glanced at Hyungwon's handsome face. “And you're also very handsome, so I guess you must be happy.” Sighing, he kicked away a stray leaf.

The other man stared at him, not replying for a while as he chewed on his cheek.

“I wish everybody would think that way, but- I happen to have the wrong gender for that person, Hoseok,” Hyungwon muttered and smiled a little, he looked devastated, like at any moment tears would start streaming down his beautiful face.

_It's a guy. He likes a guy._

“Oh- he- he’s into women?” he asked carefully. It was weird, if someone had asked him, he would've also said that he's into women. “But- I mean, he could still- like you, or not? I mean, is it so strict?” At this point, Hoseok didn't know whether he was talking about the random guy Hyungwon liked, or himself.

“Apparently it's bad enough to terminate a friendship.” The other man's voice was barely there as he looked up at the sky suddenly and blinked repeatedly, breaths becoming irregular.

“Oh god, would you also cancel a friendship if- if a friend liked you?” He shifted closer and placed his palm on top of the other man's thigh, not knowing how to comfort him otherwise.

_What if he thinks you're weird for liking him?_

“Of course not!” Hyungwon exclaimed and groaned in frustration. He sounded emotional as his eyes widened and he began talking quickly, eyes appearing a little moist. “It's a dick move. It's not my fucking fault that I like him! I thought it would be more genuine if I told him instead of keeping it a secret and suffering on my own, but- he told me he couldn't deal with it and broke off the friendship, saying he doesn't swing that way and would feel uncomfortable around me. It's like a fucking kick in the face. ‘Oh we were friends, but you know- suddenly I'm uncomfortable so let's ditch all those things you did for me and pretend we don't know each other’. Fuck. He even changed his fucking number, Hoseok. Because of me.”

He stared at the other man throughout his monologue. It sounded hurtful, but he couldn't imagine. He sucked at heartbreak.

_It's just hurtful for you that he thinks about someone else._

“I- I'm really sorry, I don't think it's the right course of action to just run away from it. It doesn't disappear only because you can't see it. It never does,” he muttered, feeling overwhelmed at his own inability to comfort someone. “Oh god, I suck so bad at this, I'm sorry. You should have someone next to you who knows what it feels like and can give you awesome advice and hug you and tell you that you're better than this.”

There was a small smile as the brown-haired man grabbed his hand and squeezed it.

“You're perfect, Hoseok. I don't need anybody to console me, I only need your voice. It has always been enough for me,” Hyungwon whispered and sniffed briefly, glancing up at the sky again. “What keeps you from hugging me?”

“I don't know.” He turned to the side and let his hands travel towards Hyungwon's waist, curling around it hesitantly before he pulled the other man closer against his chest. Licking over his lips, Hoseok leaned in until his lips brushed over the shell of the other man's curled ear. He sang quietly, voice low and almost inaudible.

A shiver passed through the slim body in his embrace as lean arms carefully wrapped around his neck. It was slow, the sensation passing along his forearms and shoulders until it finally settled around his neck and fingers sank in between the strands of his silver-blue hair.

“You always make me soar, like nothing else matters,” Hyungwon murmured and gasped audibly. “I'm sorry for being like this, it's probably no fun to be with me when I'm drowning in my sorrow. I'd much rather be like the sun, a new one that is even brighter than the first.”

“You think I'm here for the fun?” he whispered and placed a careful kiss against the shell of Hyungwon's ear.

“The money on a bet that you wanna lose, babe.  
Quit taking your time making time feel better,” he sang his lyrics into the soft ear.

“I don't know why you are here, Hoseok, otherwise I would have known how to make you stay,” was the quiet reply as the other man attempted to get closer and threw his right leg over Hoseok’s lap, holding on tight.

“I'm here because you are the only one who can cave me in,” he murmured, before gasping at the hot skin surrounding him. “Selfish, right?”

“It would only be selfish if I didn't want you here.” Hyungwon pressed his lips to the crook of his neck, keeping the contact for a few moments before Hoseok felt a warm tongue lick over it. “Maybe I'm the selfish one, asking you to sing for me, embrace me and console my heartbreak.”

_It does hurt._

Suddenly, Hyungwon tightened the grip on his shoulders and climbed on his lap, letting his calves rest on each side of his thighs and his feet dangle from the swing.

“I still think of the song you composed for me, every word is engraved in my mind.”

“I-I am releasing it tomorrow. The video- please watch it,” he whispered, embarrassed that he had forced the editors to put ‘H. It's yours.’ on the black screen in the intro. Like an idiot, god, he should've been embarrassed, but the hotness of the other man's body enveloped him, engulfed him and caved him in until warmth was the only thing he was feeling.

_Feeling. You're feeling again._

 

[1] ‘So We’ll Go No More a Roving’ by Lord Byron

[2] ‘Back To Black’ by Amy Winehouse

[3] Shakespeare Sonnet 98

[4] “L’Eternité” by Arthur Rimbaud


	7. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are like whisky to me, dear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 13th of March at 2 PM CET.  
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Hyungwon was too easy sometimes, too preoccupied with his emotions and the directions they pushed him in. Seeing Jooheon again had hurt, just like the fact that his celebrity crush hadn't bothered to call him. Again.

_Maybe you only matter when you're there._

It was like standing on a rope in between two knives, it didn't matter whether he walked towards one or the other, he got cut in the end.

_But that's not quite true._

There was something naive to Hoseok, like the man with the ocean-like hair didn't really know how to be close, how to engage in conversation and how to show him that he cared. The singer struggled to do it in person, but his words and his voice did it oh so well.

Reading the lyrics that haunted him every waking hour on Twitter, as an answer to his own messages, had felt crazy, like skydiving without a parachute. Of course, Hyungwon had been terrified of showing Hoseok his stan account and all the obsessive things he wrote there, but it was still better than not interacting at all. He needed to respond and reveal himself if it meant he could be part of Hoseok’s life again.

The whole thing blew up with various users asking him who the fuck he was to get an answer. He had merely played along, pretending to believe the official excuse that it was just a one-time thing.

_They don't even know that you were conversing in lyrics to an unreleased song._

It had turned into a game, a game that made him special. It made him the only one. No matter what Hoseok wrote, when he answered there was another message that sounded so much like a reply that was only for him.

_People would call you delusional for believing that._

He couldn't believe it when Hoseok had asked whether there was a spot free next to him on his swing. The disbelief only skyrocketed when his bell rang and he saw familiar bright hair, curved lips and round eyes staring at his white entrance door, looking nervous.

Even now he couldn't really believe it, sitting on Hoseok’s lap and brushing through his beautiful hair while the other man told him that he wanted him to watch his new video. It was almost ironic considering that it there wasn't even a single video that Hyungwon hadn't watched, repeatedly to increase the view count and remember every single clip.

“I can't believe you are asking your biggest fan to watch your video, Hoseok. There is nothing I would rather do.”

_Apart from kissing him._

It was still a little surreal, like the song was a memory and not something that existed in reality and would be released to the public, shown to everybody else.

“I wanted to tell you that it'll be released tomorrow, because- well, because the song was for you,” the other man murmured and let his fingers dance along his lower back hesitantly.

_It's still for you, he didn't forget._

“That's- how you found me, isn't it? Through the lyrics that I wrote back.” Hyungwon smiled at how ridiculous it was to actually get in contact with a celebrity through his Twitter account, the number one platform for being delusional. “You know, if you're tired, you can sleep on my lap and I'll wake you up in time. You would have enough time for a power nap.”

He felt a little bad for stealing Hoseok’s sleep even more, for drowning him in his own problems and emotions instead of letting him relax and breathe properly for the few moments of peace that he had.

“Somehow I'm never tired when I'm next to you. It's either carefree and safe, or dangerous, triggering a fight or flight response.” The gorgeous man looked up, focusing his gaze on his face. “Yes, that's how I found you.”

_What if he looked at all the stuff you wrote?_

Hyungwon eyes widened a little and he hoped that Hoseok only looked at his most recent elaborations and the effect Hoseok’s thighs could have on world peace. That wasn't as bad as some of the other stuff. He had posted pics of his nipples and talked about starting a cult, volunteered to suck his dick and made a thread for his collarbone mole. Fuck.

“You might not be tired now, but you'll probably hate me once you sit down on your motorcycle,” he commented and chuckled. Hoseok’s hair felt so nice between his fingers, almost like the dye caused no damage to the other man. Hyungwon's hair suffered if he did it too often. Brown was one of his typical emotional decisions, dressing in dark colors with brown hair and a penchant for leather.

_You only wore a white shirt because you acted like an emotional teenager when he answered you._

“Also, I'm- I'm glad you answered me even though it blew up. I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't get in trouble because of me,” he apologized and rubbed Hoseok’s earlobe in between his index finger and thumb. It felt like fresh leaves in spring, really soft.

“When you answered me… I was hoping that it was you, I was hoping so much,” Hoseok whispered, before leaning in again, probably to hide his eyes. The familiar voice filled the auditory space steadily. Hoseok beautifully sang two verses about trusting someone, before leaning back and smiling shyly. “I guess that's how it felt. I need to write it down, it could be another song.”

_He just thought that up?_

“Did you- did you just improvise again?” He couldn't help the way his grip tightened and he pulled Hoseok back a little to look at him properly. He knew every O-NO song by heart, even the collaborations, and he had never heard that one. It must have been new. “Holy shit, how can you be this good? Now I want to spam you even though millions of people do that every day. Fuck, watch me write you handwritten letters everyday like four years ago.”

_Why would you tell him that? Oh god._

“You wrote me? I read every letter I've gotten. Did you write your name?” Hoseok asked, licking over his lips and looking up at him as if he was some kind of saint.

_You can't tell him, he'll look for them and read then again and then you'll most definitely never see him again._

“No, I used something else, something a person called me a long time ago,” he whispered and chewed on his cheek. “But it's very embarrassing, I was much younger then.”

“Four years you say. There aren't many from four years ago. I'll look for them when I'm at home.” A bright, playful grin spread the other man's cheeks and he tickled him on purpose.

Hyungwon was just about to lie as the tickling disabled him like an electric impulse and he screamed, jerking at the touch to make it stop and almost falling backwards off the fucking swing.

“Why- are you so adorable?” the silver-haired man asked suddenly, pulling him back on top of his warm lap.

“Oh, shut up, tickling is a sin, it's right between commandment number four and five if you examine the stone tablet properly, I swear,” he babbled and rubbed over his stomach, still feeling the tingling sensation in his legs. “Also, don't look for them, it's fucking embarrassing, I swear. It's me being all… well- twenty-one and dumb.”

“I promise you that I'll find them and read them all.” Hoseok nodded in satisfaction, as if it was something to be happy about. “Did you also send presents? What did you send?”

“No,” Hyungwon said quickly, but it was probably too quick with how his eyes widened and he shifted a little. “Not- many.”

“Uh-huh. Say it.” The pale face came closer and there was something fierce about Hoseok's gaze suddenly, raw and dominant. “What kind of stuff did you send?”

_Why can he do this?_

It was unfair. It didn't even take the other man a second to change his gaze from being emotional, to playful and finally to Mr-fucking-Lee telling him to do as he was told.

His thighs trembled and it was fucking embarrassing, just like the warmth in his face.

“A backpack, notebooks for ideas, the collective works of Shakespeare, Rilke, Murakami and Dostoyevsky, a motorcycle helmet, sneakers, tight pants, various semi-transparent Versace shirts and workout equipment.”

_You're crazy._

“I'm going to give it all back,” Hoseok stated and removed his hands, crossing them in front of his muscular chest instead.

“What? Don't! That's unfair! When you didn't know it was me you accepted them all, but now you suddenly won't? Please don't give it back, I wanted you to have it all. I really did,” he murmured and couldn't help how upset he felt. He had always been excited to see Hoseok wear a present of his, like it was a sign that the other man enjoyed his present and it fit his own taste. “I only... want the notebooks if you wrote and drew random things in them.”

Hyungwon was doing amazing at not seeming obsessive. It was almost magical that Hoseok had even wanted to come back after running away in the middle of the night. Hyungwon would have totally done the same, as soon as he saw the fucking life-size poster. At least Hyungwon hadn't kissed that one. Not while he was sober.

“Are you my sugar daddy, Hyungwon? You basically threw money at me for years, how the fuck am I supposed to not think about this when I'm next to you? Fuck,” the beautiful man whispered and buried his face in his palms.

“Because you were throwing music at me all these years!” Hyungwon exclaimed in defense, gesturing wildly with his hands. “You might not understand but you pulled me out of so many shitty situations with your music! It has meant the world to me since the very first time you performed on TV. I even begged my cousin to invite you because I wanted you to produce more music.”

O-NO had been the source of so much happiness and excitement for him, the reason for getting through many hardships and disappointments. Money was meaningless in comparison, it had always been meaningless.

“I didn't throw music at you, I threw music into the void but then you threw a wad of notes at me, knocking me the fuck out. Plus, do you know how amazing it feels if I know that being invited was not because I deserved it, but because a person who liked me manipulated his relative? You know, I was sure that it wasn't possible, but maybe you can buy me. How does it sound? Good? I'm expensive though. Well- not really, actually I'm from a poor family and can't do shit, covering myself in expensive clothes and riding a fortune to work because people consider my depressive shit something they want to listen to. I'm actually nothing under it, I think it's even worse than nothing, but you should know the product before you buy it, you know?” Hoseok's eyes changed so much, they were full of hurt while the other man spoke and a shiver passed through his body, as if he wanted to run somewhere but couldn't with Hyungwon still sitting on his lap.

_Oh no._

Hyungwon panicked and wrapped his arms tightly around the other man's neck, thighs narrowing in fear that Hoseok would jump up and disappear. He was shaking his head furiously, disbelieving that Hoseok would have such a crooked view of himself, of the things he was capable of.

“You're not nothing. You're everything to me. I convinced my cousin to invite you, but the one who impressed everyone was you and the one who rose with every new song was also you. I don't want to buy you, I would never do that. There is just nothing that I have apart from money. It's meaningless to me but it's the only thing I have. If I had more to give, you would be the one to own it, Hoseok, it would be all yours,” he whispered and gasped at the dread that sunk down his throat and spread in his chest and lungs. It hurt and he only held on tighter, terrified of Hoseok throwing him off and leaving. “I would give you myself if only you accepted it.”

_And that is exactly the reason you get hurt._

“You want to give me yourself? Why, Hyungwon?” the beautiful man whispered, pale face still showing a hurt expression and hands hanging limp at his sides. “You don't know me.”

_He thinks that you know nothing, but you have seen so much._

“All those hours we spent together and talked- did you show nothing of yourself? Was I the only one laying my cards bare?” he asked and swallowed again. The first question was much more difficult to answer, much more difficult to address even.

_Why do you want to give yourself? You always get hurt, so why would you?_

He wanted to. It seemed right somehow. Hoseok deserved it, the other man deserved it for his music, for the hours he had spent next to Hyungwon talking genuinely, for his attempts to console him, for the embraces and for everything that he had done. It might have been different had Hoseok been a different person, a hurtful and abusive one, but he wasn't, instead the silver-haired man was genuine, innocent and affectionate. Hyungwon couldn't help the urge to give him everything there was.

“You didn't lay your cards bare. I did.” Hoseok moved to the edge of the swing, taking him along. It seemed as if the silver-haired man intended on going.

“I like you and there is nothing else that I think about. How can it get any barer than that? I showed you my poems, they are as deep as you can go, Hoseok. You show your music to the world but- but I don't dare do that with my own. Only when I'm drunk or almost crying myself to sleep I show some of the verses I wrote.” The emotions pushed right back and burned in his eyes. He was always so damn easy, getting emotional and unable to argue rationally. There was nothing on his mind apart from his intention of keeping the other man from leaving, at least until he absolutely had to go.

_Like before, he also just left before._

Inhaling sharply and squeezing his eyes shut, he attached himself tighter, curling his legs around Hoseok’s waist and burying his face in the crook of his neck. He felt so small and helpless.

“I love your poems. I do, and I'm thankful that you share them with me. They make me feel- and you make me feel. I don't know what to do about this.” Hoseok’s lips moved next to his ear as the other man exhaled sharply. “What am I supposed to do? You love my music so much and it makes me so incredibly happy, but then I'm next to you and I think ‘What if he thinks you're the person from the poster, the smile from the screen and the words from Twitter? What if he likes something else?’ Honestly? I understand you liking my music, but there is no reason for you to like me. None at all. You say there is, but it just sounds like French to me.”

_He doesn't know your thoughts, you only speak about his music._

“Your music isn't the only thing that pulls me towards you, Hoseok. I like the way you talk and laugh at me when I don't make sense to you, how you are honest and don't lie to me. I loved sitting in the garden with you, reciting poems and talking about your impressions, sharing my concerns with you and having you reply. I loved kissing you for when I kiss your lips it is you and not the music or fake smiles you gift me. There are many things I like about you and you are so much more than the person I thought you were. I believed you to be confident and sure, a flirt even, but here you are blushing and much sweeter than honey could ever be. You cannot even begin to imagine how grateful I am that I'm getting to know you and nobody else, not the person depicted on the posters but you, showing what's behind every word you've written.” He swallowed, scared that his devotion and affection was too much for the other man, terrifying even.

“I want to curl up, but I can't because you're around me,” Hoseok whispered into his ear, hands slowly wrapping around his waist. The other man was hesitant and he could feel Hoseok's palms tremble against his lower back.

“Did I upset you?” Hyungwon whispered back and began to stroke over Hoseok’s hair in calm motions, starting at the top of his head and continuing until his nape. He didn't want to let go, he needed the contact to remain sane. “I- I need this to keep myself from turning into an emotional puddle of tears. Please don't let go.”

“You didn't. You did- but you also didn't. I feel lost and vulnerable and it makes me so fucking scared that I want to curl up and drown. I don't know why I'm doing all this. When I sang about my sanity slipping away, I didn't know how bad it would be.” A few seconds ticked by and he could feel Hoseok's hot lips against his neck. There was a kiss, soft and hesitant, but still a kiss.

Hyungwon gasped against the pale skin of the other man's cheek and opened his eyes, blinking a few times to fight how emotional he felt.

“You… might not believe me, but I am as vulnerable as you are, Hoseok. I know that I am nobody, a solitary face amongst the multitude of people you encounter, but-” He swallowed and slipped closer on Hoseok’s lap, letting their chests touch. “But it somehow feels like I am special, different from the others even though there is nothing I can give you apart from my art. My poems are like a part of my soul that I show and gift to you, something that I can finally give you in return, but there is always a part of me that leaves with them. I'm so scared you will take it but never return.”

_You're scared, but still you give it to him, curling the fingers of his hand around it one by one and waving a part of you goodbye once he leaves, never knowing if he'll return._

“You're not a person like any other. You're the only one I think about. I think I'm going crazy, I won't take things away from you, just- don't give them to me, keep them and be happy. It suits you so well.” Hoseok's voice was low but a little shaky as he spoke, hands tightening on his waist every now and then. “Isn't it weird? Why are we both like this?”

Hyungwon thought about that, imagining how lines of white light kept mingling between them, each part of their souls intertwining and creating a connected whole that was incomplete on its own. Could art be like that? He didn't know.

“Maybe our art intertwined, becoming the medium of our minds to talk to each other when our mouths aren't able to. What you don't understand is that I want to give it to you, I want to give you my art, my mind and my body. Let it be engulfed by the essence of you.” His thoughts felt like they were on overdrive as his hands roamed over Hoseok’s back and entangled in the strands of his hair. He wanted to be as close as possible, to become one entity that conversed without the need of words. “Would you kiss me?”

“If it makes you feel better,” Hoseok whispered, dark-brown eyes watching him intently. There was something in them, as if the other man had thought about something important, but decided not to say it.

_He sounds like it is only for you._

“I- I don't want to do something that you don't want, Hoseok,” he whispered and closed his eyes before pressing his forehead against the other man's. He felt so helpless with the situation, like there was something unspoken he couldn't express.

“You know it's winter somewhere  
But it's summer time right here,” the other man sang quietly, before closing his eyes and leaning back against the backrest of the swing, hands slipping down his lower back and settling on his thighs instead.

“I want to be like summer for you, warm and affectionate, like the sun that plays with your skin,” he murmured and placed a soft kiss on Hoseok’s nose. They were so close, embracing on his French swing in his garden in the middle of the night. It seemed like they were in a parallel reality, away from professions and responsibilities. Like it was always warm in his garden, warmed by sunshine.

“I think-” Hoseok started and took his chin between his thumb and index finger, looking at him intently while he chewed on his lip. “I think you should make sure that your burns heal first.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he watched the serious expression on the other man's face, the way he connected their eyes and held him in place through the simple touch of his chin. It felt like he was frozen.

“The only burn that mattered has healed and you make me forget about everything else,” he replied and swallowed again, feeling his body tremble. It hurt to think of it whenever Hoseok mentioned it, that he would have to work with somebody who had rejected everything about him, be it love or even friendship.

_But what are you expecting of him, Hyungwon? He can't be with you, even if you want him to._

“I'm sorry for pushing myself onto you like this, fuck. I'm sorry,” he exclaimed and blinked again. Sleep deprivation was terrifying and convinced his body that it was justified to cry at every little thing. Even now as he moved back on the other man's thighs his eyes burned with a fresh wave of tears. “I'm such a mess, I'm sorry. I should have kept my hair light to at least keep up the illusion.”

_You're pushing all of your burden on him, as if he can carry it for you._

“You- what? You don't understand! I know that you like him and I see that you're hurt, if you think that me kissing you will help you get over it- fine. But what about me? How am I supposed to feel if I think that you're using me to feel better about some dude who obviously doesn't deserve any of these tears of yours? It would be fine, really. If I didn't feel anything, I would've gladly been your distraction, but I'm going crazy and the past four weeks were hell. I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I suck at comforting and I think I'm not a good distraction either. I just wanted to tell you that the song is still yours.” Hoseok lifted him up until they both stood on their feet and turned around, walking into the house.

_He misunderstood you again. You were apologizing for exactly that._

Hyungwon hated it, he hated it so much how the burning in his chest intensified and he felt liquid running down his cheeks. He didn't want to burden anybody with it but it just happened, independent of whether he was in the position to cry or not.

He entered the house after the other man and rubbed over his face quickly, hoping that he could hide the tears until he had explained himself.

“Hoseok- wait.” His voice sounded wrecked and he wiped over his face one more time before stepping in front of the silver-haired man who was putting on his shoes. He sunk to his knees and took the laces in both of his hands, tying them on his own to hide his expression. “This was the reason I apologized, because I am pushing my own burden on you without considering the consequences. I'm sorry and I'll- I won't bother you with it anymore. I don't want you to kiss me because you want to help me forget, I want you to kiss me for the same reason that I want you kiss you.”

“You're a hypocrite,” was the short answer as Hoseok pulled him up by his shoulders, fingers sinking into his skin painfully. “You think I don't want your burden? I do, give me all of it, pour it all over me, I don't care, I'm underwater anyway, nothing will happen. I won't kiss you to help you forget, but don't act as if you kiss me for a different reason when you said yourself that I distract you from your pain. I kissed you because I wanted to be close to you, because I thought that we shared something special. Because I felt again. Just- I really hope that you won't cry because of him. It's really not worth it. I'm sorry for bothering you at midnight, I shouldn't have.” Hoseok looked even more pale, gaze jumping from his eyes to his lips and back.

“You're an idiot,” Hyungwon sobbed and sank to the ground, palms flat on the parquet and words barely leaving his lips. “I said that you distract me because I want you more, because I feel connected to you and the same thing happens all over again. I want you but it won't change a single thing and I don't want to burden you with my feelings. Fuck. I hate that I'm always like this.” Rubbing over his face furiously he couldn't contain the way his body shook and his breaths became irregular. He got attached so easily and couldn't help how quickly he developed feelings for others. Hoseok already owned a part of his soul with every poem that he had wanted to hear. There was nothing that Hyungwon could do about it anymore.

“Why the fuck would you cry? You can run around doing whatever you like, making people like me think about nothing else, while being confident and purposeful. I don't have my fucking phone and I didn't know how the fuck you saved your name because I only know Hyungwon. Just Hyungwon, Hyungwon and nothing else. It's always the same on my mind, your beautiful fucking face and your gorgeous fucking body and now you're here crying, even though I'm the one who came here at midnight because I’m fucking nuts and can't think about anything else but you, fuck. Kihyun will kill me.” Hoseok groaned, voice low and echoing off the walls of his hallway, as the other man pulled him up again.

He tried to calm down, he really did, but his heartbeat was hammering in his ears and the tears kept flowing at the thought of Hoseok leaving and not contacting him again. It seemed to be his biggest fear, no matter what they said or talked about. The lack of contact was always the worst.

“What-” He sobbed and tried to keep his voice audible. “What makes you so sure that you're the only one like this? How can you know what's on my mind? Every poem I wrote over the past few weeks was about you, you and the way you made me feel, the way you act, what you remind me of and how you look. You thought of my fucking face? Well, I thought of yours and I'm scared you won't come back, so I'll never see it in person again. I can run around and be free, Hoseok, but still I can't just go and see you because you are unattainable to me unless you come on your own, allowing me to see you for the briefest of moments.”

Suddenly, the other man turned around and walked to his sideboard, picking his sticky notes and scribbling something on them furiously. After a few long seconds, Hoseok returned and pulled one sticky note off the block, pressing it against his chest and making it stick to his shirt.

“Here, my phone number.” Another sticky note followed, attaching to his shirt. “Here, my fucking address,” Hoseok whispered before pulling the last note and putting it right on his solar plexus. “You got a song from me and you will get more, what else do you want? Music is all I can do. Just tell me what the fuck you want.” Hoseok dropped the post it block to the floor staring at him, face almost the color of his wall with how pale he was.

Hyungwon didn't say a word and stared at the other man in shock. He hadn't expected the outburst, not at all. It seemed like Hoseok was losing his mind and the fault was his. He had thrown the silver-haired man into a pit of something he wasn't used to and didn't know how to deal with, he had pushed him to kiss and react to him.

_You are making him go crazy while losing your mind and thinking you are the only one. It's not only about you, Hyungwon. You're not the only one getting hurt._

“I want to see you and share whatever it is between us,” he whispered and reached out to stroke along Hoseok’s arm, hoping it wasn't too much and bearable. “I- I hope we can meet like today and sit in the garden and look at the sky. If you want to that is.”

Hoseok's round eyes watched him intently as he cupped the other man’s face with both palms and closed the distance, clashing their lips together, rough exhales leaving his pretty nose. Hoseok moved his lips along his own sensually, tilting his head with the grip on his face.

Hyungwon couldn't help but moan into the kiss at the contact and fell against the wall, only for Hoseok to step forward. His hands remained pressed to the white tapestry for few moments as his eyes fluttered shut and his lips parted to allow Hoseok entrance and to intertwine their tongues. Gasping, he curled them around the silver-haired man's waist, feeling like he was suddenly set ablaze, tears still hot on his cheeks.

The other man came closer, chest and hips touching, as he still held Hyungwon's face, caressing it and licking into his mouth desperately, as if there was nothing else, as if it was the only thing he could do.

_You have both lost your mind._

He whimpered, overwhelmed by the sensations even though they were supposed to be familiar. He was supposed to know what he was doing and feeling, but the shivers that passed through his legs and the unbearable heat between their bodies didn't allow him to form a coherent thought. It was like they had to melt into each other for him to be able to breathe. Like he had to taste and touch the gorgeous man in front of him to return his sanity.

“Please,” he begged even though he didn't know what he was begging for, fingers digging into the skin of Hoseok’s sides and pulling him closer, flush against his body. He was pressed to the wall, but it seemed right, like he only needed the warmth and the knowledge that it was Hoseok in his embrace.

“Please,” Hoseok whispered against his lips and curled his arms around his waist, pulling his body flush against his chest and connecting their lips again. “Please cave me in.”

The words rung in his head and created a melody as words continued from one line to the next, recreating what the man in front of him had sung for him, word for word. It was special and it was for him, written and composed because of the way he was making the other man feel. There was something special that connected them and it was impossible to deny it. It was right there, at the tips of his fingertips and thick in the air, he only needed to reach out and grasp it.

_What are you waiting for, Hyungwon?_

 

*** 

 

He felt his sanity dissipating in between their bodies as he curled his arms around Hyungwon and pressed him against his chest, hearing the sticky notes fall to the ground. He must have been completely crazy to give the other man his phone number, his address and the password to his hard drive with all the music he had ever composed. There was nothing that he could do apart from making himself reachable and show how much he cared, giving the other man the access to his soul.

“Please cave me in,” he murmured, desire to melt in Hyungwon’s embrace more prominent than anything else. Sure, he still thought that Hyungwon liked the guy he had been talking about, the one who had cancelled the friendship and hurt the beautiful, cheerful man with his behavior.

But there was nothing he could do to stay away. Hoseok felt unable to step through the white door, he wasn’t even able to turn away. Instead his hands acted automatically, cupping the gorgeous face while the tears still ran down the golden cheeks and clashing their lips together, whimpering into the hot kiss.

The tension was thick, a sticky mass that pulled him in, not letting him go. He was terrified, fucking terrified, but there was also nothing that he had wanted more.

“I’m sorry, please forgive me, I want you, I do,” he whispered in between the desperate kisses and touches that he kept gifting the mesmerizing brown-haired man.

Hyungwon was affectionate in the way he kissed back, covering his lips with plump, red ones and raking through his hair repeatedly, pulling a little at the strands. The other man was just as unwilling to let go, kissing his cheeks and nose only to turn to his lips and sucking the bottom one into his mouth, pulling at it.

“Shh,” the brown-haired man murmured into his ear as he wrapped his arms tightly around his neck and curled his right leg around his hips, rubbing his calf over Hoseok’s thighs. “It's okay, I want you too, Hoseok, so much.”

He hissed and pushed the other man further into the wall using his hips. His lips travelled along Hyungwon’s golden neck and nibbled on the outline of his shoulder as he couldn’t get enough of the feeling. He wanted to feel everything.

_What if it fades? What if you can only feel it now?_

“If you want me too, then I shall be yours.” He heard his own low voice murmuring the words against Hyungwon’s parted lips before licking into the other man’s hot, delicious mouth. He tasted like lemon.

Brown eyes widened briefly before Hyungwon rubbed his right leg further upwards and let it slip along Hoseok’s behind, curling tighter around his body.

“Stay longer and I- I will be your inspiration instead,” Hyungwon muttered and licked over the small dip that connected his collar bones, following the outline of the left one with his tongue until he nibbled on the skin of his neck and shoulder.

“I will, I will stay. But- don’t take my breath away. Please. Otherwise I might leave,” he whispered back. It felt dangerous, it really did. He had no idea what he was agreeing to. Hyungwon was dangerous, cheerful and vulnerable at one moment, before transforming and choking him with arousal until he could barely breathe.

“How-” Hyungwon chuckled briefly and paused the kisses on his shoulder only to lick inside his mouth again, playing with his tongue. “How can I not take your breath if you take mine?”

“Do I?” He felt his hands quiver again as they moved from Hyungwon’s hips to his waist, feeling the other man’s gorgeous figure. “You are vulnerable now, but you can change easily. I saw it. I feel helpless against it.”

_Because you seem to have no control over what you’re doing._

“Are you afraid of being close, Hoseok? Of touching me?” the other man asked softly and removed one of his arms around his neck to place his palm on Hoseok’s, impossibly hot to the touch. Inhaling sharply, Hyungwon slipped both palms down until he moved them under his white shirt, letting Hoseok touch the naked, burning skin of his side and ribs.

“Fuck,” he hissed, overwhelmed at the burning sensation. Sucking in a long breath, he closed his eyes and let his hand caress the other man’s side, fingers drawing lines along his ribs. “I don’t know, I just feel helpless and unable to think,” Hoseok whispered, chewing on his lip as his hands went up to the other man’s chest, brushing over his nipples. It was so different from touching a woman, but he felt so much more, it didn’t make sense at all.

“Shh,” Hyungwon whispered into his ear again, voice low and breathy as he gasped and closed his eyes for a few seconds. “It's okay, I won't take your breath away, I'll let you decide.”

Chewing on his bottom lip, the beautiful man removed his arms from Hoseok’s neck and placed them above his head, flat against the wall and fingers curling whenever he brushed over one of the erect buds with his fingertips.

Hyungwon's eyes looked darker than before as he watched him and abused his lips, blood red from the treatment. There was a little bit of color on his cheeks that continued along his neck and disappeared under the white shirt.

“You can touch me if you like.”

“You don’t want to touch me?” he asked, biting down on his tongue and hissing at the pain. “How can I be yours if I’m the only one who’s allowed to do something? I’m- I feel helpless, but I also can’t think about anything else.”

Hyungwon smiled softly and reached out with his palm, cupping his face and tenderly rubbing his thumb over his lips.

“I do want to touch you, a lot, but I might steal your breath if I do,” the other man murmured and pulled him a little closer with the slim leg that was still curled around his body. The contact made Hyungwon gasp prettily, right into his face. “You make me want to kneel down for you.”

_Kneel down for you?_

Suddenly the picture materialized behind his eyelids and he let out a low moan, muffling it by biting down on his bottom lip. He felt his face heat up. His reaction was so fucking embarrassing and he wanted to disappear on the spot as his hands started shaking against Hyungwon’s warm chest.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, trying to look somewhere else and hoping that Hyungwon wouldn’t bridge the last few centimeters between their lower bodies and get a full picture of his state.

Suddenly a second palm materialized around his face, cupping it as Hyungwon pulled him into a messy kiss and licked into his mouth, gasping in the process. The leg that was tightly wrapped around his hips, pulled him flush against the other man's slim body, connecting their groins.

“The way you react fucks me up,” Hyungwon cursed and nibbled on his bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth and sucking on his tongue.

“I react because you’re the one fucking me up,” he muttered, moaning halfway through the sentence. He was a mess, pushing his groin into the other man’s hips and shaking at the friction. It was embarrassing and challenged every experience he had ever had before.

The brown-haired man loosened the pull only to push their bodies together again, playing with the friction while kissing him intently. It was easy to tell that Hyungwon reacted the same way, erection straining against his jeans and brushing over Hoseok’s.

Him moaning at the slightest movement of Hyungwon’s body was absolutely unacceptable, so he muffled himself by nibbling on the other man’s gorgeous neck while his hands sunk lower, stroking over Hyungwon’s lean stomach. The other man’s muscles contracted at the way he sunk his teeth into his beautiful skin and he couldn’t get enough. He was lost.

The brown-haired man moaned, low and loud in the spacious hallway before removing one of his hands from Hoseok’s hair and slipping it between their bodies. Hyungwon's long fingers were careful as they travelled over his chest and along his abdominal muscles before squeezing in between them and cupping his groin.

“Shit,” the other man groaned and blinked a few times, dark hair rubbing over the white wall as Hoseok nibbled on his golden skin.

He let out a hiss at the hot fingers between his legs and continued his caresses. Removing one of his hands from under Hyungwon’s shirt, he reached for the first button and undid it, biting down on his lip and asking himself whether he was even allowed to do it.

Hyungwon gasped and tilted his hand a little, thereby making sure to rub over both of their groins while still pulling Hoseok close using the grip of his lean leg around his hips. The other man looked gorgeous as he continuously moaned and didn't bother to hide it, eyes fluttering shut and muscles in his chest and arms contracting.

“Go ahead, touch me,” Hyungwon murmured and thrust against his own hand, adding friction and rubbing over Hoseok’s erection with his fingers.

“You- oh my god,” he whispered, but couldn’t help the way his eyes fluttered shut and a low, desperate sound escaped his lips.

Loosening another button while chewing on his lips, he leaned forward and licked over the other man’s gorgeous collarbone, golden in color and perfectly shaped. He remembered how the other man had undressed for him. Fuck.

“Do you- want to come, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked carefully and stroked over his length with his fingers while throwing his head back because of the way Hoseok caressed his chest. The other man had a gorgeous neck, golden and beautifully transitioning into his collar bones.

“What?” he murmured, taken aback and not sure whether he understood what Hyungwon just said. He leaned back and stared at the other man, licking over his lips.

Hyungwon looked a little more hesitant, breathing heavily and chewing on his red lips with straight, white teeth. His eyes were almost black, in perfect harmony with the dark strands that covered his forehead.

“Do you…want to come?” he whispered and pushed his hips forward, fingers squeezing right where his tip was.

He couldn’t control his response as his fingers tightened in Hyungwon’s sides and he moaned, pressing the other man against the wall with his hips.

“Fuck, why would you ask something like that? I- I wanted to touch you and you- oh god.”

“Your strength drives me mad,” Hyungwon replied with a moan and applied more pressure as he rubbed his fingers along the whole length of his clothed erection and chewed on his own bottom lip, watching him with bright blush covering his pretty face. “I want to make you feel ecstatic.”

“You do, fuck, can’t you see?” Letting out a shaky breath, Hoseok let his hands travel upwards and undid the other buttons slowly, watching how the white fabric parted to reveal the dazzling caramel-like skin, smooth and smelling so fucking good that he barely kept himself from burying his nose in it. As soon as the shirt was completely unbuttoned, he licked over his lips and leaned forward, licking and sucking on the silky texture of Hyungwon’s skin, brushing his wet lips over one of the small, dark nipples, before sucking it into his mouth.

_What are you even doing?_

Hyungwon moaned and he could feel the other man's fingers dig into his shoulder and his body shake at how much he must have enjoyed the sensation. The thigh that rubbed over his hips contracted and the brown-haired man stuttered a little in the motions of his fingers along Hoseok’s erection. They were pulling at the button of his jeans.

“But I can do so much more,” the low voice gasped.

“Oh, I believe you, I do,” he murmured against Hyungwon’s chest before sinking lower and kneeling down. His lips placed kisses on the other man’s stomach and he licked along the waistband of the tight pants Hyungwon was wearing. “I’m just scared that I’ll go completely nuts.” He tried to ignore the way Hyungwon’s erection twitched right in his face every now and then, but it was not possible, especially with his position.

_What are you trying to do, Hoseok?_

“Oh god,” Hyungwon muttered as he stared down at him, eyes widening and fingers shaking a little as he pulled at Hoseok’s shirt, trying to make him stand up again. “No fucking way. That's my spot, if someone's on his knees, then it's me. Fuck, I can't believe this is happening.”

“God, I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, my experiences consist of making out in a tent ages ago,” he groaned and stood up, deciding that it wasn’t the time to explore unknown territories. Watching the other man intently, he curled both hands around Hyungwon’s lean thighs and lifted him up, pressing the dazzling brown-haired man into the wall and tasting his neck with his tongue and teeth.

_You know how to do that._

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed and moaned loudly, grabbing his hair and tugging at it to have him closer. The other man quickly slipped one hand in between their bodies again and pulled at Hoseok’s shirt, attempting to lift it over his head without stopping their kiss. “Your body is unreal, fuck. Throw me against the wall and fuck me up.”

_Oh god._

His breath hitched audibly and he pushed Hyungwon further against the wall, lifting his arms promptly for the brown-haired man to remove the fabric between them if he liked.

Hyungwon was fast and instantly seized the opportunity, throwing the shirt to the floor and attaching his hands and lips to Hoseok’s uncovered skin. Long fingers spread and travelled over his chest and abdomen and teeth sunk into the skin right below his collarbone. It was easy to see how affected Hyungwon was, erection straining against his jeans and bulging out.

“Let me-” the brown-haired man began and attempted to squeeze his hand further in between them until he reached the button of Hoseok’s jeans and undid it easily with only two fingers. “Shit, I want to touch you.”

_Maybe it’s okay if he touches you. He seems to know what he’s doing._

For now, there was no discomfort, no paralyzing fear and anxiety, so he nodded, pressing his naked chest against Hyungwon’s. The difference in their skin colors was dazzling, he wanted to write a song about it.

Hyungwon was chewing his bottom lip and exhaled sharply through his nose as he pulled down the zipper of his jeans and didn't even hesitate before simply sinking his hand into Hoseok’s underwear and curling his long fingers around his erection, applying pressure right where it felt good.

“Fucking hell,” the other man cursed again and rolled his hips forward, moaning into Hoseok’s face while he kept stroking his dick. “You're unreal, fuck, an Adonis.”

“I- Oh fuck, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but where was your bedroom again?” he pressed out, holding back a moan and unable to escape the pleasure of Hyungwon’s skillful hand around his length.

“Straight on, second door on the left,” the other man muttered and sucked on a patch of skin below his ear, soothing it with his tongue right after. The strokes along his length didn't stop as Hyungwon used his thumb to rub precum over his tip, digging into the slit a little bit.

“Please stop if you don’t want me to faceplant,” Hoseok hissed as he stepped back from the wall and walked in the mentioned direction. He had never thought that he’d have to go somewhere with a man in his arms and a hand around his dick. A man’s hand.

_Your sanity wasn’t there in the first place, was it?_

He had no fucking idea, the only thing that he knew was that he wanted Hyungwon. How? He didn’t know, but feeling the other man’s skin under his fingertips and against his chest, just like hearing the gorgeous sounds Hyungwon was making had been enough to know that it was precisely what he wanted.

Arriving at the unfamiliar bedroom, he walked to the gigantic bed and laid Hyungwon on top of it, hovering over the other man and nibbling on his neck. The sheets were black and there was barely any contrast with Hyungwon's brown hair that spread out over the soft fabric. Not even a second passed until the beautiful man curled his legs around his hips and pulled him in between his legs, one hand stroking over his erection and the other tugging on his hair.

“Come here,” the low voice whispered and Hoseok could see how Hyungwon's abdominal muscles contracted whenever he released a breathy moan. “Let me taste you.” The slim man stretched out his pink tongue and traced the curved form of his lips.

“Fuck, taste me,” he breathed out and licked into Hyungwon's mouth, intense arousal clouding his senses.

_It’s as if you’ve never been touched before._

Hyungwon smiled beautifully and kissed him intently before travelling lower, placing kisses all over his neck and sucking on his collarbones. Removing his hand from Hoseok’s pants, the brown-haired man grabbed his shoulders and turned them, easily sitting down on top of his thighs and brushing his behind over his underwear-covered dick.

“You're delicious,” Hyungwon whispered and slipped lower to close his lips around one of his nipples, sucking intently and grazing it with his teeth briefly.

“Fuck, yes,” he murmured and curled his spine, throwing his head back and thrusting up automatically.

“You're sensitive, sweet,” the other man commented playfully and continued with the other nipple, using his hand to rub over the one he had already played with. After nibbling on the erect bud, Hyungwon used his tongue to travel lower, licking along his abdomen and the lines that were visible on his pale skin. Arriving at his navel, the brown-haired man smiled again and dipped his tongue inside while his hands still played with his nipples, stimulating him. “You're such a treat, Hoseok, better than Christmas.

 

“You are white wine to me  
In a glass of perfect shape  
That warms against my hand.  
My fingers play with it  
They are stroking up and down.  
I try to concentrate  
Keep my mind from wandering  
I want you on my tongue. 

You’re whiskey to me, dear,  
Smell like smoke and look like gold  
And once youre in my mouth  
Aromas will expand  
And your warmth will burn my throat.  
You have my insides weak  
Just a sip intoxicates.  
I want to drink it all.”

 

_He wants to take you in his mouth, doesn’t he? Fucking hell._

He moaned instead of answering, body moving like a snake under the other man’s ministrations, as if it had been made for it.

He could feel Hyungwon's eyes on his face as the gorgeous man slipped down and stopped between his legs, rubbing his cheek a little against his covered erection. Giving a hint of a smile, Hyungwon curled his fingers under his waistband and pulled his underwear down before blowing cool air over his tip.

“Gorgeous,” he murmured and licked over his index finger once before pulling his foreskin back and using the fingertip to draw circles over his slit.

“Oh my god,” he whispered and lifted on his elbows to see Hyungwon’s face. It looked unreal between his legs, some sick fantasy, a dream from when he was younger, something that wasn’t supposed to be happening in real life. “Are- are you sure that you- that you want this?” he asked, thighs contracting at the pleasure and voice barely able to pronounce the words. He just wanted to moan.

“There's nothing that I'd rather do apart from riding your lap, Hoseok,” Hyungwon replied and licked over his lips. Instead of covering his tip as he obviously wanted to, the brown-haired man's eyes widened and he focused on the ink on Hoseok’s hip, staring at it for a few moments. There was a change in Hyungwon's face, eyes remaining wide and lips parting. It almost seemed like the tattooed word carried meaning for the other man.

_They do for you._

“ _C’est la mer allée avec le soleil_ ,” the plump lips murmured quietly.

_Just hope that he doesn’t curse_

He could see Hyungwon swallow when the other man's hand curled around the base of his dick and stroked him while he continued to stare. Suddenly a pink tongue began to follow the lines on his hip, lips sucking at the skin right after. “I want to become summer, fuck,” Hyungwon moaned and rubbed his round nose over Hoseok’s skin.

“You are exhilarating. I think all of this is something that I made up, but you’re too perfect. My imagination can’t create something as mesmerizing as you, can it?” He bit down on his lip after letting out a shaky moan at the hot fingers around his length. It felt so good to receive the warmth of Hyungwon’s tongue on his tattooed skin. It really felt like it. Like summer.

Hyungwon kissed his hip and abdomen before he placed a careful kiss to the tip of his erection. Licking over it, he took him into his mouth, plump, red lips closing around the head of his erection and sucking intently.

“Oh fucking hell,” he exclaimed, having no time to be emotional as the pleasure knocked him out like a brick thrown at his face. His sight got blurry and he attempted to hold on, grabbing Hyungwon’s hair in a desperate motion.

The other man interpreted it as encouragement and licked over his tip once before sinking all the way down and letting his erection hit the back of his throat. He could feel Hyungwon's lips touch his skin and the vibrations as the brown-haired man hummed around his dick, playing with his balls at the same time.

“Oh my fucking god, oh god, Hyungwon,” he babbled, curling his back and pulling the other man's hair, probably way too roughly.

_Get a grip._

It was a very honorable thought, but he moaned instead, repeatedly, before he forced himself to open his eyes and stared between his legs. He shouldn't have.

“Fuck, I'm yours,” he pressed out, desire to kiss Hyungwon's red lips that tightened around his length almost unbearable.

The other man moaned around his erection and massaged his balls as he almost let his whole length slip out of his mouth only to sink down again, rubbing his tip over the back of his throat and sucking whenever he could. The rhythm got faster as Hyungwon bobbed his head and whimpered a little, eyes glistening from the effort and hands skillfully exploring his skin.

“You, oh god, I'm so close, I- be careful,” he moaned and tightened his grip on Hyungwon's hair, trying to pull him off to not come into his mouth accidentally.

The brown-haired man didn't let him and merely swallowed around his length, squeezing his tip repeatedly and overwhelming his senses. Long fingers were caressing his thighs and massaging the skin in between his balls, conjuring stars in front of his eyes.

“Don't, I'll come, fuck, oh my god-” He couldn't manage to pull the other man off as his thighs flexed and he groaned, white stars exploding behind his eyes, as he released himself, twitching and trembling at the intense orgasm.

The pleasure was extended like a thin thread that danced over his body as Hyungwon swallowed and continued sucking his way up until it got a little too much, thighs flexing, and he carefully let go, breathing heavily.

“You're beautiful, Hoseok, unreal, like a blessing,” the slim man muttered and curled his arms around Hoseok’s waist, face buried in his stomach. “I don't have any words to describe you even though I am supposed to be good at this. Nothing does you justice.”

Hoseok breathed heavily as his hands curled around Hyungwon's shoulders carefully and he pulled the other man up on top of himself. The brown-haired poet looked beautiful, golden skin combined with red, swollen lips and huge eyes, looking at him with so much affection even though he just came inside his mouth, like a teenager.

“I- I'm sorry, I couldn't hold back,” he muttered and leaned forward, connecting their lips.

Hyungwon kissed back briefly before leaning back and smiling at him.

“Why would you apologize? I wanted you to come. Or did you plan on doing more?” Chuckling, the slim man kissed his cheek and the tip of his nose before pressing their foreheads together. “It's so nice to be close to you, magical even.”

“I- can I touch you too? I'm no good, but you can- don't know- show me what you like?” he asked, feeling like kid in primary school. “I want to see your face when you're feeling good. Really good.”

“It's my pleasure, literally,” Hyungwon answered with a chuckle and used his arms to lift up his body and sit down on top of Hoseok’s abs, fingers easily undoing the button of his tight jeans and lowering the zipper. “Fuck, I'm dying.”

It was crazy how quickly the brown-haired man transitioned from perfect composure to desperation as his fingers shook on their way down his thighs and over Hoseok’s chest.

“I- well- you only have to think about how you do it for yourself and what feels good. It'll be similar with me,” Hyungwon commented and pulled his jeans and underwear a little lower, uncovering his erection and whimpering at the sudden freedom.

He hissed and couldn't stop staring between Hyungwon's legs. The other man's erection was long and a little darker than the skin of his stomach. There was precum on the tip. Hyungwon was completely hairless.

_Why… do you like it?_

He licked over his lips and lifted his hands, placing them on top of Hyungwon's lean thighs. Shaking a little, he let one hand travel upwards and curled his fingers around the hot length, while looking into Hyungwon's brown eyes for feedback. God, he was so nervous, but he liked it. He liked it way too much.

“Tell me if I fuck up, it's the first time I've held a dick that's not my own.”

“Oh my fucking god,” Hyungwon muttered as his lips parted in a soft moan at the way Hoseok grabbed his erection and he rested his weight on his arms which held onto Hoseok’s thighs. The other man's brown eyes were wide and focused on him. “Your face is such a turn on. I- fuck- I'm sorry for just pushing it into your face like this.” Hyungwon tried to slip a little further back on top of Hoseok like he was worried about overwhelming him. “You've never done this before and still you- oh god. You- you only need to stroke along it, a little tighter around the head.”

“I- I like it,” Hoseok admitted, chewing on his lip and moving his hand, hissing at the nice feeling. The other man's length wasn't as thick as his, but it felt really good, especially while watching Hyungwon's face. It was gorgeous. “You're beautiful,” he whispered and stroked over the other man's thigh with his hand before lifting it and rubbing over Hyungwon's dark nipple.

The other man's mouth was parted and shivers passed through his long legs. He was surprised at how erotic it looked when Hyungwon threw his head back and his eyelids lowered while soft moans left his plump lips. Nails scratched a little over Hoseok thighs as the handsome man moved his hips on his own, sliding his erection past the thick ring that he had created with his hand.

Despite the pleasure Hyungwon was watching him, thighs flexing with each motion.

“Can I-” he began and gasped again. “Can I sit on your naked thighs? It would be a fucking dream come true and- ah shit.”

_He wrote about it. You thought he was joking._

Hoseok's eyes widened, but he tried to stay composed and appear nonchalant.

“Do you- want me to undress completely?” he asked and removed his fingers from between Hyungwon's legs, preparing to take off the fabric that was separating them.

“You don't have to if you don't want to!” Hyungwon exclaimed quickly but his erection twitched at Hoseok’s words, like it supported the mental images that the brown-haired man must have had. “Just- just your thighs are also enough, so- fuck- so I can sit on your lap and use my imagination. God, I can't fucking talk and it's the one thing I'm good at.”  
_He took you into his mouth until he basically cried, you can do this much, can’t you?_

Licking over his lips, Hoseok sat up and took Hyungwon’s chin between his thumb and index finger. The other man looked so damn beautiful that he wanted to write a song, but first he needed to make him feel good, to see pleasure on the handsome face and more of the black in the brown eyes. He really wanted to.

“I- I might want that.”

“Fuck, please,” Hyungwon whimpered and bit down on his bottom lip, it looked almost painful. The tall man lifted up and pulled his jeans a little lower to uncover his thighs. Hyungwon's body was shaking and Hoseok could see each drop of precum that developed at the tip of the other man's straight erection. “I want you so much.”

“I hope you will like it as much as you wrote. I’m terrified of being a continuous disappointment for you.” He reached forward and pulled at Hyungwon’s jeans. “Would you-” he started, suddenly remembering the devilish gaze from a month ago. “Would you help me take off my pants?”

He watched as Hyungwon's eyes darkened, brown color almost disappearing as the gorgeous man nodded, crawling lower along his legs and pulling at the fabric. He seemed fascinated by each inch of skin that was uncovered even though he had seen it before, gasping repeatedly.

“You're so gorgeous, you've never been a disappointment to me,” the brown-haired man whispered and stroked over Hoseok’s calves and finally his thighs, fingers dancing over the pale skin.”C- can I?”

Overwhelmed by how much he reacted again, he nodded, watching Hyungwon's face as if it was the eighth wonder of the world.

The slim man pulled his jeans off his long legs and crawled on top of his body before carefully lowering his behind on Hoseok’s thighs, legs visibly trembling and erection twitching. It was fascinating.

_He's naked. Naked on top of you._

“Holy fuck,” Hyungwon cursed and trembled briefly, hands reaching out and roaming over Hoseok’s chest and shoulders. Rolling his hips forward and rubbing his ass over his thighs, the brown-haired man moaned loudly.

“Holy fuck,” Hoseok whispered, watching the other man’s naked body on top of his, as he reached between his legs and curled his fingers around the twitching erection, feeling it pulsate in his hand.

“Fuck me up, Hoseok,” Hyungwon hissed and thrust into his hand, still rubbing his behind over his naked thighs and throwing his head back. It was gorgeous how the other man curled his spine and moaned, holding onto his shoulders desperately. “Please, fuck.”

He had never seen anything like this before. It wasn’t even because Hyungwon was a man, it was crazy in general. People rarely let go so easily and completely lose themselves in pleasure just by moving on top of someone’s naked body. It was a first for him and he wasn’t sure what to feel, besides more arousal crawling up out of nowhere and materializing right in front of Hyungwon’s body that rubbed against his thighs.

“What are you doing to me?” he asked, but didn’t really expect an answer. It would’ve probably been something scary, something he couldn’t understand, something final, meaning that he was doomed and unable to get out of this.

_You spent the last four weeks thinking about him. What’s next?_

Shaking his head at himself, he kept watching the beautiful brown-haired man while the movements of his hand got bolder and he licked over his lips, picking up pace and squeezing the hot length tighter while moving his hand up.

“Fuck, Hoseok, please,” Hyungwon whimpered and moaned loudly, throwing his head from side to side and shaking on top of him, thighs flexing and loud sounds of pleasure echoing off the walls. The other man seemed so unaware of what was happening around him, scratching over Hoseok’s thighs that he held onto while thrust his hips up, still rolling them repeatedly. “I'm losing it, I'm so fucking close, please.”

He gave his best, moving his hand over Hyungwon’s dick while he couldn’t help thrusting up a little to gain at least minimal amount of friction.

Hoseok loved the sounds, he loved them so much, Hyungwon’s beautiful, low voice, his moans and the begging words, he felt as if it was too much, but still not enough. He wanted to hear more.

“Come for me,” he whispered out of nowhere while he felt Hyungwon’s erection twitch in his hand.

Suddenly, the gorgeous man screamed and tensed, muscles in his whole body contracting and length twitching in his hand as Hyungwon released himself into his hand, semen running down his knuckles and dripping on his thighs.

“Fuck, fucking hell,” Hyungwon cursed and attempted to catch his breath, hands still buried in Hoseok’s thighs and erection twitching once in a while.

Hoseok shouldn’t have been doing it and he, most of all, shouldn’t have been liking the way Hyungwon’s length felt in his hand, how the other man looked when he came, how he moaned and how his hot skin felt against his own thighs. Even the way the warm release dripped down his hand. He shouldn't have liked any of it.

_But you do._


	8. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer ends at some point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 15th of March at 2 PM CET.  
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It felt quiet suddenly apart from the sound of the wind that punched against the windows and raindrops that played their own melody, creating dissonance when Hyungwon tried to listen to everything at once. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been awake at five in the morning and sober. The two things never really co-occurred for him.

_It always feels like this after somebody leaves, aren’t you used to it yet?_

Maybe it was the side effect of growing up in a big family, constantly surrounded by cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and finally his own parents that ran around and constantly argued, yelling through the gigantic house and chasing him around to finally stop daydreaming, writing pointless words in a notebook and getting dirty.

It was almost funny how those three things characterized him the best.

Hyungwon felt the sudden urge to just go and let himself fall into a gigantic puddle of mud, to forget about how lonely it suddenly felt now that Hoseok had left and all the words that danced in his mind but couldn’t arrange properly. There were so many things he wanted to say and to express about the other man, but only when they were really close did the words make sense. As soon as he was alone it was just a disarranged mess that yelled at him to run in different directions, never really coalescing.

Sighing, he opened the door to the garden, almost gasping at the strong wind that hit him in the face, ruffling up his white shirt that was still unbuttoned and blowing it behind him. It was already April, but still it felt cold with the drops of water that covered him and resembled small crystals of ice against his skin. He wanted to be summer, but he felt cold so quickly.

_Summer. Like the tattoo on his hip._

The word had been beautifully written along Hoseok’s hip bone, disappearing under his clothing and only visible when the other man was naked. Hyungwon regretted that he would most likely have very few opportunities to see it again. Sudden hooking up happened to be a one-time thing even when there was so much attraction between two people. Hyungwon met quite a few men that were excited about being close to him, mesmerized by his waist and whatever and moving on to something a little more exciting afterwards. He wasn’t upset about that or anything, but new was always more exciting.

_He has never done it before, Hyungwon. Of course, he is shaken by his sudden attraction towards a man._

It was a little dangerous. Toying with first experiences was always dangerous. One could never tell what it was, the new feelings, the first attraction or genuine affection. Right now, Hoseok was mesmerized by him, suffocating from the desire to touch him, to listen to his poems and be close, but opinions could change, feelings could change just like the weather.

_Summer ends at some point._

Maybe that was the reason Hyungwon was never awake in the middle of the night unless drunk. His thoughts dropped into the depths of the ocean, much like the songs that he enjoyed listening to.

_Minhyuk told you to stop already._

Hyungwon chuckled and walked forward, ignoring the stormy weather and stepping on the wet grass. It felt amazing under his toes, a little bit like wet sand if he closed his eyes and used his imagination. He didn’t need to have his eyes open to find the swing, hands curling around the wooden mounting and leading him to where he enjoyed sitting, be it rainy, sunny or stormy like it was now.

It felt amazing, simply sitting on the swing like a few hours ago and feeling the raindrops on his skin. His jeans were getting soaked and wet, but he didn’t really care. He only wished he had worn more appropriate attire for the image in his head, simple shorts and a t-shirt, nothing too complicated.

_You should show him someday, how amazing it feels._

His mind jumped from one memory to another, thinking about the way his feet had looked on the sand, remembering the last year he had been at the real ocean, strolling over the beach on his own because there was never anybody his age.

_Except for that one year. You weren’t alone then._

There had been a boy, a little older than him. Hyungwon had been just as hopeless back then, falling in love at first sight, as soon as he saw him sitting on the sand with a beer in his hand, staring at the ocean like he always did.

He chuckled at the blurry memory. It was a nice one.

It was difficult to tell how long he sat on the swing, getting soaked to the bone and feeling shivers pass through his legs and his arms, fingers almost white. The sun wasn’t rising yet, so it couldn’t have been that early yet.

Sighing again, he made his way back into the house. The ground created squelching noises at each step because of the water that had seeped into it. He was probably leaving muddy trails throughout his hallway, but he had tomorrow to clean them up, to remember what it had been like and maybe use it as inspiration for a poem. Something from his own life again instead of the lives of others in small unknown villages and valleys.

After washing his feet in the bathroom and rubbing a towel over them, Hyungwon recognized something yellow lying on the ground in the hallway, a few sticky notes. A few seconds passed until his eyes widened and he remembered, scurrying over and picking them up like his life depended on it. There were three sticky notes, one with various digits, one with an address in London and another one that was just one single word.

_Summer-child._

His heartbeat picked up for no reason as he stared at the single word. It wasn’t special in itself, nothing that should have scared him or caused his heart to jump out of his chest. But here he was, staring at it and feeling the blood rush in his ears and seeing his fingers shake, almost dropping the small note. He didn’t understand what it meant, why Hoseok would know it or even write it down. The other man had seemed utterly unsure which letters were his and couldn’t have known what the nickname meant to him. It was his, but nobody knew, not even Minhyuk.

It was strange looking at the writing on the small note. it almost felt like there was a voice in the back of his head, boyish but low, speaking the word over and over again with a smile. Hyungwon didn’t know what to do, sitting in the middle of his hallway on his calves and staring at a small piece of paper with a single word on it, beautifully written like with the hand of an angel, each motion careful even though Hoseok had hurried, scribbling furiously.

It must have been one of those mysterious evenings, the ones when memories played a game with him, sticking their heads through the crack in the door only to pull back just when Hyungwon began to call out to them. Some mysteries were meant to remain unsolved.

Only when a darker path appeared on the small sticky-note did his eyes widen and he rubbed over his face quickly, feeling the warm sensation of tears. It was the same all over, just like at the concert hall, back then when Hoseok had sung Back to Black. There was a voice calling him ‘summer-child’, a smile, sand, loud waves and his own loud laughter, penetrating through his head.

_Are you forgetting something, Hyungwon?_

_  


Hyungwon was right back to his usual self, sitting in his office with a locked door to make sure that nobody walked in and staring at the clock on his computer screen. It was almost 6 PM, the time that O-NO always dropped his new music.

He had already drunk coffee with Minhyuk and discussed his rather complicated life and why he looked like there was way more makeup on his face than usual. Well, that was a courtesy of no sleep and the necessity to look just as good as he normally did. The beautiful illusion of constancy.

He felt like a teenager with how he sat on his black leather chair, turned from side to side and clicked refresh on YouTube because he wanted to see as soon as the video was uploaded. There was exactly one minute left, one minute until he would hear the complete version, with accompaniment, of the song that Lee Hoseok had composed. For him.

It sounded like he was lying to himself to feel grand but it was what Hoseok had said, with his own mouth, telling him that the song is his.

_It’s for you._

The blood was rushing through his ears as the clock hit six and he refreshed another four times because the staff never managed to get their timing right. Finally, the small, new window appeared and he clicked on it as fast as he could. He was the fifth viewer but that was still pretty good, only a small hit to his pride.

_You are mental, the song is for you, shut the fuck up._

He turned up the volume and squeezed the headphones closer to his scalp, staring at the screen. There was pure black until a few white words appeared, simple but grabbing his heart and turning on a candle right under it at the same time. It was really simple, it only said ‘H. It's yours.’.

_It’s you, he dedicated it to you and even wrote it in the goddamn video._

It was him, it was obviously him and Hyungwon wanted to rip his office door open and scream it at the first colleague he met, but he couldn’t because rumors and because delusional and all those rational reasons that he gave exactly zero shits about. His breaths were ragged and he wanted to dance with his fucking chair and body roll in his office to the first few notes.

He listened to choir like harmonization until it started playfully, just like the way Hoseok had sung it for him. It was smooth, pleasant to listen to and warmed him up like the first rays of sunshine would, like a warm drink in his hands in winter, a mixture of both at the same time.

The other man’s voice was beautiful, mesmerizing, everything he had ever wanted. Hyungwon wasn’t able to pull his eyes away from the screen as it showed the beautiful silver-haired man sleeping before he opened his eyes and the camera travelled upwards shooting him from above. Hoseok was lying on a grass field, wearing a loose white shirt and crazily ripped jeans.

The chorus came and Hoseok curled his pale, muscular arms around himself and looked to the sky as he sang. It was heartbreaking and Hyungwon chewed on his bottom lip, holding his breath. A few more verses followed as it got dark in the video, stars surrounding the beautiful man as he walked over the grass field before turning around and staring at the lens for about ten seconds, gaze intense and piercing through his soul until it turned dark.

_Holy fuck._

He felt empty suddenly, like the quiet was eating him up as he stared at the screen and covered his face with his palms, disbelieving how emotional Hoseok was able to make him. Actually, nothing was happening, it was Hyungwon, in his office, alone, on a typical Thursday apart from the fact that he hadn’t slept. But here he was, basically crying because the person he cared about the most had dedicated a song to him and looked like he was falling apart in the video. The thought was ridiculous, but Hyungwon wanted to go where Hoseok was and embrace him, make sure he didn’t feel as devastated and emotional as he had looked in the video.

_It was weeks ago, get a grip._

It might have been, but Hoseok had come to his apartment the night before, only to tell him about the release of his video and that it was for him. The emotions he saw in the video couldn’t have disappeared into nothing.

He still wanted to scream, to write something and tell everybody that he felt special because the song was for him. There was no real way to do it unless-

Hyungwon grabbed his phone and opened his stan account, typing ‘It’s for H, bitches. H stands for hoe and that sure as fuck is me. I’m living,’ he typed and sent it off, hoping that Hoseok only looked at his replies and not the general shit he wrote. Oh god, that would have been embarrassing.

He was just about to re-watch the video when his notifications blew up, phone vibrating and not stopping until he turned it off and stared at the stuff he got as an answer.

‘You bitch knew the lyrics, fucking HOW?’, followed by ‘he replied with the lyrics to you because you KNEW’ and finally finishing with ‘OMG ARE YOU DATING?’

_You wish._

Hyungwon threw his phone to the side and tried to think, eyes jumping from the screen with Hoseok’s gorgeous face to his phone and back. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t really bullshit much apart from pretending that he either pulled them out of his ass which was impossible, or say that he got it from somebody who hacked Hoseok which was also ridiculous. It was a mess.

_Fuck this, don’t let them ruin your happiness._

Hyungwon muted the tweet and checked whether Hoseok had posted anything even though he didn’t have to because he had notifications on and would have known. It sucked because he wanted to tell the gorgeous man how amazing it was, how happy he was about the song and that he had almost cried in his office chair behind a locked door because he was a hoe and couldn’t miss the release.

_You have his fucking number, why don’t you call?_

Hyungwon swallowed and stared at his phone again, this time for a different reason. He had no idea how busy Hoseok was and whether he was filming or recording or doing anything important, but it was still worth a try, wasn’t it?

Grabbing the device, he remembered how little shits he usually gave and looked for ‘Mr fucking Lee’, which he saved Hoseok under as to not be suspicious. Not hesitating any longer, he clicked the call button and pressed the device to his ear, feeling like he was just about to faint.

“Yes,” was the short reply, voice low and dominant.

It was so unexpected that Hyungwon dropped his fucking phone, device hitting his armrest and ending up on his carpet. Cursing profoundly, he grabbed it and pressed it to his ear again, heart about to jump out of his chest.

He really sucked with dominant low voices, he got all giddy. And hard.

“Hi- Ehm- Hoseok?”

“Uh- yeah?” It was Hoseok, who had obviously no idea who was calling.

_Talk or he'll think you're a stalker, god._

“Ehm- it's me.” _Who me?_ “Hyungwon.” He swallowed again and hoped that his hands would stop shaking. Calling somebody had never been this hard.

“Oh, hey, Hyungwon.” He could practically hear the smile through the phone line. “Did you watch my video?” Hoseok asked, going somewhere judging by the background noises.

_Don't rant._

“I did, it was amazing, Hoseok,” Hyungwon began, following his own advice until it somehow failed dramatically. “I was somewhere between wanting to cry and doing smooth body rolls on top of my chair, but neither would have done your song any justice, so I spent ages staring at the dedication and wondering if I'm high until I realized that it's real and I'm not. Then I got all sad because I couldn't tell you that you almost made me cry happy tears until I suddenly remembered that I actually have your fucking phone number. Fuck. _Je t'aime tellement c'est fou_ , you're the best.”

“I- Oh my god, thank you so much I was so nervous about whether you'd like it, it means the most to me. Actually, I'm composing a new one and wanted to record it tonight. Do you- would you like a spoiler?” Hoseok's gorgeous low voice asked him through the speaker. It felt intense to only hear the sounds of the other man's voice, without seeing him in person, his smile or his facial expression. Weirdly enough he had seen so many videos and shows that he could almost imagine the face.

“I- I'd love to, Hoseok, really,” he murmured quickly and had the sudden image of a stalker fan hacking herself onto their conversation and listening in, but it was ridiculous. “It's only me right now, in my office, at work, because I'm a hoe.”

“You're not, Hyungwon. Listen well,” Hoseok murmured before clearing his throat and humming a beautiful melody before the words poured down on him. They were beautiful and obviously about their encounter at midnight. Hoseok sang a hymn to his heart before leaving him in the quiet again.

Hyungwon swallowed and listened to the breaths on the other end, trying to synchronize them with his own as his body reacted with emotions, affection and yearning welling up out of nowhere. It was so different when he couldn't see Hoseok, like every word was twice as intense.

_Maybe it is the same with your own words._

“There is a restless cat in every heart  
That claws at solitude and feasts on art.  
Mine does not like its cage this bleak and narrow.  
It paces, I can feel it tread my marrow.  
But when your voice is near and shakes my frame  
My cat just purrs and suddenly it's tame,” Hyungwon recited and closed his eyes, fading out the feeling of the leather chair against his back and the sensation of his own jeans-clad thighs under his fingertips.

“I wished there was nothing between us,” Hoseok whispered barely audibly, soft exhales the only hint that he was still on the other end of the line.

“Me too,” he replied and swallowed deeply, refusing to open his eyes. It seemed like it would break the moment and pull him right back to where he was instead of right next to the other man. If his eyes remained closed, he could imagine that Hoseok was right there, only an arm length away, no more.

There was nothing again, before he was enveloped in Hoseok's dazzling voice, sounding quiet and intimate. The beautiful man sang for a while and swallowed audibly on the other end of the line.

“There is no place I'd rather be, than the paradise your voice leads me to, Hoseok,” he whispered and inhaled deeply, overwhelmed by the meaning of the words that passed through to him, echoing in his mind and stealing his breath away. “I miss you already, even though I just saw you in the early morning hours of today.”

“I'd only sing for you, if I could.” The reply was so quiet that he almost missed it. “Well, I think you'll have a better aesthetic experience if you look at my poster today, I couldn't sleep, so I look like shit. Like really. Marcia told me she'd need twenty minutes longer to make my face seem normal.” Hoseok chuckled lowly. “But now I have your number too.” Again, he could nearly see the smile materialize in front of his inner eye.

“You do,” he whispered and felt his own smile spread across his face. It was probably time to change his hair again, maybe. “By the way, may I introduce you to the wonders of bb cream. I haven't slept either, but I have this magical cream that costs a fortune but turns a zombie into a hot, young man. Like me.” He giggled and crossed his legs, throwing his head back on top of the backrest of his chair.

“You have to give me something nice, it's not fair, now that I think about it, I only have your phone and your address, whereas you have those two and my hard drive password. Please don't tell Kihyun he'll kill me. Seriously.” Hoseok laughed but it was probably still true.

_He gave you the password to his hard drive, the one with all his music. It's summer-child._

The meaning of the word suddenly became apparent, but why the other man used it wasn't. A small hope was that his letters had left an impression, but Hyungwon doubted that very much. Hoseok hadn't really remembered them.

“Don't you already have the key to my heart?” he murmured and wanted to slap himself for being cheesy again, he couldn’t seem to help it. But it was mostly true, he had shown Hoseok so many of his poems and did whenever the silver-haired man asked, it was basically free entrance to his soul, to everything he had.

“Don't know, I might have tried knocking once, but I think it's occupied,” the other man's low voice replied before he could hear someone’s voice in the background.

_Jooheon, he means Jooheon._

“I have to go back, Hyungwon. I loved listening to you talk and to those beautiful poems, I hope that you'll have an amazing day. Please get some sleep.” Hoseok said his goodbye quickly and hung up, not even giving him the chance to say that he felt the same if not even more, because the song was dedicated to him.

_He opened his heart to you, giving you the key to his soul, but yours is occupied._

It was so difficult to understand his own emotions, his attachment towards the people that left and the ones that suddenly appeared and filled out the space.

_But it's not the same because Hoseok wasn't sudden, he has always been there, but differently._

The silver-haired man had been part of his life for years, but only now had he been graspable, real, somebody that occupied even more space and gained importance in his life. Not even an hour passed without Hyungwon thinking of the other man. It seemed like there was nothing else on his mind, but as soon as he left his office and encountered a familiar smile and dimples that only got deeper at the sight of his face, the small cut in his chest that seemed meaningless ripped right back open.

_It's like it doesn't want to let you get on with your life and keeps stepping on your heart with a boot and turning the heel._

Hyungwon didn't want it, he wanted to let go and be free. He wanted to be the one to decide who he cared about and who he wanted to give his heart to, he didn't want it to be occupied, not by someone who didn't deserve it.

But it was so difficult to let go on his own, to abandon the feeling that returned to him at the thought of how it was, how he had talked to the cheerful rapper and spent time together as friend, before the redhead considered him unworthy as a friend because of his affection and sexuality.

_And here you are thinking about it again, as if there hadn't been months in between._

It must have been the loneliness, he was attached because he felt lonely, hating the idea of nothing and therefore yearning for the little bit of something even though it hadn't been worth the pain. He needed to abandon the loneliness and not the feelings. It couldn't be that there were feelings left, not after all this time.

_It's the memory of the feelings, nothing else._

Hyungwon had to lock them out and give away the key, to somebody who would keep it safe.

Only he didn't know who would.

_

 

Hyungwon’s head was lying flat on his office desk when there was a knock on the door, followed by the instant opening of said door like the person in question hadn’t been interested in knocking in the first place.

_Minhyuk._

“What is this Shakespearean tragedy, are you going to forsake your family and jump out of the window while screaming whatever one of the guys that died screamed?” his best friend remarked and was eating an apple loudly, sound obvious without Hyungwon lifting his head from the table. The other man was probably spraying juice all over the place with each bite.

“If you mean Hamlet, he didn’t say anything particularly grand apart from wanting Fortinbras to become the king of Denmark,” he murmured in reply and rubbed his lips over his clothed forearm. It was distracting and felt kind of nice.

_Definitely better than the shitshow that is your work and the one thing you used as your escape._

Days had passed and Hyungwon had somehow been absolutely convinced that people would get bored with accusing him of being O-NO’s secret girlfriend with a not safe for work account and an unhealthy obsession with his thighs. It was ridiculous how quickly people turned on him and kept writing him shitty messages full of insults and accusations that he should have shut up and stayed hidden if he is so fucking proud of his achievement. It was ridiculous and he was too old for such childish games. It was still upsetting, but mostly because some of the accounts he had used to get information blocked him, just like that, like he was suddenly not part of the fandom but some despicable human being that had committed a horrendous crime by citing unpublished lyrics back at the artist. They didn’t even consider that Hyungwon was a guy.

_It’s like a gang of bullies once you make a mistake._

“What the fuck is Fortinbras? Sounds like some fancy ass wonder bra that makes breasts look twice the size, like a damn fortress,” his best friend commented and giggled loudly before slapping his back. The impact forced him to choke on his own spit as he coughed roughly.

“I am disappointed, my mom would curse you out in French right now.” Hyungwon lifted his head and smiled a little. It felt good to see Minhyuk, especially at the end of a work day. Those were the best.

“As if she needs Fortinbras for that. I can already hear it, ‘ _Mon dieu_ , _Minhyuk, quelle indécence’_ ,” Minhyuk reenacted dramatically and pulled at Hyungwon’s arm to force him to stand up. “Come on, let’s go to some god forsaken forest and listen to the birds or whatever it is that you love doing. No reason to mope around and miss your twitter life. You are cool now.”

‘Cool’ was a nice way to reformulate ‘excluded’, but Hyungwon went along with it. He was happy that Minhyuk offered to go somewhere all on his own. The blonde man had brought fruit this time, masses of grapes and apples like they were going to live in the forest for a few days. Well, at least Hyungwon could survive a couple days in the forest with only a few fruits. It was probably different for others with a broader build. Like Hoseok.

He hadn’t seen nor talked to the silver-haired man in a while. He had called Hoseok again the day before but nobody answered. It must have been luck when the busy singer had picked up last time, having enough time to sing something new for him and listen to a poem. It had been amazing, like dancing in the rain.

“Come on, stop thinking,” Minhyuk urged and pulled at his arm again, forcing him to stand up as his friend grabbed his bag for him. It was sweet somehow, had he not been unmotivated that is.

_Just go, maybe you will feel better. Get some inspiration that is not Hoseok for once._

The forest wasn’t too far away and relatively easy to get to, especially the area that Hyungwon enjoyed. It had gotten much warmer again and sitting on the grass eating fruit was going to be one of the best feelings ever. He had a favorite clearing that was covered in flowers in the spring, surrounded by gigantic trees that, if you could look at it from above would resemble a solar eclipse. Bright colors and darkness all around it, in the depths of the forest.

_You have to show Hoseok someday._

The thought excited him and kept him occupied all the way through rush-hour traffic jams, filled highways and the almost empty road that led to the forest. Minhyuk was cheerful and singing along to every song on the radio and Hyungwon joined in whenever it was something familiar. That is until Cave Me In came on, starting with the soft harmonization and grabbing his heart with a fucking fist and squeezing repeatedly. His reaction was ridiculous because the Twitter thing wasn’t Hoseok’s fault and not seeing each other was also not Hoseok’s fault. Hyungwon had everything, he had the phone number and he had he address, he only needed to call or go there.

_But you only have courage when you’re drunk or really desperate._

The song kept playing and Hyungwon remained quiet, staring straight ahead and thinking about what he actually wanted apart from stealing away Hoseok’s precious time and reading poems for him until sunrise. It sounded so childish, different from what he usually wanted from people.

“‘H’, that was you, wasn’t it?” Minhyuk asked suddenly when the last few notes of Hoseok’s gorgeous voice echoed through the car.

_He watched it._

“Yeah,” Hyungwon replied quietly and drove into the forest on an unpaved road. He slowed down and made sure to avoid random stones or tree parts that could have damaged his car.

“Holy shit, so it’s actually true. You knew the song from before, because he dedicated it to you? Thank god they don’t know that ‘H’ is you, that would have made it even worse, oh god. I can’t believe O-NO dedicated a song to my obsessed gay friend, wow.”

“Don’t talk like you can actually tell anybody, Minhyuk. You can’t, he’ll get a shitstorm,” Hyungwon insisted and sighed loudly. It was such a mess and it was easier when they had stayed away from Twitter and talked by suddenly meeting at random places, like cave cafes.

“Right now, you’re the one with the shitstorm. If I was you, I would go there and cry around instead of rubbing my face over my office desk. Go to him and be like ‘I hate everything, they keep insulting me and now I can’t obsess over you anymore, so let me do it in person please’.” Giggling, Minhyuk added ‘with my tongue’ and tried to slip further towards the window to avoid being hit by Hyungwon’s palm. He didn’t manage.

_You tasted him with your tongue already._

Hyungwon swallowed and didn’t reply, focusing on the road and attempted to stop thinking about how gorgeous Hoseok had looked, utterly overwhelmed and shaking under him. The silver-haired man hadn’t been in control of his strength as he pulled Hyungwon’s hair repeatedly and moaned loudly, sounding almost more beautiful than he did when he sang. He had never touched a man before, not until Hyungwon rode his thighs and came all over his hand.

_You are obsessed._

He really wanted to go there, to suddenly pop up in front of Hoseok’s door like the other man had done and sit in his kitchen with a cup of coffee at midnight and talk about whether Shakespeare had actually written a death scene in which the character had said anything relevant or dramatic. They could also discuss a Rilke poem, or he could simply read his own and listen to Hoseok hum new melodies to him. Hyungwon wanted to do all of that, but it he didn’t even know if Hoseok would be home. He didn’t know his schedule anymore, not properly and reliably.

_But you could try, what is stopping you? If he’s not there you go back home and write him a sad poem over WhatsApp._

“Whatever you are thinking, I can smell you pussying out all the way over here. What are you afraid of doing again?” Minhyuk asked and groaned before turning up the music because the radio show had decided to play ‘Toxic’ and his best friend loved that song.

The blonde man was being a little unfair there, Hyungwon was damn close to turning the car around and driving all the way out of the forest and to the apartment of a famous dude, like a secret lover in the night. It was gonna be late once he got there, especially if he wanted to go home beforehand.

“Going to his place,” Hyungwon murmured eventually and pressed the brake, stopping in the middle of the forest and hating it when things were complicated.

“You have his address and you _don’t_ go? What is wrong with you? You think he’s amazing, spend awesome evenings together talking about poems or whatever and now you’re all worried? Listen, you dressed up, wore a transparent shirt and had glitter all over your eyes when you met him for the second time, what is your fucking problem?” Minhyuk stared at him with wide eyes and pulled out his phone before clicking through it rapidly until he grinned and pressed play on an audio file.

_There he goes._

Hyungwon already knew what it was going to be, so he chuckled, remembering perfectly despite the embarrassment that would inevitably follow.

A few seconds passed until he heard his own voice, obviously a little tipsy as he exclaimed that nothing would ever stop him from becoming friends with O-NO if given the chance and if he’d pussy out he was totally going to wear a dress to work, a pink one.

“I remember,” he chuckled and put the car in reverse and backed out of the forest. “I can’t believe I am doing this because of a damn pink dress.”

“You’re allergic, Hyungwon, you’ve always been,” Minhyuk exclaimed with a laugh, waving his arms to the sound of Britney on the radio. “Will you drop me off around King’s Cross? I wanted to meet someone later tonight.”

_Plans over plans._

“Sure,” he replied and sighed again. He should have been angry but he was happy somehow. He really wanted to go, to finally see Hoseok again and listen to his voice in person, the gorgeous low hums and lyrics, see his look of fascination when he listened to one of his poems and ask him about the gorgeous tattoo on his hip bone.

_You only need to free your heart._

And he definitely had to change, god.

 

***

 

“Who is it?” Kihyun’s strict voice ripped through the pleasant silence as he tried to write down the new song he had composed. In two hours. That was a new record.

“Who is who?” he asked back and played the melody again, recording the notes.

“OnoSHoe. Who the fuck are they to know the lyrics to your song? And you answered. I thought you were just trying to be funny, but it looks like a fucking love confession on Twitter. A love confession to an account that wanted to ride your thighs to gain inspiration and to suck your dick to save their life, Hoseok. What the actual fuck? It’s not funny, it’s a PR hell if we don’t take care of this properly.” His manager closed the distance and curled his fingers around his hand that tried desperately to play the keyboard instead of answering the questions.

H _is life should be saved now. Maybe that’s why he did it, sucking you off and riding your thighs._  
  
His face heated up despite the bitter undertone of his thoughts and he shook his head at himself before turning to Kihyun.

“Is there any way to make sure that the people stop bothering this person? I saw that there were so many, really nasty messages and mentions, I really hate it and it’s my fault for answering,” he murmured, feeling really bad about being the reason for Hyungwon’s misery. The other man had called the other day, but he couldn’t pick up and afterwards time had passed, so that it had gotten weird to call back. He didn’t.

_Maybe he doesn’t want you to. He’s probably still heartbroken, just because you dedicate a stupid song to him doesn’t mean that he’ll come running to you._

Hoseok had no clue why he had wanted Hyungwon to run to him in the first place. The events from their midnight adventure seemed so far away, magical and unreal. The reality was that he was O-NO, a celebrity. A celebrity who caused a person, a fan, to have difficulties because of his irresponsible behavior.

_Why are people so obsessed?_

“Are- are you fucking kidding me, Hoseok? You want to protect the person? You better not mention her anywhere or she’ll have a hell of a life. Don’t be stupid, just tell me who it is and what kind of relationship you have, so I can take care of it quietly without much fuss.” His manager’s eyes narrowed and he squeezed his arm painfully.

_He’s kind of right, isn’t he?_

“It’s- it’s a friend,” he murmured and flexed the muscles in his forearm, forcing Kihyun’s fingers apart.

“A friend. A _friend_? The ‘I fuck you against the wall’ kinda friend? I thought you and Anna had this thing going on. She must’ve tried to reach you too. God- what are you even doing, Hoseok? I don’t want any drama, not now. Not when the song went platinum.” The last words were accompanied by a bright smile as Kihyun pulled out his phone and held it into his face. It was the total number of sales.

_Holy shit._

“I- oh my god, this is fucking amazing. And- the friend, it’s not a ‘fuck you against the wall’ friend, it’s- it’s a guy friend, Kihyun.” His eyes widened at his own words and he pulled his arm out of the other man’s hold.

“What? You know that this doesn’t make any sense, right? He was thirsting for your thighs and-” Something in Kihyun’s face changed as his arms fell down at his sides and a deadpan expression materialized on the familiar face. “He’s gay, isn’t he? Oh god, Hoseok, be careful with this, okay? I know that you’re straight and a little reasonable, but he’s a hardcore fan. Never tell him your phone number or your address and definitely don’t show him any of your songs, it might get uncomfortable and don’t meet him in public either.”

_Oops._

“Uh- he’s a really amazing friend, I like him a lot, he writes beautiful poems and- he supported me ever since my first song, Kihyun. He won’t do anything stupid. He- he’s just supportive.” Hoseok didn’t sound very convincing, even to himself. The main reason for it had been the fact that Hyungwon liked someone else and he was a fucking fool not knowing anything besides messy brown hair and chestnut colored eyes, thick, red lips that read beautiful words in a soothing low voice.

_You are so hooked. So fucking hooked, fuck. Don’t tell him. Don’t tell anybody._

“I’ll trust you. He should delete his account. Tell him yourself if you don’t want me to contact him,” his manager whispered and stroked over his hair, as if recognizing his thoughts and trying to comfort him.

“I will. Thank you. Thank you so much for always taking care of me,” Hoseok whispered back and smiled at the grey-haired man. He was the only person in this world he could trust and who had seen him at his worst.

“Make sure that he doesn’t- doesn’t show you any movies or anything similar.” The mention forced adrenaline into his system and he sucked in a long breath, trying not to think about what Kihyun might have meant.

_Don’t think about it. Don’t._

Panting loudly, he remembered the effect of adrenaline on his body and closed his eyes, replaying the words his mother’s friend had told him.

_It’s only your mind, Hoseok. Nothing will happen. Nothing will happen, it will pass.  
_

_

  
Beer wasn’t enough. It definitely wasn’t, but that’s what Bombay Sapphire Gin was for and Hoseok was incredibly thankful for the third of the blue bottle that disappeared steadily as he kept playing the new song. It was beautiful. Beautiful, but also a little embarrassing because it was true. The words sung in his voice kept repeating in his head, accompanied by images of golden, naked skin, red lips and big eyes that looked at him with an affectionate gaze. Maybe that had been the reason for him to fall this deep, because of those eyes that looked as if their owner understood him, his pain, his songs and his thoughts, all of it. Making him want to take the other man’s pain and make it his.

There he was, drunk, after a semi panic attack and listening to his own songs about making the event manager who had organized his concert get over his heartbreak by giving his pain to him.

_This is a new threshold, Hoseok._

Suddenly he felt the vibration of his phone, sensation passing all the way through to his thigh. It was incessant, like a call at midnight always is.

Finally managing to pull it out of his pocket, cursing at the tightness of his shorts, he stared at the display for a few seconds and tried to process what was happening.

_‘Cave me in’. Why does it say cave me in?_

A few more moments passed until he opened his mouth as wide as he could as realization dawned upon him and he picked up, almost throwing the thing to the side. His hands were shaking so much.

“Yes? Hyungwon?” he asked, sounding like a teenager waiting for a call.

“Hi- Ehm. Let's assume that you don't have a normal apartment, but one with a scary security dude that is twice my size and doesn't want me to ring your bell, thinking I'm some groupie. Ah, that might also be my fault, I dolled up. Anyway, if I was indeed - hypothetically - in front of your door, would you open up?” Hyungwon's voice sounded low and quiet, almost like he was worried about talking too loudly.

He was drunk, so the only thing that came to his mind at that moment was his own song.

“Why don’t we open up, babe, why don’t we open up,” he sang, before realizing the other man’s words.

_He’s here. He’s downstairs._

Slightly flabbergasted, he jumped up, throwing his keyboard to the side and running to the console on the wall and pressing the acceptance button.

“Yes, I accepted, you can tell him to let you in,” Hoseok murmured, still pressing the button, even though once had been sufficient.

“Oh, okay. Oh god, I mean- thank you. See you in a bit.” There was a rough exhale and another curse until the other man hung up, quick beeps sounding in his ear.

Hoseok felt his heartbeat pick up as he curled his fingers around the door handle and pushed down, before looking down on himself.

_Oh no._

He was wearing tiny black shorts that Kihyun considered to be underwear and nothing else. The attire was definitely acceptable for drinking alone, but not for getting a visitor who had ‘dolled up’. Fuck.

There was the familiar ‘bing’ sound of the elevator and the smooth slide of the doors opening until his eyes met Hyungwon’s big ones, staring at him in surprise. The other man’s hair was the same tone of brown it had been before, perfect for his chestnut brown eyes. It was clear what Hyungwon had meant by ‘dolling up’ at first glance. The tall man was wearing tight, completely ripped jeans that showed almost all of his thighs, medium-high boots, a see-through tank top in black and a leather jacket on top. There was a little bit of color under and above his eyes, making them appear even bigger than they already were, complimenting dark red lips.

“Now that’s my type of shorts,” Hyungwon commented and smiled, playing with his hands like he was a little nervous. “I hope I’m not- disturbing you, at midnight, which I probably am. Fuck.”

“I’m-” he started, wanting to say that he wasn’t disturbed at all and that he had thought about the other man. All day and all the day before and the day before and that ‘Cave Me In’ had gone platinum and that it was the first time that someone else besides Kihyun and his friend with benefits had visited him at home. “I’m drunk and half naked,” he said instead and closed his eyes. It couldn’t have gotten worse than this, so he stepped back and opened the door for the other man to come in.

“Splendid,” Hyungwon muttered as his eyes widened even further and he entered, leaning against the wall of his hallway and began to undo the various buckles and straps from his boots. There were several rings on his fingers, reflecting some of the light that shone from the ceiling. “I had two glasses of wine and I’m not half-naked. Do you want this to be fair?”

“Wh-what?” he asked in shock and slammed the door shut, not caring about waking up anyone as he was alone on the tenth floor. “Why did you drive if you drank two glasses? Holy shit.” Hoseok stepped closer to make sure the other man wasn’t injured or anything, even though it was fucking stupid and there was no reason for Hyungwon to be injured because he drank.

_What’s wrong with you?_

“I am irresponsible and drove really slowly,” the brown-haired man replied and shrugged with his shoulders. “Also, I was most likely freaking out because of coming here and used liquid courage to overcome my childish fears. I should write a poem about that, quote Disney songs and shit.”

“I also freaked out and drank way too much Gin, but I also recorded a song, I can show you. I’m doing and saying all kinds of embarrassing things, so I might as well just continue,” Hoseok murmured and crouched down, trying to help Hyungwon with the laces of his boots. He might have managed, if he didn’t look up the other man’s barely clothed legs and stopped his gaze at his crotch for no reason. “I shouldn’t untie shoelaces when I’m drunk.”

Hyungwon laughed and opened another strap before wiggling his slim leg out of the black boot, smile remaining on his lips.

“You should see me when I am drunk. I always dress like that but mostly strangle myself with the ribbons on my shirts when I try to undress later at night. To be honest there is nothing I would enjoy more than listening to your new song. I am sure it is breathtaking. Did you write it drunk? I can’t write shit when I’m drunk, it only sounds like a bad copy of everything I read.”

“I wrote it after coming back from your place,” he said, rising back to his feet without falling forwards. He was proud of himself. “I can write when I’m drunk, but it turns out really dark usually. So dark that I don’t really want to show anyone.”

“Oh,” Hyungwon commented while shaking his second boot off. It looked a little ridiculous as the brown-haired man held onto the wall with one hand and shook his leg by holding onto his calf with the other. “I also write poems I never show anybody sometimes. Mostly when I am sad and lonely, but then I also feel like sharing, so I would have to feel really shitty to hide away with my feelings. I guess I like to throw them around for everybody to see and pick them up, like fucking freebies.”

“I like freebies like this.” Hoseok closed the distance and helped the other man take off his boot. They were both ridiculous and he needed more Gin. “Let me drink some more,” he murmured and waddled towards his studio room, finding the bottle and taking a sip from it without bothering with a glass. It was nice because his heart was beating slowly and steadily, like a slow drum.

“What respectable manners, Mr. Lee,” Hyungwon commented, following him, and held out his hand, smiling brightly. “Will you let me have a sip? I like that one. Usually with tonic, but well. No, and berries, tonic and berries.”

“It’s-” He stared at the ceiling in thought, before turning to the beautiful, brown-haired man that he had successfully avoided looking at. Damn. “It’s all somewhere in the fridge.”

“Don’t bother, Gin is Gin,” Hyungwon replied, voice similar to the way he read out poems and reached for the bottle, taking a sip himself before hissing at the way it burned down his throat. “Wow, that’s why I like tonic.”

“I like that it’s bitter.” Smiling, he pulled the bottle out of the other man’s hand and took another sip before placing it on the desk next to his monitor. “I’m sorry for the Twitter thing. I think that you’ll have to deactivate your account. That’s what Kihyun said.”

“I thought so, but- well. I’ve had it for a long time, attachment and all, you know? Smart me is perfectly aware of this being a shitshow and that deleting my account is the best thing I can do, but at the same time it feels like giving up. Like all those stupid bitches bullied me into deleting it.” The brown-haired man pulled his slim body on top of Hoseok’s desk and wiggled his legs a little, pouting at his own words. “I hate giving up.”

“I’d never tell you to delete it, if it’s not something that you want. It’s just- I’m so sorry for answering you. Actually, I’m not because that’s how I found you and your account and read all the funny and slightly creepy things that you wrote about me in general and my thighs and- well other parts in particular. But I’m sorry for the response and that it makes you uncomfortable. I’ll- I’ll just show you my song, before I say more irrelevant stuff. But wait- I should wear something, oh my god,” he babbled, turning around rapidly and walking towards the hallway.

“I don’t mind! Only if it makes you comfortable,” Hyungwon yelled after him, but remained on his desk.

“It feels weird,” he murmured and ran into his bedroom, almost face planting on the carpet, before he grabbed a black shirt and pulled it over his body, returning to the studio room right after.

“So, let me show you.” Hoseok sat down on his big grey chair and rolled towards the desk, opening the hard drive. “Summer-child,” he pronounced while typing the password to access the music.

“Why- why is it summer-child?” the man sitting right next to him on his desk instead of a chair asked carefully, long fingers resting close to where his own were.

_Because he made you feel free._

“There was a person like that. A long time ago. It still means a lot to me, even though it’s been ages and I’m probably long forgotten. But it shaped me and- summer-child is the reason I am who I am right now. O-NO who’s making music. For you,” he murmured and clicked on the folder with new music, selecting the file ‘HW 3’.

Hyungwon merely hummed, staring at his own thighs and chewing on his lips.

“It’s impressive that you have met a person like that,” he whispered eventually and glanced up, finally locking his gaze with Hoseok’s as the music began to play.

He smiled, nodding at the other man’s words. He was thankful, he really was, independent of the pain that had come after they had parted and of the fact that they had never seen each other again after that one time in summer 2008. His expression changed as soon as the words started filling the studio space. He got nervous, so nervous about the things that he sang and the feelings that came to the surface while listening to his own voice. Chewing on his lips, Hoseok watched Hyungwon intently, fingers pulling at the skin of his hand until the last note sounded and the silence resumed.

“I- I don’t know what to say,” Hyungwon muttered quietly and didn’t show his expression, eyes wide and staring at his own knees that he kept rubbing over, long fingers sliding into the big rips on his thighs. “It’s beautiful, so much more than beautiful. There are never words that do your art justice, that is why it is art in and of itself, it does not need words to describe it. Your voice does it all on its own.” The other man inhaled sharply and chuckled suddenly. “To be honest I am fighting with myself to not cry like a little baby again because you care so much.”

_Oh god, he will feel burdened and then you’ll have the same thing happening to you because he will think that you can’t be friends._

His brain was fast supplying him with terrifying scenarios and he sucked in a breath, waving his hands in front of him furiously.

“No, no please don’t feel burdened by this, it’s- it’s just a song and I’m drunk and it’s okay, you don’t have to think about this much,” he murmured, looking to the side and searching for a good argument as to why the song wasn’t that important.

_Maybe you should close the folder first, with the other six songs._

“I wrote something too, but it is very different. It was- I hoped you could see what I see,” Hyungwon muttered and licked over his lips, fingers remaining under the thin fabric of his jeans, mostly rubbing over his naked thighs.

“You did? Please tell it to me.” He felt more at ease now that the other man wanted to show him something too and he used the moment to minimize the window of the open folder.

He could hear the sound of Hyungwon swallowing as he raised his gaze and met his eyes, licking over his lips once before he began speaking, voice steady and low.

 

“How can people in the street  
Just let you walk by?  
Can't they tell who it is they meet,  
Does something cloud their eye? 

Are they not blinded by your halo  
Does your smile not glow?  
Does through their life no sudden gale blow  
For them, does time not slow? 

Do they not hear below your voice  
The songs of thousand birds?  
There is more beauty in these cries  
Than in a poet’s words. 

And on your lips are countless thoughts  
Which I would like to taste.  
Share them, please let me take notes  
They must not go to waste.

You say that I hallucinate  
That this is love and lie  
But when we met I saw it straight  
I did not pass you by.”

 

It was quiet until Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and continued talking. “You aren't just a person to me, Hoseok. There is so much I can see.”

“It-” he started, but his mouth felt dry and he licked over his lips in an attempt to return the moisture. “Oh god.” His hands shook a little as he rubbed over his thighs, trying to suppress the urge to connect his lips to Hyungwon’s gorgeous, red mouth.

Swallowing, he looked up, staring in the other man’s chestnut colored eyes purposefully. “What- what do you see if you look into my eyes?” he asked, licking over his lips once again.

Hyungwon watched him intently, big orbs jumping from his eyes, to his mouth, examining his features intently until they stopped at his gaze. The other man slipped closer on the desk, moving in the direction of his body until he was not seated at the side of him, but almost in front of him, pushing his keyboard to the side.

“There- there is a clearing I enjoy, a small spot that is covered with flowers and fresh green grass, the dream of any painter with the almost rainbow-like colors that intermingle in that one small space. Around it are mostly trees, grown close to each other and thick, almost like a wall that is located around it. The color of your eyes is dark, almost black whenever I look at you, but it seems like it is just like that clearing, harboring every bit of light and brightness there is and protecting it from the darkness around it. Looking into your eyes makes me feel like that, like I can be in this small safe place, away from everything dark that surrounds it,” Hyungwon whispered and reached out with his right leg, stroking along Hoseok’s knee carefully.

“You feel like summer,” he whispered, suddenly remembering the feeling of walking on the wet sand next to the black-haired boy with the golden skin. He couldn't recall everything, not at all, but something was similar. The way the cheerful summer-child had seen something behind the wall of darkness that surrounded him.

_Maybe you're not so delusional after all._

“Thank you. Thank you so much, Hyungwon,” he whispered, feeling hot liquid running down his face as he stared at the beautiful, big eyes that managed to see so much more. More than he was able to.

“Shh, Hoseok, please don’t cry,” Hyungwon whispered and slipped down from the desk, curling slim arms around his neck and pulling him flush against the tall man’s warm, flat chest. Not even a second passed until long fingers were brushing through his hair, stroking over his head repeatedly. “Why would you thank me for saying the truth?”

“Because you can see something that I can't and it means the world to me,” he whispered, curling his arms around Hyungwon's slim waist and pressing the beautiful man closer. “You make me feel as if the summer came back to me.”

“I have to show you, I thought of it today while driving there and stopping in the middle of the forest. I want you to see the clearing, Hoseok. It’s beautiful in the sunlight. I am sure you will love it.” The low voice continued talking, describing the clearing to him and all kinds of flowers that were growing there, the bright colors and the freshness of the air. Hyungwon’s fingers didn’t stop stroking over his head in the process, holding him as close as possible.

“I couldn't stop thinking about you. I wrote another four songs and at this point I'll bring out an album and name it Hyungwon. I- god I'm so sorry for crying, oh my god.” He leaned back and rubbed over his face furiously, only making it heat up more, in addition to the semi see through shirt that revealed Hyungwon's lean stomach and navel piercing.

“Listen, you are talking to the king of randomly bursting into tears. You cannot top me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon replied and chuckled, playing with the blue tips of his hair. Suddenly the big brown eyes widened and the brown-haired man pursed his lips. “Not in crying I mean.”

_In what else?_

“Still. I- I want to kiss you so badly, but you must be still feeling bad, I'm at this point where I'm not even hurt that your mind is occupied with someone else, I'm just happy that you're here. Just forget I said all this, I'm drunk.” God it was a shitshow, he couldn't remember when he had cried last. He was more the curling up and seeing himself from the outside person.

“There...isn’t another person occupying my mind, Hoseok. There is only a memory, a painful one that refuses to leave unless there is something to take the empty space. It’s like stale air that fills a room and needs to be forced out by something else.” Hyungwon swallowed and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s forehead, lips hot against his skin. “I only thought about you, about the song you wrote for me, the way you sang for me on the phone, the sound of your voice and how it feels like there is nobody but us when I close my eyes. You want to kiss me? There is nothing I would rather do than kiss you.”

The brown-haired man released his hold on him and grasped his chin with his index finger and thumb, tilting his face upwards. “May I?”

Hoseok nodded, unable to remove his gaze from Hyungwon's dazzling face. He could have written a thousand songs, just about the way the other man's big brown eyes looked at him, how there seemed to be a world full of beauty, hurt and emotions, flowers and sea, sand and hot rays of sunshine, making him feel the warmth that transcended between them even without a single touch. Sure, he may be delusional, imagining something that wasn't there, but his emotions were, taking his breath away so quickly.

_He's special. The only one._

“Only kiss me, if you like me,” he whispered against the other man's lips.

There was a gorgeous smile that spread Hyungwon’s mouth as he nodded softly and his eyes turned into crescents. Leaning down, plump, red lips finally met his own, impossibly soft and tender as the brown-haired man’s big eyes closed and he melted into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Hoseok’s neck.

Hoseok exhaled sharply and leaned forward to deepen the kiss, desperation seeping through every cell of his body as he stood up without breaking the contact and pushed Hyungwon against his desk, making him sit on top of it, moving everything else to the side. The noises didn't disturb him as he licked over the thick, red lips, sucking the bottom one into his mouth.

The other man's clothes weren't thick, so he could feel Hyungwon's hot skin under his fingertips as he let his palms travel along the gorgeous back, drawing the brown-haired man's spine with his fingers as if they were brushes.

Hyungwon gasped and spread his legs before pulling Hoseok in between them, lips constantly searching for contact with his, licking into his mouth intently. He tasted a little like wine, sweet bitterness remaining on his tongue. Long fingers were quick to play with his hair and slip under the collar of his shirt, caressing the naked skin of his shoulders and back.

“I guess it's my turn to cave you in,” he whispered against the other man's thick lips and licked into his mouth again, tasting and exploring, sucking on his tongue and exhaling sharply.

“W-what?” Hyungwon muttered and whimpered a little at the way their bodies were flush against each other, increasing the heat of their skin. “I- I have another poem for you, I changed it in the last moment because I didn’t want to scare you with my thoughts.”

“Give it to me,” he murmured, heart hammering in his ears as he sucked on a patch of skin along Hyungwon's gorgeous neck.

The beautiful man gasped as he arched his head back for a few moments, moaning quietly at the way Hoseok licked and played with the skin of his neck. Opening his eyes, there was a brief shudder that passed through Hyungwon’s legs as his eyes darkened visibly, focusing on him.

 

“In my opinion, you’re too far away  
Step closer dear, come drift into my sway  
My lips are what you should obey 

I see your breath is growing quicker.  
Come see my breath, it burns like liquor.  
Your inhibitions flicker 

My lips are not a threat  
At least for you, not yet  
Like this: unmet 

So don’t be shy  
You should try  
‘Cause I 

Don’t judge  
So touch  
Me.”

 

_Fuck._

The words were enough for him to feel goosebumps spread all over his skin and let his nipples harden at the thoughts and images that immediately filled his mind.

“I want you,” he breathed out and clashed their lips together, licking into the other man's mouth and pulling Hyungwon's lower body against his own.

There was a gorgeous low moan that echoed through the studio as the brown-haired man pulled at his hair to have him closer and whimpered into his mouth, long legs wrapping around his middle.

Hoseok fucking loved the sounds. The room was made for Hyungwon's gorgeous moans.

“I want you too, we’re fucking crazy,” Hyungwon cursed and bit down on his bottom lip before rolling his hips forward and trembling at the way it felt.

“I am- I am crazy. Let me touch you, I want to touch you,” Hoseok heard himself say, voice low and demanding instead of the begging that it actually was. His palms slipped under Hyungwon's shirt and he hissed at the feeling of the other man's hot skin under his fingertips. He was losing his mind.

“Please do, fuck, please touch me,” the beautiful man muttered and pulled him even closer through the grip on his hair, leading him to his neck and the tender skin of his collar bones. “I can't believe you've never done this before, I'm just- fuck.”

“Once, in summer, a long time ago,” he whispered and licked over one of Hyungwon's beautifully golden collar bones before kissing upwards and sinking his teeth into the skin of the other man's shoulder.

Hoseok was burning, his heart threatened to jump out of his chest as his tongue, lips and teeth explored Hyungwon's hot naked skin, beautifully golden and shining in the dimmed light of his table lamp.

No matter what was going to happen, there was nothing that he wanted more at this moment.

 


	9. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I would thank him. And I would sing Back To Black. Only for him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 17th of March at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

The way his mind struggled to hold on to the thoughts that developed with every passing second was familiar. It was almost like the burst of adrenaline and excitement that he had felt whenever he jumped from a cliff into the ocean, panic rising at how high it was but endorphins catching up quickly as soon as he broke the surface of the water.

Hyungwon felt similar now, heart beating fast and mind a blur behind his eyelids. The words of his own poem were echoing in his mind, the way he had felt when he wrote it, mesmerized by the gorgeous appearance of Hoseok’s body and the way the other man reacted to him. Even now he wasn’t the only one losing his mind as pale hands travelled over his waist and back, pressing him further into the desk and curved lips nibbled along his shoulder and collar bones, evoking desperate moans that Hyungwon didn’t bother to contain.

It was exciting, just like jumping off the cliff into the water, not knowing what was going to happen as soon as he broke the surface.

It hadn’t been planned. Hyungwon hadn’t planned on pulling the beautiful singer into his embrace again and melting under his fingertips, it hadn’t been his intention at all.

_But it still happened because you are obsessed. You cannot resist, Hyungwon, you never could._

Hyungwon felt Hoseok’s low voice vibrate against the skin of his chest, telling him that he had only been close to another man once, in summer.

“Let me bring it back for you,” he replied quietly and moaned again as Hoseok’s lips brushed over his right nipple. There was fabric in between, but it didn’t matter, not to him as his back arched and his eyes fluttered open, focusing on the beautiful ocean-like hair. “Let me be summer.”

“You are,” Hoseok whispered before leaning back and pulling Hyungwon's shirt over his head, lips immediately attaching to the skin of his chest.

Being in the intimate atmosphere of Hoseok’s sound studio, the one place where the silver-haired man poured his soul into his music, was overwhelming. The hot body under his fingertips that he attempted to have even closer by pulling at strands of his hair and wrapping his legs tighter around him, was burning him up from the inside. Hyungwon didn’t even know what he was really going for, but the sensations were already hitting far too close to home.

“You too,” he forced his lips to pronounce as he pulled at the fabric until Hoseok finally pulled it over his head before moving right back between his legs. His hips were at the edge of the desk and he slipped further back, dropping something to the ground that was hopefully not as valuable as everything else in the room. He couldn’t fucking think.

“I want to breathe you,” Hoseok moaned, tongue licking over his collarbones and lips closing around his nipple. The other man's strong hands grabbed his body and pulled him closer, determined and desperate at the same time. “I want to have you for myself, to taste you.”

“Then do, fucking do it, Hoseok,” Hyungwon hissed and bit down on his bottom lip to contain another desperate moan that shook his body from the feeling of teeth grazing the erect bud. Fuck. He wasn’t good at containing himself, not at all. He just jumped right into the fire, into the sun like an idiot. “Please, shit- burn me the fuck down.”

Dark, almost black eyes looked up from under the sea-like hair and Hoseok undid the button of his jeans, pulling down the zipper and sinking his teeth into the skin on his stomach. The other man's hot tongue travelled down from his navel, before he could feel another sensation of mild pain due to the sharp teeth that kept nibbling on his skin.

Hyungwon let go of Hoseok’s shoulders and held onto the edge of the desk, knuckles turning white from the force that he used to remain in place as his body trembled and brief sparks of white danced behind his eyelids with each tiny red line that appeared on his skin only to fade away again. He could barely breathe from the way Hoseok looked at him, the same blackness that had driven him insane back then, in his bedroom even though nothing had been happening apart from gorgeous round eyes eating him up.

His lips remained parted wide as he breathed through his mouth and stared down, chest rising and falling rapidly and legs spreading a little wider the lower Hoseok moved, grazing his skin with his teeth.

“Oh god,” he gasped and closed his eyes for a few seconds, feeling his erection twitch right in the other man’s face before he opened his eyes again and attempted to stay focused instead of begging incoherently and throwing his head back. Shit.

“I want to taste you,” Hoseok said, voice low and demanding. The other man’s pale hands curled around the top of his underwear and pulled it down and he could see Hoseok’s tongue licking over the gorgeously curved lips.

_Holy fucking shit._

“S-sure, go ahead,” Hyungwon stuttered quietly, eyes wide as he stared down at the other man and tried to contain the urge to just thrust into Hoseok’s face like a fucking teenager.

Instead, he tightened his grip on the edge of the desk and closed his eyes for a few seconds, calming his rapid breaths and begging his composure to stay where it was.

He felt Hoseok’s fingers close around his length, applying pressure as the other man was watching him intently. A few seconds passed before Hoseok went down on his knees and licked over his tip carefully, circling the connection between head and shaft and teasing the sensitive head.

_He must have watched you._

Hyungwon gave up and threw his head back, moaning loudly at the image in addition to the sensation and hoping that he was going to remain on the desk as he was supposed to. His legs were shaking already and the stupid ripped jeans didn’t allow him to spread his legs wider. His nails scratched over Hoseok’s desk as he glanced down again and almost choked on his own spit. Fuck.

Hoseok kept watching him from under his blue bangs before the perfectly curved mouth closed around his tip and began sucking on it harshly, one hand grabbing his thigh to keep him on the desk.

Hyungwon failed to contain the way his hips stuttered and he slipped forward, biting down on his tongue to contain the almost-scream that left his lips. This was simply mind-blowing. He wanted Hoseok to hold onto him tighter and scratch over the inside of his fucking thighs while sucking him off. His mind was going places and so were his hands as he removed the right one from the desk and pulled at the gorgeous silver-hair, gasping the other man’s name repeatedly.

“I’m fucking melting,” he hissed and licked over his lips quickly right before moaning again, pleasure centering in his groin and causing goosebumps to appear all over his legs. “You can grab my thighs tighter, just do what you want, fuck.”

Hoseok must’ve liked the idea as he felt another hand on his left thigh. Suddenly the other man pulled him against his mouth, using the grip on his legs and almost letting him slip from the desk. The action let him slide further into the other man’s hot mouth. It felt as if Hoseok was moaning around him, sending vibrations through his dick as his lips tightened even more.

Hyungwon was having a fucking out of body experience as he didn’t even feel it when his head hit the desk and he let his back drop down on top of stuff, a hoarse, low scream leaving his lips and hands grabbing Hoseok’s that held onto his thighs. His vision was almost completely white as he whimpered and kept pulling his thighs together from the intense sensations and sinking his fingers in between the silver-haired man’s warm ones. Everything was a blur as pleasure kept increasing and rising like a gigantic wave that only waited to punch him to the sandy ground and pull the air from his lungs.

“Hoseok,” he whimpered and threw his head to the side, moaning again when he felt a hot tongue and vibrations moving along his dick. “Fuck, I’m losing it, just- add a hint of friction and I’m fucking gone. Scratch me, I don’t care.”

The other man’s grip on his hips got bolder and Hoseok pulled him against his mouth again, and again, using his body to take him deeper without moving his head. Hyungwon’s perceptions narrowed down to nothing but pleasure as his body shook and he curled his hands into fists, scoring the back of Hoseok’s hands in the process as he bit down on his bottom lip and broke the skin from the force, tasting blood.

“Holy shit, fuck me, Hoseok,” he cursed, throwing his head back as his whole vision turned white and he finally toppled over the edge, orgasm taking his breath and awareness by force and wiping every other sense for a few seconds. His eyes were shut tightly as he sucked air into his lungs, burning from the effort and he couldn’t really feel his legs, only sharp objects under his back that were digging into his skin. “Fuck.”

Opening his eyes slowly, he suddenly realized that he had just shot a load into the mouth of somebody who had never taken a dick before. Oh god.

“Fuck, Hoseok, I’m sorry,” he mumbled, but couldn’t really move.

The other man didn’t say anything which made sense as his mouth was still occupied with Hyungwon’s dick. Sucking up, Hoseok let go and coughed a few times, before grabbing the Gin bottle from the table and drinking a fair share.

_Exemplary._

“Shit, I know, the taste needs some getting used to, but some people like it,” Hyungwon muttered and tried to sit up, but failed, arms and legs not giving a single shit about what he wanted to do. He must have looked ridiculous, mostly naked with his pants down, lying on a work desk. Oh god. He liked the taste, but it was probably better not to point that out right now. “I would slip down from your desk, I really would- I swear- if I could feel my legs that is. Holy shit.”

There were steps, before two thick, veiny arms materialized next to his head and Hoseok’s gorgeous face appeared over him. There was a little blush on the usually pale cheeks and his curved lips were swollen and red. He looked beautiful.

“You look- oh god, I don’t even have words,” the other man’s low voice murmured and it smelled like Gin.

“I don’t know how I look, but I do feel pretty fucked out even though there was no real fucking involved. Fuck my life,” Hyungwon muttered and finally managed to lift his arms, fingers throbbing a little from the strength that he had used to hold on. He reached out for the other man, but fucked up his coordination a little, stroking over Hoseok’s naked chest and shoulder instead of wrapping his arms around the broad, warm neck.

“I have no clue what you’re babbling about, but you taste- let’s say special.” Hoseok hissed at the touches, closing his eyes as soon as Hyungwon’s fingers stroked over his skin. It was really pretty and Hyungwon would have loved to continue had he done it on purpose in the first place. Maybe intense orgasms and several glasses of wine plus Gin were a very bad idea.

“Ehm- my back kinda hurts,” he admitted eventually and tried again, digging his hands into Hoseok’s bicep and holding onto his shoulder with the other. He wiggled out of his jeans in the meantime, letting them fall to the ground. Hopefully Hoseok wouldn’t suddenly get suspicious about how necessary it was to help him with his tight jeans. “Could you- like- remove me from the table?”

_Oh god, you sound like you suddenly turned into a fucking barbie doll._

He kinda did though.

Hoseok hummed and wrapped his warm arms around his body, lifting him from the desk and keeping him in his strong hold. Hyungwon was very thankful about that and merely curled his limbs around the other man.

“Do you want to lie down?” Hoseok asked cutely, chewing on his bottom lip.

“No, I’m pretty happy here,” Hyungwon replied with a smile and pressed a brief kiss to Hoseok’s lips, grateful that he was able to reach them in his current position. “I just hope I haven’t broken anything on your desk. I wasn’t really in the state to pay attention. Sorry.”

“Half of it fell down anyway. It’s fine,” Hoseok whispered and placed a soft kiss against his neck, nibbling on it lightly as he tightened his embrace.

_You just came and forgot about everything else, Hyungwon. What kind of a shitty lover are you?_

He gasped at the realization and wrapped his arms tightly around Hoseok’s neck, feeling a little more in control of his movements and changed the height of his hips to figure out what state Hoseok was in, rubbing his groin briefly. His feedback was a low, shaky moan, travelling right into his ear as Hoseok still nibbled on the skin of his neck.

Hyungwon repeated the motion, holding on tightly and focusing on the way he rolled his hips. He wanted it to feel good, right along the thick length he could feel pressing against Hoseok’s shorts with his naked behind. The silver-haired man was beautiful when he felt pleasure and Hyungwon still couldn’t believe that he had lost his fucking senses on a desk from a blowjob, usually he only died when somebody fucked him while he was wearing a cockring because he was quick to burst otherwise.

“Can I make you feel good too?” he whispered into Hoseok’s ear and exhaled right after, making sure to sound breathy.

“You are,” the other man hissed and tightened his embrace once again, using the closeness to create friction.

“I meant properly,” Hyungwon replied with a chuckle and repeated the motion of his hips, knowing that he was good at moving if he wanted to be. The feeling of Hoseok’s thick erection brought some thoughts to his mind that he preferred to ban somewhere far away, independent of how tempting they were.

_He would feel amazing and you know it._

But Hyungwon wasn’t somebody to randomly offer anal after making out and getting off a few times. In addition, he didn’t have any of the stuff he needed and he doubted that Hoseok owned any of it.

_What are you even thinking?_

“I really want you to touch me.” Hoseok's voice vibrated against his earlobe as the other man sucked it into his mouth. Pulling him further against his naked chest, Hoseok turned and walked somewhere, taking him along.

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and let his right hand slide between them, rolling the other man’s nipple between his fingertips. He wanted Hoseok to feel just as amazing as he did if not more, to lose himself completely. It was only fair and Hyungwon wanted to see it so badly, just like before.

“I will do everything you want me to,” he breathed into Hoseok’s ear and rolled his hips again, enjoying the heat of the moment.

“I want to feel your naked skin and kiss you because you were all dressed, in what could be considered clothes, and I couldn't kiss you because- well my mouth was occupied,” the beautiful man murmured before entering a barely lit room and throwing him on an incredibly soft bed. The mattress gave out as Hoseok's face appeared over him, leaning in and connecting their lips.

_Did he just tell you that you dress like a hoe?_

Hyungwon didn't have the time to elaborate on that thought as he melted into the kiss and nibbled on Hoseok’s bottom lip. The other man tasted like Gin, but it was still good, bitter sweet somehow, just like each of their encounters.

“Kiss me as much as you want then,” he replied and sucked on Hoseok’s tongue. “Do you have a tie?”

“Yes? I don't think it'll help you without wearing a shirt though,” Hoseok commented and laughed.

Hyungwon almost chuckled at how cute Hoseok was, smiling at the reply and licking his lips quickly. He was definitely not going to wear the tie with a shirt, he never did.

“I'm not gonna wear it, Hoseok, well not exactly,” he replied and brushed his spread-out fingers over Hoseok’s muscular chest. It was impressive how ripped the other man was, each muscle defined and feeling amazing under his fingertips. Hyungwon wanted to lean in and bite him, leaving marks for everybody to see.

“Do you want me to get it?” Hoseok asked, unwilling to let go, before he finally sighed and jumped up, rummaging through his wardrobe before sprinting back with a black tie made of silk.

“Here,” Hoseok murmured and attached his lips to one of Hyungwon's nipples eagerly.

It was unfair because at least a little bit of coordination was necessary for what he planned on doing. Gasping loudly, he shifted a little and tried to focus on the soft fabric in his hands. Silk ties were the best.

“You told me to touch you, but here you are distracting me. No touching for you,” Hyungwon murmured and wrapped the tie around one of his wrists before crossing over and doing the same with the other. Since he wasn’t really able to make it tight, he brought both slim wrists to his lips and pulled at the silk, completing the knot. “Voila,” he murmured and arranged the gorgeous ribbon above his head. “No touching.”

Shit, he loved having his hands tied.

“Why- why are you tying yourself up? Don't you want to touch me too? Or are you good?” Hoseok looked a little disappointed as he continued sucking on his nipple and brushing his thick erection against his thigh. It was hot and there was the very incessant desire to have it fill out his mouth. Definitely his mouth, yup.

_You have to be honest with him, Hyungwon, otherwise he will misunderstand._

He wanted to brush over Hoseok’s hair in reassurance until he realized that he had tied up his hands and could only do that with his forearms like an idiot. Chuckling at himself, Hyungwon glanced down at Hoseok and shivered a little because of the small sparks of pleasure. It was supposed to be about the silver-haired man.

“I want to touch you, a lot, but differently. This- it’s something I like, Hoseok. I- well- I really enjoy being tied up like this and having my hands above my head while-” _Good luck thinking of a nice way to say that._ “Ehm- while you can- kind of-“Hyungwon simply gave up on finding a polite description and licked over his lips. Poetry only worked in certain situations.

“Fuck- my mouth. Yeah.”

“Oh- Oh my god.” The words were accompanied by a gorgeous moan and an obvious twitch of Hoseok's dick against his thigh. There was no doubt that the silver-haired man liked the idea.

Hyungwon smiled at the positive response and used his long legs to crawl up the bed, all the way until his head reached a pillow.

“You only have to come up here and take what’s yours,” he whispered and licked over his lips, lifting his right leg against Hoseok’s groin and using it to motivate the other man to come closer, to move further up and take his spot in front of Hyungwon’s face.

“I- let me get rid of these,” Hoseok murmured and took off his shorts and underwear, remaining beautifully naked and slowly climbing on top of his body. He was hesitant, Hyungwon could see it, but his eyes looked like a black sky, eating him up from head to toe.

Hyungwon couldn’t help the way goosebumps spread all over his body at the sight and he pulled his legs together. There was something exciting and dangerous about the way Hoseok was able to look at him and it drove him absolutely mad. Which was pretty bad, because he was planning on focusing on the thick erection in front of him and not on his own preferences.

“Come here,” Hyungwon whispered again and pressed his bound wrists to the headboard, excitement bubbling in his stomach the closer the silver-haired man crawled on top of him. When Hoseok was almost close enough to taste, he parted his lips and stretched out his tongue.

“Fuck. You're something I made up, aren't you?” Hoseok's pale fingers curled around his long, thick length. It was amazing how it seemed even bigger due to the difference in their hand size. The beautiful man stroked himself before sliding his tip over his tongue and moaning right into his face.

Hyungwon was glad that the question was most likely a hypothetical one instead of something Hoseok really wanted an answer to as he instantly used his tongue to slide over the hot erection inside his mouth, sucking on the tip. It felt nice and his fingers curled at the sensation of silk around his wrists paired with the mesmerizing sight. Hoseok’s thighs must have been sculpted by an artist, assembled from magical dust to haunt Hyungwon in his dreams and, apparently, also his reality as he watched them flex with every motion.

“I think I've never wanted anyone more than I want you, Hyungwon, you fuck me up so badly.” Hoseok's voice was low, even lower than before as he moved his hips forward and curled his right hand into Hyungwon's hair, supporting his movement.

He inhaled through his nose and relaxed his throat, focusing on the way the velvety skin of Hoseok’s erection slipped along his tongue and deeper into his throat, impossibly hot. He hummed in agreement, unable to respond and swallowed once to increase the pressure around the silver-haired man’s tip. He wanted him to hold onto his wrists too, so he wiggled them a little to get attention.

“Do you want me to hold your hands?” Hoseok asked, curling one hand around his wrists and pressing down while watching him intently.

Hyungwon moaned around the other man’s erection and forgot to agree, merely sucking on the gorgeous length in his mouth and licking over the tip when he was able to and it wasn’t too deep inside his throat. It was amazing, the strong grip on his wrists, the fingers pulling at his hair and the sensation of a hot, hard erection sliding over his lips and tongue. Shit.

Hoseok was obviously losing his mind as he increased pace, tightening the grip on his hair and wrists. The loud moans echoed off the walls as the beautiful pale body in front of him kept tensing visibly. Hyungwon moved his head a little forward to bridge the bit that Hoseok was hesitant about and felt the soft tip hit the back of his throat repeatedly, bringing tears to his eyes. It was fucking good and the way Hoseok moaned, low and gorgeous as it echoed through the room was the cherry on top. He swallowed repeatedly and moaned around the other man’s erection, adding sensations and trying to not go mad himself. He couldn’t believe he was letting Lee Hoseok fuck his throat in his secret security apartment. His life was so fucked, but in the best way.

“I'm close, Hyungwon, fuck,” the other man moaned, fucking his mouth a little rougher and pulling him closer by the grip on his hair. It was fucking amazing and he let loose, allowing Hoseok to have his way as he relaxed his muscles as much as possible and closed his eyes to enjoy the sensations. A few stabs to his prostate would have been enough to have him coming himself, but then he wouldn’t have been as aware and able to listen to every gasp and low moan, the almost singing-like renditions of his name that Hoseok kept murmuring.

There was a low growl, resembling a fucking lion as he felt Hoseok twitch inside his mouth. The other man buried himself inside his mouth and came down his throat, moaning his name repeatedly.

A spark of pleasure moved through Hyungwon’s body at the sound and he swallowed around Hoseok’s twitching dick, feeling the other man’s release run down his throat and focusing his eyes on the expression of those almost black orbs he liked so much. He wanted it to be as much of an out of body experience as it had been for him, almost fainting on the other man’s work desk.

“Oh god, oh my fucking god,” Hoseok moaned, quivering at the aftermath, before simply pulling out and crawling down, just to collapse on top of him. “I'm dizzy.”

“Fucking same,” Hyungwon remarked and chuckled. He sounded like he had been in bed with a nasty cold for two weeks, but it had been worth it. He lifted his bound wrists and squeezed Hoseok’s head through the space between his arms. The silver-haired man was beautiful, lying on top of his chest and breathing heavily. There were still tears in his eyes from the strain, but he didn’t bother wiping them away. He couldn’t really anyway and it wasn’t all that important. “I wanted to return summer to you, but I somehow doubt that your summer was like this.

“My summer-” Hoseok whispered, burying his face in the crook of his neck, as if hiding from his gaze. “That summer gave me so many things before taking them away. Like the summer-child.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened at the answer, still not used to ‘summer-child’ being used by somebody that wasn’t him. Hoseok must have gotten hurt back then, independent of feeling happy during the time he had enjoyed the other person’s presence.

_He must be scared of getting hurt. Just like you._

“Hoseok, you know-” he began and brushed his bound wrists over Hoseok’s hair. There was no real alternative until he untied him and he wasn’t as good at undoing them as he was at tying them. “When I was pretty young, I always went on summer holiday with my parents for endless weeks. It was always the duration of the school holiday and it was the best experience ever. There was nothing but sand, French people buying their morning baguettes and the loud, stormy sound of the ocean. I loved it so much. There was this one time that I met somebody, maybe just like you met that man during summer once. That person gave me a nickname, a name that I still use now.”

He swallowed and hoped that it wouldn’t make the other man uncomfortable. He didn’t want to force associations onto Hoseok that brought him pain, but it seemed like something the silver-haired man might want to hear.

“French? You went to France too? It was so long ago, he must've been fifteen or sixteen and he made me a singer. He was the reason I decided to pursue music. You wouldn't have recognized me. It was ten years ago, I was pale and thin, riding my bike and not cool celebrity material at all. Not that I am now, but back then... - Ah I still think about it every now and then.”

Hoseok sounded nostalgic talking about it, like the experience had a profound impact. It made Hyungwon smile and want to share something too even though he rarely did. Also, he wanted to squish that summer-child for blessing him with Hoseok’s music and the other man in general. He couldn’t believe that a random fifteen-year-old was able to motivate somebody like Hoseok to become the eighth wonder of the world. Holy fuck.

“I only rode a motorbike once, a pretty, red one, but that didn’t end too well,” he commented and chuckled. “Haven’t been on one since. Maybe it left a bitter taste or something. I’m not scared, but I just never wanted to I guess. Also, it was the prettiest place in France ever! _La cerise sur le sundae._ You should totally go and experience the silver beaches, the loud waves and the gorgeous house my family has there. Nowadays only my parents go back once in a while. Work doesn’t really let me.” He felt a little sad at the thought and what was really behind it but _c’est la vie_. “I cannot imagine you being really thin. Pale is easy, but thin? Nah.”

_Shut up, he just orgasmed and you are babbling._

“I had a red motorcycle too. Where in France did you go? For me it was Sarzeau. I went on a ride with the summer-child. He burned his leg.” Hoseok lifted his gaze and bit down on his lip.

_What? No fucking way._

Suddenly there was the sound of a bell.

The other man's eyes widened and he sat up, staring into nothing before turning to him.

“Let me take care of this real quick,” the beautiful man murmured and picked a bathrobe from a nearby chair, wrapping the belt around his waist. Hyungwon only nodded, staring at his own legs in disbelief. It made no sense at all, but the other man’s words had sounded so familiar. A red motorcycle and a burn, the same place that he had always gone to in the summer. There was never anybody but him, never a boy the same age apart from that one year unless Hyungwon had missed him.

_And you were looking every year._

His eyes travelled over his own long and naked legs. It wasn’t that obvious if one didn't know what to look for. For him it was easy to find the light patch of skin on his right leg, on the inside of his calf. It was round and had the form of a honey melon, oval but way smaller than a usual honey melon.

_But it can’t be, can it?_

He hated the disturbance and chewed on his cheek, feeling strange to be sitting on the singer’s bed all by himself. Naked and with tied hands.

_Amazing, you can’t even be decent in case somebody comes in._

There was no way that he had the skill to put on his pants or his shirt. Which were both in Hoseok’s studio. Even better. Sighing loudly, Hyungwon lifted his wrists to his mouth and attempted to loosen the knot, pulling at it with his teeth.

_You are a damn comedy, Hyungwon._

It took a few minutes before Hoseok came back and sat on the edge of the bed, gesturing for Hyungwon to give him his tied wrists.

“Why can you tie yourself up but not untie the knot? Isn't it like- basic survival skill?”

Hyungwon chuckled and felt the tips of his ears turn red. It was kinda ridiculous, but he hadn’t gotten that far in teaching himself yet.  
“I’m a malfunctioning model,” he replied and licked over his lips, watching Hoseok’s dark eyes and trying to figure out whether he had seen him before. But it was stupid, he had seen him countless times, in real life, on TV, on his phone screen, from several meters away. There was no fucking way he could remember if he had seen him on a beach in the middle of the Bretagne. It was so confusing and he didn’t really know how to go about this, to start the topic without sounding really dumb. “Who was it?”  
“A person who sleeps over here sometimes,” Hoseok mumbled and untied his wrists carefully. “I told her to go home.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened as he suddenly remembered a fact he must have ignored and pushed to the back of his mind, wanting to be oblivious to not endanger Hoseok and his career.

_You thought he had a girlfriend, back then in his dressing room when he got a call and was awkward around Minhyuk._

But for a girlfriend Hoseok had a very strange way of describing her. A person that slept over sometimes? That could have been Minhyuk in Hyungwon’s case and he definitely had more consideration for Minhyuk to not send him home in case he visited at two in the morning.

“Is it your girlfriend?” he asked straight out. He knew Hoseok well enough to be genuine and now was really not the time to think weird shit all by himself.

“Girlfriend? Hm, don’t know. We don’t really do anything besides- well, sex.” The other man’s face was so different when he talked about the woman he was obviously sleeping with on a regular basis. There was no shyness and no blush-covered cheeks, just dark eyes and sober words, even though the other man must’ve been drunk.

“Ah- _that_ kind of person that comes over and sleeps at your place,” Hyungwon murmured and licked over his lips again. Having a fuck-friend was perfectly legitimate and exactly what he had expected from a celebrity, somebody who struggled to have proper relationships. It all made perfect sense and there were no real hard feelings or anything. He also had his own issues with Jooheon and whatever. It just seemed like Hoseok hadn’t even bothered to tell him that he had a woman he was involved with.

_But is it your business though? Your business is to tell him what you wanted to tell him and read poems like a good boy._

“You know, there was still something I wanted to tell you,” he whispered and stared at his right leg, wondering if he should mention it or whether he was just being drunk and ridiculous about it, believing that there were only two young boys in all of Sarzeau. “I guess I’ll leave after. You must get some sleep too.”

“You don’t want to stay?” Hoseok asked, pulling his hands back and looking at him intently. “Is it because of what I said?”

“What? No! I would love to stay. I only thought that I might be overstaying my welcome and you are a singer, a celebrity with lots of responsibilities and the need to sleep, which I am obviously taking away again. Also, I have a lot of shit going on in my head right now and trying to stay as far as possible from feeling ridiculously important for no reason. The usual, you know.” He was babbling again, but he couldn’t really stop himself, gesturing wildly and pulling his legs together because he was naked.

“I have no idea what you are talking about and you are of course free to leave if you feel like it. It’s not a prison, even though it seems like it.” The other man kept staring at him through the darkness, gaze intense and serious. Hoseok licked over his lips and leaned a little bit closer, pulling at the skin of his fingers with his right hand. “I like you.”

_He likes you._

Hyungwon’s heart was hammering in his chest as he stared at the other man, still dressed in a bathrobe and the dark eyes that were focused on his. It was getting more difficult to convince himself that he wasn't important. The realization was dawning that he was special enough for Hoseok to choose to send another away and keep him.

“I like you too,” he murmured and reached out to wrap his arms around Hoseok’s neck, worry remaining in his chest as he thought about all those things, he wanted to talk about but didn't know how. “Are you sure I can stay? I- I would really like to.”

“You can stay and let the summer continue for a little longer, or leave and I’ll go back to black,” Hoseok whispered, circling his arms around his waist hesitantly.

_You mustn’t leave._

Hyungwon smiled a little and brushed his fingers through the silver strands of Hoseok’s hair, focusing on the way it felt and how warm breaths were tickling his skin, regular and calm just the way it was meant to be.

“I will let summer continue, after all my nickname has always been summer-child.”

 

***

  
“What are you doing here?” he asked through the console, seeing that Anna was holding the speakerphone in her hand.

“Visiting you? Why don’t you open the door?” she asked, pursing her lips in dissatisfaction.

“I’m busy and I don’t want to see anyone.” Hoseok wanted to keep it short, he had better things to do like burying his face in the warm crook of Hyungwon’s neck and never leaving. Ever. The walking around cost him precious strength that he needed to talk to Hyungwon and to make sure he didn’t leave.

_You need him in order to breathe._

The thought was scary, but true nevertheless.

“But I’m already here, why don’t you open the door and I- I bet that you won’t regret it.” It was terrible and the 'Celebrity Relationship' made him want to vomit. There was literally nothing to it besides a little fucking around and not caring about each other’s feelings. It felt empty and wrong.

_Why are you doing it then?_

“I think- we should stop seeing each other, it’s too much for me and I don’t want to hurt you either, so you go on and find someone who cares and have a nice relationship.” He looked into the lens, to emphasize his point.

“What?” Anna didn’t look convinced. Instead she looked pretty angry. “Is it because of this Twitter scandal thing? Because you were confessing back and forth? Do you think you’re in love or something? Don’t kid yourself, Hoseok, you’re O-NO and you will stay O-NO until no-one wants to listen to your shit anymore and until then,” she hissed, “don’t even think about love. That shit doesn’t exist in this industry. Get a grip and give me a call when you’re healed from your bullshit.”

The words were so fucking harsh that he contemplated simply hanging up, but human decency didn’t let him.

“I won’t. I really would like it for us to stop seeing each other. That way you won’t have to be concerned whether I’m in love or not. Good night, Anna.” The video disappeared after he pressed the button. A few seconds passed and he still stood in front of the console asking himself whether the blonde woman with the high-pitched voice had been right about him. About not being able to be in a relationship or to love.  
  
_But what’s the point? What kind of ‘industry’ is this?_

Sighing, he made his way back down the long hallway, before slipping through the open door of his spacious bedroom and finding Hyungwon in the same state he had been when Hoseok left.

_He can’t untie himself, can he?_

It was cute, apart from Hyungwon being ridiculously hot. The brown-haired man was beautiful naked, his long legs and arms, his slim waist and prominent hip bones, along with his toned stomach and visible ribs made him want to cover every patch of skin in soft kisses. He was breathtaking and Hoseok was shit at hiding it.

He wanted to melt into the other man, before he started asking him about his visitor that is. The conversation got serious and he didn’t intend on hiding anything, he simply didn’t think it was relevant to tell Hyungwon that he just broke up with said person. It was too much information anyway.

Hyungwon wanted to leave too, until he clung onto the beautiful lean man, begging him not to leave and confessing his stupid feelings out of nowhere.

_But he said that he likes you too._

Liking was such a shitty word, it wasn’t love, at least he thought that it wasn’t, but it definitely wasn’t liking either. He liked Gin. Hyungwon was something entirely different and he could probably only compare it by writing a whole album of songs.

“You can stay and let the summer continue for a little longer, or leave and I’ll go back to black,” he murmured, remembering how he had sung it to the big empty house on the beach. He could still remember it. Everything. The memory forced goosebumps to spread over his skin as he curled his arms around Hyungwon’s body, pulling him closer to his chest.

“I will let summer continue, after all my nickname has always been summer-child.”

The words entered his ears but his brain refused to process them. It seemed as if they bounced around without him understanding the meaning, until he could basically feel the warm summer breeze and the golden feet covered in sand, beer and freezing ocean enveloped by the hot, plump lips that kissed him so gently.

_Summer-child. He said his nickname is summer-child._

A smile pulled at the corners of his lips, as he remembered the black-haired boy, thinking about reasons why someone would give Hyungwon a similar nickname.

“If I think about it I see why, you’re cheerful too. He- back then he looked as if he was walking on clouds, you know? Not thinking about anything else and just doing whatever he wanted. He- he really liked my voice and I kept singing for him. Even after he was gone,” Hoseok murmured, before noticing that he was talking like a person with a crush on a fifteen-year-old. “Sorry, it’s not that I’m still in love with him or something. It’s- something that symbolizes a turning point in my life, it would have been so different if he didn’t kiss me in the ocean back then. You wouldn’t be here because there wouldn’t be any O-NO in the first place.”

Hyungwon brushed through his hair and leaned back, watching him intently. There was a smile on the gorgeous face, bright and genuine.

“It's- it's so amazing that you found somebody like that, somebody who motivated you to do what you really love. That time- the one when I rode a motorcycle, I also read a poem to somebody for the first time. A proper one that is.” Licking over his lips, the brown-haired man got more comfortable on the bed, sitting on his calves. “How did you meet him?”

He thought about it for some time, the memories weren’t chronological, so it took him a while until he finally remembered.

“Ah- he-” he couldn’t help a bright smile that spread his cheeks before he continued, “I went to the beach on the first day after I arrived and drank a beer and he was sitting somewhere far away until he came closer every three minutes or something. In the end he sat down next to me and started talking French, I thought I was dying, oh god, I still feel embarrassed because my French is like the worst. But it turned out that he was from London.” Sighing, Hoseok remembered that the black-haired boy had talked a lot too.

Hyungwon hummed and licked over his lips, still watching him intently.

“Abandon that bathrobe and embrace me. I don't want to be the only one undressed,” the brown-haired man commented and patted the spot next to him. “Please tell me more. Was the beer from Manchester, is that why you were so happy to see it in my minibar?”

It was more than ridiculous, but his heart jumped at Hyungwon’s words and he immediately got up to slip out of the black fabric, leaving it on the floor carelessly and climbed back on top of the bed. Licking over his lips, Hoseok lifted the blanket and curled an arm around the other man’s waist, pulling him closer, before covering them both under the thick material.

“Yes! The Taste Of Manchester!” he exclaimed and giggled like an idiot. “It’s cheap, so I always brought it along, even though my mom complained. I gave him one too, summer-child I mean, I didn’t know that he was fifteen back then. I thought about it so many times but my lack of memory when it comes to names, seriously. I can’t fucking remember.”

“I'm not very good with names either, so I understand you there,” Hyungwon replied and wrapped himself around his body, one warm palm brushing over his chest. “Was he excited about drinking beer at fifteen? Being all illegal.”

“Don’t know. But I took him along on my bike. Do you know when you have memories of experiences that are not visual? I can’t really remember what he looked like, I remember the black hair and he was golden and tanned, he- always wore some kind of shorts, even when it was really cold and he was barefoot. He didn’t wear shoes. Ever. I can remember how it felt as his hands-” he looked to the side, watching Hyungwon’s expression intently. “Please stop me if it gets fucking boring and annoying and I- I really don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable while talking about some memory from ten years ago.”

“You're not, Hoseok, not at all! It's really interesting!” Hyungwon exclaimed and lifted his head to stare at him with wide eyes. The other man looked like he meant it. “He really- he really does sound like a summer-child, knees covered in sand and never wearing shoes, like it's always summer. Is there one special thing you remember?”

“Ah- the way his hands curled around my waist when we went for a ride. I can remember liking it so much that I took the street with the narrow curves on purpose. Like a teenager. I have no regrets. He kissed me. I can remember the freezing water and his warm lips. Sometimes I think what kind of person he would be now. Whether he knows that I waited for him, and that I’m the thin black-haired guy who made out with him in the tiny black tent. Funny, right?” He smiled at the flood of memories that suddenly returned to the surface. “A few weeks ago, I found a picture of myself, in my Shakespeare book. It was from then. I almost didn’t recognize my own body.”

The room was quiet as he felt Hyungwon's warm breaths on his skin, tickling the area below his Adam's apple.

“Would you- would you show me the picture? I would love to see how different you looked back then. Also, what- what did you two do on that trip with the motorcycle, where did you go?”

_He wants to see the picture?_

“I’ll show you, but please don’t tell anybody. There is a reason you can’t find pictures of me before the age of twenty.” Hoseok slipped from under the blanket carefully and winked at Hyungwon. “We went to a hill. There is this amazing view from there, but it’s hard to get there without a car or a bike. He told me a poem. It was really beautiful. I follow this poet on Twitter and I know that it’s not him but sometimes I wish it was, just because I would know that he’s still writing.”

Smiling, he turned around and walked to the living room, searching for the red cover of the complete collection of Shakespearean sonnets. Locating it, he browsed through it, until he finally found the picture he was searching for. God, it was really fucking embarrassing, but he had just told Hyungwon that he liked him after fucking his mouth, there wasn’t much pride left.

He listened to his own steps as he entered his bedroom and crawled under the warm blanket. It was the best place ever.

“Here. Please forget it after looking at it once,” he murmured and held out the picture for Hyungwon to look at.

It looked like the brown-haired man's hands were shaking when he accepted the photograph and stared at it. The change in expression was slow but obvious as Hyungwon's lips parted and his eyes widened comically, not glancing away from the small photograph.

“You-” The other man swallowed. “You looked really different, not at all like a bad, muscular boy that rides on a motorcycle and drinks beer.”

“I think he also said something like that. But I really wanted to work out and I did. As you can see. Please don’t be distracted by my teenage melancholic gaze. I was waiting for summer-child,” he murmured and took the picture back, placing it on the bedside table next to him.

“Hoseok, you said he hurt himself, right?” Hyungwon asked and shifted a little, rubbing along his thigh with his own. “What exactly happened? Where did he burn himself?”

“Ah- the exhaust pipe. My old bike, the Honda Shadow had one on the side, and it gets pretty hot when you ride for a bit and he burned himself while dismounting. His calf, his right one, I think. He soaked it in ocean water, god, I should’ve told him not to. I think I did, but he didn’t give a shit because he was summer and I was trying to adult.”

“Your bike was called Shadow? That's amazing. It fits a bike, like you are able to go anywhere, just like a shadow,” Hyungwon whispered, swallowing suddenly.

“Exactly, that’s what I always thought. Only when I grew up, I realized that unfortunately, you can only go as far as your mind lets you. Sometimes it’s not that far at all.” A sad smile spread his lips and he shifted closer to Hyungwon, urge to be close apparent in every cell of his naked body.

“You said you were waiting for him in that picture, but- could it be that he had to leave because of the burn? How bad was it, Hoseok?” the brown-haired man inquired and shivered a little. It was strange considering that they were embracing under a warm blanket.

“No, not in this picture. He- he wanted to come over again but he didn’t. The burn had been okay before, he- he sat on top of me in the tent and kissed me. I waited for days and just before we had to leave- I went there. This huge house, I was a little terrified of it for- for reasons, but I went there at night and it was empty. So, I sang Back to Black to it, cried and left. That’s the story. Ah and after that I finished my A-levels and started making music, so my parents had to support me and we couldn’t go on holiday anymore. I still have my black tent though.”

“Holy shit,” Hyungwon whispered and didn't move, curling his arms tighter around him. “Holy fucking shit.”

“Mhm. It’s funny right? It lasted for two days. Two days of my life and I’m here telling you all about it after ten years have passed. It might appear weird to you, but hearing from someone who wrote beautiful words that my voice made him feel something- it was special. For me. And I- I told you, I’m no good actually and I’m this winter kind of human- especially since summer ended back then, when he left. But he saw something. I don’t know what it was, but he made me feel so free, as if I can do anything. It’s precious to me. He has the burn and I have summer on my hip. He doesn’t know me anymore and I don’t know him, but we were both there back then and it left a permanent impression.” Sighing, he snuggled into the crook of Hyungwon’s neck and placed a soft kiss against it. “You’re similar. You also see something in me that I can’t see and- I really like you even though I hate this word.”

“Hoseok, what would you do if you could meet him again?” Hyungwon whispered and lifted his head, leaning over him and looking into his eyes. The other man's chestnut colored orbs were big and reflected a little bit of the light.

“I would thank him. And I would sing Back To Black. Only for him,” he whispered, looking to the side and remembering the emotions he connected to the song.

“Don't you think… it would make him cry? It might remind him of sandy beaches, stormy waves, the closeness he enjoyed with you and how quickly all of it disappeared again.” The brown-haired man was still leaning over him, one elbow placed next to his head while his palm travelled over his chest aimlessly.

“But I would be there, wouldn’t I? Of course, he probably wouldn’t feel a connection anymore, maybe he doesn’t think about me at all, ten years have passed and he’s probably busy with his life and his relationships and I’m making music, stalking poets on Twitter and I also have you- I mean, I, I’m with you right now. To be honest- I thought about it, but no matter how many times I imagined it, it was always the same. I would be the one who still thinks about it and is thankful and a little bit sad and he would be the cheerful summer-child, who moved on and does what he can do best, namely be happy. But no matter what. I’m thankful. I am.” Sighing, he licked over his lips. It was indeed a little pathetic, but that summer had changed his life and he couldn’t simply act as if it wasn’t true.

He could hear Hyungwon swallow and saw the other man's Adam’s apple move. His brown eyes reflected the light differently somehow, almost like they were moist. A second look revealed that Hyungwon's bottom lip was trembling and his breaths sped up.

“Can I- can I tell you a poem, Hoseok?” he whispered.

“There’s nothing I would rather listen to, than your voice speaking those beautiful words you chose so well.” He smiled and reached for the other man’s beautiful face, stroking over his cheek briefly, before pulling away.

Hyungwon inhaled carefully and licked over his lips before he began to recite, big eyes focused on him.

 

“I am almost ready now, a cloud  
Inside of me the raindrops have already  
Condensed, only the lightness of a doubt  
Suspends them in me still, afloat, unsteady

Give me but a moment now and I  
Dissolve entirely and soar no more  
I am all fall, I tumble from the sky  
Towards your desert skin and thirst and sore 

I permeate you, find the hidden seed  
And we explode with life, with greening greed  
You were a desert, I was summer rain

Our bliss is short, forgetfulness must fade  
I miss the sky, I must evaporate  
And be a cloud to fall for you again.”

 

His insides were a rollercoaster. There had been the feeling of excitement when Hyungwon started reciting, until the middle. Something pulled in his insides, indicating that he must’ve heard it somewhere before.

“I- I know this one,” he murmured, trying to remember where he must have read it. But that wasn’t it. He didn’t read it. He heard it. “Where is this from? You didn’t tell it to me, but I still know it.”

“It's the first poem I ever recited to somebody. I did say it to you, Hoseok. It's fascinating how I wasn't able to look people in the eye while reciting but now I can, staring into those almost black orbs of yours,” Hyungwon replied and brushed over his cheek. His bottom lip was still trembling a little. He looked emotional.

_What?_

“This doesn’t make sense, I have a shit memory when it comes to names but I remember the feeling of the poems that you’ve said to me, this is not it. It must’ve been someone else-” He stared into Hyungwon’s eyes, searching for the reason. Why he felt so sad and why it felt familiar even though it shouldn’t have.

“I- I recited it to you.” Hyungwon swallowed and licked over his lips again, shaking a little. “I shared it with you while leaning on a railing, not daring to look you in the eye and attempting to fix my messy hair. You- you said that I look like Tai from Digimon back then.”

His brain was stuck, as if there was a bug in the code, preventing him from understanding what Hyungwon was talking about.

“Ten years ago? But we only met-” Suddenly his eyes widened and he simply stared at Hyungwon's big, brown eyes and his round nose, his golden skin and the full lips, parted.

_It can't be._

He shook his head, unable to tear his gaze from the beautiful face in front of him. Hoseok was endlessly overwhelmed by the amount of new feelings mixing into the almost familiar sight. A boyish voice, low, but not quite appeared in his mind.

“You said you would become my first fan,” he whispered.

It was quiet as Hyungwon nodded slowly and his lips parted.

“I am,” he whispered back as a shaky breath left his lungs. “I am and I didn't even know.”

“I must be dreaming this. I’m probably still drunk, oh my god.” His voice was barely a whisper and his hands shivered, unable to stop. “You- you don't even know what it means to me.”

“I think I do, Hoseok,” Hyungwon replied and reached out, brushing his thumb over his lips and the line of his jaw. “You told me that I don't make any sense apart from when I read a poem. It still feels like that somehow, as if nothing changed. You looked so sad sometimes, sitting on the sand, that I wanted to jump around you and throw sand into the air to make you laugh. I still can't believe that it's you, the one summer I wasn't alone and-” The brown-haired man stopped talking and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, eyes appearing wet again.

“Why- why did you leave? I just said bye, I- had so much more to say,” he whispered, tears immediately rolling down his cheeks without any warning. He felt caught in some kind of fairytale, but fairytales weren't real and he was scared.

Hyungwon looked sad as he shifted and crawled on top of him, slim body lying pressed on top of his own, legs entangled.

“I was forced to leave. The burn- it got infected and my mother panicked. I was flown to London in a helicopter and stayed in hospital for two weeks. I hated it,” the brown-haired man replied and buried his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck. His cheeks felt wet against his skin. “I couldn't even say goodbye.”

“I liked you. I liked you so much, I liked everything about you, you made me feel like flying instead of being caught underwater. I couldn't forget you for at least another year and then I tattooed my hip and thought of you whenever I looked at it. This can't be true. You can't just walk into my life as if nothing happened, and make me fall for you all over again,” he muttered as his tears streamed down his cheeks without a break. He felt so vulnerable again, open and ready to get hurt.

“I fell in love at first sight when I saw you, sitting there on the beach and staring at the water. I didn't know why, but I knew I had to talk to you, so I tried French and was so relieved when I found out you were British. There was something bright in you, in the way your eyes looked, how they became intense in a matter of seconds. It really excited me and I wanted to drown in them. I wanted to kiss you on the first day, but I was afraid that you might not like boys. I had found out myself not too long ago and was still a little nervous.” Hyungwon talked fast and a lot, face still buried in the crook of his neck and long arms wrapped around him. “What am I supposed to say? I dedicated my life to you as soon as I saw you perform. I already told you back then, your voice makes me soar.”

“I don't know about boys, but I liked you. I can't believe this asshole who you liked made you sad,” he murmured, suddenly angry that someone dared to wipe the smile from Hyungwon's face. “My mind- it's somewhat limited, but you managed to open it, to show that there's more, I'm so thankful to you, I have no words, none at all. You're my summer-child.”

Hyungwon lifted his head again, eyes wide and wet as there were lines of tears on his cheeks, lips trembling a little.

“I only began to show my poems because you told me that you loved it, that it meant a lot and you instantly felt the emotions I wanted to convey. I- I started posting them online, but I didn't have as much courage as you did, making it your profession.” There was a small smile as the brown-haired man leaned in and kissed his lips, just a brief touch.

“Online? Where?” He immediately wanted to open Firefox and search and read all of them.

Hyungwon chuckled briefly and shook his head.

“On Twitter, but a different account, one that only has poems. I only write there if I really like something or feel really sad. It's mersoleil, French for sea and sun. I might be just as attached as you are.”

_It's him. Hoseok, you bastard, you have been reading him for ages._

“I'm your biggest fan,” he murmured, waiting for Hyungwon to slap him and to laugh in his face while a camera appeared out of nowhere, showing that it had all been a prank. “I follow you with my private account. For years. Oh my god. The sad ones you wrote. They were about me, weren't they? And I commented that I felt the same. My Twitter name is OneShadow.”

“Oh my god,” Hyungwon muttered as his eyes widened and he glanced around like he also believed everything to be a prank and somebody would appear and laugh at them. “I- I wrote them when you left that night, without saying anything. I can't believe O-NO was secretly following my poems.”

“You have no idea how much you helped me through the years when I had no inspiration or no will to live, you always managed to show me beauty, just like this. Thank you so much. You basically own my life. Congratulations. At least I have everything from the same person,” he murmured and curled his arms around Hyungwon, leaning in and kissing his plump, red lips. “Fuck, you don't even know how much I like you.”

“I- I really like you too, Hoseok. I was essentially thirsting for years while having my soul orgasm from the music you created. Meeting you in person was- so different but so much better. I love your facial expressions and how you react to me, how you listen to my poems and seem to feel every word even though nobody else does. I became an event manager to be close to you Hoseok, I mean it. Fuck, you must think I'm obsessive again.” Hyungwon hid his face in his shoulder again and groaned in frustration. “I like you but I'm not crazy, I swear, please don't throw me out even though the security guard thinks I'm a hoe.”

“You're not crazy, you just do whatever you like and I love that so much about you. Just watching you makes me feel like flying. You're amazing and I have no idea what to do with all those emotions at 3AM. Thank you so much for staying. Thank you. Thank you for everything.” He couldn't help but kiss the other man's beautiful face, his nose and his lips. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve so much happiness at once.

“You should embrace all those emotions, preferably by embracing me and kissing me senseless,” Hyungwon replied and laughed loudly, shifting on top of him until their faces were right above each other. He could feel the other man wiggle his legs in excitement. “You're gorgeous and there is no place I'd rather be. Also- sorry to be stingy, but when do you need to get up? I'm really bad at waking up early. Like- really bad.”

“I- have a schedule at seven. But you can sleep, the most important thing is, that you use the back entrance, I will tell Dave so that he can let you out. We should sleep, I think I'm going crazy,” Hoseok whispered, turning to the side and throwing the beautiful man from his body. Leaning in, he kissed the plump lips and entangled himself with the blanket.

“Wow, just like that? First, I'm all precious and then I get thrown around like a sack of potatoes,” Hyungwon mumbled and Hoseok could hear him pout as the other man also curled up in the blanket, rolling up like a cat. “I feel like I'll wake up and it will be a drug dream.”

“I think I told you to meet me in a few years so that I could throw you around and you could wiggle your arms. I'm sad that you don't do that anymore, but maybe I have to throw harder,” Hoseok contemplated and brushed a stray strand behind Hyungwon's ear. “You're precious. So fucking precious that it scares me. You can use everything you need tomorrow and you can write me too. I'll try to answer in time.” Leaning in, he kissed Hyungwon's forehead softly. “Good night, summer-child.”

“Goodnight,” Hyungwon whispered back, big eyes focused on him and lips slightly parted. His neck was completely covered by the blanket that he had wrapped around himself. “Thank you for staying you.”

_You don't even know who you really are, but he recognizes it after ten years have passed._

Hyungwon was special, a light in the darkness and sunshine on a rainy day, a happy occasion during a sad time and warmth in the middle of the cold ocean. He was still the gorgeous, beautiful summer-child that had seen something in him and that continued seeing it, no matter how much time passed.

_You need him. You can't let him go, Hoseok._


	10. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing will happen, Hoseok. Nothing will happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 19th of March at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
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> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

The almost screeching voice of a very bad cover of Sia’s ‘Chandelier’ began to penetrate through the thick layer of sleep and an even thicker layer of blanket that Hyungwon attempted to hide under. His head hurt which most likely meant that he hadn’t slept enough, nowhere near nine full hours of closed eyes and gone consciousness which was the amount he needed to function properly.

_It smells like coffee._

Coffee was a good thing, but one that made no sense because he lived alone and nobody that he knew personally would have been nice enough to get up before him and make a gigantic cup of coffee. It just wasn’t possible. Which either meant that a) he had met somebody like that and forgot or b) he wasn’t home.

_You’re not home._

The familiar scent of the blanket immediately reminded him of ocean hair and gorgeous pale skin, lying under him and telling him about something that happened ten years ago with shining eyes, excitement and obvious happiness until it turned into emotional instability and tears. Fuck.

Hyungwon’s eyes opened and he sat up on Hoseok’s gigantic bed, sheets messed up and no sign of the beautiful, muscular singer that had been close to him several hours ago. The terrible rendition of ‘chandelier’ continued, but Hyungwon didn’t really care anymore. He was wide awake now and only the throbbing in his temples was a sign for it being way too early.

_Eight, your alarm rings at eight. You aren’t even home._

He almost facepalmed because there was no fucking way he could get to work on time. It was impossible to shower, blow-dry and style his hair, fix the bags under his eyes and finally run to work in an outfit that wasn't really meant for work. Technically it didn’t matter, but there were some limits to what he wore to work.

He scrambled out of bed and ran in the wrong direction, ending up in Hoseok’s bathroom even though he had wanted to find the studio (where he happened to leave his clothes). Bathroom was also good though, so he looked around and opened various cabinets until he finally found a packed toothbrush. Smiling at how prepared Hoseok was, Hyungwon squeezed a nice amount of toothpaste on the pretty blue toothbrush and begun to rub the minty stuff over his teeth. It tasted okay and bearable, so he was a little more thorough. He had drunk quite some Gin and didn’t want to smell like it in case there was a client meeting or something. A meeting he didn’t remember and was most likely going to be late for.

It was an amazing day.

Despite the stress and his irresponsible behavior Hyungwon felt strangely happy, excited even. He wanted to hurry up with all that job stuff and finally see Hoseok again, to talk about what he remembered and what he had thought about him back then on the beach. His own memory was incomplete but the silver-haired man had managed to add so many details to the images in his mind. It had finally made sense why he cried back then at the concert as soon as Hoseok begun singing ‘Back to Black’. There were so many things that merged together into a complete picture.

_It’s almost as if you were made for each other._

Hyungwon giggled at the cheesy thoughts that came to haunt him, and spat the remnants of the toothpaste into the sink before washing it thoroughly and cleaning out his mouth. His mother had not raised a _cochon sans vergogne **[1]**_.

It was almost embarrassing how he continued smiling despite being alone in another man’s apartment. The whole place was kept very minimal, without a lot of photos or personal items. Hyungwon’s was a whole fucking memoir in comparison with all the pictures and poems he had on his walls. The main feature that Hyungwon could ascertain from the white walls and the furniture were the bookshelves full of books. Hoseok must have enjoyed reading about as much as he did, various collections of poems and novels filling his shelves.

His smile only got wider when his eyes fell on the collected works of Murakami and Dostoyevsky that he had sent to Hoseok as a present. It felt amazing and like a real accomplishment to see something like that grace the dark wood of the other man’s bookshelves.

_Feels like it really paid off._

When he finally found the studio, he pursed his lips at the smell of sex that apparently remained behind closed doors and opened a small window at the back, surprised at how loud it suddenly got. The acoustics in that room were impressive.

Grabbing his ripped jeans and his transparent shirt, he slipped into both including his socks and brushed through his hair. There was no time for a shower, so a little bit of water and a hairdryer would have to do the job.

Returning to the bathroom, Hyungwon tapped at his hair to calm it and make it stick closer to his head. Once he was done, he began to look for a hairdryer - only to realize there was none.

_Oh god._

Groaning in frustration, he grabbed his phone and typed a quick message to Hoseok, hoping that it sufficiently expressed the desperation he felt.

‘Wherefore thee not has't a hairdry'r? I fucking needeth it,’ he wrote in Shakespearean for the hell of it and hoped that Hoseok would be quick to reply. In case someone looked through the singer’s phone they would probably be confused instead of suspicious.

Unfortunately, there was no way he could show his face at work without make-up and a hairdryer, so he would have to go home first, wasting even more time.

Brushing through his rather disappointing hair, he glanced at the stuff that was assembled on a shelf above the sink. There were various perfumes, toothpaste, scissors, a nail file, a deodorant and a white package of some kind of pills. Curious, Hyungwon grabbed it and turned it around. It looked simple, a white package with a pretty green stripe on it and the name ‘Paroxetine’.

_What the fuck is Paroxetine?_

There was only one way to find out, so Hyungwon opened the package and took out the white description paper that was folded umpteen times. By the time he got it opened up, he was ready to drop it all to the ground and ask the internet. In general, it was kinda stalkerish to check out what meds Hoseok was taking, but somehow Hyungwon wanted to know.

Skimming over the detailed description quickly his eyes finally settled on the purpose, big and clear:

Depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

_Holy shit._

His eyes widened a little and he fumbled with the paper to squeeze it back into the tiny folded up strip that it had been. Once he managed halfway, he forced it back into the package and placed it right where it had been, facing away.

He felt horrible, like he had been purposefully snooping in Hoseok’s private matters and found out something that wasn’t his to know unless the silver-haired man wanted him to. It sucked and he shouldn’t have done it but now it was too late.

_Is that why he is down so often?_

Hyungwon wasn’t too familiar with depression, but he did know that it sucked and took away all ability to do what one enjoyed and feel pleasure while doing so. The way Hoseok had described sinking underwater and remaining there, kind of fit with what he had heard about it.

_It’s none of your fucking business, Hyungwon, none at all._

Swallowing, he forced himself to check whether he had everything in his pockets and to pull his boots over his long legs. It took ages but he tried to be as fast as possible.

It was strange how he had been fucking excited about Hoseok and their common past and experiences but he felt scared, hands shaking as he attempted to tie the laces on his boots and eyes jumping around like he couldn’t focus on anything properly. It sucked and knowing what kind of meds Hoseok was taking shouldn’t have influenced his mood.

_He is taking them, so he is fine, isn’t he?_

Hyungwon instantly remembered that Hoseok had been drinking Gin on his own at home in the middle of the night, getting drunk by himself. It didn’t seem like something an okay person would do, but then again- who the fuck was he to judge? He had also drunk two glasses of wine at home and then driven his car all the way to Hoseok’s apartment. He couldn’t really call himself more stable than the man whose apartment he was leaving.

The security guard was nicer this time as Hoseok must have made him aware of his non-groupie status and didn’t even judge him for his attire as he led him through the back exit and out of the building. It was only a few meters from where he had parked his car, so that was good.

_Focus on work and the things you need to take care of, Hyungwon. Think about Hoseok when you see him again._

He doubted that was possible, but at least he had the ability to try.

_

 

It was typical for Hyungwon’s luck to be confronted with Jooheon’s face as soon as he entered the meeting, he was thirty minutes late for.

“I apologize,” he began until his eyes settled on the red-haired man with ridiculously deep dimples and he felt the sudden urge to add ‘for absolutely nothing’.

“Was it the traffic?” Jooheon asked with a bright smile that made his eyes disappear, like little slits.

_He must really be unaware of how fucking tense this whole thing is._

“No, I wasn’t home and underestimated the time I would need to get here. I ask for your understanding,” he replied and looked at the documents he had grabbed from his office desk before running down to the meeting room. It was mostly appointments and details about the hall he had managed to organize. It was going to be an easy meeting. “Anyway, I have been successful in booking the venue you wanted for the first date you suggested. There is no show the day before so if you want to book the morning you would have enough time for a second soundcheck. If not, you can do it on the same day, it is up to you.”

Hyungwon smiled a little at how well prepared his past self was, having everything ready before leaving. It almost seemed like he knew there would be no time to prepare.

_Or you past self knew it was going to be Jooheon._

Despite the familiar face, the way the red-haired man arranged his legs on top of each other and the way he smiled at him, Hyungwon felt strangely...distant. It wasn’t that he didn’t care at all, he did somehow. There was still the familiar pulling at his insides and he remembered how his chest used to constrict with each gaze at the man in front of him. But that was all it was, a memory.

It was a little scary, like the past week had wiped his mind clean of the rapper he had been in love with, making space for Hoseok and various concerns about the other man’s wellbeing. It felt liberating and terrifying at the same time.

_Are you always like this with love? Throwing the old away as soon as you are given affection from somewhere new?_

It felt good to not feel the unbearable ache anymore, but Hyungwon wasn’t sure he wanted to be a person like that, one that easily let go and moved on.

Only when he was sitting in his office, all by himself, did his mind come up with a way to formulate what he was thinking and feeling. The words were almost automatic as they poured onto the piece of paper and created a contrast with the perfectly white page in front of him. They were black drops of ink that soaked up everything he thought and felt and externalized it. There was no space for such feelings anymore.

 

“I loved you like I love the sea  
On evenings when from sun-warm sand  
I gazed across the waves to see  
How red a day must end?

Sometimes I would come to greet  
The waves that tried to climb ashore  
Enjoyed their kisses on my feet  
But never wanted more

And if I wished to be embraced  
By the grey ocean, soon my fault  
Was pointed out to me by taste  
Of brackishness and salt.

I never truly loved the sea  
I loved the sun, the salty breeze  
I love that now I know I'm free  
To love the sunset's peace.”

 

It was rare that he considered something he had written worthy enough to be shown to the public, but Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to see it, to read it on his private account and understand some of the feelings that were clamoring inside his chest. Both of them were having to deal with new feelings and memories and he wanted to share his process with Hoseok. There was something connecting them and he wanted to treasure it, to talk about it and make it as apparent as possible, like a puzzle that appeared meaningless when one looked at the single parts, but as soon as it was assembled it turned into a glorious vision that had meaning.

There was something greedy about the way Hyungwon wanted to know more, to listen to Hoseok’s impressions of their encounter ten years ago. It had been the first time they met each other, without a meaningful name behind their faces and only as themselves, young boys that were unsure about where they were going and what they wanted to do. There was no O-NO behind Hoseok’s black eyes that had captured Hyungwon’s attention and been a major strength and motivation in his life. Hyungwon hadn’t been obsessed with what the silver-haired man produced back then, he hadn’t been the fan that he is now, somebody who poured a lot of money into O-NO and invested every second of his time to think, read and talk about him. Both of them had been nobodies.

_It’s like a confirmation._

It was just like Hoseok had said. Hyungwon had seen something in Hoseok back then, identified it despite the nonchalant and melancholic demeanor and attempted to pull it to the surface, to see more of it and fuel it with affection and kisses. It was proof that he liked Hoseok for who he was and not for who he had become.

_You like him and not the image on the outside. You’re not like everybody else, Hyungwon._

Chewing on his bottom lip, he glanced at his phone. There was still no reply to his message about the hair dryer but he wished there was. Inhaling sharply, Hyungwon prepared himself to write another, a more intimate one this time.

‘I misseth thee m're than I misseth the beach and the sea,’ he typed and sent it off, staring at the screen like it would make a reply more likely.

‘I feeleth as if someone has knockedeth me out with a Dostoevsky book,’ was the answer, a few seconds later and there was another one. ‘I don't miss the sea. Just you.’

Hyungwon chuckled until he realized that the last part wasn't very difficult to understand. Hopefully nobody was going to hack Hoseok’s phone.

‘I could come where you are, if you want that is. For a brief moment if you are able to spare it,’ he wrote and stared at the screen again, waiting for an answer to appear.

‘I'm filming an advertisement in the middle of the forest. I would be a selfish prick if I told you to come here.’ Again a few seconds passed before his phone vibrated. ‘Please come.’

‘I love forests, give me the address,’ Hyungwon replied and already jumped up, forcing his notebook, a few pens and a random package of tissues into his bag. It didn't even take a minute for him to run out of his office, lock it and sprint down the stairs. He wasn't able to concentrate on organization and lighting companies any longer anyway.

He walked to his car with big steps and opened it from a few meters away before sliding into the comfortable leather seat and releasing a loud sigh. He couldn't wait to see Hoseok and the forest he was in. It could only be beautiful.

Another glance at his phone revealed a Google maps pin, accompanied by ‘Call me when you're here. Can't wait to see you. Really.’

It felt like his heart jumped along with the motor in his car as he pulled out of his personal parking spot and dictated the address along the way. It was a familiar area next to London, a pretty forest that he had explored before. It was a good choice, whatever the CF was for.

Smiling to himself he turned on Hoseok’s newest album and hummed along, happy at the thought that he was going to see the silver-haired man even though only a day had passed. It felt like a blessing and the worrisome meds were at the back of his head. Almost.

_Just don't ask him about it, it's his business._

Hyungwon was really bad at listening to his own advice.

Once he was about five minutes away, he ordered his car to call the other man and cleared his throat a few times to make sure he sounded acceptable. His hands shook a little even though it was just a simple phone call.

“Hey,” Hoseok's warm, low voice filled his car with its gorgeous vibrations. “Are you here already?”

_He probably thinks you're crazy for being that fast._

Damn, even Hyungwon thought he was being mental.

“Yeah,” he replied and turned into a smaller street that was supposed to lead to the forest as far as he could remember. “If you're in the middle of filming I can watch for a bit. I don't mind.”

“Yeah I- I kind of mentioned that my event manager is coming and that I have to discuss stuff with him after I'm done, so- sorry to pull you into it, but it's too late now.” A chuckle followed and he could almost imagine Hoseok’s beautiful smile.

“You're lucky that I'm coming right from work and not dressed like a high-class stripper,” Hyungwon replied and laughed loudly. He could have totally pulled that off. “Won't your manager be suspicious? Shouldn't he have been the one to discuss stuff with me?”

He stopped next to a few bigger cars that looked like they were part of a film crew and felt a little excited about seeing how it actually looked, who was part of Hoseok’s team and how different the silver-haired man was around them.

“He- let’s say he was a little- suspicious. But he saw you, he just- didn't know we were close.” Hoseok cleared his throat. “Oh, I see your car. Just go straight for a few meters and you'll see us. I’m, I’m not wearing much and I'm doing stuff.”

_Oh god._

“Bloody brilliant,” Hyungwon commented and dropped the call, stuffing his phone back into his jeans. He wasn't quite sure what Hoseok defined as ‘not much’, but he had quite a few mental images that didn't make his life any easier.

Jumping out of the car, he locked it and felt rather nice because of how pretty it looked in the forest, bright red color sticking out.

As Hoseok instructed he walked a few meters, glancing around until he finally saw him.

Whatever he had been expecting, that wasn't it. He saw Hoseok run back to the set, probably after taking his call.

The other man was wearing ripped blue jeans and nothing else, lean, defined muscles on display and sprayed with something that resembled oil. There was another person, a short woman with black hair. She was wearing a black dress, revealing all of her back and noticeably braless.

Hoseok looked serious as he started walking behind the short girl, back muscles moving gorgeously and Hyungwon could see the cameraman zoom in. Grabbing the woman's hand, Hoseok curled his arm around her thin waist and pulled her closer with such force that her hair flew up. Somehow the other man managed to not knock her out, but to kiss her instead, lips touching lightly, as one could see on the big screen where the director watched the scene. Hoseok’s eyes looked intense, dark, as if he wanted to fuck the tiny woman against the wall. With that gigantic dick of his.

_Fucking hell._

“Cut,” the director shouted and clapped while Hoseok let the girl go as if she was alien goo. The other man must have somehow forgotten to tell him that he was filming a half-naked straight sex fiasco, eating up a random actress with his eyes only to drop her a few seconds later. It was bizarre to watch and Hyungwon couldn't help but feel bad for her, a little at least.

He tried to be inconspicuous and moved to the side, looking for a familiar face until he saw Kihyun and simply walked over, nodding once with a bright smile but instantly returning his eyes back to Hoseok’s gorgeous body and the woman next to him.

“Ah, hello there. I was pretty surprised when Hoseok told me that you were coming.” Kihyun nodded before looking into Hoseok's direction and looking dissatisfied. “God, I hope he won't start something different, I have enough stuff to take care of,” the short man murmured and slapped his shoulder.

Hoseok and the girl were talking and laughing. He must have said something that was so fucking funny that the girl bent in half, laughing like a maniac. Smiling brightly, Hoseok looked to the side, catching his gaze.

_Can't be that disgusted then._

Hyungwon smiled back before turning to Kihyun. He could be busy too.

“What do you mean by starting something different?” he asked and brushed through his hair once, focusing his eyes on Kihyun's face. Something seemed to be a little nasty about him.

“Ah. Don't know how close you are, he seems to have a thing for making friends lately. Had to take care of his last friend that he just dumped without any prior notice.” The other man sighed and brushed through his perfectly dyed dark-grey hair. It was definitely hair salon work.

_It's the woman he sent away, the one he slept with._

“That's not a real friend though, is it?” he commented and chewed on his cheek. Hoseok’s manager obviously didn't seem too fond of him.

_He's probably worried about you because you aren't a celebrity, you don't have that much to lose._

Hyungwon knew the game. He had played it countless times before with his ex-boyfriend, pretending to be a friend, meeting in the middle of the night, taking different entrances, changing cars mid-trip. It had been crazy because his ex was a famous actor in teen movies. They had met through a gala that he organized. Hyungwon hoped being involved with Hoseok wouldn't be just as stressful.

_What the fuck is ‘involved’?_

“I don't know what else to call it, but yeah, you seem to know what I'm talking about, I'm surprised. He usually doesn't share. Like- anything.” Kihyun sighed and walked to the director who had called him over.

_When everything you do and think is on a platter for everybody to see it is understandable that one desires to keep a few things to oneself._

A few seconds passed before Hoseok's beautiful, pale face materialized in front of him, naked chest glowing like a polished silver dish. Hyungwon wouldn't have minded eating breakfast, lunch and dinner off of the other man's pale skin.

“You came,” Hoseok’s voice sounded low and he smiled brightly. “Even though you must be tired.”

“I came, I saw, I conquered,” Hyungwon replied with a grin, using the translation instead of the Latin term, it fit better. “You're one to talk. I woke up at eight but here you are, running on 2-3 hours of sleep. I'm digging the oil, though. You look hot, I stan.”

Hoseok chuckled shyly and licked over his lips, before lifting his gaze again.

“Thank you, I'm used to running on three hours of sleep, I mostly can't sleep more anyway, so I'm fine. I'm done, so you can come along, they just need to remove this stuff from my body and then I'm good to go. We can go for a walk if you like, I have about thirty minutes.”

_Celebrity life at its finest._

Hyungwon smiled brightly and nodded, eyes sliding over the way the sunlight reflected on Hoseok’s pale skin. Suddenly he remembered a moment from ten years ago, how they had sat on the beach and Hoseok told him that he merely turned red instead of getting tanned.

“I hope you used sunscreen, so you don’t burn,” he whispered and resisted the urge to reach out and be weird in front of all the staff. That was definitely something Kihyun would kill him for.

“Not in the middle of the forest, I hope. But you have a point.” The other man turned around, searching for someone, before he sprinted over to a black-haired woman that stood on the side.

“Marcia, can you remove this? I want to take a walk, but I'll ruin my clothes if I just wear them on top of this,” he whined, earning him a bright smile from the woman next to him. Hoseok was adorable, a little bit like a child. It was fascinating how the tides seemed to have changed.

“Sure, but don't forget to post, you haven't been on Twitter for ages.” Taking a pack of what seemed to be wet tissues, the woman started removing the oil from Hoseok's gorgeous body. It was unfair. It was easy to imagine what it would be like to run his fingers over naked, oiled skin, preferably in bed while being naked.

_God, shut up._

“Need help?” Hyungwon asked as he stepped closer and leaned against one of the trees at the side, regretting how quick his mouth was.

“Huh?” The woman named Marcia looked surprised, before placing a few tissues into his hands. “Sure, it'll be faster.” She must've thought that he was part of the filming staff. Hyungwon couldn't help being a little offended because he definitely dressed better.

_Way better._

Hoseok's eyes widened comically and he opened his mouth to say something, but swallowed instead. It was cute and Hyungwon smiled brightly, accepting the tissues and rubbing over Hoseok’s muscular shoulder. Damn.

“I've been given half an hour, so I want to use as much of that as possible for the actual talk,” he commented and slid his fingers along the other man's pale arm. It was really firm and Hyungwon remembered pretty well how it flexed when Hoseok held onto his bound wrists and fucked his mouth. Yeah.

“Oh fuck, you're the event manager, right? Sorry for involving you, but it's so much work to remove this stuff. Why can't you be slim, Hoseok?” Marcia complained and slapped the other man's chest.

“I look better like this.” The silver-haired man took one of the tissues and started rubbing his stomach pointlessly. “It's enough, or not?”

“I'm sure your fans would agree with that comment,” Hyungwon remarked and licked over his lips, taking a careful look at the way Hoseok’s pale skin reflected the light. It looked much less oily. Grinning, he turned to the woman still furiously rubbing Hoseok’s back. “I offered, didn't I? Don't worry about that. Thank you for the effort and now I shall steal some of his time if you don't mind.” He was nailing the ‘professional event manager’ as usual.

“Feel free! Not that he's mine or anything. As long as his hair looks good and his jeans fit he can go wherever he likes.” There was a cute chuckle and the woman took the used tissues and disappeared into one of the vans.

Hoseok smiled, took a black shirt from Marcia’s chair and put it on while walking in the direction of a narrow path between the trees.

“Have you been here before?”

“Yes!” Hyungwon exclaimed excitedly and instantly pointed at the area between a few trees. “If you walk for quarter of an hour in that direction you'll get to a tiny clearing where you can find mushrooms in autumn. I saw shitloads of squirrels there too. It's a nice spot for eating snacks, listening to the forest and writing poems.” He walked a little faster and curled his fingers around Hoseok’s wrist. He kinda wanted to be further away from all those people.

_You just want to snog him against a tree, admit it._

That too.

“Let's go then,” the silver-haired man commented excitedly, letting himself be dragged into the forest. “Did you drink the coffee that I prepared for you?”

“What?” Hyungwon's eyes widened as he remembered the strong scent of coffee when he woke up. “Fuck, I smelled it when I woke up, but I thought it was from when you made coffee for yourself. Shit, I needed that. I missed out on getting coffee, I can't believe it, _quel désastre_. I wasn't even in your kitchen. I have no fucking clue what it looks like. What have I been doing with my life?”

He let go of Hoseok’s wrist and grabbed his own face in terror. There was no fucking way he missed out on drinking a coffee made by Hoseok. He was a bad fan, very bad fan.

The other man laughed with his mouth open, it was rare to see, usually Hoseok only blessed others with his breathtaking smiles. A genuine laugh was like a gem one needed to be considered worthy of.

_And you are._

“You're hilarious, I'll make you another one someday. I'm sorry that you haven't had coffee, I would've died before leaving the apartment. I can't function without it. Unfortunately, we're in the forest, so I can't make you one even if I wanted to,” the beautiful man murmured, looking around before focusing his gaze on the sky for a bit. “So pretty,” he whispered.

Hyungwon watched Hoseok instead of the sky, observing the way his Adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed and how a smile pulled at the curved corners of his mouth at the sight. The situation felt familiar again, like watching the sky while floating in the ocean water.

_You've done that._

“You're prettier,” he whispered and looked around once to make sure nobody was there. “I don't expect you to get me a coffee in the middle of the forest. I had one a little while ago, but I would have preferred a cup made by your gorgeous hands.” Swallowing carefully, he reached out and stroked over the outline of Hoseok’s broad neck with his index finger. “How do you feel?”

“As if I've dreamt all of it,” Hoseok answered and closed his eyes before looking at him. “How about you?”

“Like I’m in a euphoric coma and of the opinion that nature couldn't have created gorgeous you.” Hyungwon inhaled again and weighed his options. It was the forest, nobody had a reason to follow Hoseok like a creep and he hadn't seen any stalker fans. In addition, he knew the forest pretty well. Licking over his lips quickly, he grabbed Hoseok’s shoulders and pushed him back against a tree, instantly following with his own body that he pressed flush to Hoseok’s. The air that was squeezed from the silver-haired man's lungs at the force, brushed over his lips and Hyungwon couldn't resist the urge to catch it with his own, melting at the heat between them, the warmth of sunshine shining through the trees on his face and the rustling of leaves in the wind.

“You,” was Hoseok's short answer that the other man whispered against his lips before leaning in and kissing him. Hyungwon could feel the strong arms enveloping him, so incredibly hot and holding him tight. It felt perfect, just the way it was supposed to be.

“Half an hour is too short,” he murmured and licked into Hoseok’s mouth, tasting him and leaning against the tree with his big palms. The surface was rough but that made it so much more real, like he wasn't dreaming everything up but really kissing the beautiful man in the forest, surrounded by trees and singing birds.

There was a silent moan, caught by his lips, as Hoseok deepened the kiss, using one of his hands to tilt his head a little. It seemed so desperate.

“I still can't believe it. That you're you and you're next to me like this, fuck, I'm so fucking overwhelmed, I can barely concentrate on anything else.”

Hyungwon hummed in agreement and rubbed his bottom lip over Hoseok’s soft, curved ones. The sensation was pleasant and sent a familiar tingling along his chest and all the way down to his legs. It was one of his favorite feelings.

“I still remember how we kissed in the water. It may be the one thing I remember the most because I was so scared that you might reject me,” he replied and removed one of his hands from the tree trunk, using it to brush over Hoseok’s soft cheek. “Kissing you in the forest like this feels magical, almost like we're far away from London again, just you and me.”

“I just want to take you and go to the ocean, kiss you in the waves properly. I'm so confused right now.” The other man was babbling, eyes big and watching him intently between the kisses. Hyungwon wanted to kiss him senseless and confuse him even further, see him lose himself and forget about everything that was worrying him.

“Shh, it’s okay. It’s pretty intense, but you can’t just ditch everything and go to France, Hoseok. You’re famous, you gotta use these beautiful moments as inspiration to make out with the next woman for a CV,” Hyungwon muttered, unable to help the sudden associations. It wasn’t very smooth to talk about making out with a random chick to the person he was kissing at the moment. “Just tell me when you can meet me again and I will use it as motivation to stop pressing you against a gigantic tree.”

“But I want you to.” The other man's soft lips returned to his, blurring his vision as Hoseok licked into his mouth and pressed him closer to his chest. “I- I think- Friday this week, my schedules end at 11PM. Do you want me to come over or do you want to come to my place?”

“Would you like to sit in the garden?” he asked and smiled against those soft curved lips, dizzy from the proximity and the adrenaline that rushed through his blood. “You could sing for me again.”

“I will.” There was a smile on the other man's gorgeous lips as he pulled out his phone and turned him towards the device, stretching out his arm and taking a few pictures. “I need something to remind me that I didn't go insane and make it all up. My memory… is playing with me sometimes.”

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip a little and tried to adjust his facial expression, to turn it into what he was used to for pictures. He wanted to look amazing, dreamy if that was what Hoseok wanted to keep as a memory. He could already imagine the silver-haired man sitting at home and looking at the picture he had taken, the way the two of them smiled, leaning against a big tree after kissing. It wasn’t something Hoseok could show to anybody, and neither was Hyungwon, but somehow, he was happy that it existed, somewhere on the other man’s phone.

“I- I will show you more, so much that it won’t feel like a memory anymore,” he whispered before covering Hoseok’s soft lips with his own again, not caring that the man beside him was just about to take a picture.

“I really, really want you to.” Hoseok had pressed the button, looking at him intently before kissing him again. “I'm crazy for you,” he whispered. “My summer-child.”

Swallowing, Hyungwon met the other man’s dark gaze, staring at the way the almost black color surrounded the iris, appearing to stare right through him.

“My heart is a tabula rasa,  
A blank sheet, waiting to be filled  
With you.”

 

***

 

  
He felt happy. For the first time in years.

If he had been asked to characterize his life from his birth until now in three words, it would have been nightmare, summer and music. His life was the constant living and reliving of a nightmare, blurry, semi-conscious and filling him with a prominent feeling of dread. Sometimes it was so strong that he escaped into a state of barely existing, he couldn’t hear, couldn’t see and couldn’t feel anything for hours. Rarely, he didn’t even know whether it was really him in his body, or someone else.

At other times it was anxiety, panic, spreading throughout his limbs, making him shake uncontrollably, feeling in danger and afraid of dying, triggered by seemingly innocent things, like a movie, a big white house, a back hug, something like that. He didn’t have time to see the therapist, so he took pills when it was too much, when he felt like he couldn’t go anywhere, not perform and not attend schedules. He just downed a few pills and went, coping with the aftereffects. Those were nothing compared to the pain he had felt while trying to deal with it by himself.

_She asked you to describe the white house, didn’t she?_

She did and Hoseok started, before it had gotten so bad that he fucking fainted on the woman’s couch. Fuck. The thought alone managed to make him so uncomfortable that he opened the pillbox and took one out, swallowing it without water and brushing through his hair in front of the bathroom mirror.

Actually, he thought that he wouldn’t need the medication, after feeling so happy. Hyungwon really managed to distract him a lot, to make him feel as if it was summer again.

_Maybe it is?_

A bright smile appeared on his features as he buttoned up his loose silk shirt and stuffed it into his black jeans. It was Friday and he had successfully completed his schedules. Apart from an interview he refused to give because the reporter’s beard caused a familiar dread to crawl up his insides and spread pain in his lungs like a thousand tiny stabs.

_And Kihyun deals with this bullshit._

Hoseok’s head was like a broken VCR tape, some fragments deleted, some added even though they never existed in the first place. Some scenes played over and over again in his dreams, often when he least expected it. It was a mess. A mess Hyungwon didn’t know about, even though it had been there when they had first met. In summer 2008.

_You wanted to tell him, you did, but he was already gone._

Even now, Hoseok had the feeling that the beautiful brown-haired man, the summer-child, Hyungwon had no idea what he was dealing with. It wasn’t nice and he barely trusted anyone, only keeping a very limited number of people next to him.

Shaking his head at his negative thoughts that were always present, no matter what he did, Hoseok lifted his gaze and watched his reflection in the big mirror.

He sang a verse of his new song to himself and licked over his lips. Shit, he sincerely hoped that his affection for the beautiful person would bring him to a good place. Hyungwon made him feel like flying for the first time since that summer in France.  
  
_  
  
Hoseok was thankful that Hyungwon’s house wasn’t huge and he didn’t feel the need to run away immediately. Maybe it was due to the fact that he had been inside the house first before seeing the outside.

Parking his bike behind the spacious garage, as usual, Hoseok stepped to the front door and rang the bell.

It didn't take long for the door to open and he was met with Hyungwon's gorgeous face, big eyes emphasized with a little bit of black and lips the color of ripe cherries. The now-bordeaux-haired man was wearing tight, black shorts and a white shirt, loose on his slim frame.

“I've been waiting,” he commented and grinned, pulling Hoseok into his spacious hallway and closing the door behind him. “It's getting warmer, so I decided against tight leather pants. It would have been really hot especially if you didn't immediately take them off for me, but I couldn't be very sure about you doing that, so in the end I stayed with tight shorts. I still have no ass, but I like to pretend. It's nice from the inside at least.” Giggling, Hyungwon ignored the fact that Hoseok hadn't taken off his shoes and pulled him into the living room, stopping at the mini bar.

“What are you even talking about? And when did you manage to dye your hair? You’re still wearing shorts, just like back then. It’s literally ten degrees outside tonight.” Chuckling, he let himself be dragged by Hyungwon and tried to slip the leather jacket from his shoulders in the process.

“Temperatures are overrated,” Hyungwon muttered and shrugged. “Seriously though, I probably only wear long pants because I look way hotter when I do. Like this I resemble a chopstick on holiday. That's not really the look I'm going for, I want to look _trop bandant_.” The handsome man pouted and opened his mini bar, fumbling around until he found Hoseok’s favorite beer and handed it to him, smiling brightly.

“I-” Hoseok started, wanting to point out that he still didn’t get shit, but sighed instead and opened the can, taking a long sip. “How have you been?”

“Great since you're here,” the red-haired man replied and took out a bottle of wine, pouring a glass for himself. “Oh, since you asked, I dyed it yesterday, just for you. First, I thought of making it black like back then, but then I realized I'd have to bleach it again if I want something different. Oh- I wanted to show you something.”

Leaving his glass of wine on the bar counter, Hyungwon sprinted out of the room and returned with a thick leather book that looked like it belonged to somebody from 500 BC.

“I have some photos in case you're still doubtful. Of me being a full-time chopstick.”

“Do I look in doubt?” he asked, but still wanted to see old pictures of Hyungwon to complete his memory. The pleasant one. “But yes, please show me. I’m kind of bad at dealing with quick change and you having a new hair color every second week is making me confused.”

“Oh, actually it has a rhythm, every month. Unless I get emotional and do something crazy. One time an ex-boyfriend hated the color blue, so I dyed my hair a bright blue. I'm petty like that.” Shrugging again, Hyungwon moved past various pictures of a pretty, slim woman with a baby in her arms. The baby was mostly eyes and lips, pursed in a pout. “I thought you might be in doubt because you keep saying you can't believe this, so I gotta prove my Hyungwonness to you. It's an art.”

“You only dated men?” Hoseok asked, not able to stop thinking about some dude who kissed and touched Hyungwon and forced the other man to dye his hair blue to get back at him.

“Ehm, yeah, I'm gay,” Hyungwon replied and lifted a perfectly formed eyebrow, staring at him. “I dunno but- I kinda thought that much was obvious.”

_Was it obvious? What is obviously gay anyway?_

“Uh- I don’t know? I- I have never dated a man before and I don’t really know anything about you apart from a two-day memory from ten years ago and the last two months that I’ve spent in constant confusion. It could be that you dated women, or haven’t dated anyone, like me.” Looking to the side, Hoseok took a long sip of his beer, thinking about his previous ‘relationships’ that consisted of occasional making out and sometimes sex. He never had a real relationship before, not really.

“You- you _never_ dated before?” Hyungwon asked, voice a little higher than usual and long fingers slowly closing the thick album like it had magically become irrelevant after Hoseok’s utterance. “Even before you were famous? No relationships, affection, _amore_?”

“Well- I do have experience in- like- sexual stuff, with women. But I had never been in a relationship before, if that’s what you mean.” This conversation was getting a little uncomfortable. He knew that it was weird to have never been in love or to have a normal dating relationship by the age of twenty-seven, but his life was complicated and full of things that he didn’t fully understand and didn’t want to share.

“But- ehm, well-” Hyungwon coughed awkwardly and sucked his lips into his mouth, leaving his eyes as the main attention grabber. “Would- ehm- would you want to?”

“You mean to be in an intimate relationship with someone? Whether I want to?” Tilting his head, he took another sip and thought about the question. He didn’t know the answer, he didn’t know what it meant, so how was he able to tell? “I don’t know. I mean- I know that there’s agreements and stuff, but that’s normal, no matter whether you date or not, at least for me. What is different about a relationship? The fact that you belong to the other person? You can’t belong to someone anyway besides the other person probably wouldn’t want me, knowing who I am and what kind of baggage I have.”

“That sounds a little too dark for my taste, sweetie,” Hyungwon replied with pursed lips and placed the album on the counter before throwing one of his slim arms over Hoseok’s shoulder. “I can think of a lot of people that'd die to have you, me included. Also, a relationship, well. It's not really a promise that you belong to another person, because that's just what possessive people tell themselves. It's more about- sharing, I think. It's a sign that you want to be with the other person and acknowledge that you feel the same as the other person does. It's not really necessary to be in a relationship if the feelings are clear, but saying that you are, can give clarity if they aren't. For example, if I'd- ehm- ask you to date me, then you would know that I have pretty strong feelings for you which involve spending a lot of time together, making out and most likely love and the desire to spend my life with you. In my case.”

Swallowing, he felt the dread crawl up his insides, even though there was nothing about Hyungwon’s words that could’ve triggered it.

“But how can I dare wish to spend my life with someone, if I don’t even want to spend my life with myself? So, what if there are feelings? What about trust? How can I trust that I- that I will be okay? That the person doesn’t rip my heart out? And one should be responsible, I can’t just pack myself nicely and sell it to you until you’re finally able to unwrap me and see what kind of mess you’ve gotten. Nah.” Looking to the side, he let his gaze slide over Hyungwon’s furniture, looking for a place to sit and be invisible, preferably.

He could feel the other man's eyes on his until Hyungwon finally spoke. Both of his slim arms curled around Hoseok’s neck, pulling him closer.

“What makes you so sure that you are a mess? Shouldn't you let the other person decide if they are disappointed or shocked after unwrapping you? Usually I am someone who advocates self-confidence and fucking what other people say, but not when one's own opinion of oneself is so- blurry. It seems like you aren't aware of all those things that are wonderful about you. I see your face and I want to embrace you and steal your breath away, hear you laugh loudly because it's so rare but also so fucking beautiful. I could write an homage to you and damn, I already have, but it still wouldn't be enough. If you don't love yourself then- there can be somebody who loves you even more, enough for two people.”

Swallowing deeply, the gorgeous man lifted his right hand and pointed his index finger at his face.

“I think there is something that you don’t really understand. You- you are the most wonderful person to me, you are, and you deserve literally everything good on this planet. But I’m no good, Hyungwon. You like me and you seem to be happy about it, I really don’t want to ruin it. Isn’t it better to keep your beautiful image of me? I also really like it. I wish I was like that, like the way you see me.” Biting down on his lower lip, Hoseok buried the fingers of his left hand into his thighs while his right one squeezed the can a little.

“Mindfuck,” Hyungwon murmured to himself before looking up again and leaning closer. “Imagine this, your perspective of yourself is limited to how your head wants to see it. You can't really look inside and you only see everything through those eyes of yours, from that height you have and with no real opportunity to experience it differently. It's the same for me when it comes to my Mr. Chopstick self. Now- what both of us are able to do though, is to look at the other person and see something different. I see more from you and you see more from me. Each of our perspectives is limited, but if we combine it we might get a little closer to the truth. So-” The red-haired man smiled beautifully and pressed a kiss to his curved lips, staying in place for a few seconds before leaning back. “Just because your perspective tells you that you suck it doesn't have to be true. I think you're wonderful, so you should leave it to me whether I want to hang out with you or not. It only becomes relevant when you think I'm annoying and don't make sense and would much rather befriend your Gin and your studio than me. That would be a whole different story.”

“I trust my Gin,” he murmured, overwhelmed by the kiss and the flow of emotions accompanying it. “You're not annoying. Not at all. You're beautiful and being next to you feels so light, no matter what you do. I still think that you don't understand, but I also don't want you to understand because I don't want you to be upset. Ever.”

“I think it's unavoidable to be upset sometimes or even to cry. The important thing is that it's worth it in the end and I think it is.” Kissing his lips again, the other man leaned back and pulled his mouth into a thin line. It made him look a little bit like a frog. “And now look at my glorious photo album. I was all excited about this.”

“Fine, I won't say anything anymore,” he murmured, before the words started spinning in his head again, creating lines and putting everything that he thought into words, just like this, without him doing anything. Clearing his throat once, he hummed a melody, finally opening his mouth and sang softly before taking the album out of Hyungwon's hands and opening it himself to distract from his trembling hands.

There was only a gasp and then he felt Hyungwon's warm hand around his own while another turned the pages. The other man's low voice was humming the melody he had just sung until he began talking. It was a lot of things, mixed bits of information, a story to a few of the childhood pictures he was pointing at, expressions of disgust towards certain dishes and excitement about holidays and events. Throughout all of those words Hyungwon's warm fingers were stroking over his own in a calm, pleasant manner.

“Look, this is me that summer, being ridiculously cute,” Hyungwon commented and laughed loudly, pointing at a picture of himself lying on the sand, chin resting in his palms that were opened like a flower and legs wiggling in the background, a little blurred from the motion.

_It's him. It is definitely him._

“It's you,” he whispered, teeth settling on his lower lip as he looked at the photo intently, sucking in every detail. “Can I have it?” he asked and reached to the side where he put his leather jacket, pulling the old picture out of the inner pocket. “I'll give you mine.”

“That would be all kinds of amazing,” Hyungwon whispered and carefully pulled his own picture out of the foil before exchanging it with Hoseok’s and stroking over the surface of the page once. “Thank you. There might be a few nicer pictures, but I'm happy you have given me yours. There are also pictures of me in the hospital, but I mostly hate everything and pout.” The red-haired man chuckled again and closed the album before putting it on the counter. “Right, I told you that I am the best at Hyungwonness! I can even show you the scar!”

“You have a scar? Oh my god, I thought it would be a little visible, but it's a whole scar? Fuck. I'm so sorry,” he whispered not knowing what to do with his hands as he turned and curled his fingers around Hyungwon's thighs.

The other man gasped before catching himself and stroking over his silver hair once, stepping backwards.

“It's fine though, it always reminded me of back then,” the low voice murmured until Hyungwon lifted his slim body up on the bar counter and angled his right leg to the side. “There, it's a little bit like a tiny honey melon and I like them, they are sweet. Almost as sweet as you are.” There was a playful smile as the red-haired man blew him a kiss.

Swallowing, he removed his hands from the other man's thighs and took his calf, stroking over the slightly lighter area that was visible on the side.

“It's crazy how you still have it on your body. I wish your touch had stayed like this on mine,” he whispered and leaned down, kissing the scar for a few seconds before lifting his gaze again.

Hyungwon's lips were parted and chestnut brown orbs focused on his face. Hoseok could see the other man's hands holding onto the counter, turning a little paler as time passed.

“I- would have had to scratch you like an alley cat for something like that to stay,” he murmured in reply and licked over his plump lips quickly. “This is… intimate.”

“You don't want it to be?” Hoseok continued brushing his thumb over the scar gently. It was important because the scar had been something that stayed all this time. Because of him, because they met back then.

“I do, a lot even, only-” Hyungwon swallowed and shifted a little as goosebumps began to spread from the spot where Hoseok was touching him. “I don't want to overwhelm you. After all I'm not really what you're used to and- yeah.”

“Why? We have been- really close before, haven’t we? And I'm just kissing a memory on your body that means a lot to me. Just like you.” Licking over his lips, Hoseok let the other man's calf sink down and positioned himself between Hyungwon's lean legs. Looking up, he smiled. There was no choice, the red-haired man was so beautiful that it pressed his lungs together.

“Well, yeah- I mean- sure, we've been close, but I'm still kinda hoping to keep my brain in one piece without glitches and begging you to fuck me. That's my difficult goal for today. I named it ‘don't beg for dick’.” Staring at him for a few seconds, Hyungwon suddenly groaned and threw his head back. “I'm sorry, you must be so weirded out.”

_What? He wants you to-_

His eyes widened and he felt his breaths get heavier.

“What? Why would you want me to...?” he pressed out. His mind got blurry and inconsistent, the feeling of danger instantly appeared out of nowhere, even though it didn't make any sense. Hyungwon shouldn't have been a trigger for any of it, but it didn't matter. It never did.

He felt how his hands clutched onto the counter and there seemed to be no oxygen left.

_Fuck._

The only thing he could feel was the unbearable pain in his chest and his own teeth biting down on his lip until he tasted blood and everything turned black in an instant.

_

 

He shifted on a hard surface, feeling something cold on his forehead and someone's warm fingers around his arm. His eyes were still closed, but he could hear Hyungwon's voice calling his name.

_Are you dreaming?_

He shouldn't be. Thinking intently, he finally managed to determine his location. He must be at Hyungwon's place, but something happened.

_What?_

He didn't know, just that there was a feeling of dread in his insides for no apparent reason. Exhaling sharply, Hoseok opened his eyes and saw Hyungwon, who was watching him.

“Holy shit, Hoseok, are you okay?” The other man looked pale. It was weird considering his golden skin tone.

“I guess. Sorry,” he apologized, still feeling dizzy.

“Why would you apologize? I doubt you wholeheartedly decided to check out the eligibility of my living room floor as a bed.” Hyungwon chuckled nervously and removed the cold cloth from his forehead, stroking over his slightly damp bangs. “Do you think you can stand up or would you like to stay on my lap a little? I put your legs up, so don't get weirded out by my collection of O-NO bunny pillows. Ha ha.”

“You manage to make any situation into a hilarious mess and I love it,” he murmured, trying to control his headache. Passing out was always nice when it happened, a feeling of levity, endorphins and whatnot until everything turned black, but waking up after passing out was definitely the worst. It felt as if someone had smashed his head while his consciousness was gone. Clearing his throat, he opened his eyes completely after blinking repeatedly and focused on Hyungwon's pretty face.

“Do you have Ibuprofen?”

“Always,” Hyungwon replied and carefully removed Hoseok’s head from his lap, using one of the pillows under his legs for it. He could hear the other man run somewhere with quick steps and the sound of the tap then Hyungwon reappeared with a pill and a glass of water. “Is it- is it okay with the other medication you take?”

_What other medication?_

He was confused for a few seconds, asking himself what Hyungwon might've meant until he remembered taking his meds before leaving.

_But how does he know?_

“I don't think that is something you could've found on Twitter,” he whispered, watching the other man intently.

“I didn't,” Hyungwon replied quietly and swallowed as he lifted Hoseok’s upper body and leaned it against his own chest, brushing over his silver hair. “I saw it in your bathroom. I'm- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have.”

_He knows that you're taking meds. Amazing._

“I see. It's fine, I can take whatever.” Sighing, he took the prepared glass and swallowed the pill with a big gulp of water. “Uhm- I don't need anything, I'm fine, Hyungwon.” He felt really uncomfortable in the warm embrace, as if it was only there because the other man knew that he was taking antidepressants.

“I know, which is why you should stand up, but I like hugging you too much.” Hyungwon tilted his head so that he could look at him, bright smile on his face. “Garden? Or do I have to proclaim my undying love for you with a poem and kiss you awake sleeping beauty style?”

“No, it's fine,” he murmured and removed his legs from the pile of countless pillows bearing his face. He never thought that he'd be stepping on himself with his feet, but oh well. “I think I've never been in your kitchen, I want to get a huge glass of water.” Looking around, he couldn't help feeling more confused. He hated it.

“I'll show you,” the red-haired man replied with a bright grin and curled his long fingers around his wrist, pulling him along. The kitchen was big, an island stood in the middle of the room and various appliances were located around it, along the walls. Hyungwon tugged at his wrist as he opened a cupboard and took out another glass, filling it with tap water. “Voila.”

“Thank you, and- sorry for being weird,” he whispered before downing the whole glass and putting it into the sink. “Let's go watch the moon.”

“Honestly, I'm fucking weird too, so don't worry about it,” Hyungwon replied and basically jumped into the direction of the garden, a skip in his step. “Come on! _Dépêche-toi_!”

He followed the red-haired man to the garden as Hyungwon opened the door and promptly threw himself on the grass, creating snow angels without snow.

“Holy shit, look at it! It must be a full moon,” the tall man commented, pointing up at the sky.

“Why- would you wear a white shirt and roll in dirt?” he commented before laughing loudly. He didn't know whether the other man had acted ridiculous to make him crack up, but it didn't really matter. Sucking in a deep breath, he let himself fall on the grass and grabbed Hyungwon's body, pulling it on top of himself. “You're nuts,” he whispered, looking up at the gorgeous face with the full moon in the background.

Hyungwon laughed and shook his head quickly.

“I'm not nuts, it’s just that I have enough white shirts to last me a lifetime. In addition, it will have _un goût de vert_.” Suddenly the beautiful man's lips parted and he merely stared, exhaling against his face. “You look spectacular in the moonlight. Your hair it- wow.”

“Whatever you say,” Hoseok murmured and lifted his head from the grass, high enough to place a careful kiss on the other man's incredibly soft lips. “It's a really nice feeling when someone you care about tells you that you're beautiful. I like it.”

“I'm glad that you do. I- I also like you a lot,” Hyungwon replied and licked over his lips. “There is something that reminds me of the way I felt that summer. I would like to share it with you.”

“Please do.” Hoseok focused his gaze on Hyungwon's beautiful chestnut-brown eyes that watched him intently.

“When I met you back then, it felt like you harbored depth, a chaste yearning that wasn't visible to anybody but me. I wanted to see it, to taste it with my lips and tongue.”

Hyungwon watched him intently as he spoke, lips moving softly and emphasizing each word. The last sentence still sounded in the air when the red-haired man smiled and licked over his lips again, returning the moisture.

“Please don't make fun of me, but I imagined what it would be like when I met you as an adult, but it's a little dreamy and probably naive.”

“Well, I think me fainting was enough embarrassment for both of us, so please feel free. I would love to hear it.” Smiling, Hoseok lifted one hand and stroked over Hyungwon's bordeaux hair, brushing a few strands from his forehead gently.

“I warned you,” was the quiet reply as Hoseok could see a bit of red on the tips of Hyungwon's ears. Taking another deep breath, the other man elaborated further.

“I imagined that you would be calm and collected, experienced and not fascinated by somebody like me, someone as emotional and easily infatuated. It still feels surreal that you like me and are so much like back then.”

“I wish I could stay like this forever. With you on top of me and the grass under me, accompanied by the full moon and the warmth of your body,” he whispered, completely overwhelmed and licking over his lips briefly. Sucking in a long breath he closed his eyes and sang quietly while enjoying the darkness around him.

“Your voice has always been able to make me soar, be it back then or now,” Hyungwon whispered and leaned in, kissing his lips carefully. “Is this okay?”

_Why wouldn't it be okay?_

He was wondering, but simply kissed back, licking into the other man's mouth, slowly letting his fingers travel over Hyungwon's lower back. The slim body on top of him shivered a little as the gorgeous man whimpered at the touch.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed and placed his elbows on each side of Hoseok’s head before kissing him again, more desperately while making their tongues meet. “I hate it, I- I keep thinking about it. This is fucking difficult.”

“I missed you so much, your touch and the way you taste, all of it,” he hissed, immediately leaning forward and catching Hyungwon's thick bottom lip and sucking on it. “You're fucking gorgeous.”

“Y- you too, god- you even make me stutter, fuck.” Hyungwon used his hand to grab Hoseok’s shirt before he threw himself to the side and pulled him along, hot lips instantly searching for his. The red-haired man didn't waste a second before wrapping his long legs around his hips, pulling him closer. “I keep wanting to be close. Fuck. I can't forget how you fucked me up on your studio desk.”

_You can’t forget it either._

“I want to hear you moan again, I love it so much, I keep thinking about the sounds you make, they’re gorgeous. I want to make a song and use them as the beat.” Hoseok moaned into Hyungwon’s mouth and pressed him down with his weight, before searching for the other man’s golden neck and attaching his lips to the sensitive skin.

“Oh god, why would you say that?” Hyungwon muttered and moaned again. It was beautiful, sound clear and low in the spacious garden. The other man's hands were roaming over his back and pulling at his hair, connecting their mouths. “You are mesmerizing when you feel pleasure, but if you spoil me, I'll keep wanting more and more, Hoseok.”

_More and more?_

There was an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, but he tried to ignore it by biting into Hyungwon's gorgeous neck.

“Don't you- want to feel my lips around you?” he asked shyly, nibbling along the other man's pretty collarbone.

“I do, fuck- of course I do, but then I'll want even more than that. Your fingers all over the place and- stuff. I'm sensitive,” Hyungwon whimpered and Hoseok could feel the other man's body tremble below him, lean legs tightening around his hips. “I'll be a moaning mess and beg you for- things.”

“Just shut up,” Hoseok hissed and lifted the other man's white shirt that was covered in dirt and grass stains, closing his lips around a small, dark nipple, sucking harshly while his hands explored the hot naked skin.

Hyungwon moaned and rubbed his red hair over the dark green grass, plump lips remaining parted and eyes squeezed closed. He looked gorgeous and like he was genuinely enjoying everything that Hoseok was doing to him.

“Fuck, please touch me more, Hoseok, please please please,” Hyungwon muttered helplessly and pulled him closer. He could feel the slim man push his hips upwards whenever he sucked on the small, erect bud. “I'll be good, I swear.”

Something about those words sent a spark to his lower body, setting him on fire and fueling his arousal further. He moaned and let his hips sink on top of Hyungwon, creating friction and returning his attention to the other man's nipples. God, he loved playing with them.

“Let's go inside, you'll wake up your neighbors. And I'll wake up your neighbors,” he murmured and got up, taking the other man's weightless body with him until they both stood on their feet. He couldn't stay away, immediately licking into the other man's mouth and moaning at the proximity.

“So- much- to- watching the moon,” Hyungwon gasped, pausing after each word to connect their mouths. The tall man wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck and jumped up, hugging him with his long, gorgeous legs. “Carry me wherever the fuck you want, I don't care at this point. Shit, kiss me.”

Another second passed as Hyungwon gasped again and pulled his hair forcefully enough to make him tilt his head back. Lips found his neck, kissing it until a tongue followed a path back to his lips.

“At the touch of you,  
As if you were an archer with your swift hand at the bow,  
The arrows of delight shot through my body.  

You were spring,  
And I the edge of a cliff,  
And a shining waterfall rushed over me,[2]” the gorgeous man whispered against his mouth.

“Fuck, just take me, drown me, Hyungwon,” he groaned and sunk his fingers into Hyungwon's thighs, carrying him somewhere, he didn't even know where his legs were taking him.

“You're the waterfall that covers me from head to toe,” the gorgeous man muttered against his lips and pulled at his hair again, whimpering as he rolled his hips into him, legs tightly crossed at his back.

Arriving at a room that looked like Hyungwon's bedroom, Hoseok threw the other man on top of the bed and took off his shirt, watching the gorgeous man from under his bangs. He had no idea why he suddenly went berserk, but he did and he wanted him. So fucking much.

Hyungwon gasped at the impact, chestnut brown eyes wide as he appeared impatient and stroked over his own naked chest with his long fingers. It was fascinating to watch as golden hands brushed over an equally golden stomach. An index finger caressed a dark, small nipple in a circular motion and it was easy to see how Hyungwon's legs trembled at the sensation, flexing irregularly.

“You- shit- you look like you're going to ruin me and I'll just scream thank you,” the red-haired man whimpered and Hoseok could see a brief motion in his tight shorts, just from the way he looked at Hyungwon.

Licking over his lips, he did the same, stroking over his chest and letting his fingers travel lower until they dipped into his jeans. He bit down on his lip to contain a moan and loosened the button, sliding down the zipper right after.

“You set me on fire, do you know that? Usually I feel nothing but pain.”

“Then it's time to forget all about pain, unless it's paired with pleasure,” Hyungwon replied, voice breathy as the beautiful man followed his example and slid his fingers into his tight shorts, moaning at the touch and spreading his legs a little. “Fuck, you make me want to have marks all over my thighs, signs that you touched me. Undress for me, babe.”

“I want you to do it,” Hoseok replied and caressed his covered erection with his flat palm. He wanted to feel Hyungwon's big hands all over his body, making him moan and lose his fucking mind.

The red-haired man was quick as he hissed and sat up, licking over his plump and swollen lips. Big palms reached out and grabbed his hips as he felt the heat of Hyungwon’s exhalations against his clothed erection and mouthed it, making his way up to his abs which he bit playfully.

“Shit, you're so fucking hot, Hoseok,” he whispered and a hot tongue was quick to follow the outline of his dick through the fabric of his underwear, wetting it with spit. Hyungwon's big hands roamed his body in the meantime, scratching lightly over his chest and rubbing over his erect nipples.

“Fuck,” he moaned at the ministrations and curled both hands into Hyungwon's red hair, pulling at it. He wanted the other man so fucking much, he wanted to kiss every spot on his body, every single one. “I want to explore every spot and taste it with my tongue, I can't think about anything else.”

“Fuck, don't say that, Hoseok, don't fucking do that unless you want me on my hands and knees, begging to be fucking licked, shit,” Hyungwon cursed and tugged the waistband of Hoseok’s underwear, far enough to reveal the tip of his dick which the other man instantly sucked on, tongue drawing circles over the head.

_He wants to be licked? While on all fours? You can do that._

The image let his arousal spike up even further and he twitched against Hyungwon's mouth.

“Get rid of the clothes and tell me how you like it, I'll do it,” he moaned and pulled a little rougher at the other man's hair.

Hyungwon whimpered around his erection and slurped his way back up, noises obscene as he let go of the dark tip and stared up at Hoseok, eyes wide.

“You- oh god,” the red-haired man muttered and unbuttoned his shorts, pulling them down with his underwear and throwing everything to the side. He seemed unwilling to allow Hoseok to let go of his hair as he kept whimpering and pushing his head against his hand whenever he loosened the grip. “Do- shit- do you want some- taste or something? Strawberry, banana, whatever?”

“What? I want to taste you, not strawberry,” he murmured, half confused and half dying because of the delirious arousal.

“Oh my god,” Hyungwon whispered, eyes still ridiculously wide as he simply rolled over and lifted up on all fours, butt in the air in Hoseok’s direction and head resting on his forearms. It was easy to see how quickly the other man was breathing, whole body rising and falling rapidly. Hyungwon's behind had the same color as his golden thighs. It seemed like the sun was able to bless all of the slim man's body with its touch. “Just- go ahead. Shit- I need a cock ring or I'll die.”

Hoseok didn't have precise knowledge about what a cockring was, but he could imagine. He just could not imagine what Hyungwon would need it for.

It felt strange to admit it, but Hoseok loved the way Hyungwon stretched out his behind.

_He's so fucking hot._

Licking over his lips, he got rid of his own clothes and kneeled behind Hyungwon, palms stroking over the other man's golden back and his sides. Something about his own position made him uncomfortable, but also more aroused, he couldn't really tell at this point. Leaning in, he placed a kiss on Hyungwon's pretty butt cheek, licking over it right after.

_There must be a spot he likes best._

“Tell me what you want me to do,” he murmured and bit into the perfectly smooth skin before sinking lower and licking over the other man's balls and upwards until he stopped and waited for an answer.

“Shit,” Hyungwon whimpered and he could tell how the other man's legs were shaking. He must have really liked it. A few seconds passed until the red-haired man shifted a little bit and wiggled his behind. “T-there,” he muttered and it sounded like he was biting on his own skin. “L-lick over it.”

_Do it._

Sticking out his tongue, he leaned in while holding Hyungwon's butt with both hands and licked a stripe carefully.

“Yes- that,” the other man muttered quickly and attempted to push his behind further into Hoseok’s face, unable to do so because of his tight grip. “I'm as clean as it gets, I swear. Just- just do what you would do with a woman. Fuck- please, I'll die.”

The begging got him going and he got a little bolder, kissing and licking between Hyungwon's cheeks, applying more pressure, just like the other man asked him to.

Whimpers turned into full blown moans as Hyungwon buried his face in the space between his arms and kept pushing back, thighs contracting repeatedly and spreading further apart.

“Please- give me your tongue, Hoseok. Please,” the red-haired man moaned when he suddenly reached behind himself with one arm, long fingers pulling at his butt cheek, showing more of his crack. “In- inside me.”

_Oh god._

He gasped but had no time to think much with Hyungwon's desperation. Sucking in a breath he leaned forward and licked with more pressure before pushing his tongue into Hyungwon's body.

“Fuck yes-” Hyungwon moaned loudly and almost fell forward, nails digging into the soft skin of his butt. The red-haired man sounded breathtaking, voice low and pleasure audible with each motion. “Just like that- fuck- please, Hoseok. Please.”

Hyungwon smelled like soap, fresh like pine trees, and he felt him contracting around his tongue. The beautiful moans continued and he repeated the movement, pushing a little further.

The other man moaned loudly and hissed right after, removing his hand from his butt cheek and curling it around his own erection. But instead of stroking it, it seemed like Hyungwon merely applied pressure, gasping repeatedly and whimpering Hoseok’s name.

“Shit, I'm never gonna hold out,” he hissed and moaned again, pushing against Hoseok’s tongue.

Holding Hyungwon's pretty butt with both hands, he continued the movements of his tongue, stimulating the skin with his lips in addition. It was so fucking tight. Hyungwon's body was.

It was nuts how all of Hyungwon's muscles suddenly tensed up and he felt the other man's entrance contract around his tongue. A scream left Hyungwon's beautiful plump lips as he released himself on the sheets, almost falling forward from the impact of his orgasm.

“Shit, fucking hell, Hoseok-” he babbled and sucked air into his lungs, back rising and falling in big motions.

_Did he just come? From your tongue? What?_

Shaken, he leaned back and licked over his lips staring at the gorgeous body under him. He crawled back a little, feeling how his erection twitched.

Hyungwon was still resting his forehead against the sheets when he suddenly took his right hand and inserted two fingers into his mouth, sucking on them with vigor while still remaining on all fours.

“Holy fucking shit,” the red-haired man muttered once he removed them from his red lips, sound obscene, and reached behind himself, rubbing right over the area that Hoseok had just pleasured with his tongue. A few seconds passed accompanied by some rough gasps until Hoseok saw Hyungwon's middle finger disappear in the slim man's body, just like that.

“Oh god, what- what are you doing?” he whispered, crawling back.

There was a low moan as Hyungwon paused the motions and let his finger slip back out of him. Turning around and sitting up, it was obvious how red the other man's face was.

“It- it feels pretty fucking good. I could come again with 4-5 stabs of my fingers,” he muttered and chewed on his bottom lip, body shaking a little. The additional color on Hyungwon's face was beyond gorgeous, continuing along his whole body and showing his arousal. “Sorry if I freaked you out. It- it feels so good, so I just- yeah.”

“It feels good? How can it feel good?” His breathing got quicker, but it wasn't because of arousal like before. There was a feeling of dread again and he closed his eyes, trying to think about something else, about Hyungwon's pretty face, ocean, sand, kisses, anything.

He could feel a warm palm on his chest, rubbing over it a little.

“There- well, it's biological. It feels good when you rub over the prostate and- uh, it's possible to reach it like that. I guess you could call it a male g-spot, only better. Some people are more sensitive than others and I-” Hyungwon chuckled before sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. “I just die from pleasure and come in a matter of seconds. It's not even an overestimation. I scream like crazy cause it's so good. Sorry again, it was probably scary.”

“It's- I don't know,” he murmured and got up, trying to locate himself again. After a few seconds he pointed at the door. “I'll be back.”

Hoseok turned away and walked into the hallway, searching for the bathroom and finding it after a few moments.

Closing the door behind himself, he sank to the ground breathing heavily. He needed to calm the fuck down, but it was hard. He wasn't home, he was at some house having trouble controlling his response.

_That's why you don't go out._

It was dark and it was okay, there was no one in the room, it was safe. It should've been safe.

_What kind of relationship is it if you can't even be close to him without panicking?_

It hurt. So fucking much that he held his stomach and tried to breathe steadily.

_Nothing will happen, Hoseok. Nothing will happen._

Why did it sound like a lie?

 

[1] ‘Shameless pig’ in French

[2] ‘At The Touch Of You’ by Witter Bynner, Public Domain


	11. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I am bound to you  
> With a leash of honest words  
> You run, I stumble"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 21th of March at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

The door to the bathroom fell shut and he could clearly hear the metallic sound of the lock sliding in, echoing through the deadly quiet house. It was absurd how quickly sounds could become so obvious, even if they had been present before.

Hyungwon was sitting on the bed and staring at his own toes, legs pulled up to his chest and arms curled around them. It was comfortable and felt a little less like a rejection than just sitting naked on his bed, all bare and vulnerable.

He had never encountered anybody who had been genuinely and obviously revolted by something that gave him pleasure. People were different and he knew that, of course, but still it had been terrifying to see the switch in Hoseok’s facial expression.

_As if you stabbed him. He looked physically in pain._

Hyungwon swallowed and rubbed over his long legs, hopefully to get rid of the obvious feeling of rejection that remained in his chest and performed its own dance for attention.

 

_‘I will sit here in silence_  
_I will not make a sound_  
_I am sorry you heard me_  
_Was I really that loud?_  
_Oh the silence is lonely_  
_But I will not reach out_  
_For the warmth must be earned_  
_And not stolen or bound._

_I am sorry I sang_  
_I thought you wanted to hear_  
_If my song is revolting_  
_I will stop it right here_  
_For you I tore myself open_  
_Now I'm closing the tear_  
_I will sew it shut tightly_  
_And no longer come near.’_

 

The words played in his mind as he blinked several times to get a grip on his emotions and stood up. Curling his fingers under the sheets, he pulled them off the bed, dirtied with his release and serving as a reminder of the pleasure Hoseok had given him. The switch had been so sudden, full blown arousal to fear and pain, in a matter of seconds.

_You have never killed anybody's erection, but there is always a first time._

The silver-haired man's reaction was a first for Hyungwon. Of course, there were men that preferred women and therefore had rather aversive reactions towards homosexuality and ‘butt stuff’’. But not even once had he experienced another man willing to rim him but panicking over the mere thought of a finger inside of him. And the fact that it felt mind-blowingly good.

_He fainted, Hyungwon. You told him implicitly that you want him inside of you and he fainted._

It was difficult to understand what was going on inside Hoseok’s head and Hyungwon was scared to dig deeper, to ask and make everything even worse.

_What if he's disgusted by you as a whole as soon as you say it again?_

Hyungwon cleaned up the bed quickly and pulled his underwear over his hips, worried that too much skin could confuse Hoseok even further. The singer had seemed out of it, not really looking at him or anything as he left the room and locked himself in the bathroom.

_You have no idea what he might be doing, Hyungwon, why the fuck are you still here?_

Eyes widening in panic, he crossed the distance to the bathroom and held his breath as he knocked carefully.

“Hoseok? Are- are you okay? Would you like a glass of water?” he asked quietly and pressed his forehead to the wooden door.

_He said he'll come back, but- he was so lost._

Instead of an answer there was shuffling and he heard the lock. The door opened slowly, revealing Hoseok's face that resembled a freshly painted white wall.

“Yeah, I'll get dressed and get myself a glass of water,” the other man murmured, opening the door further.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened even more at the sudden response and he stepped to the side, examining Hoseok intently. The other man was different again, not as terrified anymore and a little less disoriented.

“I have cookies if you like, and basically every type of snack that has ever been released on the market. I love eating unhealthy things and watching nature. It's totally my thing. How do you feel about that? Do you like snacks? Nature?” Hyungwon's mouth moved on without him, attempting to play over the discomfort and awkwardness by beginning proper conversion, anything that was more cheerful than the remaining bitterness in his mouth.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Just- let me wear something.” The marble-like human slipped passed him like a snake and walked towards the bedroom while presenting his gorgeous muscular ass, back and thighs.

“Do you hate being naked?” Hyungwon asked as he followed and leaned against the door frame to the bedroom. Even while asking it sounded like bullshit to him. Hoseok had undressed easily and did it for advertisements and in front of him countless times. There was nothing to be ashamed of or concerned about. “You're gorgeous, really muscular and firm. Do you work out a lot?”

_You know his damn routine, Hyungwon. What are you even asking?_

“Do you really want to know?” Hoseok slipped into his jeans quickly and picked his shirt up from the floor. The more skin was covered, the louder Hyungwon's heartbeat was hammering in his ears, screaming at him to do something. It was only a matter of time until Hoseok was going to walk out of the door.

“Honestly?” Hyungwon asked back and chewed on his bruised bottom lip. “I want to know if I can still hug you or whether I have done something terrible and you are now disgusted and going to leave any second. You know, the type when you say you're fine, walk through the door and never appear again? I'm kinda- scared of that.”

_Way to go, now he'll get even more upset._

“You- you didn't do anything. You don't want me to leave? I thought you would want me gone to be honest.” Finishing with his socks, Hoseok looked up, dark eyes focused on his face. “Do you want to hug me?”

“God, yes!” Hyungwon exclaimed and covered his face with his big palms, inhaling sharply. This was ridiculous. He hated misunderstandings.

“Listen up,” he began and uncovered his face again before stepping closer and undoing the button of Hoseok’s jeans again. “I really hate misunderstandings and I definitely want you to stay and maybe explain to me what made you uncomfortable so we can be responsible adults and shit and make sure I don't do that anymore. Also, you are going to take off these jeans because it'll make me feel better and safer cause you won't be able to run out of my house. Hopefully.” Hyungwon chuckled and pulled down the zipper, attempting to get rid of the offending clothing. “You know, with misunderstandings one ends up crying over deformed croissants and I'd rather cry over how fucking gorgeous you are and because you made me a cup of coffee. I definitely want you to stay and I want to hug you to get rid of the feeling that you're kinda disgusted by me. That.”

“I'm not disgusted by you at all, really, you're beautiful, so beautiful. I- I'm a little fucked in the head, just- let's not talk about this. Please.” He saw Hoseok's hands shake at his sides as if he didn't know what to do with them. “I won't go even if I'm wearing pants. Let me be dressed and let's go to the living room or something.”

_He's uncomfortable with the sexual. You have to reduce it._

“Shh,” Hyungwon whispered and quickly pulled the zipper back up and closed the button. Placing a kiss on Hoseok’s cheek, he smiled and pointed at his wardrobe. “Would you like me to get dressed too?”

He had to get rid of the other man's discomfort and make sure he felt at ease before addressing stuff that obviously made him faint and freak out.

“You can do whatever you like, let me get a glass of water,” Hoseok murmured and walked past him, quickly disappearing in the hallway.

_Is he running away?_

Hyungwon pursed his lips but decided not to interpret too much. Instead he pulled out a pair of tight jeans from his wardrobe and slipped them over his legs. They looked nice and without a shirt his navel piercing was still visible.

“Hoseok,” he began once he was done and entered the kitchen where the sea-haired man was emptying a gigantic crystal glass that his mother had given him for god knows what. “I don't think you are fucked in the head. Because then I'm fucked in the head whenever I meet my grand aunt. That woman is the devil, seriously.”

Dark eyes glanced at him briefly, gaze catching at his navel before travelling back to his face.

“Can you give me a cookie?”

Hyungwon burst out laughing, holding his waist for a few seconds as his laughter echoed through his kitchen. Hoseok was so fucking adorable that he wanted to wrap himself around the other man's muscular body and squish him.

“Of course,” he finally squeezed out and opened his ‘unhealthy treasure’ cupboard and pulled out a package of Christmas cookies. It was summer, but who really cared about that? “Those are fucking delicious, so I always make sure to have a stash. Oh- concerning my aunt, when she found out that I was gay she'd constantly make those terrible dresses by herself and gift them to me, thinking I'm into wearing dresses. I still can't get rid of the suspicion that it's my mom's fault. She kept wanting a girl and when I said I'm gay she was all ‘ _Merveilleux_ , you can be my new _meilleure amie_ ’. Fuck my life. Do you have siblings?”

Hoseok shook his head and took one of the cookies, stuffing it into his mouth and chewing thoroughly. It almost seemed as if the other man wanted to use his mouth for anything else but talking. His lips moved along and it looked hilarious.

“I still want to hug you, so I hope you forgive me for just going ahead,” Hyungwon muttered and threw the cookies on top of the counter carelessly. Smiling widely, he wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck and pulled him into a tight embrace, inhaling his scent. It felt good, like everything was just a tiny hint better than several moments ago.

“You smell nice,” the low voice whispered, as Hoseok's hands curled around his waist hesitantly, embracing him. “Better than cookies.”

“Better than cookies? Blasphemous,” Hyungwon replied and laughed, hugging the gorgeous man only tighter. “I wrote a haiku for you. Just now, in my head.”

“You did? Mind sharing?” Hyungwon could see the other man's mouth corners lift up a little, teasing a smile. It was stunning, returning the beloved sensation of warmth and happiness to his chest.

 

“I am bound to you  
With a leash of honest words  
You run, I stumble,” he read out and giggled again, placing a soft kiss on a spot right below Hoseok’s ear. “Such is love.”

“I have no idea about love,” Hoseok whispered in reply, before he could hear the other man's beautiful low voice singing right next to his ear.

Hyungwon placed a kiss on Hoseok’s lips, enjoying the sensation for a little longer than was appropriate for a simple kiss.

Clearing his throat, he closed his eyes and focused on the words, to recall them correctly and express what he wanted the other man to feel.

 

“Love is but a word  
Too often it is spoken, sometimes heard.  
They who use it without irony  
Know rarely what they mean.  
There are variants; my dictionary  
Lists at least sixteen.

But if you deal in letters  
Like me or know a little of these matters  
You’ll know the sudden joy, the solemn glee  
Of finding the right word  
Of playing meanings like a symphony  
In the orchestra of heart.

Used for a thousand times  
It rings anew with unexpected chimes  
And sings and for the first time it feels true  
The trope becomes a trove  
And that I feel like this when I’m with you  
Must mean that I’m in love.”

 

“Sounds beautiful. But you know my music so you might know my answer.” Hoseok chuckled bitterly and sang another verse, a desperate and sad one. It seemed as if the other man was feeling worthless.

Hyungwon shook his head and stroked over Hoseok’s soft hair, enjoying the way it felt between his fingers. He knew the bitterness in the other man's songs and he knew the emotions that accompanied them. More than once he had found himself in a situation that evoked similar feelings. But it seemed so much graver for the muscular man, chuckling at his own desperation.

“You're precious to me,” Hyungwon whispered even though it must have been meaningless, said into the air like the rustling of the wind.

“It seems like it, but I don't understand why.” The other man's arms tightened around him all of a sudden, pulling him into an intense hug. It almost felt like those strong fingers held onto him, scared to let go and lose him.

“Because we share something special,” Hyungwon replied and leaned his weight on Hoseok’s strong body, letting the other man carry it. “There seems to be a lot that connects us, thin strings and ribbons that pass through various times in our lives and appear to connect us. That is how it feels to me.”

“Thank you,” Hoseok whispered against his neck and inhaled sharply. “And I'm sorry.”

“Don't be,” Hyungwon whispered and kissed the other man's lips again. It was intimate and he could feel a tingling in his fingertips. His body was trying to tell him something, make him realize what was between them and give it a name, but he didn't want to. “I want you to close your eyes and think of the ocean, the beach and the way it was back then as I speak.”

Hyungwon also closed his eyes, imagining that the wind was blowing and ruffling up his hair. He thought of the sensation of sand under his feet and remembered his desire to reach out and hold the slim boy's hand, to rub his thumb over the soft, pale skin.

 

“Shadows are not free like Peter Pan's  
Their feet must always meet our soles in dance  
And every time my thoughts return to France  
I build a prison of our time in trance.

A shadow’s manacles are forged of light  
They soften in the secrecy of night  
Back into your arms I will take flight  
And you replace my bonds and hold me tight.”

 

“I wish you didn't leave back then.” Hoseok's barely audible whisper tickled the shell of his ear, before the beautiful man leaned back and kissed him.

Hyungwon hummed as he kissed back, long fingers raking through the soft strands of hair and slim body pressing closer to Hoseok’s chest. He wasn't wearing a shirt, so each touch of Hoseok’s warm hands on his skin was a blessing. It felt perfect to kiss the silver-haired man, like it was supposed to happen. He felt happy, really happy.

_Because you really like him, Hyungwon. Independent of whether he is the famous singer you enjoyed for years or not._

“Should we go to bed? I feel like passing out.” Hoseok pushed him towards the hallway while still holding him in a tight embrace and kissing his lips.

Hyungwon smiled and stroked over Hoseok’s hair and transitioned smoothly to his shoulders and warm back. His feet kept walking backwards as he didn't want to stop kissing the other man's curved mouth. It felt so quick, the way tension exploded between them, calmed down and turned to awkwardness only to transform into the desire to be close, to kiss and then entangle their bodies. There was nothing that Hyungwon wanted apart from lying in Hoseok’s arms and kissing his lips, breathing the silver-haired man's delicious scent.

“We can do anything you like as long as you stay,” he whispered and wrapped his legs around Hoseok’s waist, holding on tightly and letting himself be carried wherever the other man wanted him to go.

_You don't need much, Hyungwon. It's okay like this._

_

 

“Ryan Reynolds getting fucked in the ass in Deadpool is one of the biggest gifts of the century,” Minhyuk remarked as said actor enjoyed his girlfriend fucking him with a strap on on the giant screen. Hyungwon had only bought it because his mother had insisted that it was important to be able to offer something to guests, be it food or superior entertainment. Deadpool was definitely superior entertainment. Apart from the blood that is, Hyungwon was a little squeamish there.

“I remember you saying something else was the ‘biggest gift in this century’ only a week ago,” Hyungwon replied and giggled, throwing himself on the gigantic black leather couch that stood in the middle of the living room. Actually, he had wanted a different colored one, but the black ink of the poems on his walls had screamed for a black leather couch. There had been nothing else he was able to argue for.

“Last time it was my ass, but I have decided that it is the eighth wonder of the world.”

Hyungwon laughed even louder and prepared to get hit as he pointed out to his dear best friend that he did not possess anything that even remotely fulfilled the qualities of ‘an ass’, much like himself.

“You wrote a poem about it when we were teenagers,” Minhyuk pointed out and pressed his lips together, turning them into a funny mass of wrinkles. There was something cute about the expression even though it was meant to convey dissatisfaction.

“I didn’t know better back then. It was before I met the love of my life on the beach in France and shamelessly attached myself to his body until I was allowed to kiss him in his tent.” He laughed at the memory and the fact that he had actually been a pretty sneaky fifteen-year-old, despite his fear of being rejected because of his sexuality. Still he had kissed Hoseok in the water, embraced him constantly and asked to ‘heat him up’ in the tent. It was shameless as fuck, but alas, it was still part of his character. Backing off wasn’t really his thing unless he got a big ass rejection thrown his way.

_Like fainting at the thought of fucking you._

Hyungwon couldn’t think of a single time that a comment of his was worth turning the infamous face of Ryan Reynolds to black, but apparently just now had been one of those comments. Minhyuk’s eyes widened comically and he grabbed the remote, shutting off the TV and consequently the movie.

“Why...would you suddenly mention that boy in France?” the blonde man asked and basically crawled all over his lap, delicate index finger poking his chest and scrawny ass pushing down on his thighs. It was going to be one of those interrogation evenings. Actually, Hyungwon was glad, because he surely had a lot to talk about.

“Because I met him again,” he replied and smiled widely, enjoying the change of expression on Minhyuk’s face.

“Holy shit!” his best friend exclaimed and jumped up, right on Hyungwon’s thighs. “Did you punch him for burning your calf? Fuck, that’s wild! It was in the middle of nowhere and I remember how you started that Twitter account and posted your poems after that.”

_And he still has no idea who it is._

“You- might have to hold on for the next bit,” Hyungwon commented and winced as Minhyuk grinned again and buried his fingers in his shoulders.

“Hit me.”

“It’s O-NO.”

Hyungwon stared straight ahead into Minhyuk’s eyes. The blonde man narrowed them a little and didn’t say anything, lips remaining pressed together into a thin line and blinking unevenly. It was really pretty about him.

“Shit, you’re not kidding.”

“Nope.”

“But fucking how?” Minhyuk shifted on top of him and drank from his wine glass like it was water, swallowing down a few gulps before placing it back on the table. “You can’t just crush on some boy in France, make out with him, suddenly disappear, begin stanning him once he becomes famous and then meet him personally and crush again. That’s just- I don’t know. It’s like a fucking soap opera. Now you only need to be siblings and inherit a kingdom while slicing each other’s throats.”

“What kind of soap operas are you watching? Holy fuck,” Hyungwon muttered and raised his eyebrows in amusement. The way Minhyuk expressed it, it did sound kinda preposterous, almost as if they were meant to meet again. Apart from the fact that Hoseok was a little weirded out by certain sexual practices and didn’t want to fuck apparently.

“Does that mean you guys are the next Ed Sheeran and Cherry Seaborn or what? Well- in gay that is.” Minhyuk laughed maniacally and wiggled on his lap again. Only a second passed before his best friend grabbed his wineglass and emptied it. “This is fucking insane.”

“Shut up, Minhyuk. We aren’t an item or anything. We are happy to have met again and hang out and I like him a lot as you know. I happen to be lucky because he said that he likes me too. God,” Hyungwon muttered and massaged his temples, wondering how long his thighs were capable of enduring the weight of another man without complaining and telling him to switch positions.

“Of course, darling. You guys ‘hang out’ and ‘like each other’. You know what that is? Fucking adorable, that’s what it is.” His best friend only continued laughing as he massaged his shoulders and placed an absolutely superfluous kiss on his forehead, probably because he was tipsy.

“It’s complicated. He- well- he kinda fainted when I told him I would like him to fuck me.”

_There you go, now it’s out._

The blonde man stopped wiggling on top of him as his expression dropped. It only lasted for a few seconds until he suddenly smiled.

“My kink.”

“No that’s not your fucking kink,” Hyungwon groaned and brushed through his hair. Maybe he should have begun this conversation before his best friend emptied his third glass of wine. “I don’t fucking know how to deal with that, because I understand ‘nah, bro not my thing’ and I understand ‘I need some time to get used to the idea of putting my dick inside your ass’ but I am not really familiar with ‘I’m up for eating your ass like delicious ice cream but talking about putting my dick in there and hearing how much you enjoy it is kinda meh’. Like- what the fuck? How the hell am I supposed to interpret that?”

It was beyond frustrating. It had been amazing to have Hoseok stay over and to drink the delicious coffee that the silver-haired man had prepared with his coffee machine after rummaging through his kitchen. Sleeping in the other man’s arms had also been wonderful just like listening to his low voice as he fell asleep, but still the fact that he had freaked Hoseok out remained in the back of his head. What the hell was going on and what had been the problem? They didn’t talk about it, so Hyungwon had no fucking idea.

“Lol,” Minhyuk remarked out loud as he licked over his lips and pursed them again. He seemed in thought.

“It’s not fucking ‘lol’. I’m serious over here, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon pushed the other man from his lap and pulled his legs up on the couch, folding them underneath him.

“I get it, but I mean- it sounds like pretty extreme performance anxiety to me. You know- if you’ve never done butt stuff it could be that he’s a little weirded out and scared of getting soft. Like poof and suddenly the glorious rod is not all that glorious anymore. It’s sad and scary probably. Not like I ever wanted to know that about O-NO, but you are amazing at telling people things they don’t want to hear.”

“You’re one to talk.” Hyungwon groaned again and tried to think about whether Hoseok had looked terrified. It seemed more like he was in pain at the mere thought of Hyungwon wanting to put something inside himself. Almost like he was convinced it couldn’t be nice.

_Maybe he tried and didn’t like it?_

That didn’t make a lot of sense because the only other time Hoseok had been with a man had been Hyungwon, ten years ago. His memory wasn’t the best but he definitely hadn’t put his dick anywhere close to the silver-haired man back then. Apparent from rubbing it over his thigh that is.

_You’re hopeless._

“He didn’t seem like it was performance anxiety and he also said that it’s not me. Like- I thought I disgusted him or something because he ran away to the bathroom, but he was all ‘no, you’re beautiful’,” Hyungwon elaborated and rubbed over his own knees, wondering when everything had suddenly begun to get so complicated.

“But that’s what they all say, isn’t it? I can’t imagine anybody telling their sexual partner that they are disgusting. I mean, it could be that something isn’t really arousing to him. Running away is a little extreme, but I did have a boy that pussied out once. Can happen, just make sure you don’t give him the feeling it’s his fault.”

Hyungwon hummed at the reply. It was a little more helpful than the rest. He might have been a little too daring with Hoseok, especially considering the position he had been in.

“Maybe you have a point, I was kinda- yeah.” He decided not to give his friend the details as he chewed on his cheek and wondered if Hoseok was upset with him. The singer hadn’t really replied to his messages even though he posted on Twitter. Both happened from the same phone, so there was no way that Hoseok hadn’t seen it.

“I always have a point, you just never listen,” Minhyuk exclaimed dramatically and threw his legs over the armrest of the couch while placing his blonde head on Hyungwon’s lap. “Just be happy that you guys hang out. You’re really lucky there. Not many manage to meet their idol and become friends and all that jazz. He’s fucking famous and barely friends with anybody. Also, who else can say they met their teenage-crush-turned-famous-singer? No-fucking-body. Write a poem about how lucky you are and give him a break. Don’t be greedy, Hyungwon.”

_He’s right, stop being so greedy, Hyungwon._

How difficult could it be to stay chaste and friends, right?

_

 

Hyungwon slapped his flat palm on top of his wooden office desk and listened to the way it echoed through the room. It broke the constant stream of nothing and too much work that seemed to accompany him. His head hurt like a bitch and at this point he wanted to take his phone and throw it out of the window, so he wouldn't have to stare at it anymore, waiting for a message or call that didn't come.

He had written to Hoseok countless times, attempted to call with nobody picking up and he had even gone all the way to the singer's apartment only to be ignored and not buzzed through. It was a little difficult to be chaste and stay friends when there was no damn option to see each other. One might even call it fascinating how difficult it was to meet and talk even if all methods of communication were his. The last resort was to sit in front of Hoseok’s door step until he came home but Hyungwon wasn't at that point yet.

_But he shouldn't have lied that he was fine and that you didn't do anything._

He obviously had done something terrible that involved avoidance. Hyungwon resorted to using his poetry account in the attempt to show Hoseok how much he missed him with small poems and one-liners, but there hadn't been any response so far.

At least he was able to know about Hoseok’s schedules again, using his poetry account to follow the relevant accounts.

 It felt a little bit like he had only lost in the end, his stan account, feeling at home in the fandom, Hoseok.

Not to mention the mass of work.

Jooheon was demanding and kept adding extras he wanted and Hyungwon felt almost embarrassed to call the venue every day and adjust things. It felt like the other man suddenly felt bad and began to look for reasons to stay in contact and it was only having the opposite effect. Hyungwon wanted a fucking break. He wanted to go to France, roll in the sand and forget about everything.

_But you have to adult instead._

There was a loud knock and approximately half a second before the door opened and he was met with Kihyun’s face, cringing a little for no apparent reason.

“Hey, Hyungwon. I asked your talkative friend and he said that you have time for a talk. I have some issues I need to solve and I will need you for that matter.”

_What?_

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and his mind instantly provided him with a snarky response. He also had a mass of issues to solve, most of which involved Lee Hoseok and being unable to contact him. Luckily, he managed to stop himself just in time. He was a professional after all.

“Of course, Kihyun. Please sit down, what can I do for you?” he replied with a forced smile and gestured towards the chair across from his desk. There was only one reason for Yoo Kihyun, the manager of O-NO to come to an event manager and Hyungwon was just about to ask the heavens about his bad fate. It almost felt like whenever he had issues with a person they came to him and asked for professional competence. Maybe the world was testing his emotional endurance.

The serious looking man sat down and threw his head back, letting it out a groan.

“I'll sum it up. O-NO has a European tour coming up in a few weeks, I already had a company and a tour manager but- well, my celebrity friend said he's not going anywhere unless you manage it. He's not really in his best state at the moment, so I can't really discuss it.”

  _Hoseok wants you and nobody else?_

But that wasn't even the point.

“What do you mean by he's not in his best state?” he asked and swallowed. It wasn't really his place to ask, not with the minimal knowledge that Kihyun had of him and Hoseok, but Hyungwon still needed to know.

Kihyun's expression changed and he felt the other man's intense gaze settle on him.

“It's complicated. Do you- do you guys talk a lot? I mean, Hoseok must be close to you to throw such a fit.”

“We kinda were until he stopped replying to my messages, so I am rather surprised that he suddenly wants me to manage his tour. I am grateful of course, only- bewildered.” Hyungwon licked over his lips and crossed his legs, fumbling with documents that had nothing to do with Kihyun but made him look in control of the situation. “Is he okay? Is there a reason for not answering that has nothing to do with me?”

_There could be a lot of things, Hyungwon, especially after what you have seen in his bathroom._

“Weird. You didn't- show him any movies or anything similar? Ah, forget it. Anyway, his tour is soon and I'm going nuts because nothing is functioning including O-NO. I told him that you do local events and can't just go on tour leaving everything behind but- he's not really reasonable right now, so I thought I'd get your rejection and go back trying to persuade him with something different.” The manager looked exhausted.

“I’ll do it.”

Hyungwon was mental, fucking mental. Kihyun was perfectly right, he only did domestic events and definitely didn’t go on tour god knows where with random celebrities to organize their events without any contacts. But- there was something to it. It was a possibility to see Hoseok, to be close and make sure to solve whatever the fuck had happened that forced the other man to stay away from him.

In addition, his uncle had quite a few contacts abroad, he could totally do it. He only needed to try harder and invest more time. Preferably also ditch all his other responsibilities.

_Fuck, you’re going mad._

“I understand, I thought so- Wait what?” Kihyun stood up and almost fell over, turning around and staring at him with his mouth open. “Are you crazy? Do you know what this means? You'll have to live in a hotel for two weeks and work like a maniac in addition to managing Hoseok's attitude. Why would you do this to yourself?”

_Why would you do this to yourself?_

Hyungwon smiled uncharacteristically and shrugged his shoulders.

“I like travelling I guess,” he commented and tried to imagine it, to think of changing hotels all the time, dealing with all the stress. There was so much to it and no break. But there was also Hoseok. “And I like Hoseok I guess.”

Sighing, he turned to the side and lifted his office phone from the receiver, pressing the connecting button to his uncle. He was able to think whatever he wanted, but he was going to be roasted alive if he simply did whatever he wanted.

“Hyungwon?” his uncle’s low voice sounded through the receiver. Hyungwon wasn't right next to him but it felt like he could smell the cigarettes on him all the way through the digital connection.

“I was offered to manage a tour, non-domestic, I'd like to do it,” he replied with a glance towards Kihyun who was still standing in the middle of his office, staring at him like he had lost his mind. He probably had.

“You what?” There was shuffling and Hyungwon could hear the older man send somebody away. He was worthy of all the attention now.

“I want to manage an international tour. I'm pretty confident I can do this, you will only need to hook me up.”

“But-” his uncle began but stopped as soon as Hyungwon huffed and chewed on his bottom lip. “You're pouting, aren't you?”

_Of course, you are._

“Yep.”

“God, just go ahead but don't tell your mother.” The connection broke and Hyungwon returned the receiver to its station, smiling brightly at the man in front of him.

“I got the okay from above. Starting when can I forget about my life?”

“Two weeks. You're both nuts, but differently.” Kihyun massaged his temples and walked towards the door. “I'll write you an email. A few emails. A lot of emails.”

Hyungwon smiled again and licked over his lips to appear composed.

“Sounds good.”

 

***

 

‘Again you’re drunk  
afraid to lose  
your consciousness in hurt  
sick of the pain  
it’s merciless abuse  
and nothing helps  
not even words.

You’re here again  
my only friend  
I never asked for such a visit  
but sinking back  
is not an end  
to this familiar torture  
is it?’

_Is it?_

(M. Gabriel)

Hoseok had no answer to this question. Just lyrics that appeared like hallucinations and begged him to write them down, to make them stay, just like the image of the beautiful man without a hair color, because Hoseok didn’t know what it was anymore. They hadn’t seen each other for ages and he felt as if all of it had been a dream, apart from the fact that it hadn’t. It wasn’t a dream, the old picture next to the gin bottle on his work desk, a black-haired boy, smiling with his face cupped in his uncharacteristically big hands, reminded him of the fact that all of it happened.

_You fainted and you had a panic attack. It came back, just like that._

He was not himself, irritable and unable to communicate properly. Pictures and the feeling of danger accompanied him wherever he went, just waiting to come out and ruin everything, to make him relive all the negative feelings at once, uncontrollable and frightening.

_It doesn’t stop._

Kihyun was worried, trying to talk him out of his idea to involve Hyungwon, but he had no other option. He couldn’t meet him, not when he didn’t know when he would faint again. He still remembered the other man’s vulnerable expression, even though it wasn’t his fault. It was Hoseok’s. He didn’t understand why he suddenly couldn’t breathe and the thoughts started to develop in his head, meaningless fragments, a white house, a room, a low voice and the feeling that he would faint any moment.

Grabbing the gin bottle, he took a sip and distracted himself with the burning down his throat. It was better, way better than the feeling that something would happen to him, something he had no influence over. The funny thing was, that Hoseok didn’t believe that he had to be protected, or that he was worthy of having a life without problems.

_Your thoughts create more pain than the danger itself._

Chuckling, he took the framed picture and stared at Hyungwon’s youthful face. How could he have forgotten the other man’s name when he was summer, the opposite of the constant drowning and agony? Hoseok missed him. He missed him so much and there was nothing he could do besides not answer the phone like a coward and cry about the other man’s messages and poems that he had posted on his other account. Fuck.

He felt helpless because his feelings for Hyungwon were so strong that he almost choked on their intensity as soon as his thoughts drifted towards the beautiful man with the golden skin. Why couldn’t he have love? Why did he start feeling all of it, just to suffer in his apartment alone?

_Because you can’t be close to him. You want to, but you can’t.  
_

_

  
The past few weeks passed like a drug dream, leaving almost no memories besides pills, alcohol and Kihyun's attempts to get him to function.

_You are functioning, otherwise you wouldn't be at the airport smiling at all these cameras._

Marcia had dressed him well, otherwise he would've worn a black shirt and pants. She had also dyed the black roots, making the sea hair perfect.

“What are we actually waiting for?” he asked Kihyun after almost getting a cramp in his jaw from all the smiling. They had to board the plane in an hour, but hadn't moved for ten minutes, waiting for something.

“Hyungwon. Ah, there he is. I hope that you're happy forcing a guy to fly around Europe with you, even though he has better things to do. He said he likes you though. Can't relate.” Kihyun smiled and waved at somebody while he almost choked.

_How could you forget? You threw a fit and told him you won't go on tour if he doesn't come with you._

Swallowing loudly, he remembered that everything was recorded, every twitch on his face and every smile. He looked in the direction of Kihyun's gaze and spotted Hyungwon. He was gorgeous, perfectly dressed in a grey suit and a white shirt that he had tucked into his slim fit suit pants. The white shirt had an unusual cut, resembling a ribbon that curled around the other man's neck and there were white flowers on Hyungwon's suit jacket. Even his suitcase was color coordinated and half his size.

The other man's hair was a platinum blonde color, bright compared to the golden skin of Hyungwon's face. Big eyes were focused on his face as the slim man came closer and stopped right in front of them, smiling widely.

“ _Bonjour_ , hope you guys are fresh and up for viscous summers. Anything is better than British weather.” Hyungwon laughed loudly, sound pleasant and familiar.

“Definitely, god, I'm sorry that you have to come but I'm also thankful. A lot. Hit me up if you need something, I'll be there,” Kihyun commented and smiled, patting Hyungwon's shoulder lightly. It was weird, usually his manager and friend wasn’t the friendly type.

Hoseok tried hard to control his facial expression and smiled too, staring at the other man's hair and face like a creep.

“You're blonde.”

_Congratulations, Hoseok. You should drink less, it’s starting to show._

“Yeah, I decided that I've been sad and dark-haired for long enough, so it's time to correspond to the brightness of the weather and shine bright like a fucking diamond,” Hyungwon exclaimed and raised his fist. “You look pretty good considering you've been basically dead for the past three weeks.”

“Sshh, they can read lips. Shouldn't you know? It's scary,” he whispered, leaning in closer and holding his hand in front of his mouth. “You- look amazing. I still can't believe you came.”

“Listen, Hoseok. There is not a single person on this damn planet that can read my lips. Have you seen them move?” Hyungwon laughed again and pointed at his thick lips, pouting them a little for effect. “Also, what's better than leaving this island, dressed in a hot suit and ready to impress with my last-minute work?”

_His lips are beautiful._

“Drinking and hoping that one won't wake up?” Hoseok murmured, forgetting where he was and that there were people everywhere. Kihyun slapped his shoulder and hissed.

“But yes, you have a point. I guess,” he added and watched the reporters and fans take pictures of him next to Hyungwon. “I hope that you're okay with all the publicity.”

“Well, I assumed that I wouldn't be able to remain my gorgeous wallflower self after coming on tour with you. I warned Minhyuk that he shouldn't scream around that he knows me.” The other man slapped his shoulder and grinned at his manager. “I appreciate your emails, Kihyun, they were very helpful considering I had exactly two weeks for this shitshow.”

_It's your fault. Because you wanted him to come._

Hoseok looked to the side, acting as if he didn't hear anything and curled his fingers around his black suitcase with a leopard print pillow attached to it.

“So- let's get going, my jaw hurts a little and you can hate on me somewhere else, Kihyun, without the press watching.”

“I don't hate on you, you idiot. I slept next to you in your fucking tent in that stupid double sleeping bag in France. If I hated you, I would've ditched you back then,” Kihyun muttered and threw his head back, before giving info to the staff as they started moving towards the security area.

_Why would he insult your tent?_

“You're the friend that he went to France with?” Hyungwon asked, surprise obvious from his voice as he followed along.

“Huh? He told you? Yeah, we have known each other for a very long time and I slept in his tent three years in a row. Apart from that one time where he came back and was suddenly a different person. That was scary. I told him to go back, but he even ditched a French stop of his tour because it was in Nantes. Too close. Anyways, I can't believe you told him about this. You never do.” Kihyun watched him intently, pulling his suitcase after himself.

“Yeah, I did.” He stopped in the middle of walking and tried to pull out his chewing gum. Why couldn't Kihyun talk about the weather, or women, or other things men talked about, why was it always something intimate and relevant?

“That one time?” Hyungwon asked but didn't elaborate further, merely chewing on his cheek and letting one of the staffs take care of his suitcase, almost like he was already used to it.

“Yeah, he never went back after that. So, I hope you dudes don't have anything fishy in your bags, we don't have much time.”

Hoseok walked after his friend and didn't dare to look at the gorgeous blonde man next to him. Just his feet. He looked at his feet.

“Nice shoes.”

_You should've stayed at home._

“Thanks, love them. It's a style that looks fancy and like you should have been asking somebody to marry you in them but at the same time you didn't try too hard,” Hyungwon babbled happily and curled his hand around his arm as soon as they entered the VIP waiting area.

He missed him. God, Hoseok had missed him so much. A noticeable shiver passed through his body at the mere touch of Hyungwon's long, warm fingers.

“Why did you agree?” he asked, watching the beautiful blonde man intently but fearing his answer at the same time.

“Because I like you,” was the simple reply as Hyungwon threw himself on one of the white leather couches and crossed his legs. The other man's fingers instantly reached out for a glass of water as he emptied it.

“I- I like you too,” he whispered and stared at the empty spot next to the fashionable blonde man.

_Just sit down already!_

Exhaling sharply, he sunk into the couch and closed his eyes. He was running on half an hour of sleep and was absolutely exhausted.

_And it will get worse._

_

 

The flight was okay, even though he had to sit next to Hyungwon and watch how the other man's suit pants hugged his lean thighs perfectly.

The event manager took care of everything and they got picked up from the airport, without having to face a swarm of fans.

After they arrived at the fancy hotel, Hyungwon took care of everything professionally, it was fun to watch him work. His cheerful personality definitely helped while dealing with all kinds of people and situations.

_But you still haven't talked. He won't ignore the fact that you didn't write or reply to him. Ever._

Feeling how the mild anxiety spread in the area of his stomach, he took the keycard that Hyungwon handed out and entered the elevator.

“Ahahaha, be careful or Hyungwon will be more popular than you, they're already going crazy on Twitter. It's full of pictures of you two whispering to each other.” Kihyun turned his phone and pushed it into his face. There was a high definition picture of him and Hyungwon, he looked a little taken aback while Hyungwon's smirk was in the focus.

_Oh god._

“He- looks good, that's why,” he murmured and looked to the side.

Hyungwon was leaning against the mirrored wall and took a careful glance at the phone screen.

“Thank you for the compliment, makes it surprising why anybody would want to ignore a gorgeous person like me, right?” the blonde man commented and curled his arm around Hoseok’s shoulders. “There are still a few things I would like to discuss with you. I'm sure you have some time for me.”

_Oh no._

“Uh, yeah sure,” he muttered and basically jumped out of the elevator, searching for the room number 514. It was on the left side and he pulled out the card, sliding it into the slot before removing it again. A look to the side revealed Hyungwon doing the same at the door next to his.

_Oh god. He's right next to you._

He couldn't remember being like this, panicking just from a single thought about a person, but there he was.

“I'll be with you in a moment, get comfortable and don't even think about not opening the door, I have an extra key.” Winking at him, Hyungwon licked over his lips once and disappeared inside his hotel room.

_Holy shit._

The worst was that he definitely thought about showering, just to have an excuse to not open the door. Fuck. He was scared.

After closing the door behind him, he went straight to the bathroom and washed his face with cold water, forcing a pink color onto his usually pale cheeks.

Hoseok felt like he was suffocating, so he unbuttoned the first two buttons of his dark blue silk shirt and opened the bottle of water that the service prepared, drinking all of it in one go. He thought about gin, but he had to go to the venue later. He had only performed in Amsterdam once in a really small club, so it was a new experience and he wanted to make himself familiar with the new setup.

_No gin for you until you're done._

It felt like only seconds passed until there was a knock on the door, accompanied by the soft noise of knuckles rubbing over the wooden surface.

Hoseok felt the panic rise and inhaled sharply, keeping the air inside his lungs for longer than necessary before he exhaled and pushed the handle down.

“You're fast,” he muttered and turned away, walking to the big double bed and letting himself fall on top of it, staring at the ceiling instead of his, probably fucking gorgeous, guest.

“Because I missed you,” Hyungwon replied and Hoseok could feel a weight shift in the mattress before a soft hand brushed over his arm.

“I missed you too.” It felt so stupid. He had been the one to ignore Hyungwon's attempts to get in touch, but it didn't change the feeling. His skin tingled on the spot that Hyungwon had touched and he turned his head to face the other man's beautiful face. His body appeared to be frozen as he simply stared into the big, brown eyes, so expressive, as if there was no need for words. “I'm sorry. You can hit me if you like, but not the face, I have to perform,” he muttered and shifted a little closer. “Thank you for the poems, they were beautiful.”

“I don't want to hit you, Hoseok, it's childish,” the blonde man replied and let his long fingers draw undefined patterns on his arm, circles that turned into spirals and spanned his shoulders. “I didn't think you saw my poems because you didn't reply. To be honest, I'm mostly sad that you lied to me, saying that everything is fine and I haven't done anything wrong. Obviously, I did, otherwise there wouldn't have been a reason to avoid me.”

“No, no it's- it's really not you, Hyungwon. Fuck- I can't even explain it properly without getting a stomach ache.” He turned away and lay on his back, staring at the ceiling and at loss for words. He didn't want to say it, because he couldn't talk about it anyway. Not without panicking.

“I must have scared you somehow, done something disgusting or god knows what,” Hyungwon muttered and stroked along his arm until slim fingers intertwined with his. “You were all fine before I did it, so I must have triggered the desire to run away. What about me is it? Maybe I can change it! Or I can just keep my distance and not jump you like a thirsty teenager. Sex doesn't matter all that much to me as long as you don't avoid me, we can ditch it if you like.”

_But you want to be close to him. You're just fucked in the head._

"If- if I tell you the reason, will you promise that you won't ask any more questions? It's not because of you, I- I can't stop thinking about you. I've never wanted someone so much, I- I'm just fucked in the head, Hyungwon. There's literally nothing that you've done wrong.” Hoseok closed his eyes and sighed. It was a mess and he really hoped that he wouldn't have to think about the reasons any longer.

“Please tell me, Hoseok. I want to know to be able to help,” the blonde man whispered and slipped a little closer, leaning in to be able to look at his face.

“You don't need to help me and you can't help me either, the only reasonable thing you can do is to stay away from me and live your life without entangling it with unnecessary chaos that is me.” Hoseok sucked in a breath and remembered the time he had told Kihyun about his diagnosis. He tried to remember the exact words, it had seemed easier back then, his best friend didn't ask him questions and accepted it without any judgement, but they have known each other for a long time.

_That's why you don't engage with people._

“I mean, you've seen my pills, right? I have been taking them for years already. I have PTSD but there's no time for psychotherapy lately. I was fucked in the head ten years ago too, when we met. You and me. I take the meds and they're okay and prevent most of the symptoms, but sometimes there are triggers I can't explain and they knock me down. Just- like at your place. Again, I'm sorry and it's not something reasonable, Hyungwon. It's just there and I can't do anything about it. I- also don't want to talk about it because I might just faint again, so- yeah.” He felt his heart beating rapidly. He needed to slow it down. After exhaling, he didn't inhale for a long time until his lungs burned.

“But that's okay, Hoseok. All of us have something that burdens them, but it doesn't make us any less valuable to be friends with or close to. Just because you have PTSD or whatever doesn't mean that you are any less likeable. Well- I don't know much about it, but if not triggering you is what you need then I'll try to do that. I just don't know how random it is. Is it snacks? Because fuck- I love snacks, that'd be really hard to avoid.” Hyungwon laughed loudly and curled his arms around his neck, halfway lying down on top of him. “I like you and whether you have some mysterious four letters or not doesn't change much for me unless I make you sick or something. That'd be sad, but at long as it's not because of me you're not getting rid of me.”

“I don't think that you understand, but it's okay. As long as you don't think that it's your fault,” he whispered after sucking in a long breath. He wanted to touch Hyungwon so badly. Reaching out, he cupped the other man's small face with both palms and leaned closer, placing a soft kiss against his thick, plushy lips.

“Well, is there something that I should pay attention to? What happens when you're not okay, is there something I can do to help?” Hyungwon asked and tilted his face to lick over Hoseok’s palm before giggling again. “One of my great uncles was schizophrenic, but our family is a total mystery, so he also came along to holidays in France. He always believed that I was a vixxen that smiles brightly but will pull him to the depths of the sea if he listens, so he always screamed and talked loudly whenever I said something. Fun times.”

“I dissociate until I faint. If it's really bad.” Leaning forward, he covered Hyungwon's lips again, hoping to end the talk. It wasn't very successful as the low voice resumed as soon as their lips separated.

“Oh- like the time when I told you… that thing I won't repeat because I have a brain,” the blonde man commented and wiggled his eyebrows once. “You look tired but you still look hot. Teach me senpai.”

It was remarkable how forcing yourself to not think about something, immediately resulted in thoughts about the thing you tried hard to ignore and push to the back.

_He said that he wants you to fuck him._

His hands started shaking and he pulled them away from Hyungwon's face. Familiar fragments infused with pain and the feeling of instant danger started raining down on him, just waiting for him to relax and be unprepared.

“Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked hesitantly until the other man's eyes widened and he lay down next to him, removing himself from his sight and staring at the ceiling next to him. “Do you like puppies? Puppies are really cute, fluffy and with teeny tiny paws that poke you when they want to play and flabby tongues that lick at your shoes and want attention and- they bark cutely too.” Suddenly the other man barked with a high-pitched noise. “Just like that.”

_What?_

Coughing a few times from holding his breath, Hoseok turned around and stared at the other man, trying to understand what he was up to.

“What? What- are you doing?”

“Ehm- I'm talking about puppies and imitating the sound of barking.” The blonde man did it again, a little less high-pitched this time. There was pink color in his face that reached all the way to the tips of his ears, easy to tell with the platinum blonde hair. “Do you- do you like puppies?”

“I like you,” he whispered and rolled on top of the gorgeous, blonde man. Leaning on his elbows that he placed on each side of Hyungwon's head, Hoseok leaned in until there was barely space between their faces, nose tips rubbing against each other. “Just run away as far as you can.”

“No fucking way,” Hyungwon hissed in reply and wrapped his arms around his neck and legs around his hips, pulling him closer until lips as soft as cushions pressed against his and the blonde man licked into his mouth desperately. “No fucking way,” he murmured again, repeating it endlessly like a whisper in between kisses.

“I couldn't think about anything else but you, all of my strength went to preventing myself from just begging on your front porch to take me, even though I'm a toy with a manufacturing failure. Fuck, Hyungwon, don't do this to yourself.” Hoseok was such a hypocrite, telling the blonde man to leave even though he would've clutched his leg and cried like a baby to make him stay at this point.

“You should've just come and begged then, I stayed in front of your fucking door and argued with the security guard but that guy is a fucking wall. I even thought of seducing him, but that's not really my forte when I'm not interested. God, I really felt like a stalker fan, just a little bit less delusional, hopefully.” The blonde man smiled widely, showing his bottom teeth and dug into Hoseok’s butt with the heel of his right foot. “Also, all of us are manufacturing failures, I can't even walk properly without falling over and getting blown away by the fucking wind.”

“I- when I dissociate, I can't hear anything. I did see your calls, but it was like a dream. I just looked at the picture you gave me. I've- I've never felt like this before, you make it really hard to resist.” Hoseok licked over his lips to return the moisture and sunk down on top of the other man, feeling his warm body under him. He licked over Hyungwon's golden neck and sucked on an especially sensitive spot, humming against the warm skin.

The other man responded instantly, moaning in his mesmerizing, low voice and pushing his hips upwards to feel more. Hyungwon's mouth was opened and his breaths were rough.

“I'm deprived, Hoseok, I'm going to jump you if you continue, tie you to the bed and suck your dick so slowly, you'll beg me for me to take it whole.”

“Fuck, please jump me, I want you so fucking much, shit.” Hoseok was desperate, his hands were roaming over Hyungwon's gorgeous body, restless and impatient. He wanted to feel his naked skin, hear his beautiful moans, taste him.

_Just don't think about anything else, it'll be fine._

“I'll fuck you up,” the blonde man muttered and licked into Hoseok’s mouth hungrily before turning them around and sitting on top of him. Hyungwon was so eager, groaning loudly and rolling his hips on top of him. Fumbling with his belt, the gorgeous man pulled it out of its loops and wrapped it around Hoseok’s hands once before pulling it through a wooden carving in the bed. “Fuck.”

Tightening the belt, Hyungwon leaned in and kissed Hoseok’s lips before licking his way downwards and quickly unbuttoning Hoseok’s shirt as he licked over a nipple, his ribs, followed the lines of his abdominal muscles and dipped his tongue into his navel.

“You're so fucking delicious, like a treat,” the blonde man whispered and bit into his stomach lightly, licking over the area right after. “I want to mark you all over and rub myself over your lap.”

“Do it, I want you to do all of it, fuck me up, make me forget everything,” he groaned, moaning loudly in between and pulling at the belt that held his hands above his head. “I want you, I want you to sit on my face,” he muttered, simply describing his frenzied thoughts like a madman.

“Shit,” Hyungwon cursed before loosening the ribbon around his neck and removing the pearl-white silk shirt from his slim but lean body. The other man was stunning, sitting on top of him in tight grey suit pants, naked chest on display and ragged breaths leaving his parted lips. “I feel like I am the one who is going mad instead of you. I promised to be chaste, but- damn, Hoseok.”

A grin appeared as Hyungwon chewed on the corner of his mouth and undid the hook of his suit pants before pulling down the zipper. He seemed impatient with how he huffed at the effort to remove the fabric completely, including his underwear and threw it next to the bed. Stark naked like the creation itself, the blonde slipped on top of his lap again and rubbed over his growing arousal, slim hips turning in perfect circles as chestnut brown eyes were focused on him. “I even got off right before this. I can’t believe myself.”

“I can't believe you're naked on top of me. Why am I not naked?” Hoseok moaned and thrust up, pulling at the belt around his wrists. He was losing his mind, wanting to touch and to taste every inch of Hyungwon's skin. Leaning forward, he groaned and closed his lips around one of the other man's nipples, sucking intently. The action was accompanied by a gorgeous moan as Hyungwon's thighs quivered and he attempted to unbutton Hoseok’s jeans, still rolling his hips without a break.

“Why does being close to you always feel like I'm dreaming? Will it ever become real?” the low voice muttered as the slim man disappeared out of reach and pulled Hoseok’s jeans down his legs. Instead of instantly returning to his spot on top of his thighs, Hyungwon licked over his foot and sucked on the skin of his legs as he made his way upwards. Kisses and teeth travelled along his calves and thighs, all the way until chestnut brown eyes met his as the tip of a hot tongue brushed over the tip of his erection. “I'm going to make you lose it, Hoseok.”

“Don't you see that I'm already losing it? How much more do you want? Just take it all.” Moaning at the feeling of Hyungwon's tongue, he shifted his hips and pulled at the belt again. The other man was really good at tying up people and Hoseok decided not to think about it too much.

_He probably does it all the time._

He could feel Hyungwon smile against the skin of his hip then a hot tongue licked a stripe from the base to the tip of his dick, following the prominent veins. The other man's hands were firmly positioned at his thighs, varying the amount of pressure they applied.

“You're ethereal.”

“You are, you won't let me breathe properly and then you suddenly open the bottle of oxygen and knock me the fuck out,” Hoseok hissed before throwing his head back and moaning loudly. It was fucking embarrassing, but he couldn't do anything.

Hyungwon smiled around his erection at the response and continued the torturous, slow caresses with his tongue. Blunt nails were scratching over his inner thighs and Hoseok watched as the other man's long and straight erection twitched once in a while, affected by the noises that left him.

“You can't even begin to imagine the way you make me feel,” Hyungwon whispered and let his teeth graze along the underside of his dick. “I want to follow every vein with my tongue and engrave it in my memory.”

“I want to hear you moan. Sit on my face, I promise that I'll do a better job than last time,” he begged in between the embarrassing moans that left his lips.

The hot tongue left his dick as Hyungwon glanced up, eyes as dark as the night.

“The way you moan  
Or is it me?  
Keeps threatening my sanity,” he whispered and crawled towards him, body weight shifting whenever he lifted one of his long legs to move it closer. “I really want to. Hoseok, are you sure?”

There was a tremble in Hyungwon's body as he reached out and grabbed Hoseok’s shoulders, holding on tightly. Their faces were only inches apart, only a few seconds were necessary to bridge the distance.

“Yes, if you want it too. You don't have to if you don't like it,” he babbled, gaze jumping from Hyungwon's eyes to his lips and back. The other man laughed at his comment and pulled his body up by holding onto the bed's headboard.

“Do you even remember how I reacted last time? Your comment tells me that you don't.” Long fingers danced over his wrists that were bound by the leather belt, attached to the bed as Hyungwon placed his thighs on either side of Hoseok’s head. The other man's skin was so smooth, reflecting the light perfectly. “I will go crazy, so please accept my apology in advance.”

“Not that I can run away or anything,” he commented, pulling at the belt around his wrists and chuckled, before licking over his lips. “Just come here.”

“Humans can conjure wondrous strength if they really want to,” the blonde man replied before lowering his hips and hissing loudly. Hyungwon's butt cheeks were warm as they touched Hoseok’s face and the other man tensed briefly, muscles contracting.

Hyungwon smelled like fresh soap. He didn't have an opinion about eating soap, but he definitely wanted to taste Hyungwon again. The last time was a little blurred and not clear as his memory played tricks on him as soon as he panicked. Lifting his head, he licked circles around the spot he had pushed his tongue into last time carefully, exhaling against it and loving the way Hyungwon's thighs surrounded him.

“Fuck,” the other man gasped and rested his forehead against the wall. “Let me turn.”

Lifting his hips back up and returning the minimal light of the hotel room, Hyungwon switched the position of his thighs, so that he was facing towards the end of the bed and placed his palms flat on Hoseok’s chest. The skilled fingers instantly began to play with his nipples as the blonde man lowered his hips again and almost fell forward at the first contact with Hoseok’s tongue.

“You- really like it,” he murmured, shaken that the other man seemed to enjoy it so much. “You have to tell me what you like, I'll do it all.” Exhaling once again and watching how the other man contracted in front of him, Hoseok attached his lips and tongue to Hyungwon's sensitive skin, licking and sucking on it.

The gorgeous man whimpered and scratched over his chest a little. His hips lifted when he was overwhelmed but returned as soon as he caught himself, moans and groans raining from his lips.

“You- you can draw circles just the way you did, lick up and down, dip your tongue inside, fuck me with it, anything,” Hyungwon muttered as his legs trembled again and he lowered his upper body onto his elbows, biting on the skin of Hoseok’s hip.

He shivered and did what Hyungwon told him. The other man's reaction was fucking gorgeous, he wanted to make music with it, with the moans and groans. The beautiful blonde man kept pushing against his tongue, so he pushed it inside his body, moving it in and out repeatedly, unable to hold the slim hips with his hands tied.

“Fuck, fuck my life,” Hyungwon moaned loudly, body shaking, and pressed his forehead into Hoseok’s stomach, breathing heavily and repeatedly contracting around the hot muscle inside of him. “This is unfair, this is so fucking unfair. I just want to jump you.”

He wanted to answer, but it was hard with his tongue inside someone's body, so he concentrated on making Hyungwon lose his fucking mind. Exhaling sharply through his nose, he sped up and pushed his tongue deeper, flattening and flexing it. It really felt like using a muscle.

_You'll get muscle ache after this._

The whimpers only got louder as Hyungwon began babbling, starting with variations of his name and continuing with helpless begging as he pushed his hips further into Hoseok’s face and threw his head from side to side. The platinum blonde strands were tickling his skin as the slim man begged him for more, warning him that he was close and barely able to contain himself. It was wild, like Hyungwon spoke everything he thought and felt.

Shit, he would've loved to grab the other man's ass and push him further against his tongue, but his hands were tied, so he took what he could get, leaning forward as far as he could and making the man on top of him scream.

Hyungwon's whole body tensed up as he buried his nails in Hoseok’s thighs and screamed, releasing himself right on top of Hoseok’s chest, whole body trembling uncontrollably.

“Fuck, fuck my life, fucking hell,” the blonde man cursed as he forced himself to lift up on his wobbly legs and untie the leather belt around Hoseok’s wrists. Only when his hands were free did the other man allow himself to fall forward, not even caring about the fact that he was on all fours right in front of Hoseok’s face, stark naked and with spit glistening in his crack.

_Amazing. What the fuck are you thinking?_

He wished he wasn't fucked in the head and could just do what he wanted without fearing that his thoughts would come crashing over him, robbing him off his will and consciousness.

“You're fucking gorgeous,” he whispered and reached for Hyungwon's smooth, golden butt cheeks, grabbing them and pulling them against his face, kissing the other man’s skin carefully.

“H- Hoseok-” Hyungwon stuttered and whimpered right after, thighs flexing and toes curling against the wooden headboard. “My endurance is shit whenever my ass is involved. God- I came all over you, I'm sorry.”

“I don't understand how it's possible, but I could come just watching you like this, fuck. Fuck my life.” He felt how he twitched, probably right in Hyungwon's face. “Do- you want to shower?” he asked, trying to mask his thoughts.

“I want to suck your dick. Or- if it's okay with you… have you fuck my thighs.” The blonde man was still breathing heavily as he glanced over his shoulder to meet Hoseok’s gaze, lips blood red from chewing on them.

“Can you- sit on me and move your hips like you did before?” His mouth was quicker than his common sense, immediately providing the words.

A wide grin spread Hyungwon's mouth as he nodded quickly and turned around. The blonde man's hips settled on top of Hoseok’s lap as long fingers reached for a few tissues at the bedside table that the other man used to wipe the cum from his skin, carelessly throwing them away.

“I love sitting on your lap,” Hyungwon whispered before rolling his hips in a sensual manner, a perfect circle right over Hoseok’s dick as his hands caressed his muscular chest and played with his nipples.

“Fuck,” he hissed and thrust up automatically, moaning at the friction and how perfectly Hyungwon fit on top of him.

“Don't you think…,” Hyungwon whispered and rolled his hips again while his index finger and thumb rolled Hoseok’s right nipple in between them, “that we're almost made for each other? You feel amazing, thick and hot, perfect even.”

“You- you're perfect, I'm just- broken.” His hands reached for Hyungwon's lean, golden thighs, fingers immediately curling around the firm flesh as the gorgeous man moved on top of him. Fuck, his mind provided all the pictures and he didn't want to think about what it meant, he just wanted Hyungwon to continue moving his gorgeous body over his painfully hard dick.

“It's like with keys and doors, Hoseok. I might be a pretty door, but it seems like you're the perfect key, be it to my body or my heart.” There was something emotional in Hyungwon's words as the other man's brown eyes focused on his. Plump lips were parted as slim hips rolled on top of him, right along his erection that seemed made for the space between Hyungwon's butt cheeks.

“I- I do feel- I feel a lot, but I don't know what to do with it,” he whispered, swallowing and feeling how his mind turned blurry as his orgasm burned along his legs and groin, begging for release. Moaning, he curled his fingers around Hyungwon's hips and thrust up, keeping the other man's behind in place and creating friction that robbed his senses.

Hyungwon aided him by rubbing over his nipples and leaning forward, licking into his mouth hungrily and sucking on his tongue. It felt like the other man's hands were all over him, small sparks of heat travelling over his skin and leaving burning trails.

“I want you, I want you so badly, you don't even know,” Hoseok moaned and pressed the other man down on himself, releasing in between their bodies with a loud groan of Hyungwon's name, sound still ringing in his ears, even after the tingling in his lower stomach stopped.

He could feel Hyungwon smile against the skin of his cheek, placing brief kisses all over his face and finally on his lips.

“No matter what?” the low voice asked as the blonde man wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck and pulled their bodies flush. “Do you want me no matter what?”

“It feels as if I'm standing on the opposite side of a giant wall and screaming at you that I want you, no matter what. But the wall is still there and it doesn't care about my desires. Yes, I do want you, Hyungwon, you- you're summer, how can I not want you? There's just the wall that keeps standing between me and what I would give anything for.” Sighing, he reached for the tissues and wiped himself clean.

The blonde man's smile was wide and rivaling the sunshine as he slipped a little forward on top of Hoseok’s thighs and buried his right hand in his ocean-colored hair, tilting his head back. Leaning over him, Hyungwon exhaled against his lips, big eyes focused on his.

 “I'm going to rip that wall to shreds then.”

_Please._


	12. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want you, Hyungwon, all of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 23th of March at 2 PM CET.
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‘What is PTSD?’

Hyungwon stared at the question inside the Google search bar for a while before finally pressing enter. He was not sure if it was okay to do this, to snoop around searching the things Hoseok had told him about.

_However, you want to understand. Isn’t it better if you understand?_

He knew absolutely nothing about the condition and if the internet had answers and information then he was going to use it. As long as the source was reliable of course. Hyungwon was no idiot.

Shifting on top of his way too soft hotel bed, he crossed his legs and rested his head against the headboard. He would have preferred to remain naked in another room while being embraced by muscular arms, but alas, he was an event manager and even though security was tight, he really didn’t want to make anybody suspicious by leaving Hoseok’s hotel room with him in the morning. He had his own for a reason, to sleep there and preferably work.

_But not before you figured out what the hell you are dealing with._

Mental health had never been something he was concerned with. Sure, Minhyuk had low self-esteem and had gotten some counseling back when they were in school, but it wasn’t anything that Hyungwon thought about very much. As long as his best friend felt better, he was happy. It was the same with Hoseok. If he knew how to make the silver-haired man feel at ease and happy, then he was going to do everything in his power to do that. Even if it involved getting tongue fucked but nothing else.

The first link was somebody sharing personal experiences after a natural catastrophe and Hyungwon skipped that. It seemed way too far from what he was looking for. The next link seemed much more promising as it was an explanation by the American Psychiatric Association. Those people looked trustworthy enough.

_‘Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist act, war/combat, rape or other violent personal assault.’_

That sounded rough even though Hyungwon still had no idea what it really was. Something inside his chest tightened up at the various possibilities. Hoseok's problem seemed to be related to sex and only a few of the mentioned options seemed applicable to something like that.

_Stop assuming and read._

There was information about the various statistics and how many people were affected in the US but Hyungwon didn’t really care about that. He wanted to know what it was and how one could help. A few paragraphs further he finally found something of value.

_‘People with PTSD have intense, disturbing thoughts and feelings related to their experience that last long after the traumatic event has ended. They may relive the event through flashbacks or nightmares; they may feel sadness, fear or anger; and they may feel detached or estranged from other people.’_

Hyungwon’s mind instantly supplied him with Hoseok telling him that he had ‘dissociated’ or whatever that meant and hadn’t been aware of his calls and messages. It sounded horrible and lonely, something he wouldn’t have wished upon anybody. But so far there was also nothing that told him how to help or what to do.

_‘People with PTSD may avoid situations or people that remind them of the traumatic event, and they may have strong negative reactions to something as ordinary as a loud noise or an accidental touch.’_

Hoseok had fainted when Hyungwon told him about his desire for sex and he had instantly left the room when Hyungwon had been immensely aroused and inserted a finger inside his own body. Both examples fit the black writing on a white background that he was staring at.

_You keep reminding him of something terrible that happened, so he tried to avoid you. You aren’t the event, but you were a reminder. That’s why he kept saying it’s in his head._

A list of symptoms was attached to the end of the description and Hyungwon quickly scrolled through it. It sounded terrible, intrusive thoughts of what had happened, avoidance behavior towards reminders, negative emotions and feeling towards the self or others like ‘I am unworthy’ or ‘others are dangerous’ and behaving recklessly or in a self-destructive way. Hyungwon immediately had to think about Hoseok asking him to leave and not be bothered with someone as ‘dysfunctional’ as him and drinking himself into oblivion with Gin. It all fit and he didn’t know what to do about that.

Everything that was noted under treatment involved proper psychological help that he was in no way qualified to provide. Damn, he didn’t even really know if he was a trigger or not for the whole thing.

_He takes medication but he has no time for therapy._

Sucking his lips into his mouth, Hyungwon scrolled further and couldn’t help the discomfort at the inability to do anything. He had said that he was going to rip the wall to shreds. There hadn’t been a single time when he didn’t do as promised.

The most reasonable thing appeared to be prolonged exposure therapy even though it sounded unpleasant. Apparently, professionals talked about the trauma with the person and evoked the associated symptoms in a controlled manner. It sounded nasty but at the same time helpful if the person learned to deal with the emotions and associations in the end, but Hyungwon didn’t even know what happened. Hoseok hadn’t told him and it was rather unlikely that he was going to without either fainting or running away as far as he was able to.

_You can’t chain him to the bed and force it out of him. That’s just terrible._

Hyungwon would have avoided himself too in that case. There had to be a way to get advice on how to help Hoseok and act around him without triggering the silver-haired man.

_Kihyun. They have been friends since childhood._

Hyungwon’s eyes widened briefly at the thought, especially since it was kind of weird to talk about another person to somebody, he wasn’t even particularly close to. He knew almost nothing about Yoo Kihyun apart from the fact that he had slept in Hoseok’s tent with him for years, hated stress and dumb decisions and really liked Hoseok.

_But you don’t have much of a choice, do you?_

He didn’t.

_

 

Hyungwon had been proficient as usual, organizing the venues and sound checks including the security while Hoseok attended one interview after the next. It was a little magical, but apparently, the silver-haired man was feeling better even though Hyungwon hadn’t done much apart from riding his thighs and talking to him about poetry into the late hours of the night. Sleep was overrated, always.

It was rather late and he had been attentive enough to see Kihyun make his way to the hotel bar, probably to relax after a long and stressful day. Hoseok was busy composing and Hyungwon didn’t want to disturb him, so joining the grey-haired man at the bar seemed to be the best choice. Smart and smooth.

Winking at the bartender, he placed his delicate butt on the chair next to the manager at the bar, and leaned on his flat palm.

“Relaxing after that fuckton of interviews?” he asked and smiled brightly.

“God, yes. What a mess, who would've thought that I would end up managing my best friend after this fucking expensive degree, fuck my life,” the shorter man murmured and ordered a Mojito.

“Expensive degree? What's your background, Kihyun?” Hyungwon asked and pulled out a bill that he pushed across the bar towards the bartender, gesturing that he was buying this one and every future round. His glass of wine was placed in front of him, a little odd next to the shorter man's Mojito. “I mean- you probably want to manage your best friend, don't you?”

“I majored in international law, I'm a lawyer, Hyungwon. Sure, I love dealing with unreasonable lovers and hysterical fans. The best.” Sighing, Kihyun took a sip through his straw and let his head rest on his palm, watching him intently. “How about you? Maybe you're also managing my best friend because there's no other option.”

Hyungwon chuckled at that, following the other man and taking a sip of his wine. It was delicious, a good choice. He couldn't believe that the shorter man was a lawyer, but it fit the look in his eyes somehow.

“I guess liking a person makes all of us do wacky shit,” he remarked and laughed again. “I like doing different things and leaving good old England, so there is that advantage as well.”

Kihyun brushed his hair back and shifted a little on his chair, trying to find a more comfortable position.

“I see. I was so sure that you'd say no that I bet two hundred dollars that are now Marcia's. She was sure that you'd do it. I'm thankful though, really, it means the world to me that he seems happy and on track. Finally.”

Hyungwon couldn't help his surprise at the fact that a woman that had seen him for a maximum of five minutes was good enough to evaluate his shitty decision-making skills.

“Really, Marcia? That's the stylist, isn't it? She saw me for what felt like five minutes as I rubbed the oil off Hoseok’s chest.” Giggling, he took another sip of his wine and savored the taste on his tongue for a little longer. “But- I'm happy that he's back on track. I actually wanted to ask you something concerning that.”

“You did what? Never mind, I don't even want to know. What did you want to ask?” The other man returned his attention to his drink and mixed it a few times before taking another sip.

“You’ve known Hoseok for a long time, so I thought you might have some advice for me. Yesterday… he told me that he has PTSD and I wanted to ask you how you deal with it and what it means for you.” It felt a little awkward to ask it, so Hyungwon stared at his wine and rubbed the thin stem of the glass with his fingers. “I hope I am not intruding too much.”

Kihyun turned to him and he could feel the other man's intense gaze on his face before he heard his low voice. It fit him well.

“He- he told you?” Kihyun was deeply shaken by the fact that Hoseok had shared it. Looking around and obviously making sure that nobody was listening, the grey-haired man shifted closer until there was only a little distance between them. “He told you that he has PTSD? Did you tell somebody? You can't, it'll make everything worse, please keep it a secret, okay?”

_As if you would reveal anything about Hoseok._

“I won't tell anybody, Kihyun. I'm no idiot, I know how much this means. I've been in this business for a while and I've seen enough celebrities, some of whom aren't around anymore. I'm merely concerned with- well- Hoseok’s well-being. I feel like I did something to trigger it before and I'd rather not be the reason for his misery if you get my drift,” he replied and sighed. It was more complicated than he had anticipated; of course, Kihyun was mostly worried about the publicity.

Humming throughout his monologue, Kihyun's eyes widened at his last sentence and he curled his fingers around his shoulder.

“Did you show him porn? Oh god. Don't ever do it again, it might seem fun to you or to me but for him it's like a nightmare. Just don't.” Sighing, Kihyun drank a fair share of his Mojito and stared at the bottles presented on the illuminated shelves of the hotel bar.

_Porn? What you showed him doesn't quite qualify as porn, especially not what you told him._

“Ehm, I didn't show him porn, Kihyun. That would have been much easier to avoid. Also, really? You wanted to watch porn with him because you thought it's funny? Most of that shit is lies and derogatory towards women.” Hyungwon didn't know where the sudden judgement came from but he shut himself up with some more wine.

“Do you have a PhD in gender studies? I was seventeen. What the fuck do you expect? What did you do though? What happened with him?” Kihyun looked worried, but pushed the ice in his glass around, as if knowing what Hyungwon would answer.

_How could he know though?_

“I joked about letting him fuck me and he fainted. That's basically it.” Of course, there was more, but he didn't want to elaborate on his sexual practices and the fact that Hoseok and him were stretching the term ‘friends’ pretty far. “Afterwards he didn't reply to my messages and calls and didn't open the door. I guess you know the rest.”

Looking to the side, Hyungwon could see how the other man buried his face in his palms, not looking up.

“Oh god. At least you didn't joke about fucking him, for fuck’s sake. Your humor is- god, it must've been a fucking nightmare for him,” Kihyun murmured against his hands without lifting his gaze.

_Fucking him would have been worse._

Hyungwon couldn't help the way his lips pursed in distaste at the thought of fucking the other man. Hoseok had a nice ass but- no, a big fucking no.

“But why is it such a big problem for him? I don't understand. He doesn't seem to struggle with homosexuality as such and I doubt you showed him gay porn.” Sighing, Hyungwon brushed through his hair and tapped his fingers on the bar in a pleasant rhythm.

“It's not about gay. He was sexually abused when he was a child, Hyungwon. And stuff like this seems to trigger his memories. Just don't say it. For you it might seem like nothing, but for him it's experiencing everything all over again, in addition to his depression that comes and goes and all the related bullshit. He had therapy for a while and it got better, but he had to stop because of schedules. He needs to go again, but- he has to talk about it. He has to but he doesn't want to.” Kihyun's voice got emotional and he looked to the side, chewing on his lips. “I'm shaken that he told you about his condition. I was the only one who knew.”

_He never told anybody but he decided to tell you?_

Hyungwon swallowed as discomfort spread throughout his chest and generated a disgusting taste in his mouth. He had suspected it, after all, it had been on the list of things that caused the condition, but he hadn't really wanted it to be true. It was terrible, the worst that could be done to a child.

It wasn't that easy though. It wasn't only about saying it, Hoseok and him had a much more complex relationship than that and his chest hurt at the thought that he had been the reason for memories of something as terrible as child sexual abuse to reappear in the other man's mind.

“I- I'll try not to talk about it but- I fear it's a little more complex than that. Isn't his health more important than schedules though? Have you tried to- convince him to go or to make him talk about it, at least to you? I read that confronting it can help.”

There was a chuckle and Kihyun turned to him, watching him intently.

“Yeah. I did, asking him to ditch some of the schedules and start therapy again. He said ‘Bye Kihyun, see you tomorrow’ left me in the middle of a scheduled interview and went to some weird cave by bike and got picked up at 5AM by a company cab somewhere in Kensington. Didn't go too well, if you ask me. I don't feel like I can force him. He just runs away. Regularly.” Sinking his fingers into his grey hair, Kihyun ruffled it up out of frustration.

_Fuck, it's the day you met him in the cave, took him home and kissed on the grass._

“Y-yeah,” he muttered and thought about ways to have Hoseok try therapy. There was no possibility of doing it if the other man didn't want to. He would run away. The only thing Hyungwon could do was try to make him open up and simply shake him awake in case he fainted. It sounded scary and he actually didn't even know if he could pull it off, but he had promised to shatter the wall and that was the only opportunity he could see. “I will try to see if I can motivate him or if there is anything I can do. There- there are reasons to work on it.”

“Are there? What about that one male fan he got close with? He didn't want to tell me, I'm fucking terrified that it'll bite me in the ass if I'm not involved. Fuck my life. But I'm glad that I have someone to talk to, now that we're in it together. I'm a little sorry for you, but Hoseok seems to like you.” Kihyun's lips spread in an authentic smile that looked really nice. Hyungwon thought about simply giggling nervously about the male fan thing, but he really hated lying and considered honesty a virtue. It was one of the reasons why he always ended up revealing his thoughts and getting embarrassed. If he wanted to be friends with Kihyun and have the other man's help, it might be a good idea to share that there wasn't much to worry about. Kind of.

“I don't think having Hoseok like me is something to be sorry about,” he remarked and smiled back before placing a palm on Kihyun's shoulders. The other man had a small frame but looked ridiculously manly. It was almost magic. “Ehm, also, that male fan is me, so no reason to panic.”

There was a trace of thought on Kihyun's face, eyebrows furrowed and narrowed eyes watched the bartender mix a drink, before the dark orbs focused on his face all of a sudden.

“Oh god. You- it's you? Seriously?” A few seconds passed before the other man swallowed loudly. “The fucking wasn't a joke, was it?”

_Oh, fuck._

“W-well, I'm no monster or anything! I wouldn't force anybody into anything,” Hyungwon hissed and waved his arms, terrified that Kihyun would conclude he had some secret agenda to fuck Hoseok. God, that was only a product of his attachment issues and the fact that he apparently fell for people like a damn rock down a cliff.

“He has exactly zero experience besides being abused, Hyungwon. This is a fucking shitshow. Don't you dare touch him; you are not the one who took him to have his stomach pumped out because he drank so much, he couldn't open the fucking door. It's not a game, okay?” Kihyun stood up and placed a bill on the counter. “I don't want to be afraid of losing him as soon as he's out of sight or I'm going to get PTSD myself.”

Hyungwon hummed, chewing on his bottom lip and feeling unsure of what to say. The texture felt rough against his tongue, a result of his nervous gesture.

“You sound like you are the only one who cares about him. I understand that you are his best friend and know him the best, but I'm just as terrified of him hurting himself as you are. I've seen it too, even if it wasn't as bad,” he whispered eventually before grabbing the bill and holding it out towards the other man again. “I already paid for both of us, you don't need to.”

He wanted to defend himself somehow and tell Kihyun that Hoseok and he weren't just friends or that he wasn't secretly thirsting after the silver-haired man without any mutual affection and attraction involved. However, it wasn't the right time. Something told him Kihyun would have dropped him from the tour to keep Hoseok’s reputation clean.

“Don't hurt him. He has enough pain just from breathing,” the grey-haired man muttered and took the bill, before he turned around and strode towards the elevator.

“I won't,” Hyungwon whispered back, not loud enough to be heard by the other man. It felt like he needed to say it.

To make it true.

_

 

It was late, but something told Hyungwon that the person in the hotel room he was standing in front of wasn't asleep yet. Chewing on his lips as he always did, he knocked and waited, eyes examining the simple door in the meantime. It was a dark brown color and could have harbored anybody. It was a blessing that Hyungwon had managed to get a room right next to the silver-haired man.

_But you still can't stay the night._

There were slow steps behind the door before it opened and Hoseok's face appeared in the crack. The other man's wet hair reminded him of the ocean.

“Oh, hey,” Hoseok whispered and looked around before pulling him inside quickly. Only a small lamp illuminated the room. Sufficient to see what was happening, but nothing more. Hoseok was wearing a white bathrobe and held a glass filled with brown liquid in his hand.

_He's drinking again._

Hyungwon wasn't really one to talk after coming back from the bar, but Kihyun's words were still ringing inside his head.

“What have you been doing? Showering among other things apparently. I'm one step ahead of you, I even styled my hair. I also like that you pull me into your hotel room like I pulled you into my house, all paranoid.” Hyungwon smiled brightly and wiggled his eyebrows for effect.

“I took a bath, sang and drank. I tried to sing myself a lullaby, but I can't fall asleep when I'm singing, so that didn't work out. I'm trying with whisky now, wish me luck.” Taking a sip, Hoseok closed his eyes for a few seconds, before focusing his gaze on him again.

“How about…,” Hyungwon began and curled his long fingers around the glass in the other man's hand and placed it on the wooden side table, empty apart from instructions for the hotel spa. It gave Hyungwon a few ideas. “How about you ditch the whiskey and let me try? You can lie on my lap and I'll recite some poems, stroke your hair, and tell you lots of stories until you can't keep your eyes open anymore.” Smiling brightly, he stepped closer and pulled the silver-haired man along, thumb brushing over soft, pale skin.

“But I will want to listen to everything you say and won't be able to fall asleep,” the beautiful man whined, but followed.

“I can also hum your own songs with my shitty skills,” Hyungwon replied and laughed at the image. He could hum, but he doubted that Hoseok would be very impressed. Loosening the belt of the other man's bathrobe, Hyungwon mentally prepared himself to be unaffected and straight. Hoseok was gorgeous but he had come to help and be close instead of wanting to rip his clothes off and be tongue fucked.

Still smiling, he let the bathrobe fall to the ground and pushed Hoseok back until the handsome man lay on the bed, naked and stunning, wet hair spread out over the pillows.

_Nobody is allowed to touch him. He is too precious._

“You're gorgeous,” Hyungwon whispered before climbing on top of the bed and arranging his thighs under Hoseok’s head instead of the pillows. It was nice even though the ocean-colored strands were still wet. There was something calming about having Hoseok lie on his lap. He really wanted the other man to be able to fall asleep and be relaxed, think of good things only. His fingers stroked over Hoseok’s hair and he hummed a soft tune while thinking about which words to use, what to say and whether it was too much.

 

“Your eyes make me want to speak of love,  
My words soar between us like a dove.  
I wish I could kiss your lips again,  
And erase your heart that calls me ‘friend’.”

 

“My heart doesn't call you friend. It never did.” Hoseok looked up and smiled, showing his teeth.

Hyungwon swallowed at the words and hummed, continuously raking his fingers through the other man's silky strands of hair.

“I'm glad,” he whispered, hoping that he interpreted correctly instead of imagining a completely new world that wasn't true as he usually did. Hoseok’s smile was so beautiful, a rarity that he wanted to treasure forever by fueling it further. Lifting his index finger to his mouth, he pressed a kiss against it before brushing the fingertip over the other man's beautifully curved lips.

“Did you only come to stroke me to sleep? You don't need to. Or is it because of what I told you? Don't bother; I've been living like this since forever.” The dark-brown orbs disappeared behind closed eyelids for a few seconds, not letting him see what was happening inside Hoseok's mind.

_Welcome back accusations of bad intentions._

Hyungwon genuinely wondered if there was something sneaky about him that instantly suggested he had a different agenda. Maybe it was also because Hoseok hadn't really told anybody apart from his best friend, and wasn’t used to others knowing about his condition.

“Not really, Hoseok. To be honest I came because I wanted to see your face after you spent the whole day running from one interview to the next. I'm not gonna lie and say that I didn't think about what you told me, but it's not the primary reason I'm here,” he replied and let his fingertips dance over Hoseok’s face and the other man's closed eyelids. It looked beautiful. “Do you struggle to fall asleep often? Is it because of that?”

“I have nightmares, so I don't really like sleeping, but when I don't sleep, I'm exhausted and stressed and get triggered easily, so it's a struggle to find a healthy balance. I'm afraid that it doesn't exist for me. I'd love to just take sleeping pills and knock myself out, but I can't because I already take the other meds. Yeah.” Hoseok opened his eyes and looked up. The other man looked like a puppy with his hair all over the place and his round eyes. “I missed you. So much.”

“I missed you too,” Hyungwon replied and focused on the other man's features, how tired he looked despite the innocent eyes and soft lines. He couldn't even imagine how terrible it was to have nightmares whenever one wanted to sleep. “What did you do the last time you slept at my place? Did you stay awake? It felt like I saw you sleep, arms wrapped tightly around me.”

“Ah, that's the good thing about having a panic attack, there's so much adrenaline that it makes me incredibly tired. You could try making me faint; I'd probably sleep after that.” The beautiful man chuckled bitterly. “I feel like I'm at the doctor.”

“Is being at the doctor bad? Also, I'm sorry for being cheesy. I was all-hopeful that there was something about me that could make you sleep, but fainting wasn't really what I imagined, rather sleeping beauty with a kiss or some shit like that. You probably feel terrible when you faint.” Hyungwon huffed at his own stupidity and began to massage Hoseok’s shoulders, just anything to not sit around dumbly. “I know basically nothing, I'm sorry. The internet was minimally helpful.”

“You googled it?” Hoseok asked, eyes widening. “Fuck my life. I'm not a charity case; really, I'm just- not able to have any proper relationships.”

“You're not a charity case!” Hyungwon slapped the other man's shoulder to emphasize his words. “A proper relationship is a matter of definition. None of my previous relationships qualify as proper when compared to what other people do.” He shrugged and placed a finger kiss on Hoseok’s lips again. He wanted to kiss him properly but bending his back had limits, even if he was rather flexible. “Honestly? I'm also weird, I'm merely pretending.”

“I love your weirdness, you're amazing. I can remember you rolling in the sand and running around like crazy. Barefoot.” A gorgeous smile spread Hoseok's pale cheeks, as he seemed to remember.

“Fuck my life; I still do that, also walking backwards. My mom cursed me out in French because of that,” he replied and laughed loudly. He was fucking hopeless. “Why don't you want to go to the doctor though? I read that it's helpful. Minhyuk also struggled with something and got help.”

“Because she wants me to talk about it. I want to die just thinking about it, it hurts. Like- physically,” the silver-haired man murmured and looked to the side.

_It must be horrendous._

“But- what if the pain reduces? What if it's like me with my fear of needles and blood? I was so terrified that I fainted whenever I saw them, but after two weeks in the hospital it didn't really matter anymore.” Hyungwon shuddered at the sudden memory of fainting because he saw how nasty his infected burn looked ten years ago.

“If I wasn't scared, I wouldn't take meds every day. It's weird, right? It's not that I think I don't deserve pain or anything, it just comes automatically and my instincts kick in. Run away, hide, drink, anything.” Sighing, Hoseok played with the skin on his hands.

“First of all, nobody ‘deserves’ pain, that's like advocating torture and _non, Hoseok, c'est terrible_.” Hyungwon pronounced the other man's name in French and made it sound hilarious because he dropped the ‘h’. “Second, then maybe you could try to find a way to do it without running away like, I don’t know, be tied up.” He giggled briefly before he suddenly stopped, scared that Hoseok would think something terrible about being tied up.

_However, he was fine with it before, so there can't be any associations._

“Have you- have you tried to talk about it with somebody who is closer to you than a doctor? Somebody you can share with?”

“You want to tie me up and force me to talk about my childhood trauma? Really? Are you sure that you like me?” Hoseok stared at him, judging hard.

“What? No! I was just trying to come up with ideas and to be honest I didn't think that I would be the person you would want to talk to in the first place.” Hyungwon sighed and crawled backwards until he could rest his back against the headboard, taking Hoseok along. “I'm just trying to think of solutions. I really like you, Hoseok and I want to help. If you think all this will get rid of me then you'd have to try harder. I don't give up on people I like that easily, ever. Especially…” He swallowed and met Hoseok’s dark gaze. “Especially if we're not friends.”

“I want you. I want you, Hyungwon, but I have no idea how this is going to work. I- Kihyun knows a few things, but he's- I mean who enjoys hearing about other people's demons? I- I want to be close to you so badly, but-” The other man opened his mouth to add something, but decided against it and simply stared at him with his round eyes.

“But?” Hyungwon asked and licked over his lips quickly, eyes remaining focused on Hoseok’s face. He probably knew the ‘but’, it must be the memories and associations that were only waiting to take over the silver-haired man’s mind and drive him mad. But he still wanted to hear it, see if Hoseok was able to elaborate, at least minimally.

_It means he wants to and that you are not the reason he can’t. He’s not disgusted by you, but troubled by his memories._

“I-” Hoseok stared and he could see how the other man's chest lifted and sank quicker while the color seemed to leave the already pale cheeks. “I can't understand that- that you like it because I just- there are only painful memories, I- I don't know,” he pressed out, attempting to get up from his lap.

_Oh no._

“Shh,” Hyungwon whispered and wrapped his arms around the other man as well as he could, plump lips attaching to Hoseok’s forehead and slim body curling up to make it possible without breaking his back. “It’s physical and pleasure is possible. It only needs to be done right and carefully and a person that really likes me is able to do that,” he muttered and continuously stroked over Hoseok’s hair, scared that he was hurting the other man with his words but unwilling to shut up. “I enjoy hearing about the demons of the people I like, because it feels like I am able to share them and thereby fight them, Hoseok.”

“I'll tell you one thing, but please don't ask anything else, okay?” Hoseok's voice was barely a whisper as he sat up and looked to the side, focusing on the picture of a mountain that hung on the wall. “Do you remember when you asked me to come with you? To your huge beach house?”

_Of course, you do, you were devastated later, lying on the sand at night, freezing and thinking it must have been you._

“Yes,” Hyungwon replied quietly, still holding onto the other man. “You changed your mind at the last moment, right when we got there and I wanted to go in.”

“Mhm. It's because it- it reminded me of _that_ house. It was also big and painted white. I am sorry, I should've told you and actually I really had the feeling that I could. I planned it, but you were gone the next day. It- it really hurt.” Hoseok's posture looked strange; he simply sat in a cross-legged position and stared without blinking and without really focusing on anything.

_Your house reminded him of back then._

It felt like Hyungwon needed to keep him close, to show that he cared and that it was okay, no matter what Hoseok told him.

“I'm sorry for disappearing back then. I cried for hours, screaming at my mother for sending me away without the opportunity to say goodbye. You could have told me anything back then and you still can. Anything, Hoseok, I'll listen.” He curled his hand around Hoseok’s face hesitantly and kissed his lips, hoping that it was okay, even when the silver-haired man talked about something as heavy as past memories.

“Ten years have passed, I'm not even sure that my nightmares are something that really happened or just a way for me to handle the pain, I don't know anything anymore.” The sea-haired man kept staring at one spot, even when Hyungwon kissed him. His reactions were weird.

_What is going on? He's not fainting but he's also not really there._

“What happened? Our meeting? I'm in front of you, so our meeting definitely happened,” Hyungwon whispered and intertwined his fingers with Hoseok’s. “And your pain because I left also happened, just like my tears at the mere thought of never seeing you again.”

“I don't know.” Hoseok seemed like he had lost muscle tension, fingers slowly slipping through the spaces between his own.

_Are you losing him?_

Hyungwon couldn't help but remember what the other man had told him. Hoseok had said that he dissociated, forgot himself and became unaware of what was happening around him. But even if that was the case, neither the internet nor Kihyun had told him how to deal with it and what to do.

_Just do what you always do. You're hopeless._

“Come here,” he whispered and lay down on the bed, taking the other man along and embracing him tightly. “Have you ever been to Sweden? It gets ridiculously dark in winter, it feels like the whole place has been forsaken by everybody, especially the sun. You can bet everything lit up when teenage me visited with vibrant red shorts and a neon orange shirt. I didn't know the definition of eye cancer back then.” Hyungwon chuckled and snuggled a little closer while staring at the ceiling. There was nothing there.

There was no answer as Hoseok lay down next to him. It seemed as if the other man focused on something between them, something he couldn't see.

_He's not listening._

“I really like you and I don't mind that you don't really react,” he commented and merely hugged the other man tighter. Maybe he didn't need to do anything, maybe he just had to hold on until Hoseok found himself again. It didn't even matter that Hyungwon wasn't supposed to stay over, he just closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of the other man's hair, middle class herb shampoo.

_You're not very true to yourself, Hyungwon. You hate it when people are passive._

“Never mind, I like you, but I don't like that you don't react,” he muttered eventually. Hyungwon just wanted to reach out and pinch the other man, do something so suddenly that he snapped out of it and stared at him with his almost black puppy eyes.

He needed exactly two seconds to come up with something.

Reaching between the two of them, he slipped his hand in between the other man's legs, shamelessly squeezing Hoseok’s dick.

_Nobody can stay passive with that._

It seemed like a ridiculously long process because at first nothing happened, Hoseok kept staring into nothingness until his eyes widened and he let out a silent gasp, trying to refocus, but ending up staring at Hyungwon’s lips. It was just what he wanted, gorgeous round eyes focused on nothing but him.

_Bingo._

***

 

It was hard to talk, to think about the things Hyungwon asked him about. He never really tried to put anything into words, especially not by himself after he had received psychotherapy. Why would he, if it only caused him pain and forced him to deal with the nightmares and scary thoughts by himself?

_Why would you do this to yourself? It’s just torture._

Hyungwon’s voice got lower and quieter, barely audible as his eyes focused on something he couldn’t really identify, sliding towards the window. He could see the pretty buildings outside of his hotel room. Which city was he in? How did the streets look? What did the people do at this time of the night? Were they at home eating dinner or did they stroll around? Was it winter or summer? His thoughts went further and he finally couldn’t perceive anything anymore, there was nothing, just simple, irrelevant thoughts embedded in nothingness.

He didn’t know how much time passed, what he did, where he was or what was happening to him. He simply floated, bodiless and untouchable. He couldn’t feel his skin, or his limbs, whether he breathed or not and, most importantly, no pain.

_But there is pain._

His sight turned black and he heard himself gasp at a stinging feeling that centered in his lower body. Blinking a few times, he tried to locate himself, but there was no information on what he was doing or where before thick, red lips materialized in front of his face.

_Who is this?_

He didn’t know. Reaching down, he curled his hand around something that didn’t belong to his body and squeezed it tightly.

There was a loud yelp, right in his ear as the foreign entity let go of him, followed by various curses.

“What the fuck? I definitely didn't squeeze you hard enough for you to snap my fucking wrist, Hoseok,” a low voice muttered and Hoseok slowly became aware of the body embracing him.

_You’re next to a person, get a grip, you need to know where you are._

Breathing quickly to get more oxygen, he blinked again, trying to focus on more than just the plump lips and ended up staring into huge, chestnut-brown eyes that seemed so painfully familiar. The information was right on the tip of his tongue, on the verge of being transferred into consciousness.

_Summer child._

“Summer child,” he murmured, letting go of everything that he was holding on to.

“Summer child with a broken wrist if you hadn't let go,” the blonde man replied before chuckling. “Oh no, your face tells me that you missed my extensive elaboration on Sweden and how I am the brightest thing over there. _Très triste_.”

“Where are we?” he asked, not able to remove his gaze from Hyungwon’s face as it was the only stable variable that held him together.

Something changed in the other man's face as his puffy lips parted and he glanced around quickly.

“Ehm- a hotel room, in the middle of Amsterdam, kind of fancy and with decent service but no condoms and no proper lubricant. Not a very large choice of alcoholic drinks in the bar and deserving an extensive review which I'm totally going to write. We're on tour, I’m your event manager, and I'm still kind of excited because you said that I'm not your friend. Fuck- watch me blush because I'm too damn cheesy about this.” Hyungwon babbled without a break, gesturing with his big hands and entangling their legs in the process.

_It's him. He's next to you._

“You’re everything. Everything that I like about my life.” He reached for the other man’s face carefully, locating his limbs and brushing a finger over his cheek and lips.

“You also like singing, don't you?” Hyungwon asked and smiled brightly, bottom lip moving down and revealing his lower teeth. It was a little funny because most people showed their upper teeth. “If I'm summer then you are everything that blooms when I'm around. Watch me write a poem about how much I like you, it'll be the cheesiest thing ever, so romantic you'll cringe at the first line.”

_Singing?_

“I do like singing, because every time I hear my own voice, I remember your face and the words that my voice makes you soar. I wanted to make others soar too, just like you. I can’t imagine myself cringing at anything that you write.” He was gone, unable to pay attention to anything else besides the other man’s beautiful face, his big eyes and full lips and his golden skin, shimmering in the barely lit room.

“I still can't believe you've done it. You wanted to sing so badly and here you are, on a fucking European tour to show your music to everybody. It's fantastic. I mean- look at me, I merely write for a few hundred people and myself on Twitter who care enough. Event management wasn't my ultimate goal in life, obviously, but I'm pretty decent at organizing and pulling deals out of people. It's okay. I'm happy that I have the opportunity to hear you sing and soar each time I do.” The blonde man laughed suddenly and wiggled his eyebrows. “I want to live in your shower and listen all the time while creeping up on your gorgeous body.”

Licking over the dry surface of his lips, he cleared his throat and sang.

 

“Faint taste of Bourbon and a sweet embrace  
Your wrist that rubs against my neck  
Pull the strands, get closer and decide the pace  
For there is more for you to wreck.”

 

_It probably doesn't make sense to him._

“I know that I look like someone who’s already wrecked, but I like to think that you can do much more in a positive way. Does it make sense?” He felt a little weird to show Hyungwon something he hadn’t recorded yet and after a complete meltdown. He wasn’t even sure that the lyrics were accurate, but it just came into his mind.

The other man gasped, pulling his lips into his mouth and exhaling roughly through his nose.

“Your words are always so raw, so genuine. It feels like I am in front of a tree, each layer peeling off in front of me and letting me see the wisdom that is hidden on the inside,” Hyungwon whispered and nodded. “It makes a lot of sense, like you planted the thoughts inside my mind. I would love to wreck you, set you ablaze without burning down.”

Hoseok wanted to put it into words so badly, he wanted to make Hyungwon understand what it meant to him, why being ablaze and being wrecked was something he needed to write lyrics about, why was it always so hard?

“You- you just make me feel safe somehow, it doesn’t make sense, right? Because I also avoided you, god I’m such a mess, I’m sorry.”

“I think I understand,” Hyungwon replied and pressed a kiss to his lips. “You know, there is something about you that makes me feel like you are surrounded by an invisible cage, but there is so much telling me that you want to leave it and only need a hand that reaches through and pulls you out. I really want to be that hand, the neck that your arms wrap around, the lips that you kiss.”

“I can explain to you how it feels. Remember when we kissed in the ocean? The water was so cold, freezing and numbing. It’s the place I am usually in, under the freezing waves. You took me out, embraced me in warmth, your body and your lips, but the waves around my legs kept reminding me that this is only temporary, because I would have to go back underwater.” Curling his arms around the other man’s warm body, he pulled him closer against his chest and connected their lips for a few seconds, gaining more awareness through the intense sensation.

It felt like Hyungwon melted in his arms, plump lips becoming even softer and one long leg wrapping around his body.

“I want to cover you in sunlight, real and bright instead of the few rays that break through the surface of the water,” the blonde man murmured and shivered briefly.

 

“Meeting your savoir, the moment you're free  
Is there the hope that person is me?  
The shoulders you brush, the neck you embrace  
The lips and the tongues that enter a race  
I wish it was me, the person you seek  
The one that shares the seconds you're weak.”

 

“I’m weak all the time. It’s more days and months and years.” Hoseok chuckled and snuggled against the other man’s slim, but incredibly warm chest. “I’m glad that I didn’t faint back then in the tent. You probably wouldn’t have much compassion left for me.”

“What? Why wouldn't I have any compassion left? Also, I don't think you are weak all the time. Here you are, lying next to me and doing alright. You also don't faint all the time, so I just hope that- you'll share with me when you do.” Wrapping his arms tightly around his broad body, the blonde man placed a kiss on top of his head, tickling him with his breaths. “I don't judge you for anything, Hoseok, apart from not having books of all my favorite poets. That's a crime.”

“I judge myself because I don’t deserve anything while wanting to shower you with every fucking thing there is, but I can’t even give you the basics whereas you are here next to me being a fucking saint without any reason for being so, fuck,” he murmured and buried his face in the warm crook of Hyungwon’s neck. He wanted to cry so badly, but crying sucked because it was self-pity.

“I have a lot of reasons. I like you, you are wonderful, you make me happy, your hair has the color of the place I love the most, you like poetry and your voice makes me soar, you sing Amy Winehouse in a way that makes me cry and you deserve everything and should be kissed senseless for judging yourself.” Grinning, the blonde man leaned in and did exactly that, kissing his lips and licking into his mouth until another, softer peck was placed on his nose. “You're like a gift and I'm slowly unwrapping it.”

 “But- what if you unwrap it and it's not what you expected? What if you don't like the gift?” he asked, clutching onto Hyungwon's waist like it was the solution for all of his problems.

“I told you before, Hoseok. I look into your eyes and I can tell that there is something hidden, something raw and beautiful. I cannot imagine disliking it once I get to it. You’re a treasure.”

“It's devastating, but I can't help thinking that you're wrong,” he whispered and sucked in a long breath, smelling Hyungwon's intoxicating scent. He only wanted to inhale, if that meant that he'd perceive the other man's delicious scent.

“Then let me show you that I'm right,” was the quiet reply as another kiss grazed his lips. Hyungwon leaned back again before sighing. “But I can't stay the night and I actually wanted to help you sleep. I'm hopeless.”

“I'm coming with you to your room.” He sat up and looked around. The surroundings looked more familiar than a few minutes before and he spotted his clothes.

_You're naked._

“Oh god, why am I naked?”

“Ehm, well- you were in a bathrobe and I took it off and then you lay on my lap and I told you a poem and some stories, until we started talking about other stuff and you did that d- thing.” The blonde man pursed his lips and ruffled up his hair. It looked hilarious. “Your hair also dried kind of funnily. I hope Marcia won't be angry.”

“Marcia doesn't judge my hair before I'm about to sleep with someone,” he commented, lifting his index finger, before the content of what he said reached his consciousness. “In someone else's bed, in the bed, she doesn't judge it. She only judges it when I'm about to give an interview or perform. Not- nothing private and not before I go to bed. To any bed.” Babbling non-stop, Hoseok finally found his underwear and pulled it over his butt. He was so fucking embarrassing.

“I'm sure she also wouldn't judge your hair before you generally sleep with somebody,” Hyungwon commented and winked playfully. “I'm happy you want to be in my bed, no matter what you actually meant and the state your hair is in.”

“I want to sleep- next to you, I really want you next to me, if you're okay with it.” Hoseok put on his jeans and a white t-shirt to not gain too much attention and slipped into his hotel slippers. “Would you accept my useless body next to you?”

“How about each time you say something bad about yourself, I'll slap your ass? It would be beneficial for me and maybe you'll stop,” the blonde man commented before laughing loudly. Hyungwon's movements were fast as he suddenly climbed off the bed and jumped up, holding onto Hoseok’s shoulders and wrapping his legs around him. “Not many things are able to make me happier than having you lie next to me.”

“Do you like slapping people? Is that what you're into?” He was a little scared. What if Hyungwon was into some kinky stuff?

_You can just faint if something is up, isn't it a talent of yours?_

“What?” Hyungwon's eyes widened briefly and he glanced around as if someone was suddenly watching him. There was a little bit of color at the tips of his ears. “To be honest I prefer to be slapped, but- yeah.”

His fingers tightened around the other man's sides as he immediately imagined slapping Hyungwon's golden, peach-formed butt. Fuck.

“Oh- my god,” he pressed out, trying to look to the side.

“Shit, was that too much info?” Hyungwon asked before hiding his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck. “That’s the softest of my preferences probably, damn,” the blonde man added quietly.

“Holy shit,” Hoseok heard himself say as he hissed at Hyungwon's hot lips against his neck, combined with his nice imagination. “But how can you look so beautiful and soft and- like stuff like being slapped at the same time? But you- you do have a really pretty ass.”

_Why are you like this, Hoseok? Stop talking about triggering stuff._

“I do,” Hyungwon whispered and Hoseok could tell that the other man was smiling against his skin. “It's a little flat but firm and I'm positively surprised to read from your voice that you're not too opposed to giving it a slap. If you remember, I also like to be tied up, like the one time when you fucked my mouth and held my wrists, fuck- I get dick twitches just thinking about it. Preferences don't have to fit your looks, you like what you like and I like to be dominated.” The blonde man lifted his head until his plump lips were right at Hoseok’s ear. “A lot.”

“But you're also pretty dominant in your behavior, you know what you like and want and you're not afraid to address it, I like it. I can still remember my thoughts when you undressed in front of me, ignoring my pleads to stop.” His voice was low as he let his fingers travel from Hyungwon's sides to his butt, squeezing it a little. “You really make me go crazy, I feel like there's not enough oxygen.”

“Shhh, don't tell my secret about ordering people around,” Hyungwon whispered against his own index finger and smiled widely. “You don't want to know my thoughts when I look at you, especially when you grab my ass like that- fuck.” The long legs that were wrapped around him tightened as the tall man used his hold to lean over Hoseok’s face, brushing his full bottom lip over his curved ones teasingly.

“I- it's complicated, I also- there are thoughts but I'm so fucking scared of them and they trigger the flashbacks and it hurts and in the end it's a whole mess, even though… I want you.” His mind was screaming at him to stop talking and to press Hyungwon against the closest available wall.

“You have no fucking idea how good it feels for me, Hoseok. I'm so damn sensitive that I- I just jizz like a fucking teenager. It's fucked up,” Hyungwon spoke and rolled his hips, just like that while staring Hoseok in the eyes.

“How did you know? Did you- try it with yourself first?” he asked, remembering how his therapist had told him to let himself be exposed to triggers.

_Just hope that you're exhausted from dissociating._

“Yeah, first with myself, playing around because I knew I was gay and was really curious. Then I died from pleasure and played around with a friend. It was pretty crazy and now I'm here, damn sure of what I like.” Hyungwon spoke quickly as usual while he tugged at his silver hair and spiraled the strands around his finger. “It's- like what you saw while rimming me, only ten times as intense. I just come after a few thrusts which is why I use cock rings.”

_Oh god._

“You- you mean your fingers, right? That- what you showed me before I panicked.” Swallowing, he felt his heartbeat pick up.

“Yes, let's say fingers,” Hyungwon replied and rolled his hips again as a hot mouth closed around Hoseok’s earlobe and sucked on it. “It feels fucking fantastic for me.”

“Would you- would you show me?” he asked, not sure, whether he was able to keep away the scary thoughts, but if it was something that brought Hyungwon so much pleasure, then maybe it was okay. “I might get a panic attack, but I still- I still want to see.”

“Shh,” Hyungwon whispered and kissed his lips. “It's okay; I'd love to show you. However, let's go to my room for that. You still want to sleep in my bed, right?”

“I do. I don't want to be alone. I'm always alone but it sucks so much.” It felt so weird to say all those things openly. Thoughts that had only visited him occasionally before he forced them away to maintain his status quo.

“It does, so let's stop being alone, shall we?” The blonde man smiled like the sun, white teeth on display and full lips spread out into a thin line. His big eyes had turned into crescent, showing how happy he was. Attempting to slide down his legs, Hyungwon laughed at himself before pulling Hoseok along. “Don't forget your keycard.”

“You said you had an extra card, which is why I opened the door in the first place,” he murmured and grabbed Hyungwon's face just as the other man attempted to walk towards the door. Inhaling sharply Hoseok closed the distance and connected their lips. It felt so nice, like Hyungwon was really summer, warming him from the inside.

“I do have an extra card,” the blonde man whispered against his lips and chuckled. “But how weird would it be if I always open your door?”

“Just do it. How do you plan on destroying a huge wall if you can't even open a hotel room door with a key card?” Hoseok chuckled and pushed down the door handle, stepping outside and waiting for Hyungwon to follow.

“You, mister, have zero career-preservation abilities. I'm your event manager, not your personal stalker,” Hyungwon exclaimed and gestured with his hands wildly as he slipped past Hoseok and dramatically model- walked to his own door, which he opened with his key card. “At least I shouldn't be. Come on.”

“Not to be this person but you have a room that's mainly decorated with my face and several enlarged body parts, like nipples.” Grinning, he entered the other man's room and went straight to the big double bed, kicking his slippers from his feet and throwing himself on top of it.

“Why would you pay so much attention in the first place? It was a secret treasure cave until you shamelessly opened the door, assuming it something as ludicrous as the bathroom. Have you ever seen a house that has the bathroom on that side? _Incroyable_.” Hyungwon sighed and closed the door behind him, lips pursed. As soon it was only the two of them in a hotel room, the tall man grabbed his, probably expensive, silk shirt and pulled it over his head before dropping it carelessly to the ground. Grinning brightly, Hyungwon crawled on top of the bed, only dressed in his ridiculously tight and mostly ripped jeans. It took only a few seconds until Hoseok had his lap occupied by a firm butt and slim thighs. “ _Voila_.”

“Fuck. I didn't know my libido could be like this, but you just burn everything down, I want you, I want you so much,” he whispered, fingers immediately reaching for the golden, naked skin, brushing over the small nipples.

“I like to impress,” Hyungwon hissed and threw his head back, hot palm landing on top of Hoseok’s and leading it along his chest, over his nipples and downwards to his crotch. Keeping his hand in place, the blonde man rolled his hips into it, moaning right after. “Undress me.”

_Use the moment as long as you're not panicking._

Hoseok licked over his lips and grabbed Hyungwon's hips tightly before turning them and ending up hovering over the gorgeous blonde man. His lips immediately attached to the naked skin and he kissed and licked over every spot he could find. His fingers found the button of Hyungwon's jeans and he made quick work, pulling the fabric down the other man's gorgeous, long legs.

“Fuck yes,” the beautiful man muttered and let his eyes flutter shut, hands instantly reaching out to grasp the pillows above his head and hold on tightly. “My mind is always circling around you, I must be obsessed.” Hyungwon sounded a little breathy already, erection obvious as he spread his legs.

“I must be obsessed too,” he muttered as he bit into Hyungwon's lean thigh, licking over the red spot right after. “You're so fucking gorgeous; I want to leave marks all over your body.”

“I love marks,” Hyungwon replied with a grin and spread his legs even wider, watching him intently. “The more the merrier. I love how it feels.”

Motivated by the response, Hoseok continued nibbling on the golden skin, leaving marks and moaning against it as he saw Hyungwon's erection twitch right in front of his face. There was precum on the tip, he couldn’t help leaning in, and licking it while digging the tip of his tongue into the slit.

“Shit,” Hyungwon cursed and threw his head back, thighs quivering in response and toes curling. “If you warm me up like this, it'll be less than a few stabs of my fingers. Fuck.”

His heartbeat picked up at the words and the images that immediately appeared in front of his inner eye.

_But maybe you're just aroused, that's how arousal feels._

Swallowing, he took Hyungwon's lower body and easily lifted it in the air, licking over his crack and sucking on the sensitive skin of his balls.

“Oh god,” the other man gasped and he saw how those gorgeous brown eyes closed and Hyungwon pulled at the pillows he was holding on to, fingers scratching over the white fabric. “Shit, this feels amazing.”

“I want to drown you in amazing, I want you to only feel the good things, all of them,” he whispered and repeated the movement, biting into Hyungwon's right buttcheek while his fingers dug into the firm flesh.

“You're doing fucking great then, damn,” was the breathy response as the gorgeous man moaned loudly and trembled in Hoseok’s grip. Hyungwon's dick twitched as his brown eyes opened again and he met his gaze. “Lick me.”

He could've called himself experienced after doing it twice and not fainting or anything similarly embarrassing and terrifying. Grinning from in between Hyungwon's golden thighs, he bent the other man, so that he had perfect access. Starting out with smooth circles, Hoseok blew against the tender skin before simply pushing his tongue in.

_It's what he liked most._

Hyungwon moaned loudly, shaking in Hoseok’s grip until he whimpered and attempted to push his hips further into his face. Instead of cursing or commenting, the blonde man seemed much more incoherent, throwing the pillows off the bed and holding onto the sheets above his head instead.

“Shit, fuck me with your tongue,” he gasped and threw his thighs over Hoseok’s shoulders, eyes squeezed shut.

He felt his dick twitch in his jeans and pushed his tongue further into Hyungwon's tight body. God, he loved the sounds Hyungwon was making, they drove him mad, made his heart beat fast and his breaths hitch. Groaning, he picked up the pace and buried his face in Hyungwon's lower body.

It was actually arousing how incoherent the other man seemed, moaning his name uncontrollably and contracting around his tongue. Scratching noises and loud gasps filled the air until Hoseok suddenly felt fingers brush over his face and sliding along Hyungwon's ass.

“I want more,” the blonde man whispered.

_You asked him to show you. Aren't you trying to run away again?_

He leaned back, wiping over his face and bit down on his swollen lips.

“Show me,” he murmured, watching how gorgeous Hyungwon looked spread legged and lying naked in front of him.

There was a low hum as the other man swallowed a few times and blinked rapidly, probably to calm down a little. Hyungwon's fingers were long and thin, sliding along his butt cheek and leaving thin red lines on the golden skin.

“It's just like your tongue,” the gorgeous man commented and reached his entrance, drawing circles around the muscle just as Hoseok had before. Another gasp left Hyungwon and his dick twitched a sign that he must have really enjoyed it and trembled from anticipation.

His heartbeat picked up, but it must be arousal, it had to be arousal. Exhaling sharply, he unbuttoned his jeans and sunk his hand into his underwear, curling it around his erection and gasping at the sensation.

_You know that you can't breathe because you love it so much. You've never felt like this before, it's not anxiety._

“I'm doing the same thing,” Hyungwon continued and dipped the tip of his middle finger into his body, only until the first joint, no further as the slim thighs trembled again and a soft moan left the other man's full lips. “Only- a little-” there was another gasp as Hyungwon slipped the digit further inside his body, almost until the knuckle, “deeper.”

“Oh god,” he whispered, unable to tear his gaze from the way Hyungwon's body trembled and he looked so- so struck by pleasure and bliss, it was gorgeous. “I think I'm fucked.”

Hyungwon shook his head quickly and moaned again, calves still resting on Hoseok’s shoulders and subconsciously pulling him a little closer. When the gorgeous man visibly curled his index finger there was a sudden scream, golden thighs flexing and dick twitching instantly. Hyungwon's chest was rising and falling quickly and his other hand wrapped around the base of his erection, squeezing tightly like he wanted to stop himself from coming. He pulled his finger back out halfway and thrust back inside, screaming again at the pleasure that must have been coursing through him.

Moaning, Hoseok moved his hand as arousal seemed to reach unbearable heights. He shifted closer, leaning to the side and biting into the skin of Hyungwon's thigh. He wanted to be close to the beautiful man so badly.

“I want you, fuck.”

“Shit, bite me more, please,” the man below him whimpered and started moving his hand a little faster, finger slipping in and out of him until he carefully placed his index finger next to it, screaming again. He seemed to be feeling so fucking good, losing himself in the pleasure and shaking uncontrollably. The hand that held onto the base of Hyungwon's erection was a little paler from the effort. “I'll never hold out, fuck, I'm so close, Hoseok.”

Hoseok moaned again, voice low and breathy as he did as asked, nibbling on the golden skin while his eyes focused on the movements of Hyungwon's fingers. He also wanted to make Hyungwon moan like this, to make him lose his mind and scream his name. He licked over his fingers and reached between Hyungwon's legs, curling his hand around the other man's erection and stroking it in the same pace with his own.

“Fuck, oh god.” Hyungwon's eyes shut tightly and he let go of the base of his erection, letting Hoseok stroke it as one single motion of the other man's long fingers was sufficient to make him orgasm. Hyungwon's legs shook on top of Hoseok’s shoulders and he screamed his name, whimpering for a few long seconds as his release dripped down Hoseok’s hand. With their position, it was easy to see how Hyungwon's entrance contracted around the two digits repeatedly.

“Touch me, Hyungwon, please, I'm losing it,” he whispered, closing his eyes and breathing heavily. It was definitely arousal but the bodily response was similar, his heart beat so fast, he felt like fainting.

“I hope you're not too squeamish about stuff like this,” Hyungwon whispered and let his hand run over Hoseok’s cum-covered fist and used it to slide his fingers over Hoseok’s painfully hard erection. The other man's motions were quick and precise, thumb rubbing over the tip with each stroke and grip tightening on its way up. “I want to see you come.”

He threw his head back, moaning before turning to the side and sinking his teeth into Hyungwon's golden skin to shut himself up. His hips moved on their own and the position made him go completely wild. He imagined moving inside Hyungwon's body like this and he definitely would've fainted, but it was arousal, so he just groaned and moved his hips faster.

“I want you, Hyungwon, all of you.”

“There is nothing stopping you but yourself,” Hyungwon whispered and pulled him into a kiss by curling an arm around his neck. The blonde man was so flexible, not caring that he was bending himself in half. “I love how you feel in my hand, warm, thick and veiny. You cannot imagine how much you could make me scream from pleasure, Hoseok.”

“I want to, I want to make you scream from pleasure,” he hissed, thinking about how it would feel to be inside Hyungwon's tight, hot body and to feel him contract around him in the same way he had been contracting around Hoseok's tongue. The pictures made him twitch in Hyungwon's hand as he released himself with a loud moan.

_Holy shit._

“Oh my god,” he whispered, holding onto Hyungwon's thighs to not lose balance. It felt incredible. His heartbeat slowed down a little and he stared at Hyungwon's gorgeous, blush covered face.

“Wow, that's a lot of cum,” Hyungwon commented with a giggle, before lifting his golden hand to his lips and licking along the back of it all the way to the tip of his index finger. “I'm happy that you loved it that much.”

“My thoughts were really scary and- also hot. Really hot.” Swallowing he looked to the side, using the moment that he felt extremely calm even though they were both covered in cum and had messed up the bed linen. “But- I- I don't think I will be able to enjoy this, if I think about it, it just hurts so- if you,” it was amazing how his heartbeat immediately picked up from trying to put his thoughts into words. “If you like doing stuff like this you have to- to find somebody who likes it in the same way you do.” As soon as the words were out, he felt dizzy and sucked in a long breath, then another one, only increasing the blurriness in his vision.

“What? Dear god, I don't finger anybody, I just like to be fingered, Hoseok, nice and deep,” Hyungwon whispered and flexed his legs again, groaning a little as he removed them from Hoseok’s shoulders. “I'd caress your face and your hair, but my hands are covered in cum and then you'll have to shower again. Also- your shirt is kind of ruined, but I'm digging the way my thighs look kinda oily, _érotique_.”

“I'm trying not to faint,” he muttered, processing that Hyungwon didn't intend to touch him like that. The knowledge made it better, much better. “When I'm- I'm fine and not going nuts, I want to try making you feel good too.”

_If you manage to keep your shit together._

“Oh god, fuck the cum,” Hyungwon hissed and wrapped his arms around his neck and climbed on his lap. “I'd love for you to make me feel good, but now I just want to squish you. You're doing amazing, Hoseok. A few friends of mine would have already jumped out of the window in an attempt to escape all the gay.”

Ignoring all the mess they created, he buried his face in the crook of Hyungwon's neck.  It was scary but at the same time, it felt like the safest place on earth. A place where he could be himself, have worries, be fucked in the head and scared. All of it was irrelevant because Hyungwon was still there, embracing him like a warm summer and infusing positivity like warm rays of sunshine into the familiar blackness. The sun could reach everywhere. Even underwater.

Hoseok had no idea what love felt like, but it must be something like this.

 


	13. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing will happen, Hoseok.
> 
> Nothing bad will happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 25th of March at 2 PM CET.
> 
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Hyungwon’s mind was softly pulled from a dream in which he lay on the sand and attempted to draw with his feet. It was perfect and filled with the sound of Hoseok’s low voice singing behind him, pleasant and dreamy. The silver-haired man was performing one of his favorite songs, the one he always used as his caller ringtone.

_Ringtone, he can't sing the musical background too, Hyungwon._

His eyes opened and settled on the white ceiling of a hotel room, quiet apart from Hoseok’s beautiful voice singing from the phone in the back pocket of his jeans, uselessly lying next to the bed. They were exactly where Hoseok had thrown them. The room smelled like sex and the rather repulsive dried cum covering his legs provided the perfect explanation.

_You fingered yourself, came all over him and yourself and he did the same and both of you gave zero shits, cuddling up and falling asleep._

Hyungwon felt himself regretting as he glanced around and registered Hoseok’s hot arms around him, but the fact that somebody didn't give up calling him meant it must be important. Crawling out of the embrace with effort, he stood up and hurried to his jeans, took out his phone and picked up.

“Yes?” he said, voice sounding like he had deep throated a mammoth.

“Did you kidnap Hoseok?” Kihyun's dangerous voice ripped through the speaker. “We have to go to the sound check and he's not in his hotel room because I had the security open it.”

“Oh- Ehm,” Hyungwon began, checked his watch and looked at the peacefully sleeping man in his bed. It probably didn't qualify as kidnapping, not really. “I didn't kidnap him or anything, but I can help to make sure he's there in the next fifteen minutes.”

_Hope that he is quick at showering because god knows that he needs it._

“I know that as a lawyer I shouldn't be like this, but I'll kill you if he isn't here in ten,” Kihyun hissed and cursed like a marine officer before hanging up.

_Fuck._

Hyungwon panicked, threw his phone on top of his pants and climbed on the bed, shaking Hoseok a little.

“Hoseok, if you care about me you really have to get up,” he muttered repeatedly. “Kihyun will kill me if you're not ready in ten minutes and you're covered in cum. I can lend you a shirt so you don't have to go back to your room.”

There was a low groan as strong arms curled around his body and Hoseok simply pulled him on top of himself. A few seconds passed before the other man wrapped his thick thighs and arms around him like a koala, squeezing the air out of his lungs.

“Shit,” Hyungwon cursed aloud and would have loved to just relax and fall asleep again (apart from the cum) but there was something about Yoo Kihyun's voice that conjured images of imminent death. “Hoseok, please, he'll kill me.”

_Your timing is amazing, he just told you to keep your fingers off. Fuck._

“Let me love you,” Hoseok sang and hummed some pretty song without opening his eyes.

_Does he cuddle everybody like this?_

“Kihyun- will- kill- me,” Hyungwon emphasized word-by-word and wiggled helplessly. “You won't be able to love me then. He'll break down the door and see you naked, me naked and the cum. It'll be a mess, Hoseok.”

Suddenly Hoseok's eyes opened and stared.

“What do you mean Kihyun will open the door? He'll kill me first, fuck. What am I doing?” The monologue was amazing, just that Hoseok still wrapped himself around his body like a koala and didn't move.

“He said we have ten minutes, probably seven by now and you still have to shower. Fuck.” Hyungwon wiggled again and chewed on his cheek. He also had to get ready and he wasn't nearly as quick. He just dilly-dallied and did nothing for minutes at a time. “He already looked for you and opened your hotel room. He can easily do the same here, so _bouge ton cul_.”

_You're like a teenager with his lover, scared that your parents will find out._

He was catapulted into the air. It was a mystery how Hoseok was able to jump from the bed while holding him in place.

“I hate stress,” he muttered and carried him to the shower. “I need three minutes.”

“Okay,” Hyungwon whispered before slipping out of Hoseok’s embrace and standing in the bathroom like an idiot. He wasn't that fast, ever. “Go ahead then, I'll- need longer.”

Nodding, the gorgeous muscular man entered the shower and turned on the water, throwing his head back and stroking over his skin like in some kind of erotic movie.

Hyungwon watched, mesmerized by the sight and inhaled sharply through his nose. Getting hard like an idiot was embarrassing, so he stared at the ceiling instead and tried to come up with a poem on how Kihyun would murder him.

“He'll kill me, won't he?” he asked, still staring at the ceiling, and couldn't help but feel a little cold. It was summer but he was sensitive when he didn't know what to do with himself. His alarm was for later and he only had to coordinate with the staff for the sound check.

There was the sound of the shower door sliding back.

“Come here,” Hoseok whispered and stretched out his arm through the mist that escaped the shower stall.

“W-what?” Hyungwon blinked a few times and tried to comprehend why Hoseok would waste his time by inviting him in. He was stupid in the morning. Chewing on his cheek, he reached out and grabbed the warm hand.

Again, he basically flew against Hoseok's hot naked skin enveloping him whole as the other man kissed him. It felt so soft, like a cloud, as if nothing else existed.

“It'll be okay.”

Hyungwon really wanted to tell Hoseok to hurry the fuck up, but instead he wrapped his arms around the other man and kissed back. It felt amazing, like they were meant to be that close and covered by water.

_He's drowning and you keep his lungs above the water._

“You were freezing, it mustn't happen. Summer has to stay warm.” Hoseok kissed him once again before slipping out of the shower. “Take your time; I'll be busy until the concert anyway. See you there.” There was a breathtakingly beautiful smile and Hoseok wrapped himself in a towel and walked through the door.

It was difficult to look away, that's how gorgeous the other man looked, like something that pulled Hyungwon in and didn't let go anymore.

“I'll scream your name the loudest,” he called out, a little sad that Hoseok had to leave. “I'm your first fan after all.”

The sound of the water masked the sounds outside the bathroom, but Hyungwon assumed that the other man had dressed quickly and left, continuing with his responsibilities and what was expected of him.

_But he didn't faint, Hyungwon. You went further and he didn't faint._

_It meant a lot, didn't it?_

_

 

“You are a dick,” was the first thing his best friend told him when Hyungwon finally found the time to give the other man a call.

“I love you too,” he replied with a chuckle and moved away from the backstage rooms where he was meeting with the security team. It was pretty warm already and the fans in the stalls were going to be exhausted and in need of water. Staff had to be prepared for that and make sure there was enough water to give out.

“I can't believe you went on tour without me. You should have begged the boss twice or something. He's your uncle after all and you're touring with your crush and seeing the world. If that's not life goals then I don't know what is.” Minhyuk sounded like he was rolling around on his bed at home and pouting in dissatisfaction. “I'm lonely without you here; it's just the same old clients and me helping out Jooheon because you had to be replaced. He's- he's cute.”

“Gay freaks him out, Minhyuk, don't.”

“But I love challenges!” It was easy to imagine Minhyuk pushing his delicate fist into the air as he laughed maniacally. His best friend never knew what was good for him, neither when they were in school nor now. The other man was superb at pretending that nothing could hurt him and he was above it all, initiating fuck deals and gifting his affection only to become too involved and get hurt in the end.

_The two of you are similar._

“Celebrities are a bad idea, Minhyuk. It'll just make you unhappy,” he murmured and remembered his past experiences. They were part of him but he wouldn't have wanted to repeat most of them. It sucked when you visited your lover, got fucked and had to leave again. It wasn't really what Hyungwon imagined under the term ‘love’.

“Says the guy who is currently doing a European tour as a domestic event manager with his celebrity crush.”

_He has a point._

“Fine, but don't come crying later.” Sighing, Hyungwon glanced towards the gigantic stage, the first time that Hoseok performed in such a big venue in Amsterdam. It was amazing and he felt so proud of the silver-haired man for achieving so much in such a short time. Hyungwon couldn't relate to such rapid success.

“Of course, I'll come crying to you, I don't have anybody else,” Minhyuk replied cheerfully before kissing the receiver repeatedly and dropping the call. It had sounded cheerful, but there was something bitter to it because Hyungwon knew it was true. His best friend didn't have anybody and had been financed by Hyungwon's family since birth, starting with regular visits to their house and playing with Hyungwon and finishing with money for his education. It was probably the reason why they were so close and had stayed together all this time. The only exception to Minhyuk being part of his family had been France. That was only for the ‘real’ family.

_He's probably really lonely without you around._

Hyungwon stared at his phone for a while before finally packing it away. He didn't have much time before the start of the concert and he wanted to make sure everything was perfect, as always.

He couldn't wait to soar above the crowd for the few hours that Hoseok would bless him with his voice.

_

 

The concert was splendid, a wave of excitement and positive emotions rained down on Hyungwon as he stood at the side between two security guards and felt near and far at the same time. He knew that he was different from the crowd now, not just a fan that watched and lived for the words that left Hoseok’s lips, but somebody who was close to the other man and mattered. The silver-haired man had been in his bed hours ago, embracing him tightly and asking to love him. There was so much that changed over the past few months that it felt a little overwhelming to be at a concert again and to listen. Hoseok didn't see him, for that his position wasn't right, but the artist interacted as well as he could and even made Hyungwon cry by singing one of his sadder works.

The craziest was ‘Cave Me In’. It was one thing to listen to a song in person, in a garden in the middle of the night and then experience the completed version alone in one's office. However, it was something entirely different to hear a song that was written for him be sung in front of thousands of people. None of them knew that it was for Hyungwon, but he did and that is what made it special.

Once the concert ended, he felt empty, like all the affection and energy had been sucked from his chest and he only wanted to fall into Hoseok’s arms and sleep, face buried in the crook of the other man's neck.

After settling the last details with security, Hyungwon went backstage and knocked on the door to Hoseok’s changing room. He wanted to be polite and performing for two hours was tiring.

_You can congratulate him for an amazing show. It was everything and more._

“Are you finally back?” Kihyun's voice came closer until the door was ripped open and the grey-haired man appeared in front of him. “Oh.”

“By ‘you’ did you mean Hoseok?” he asked and raised an eyebrow as he quickly scanned the dressing room. The ocean-colored hair was easy to find and there was definitely no sign of it. “Where is he?”

_Shouldn't he be relaxing on the couch after all the exertion?_

“Uh- he went to the restroom but he should've been back already,” the other man muttered and looked past him.

Hyungwon needed exactly two seconds to make a perfect turn that every ballerina would be envious of and run along the hallway. His intuition told him to look as close to the stage as he could, there was a rather shady restroom nearby and Hyungwon could somehow imagine Hoseok going there.

Once he reached the black, heavy door, he pulled it open and slipped inside. There was nobody at the pissoirs and the stalls were open, all except one.

 _Bingo_.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped closer and thought about what to say until he decided to keep it simple.

“Hoseok?” he asked carefully.

There was no answer, just the sound of breaths. It was perfectly possible that Hoseok was panicking, shit.

Hyungwon got closer and knocked against the wooden stall door, eyes staring at a few scratches and random inscriptions.

“Are you okay, Hoseok?” he asked again. Maybe he shouldn't have. When he felt shit and someone asked him whether he was okay, he just ended up crying like a baby.

There was a low hum that didn't sound especially convincing.

“Can I- can I come in?” Hyungwon asked again and couldn't help but press himself to the stall door like a stalker to hear better. He wasn't really doing a good job at this whole being inconspicuous thing, but he also never had to convince people to come out of a bathroom stall apart from that one girl at prom that hated him for stealing her date.

“There are other stalls, you can use them,” Hoseok whispered and he heard a body shifting on the ground.

_He's sitting on the floor, oh god._

“I don't want another stall; I want to see you, Hoseok. To- to help if I can.” Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon genuinely wondered how difficult it was to break the door, but that would have probably terrified the other man. There was no necessity to break it unless he stopped getting a response. “I missed you and wanted to tell you how amazing you were. You stole my breath away again.”

“You don't need to help me, there's already way too much that you're doing for me whereas I do nothing for you. Nothing besides being a charity case.”

_Come on use your brain._

“I'm pretty sure we had this conversation before, Hoseok. It's just a matter of time until I will be reading you a list of things, I love about you in my dreams. You're constantly giving me things and if you want to give me something now then-” Hyungwon wrapped his fingers around the door handle and pulled his lips into his mouth in anticipation, “you can start by opening the door.”

There was shuffling before he heard the door open and saw Hoseok's gorgeous, but extremely tired looking face, pale cheeks glistening with tears.

“I don't give. I only take. You should've kept listening to my music, without dying to meet me because as soon as you met me, I bet you wished that you never did.”

Hyungwon couldn't help the brief shock and the instant influx of empathy that occupied his chest, telling him to stop everything and embrace the other man. He wanted to tell Hoseok that everything would be okay, that there was nothing he loved more than meeting and getting to know him as a person.

“Meeting you was the best thing that has ever happened to me,” he whispered and stepped closer before fucking carefulness sideways and wrapping his arms tightly around Hoseok. “Be it ten years ago or several months ago, each time I met you I loved every second of it.” Hyungwon could feel tears against his neck, but it didn't really matter. His right hand stroked over Hoseok’s hair while the left kept the muscular body as close as possible.

“I realized that I can’t give you anything, even if I performed a whole concert full of songs for you, it still won't be enough. I can't make up for anything that you are giving me and I'll never be able to.” Hoseok's voice was barely a whisper and he let his arms hang at his sides loosely.

“Imagine this, Hoseok,” Hyungwon began and tried to pull his string of thoughts into a coherent speech. It was important this time, he had to make sense. “Performing a concert isn't something that you imagine to be valuable because- because you're the one performing it, it's something that you give, so you might think it's not worth all that much, that your singing voice doesn't give me much. Now turn the whole thing around and think of me. What if the things I give you also don't seem very sacrificial or significant to me? What if I happily give them away while being overwhelmed by the things you give me and independent of how much I bought, gave you as presents and got to know you, it never feels like I've done enough. It's the same, the perspective is what makes it seem like I’m only giving, and you're only receiving. It's bullshit and I've been the happiest person alive these past three hours and everybody who thinks differently can suck my dick.”

“I don't want anybody to suck your dick. Not that I can tell you what to do, but I don't like the thought.” Hoseok wrapped his arms around him hesitantly. “I'm scared to fuck it up. I'm scared that I feel so much towards you and you'll just disappear because there's literally nothing special about me and I'll be alone again, and I really don't think I can handle that.”

Hoseok’s fear seemed partially irrational to him and partially it was something every person that cared was afraid of, something that couldn't really be confirmed until the end. One couldn't promise feelings until eternity, but one could argue in favor of it being possible.

“Not special my ass,” Hyungwon replied and chuckled briefly before placing a kiss right in the middle of Hoseok’s hair, the spot where he could see a little bit of skin in the form of a tiny circle. “You're my first love, Hoseok. There's never been as much connecting me to another person as the mass of memories, emotions and impressions that connect me to you.”

“I think- I love you, Hyungwon. I love you so much, fuck.” Hoseok shivered and pressed himself closer, burying his face deeper into the crook of his neck and tightening his embrace.

“I love you too,” Hyungwon replied quietly, lips brushing over the shell of Hoseok’s ear and echoing back from the walls of the restroom stall they were standing in. He chuckled at how true the words were, obvious in the back of his head but he had continued to be careful. Hyungwon hadn't wanted to confront Hoseok with his feelings before making sure it was as mutual as it goes. His chest felt warm and pleasant at the words and the meaning behind them. “I'm really happy right now, because- because you said it.”

“I can't think about anything else, just that I love you, that I want to be with you and the fear that I'll fuck it up.” Leaning back, Hoseok kissed him with his wet lips that tasted a little salty from the tears.

_Like the sea._

Hyungwon kissed back and slowly pushed Hoseok’s body against a stall wall, just enough to be able to close the door behind them. The bathroom of a venue might have been a little bit too public for emotional confessions.

_It's not only about you._

It sucked because he felt just about ready to scream his affection into the world and tell everybody else to fuck themselves. But it wasn't that easy for Hoseok.

“I've been thinking about it the past few months while trying to stop being so greedy,” he replied softly before covering Hoseok’s lips with his own again. It felt nice, like they didn't need anything else while his chest and stomach celebrated a party of their own, turning like a Ferris wheel at 80 mph. He wanted to make the other man so happy he'd watch sad movies to compensate.

“Let me be your summer, Hoseok. I'll make sure it never ends.”

“Please be with me. Please,” the other man whispered against his lips and cupped his face, kissing him repeatedly. “I'm no good, I'm really not, but still, please.”

_He still believes that._

It was like arguing with a blue wall, one with a bold inscription that proclaimed it was white. Hyungwon kept telling it that it was blue, but the inscription didn't change, almost as if it was locked there forever.

But that was impossible. Humans changed and could also believe something different.

“You're perfect,” he murmured in between the kisses, watching Hoseok’s face intently. “Of course, I'll stay with you. Only- well- maybe not in a public restroom?”

“Please don't do this to me.” Kihyun's voice came closer before he ripped the door open, staring at them with a deadpan expression on his face. “Why? What the fuck did I do for you to be like this?”

Hyungwon was smart enough to stop kissing Hoseok as soon as he heard another voice, but he was still kinda pressing the silver-haired man into the wall while there were tears on Hoseok’s face, makeup in place despite everything.

_You probably look like you are bullying him._

“I don't think it's about you, Kihyun,” he replied and dared a brief glance at Hoseok’s face.

“This is a venue, people are around, what are you doing?” The grey-haired man massaged his temples and took Hoseok's hand, pulling him towards himself. “Are you okay? Why didn't you tell me? You always do.”

Hyungwon felt the sudden urge to pull him right back, like in a shitty sitcom.

“I- I don't know. I just want to go home,” Hoseok whispered and turned to him, taking Hyungwon's hand. He couldn't help but smile a little and squeezed it once.

“There is no point in figuring out why, is there? Let's just go back to the hotel,” Hyungwon pointed out and met Kihyun's gaze. He couldn't quite tell what the other man was thinking but he doubted it was anything good.

“I thought you were ‘friends’,” Kihyun hissed at him and turned back to Hoseok. “We need to have a talk, this is a mess.” The other man pulled Hoseok out of the stall and walked towards the exit.

Hyungwon felt a little stupid as he stared at his palm that had been holding Hoseok’s only a moment ago. The grey-haired man annoyed him no end with his behavior, treating him as if he was a child and had no idea what was going on.

_You know exactly what love means for a celebrity like Hoseok._

Pressing his lips together Hyungwon followed and wondered what Kihyun had told the singer in the morning, after he had been at Hyungwon's hotel room overnight.

“Relationships change,” he hissed once he caught up with the two men. Hoseok seemed a little bit like a child, walking along with whoever happened to be holding his hand.

_Not quite, he loves you, Hyungwon. Don't forget that only because you are angry._

Once they reached the dressing room, he let himself drop on the comfortable couch and crossed his legs. His eyes were set on Hoseok’s manager, expecting a lecture.

“Are you nuts? You can't do this, you promised me that you'd wait until starting therapy again, Hoseok.” Kihyun stopped in front of the sea-haired man and looked at him.

_What is ‘this’? Kissing in public restrooms?_

“I will start, but- I can't stay away from him,” Hoseok whispered and looked to the ceiling. That was definitely not subtle, so Hyungwon licked over his lips quickly and prepared himself for an even longer lecture. It must have been his childhood experiences, lectures were the one thing he always had to expect whenever he broke the rules or did whatever the fuck he wanted, which happened to be often.

“Are you forbidding him from getting close to people? How fucked up is that?” Hyungwon exclaimed and stared at the grey-haired man. He did agree with the part about therapy though.

“I'm not forbidding anything, but you don't fucking know him, Hyungwon. Stop fucking with his mental health. He got really unstable after he started hanging out with you. I don't want him to feel bad, you- god, I shouldn't have asked you to come along.” Kihyun turned back to Hoseok and started talking quietly, so that Hyungwon couldn't hear what he was saying.

Anger bubbled under his skin and he began to curl and uncurl his fingers in a tight fist. Kihyun wasn't right about Hyungwon not knowing him, maybe he hadn't spent as many years with the silver-haired man as his manager did, but Hyungwon hadn't been lying when he said there was something in Hoseok’s eyes, something that had already been there ten years ago. It didn’t matter how long they’ve known each other for, Hyungwon had never opened up to somebody as quickly as he did with the muscular man next to him, be it ten years ago or now. Kihyun had no fucking idea what connected them and going behind Hyungwon's back was a dick move.

Tightening his jaw, Hyungwon stared at the ceiling, waiting for Hoseok’s manager to magically remember the basic rules of decency.

_Maybe he is unstable next to you, but he also said that you make him feel, inspire him and give him summer back. What's the point of stability if he spends it underwater?_

“You think that I know nothing because you know nothing about me, Kihyun. I understand that you feel protective of him, so do I, but building a wall around him is not going to help.”

“But do you know what it means to take a person out of their safe space? He- he’s never had relationships before, he just makes music, Hyungwon. You are sitting there, having his affection and thinking that it gives you the right to just go full-blown gay on him, even though he's traumatized, to pull him out of everything he knows and to set him on fire. It's selfish, you think you know him? Amazing. Then you simply don't care, but I do. Which is why I told him to start therapy and have resources and support set up before throwing away everything including his career. Aren't you a fan? You should sell your stuff while it's still worth something.” Kihyun turned to Hoseok and whispered something into his ear before walking towards the exit. “Thanks for the organization, but that's all I'm thankful for.”

Hyungwon wanted to close his bony fingers around Kihyun's wrists and squeeze as much as he could to get rid of the overwhelming anger inside his veins. The other man had no fucking idea. Money didn't mean a single thing to him. He would never sell his possessions because it wasn't about the money but about the emotional significance they carried. He cared about Hoseok and he wanted to help. If confronting the problem was what Hoseok needed in order to begin to talk about his trauma, then Hyungwon had wanted to be part of it, to help the silver-haired man face it. It was hurtful to accuse him of not caring about the singer.

_He thinks you're using his affection, calls you selfish and ignorant, makes fun of you being a fan and finally belittles your possessions._

Hyungwon had never wanted to hire somebody for illegal services as much as at that moment.

“I hate him,” he whispered quietly to give his feelings a name and threw his head back on the couch.

“I'm sorry he said that. I should've told him that you were the fan I was meeting, he- I think it's my fault.” Hoseok stood in the middle of the room like a lost child and played with his fingers.

_Your quarrel might make him even more uncomfortable. Get a grip._

“Of course, it's not your fault.” Hyungwon smiled warmly and stood up. He was angry at Kihyun for being stubborn, not at Hoseok. The silver-haired man probably felt overwhelmed independent of their disagreement. He wrapped his arms around the muscular singer and held him close. It was a little irresponsible of Kihyun to just leave them there.

_You know how to organize safe transportation, so do that._

“I understand Kihyun too, a little, I guess. He cares about you and is overprotective, so he thinks I'm a danger to you. It's shameless of him to not even let me talk and explain my point of view, assuming instead, but don't bother with that. The two of us are adults and will have to figure this out amongst ourselves. Let's go home for now, okay?”

“I thought being in love would mean being happy all the time, but somehow…” Packing his bag quietly, Hoseok sighed and walked towards the exit.

Hyungwon felt his jaw clench again, thoughts of punching Kihyun immediately racing through his head. The other man had planted doubt into Hoseok’s head, making him associate the confrontation with his own feelings towards Hyungwon. It was supposed to be a happy day, after all the silver-haired man had told him that he was in love with him. It was meaningful, more than he had hoped for, but there they were, in a room backstage and acting like their feelings for each other were the main problem.

“Being in love means feeling more intensely, also happiness when you are next to the person you love,” Hyungwon replied and brushed through his blonde hair. “We'll figure this out, so don't you dare blame your discomfort with the situation on your feelings for me. I love you and that's a great thing, _la fin_.”

Following the muscular man, Hyungwon couldn't help the desire to dye his hair again, preferably something crazy.

 

***

 

The ceiling was white and empty, but it didn't matter, because so was his mind. He had asked to be alone after coming back to the hotel, but his thoughts simply turned off instead of attempting to find a solution. The whisky made him a little dizzy, but it also spread warmth inside his body, somehow comparable to how Hyungwon was able to make him feel.

_But he's not here. He has enough bullshit going on with you. Keep your shit to yourself._

Reaching down, Hoseok curled his fingers around his mobile phone and unlocked it, staring at the screen aimlessly.

A few moments passed before he scrolled through his contacts and finally found the number he was searching for. It was midnight, but he hoped that it was okay.

“Mhm, who is it?” a gentle female voice answered after a few beeping sounds.

“It's me, Hoseok. You- you said I could always call, even at midnight and it's midnight, so I thought maybe it's okay?” His voice was quiet, but it was late and he didn't intend on waking anybody up. Especially Hyungwon.

“Hey! What happened? Usually Kihyun just gets your prescription renewed and that's it, or did you change your mind?.” There was silence and some shuffling on the other end of the line. “Tell me, I'll listen.”

Inhaling deeply and preparing himself a bit, Hoseok sighed into the phone and cleared his throat before speaking.

“I want it to disappear, I don't want to live with it anymore, I hate it and it makes me so fucking unhappy. I have this feeling that I could be happy with my situation right now, be in love and close to another person, but I can't and the only reason is that it's still there no matter what I do or think. I want to work on it with you, if you are still willing to deal with me that is.” He felt nervous, it was the first time speaking to Lauren since ditching the therapy after a hard-core dissociation.

“I told you, I'm always ready when you're ready. Did you get close to someone?” the woman asked and he heard how she took the phone from one hand into the other before pressing it against her ear again.

“Yes. I've met summer child,” he murmured, remembering how he wasted two therapy sessions talking about the two days he was with Hyungwon in France.

There was silence on the other end of the line that perfectly fit into the silence surrounding him in his empty hotel room.

“What? Are you serious? This boy you told me about? He's real?” Lauren sounded as if he had told her about something utterly ridiculous. “I- I thought it was something that your mind created to deal with the trauma. You really met him? And what happened?”

_Something you made up?_

Suddenly he hesitated, thinking about how high the chances were that he just imagined everything.

_Kihyun just fought with him. It can't be made up._

“He's real. We didn't know at first but when we got closer, we realized that we'd met before because we had the same story. I- I'm in love with this person and I'm so fucking terrified to fuck this up, Lauren. It triggers me and I've fainted once because he talked about sex and I also panicked, but the last time I thought it was arousal, so I didn't. I want this to work, I really want to be free from this heavy weight that keeps pressing me down. It's hard, I can't do it because in the end it's the only thing I'm doing while breathing and trying to force myself to stop thinking. It's a mess, I don't want this, please help me.”

There was a soft hum as Lauren listened to him intently and cleared her throat before answering.

“I want you to be free too. I know that you can do it. The way your mind works is a great help, usually it's much harder to change how one thinks, but you seem to be improving by yourself already! Let's do it, Hoseok, but you have to commit. You can't just come once and then ditch it because you don't want to talk about it. You need to talk about it, it's just a memory, it hurts and it's horrendous, but it's still just a memory that is a very tiny part of your life that gets unnecessarily blown up by your brain. Tell us everything about it, me, Kihyun, the summer child. It might be hard to talk about at first, but there is nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault but something that happened to you, a part of you that needs to be processed. It needs to enter your consciousness for you to be able to deal with it. You can do this, Hoseok. When are you coming?” His therapist finished her monologue and waited for his answer. It was a lot, big chunks of information on how to deal with his issue and how to make it disappear.

_You need to talk about it to process it?_

“I'm on tour right now and I have six more shows, I'm coming back in one and a half weeks. After that. I told Kihyun too, so I'll really do it. Is there something I should do in between?” Hoseok turned and lay on his stomach, pressing the mobile phone to his ear. He was excited somehow, ready to change something and positive about the outcome.

“There is, but you should be very careful with it. I actually wanted you to reduce the dosage of Paroxetine because there's an exposure therapy for PTSD that I want to try with you. It involves beta-blockers, but you can't take them along with your meds. You can't stop taking them though, okay? Just take half of the pill every day until we meet and call me immediately if your mood changes or if you feel weird. You can do it, Hoseok. I'll call you in a few days and now stop drinking and go to sleep.” The woman on the other end of the line chuckled lowly and hung up after he said his goodbye.

_You can do it. But not alone._

Inhaling deeply, he jumped from the bed and ruffled up his hair a little, as he forgot to brush it after showering. He took his keycard and phone and left his room. It was only a step or maybe two before he focused his gaze on the dark brown wooden door that looked identical to his own, just that there was a different number. 516. Closing his eyes for a few seconds, he knocked.

He heard the muffled sound of a bed creaking, followed by soft steps on the wooden floor, all the way to the door. Even now, years later, Hyungwon was capable of moving like a summer spirit, quiet and as soft as his breaths.

There was the metallic turning of the lock before the door opened revealing Hyungwon, most of his body hidden by the door and his left arm covering his chest, as if he hoped it would be enough decency for a nightly visitor. The almost white hair was tousled and covered his forehead in messy strands, concealing his big eyes and emphasizing his plump, slightly swollen lips.

“You cannot imagine how glad I am to see you,” the low voice whispered.

“Can I come in?” he asked, unable to tear away his gaze from Hyungwon's face, he looked so soft, as if somebody had drawn him with pastel chalk.

“Of course!” the other man exclaimed and gestured with his hand before opening the door further and allowing Hoseok inside. He was only wearing a pair of tight black briefs, long hairless legs on display. Only the sand was missing, sticking to the bulky knees.

“No wonder she thought I made it up,” he whispered and entered the room, not sure where to sit. Was it okay to just sit on the bed, even though Hyungwon was probably sleeping and he was wearing clothes? Looking around, he sat down on one of the chairs across from the bed and crossed his arms, rubbing over his naked forearms out of nervousness.

“What kept you from sleeping?” Hyungwon asked and smiled. “Also, who is ‘she’? A reason to be jealous?” The blonde man revealed his straight teeth as he moved closer and sat down on the armrest of the chair, warmth of his skin penetrating through Hoseok’s clothes easily.

“Ah, Lauren. She's my therapist. Or a friend. I guess also a friend because I mostly ditched therapy. My mom's friend too. She's nice, that's why she has many friends.” He had no idea why he was so embarrassing. “Tell me about your ex-boyfriend, or your ex-crush, or both. I want to know.” He turned to Hyungwon and looked up, unable to ignore the naked, golden skin that was so close that he only needed to lean in a little to be able to touch it.

“W-what? Listen, what kind of topic switch is this? I asked if your therapist is a reason for jealousy and you inquire about my ex-lovers. Although I doubt one can call Jooheon an ex-lover.” The blonde man pursed his lips and shrugged until his eyes widened suddenly. He must have realized that as somebody who was among celebrities for several years the name Jooheon was not unheard of. “He's my ex-crush.”

_Oh, for fuck’s sake._

“Him?” he yelled and squeezed his face with both hands until his features turned into skin porridge. “How did that happen? Holy shit.”

Hyungwon looked a little embarrassed as he mercilessly chewed on his bottom lip and stared at the rather ugly carpet that the gigantic king size bed was standing on.

“I was in charge of his concerts in London and we found common ground regarding a few video games that I enjoy and his fascination with fashion. I'd say we were friends, well- until I confessed that is.” Hyungwon chuckled bitterly and brushed through his blonde strands, fingers keeping his forehead visible for a little longer than usual. The arrangement of his eyebrows showed that he must have been uncomfortable with the thought. “I somehow doubt he was really aware of what it meant when he told me he's religious and my preferences weren't okay.”

“What preferences? He doesn't like me because I was- I was close to someone he ‘liked’ but he likes many women, regularly, so I told him to fuck off. That's my story. In addition, he tries to fool you with his cute face and his dimples, but he's a nasty one. You're safe now, good that it didn't work out.” Releasing his face, he reached for Hyungwon's wrist and curled his fingers around it easily.

“You- you fought with Jooheon over a girl?” The other man seemed baffled by that information, but relaxed the muscles in his arm, easily following Hoseok’s grip. “He gets upset very easily but usually it's not for long. I don't know if I would call him nasty. He merely seems naive and immature to me, unaware of what his words can mean or his presence after hurting somebody.” There was silence as Hyungwon swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing and signifying that he was swallowing thoughts along with it. “I wrote a poem when I decided to free my heart.”

“How can you decide to free your heart? Also, now that you defend him, I like him even less,” Hoseok commented and looked to the ceiling. “What about relationships? What did your relationships look like?”

Hyungwon smiled and suddenly placed a kiss on his cheek, warmth lingering a little longer than the soft lips did.

“You are sweet, Hoseok, as sweet as honey wine.” There was a brief moment of silence until the blonde man answered his questions. “I freed my heart when I realized that I was not in love with him, but with the feeling of being in love. I yearned for the desperation and the quickening of my heartbeat at the mere sight of him, but not him as a person. That's when I knew my feelings were gone and futile. Concerning relationships, I don't think there is anything I can say that summarizes them all. Well, apart from the fact that they were all men.” Hyungwon laughed loudly and grinned at him, showing his white teeth again.

“This- is not a lot of information,” he muttered, disappointed after hoping to get proper info on how Hyungwon viewed relationships and to learn something to be able to act accordingly. “I thought you would tell me about- what kind of stuff you did, and what you liked the most about - uhm - ‘all of them’.”

_What if it's many people? Then you definitely can't compare. There has to be someone better._

“What kind of stuff I did? Well, you have to keep in mind that I am on my own right now and in love with you, which should tell you pretty clearly that there must have been something off before. Usually it is my rather incomprehensible obsession with poems and- well- you. Most of my lovers weren't too pleased to find out that I have a whole room filled with another man that I am ridiculously attracted to.” Hyungwon smiled and smacked his lips. “You are the only one I ever read poetry to, my own I mean, so that wasn't something I was able to enjoy about those relationships. Usually it was having someone to listen, to join in on my crazy ideas, to follow when I suddenly started talking about a random cave in the woods and how much I wanted to go there. There was also physical enjoyment, but I can spare you the details if you wish.”

“You can tell me and if I start panicking then- just- do what you did last time. I really want to know what kind of person you are, so I can love you more. I still have your image in my head, the one from ten years ago. I would love to create a new one, a more accurate one.” He smiled brightly and stood up, pulling at Hyungwon's wrist to follow him as he threw himself on top of the bed, ditching his personal concerns. There was no hesitation as a warm body followed to lay on top of his, a slim, naked leg slipping in between his own.

“Your smile is brighter than the sun. You always called me summer child, but to me it felt like you were the sun and I danced around it. When cold attached to your limbs and made you appear like winter, I only needed to shed the layers, to melt them to return the light.” Smiling widely, the beautiful, blonde man lifted his head and let their noses brush. “I would apologize for being cheesy, but I fear that I feel no shame right now.”

“Why would you be ashamed? I can't imagine that there could be a reason for you to feel shame. You are perfect, so perfect I'm still not sure whether I made you up in my head. I must be a genius. Lauren said that she thought I imagined you to create positivity. I mean our meeting ten years ago.” Still smiling, he reached for Hyungwon's face and brushed over the curve of his lips with his thumb.

“Really? Imagined me? You should have tried harder then, made me ridiculously pretty, or a woman maybe. Fifteen-year-old me was anything but a treat for the eyes,” was the amused reply and Hyungwon opened his mouth a little and enjoyed the touch, eyes fluttering shut briefly. “I fear that I have not changed too much. Maybe I am more mature and aware of things not always going my way, but I am still hopelessly in love with the ocean, sand and the sunset. I miss it so much that I escape London every night to find another hidden gem in the countryside. The clearing in the forest and the cave cafe are only a few of my discoveries. It is, apart from my hopeless heart that easily attaches and falls in love, my main source of inspiration.”

“I love that about you. I love it so much because it stayed. I know that I said that I want a new picture, but the fact that you've kept your signature traits makes me ridiculously happy. But your heart- does it mean that you can just attach to someone else? I know that you don't belong to me, but I'm scared because I already miss you so much even when you're just in the next room, what am I supposed to do when you attach to someone else? Tell me a coping strategy before breaking my heart. Please.” Hoseok let both hands settle on Hyungwon's lower back, stroking over his spine and along his sides.

“I meant that my heart cannot be on its own. It seems to detest my company and prefers to rest in the calm grip of somebody else. It has been yours for a while now and it was yours ten years ago. I cannot swear that I have never loved anybody but you over the past ten years, but a part of me has always been yours, whether I gave it to you consciously or not. Now-” Hyungwon leaned in and kissed his lips, touch hot and sending a tingling sensation, like fingers that brushed over his skin, downwards along his body, “now it is fully yours.”

“Mine is yours too. I just need to destroy the wall and it's scary because I don't know what's behind it,” he whispered and kissed back, one hand raking through the other man's blonde hair carefully.

“It's like back then, Hoseok, in the ocean. Whatever is behind that wall is like the biting cold that fought its way past your soaked jeans, attempting to steal your senses. I want to be just like back then, the heat that surrounds you and eases you through it, like summer. I want the wall to crumble and wash over you like summer rain.” Hyungwon sounded breathy while his lips explored as he talked, brushing over his lips and jaw, along his neck and the hollows of his collarbones. “Let me help you.”

“You don't need to help me, I want you next to me, like this,” he whispered and continued exploring Hyungwon's naked skin, stroking over the curve of his firm butt and drawing circles on the fabric.

“With your hand on my arse? Smooth,” the blonde man replied and laughed loudly, puffy cheeks lifting up and making his face seem cute somehow. Hyungwon had the ability to transition from arousing to adorable in a matter of seconds, leaving no time to prepare. “But I agree. I'm happiest when I'm in your arms and can listen to your beautiful voice.”

“I must smell like whisky, but I’m not really drunk, I swear,” he murmured and immediately removed his hand from Hyungwon’s warm butt cheek, regretting it right after.

“Hey!” Hyungwon exclaimed in outrage and grabbed his palm only to put it right back on top of his behind. “I didn't say that you should remove it. I really like it, even if I make fun of it. Have you never heard of jokes to break the tension? _Plaisanterie érotique?”_ A loud exhale resembled relief as the blonde man snuggled further into his muscular body, squeezing his leg all the way in between Hoseok’s legs and folding his arms under his slim chest. He was like a turtle, only without a shell. “I'm glad you're not drunk though, means you'll definitely remember being with me tonight.”

“The alcohol is not what makes me forget things. It’s my brain. I don’t need alcohol to lose memories.” His hand brushed over the attractive curve again, enjoying the transition between soft fabric and hot skin. “Aren’t you cold? Almost naked and without a blanket?”

“You're my blanket,” Hyungwon replied before turning to the side and taking Hoseok along with him, bright brown eyes meeting his own. The blonde man grinned, lifting his thigh a little to brush over Hoseok’s crotch. “Best blanket ever, hot and muscular.”

It was silent for a few moments apart from the soft breaths that tickled his face. Hyungwon wrapped his long arms around his neck and pressed him close, thick lips caressing his own.

“It sounds so terrifying to just forget something, no matter whether you want to or not.”

“Sometimes forgetting is way better and less hurtful than remembering something, so one can live on even though they feel like dying. I think it’s nice to be able to remove myself from the world and my experiences like this.” He reached for Hyungwon’s beautiful face and swallowed, remembering Lauren’s words. “But in the end, it seems as if forgetting is not that helpful after all, look at me, I’ve been trying so hard for fourteen years, but it doesn’t help.”

“I- I read that it's because you try to forget so strongly that everything that even remotely reminds you of it gets pushed away. I guess it's easier if you- I dunno- ate really bad cheese sauce that one time and run away whenever you smell it. That stuff is really disgusting by the way.” Hyungwon's facial expression switched from worry to judgemental disgust and he rubbed their noses together, back and forth. It felt a little funny. “What- what is it that you are running away from, Hoseok?”

_What are you running away from?_

Probably pain, memories and what they meant, the realization of what had happened, more anxiety and the farfetched possibility that the change in his personality and life would be detrimental, impossible to turn back. Sighing, he grabbed Hyungwon's pretty face with both palms and kissed his plump lips.

“That it might get worse when I remember. When I start talking about it. What if it's even worse than I thought? What if there is more under the surface that will knock me down completely? What if I realize that I'm no good, helpless, useless? It's scary.”

“No matter what happened or what you are trying to forget, none of it could deem you useless,” Hyungwon replied, gaze and voice firm as if he meant every word. “None of it can be your fault, whatever happened and especially if you were a child. I think bringing it to the surface might help you to understand it and what it does to you. It will give you more control over yourself and more awareness.”

“It might, but awareness of what? That's what I'm scared of. Maybe it's something I don't want to know,” he whispered and closed his eyes, concentrating on how the other man's skin warmed his palms as he kept holding his pretty face.

“You- you don't know what you are running away from?” The man seemed surprised as he stared at him. “So- there are memories but you can't quite place them yet?”

“Kind of. Something happened but I forcefully forgot about it. I do know- what happened, but most of the memories are not clear and visual, they are triggered by smell or things that remind me of it or that I associated with it, so it's a huge emotional mess. I remember that we had to move houses because the door to my parents’ room looked like the door at this person's house and I would get panic attacks and avoid being home. That didn't work out because one can't just take the bike and ride somewhere far away when one is fourteen.” Thinking about it, he remembered how hard it had been on his parents because it was expensive to change houses and they didn't make much money back then.

“Do- do your parents know what happened?” Hyungwon asked carefully and licked over his lips, eyes jumping from one feature of his face to another. His expression seemed unreadable somehow, lips pressed together. “I think I remember your mother. She told me to wear shoes.”

Hoseok hummed, going back in time and remembering how his mother liked talking about Hyungwon, even a few times after they had come back from their holiday and even though Hoseok had asked her to stop.

“I don't know. They might, but then again, I can't remember telling them. The most frustrating thing about it is that even if I act as if it didn't happen, my brain still knows and tortures me. It's been years now, it's so tiring, and why can't I just forget about it and live as if it never happened?” He sighed before removing his hands from Hyungwon's face and letting one of them rest on top of the other man's side. It was so warm.

“How old were you? When it happened, I mean,” the blonde man asked and chewed on his cheek. His gaze didn't leave Hoseok’s face, almost like he wanted to make sure that he was okay and didn't dare look away. “Maybe your head is still trying to understand what happened, but you got so terrified by it that you don't dare think about it.”

“Thirteen,” he murmured without thinking, it was impressive how he immediately saw his childish face in the mirror, his black locks falling into his eyes a little as he practiced a smile a few days after it happened and his parents worried because he didn't come out of his room.

“Oh god,” Hyungwon hissed and blinked a few times. The thought must have been terrible for him too. The beautifully golden skin turned pale suddenly, almost white. The grip around his neck tightened and the blonde man placed a kiss to his lips before asking again. “Was it- was it once?”

“I think twice, or maybe three times. I was at the hospital for three months, but I can't remember why. Anyway- to be honest it-” he stopped to inhale once again because it got difficult. “It was really bad timing, because I had a crush on someone. It was a friend from school, but- the whole thing it, I don't even know, it was as if it destroyed all my beliefs including the ones about myself from the inside until there was nothing left besides pain and anxiety.”

Hyungwon nodded and hummed softly, complexion still rather pale. “Was it a boy or a girl?”

“It was Kihyun. I know it's weird, but- yeah. Anyway, the whole thing blew up in my face and after that, I never really allowed myself to think about anything remotely romantic or sexual with men, until I met you back then. That's why it was three times more painful after you left.” Hoseok held his breath for a few seconds before releasing it and inhaling once again. Talking about it was hard and made his lungs clench.

“You mean you couldn't really fall in love after that because you didn't feel worthy and after meeting me and losing me right after it only got worse?” Hyungwon's eyes widened and he suddenly removed his leg from in between Hoseok’s and wrapped it around his body instead, blunt nails scratching over his back. “Oh god, I'm so sorry, Hoseok. I always thought I was the one suffering in the hospital all by myself, without being able to say goodbye to you, but it was so much worse for you. I'm so sorry, I won't leave, I promise. Even if this whole love thing doesn’t work out, I'll still stay, as a friend if you want me to.”

“Don't treat me as a charity case, please, it only makes it worse, my head immediately translates it into: he doesn’t because you're really fucked in the head and unworthy.” Biting down on his bottom lip, he closed his eyes again to minimize sensations. “It was bad because I associated negatively to being close to a man. It felt wrong and painful, just like it sometimes does when I'm with you. Because I have thoughts, but my mind immediately tells me that I shouldn't be thinking them because it's wrong and bad.”

“It's so difficult for me to imagine because whenever I think of being close to another man there is only arousal and excitement. Oh god- not every man of course. I hope I am able to make you feel the same at least a little with my actions. I'd never do with you what I ask you to do with me... my preferences are only one way. I don't- well- I don't fuck people. I prefer to be fucked.” The other man's pink tongue slipped past his thick lips and coated them in saliva with a quick motion. “I don't see a problem with pity, Hoseok, only when it is directed at yourself. Pity is a form of compassion, empathy even and I think it is perfectly all right to accept it and to not devalue yourself as a person. But- I can't help being curious. Have you ever loved a woman, Hoseok? Are you even attracted to women?”

_Have you ever loved a woman? Not that you can remember._

“I- don't know,” he whispered back and hid his face by turning it to the ceiling. “But I feel safe around women. They don't trigger anything, besides this one time- but usually they don't. I don't know if I'm attracted, they're okay, I guess.”

“This one time?” Hyungwon asked and lifted an eyebrow.

_Just say it._

Swallowing once, he pulled at the skin of his fingers to hide his response.

“Yeah, there was this one time when a girl I was dating suggested having anal sex. I broke up with her and she was very sad about it, anyways, it was quite some time ago. What about your relationships? Was there any time when you broke up because of something you couldn't handle?” Hoseok asked, trying hard to change the topic because his heart was beating way too fast and there was no arousal in sight.

“Ehm- well- there was this one time I dated a guy who worked in my dad's business and felt a little entitled because of that. When he got angry it was pretty fucked up and this one time, he just grabbed my Rilke poems collection and set it on fire with a lighter. I- we broke up after that. That's why I always ask people whether they have his poems at home.” The blonde man chuckled nervously and made his lips disappear. It emphasized the round form of Hyungwon's face, boyish like he hadn't gotten a day older.

“He what? What the fuck? God, people are so fucking scary,” he murmured and asked himself why someone would burn another person's belongings. “I still can't believe that you liked Jooheon.”

“I still can't believe you stole a woman from him. Actually-” Hyungwon paused and stared at his face with lifted eyebrows for a moment, “I can. You're fucking hot, damn. When you said you broke up with a girlfriend because of something that triggered you my first thought was a strap-on. Are you scared of doing it yourself, even if it feels really good for the other person?”

“It-” He felt his heartbeat begin to hammer against his ribs and his breaths got ragged the more he thought about it. Rolling to the side, he grabbed Hyungwon's face and kissed him roughly, licking into his mouth like a hungry animal. He needed arousal, something that made the reaction normal.

Hyungwon tried to say something, his words muffled, until he gave up and kissed back, whimpering softly. The transition was quick as Hoseok felt a warm leg curl around his body and blunt nails scratch along the expanse of his shoulder blade. The blonde man sucked his bottom lip into his warm mouth and nibbled on it, playing with him as the kiss deepened even further.

“I thought about it, to be honest I can't help the images because you don't leave me any choice with how fucking attractive you are, and how responsive you seem, but I can't separate myself, at least it seems like it, I keep thinking that I would hurt you even if it makes no sense,” Hoseok muttered and rolled on top of the gorgeous, almost naked man. He was so hot that he didn't need to concentrate to realize that he was extremely aroused.

_It works._

“You wouldn't hurt me, not with what I have in mind,” Hyungwon gasped and rolled his hips upwards, meeting his. A gorgeous moan sounded through the air at the motion, only increasing the temperature around them. “You could also… just let me do all the work and see what it does to me. But fuck- you always get me hard before I manage to turn my brain on, my endurance will always be shit with you, god damn it.”

“I want to try what you did with your fingers. Will you let me?” He hissed, feeling how his cheeks gained color as the heat spread all over his face and he lowered his body and rolled his hips once, brushing over Hyungwon's groin.

_You can make it positive; you can make him feel good with this._

_Nothing will happen, Hoseok._

_Nothing bad will happen._


	14. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You feel like summer never ended and I want to feel more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 27th of March at 2 PM CET.
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Hyungwon had always loved the realms of poetry, the knowledge and emotion that could be shown but also hidden with cunning words. It had always seemed as if everything was possible as long as he invested enough time to find the right words.

_But it's different now, you can't, not with this._

Hoseok’s face and behavior seemed so innocent, so childlike as he spoke of love and his struggles, but there was something that stood behind all of these words that forced bile to move up Hyungwon's throat. It was disgusting, purely disgusting that another person could have hurt a thirteen-year-old child like that, torturing them all the way into adulthood.

He wanted to wrap his arms around the other man and never let go, to make all the bitterness and fear disappear somehow, but he knew that he couldn't, not all on his own. Helpless, he merely asked questions, digging deeper and trying to understand what lay behind all the words that the silver-haired man uttered. Hyungwon asked and asked, more and more until the bile that collected right at his throat didn't allow him to continue.

When the discomfort got to be too much, Hoseok broke it by pushing Hyungwon to the side and devouring him like a dessert, like he wished to disappear within the kiss that they shared. It was welcome, the attempt to escape and the kisses and touches that followed. Arousal burned between his legs in a matter of seconds, faster than he was able to wrap his head around and take measures to increase his endurance. Hoseok was ingenious at doing that, getting him hard before he could put on a cock ring.

“I want to try what you did with your fingers. Will you let me?” the other man's low voice asked suddenly, accompanied by the gorgeous blush on his cheeks and a delicious thrust of his hips, blessing Hyungwon with a spark of friction that quickly transformed into pleasure.

His brain was working fast, head immediately conjuring images of Hoseok fingering him into oblivion and only increasing his arousal. However, it was midnight and he had been half asleep, definitely not ready for butt play.

“Of course- of course you can,” he gasped and moaned again when Hoseok repeated the motion from before. The other man must have wanted to drive himself mad to defeat his fear. Hyungwon couldn't help but be a little disappointed in how unprepared he was despite the effort of the gorgeous muscular man on top of him. “But you'll have to give me a few moments to get ready, you can think of me and stroke your beautiful erection in the meantime. Okay? Get naked and be all gorgeous and muscular.”

“Oh- okay,” Hoseok murmured, looking a little lost, but climbing off him and observing him intently.

Hyungwon thought about elaborating on why exactly he had to leave, but another glance at Hoseok told him that too much detail was probably a bad idea.

“It's to make it better,” he said eventually and scrambled off the bed before disappearing in the bathroom. Something told him to hurry the fuck up just in case Hoseok panicked because he lacked distraction.

Hyungwon instantly peeled his underwear off his long legs and jumped into the spacious shower. It wasn't as big as the one at home, but he wasn't really interested in comfort right now. A glance at the available shower products made him groan and slip right back out. He needed approximately two seconds to find his favorite shower gel that didn't burn like a bitch and had the advantage of smelling fucking fabulous. Grinning, he jumped back into the shower and turned on the water. He didn't have everything he needed to be as clean as he might have wanted to be, but finger depth should have been enough, especially his own finger depth.

Once he was satisfied, he turned off the water and dried his hair with a towel. He also looked good in wet and he genuinely hoped that Hoseok agreed.

Smiling a little, he opened the bathroom door and met his thick blanket, only revealing a pair of black, round eyes watching him intently from under it, and sea-like hair that spread over his pillow.

_You probably guessed right._

“Are you hiding under the blanket, Hoseok?” he asked with a bright smile and brushed through his wet hair, keeping it off his forehead. He looked sexier without hair clouding his eyes. “What happened to stroking that beautiful erection of yours until I come back?”

To be honest, Hyungwon was glad that Hoseok hadn't left the room the minute he went into the bathroom, but stayed, even lying in his bed. The question was whether he was naked or not.

“I thought that the blanket was a good hideout,” Hoseok murmured, voice a little rough and breaths ragged. “You look amazing,” he added, still muffled by the blanket.

Hyungwon smiled in response. The other man was so adorable, childish even with his idea that hiding under a blanket was a good hideout. It was almost like six-year-old Hyungwon, building a fortress of blankets and defeating everybody who entered with the power of riddles.

“Then maybe you should show me yourself in return,” he whispered and slowly reached out for the edge of the bed, hands holding on and crawling forward as his knees followed. Grinning a little he purred for effect, stroking over Hoseok’s uncovered leg under the blanket.

“I'm naked,” Hoseok whispered, as if it was some deep dark secret that nobody was allowed to know about.

“So am I,” Hyungwon replied and wiggled his hips as if to prove a point. He was about half hard, but if Hoseok kept teasing and fueling his imagination it was only a matter of time. His fingers travelled further along Hoseok’s body without lifting the blanket. He kept the smile on his face as he turned his index and middle finger into two legs that walked over Hoseok’s thigh, all the way to the hip bone until he was right next to the prize. Wrapping his hand around the thick length, he licked over his lips. “Got you.”

He heard how Hoseok's breath hitched and the black eyes focused on him for a second before the blanket flew to the side and he was surrounded by the other man's muscular arms that pulled him against Hoseok's pale skin.

He moaned and didn't hesitate to cover those delicious curved lips with his own, kissing the other man intently as he brushed their groins together, evoking breathy moans. Hyungwon's hand tightened around Hoseok’s rather firm erection and gave it a few experimental strokes. He couldn't help the slight disappointment at not having the big, veiny beauty inside of him, but he was happy enough to be able to kiss and touch the man he had dreamed about for years.

“You feel like fire against my skin,” he muttered and rolled his hips again, impatient to feel more.

“You feel like summer never ended and I want to feel more,” the low voice whispered next to his ear before he felt teeth sinking into his shoulder while Hoseok pressed him closer and created friction along their groins.

Hyungwon whimpered helplessly and threw his head back. Pleasure from soft bites of his skin was a weakness he couldn't hide, instantly reacting and moaning at each motion. His breath had already picked up and his grip around Hoseok’s dick loosened from the sudden onslaught of pleasure that took over him.

“Fuck, I love it,” he cursed and leaned in to give Hoseok more access to his shoulder and neck, displaying it for him to mark and play with. “Mark me.”

“You make me lose my mind, this is really wild. If I had the ability to think it would be scary.” There were hands that squeezed and stroked over his naked skin, played with his nipples and sunk into his firm butt cheeks, as the sensation of teeth continued on his neck and chest.

“Shit, shit, shit,” Hyungwon muttered and barely resisted the urge to just roll to the side and let Hoseok spoil him with kisses and bites. “I want you so much, fuck my life. Since when are you so active? My endurance is already strained. You might have to chain me to keep me from wiggling all the time. Fuck.”

“I can't be passive because I start thinking and get terrified, so I have to do something all the time. When I touch you there’s no fear and I'm going crazy at the same time. You want to be chained to the bed? I don't have anything to do that, you'll have to keep wiggling.” Smiling, Hoseok rolled to the side, until he hovered over him, pale skin covering the gorgeous muscles of his arms and chest as he leaned down and pressed him into the mattress.

“Fuck yes,” Hyungwon gasped with wide eyes and pulled his hands from in between them and arranged them above his head, impatient to feel more. “I have ties and handcuffs, but I rarely use the cuffs cause they’re a pain in the ass to open on my own. In addition- fuck, your body weight is no joke compared to me, I love it. Don't make me delirious, I'll beg.”

Licking over his curved, red lips, Hoseok watched him for a few seconds before curling his fingers around both of his wrists and pressing down.

“Is this okay?” the sea-haired man asked before attaching his mouth to one of his nipples and nibbling on the erect bud.

It was almost embarrassing how Hyungwon didn't need to reply with the low moan that escaped his lips and the way his dick twitched against Hoseok’s abdomen. He loved being restrained and hiding it was impossible. Damn, he didn't even want to. He wanted Hoseok to hold him in place and mark him until he begged. His dick twitched again at the thought.

“Your reactions are just- impossible to ignore, I love it so much, I want to give you everything.” Hoseok kept his strong grip while letting his tongue play with his other nipple. The other man's lower body sunk on top of him and he could feel the circling motions that increased in intensity with each passing second, creating friction and letting him feel the thick erection, veiny and pulsating against his hip.

“Shit, please,” he begged as his vision blurred a little and he tried to figure out what he needed and how to get it. “Let me suck on your fingers, please.” He opened his mouth and wet his lips, eyes meeting a mass of black.

Hoseok exhaled sharply, twitching against his hip and reaching for his mouth. He propped up on his other elbow while holding him in an iron grip.

It was so fucking hot that he barely contained another moan. As soon as he was even remotely able to reach Hoseok index finger, he licked over the tip, circling it briefly before sucking the digit into his mouth eagerly. After coating it sufficiently, he closed his lips around the middle finger as well. He wanted to feel a lot, as much as possible.

Still feeling Hoseok’s thick erection against his body, he moaned around the fingers in his mouth. His hands pulled against the strong grip around his wrists for the kick, to feel how impossible it was to resist. Hyungwon loved every second of it, abdomen burning with arousal and making him whimper.

“Fuck,” Hoseok hissed and moaned right after, immediately attaching his swollen lips to his nipple, licking and teasing it with soft bites. “I want you so much, oh god.”

His vision blurred and he let go of the fingers inside his mouth, licking over them one last time before his eyes focused on the other man's face. He wanted him so much, it was insane, freaky even.

“Do you want to make me scream, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked when the white spots that littered his vision from the pleasure around his nipple finally reduced. His whole body was shaking even though Hoseok hadn't even touched his dick yet, only played with his nipples and marked his skin. His erection was throbbing painfully.

“I do, I want you to feel all of it,” the other man murmured as he let go of his wrists and crawled down, licking the pre cum from his tip without warning.

“Fuck- you can't just-” Hyungwon began only to moan loudly and grab Hoseok’s hair, pushing the other man down. There wasn't anything important to say, really. Hoseok could have done whatever the fuck he wanted and Hyungwon would have thanked him. “I want your fingers, please. I want them so much. If you suck me off I won't last a single second.”

“You have to tell me how,” Hoseok murmured before licking over his tip again, completely ignoring his words.

“Just- put them in and I'll tell you the angle that feels good,” he babbled, moaning in between and trembling repeatedly. It seemed so fucking unreal, how eager Hoseok was, how his body burned up and the beautiful red marks along his chest. He wanted to keep it all, fuck.

It seemed as if the beautiful, muscular man didn't hear what he said, as he kept digging his tongue into his slit, but there was a movement and he felt a digit against his entrance that hesitantly drew circles around it. It felt so fucking good.

Hyungwon whimpered again and couldn't help the twitches of his dick, a little scared that he was just going to orgasm into Hoseok’s mouth as soon as he brushed over his prostate. Holy fuck.

“Slow- slow down and enter me,” he muttered, eyes closed and head thrown back. He felt like dried grass that a single burning match had fallen on, settling it ablaze in seconds.

Finally, Hoseok lifted his head and looked at him. His eyes were dark and his gaze seemed hesitant as he glanced down and pushed his middle finger inside him.

Hyungwon moaned at the friction alone, body tensing for a few seconds before relaxing again to allow the silver-haired man to push deeper if he liked. His mouth was open and ragged breaths escaped as he focused on the sensation. He had to keep his wits to tell Hoseok what to do, but he just wanted to melt at the pleasure that clouded his mind, the present one and the one he knew was about to hit him like a train wreck.

“I love it,” he gasped and licked over his dry lips, whimpering again. “You- you just have to push a little upwards, the spot-” he whimpered again, “the spot that feels good is like- like a little ball, not completely succumbing to pressure.” He felt way too delirious for explanations and just wanted to fuck himself on the digit inside him, slip his hips a tiny bit higher to change the angle. It would have been heaven, fucking perfect.

He watched as Hoseok swallowed and pushed his finger deeper, curling it upwards while examining his face intently.

It was good but not quite there and Hyungwon really hoped that Hoseok wouldn't panic. Gasping at the sensation, he reached out and wrapped his fingers around Hoseok’s wrist, changing the way the other man's middle finger entered his body.

“Curl it now,” he whispered and prepared himself for an onslaught of pleasure, thighs quivering in anticipation.

Hoseok looked pale. His lips were parted and dry, but he still complied, curling his finger upwards. The other man's hand must've been shaking with how he rubbed on the sensitive spot as soon as he touched it.

_He must be sca-_

Hyungwon's vision turned white for a few milliseconds, sensitivity reminding him what it actually meant to be delirious with pleasure as he screamed and threw his head back, helplessly pulling at Hoseok’s wrist to feel more.

“Again,” he gasped and threw his head from side to side. “Please, Hoseok, please do it again. It feels so good.”

The begging must've helped as he felt the same spark of pleasure again while Hoseok moved his finger inside him.

“Shit,” he cursed as his vision blurred over again and he couldn't control the way he pushed his hips against Hoseok’s hand. “Give it to me, shit, Hoseok, more.” His voice echoed off the walls but he couldn't care less with how fucking amazing it felt. He wanted more but his lips couldn't form the words necessary to tell the silver-haired man what it meant to have more.

He heard Hoseok gasp as the other man probably thought that he wanted him to pick up the pace, moving his digit faster and rubbing over the spot repeatedly.

Hyungwon could barely breathe as he felt his orgasm approach quickly, pulling at his insides and burning in the pit of his stomach. His hand tightened around Hoseok’s wrist in an attempt to slow him down while moaning uncontrollably.

“W-wait- I don't want to come yet. I- fuck- I want another, another finger, give it to me.”

The motions stopped altogether and he heard harsh breaths as the finger left his body. A few seconds passed as Hoseok spit on his fingers, judging by the sounds, and pushed them inside him, curling them and obviously searching for the spot until he finally found it.

Hyungwon screamed, accidentally scratching over Hoseok’s thigh that was close by. It must have hurt, but his ears were filled with his moans, as he couldn't control his body, which was trembling repeatedly and begging for orgasm as much as his lips did. The sensitivity and the fact that it was Hoseok, playing with him and fingering him into oblivion, drove him mad.

“Fuck, Hoseok, I want you so much, so so so much, please,” he begged and screamed again, only to repeat the words like an endless prayer.

“I want you too,” the low voice whispered and it seemed strained. Hoseok stroked over his thigh while his fingers moved inside him, pressing and vibrating against the source of his pleasure.

He didn't even have the strength to wrap his fingers around the base of his erection to delay orgasm as it washed over him like a damn tsunami and he released himself over his stomach, a scream of Hoseok’s name on his lips and burning bliss in his groin. It was mental, absolutely mental with how unaware and gone he was, but Hyungwon always lost his senses when aroused.

_The fact that it's Hoseok only makes it better._

“Shit,” he cursed and contracted around Hoseok’s fingers involuntarily, barely resisting the urge to simply fuck himself on them after a few moments of peace.

Hoseok removed his hand and reached for tissues, wiping his stomach clean.

“I feel like I have ascended to heaven,” Hyungwon muttered and reached for Hoseok’s dick, suddenly realizing that it was only half-hard in his hand.

_You must have terrified him._

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek, uncomfortable with the thought and gave the other man's dick a few strokes, hoping to make Hoseok feel so fucking good that he saw stars.

_It's not you, Hyungwon. He said it before. He loves your body, it must be his thoughts._

“It felt fucking amazing, so good I saw stars,” he commented and hoped that the truth would help take Hoseok’s fear. It had been amazing and the way he reacted must have been proof of that.

“But- it didn't work out at first, I'm sorry. Maybe you should've done it yourself.” Hoseok must've been seriously terrified with how pale he looked.

_He thinks that he's done a bad job._

“No fucking way, it couldn't have been better than that. I sometimes need to search too,” he replied softly and chuckled briefly. “I mean- it's my body and still I struggle sometimes. You would only need to try it a few more times and you could probably make me scream your name in a single motion.” Inhaling sharply to recover from the sensation in his groin, Hyungwon sat up and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s curved lips. “I really enjoyed it, Hoseok. I screamed my lungs out from how good it felt. We're lucky the neighbors aren't complaining.” He giggled at the thought.

“I don't know why I'm like this, it sucks so much, sorry. But- you looked gorgeous in the end, because your body showed every spark of pleasure and that’s the reason why I didn't lose my shit completely. You were beautiful. You are beautiful.” Hoseok sat on his calves, looking a little exhausted; the other man had mentioned that adrenaline made him tired.

“I think it's fine, Hoseok. You made me feel amazing and if you think about it, you got so much further already! Before, you struggled when I inserted a finger inside my body, but here you are bringing me to orgasm with your own. You should be proud!” Hyungwon grinned widely before gesturing towards the bed. “Would you- like to sleep? Maybe with alarms this time, so Kihyun doesn't scream at us.”

“Is it okay, if I stay here?” It was heartbreaking how unsure Hoseok was about the simplest things that were so obvious.

“Of course,” he whispered and reached out to caress Hoseok’s cheek, skin soft but not as hot as his own to the touch. “I love you, please stay.”

“And I love you,” the beautiful man whispered as he lay down and pulled the blanket over his body. Turning to the side, Hoseok watched him intently before moving his red lips. “Please don’t go.”

The words almost hurt him physically, pulling at his chest with how desperate they sounded. There was not even a single thought of leaving in his mind and still Hoseok was so terrified that he would.

“I won't,” he whispered and kept the smile, hoping that it warmed the other man the way he deserved, just like summer did.

“I'll stay for as long as I may.”

_

 

The alarm that pulled him from the depths of sleep wasn't his own, brutal one, but it also wasn't Hoseok’s beautiful voice that he used as a ringtone. It sounded like a default sound, one that definitely didn't belong to him and continued mercilessly.

Hyungwon could vaguely see how the gorgeous warmth that surrounded him stood up and fumbled with clothes until the unpleasant sound stopped penetrating his ears, leaving blissful silence.

He grumbled and lazily stretched out his hand, attempting to reach Hoseok’s muscular form. He looked like Wolverine, ripped muscles on display with the first rays of sunshine emphasizing the contours. Hyungwon would have totally licked over it had he not felt like an overcooked noodle, reaching out but unable to do much more than that.

“The flight is in two hours and we still have to pack, you know, right?” Hoseok’s low voice announced gently, as if the content was irrelevant. “Didn’t you say that you need ages to get ready?”

Hyungwon blinked a few times, still stretching out his arm to grab Hoseok.

“But- but I thought you’re the one who has to get up. It was your alarm wasn’t it?” he asked dumbly and wrapped his naked leg around the blanket, trapping it between his thighs. “Why do we have to fly anywhere? It’s nice here.”

“Uhm, because I have to perform in Barcelona tomorrow? I can’t fly without you, Hyungwon, you organized everything.” The muscular man ditched his shirt and climbed on top of the bed, curling his arms around his naked body and pressing him against his chest.

It was perfect and Hyungwon simply wrapped himself around the warmth. He knew everything Hoseok was telling him. He was the event manager and all and had organized everything. He was somewhat necessary, but still it didn’t sound motivating enough to wake up and do something.

“Can’t we just cuddle and read poems or something?” he muttered and inhaled Hoseok’s rather manly scent. He loved it, fresh out of bed and undressed.

“I think Kihyun already hates me but he will hate me even more. The people want to hear me sing and my manager ditched his successful career to help me achieve my dream. I can't just fuck everything.” Hoseok kissed the shell of his ear and exhaled against his skin, tickling the fine hairs on his nape.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he sat up as if someone had just slapped him across the face. Dear god.

“Okay- definitely not ditching everything. Everybody deserves to hear your beautiful voice. Damn- you should replace Moses and preach it from the mountain or something,” he mumbled and slipped out of bed, legs a little unstable but they would get used to it eventually. “Also, Kihyun is an overprotective bitch, but we don’t want to make him even angrier, right?” He glanced around at his mass of clothes and fashion items that he had covered his hotel room in. It didn’t look messy because everything was folded, but it was going to be a shitshow to squeeze it into his suitcase in addition to his skincare and lube.

“Kihyun is important. That’s why I don’t want you to fight,” Hoseok murmured and picked up his shirt that he had dropped as soon as Hyungwon asked to cuddle. “I don’t know what to tell him to be honest and I’m scared to talk to him because he always has the best arguments and I’ll lose anyway, no matter what I think. Damn it.” Throwing his head back, the gorgeous singer with the sea-colored hair groaned and continued dressing as if nothing happened.

“Ehm, maybe you can say ‘I love him’?” Hyungwon tried and lifted an eyebrow. That seemed like a good argument to him. Minhyuk would have already thrown a party and given a speech on the beauty that was the feeling of love, blessed with freedom and unicorns and butterflies inside one’s stomach. “That sounds like a pretty decent argument to me. Possibly followed by ‘I want to make this work’.”

He felt a little useless, standing around while Hoseok was getting dressed and all, so he grabbed a random shirt and placed it into his suitcase. That already felt a little better.

“You know nothing, John Snow-” Hoseok started, lifting his index finger in the air and preparing a speech. “He would immediately say something like: congratulations and now? Then he would list all the bad things about it and go on about how this whole thing is ruining my mental health, my career and literally doesn't include anything remotely positive and he would somehow be right, besides the feelings I have and the wish to make it work and the fact that you do make me happy. So much.”

Hyungwon was just about to throw his clothes into the suitcase with way more vigor than necessary until Hoseok emphasized all those good things.

“Listen up, bubble gum,” he began and poked his bony index finger into Hoseok’s muscular chest. Unfortunately, it was already covered by fabric but most good things had to be enjoyed in decent amounts. “Stop letting other people, including me, chew your brains and start making your own decisions. You want to be with me? Then do it. You don't? Then don't. In addition, does Kihyun have a healthy, working relationship? No, he doesn't, so let yourself live, bathing in hot springs and kissing against trees. Rolling around on the sand and inhaling the salty air.”

“I’m in a hotel room, Hyungwon. The air smells like heating and bodily fluids and I have to pack, in addition, I have another five tour stops and I will fucking die if I start making my own decisions because it’s too fucking much. Do you know celebrity life? You must know! There’s loneliness, time pressure, expectations, performance anxiety and a handful of people who you can trust and who will try to keep some of the weight off your shoulders. For me it’s mainly Kihyun, so I can’t be selfish. I’m selfish so often already, that’s why you mustn’t fight. Make up.” Huffing, the other man curled his hand around Hyungwon’s finger and pulled it towards his curved mouth, biting into the tip and licking over it right after.

_Make up?_

Hyungwon stared dumbly, trembling briefly at the sensation of pain and the immediate affection. He was really hopeless when it came to bodily responses. Only when he repeated the words a few more times inside his head did he understand what Hoseok wanted from him.

_He wants you to make up with Kihyun._

“I don't mind making up, Hoseok. I just don't want him to tell me what to do. I won't stop liking you and meeting you only because he tells me to. But fine, I'll talk to him. Only because I like you. There is something really nasty about him I can't place.” He sighed and sunk his fingers into Hoseok’s hair. The grip was perfect for connecting their mouths for a brief moment, hot and delicious.

Once they parted, Hyungwon continued packing his stuff, leaving an elegant suit by a nice brand on his bed to wear later. They were going to the airport, so fans were going to take pictures and obviously, he had to look his best.

_You have to look like a fucking god, Hyungwon._

He was starting to feel competitive, especially because of Hoseok’s profession.

He had learned it the hard way before.

“He looks a little scary, but that’s because he can be really scary if he’s mad,” Hoseok commented nonchalantly and brushed through his hair before taking his key card.

“I'll catch up with you later then. See you downstairs. I got to style my hair and hide half of my face.” Chucking loudly, Hyungwon grabbed a towel from its spot on a shelf and gestured towards the bathroom. “I promise I'll try to get along with Kihyun. A kiss?” He pulled his lips together into a pout.

“I love you,” Hoseok whispered and grabbed his face with both palms, clashing their lips together in a passionate kiss. “So so much.”

It felt warm, spreading from his lips right to the middle of his chest. It seemed like the kiss liquefied and dripped past his Adam's apple right to the center.

_That's exactly the way it should feel. Everything else is just a small obstacle._

***

 

It seemed like a dream with how filled his days were, the sound check, the interviews, sudden show appearances. It almost seemed as if Kihyun tried to make him as busy as possible. So busy that he barely slept and had no opportunity to talk to Hyungwon, not even at night. On the first night, he had showered and lay on his bed, determined to phone and ask the blonde man whether he was awake, but fell asleep instead.

It was the same the second day, just that he had his concert and Kihyun let him sleep more to be in shape for an exhausting two and a half hours of performance.

There were many faces, most of them knowing his songs by heart and he loved the atmosphere the Spanish city was able to gift him with, lingering on his mind even after he fell on top of the red couch backstage. His best friend immediately sat next to him and handed him a bottle of water, examining his face intently.

“Are you okay, Hoseok? Was it hard because of the temperature?”

Smiling, he closed his eyes for a few seconds and let the pictures and sounds pass through his mind for a bit, it was awesome to see so many different people who all came to see him, he was thankful really. But he also wanted to see Hyungwon who he wasn’t able to talk to for the past two days besides the short talk at the airport where Kihyun had judged them hard.

“No, it was really nice. Have you been trying to kill me for the past two days? Because damn, I love singing, but all those show appearances and interviews, I’m getting seizures just thinking about it.” Sipping on the water, he looked to the side and watched his manager’s face.

“To be honest I was hoping that you would think about something else apart from your event manager who should actually be doing his job instead of letting out barbaric noises next to my room. I understand that it must be fun and everything for him, but he’s gay, Hoseok. Like- everybody knows that he’s gay. You, on the other hand, are definitely not, so I don’t understand what the fuck is going on right now and hope to somehow prevent further damage by doing everything possible to keep you from ruining your life. I tried to explain my point to him, but he obviously doesn’t listen.” Kihyun spoke fast, gesturing a little but keeping his gaze firmly focused on his face.

_Are you gay?_

Hoseok had never thought about his sexuality because it had always been an uncomfortable topic, something weird, something that made the memories come back and he didn’t want to remember no matter what.

“But how do you know whether I’m gay or not? You just assume I’m not?” he asked, chewing on his lip and feeling uncomfortable talking about it. Lauren told him to confront the uncomfortable, so he did, trying to distract himself by taking regular sips from the water bottle and concentrating on the way the semi-transparent shirt stuck to his chest.

“What?” There was a pause as Kihyun shifted closer and stared into his eyes as if there was something in them that would have explained everything. “Because you literally never ever had anything with a man? You only fucked women, Hoseok, you only kissed women and I even saw you getting your dick sucked, so what the fuck are you talking about? You are talking as if you’re on drugs. He didn’t give you anything, or did he? I’ll kill him.”

_He does have a point, but he also doesn’t know about you two knowing each other from before._

_And about your crush on him._

“He didn’t give me any drugs, Kihyun. But- you know about my issues, even if I liked men, I could have never done anything because it’s triggering. In fact, it’s not true that I’ve never been close to a man. Well, not exactly this close, but I did kiss a boy and we made out in a tent. It was that one year when you didn’t come along,” he murmured, shifting away from Kihyun to get some space. He felt interrogated and his resources were low.

“Oh did you? Amazing that you’re telling me after ten years, I see you appreciate our friendship. But you know what? You were so fucking sad when you came back that at this point, I’m not sure whether it’s an additional reason for you to stay away from all this. I’m really fucking worried, Hoseok, I like you so much that I can’t let you do stupid things, I just can’t. Why can’t you just make music and continue your therapy to finally get over those terrible memories that continue torturing you? Why do you have to throw yourself into something stupid while risking your career and making no fucking sense whatsoever? Just stop, or if you feel bad about telling him, I can get another manager, it will be a mess, but we can do it somehow.” The last few sentences were said in Kihyun’s typical manner when he tried to be reasonable and make him understand a certain course of action.

_Good that he isn’t here._

He listened to all of it while chewing on his bottom lip and choosing his next words carefully.

“I don’t want to stop. I love him, Kihyun. I really, really love him and I won’t stop. We knew each other from ten years ago, we met back in France and we liked each other back then. I don’t know what this is, but we ended up meeting again and he was the one who told me to be a singer and that’s who I am now. I will make this work and I won’t ever stop.” His heartbeat picked up as he said his words and tightened his grip on the bottle in his right hand, trying to get rid of the adrenaline.

His manager stood up and walked a few steps, before turning around and looking at him with huge disappointment painted all over his face. It felt worse than a stab right into his heart.

“I told you that I would love it if you became a singer when you were fourteen and hiding at my place because you couldn’t go home. But I guess we must not be close enough for you to consider my opinion or I’m not important enough for you to remember. Do whatever you want, Hoseok.” The familiar face disappeared from his sight as his best friend left, walking out of the door after grabbing his bag and without looking back.

It hurt so much, so fucking much that he didn’t move and just took the agonizing feeling in his chest and the knowledge that he had hurt the person he cared about the most. Knowing that he had said something that made Kihyun feel worthless, not important enough for him, even though the other man had always tried everything to make him feel better, to protect him and to make him happy.

_You’re a fucking asshole, Hoseok._

He really wanted to cry, but he had no fucking right to after being the worst human to a person who did nothing wrong besides caring about him every day for the past seventeen years.

_Why would you insist on something, if you don’t even deserve to breathe?_

Standing up from the red couch, he collected his belongings and stumbled out of the backstage area. He didn’t know where exactly he was going, especially after Kihyun had left and Hyungwon was only an image, somewhere in the back of his head, the reason why he thought hurting his friend was a good idea.

There was no van outside, but the venue was close to the city center, so he pulled his leather jacket over the semi-transparent black shirt, even though it was way too warm, and made his way over rather empty streets that seemed to contain more people and cars the more time passed and the further he walked.

There were lights and tourists strolling along the streets, some of them took pictures; it also seemed as if people were taking pictures of him, but he didn’t care, he simply wanted to stop thinking, to get lost in the nightly lights and the incredible warmth that made his shirt stick to his chest even more than before.

How nice would it be to get lost in an unfamiliar city? To just mingle with the people and palm trees and cobblestones, melt into the colorful building facades, enjoy the red wine people were drinking while chatting and laughing, carefree and happy. But he still felt alone, like a foreign entity, like a cold stone in the middle of the desert, winter in summer, unwelcome and frigid.

It smelled like sea, there must be waves and sand somewhere near, but he felt exhausted after walking for such a long time and entered the next restaurant he came to ordering tapas and wine while earning surprised gazes from the shocked waitress that kept staring at him throughout his attempts to read the menu. He really hoped that she would stop piercing him with her gaze and looked at the people passing by. Every now and then there was a person who caught his eye, looking at him like he wasn’t someone who was supposed to sit in a restaurant and drink wine on a Friday night. Maybe it was because he was pale, or Asian, or because of his weird hair color, or the transparent shirt and ripped black jeans. He was simply a foreign entity and it was exactly how he felt. How he always felt.

There was sudden shuffling and the sound of a chair screeching unpleasantly over the big cobblestones of the pathway, grabbing his attention. A quick glance revealed bright blonde hair, almost pulling all the light of the small side street towards itself and a perfectly black suit, velvet with equally black decorations woven into the fabric.

“ _Bonsoir_ ,” the familiar low voice commented as the other man sat down in front of him, chair screeching. “Or should I rather say _‘Buenas noches’_?”

_Are you hallucinating?_

He should’ve answered to test his assumption, but he simply sat there unmoving, besides his hand that lifted the heavy glass of red wine to his lips as he took a sip.

“Would you also like something to drink?” the waitress asked Hyungwon, leaning down to see his face. He must be real after all.

It was remarkable how smoothly Hyungwon placed that gorgeous, bright smile of his on his face and leaned in a little.

“A red wine please, whichever you would recommend. The price does not matter to me,” Hyungwon replied and winked briefly, flirting obvious. “ _Señorita_.”

Once the woman hurried off with a quick nod, a little flustered by the sudden behavior, the blonde man returned his attention to him. The expression in Hyungwon's chestnut brown eyes changed a little, warmer somehow.

“Not offering me beer this time?” he asked softly, wide smile remaining. “It would be legal now.”

_Beer was the only thing you had to offer anyway._

“Now you’re able to drink expensive wine in a fancy restaurant, so you don’t need me to offer you anything, I guess,” he murmured and drank more, enjoying the warmth that spread due to the alcohol in his blood.

“I fear you are wrong about that. It wasn’t about the beer back then, but about the fact that you were the one offering it to me. It is just like the devastation I felt about not tasting your coffee, I know it would have been different, special even.” Hyungwon was speaking quietly, lips barely moving to hide his words. “To be honest, you don't need to offer me anything, you're right. Because you are enough all by yourself.”

The platinum blonde man turned away to accept the glass of wine that the waitress brought him, smiling at her again.

“Your words- I do understand them, but I can’t believe that someone like you would consider me enough in any kind of way. It just doesn’t make sense. I- I can’t even remember the most basic things, can’t show people that I care and end up hurting them instead. You just haven’t experienced it yet, that’s why you don’t know.” Looking to the side, he put a stuffed jalapeno into his mouth and chewed on it, trying to numb his senses with the spicy taste.

“I'm pretty stubborn, Hoseok. I don't give up that easily.” Grinning, Hyungwon reached for his wine and took a sip. “Also, doesn't your concern about not showing that you care - plot twist - show that you care? I think I told you before, there is something to you,” the blonde man stretched out and pointed at his eyes, still smiling, “right there. It draws me in.”

“It’s an illusion,” he whispered, remembering that he must’ve said the words once, somewhere far away while sitting on his bike and having warm arms around his waist. He looked back at the street, ending up focusing on a phone that was obviously held in his direction.

_You’re in the middle of a city after a concert, Hoseok. You didn’t even change your stage outfit, fuck._

“Too bad that I love illusions then,” Hyungwon replied softly and slammed a bunch of papers on the table. “And now we can look ridiculously busy until the private cab I requested comes here and takes us away. Deal?”

“No.” He shook his head, still staring into the lens, like a crazy person. “I want to go to the sea.”

There was no response until Hyungwon silently pressed something on his phone and packed it back into his pocket. The same happened to the papers after he scribbled something on them. “Please tell Kihyun that it wasn't my fault, I cannot resist the sea.”

Brushing over his suit, Hyungwon stood up and placed a fifty-euro bill on the table.

“Let's go before the beach gets way more crowded than it should. I hope you're a good runner.”

“I don’t know, I feel dead on the inside.” Placing another bill on the table, as he had no idea how much he had to pay for the things he ordered, he fixed his leather jacket and stood up.

Hyungwon's motions were smooth as he kept smiling, winked at the waitress and made his way out of the restaurant, relaxed and as if he wasn't in a hurry. The only action that didn't quite fit to his calmness was the way he glanced in Hoseok’s direction to make sure he was following. They moved along the narrow street, masses of phones appeared, surrounding them from all sides, and through windowpanes. Everyone seemed to care about him strolling through the inner city.

“There is only one way to find out whether you are a good runner,” Hyungwon murmured when they came closer to a narrow pathway that led in between two buildings. Long fingers brushed over his, as if in preparation. “I'm crazy, and I hope you are too.”

Looking back once, he could swear that he saw his best friend’s face in between all those strangers who were trying to get a snippet of his life, as if it was something special and not him struggling to stay living. He looked hurt. Kihyun did.

He had no time to look again as Hyungwon suddenly grabbed his hand and pulled him into the alley, running at a speed that fit the length of his legs but was surprising for his slim body form. Their steps echoed off the walls quickly as they finally passed through and turned around the corner into another narrow alley. Hyungwon must have known where he was running, each turn calculated and speed reducing just to turn around the corner smoothly. Hoseok had already lost count of all the pathways they had taken when they arrived at an open, rather deserted street the blonde man sprinted right across, holding onto his hand tightly until he jumped from a stone path and landed right on the beach, tugging Hoseok along as they toppled over the sand. The bright and carefree laugh that left Hyungwon's throat rang in his ears

_It sounds like back then._

He was an asshole, enjoying how the person next to him laughed while hurting and making someone who was important to him suffer with his behavior, but if he could have laughed and cried at the same time, he would’ve definitely done it.

“Have you ever run while wearing a suit?” he asked, throwing his leather jacket to the ground and unbuttoning his terrible shirt that was only good for performing but definitely not comfortable or nice against his skin.

“No but I'm ridiculously happy that my pants didn't rip,” Hyungwon replied and laughed again, rubbing his blonde hair over the silver sand. He looked so happy, eyes barely visible and cheeks puffy. “Actually, I wish they had ripped at the knees, so I could feel it.” The blonde man seemed so careless as he simply spread out his arms and legs and rubbed them over the ground, pushing sand around.

“You are wearing a black velvet suit. Not that it’s my business, but you will have to throw it away after this, plus I hope that you have a plan how you’ll get home. You won't look as dashing returning as you did leaving.” He couldn’t help laughing at the sight. “Let’s go for a walk.” He slipped out of his shoes and took them along, feeling how warm the sand felt under his feet.

Hyungwon giggled loudly and lifted up, silver sand raining from his blonde stands. The pretty man shook his head quickly to get rid of most of it and jumped up, brushing over his legs and arms. It was rather pointless.

“I don't really care; I can buy a new one. Also, I could just go back in my underwear, not too weird when you come from the beach.” He laughed again and peeled his elegant leather shoes off his feet, quickly followed by black socks that he also took along. “I love the salty smell of the air. It's not as fresh but I love it.” Wind was ruffling up Hyungwon's hair, letting grains of sand sparkle in the moonlight as they fell to the ground.

“What do you want to do when you grow up?” he asked, chuckling at Hyungwon’s antics and kicking the sand, just like the blonde man did.

“ _Ton amant, le poète_ , that's what I want to be,” Hyungwon replied, but didn't translate, licking over his lips quickly and running past him with his arms spread out. It should have been ridiculous with how tall he was and the dirty suit he was wearing, but it seemed like the sand and the waves took away everything superficial, leaving pure joy and bright eyes.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but fine.” Looking up he saw the half-moon shining beautifully and covering the yellow sand in a silverish layer of light. It looked breathtakingly exquisite, just like the black sea. He loved it at night, the blackness made him feel as if he belonged there. Clearing his throat and preparing his vocal chords that he had obviously overused during his performance, he started singing quietly.

 

“I love you much  
It's not enough  
You love blow and I love puff  
And life is like a pipe  
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside.”

 

Hyungwon stopped running suddenly, arms slowly sinking back to his sides as he turned around and watched Hoseok intently, listening to the sound of his voice that the wind carried in his direction.

“Isn’t it funny, how you are still the purest sunshine warming everything around you and I’m still winter, cold and foreign? I think it’s bizarre.” He looked at the black waves and it made his lungs clench, making him gasp for air.

Suddenly there were naked feet on the sand behind him as he felt arms curl around his waist and Hyungwon's warm breaths against his neck.

“I don't think it's funny, I think it's perfect. I can warm you up and you can calm me down when I seem to lose my mind and burn everything in my wake. It's peaceful with you, Hoseok.” There was the sound of the other man swallowing until his chin rested on Hoseok’s shoulder, a barely noticeable weight. “It's ‘your lover the poet’. What I said before. I want to be with you and write poetry.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much, but- I literally didn’t do anything to deserve this. To be worthy of your feelings like this. I often think that this whole thing happened to me because I have to be alone,” he whispered, watching the moon because he couldn’t bring himself to look at anything else.

“Hoseok- do you… do you think that I need to deserve your love? That there is something that I need to do to be worthy?” Hyungwon asked quietly and let his fingers stroke over Hoseok’s ribs, sliding from one to the next through his thin shirt.

“No. Because you’re perfect, like a gift. You shine, like the sun on a summer’s day, warming up everything around you. I’d give you everything if I had anything proper to give.” Sighing, he looked down on himself, watching his unbuttoned shirt spreading open due to the wind and only staying in place because of Hyungwon’s embrace.

“Then why would you need to deserve mine? What if you're perfect to me too? With a bright smile that feels like liquid warmth is pooling in my stomach and eyes so deep I want to sink into them and never reappear, become a part of you. You don't need to give me anything because this is enough, just being next to you like this, breathing the salty air, feeling your warm skin under my fingertips and knowing that you feel the same for me.” Plump lips pressed a kiss to his nape, warming the spot until the wind cooled it down again.

“Is it really so easy? How can you not expect anything? Everybody does. If there's something I know, then that there's nothing for free, people always have expectations and get mad if you don't fulfil them. That is what my life is about.” He shivered a little as he spoke and lifted his hands, unsure what to do with them.

“You know, I think you're right about that, people always expect things and get disappointed, but- I think the difference is that you are willing to adjust your expectations when you are in love. I might expect you to roll around in the sand with me and get dirty or to be reckless and jump in the water or to fuck me senseless, whatever it is, but I'm fine if you don't because I love you and I'm happy when you're here, with me.”

“It doesn't make sense to me. There is no reason for you to stay with me if you could have all of it with somebody else who would willingly love to give you all of it and more. You should also take it because that's what makes you happy and you deserve to be. Why bother with me? I understand why Kihyun bothers, because he spent seventeen years investing his life in me and my wellbeing. It probably seems like bad bank to him now, but the investment still stands. You don't have this kind of investment, you have thoughts, words, and feelings, but it's been three months? Or less? I don't even know what month it is. It's only by chance that I remember our meeting, I could've forgotten it, like so many other relevant things and you would get hurt.” Hoseok felt like crying again as he remembered his best friend's face. There was nothing he could do to make it better, to destroy the pain and replace it with something positive. He wasn't someone who was good at comforting people. He could only hurt.

“The human mind is often irrational. None of us ever fall in love with the person we would expect to fall in love with, do we? It's not about investment to me, at least I don't think it is. There is so much to you that appreciates something about me that nobody else does. People call me childish or a hopeless romantic, Hoseok. Nobody really enjoys my poems or what I'm trying to say. It's just not- what people expect when they see me, you know? However, you like the whole package, the dumb running and wriggling and excitement and poems. That- means so fucking much to me. You think you are lucky that you remember our meeting. Well, then I am lucky too. Humans forget things, it's natural but I don't think it always means that it didn't matter.”

“I hate myself so fucking much,” he whispered and sank to the warm sand, wrapping his arms around his legs and burying his face in between his knees to hide his tears that he wasn't supposed to let out.

“Shh,” Hyungwon hummed as he felt a warm body wrap around his own, followed by long fingers that brushed through his hair. “Why do you hate yourself, Hoseok?”

“Because I hurt someone who's really important to me because I was being a selfish asshole, even though he was always there for me and never thought about his own well-being. Fuck. His face, you don't even know.” He sobbed like a baby, trying to curl up, but ending up sitting on the sand and hugging his legs.

“I've done that too, recklessly, by saying something really hurtful and not even thinking about what it meant,” Hyungwon replied and kept caressing his hair. “It's okay, mistakes aren't forever, Hoseok. You can talk.”

“I think he even came to get me, as I was about to run away with you. Oh god, he must be so fucking hurt, why am I like this?” He couldn't stop crying, tears simply ran down his face like a stream. “You don't understand, he might not trust me anymore, what am I supposed to do then? I don't want to live like this, he's the person who knows the most about me.” It hurt so badly that he begged to just stop existing, to not feel it deep inside his lungs.

“It's about Kihyun, isn't it?” It sounded like a fact instead of a question that needed a reply. “Let me tell you something that I have learned over my rather exciting life filled with mistakes, bad decisions and lots of stupidity. People that care about you don't leave you because of one mistake. Kihyun- he cares about you a lot, so much that he's ready to strangle anyone who wants to touch you. Trust me, I know, I'm that ‘anyone’.” Hyungwon chuckled and reached out to lift Hoseok’s head from his knees, carefully brushing the tears away with his thumb. “He would never leave you just like that, without talking to you and settling it first. If you feel so bad about what you said or did, then you should tell him, let him know. If you want to we can go now, we could even call him.”

“He’s never looked at me like that. Not even once. I think I ruined something and now it's over and I feel like I'm dying on the inside even though I thought there was nothing living in there anyway. Fuck.” He couldn't control his ragged breaths and sobs that left his mouth involuntarily. He was such a mess, in the middle of Barcelona, hugging his legs, half naked and crying like a baby even though he had no fucking right to cry.

“It- it's possible to say something really hurtful that stays, but- I don't think it could ruin seventeen years of friendship. Not if you talk to him. The way you feel shows that you care and feel bad about it. It's what matters, Hoseok.” Hyungwon inhaled roughly and shifted next to him so that he was able to place a warm palm on his uncovered chest. “I think there has always been something living inside you, you merely try to protect it by pretending that it's not there. It will be okay, Hoseok. I promise you, it will be fine.”

“How can I be around you if the only thing I do is to kill your gorgeous levity by burdening you with the blackness that's inside me? I want you to be happy and to roll around in sand, but instead you're forced to comfort me because I'm an asshole who can't remember things that are important to his best friend. Am I really worth it for you? Really?” Scared of the answer, he bit down on his lower lip and looked to the sea that came a little closer the longer they talked.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon replied softly as a bright smile spread on his plump lips. “I'm happy because you open up to me and share with me. It makes me feel special and like somebody that matters to you. What- what did you forget that upset him so much?”

There was no way that he could tell Hyungwon that he only remembered him as the reason for becoming the singer, even though his best friend had encouraged him for years and did everything including using his own degree to support him before and during his career.

Shaking his head, he looked up and focused on Hyungwon's big, brown eyes that were looking at him intently.

“I love you. I love you and I'm so sorry,” he whispered through the sound of the waves.

“It's okay,” Hyungwon replied and smiled again, pointlessly removing loose hair from his eyes as the wind blew it right back. “Do you remember now? The thing you forgot before?”

“I do and it makes me feel like the worst person to ever exist.”


	15. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you remember- back when I was a dick to you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 29th of March at 2 PM CET.
> 
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It was so easy to make a mistake, to hurt somebody so badly that it left a bitter taste in one’s mouth and a broken heart in their chest.

Hyungwon had tried his best, embracing the shaking figure that had been sitting next to him, suddenly so small compared to Hoseok’s usual appearance, broad and muscular. There was something about the blue-haired man that made him seem distant, hiding inside his own head and denying every argument that spoke for his worth. It reminded Hyungwon a little bit of Minhyuk back then. It was when his friend had struggled with his studies and a lost lover, drowning in misery. Back then, Minhyuk had also argued against everything Hyungwon had attempted to tell him. At some point it felt futile, repeating the same things and only receiving a disappointed head shake in return.

Hoseok had asked him if ‘it’ was worth it, being with him and ‘investing’ all that effort. The question was pointless, something he had no reason to think about. If he wanted to be with somebody then he was going to act on it and try to make it work and if he didn’t then he didn’t. There was nothing stopping him apart from outright rejection and the other person’s dislike. Hoseok didn’t dislike him, so there was no reason to stop.

_It has always been like this. You are simple and stubborn._

Hyungwon could understand Hoseok’s hurt, the fear of having ruined a friendship. It was a terrifying feeling, one that had made him cry more than once over the past few years. A few times stayed forever, ingrained as the times he had done something horrible, independent of how often he had apologized or not. But forgetting something didn’t seem as detrimental to him, not as hurtful as saying the one thing that could break a person apart in a second. Knowledge could be dangerous, because once you got close enough your words matter and you know the other person’s weaknesses.

Forgetting a memory seemed forgivable in comparison. Hyungwon didn’t know Yoo Kihyun, but he knew how much the short man cared about Hoseok, getting involved in his personal matters and protecting Hoseok from every possible danger, even from Hyungwon himself. It didn’t fit his image of the manager. He didn’t seem as if he would break such an important friendship because of a memory.

He had tried to explain to Hoseok that his current memories mattered. He had remembered in the end, so it couldn’t have been absolutely irrelevant. That’s what mattered and he only needed to talk to Kihyun and apologize, explain his feelings. Hyungwon had told Hoseok all that, but something about the other man’s face told him that he was going to roll up in a blanket as soon as they were back at the hotel and not reappear until the early morning hours - without having talked to his best friend.

The taxi driver that drove them back was friendly and hadn’t complained too much about Hyungwon leaving sand all over his backseat, maybe the extra cash was also the reason for the hospitality.

Once Hyungwon entered his hotel room, he threw his suit into the garbage and lay down on the spacious bed. It smelled fresh and was more comfortable than the one in Amsterdam. He enjoyed the decorations too, everything covered in an elegant and beautiful arrangement of black and red. It had something intimate that he enjoyed, even though it was a hotel, as impersonal as it could be.

Staring at the ceiling for a few moments, he tried to listen whether he could hear Hoseok move in his room, but there was nothing, only quiet and his own breaths.

Playing with the cuticles of his thumb, he grabbed his phone and pressed the one, waiting for a few moments until the rough and sleepy voice of his best friend filled his ear.

“I’m happy you called, not. Fucker.”

Hyungwon smiled a little because he could instantly imagine the way Minhyuk rolled around on his mattress that he kept on the ground because he tended to roll out and punched his pillow in frustration. He rarely slept earlier than three in the morning, but his blonde friend still loved complaining.

“Something happened and I ended up thinking about you, remembering something,” Hyungwon replied and listened to Minhyuk’s calm breaths and the rustling of the sheets.

“What?”

“Do you remember- back when I was a dick to you?”

“Which of the countless times?” Minhyuk laughed loudly, sound low and penetrating as it entered Hyungwon’s ear. It was typical of the blonde man to pretend that he didn’t know what he was talking about.

“That one time,” he replied quietly and began to spiral a strand of his hair around his index finger. It wasn’t very successful because his hair was way too short. He had cut it to recover from all the dyeing and to not need a haircut throughout the concert tour.

“You mean when you told me that I’m just a product of your parents’ investments?”

Hyungwon almost winced at the words. He remembered how he had screamed them at his best friend. It had been in high school, shortly before the exams after a sleepover. Whatever had motivated him to say it as Minhyuk stood in his doorway, nothing had justified it. Hyungwon didn’t even remember why he said it anymore, he only knew that he did and that it evoked the most hurt expression he had ever seen on the blonde man’s face, bottom lip trembling until he slammed the door in his face and left.

It had been deserved.

“Mmh,” he hummed in reply and continued staring at the ceiling, equally red and black like the rest of the room. It looked more intimidating when he only looked up and didn’t take the rest of the furniture into account. “I was wondering...if you’re still angry about that.”

“Still angry? It was years ago.”

“Yeah, but something like that doesn’t just disappear. You knew exactly what I meant when I asked.”

“I did,” Minhyuk replied and paused for a few moments, probably thinking about his reply. “Well, the things that hurt the most are the ones that seem to have a tiny spark of truth, you know? When you said it I wanted to cry and punch you and tell you how much I hate you, but at the same time I thought ‘but what if it’s true? They did pay for your education and you always came along to celebrations and everything you did and still do is because of them’. It hurt because it seemed true.”

“But it’s not. My mom wouldn’t have cursed so often if everything you ever did had been according to her expectations.” Hyungwon chewed on his lips, a bad habit that appeared when he wanted to argue, but he was a little worried about saying the wrong thing. They had discussed this topic a few times, but never in the context of what he had said back then.

“I know, Hyungwon. I know. I’m just saying that I thought that way back then. We figured it out in the end and the only thing I am angry about is the fact that you went on a fucking trip through Europe and didn’t take me along. I’m dying of boredom over here. Jooheon is cute, but that’s about the only thing that’s cheerful here. I miss your stupid grin and how you fall over when you laugh too hard.”

Giggling, Minhyuk rolled around on his bed. “Pussy.”

“I miss your stupid grin too, in addition to snacks,” Hyungwon replied and chuckled. It felt nice to be able to laugh about the past and the present, to solve misunderstandings and keep the people that mattered the most around.

He really hoped that Hoseok would talk to Kihyun.

_

 

It was still in the middle of the night as he turned around, wrapped in his pillows and listening to nothing in particular. He couldn’t fall asleep, not with the feeling of unresolved conflict hanging over his head like a bad curse.

The muted sound of wheels on carpet caught his attention, slipping past his room and stopping one door further.

_Hoseok._

He didn’t have to listen intently to decipher the word ‘whiskey’ from the brief explanation that room service gave. It was in the middle of the night and Hoseok wasn’t sleeping but drinking instead.

_Because he won’t talk to him._

Hyungwon swallowed, listening for further sounds that didn’t come. It was dead quiet apart from the room service rolling past his door again. There was no way that he could sleep with the knowledge that Hoseok was drinking in his room and that he still hadn’t talked to his best friend.

He wasn’t very familiar with being the fairy of mediation, but he felt pretty sure that someone had called him a fairy before. It couldn’t have been all that off.

Jumping out of bed, he pulled a pair of tight pants and a loose t-shirt from his suitcase and threw them over his naked body. He didn’t bother with socks, he hated putting things on his feet.

Leaving his room with his keycard safely placed in his back pocket, he moved one door down. It was made out of gorgeous polished wood and had the number 213 on it. He wasn’t really the type to talk to people he didn’t get along with, but he was willing to make sacrifices for the people he liked and damn did he like Hoseok.

He knocked on the door.

There were steps, surprising for this time of the night, as Kihyun’s extremely tired looking face appeared in the door crack.

_He can't sleep either._

“Did something happen?” Hoseok’s best friend asked while looking to the side.

“You tell me,” Hyungwon replied until he remembered that he wanted to be civil. “Yeah, I guess, but it's not really about me this time.” Kihyun looked so tired that anything that kept the grey-haired man from sleeping must have been indescribably evil.

“I don’t think that I have to tell you anything, especially not after you fucked all decent human behavior and your non-existent brains and drank wine with him in a restaurant while people were filming and ran away right after. Really? Do you want my job? Because I kinda realized that I’m not needed.” Kihyun left the door open and walked back into his room, flopping into the chair across from the desk that was filled with all kinds of documents. Hyungwon felt thankful that the other man even allowed him to enter.

“You're definitely needed and trust me, I don't want your job.” Hyungwon sighed and sat down on the corner of the bed, hoping that Kihyun didn't mind other people sitting on his sheets. “Actually, I didn't plan on running away. My first thought was to appear like we were doing business while I was ridiculously interested in the waitress until we drove back to the hotel. But Hoseok rejected my offer to go back, so I had to think of something else to get him away from all those people. He wanted to go to the sea, so I tried to find a way to do it. The social media isn't saying anything too weird, I checked. The waitress trick worked.”

“It only works as long as nobody is really interested in your relationship with Hoseok. Right now, they’re just interested in you because you’re handsome, but I already had posts deleted and reported that said that you’re gay, because you’re apparently very open about it, which is a good thing. For you. But not for Hoseok. God, what am I even talking about, he doesn’t give a shit about what I say anyway? Why are you even here?” the other man asked and rolled back, turning a little and staring at him with his dark eyes.

_It's not about you right now, it's about Hoseok._

“Because Hoseok was crying on the beach, scared that he lost you as a friend,” Hyungwon replied quietly and stared back. “And I don't think he did.”

“He- he cried? Because of me? Are you sure that he didn’t cry because of something you said?” The other man suddenly leaned forward and looked at him intently, searching for hints on his face. Probably to see whether he was lying.

“Pretty sure. He said he hates himself for being a worthless friend that didn't remember the important things. He didn't tell me what he had forgotten but I'm sure you know.” Hyungwon sighed and crossed his legs. It felt a little bit like Kihyun and Hoseok thought they didn't matter to the respective other and danced around a big ass lie. That was always the worst. “He cares a lot, enough to hate himself for hurting you and cry in my arms.”

“He shouldn’t have cried,” the other man murmured quietly, before returning his intense gaze. “Ah, it wasn’t anything special, just that he told me that a random guy on a beach told him to become a singer. That random guy must’ve been you, and he was all emotional about it, saying it had been the reason for his career, even though I kept telling him the same thing ever since we've known each other. But I’m not tall, reckless and also not gay, so that must’ve been less impressionable.”

_So, you weren't the first person to tell him that? He seemed so convinced back then._

Maybe Hyungwon wasn't the first person to tell Hoseok that his voice was special, but their encounter had still been different, not easily dismissed by calling him a ‘random guy’. It had left an impression, and a scar.

_But he doesn't know._

“I doubt that,” Hyungwon replied, remembering that Hoseok had been in love with his best friend before. But it wasn't his secret to share. “If- if you told him that around the same time his PTSD started, I can imagine that he generally forgot a lot. At least that's how he described it to me before. But the important thing is that he felt really bad about it, Kihyun.” Hyungwon pulled more of his body on top of the sheets, assuming it to be okay since the other man hadn't commented on it yet. “You make it sound like I'm the only person that matters, but if that was the case, he wouldn't have cried while being next to me. I can't make this better, but you can. That's why I'm here.”

“I- will talk to him about this, and you-” Kihyun reached out and pressed his index finger into his chest while narrowing his gaze. The other man had really manly hands and looked fucking scary when he was mad. “Stop moaning and screaming for everybody to hear, including me. This can backfire so fucking quickly and you don’t seem to understand the problem, just like Hoseok. Also, you have to be careful when he faints or hyperventilates, he might, depending on what the fuck you’re doing to him.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened comically and while his emotional self-panicked in a matter of seconds his professional self-made a mental note to get hotel rooms with sound proof walls.

_He almost sounds like he's fine with you getting it on as long as you keep quiet._

“Oh god,” he murmured until he caught himself again, forcing away the image of Yoo Kihyun lying in bed and listening to him scream. “I'll- I'll keep it in mind, thanks. But I was also hoping that you could go to him _now_.”

“Like this?” Kihyun almost screeched, pointing at his face in shock. “He’ll immediately think that I’m not okay and start doing all kinds of unnecessary things. I can’t go now, he’ll think that I’m sad.”

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek while trying to think of a solution. He was really worried about Hoseok overdoing it with the whiskey.

“This might sound really weird, but I'm pretty damn good with makeup and have an amazing bb cream that could cover it all up.” It sounded really dumb even though it was true. He glanced at Kihyun's complexion to figure out whether he had the right tone, but it was probably fine. “Anyway, my point is that Hoseok kind of ordered a giant ass bottle of whiskey to his room and I'm worried that he'll drink himself into oblivion. I could go, but it's not about me. He's doing it because he thinks he ruined his friendship and is a worthless human being, which he obviously isn't.”

“Don’t touch anything important and if you do, put it back,” the older man murmured and jumped up, running out of his room. In a matter of seconds, Hyungwon could hear a few knocks and a door that opened. It was magical how quickly Kihyun stopped caring about his appearance and simply ran out.

_You would have done the same if it was you._

But alas, it wasn't, so he got up and walked to the door, taking the keycard that Kihyun left along in case the grey-haired man wanted to return eventually.

Walking to his room and slipping inside, Hyungwon suddenly felt fatigue catching up with him, making his limbs ache and his eyes fall shut all on their own.

It was a childish thought considering the circumstances, but Hyungwon would have really loved to paint Yoo Kihyun's face.

_

 

There was something terrible about mornings, independent of how beautifully the sun was shining and how exciting the things to come were. It was only seven in the morning, but they had a flight later, so Hyungwon had already packed everything like a good boy. It was too early for his last-minute ass, but it was most likely the perfect time for Yoo Kihyun who must have had a rooster in his genetic background.

Unfortunately, or fortunately (it was difficult to tell), the manager wasn't in his room when Hyungwon knocked on the door and he also wasn't after careful inspection of the room’s interior. The orderly arranged sheets and still unpacked clothes also told him that Kihyun hadn't returned.

_Which means he's still with Hoseok._

It was stupid to be jealous of friends, it was basically a rule, especially when you were friends with somebody who was as touchy as Minhyuk. It was petty to be jealous of friendships, but Hyungwon couldn't really help it. He knew that the manager wanted them to stay apart and that just fueled the feelings a little.

_Be a decent human being and feel happy that they get along._

Putting a pretty smile on his face, he knocked on Hoseok’s door. He happened to have a keycard for that too. Just in case.

There was no answer and also no sound, blissful silence continuing behind the door when the sound of his knocks faded out. Lovely.

Hyungwon tried again, and again. When nothing happened the fourth time, he felt like he was working way too hard and just grabbed the keycard, unlocking the door with a smooth swipe. Pressing down the handle, he quietly stepped into the equally black and red hotel room and looked around. The blinds were down, probably Kihyun's habit, and there was no trace of either man until he looked at the bed. Hoseok's hair was showing above the thick blanket he was covered with and he could see a naked leg that definitely didn't belong to the beautiful, sea-haired man.

Hyungwon's first reflex was to check the room for the clothes Kihyun had been wearing, making sure that the manager wasn't naked. It was kind of stupid and even if the other man was it didn't have to mean anything, but he liked to be careful. There was a neat pile on a chair next to the bed, the same shirt and pants he had seen a few hours ago. His eyes fell on the way Hoseok’s arms curled around a blanket burrito, it must've been Kihyun, judging by the fact that a human was able to hide in there completely.

It was kinda cute even if it made him purse his lips. Technically he had no reason to be pissed, Minhyuk and him had done way worse things than cuddling at night.

Crossing the distance, he thought about poking Kihyun, but then decided against it. There was something scary to the other man, even when he was asleep and had his naked, hairy leg on display. Hyungwon walked over to Hoseok’s side and sat down on the edge, one arm reaching for the pretty face and brushing over the pale cheek.

_Kihyun must have left his phone in his hotel room too, missing his alarm._

“Hoseok, wake up, we got to leave soon,” he murmured and leaned in a little, watching the expression on the other man's face.

“Mhm,” was the answer, followed by the sound of air forcefully escaping lungs. Hoseok must've squeezed Kihyun in the same way he had done it with him when they had slept in one bed. It was a little funny, so Hyungwon chuckled, still brushing over Hoseok’s cheek and following the contours of his curvy lips.

He didn't think that language was going to be very successful, so he threw a brief glance at Kihyun to make sure he was sleeping, before placing a soft kiss on Hoseok’s mouth. It was really warm and Hyungwon melted a little. He had missed it over the hours they hadn't been able to be close. Like- really close. The type of close without clothes.

The soft lips moved as the other man started shifting towards him automatically, arms loosening around the blanket-covered Kihyun and attaching to his body. The lack of awareness was scary. It could've literally been anyone and Hoseok just returned the kiss like it was his dearest lover. There was no way that Hyungwon's lips were that recognizable, especially while being half asleep.

_Just hope that you don't wake Kihyun up instead._

He licked into Hoseok’s mouth and pulled back a little, trying to wake the other man up by rubbing a thumb over his sensitive nipples. That should have been shocking enough.

“Come on, Hoseok, wake up,” he muttered into the kiss.

There was a micro movement and black eyes focused on his own, widening with each passing second before Hoseok leaned back and grabbed his hand, staring at him. He must've been hungover judging by his behavior and the whisky smell.

_So he did try to drink himself into oblivion yesterday._

His wrist hurt a little and he tried to examine the expression on Hoseok’s face. Water was probably a good idea.

“I'll get you something to drink,” he whispered, remembering perfectly well that loud voices and moving around were the worst. He pulled at the grip on his hand a little and tried to stand up.

“Where are you going?” Hoseok asked and pulled at his wrist, forcing him to sit back down. “What are you doing here? How did you manage to come in? Is this a dream? Why are you in my bed and on my bed?”

“Wait what?” Hyungwon tried to process what the fuck Hoseok was talking about until he realized that the other man must have believed that Kihyun was also him, existing in two places at once. “Ehm, I'm sitting on your bed, Kihyun is lying in your bed and I was just about to go and get you a glass of water so you would feel a little better.” Licking over his lips, he pulled at the other man's grip again, secretly enjoying it a little. Hoseok was so fucking strong, it was a kink.

“Oh god, it must be a nightmare,” Hoseok murmured and tightened his fingers around his arm, pulling him closer until their faces were merely a few centimeters apart. “I know that you're also under the blanket, who is the real one?” the other man hissed, gaze narrowing.

“What?” Hyungwon was dumbfounded, staring at the suspecting gaze on the other man's face while Kihyun continued sleeping as if they were on a fucking cloud. Hoseok was playing out a whole damn spy movie by himself, with people pretending to be Hyungwon and trying to trick him. Dear God, what kind of nightmares did he usually have?! “I'm me and that's Kihyun, I just told you. No blonde hair, hairy legs, like- seriously, short and with a sharp as fuck jaw. I'm all smooth in comparison, bubblegum princess when I have pink hair.”

“What are you saying? It doesn't make any sense. Why would you and Kihyun be in the same room? You know that I can keep my wits while dreaming. You kissed me and then you stopped kissing me, why would you do that, huh? Just disappear where you came from.” Looking closely, he could see that Hoseok's gaze looked weird, as if he was looking at him, but also not really.

_Is he daydreaming?_

Hyungwon’s emotions were a witch cocktail, starting with endearment at Hoseok’s antics and how cute he was and followed by slight hurt at being told to fuck off, basically.

_You don't even have time for this, you have a plane to catch, all three of you._

“I stopped kissing you because that-” Hyungwon gave exactly zero shits as he grabbed the blanket and pulled it off the short man, revealing his grey hair and mostly uncovered body apart from a pair of briefs, “is Kihyun and I didn't want him to watch as you make me scream, because that's exactly what would have happened if we continued kissing.”

“You- what?” Hoseok blinked a few times before looking to the left and dropping his wrist as if it was hot before looking back with an expression of pure terror on his face. “Oh my god, oh god I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?” Picking up his hand, Hoseok placed a few kisses around his red wrist. “Fuck, you should've slapped me or something. Even though I still don't get why Kihyun is here.”

_Slap him? Nah._

Hyungwon watched the way gorgeous kisses were placed on his skin and couldn't get himself to regret a single thing.

“You didn't hurt me,” he commented first and smiled brightly, glad to have Hoseok’s full attention. It was tempting to just lie on top of the muscular man and be embraced, but he had a job to do and no time. “Kihyun is here because he came to you yesterday, to talk I think. You should know what happened after that. The thing is- we have a flight in two and a half hours and I think we should get ready, especially Kihyun over there who will most likely panic once he realizes what time it is.”

“What do you mean two and a half hours?” A low voice sounded next to them as Kihyun made a walnut out of his chin before opening his eyes. “What the fuck?”

Hyungwon really wished he had taken a picture before, for blackmail because it was fucking hilarious. Instead, he shrugged with his shoulders and pulled Kihyun's keycard out of his back pocket.

“Well, it's 7:30, sleeping beauty. I'm all ready to go, but the two of you are still somewhere in between dream land and the last James Bond movie.” He stared at Hoseok when he mentioned James Bond before grinning brightly and tapping his watch. Somehow coming along on the tour was even more entertaining than he had expected.

Honestly, he was simply glad that Hoseok was better, no matter what the two of them had discussed the night before.

“Holy shit, Bunny, I told you that I can't drink, why did you force me to down two tumblers? Now I have like ten minutes to pack and it's a fucking mess, fuck.” Kihyun was on his feet in a matter of seconds, slipping into his jeans while jumping on one leg and cursing like a marine officer. It was cute and Hyungwon barely contained a giggle. “And you? Do you think the managing in your managers position only applies to Hoseok's nipples? Why didn't you wake me up earlier, you were the one who sent me here?”

After a brief moment of discomfort during which Hyungwon wondered how Kihyun could know that he stroked over Hoseok’s nipples to wake him up, he lifted his eyebrow and stared right back.

“Listen up, sweetheart, I did exactly what you told me were my responsibilities, I organized the tour, woke up earlier and packed my shit. As an extra I checked your room because it was suspicious and came here. It's not necessarily my fault that you guys are difficult to wake. You didn't even take your keycard.” Smiling brightly, he walked over to Kihyun and fixed the collar of the other man’s shirt. Sometimes it was amazing to be tall. “Either way, can I help you with something, _Mr. Manager_?”

“I hate you,” Kihyun hissed into his face, looking up as he slapped away his hands. “Give me this cream of yours, we have to go to the airport and I don't have time for anything else.”

“It's my pleasure, but maybe you should let me do it?” Hyungwon replied and brushed through his hair, styled up to reveal his forehead. It was the airport after all. Everybody was going to take a mass of pictures.

“Come here in ten minutes,” the other man murmured and ran out of the room, after ripping his card out of Hyungwon's hand. His temper was no joke.  
“He's like a hamster on steroids,” he commented before turning towards Hoseok who hadn't said anything throughout the whole conversation. “Are you okay? Do you need some water?”

“You sent him here? Why?” The beautiful, half-naked man asked while fumbling with his jeans and not really attempting to put them on. Hyungwon smiled at the antics and closed the distance to help while thinking about his reply. He hated lying, so it was going to be the truth.

“Because it felt like I couldn't help you at that moment, but he could.” He smiled while guiding one of Hoseok’s legs into the respective jeans compartment. The other man was staring at him throughout. “You thought he wouldn't want to be your friend anymore and he thought you didn't value him as a friend. It felt like talking could solve it, so I sent him over to you.”

“Now I have even more evidence to think that you're not real,” Hoseok murmured and stood up, taking a bottle of water from the desk and emptying it in front of his eyes. He looked gorgeous, pale, muscular body on display and Adam's apple bobbing while he drank.

_Kink hell, that's where you are._

“Why do you think I'm not real? Because I tried to help? Honestly, I know how scary it is, I've said something pretty terrible to a friend before.” He chewed on his cheek at the memory, but couldn't take his eyes away from how beautiful Hoseok was. It still felt unreal whenever he remembered that he was close to somebody that millions of people wanted to be close to.

_But they don't know him._

“No-” the empty bottle flew into the round bin as Hoseok looked up and moved towards him. “Because you have so many opportunities to show all kinds of behaviors, to act as you like, but still, everything you do is just beautiful. Like you. I don't deserve you, as I already mentioned,” Hoseok murmured and looked to the side, picking up his clothes from the chair and placing them into his suitcase. “Marcia is probably already downstairs; I have no idea what to wear.”

_He deserves everything, he just doesn't know it._

“How about- really dangerous idea but- how about letting me pick?” Hyungwon grinned brightly and didn't even wait before excitedly fumbling with Hoseok’s clothes. It was one of his tiny dreams, dressing Hoseok for the airport. There were quite a few nice pairs of pants, but Hyungwon liked the black ones with semi-transparent cuts. It was like teasing the fans without showing skin per se, he would have to do that by showing a bit of Hoseok’s muscular arms, perfect for the summer.

“Please, otherwise I'll just take the first t-shirt I find.” The other man laughed and spread his muscular arms, probably attempting to imitate a mannequin.

Hyungwon laughed loudly, almost toppling over into Hoseok’s gigantic suitcase from the effort. It was amazing how cheerful he felt, picking out ridiculously sexy clothes for Hoseok and thinking about how to take care of his pretty but also tired face. Once he picked a tight muscle shirt with a nice cut, he added a few accessories and ran to his room to get his suitcase and make-up. He had to save the day.

_You're strangely happy about this._

“Sit down,” he commented as soon as he returned and prepared the bb cream and eyeliner. “I'll make you so hot they'll beg for your dick on Twitter.”

“But I don't want them to beg for my dick. They did it even when I posted moon pictures.” Hoseok looked like a child, talking about his fans and what they usually commented on his Twitter posts. Hyungwon had been one of those before.

_He seems so innocent somehow._

“Well- I just needed a good example for looking hot without writing a poem about it again. You're gorgeous and I'm going to show everybody.” Concentrating on Hoseok’s pretty face, he applied come cream on the back of his hand and began to apply it evenly with a brush. It immediately looked like the other man had slept enough and ate starlight for breakfast. “What would you like your fans to do or think, Hoseok?”

“I don't know. I've never thought about it. I want them to like me because of my music and my performance,” the other man murmured and closed his eyes so Hyungwon could reach his eyelids. The other man was ethereal, even when he lacked sleep.

Hyungwon hummed while applying a tiny bit of silver and blue eyeshadow on Hoseok’s lids. “I understand that, but imagine it like a gigantic flea market. You have something to offer, but so do all those other people. To make sure that people even glance in your direction it's important to gain attention and that is exactly why we are doing this. People will see you and think ‘shit he's hot’ and then they'll check out your music. That's the magic of it all.” He grabbed a black eyeliner and emphasized the contours of Hoseok’s eyes. It was going to be perfect with a hint of blush and lip tint.

 _You're basically living every fan’s dream right now_.

“You seem to be skilled; I almost didn't realize that you're not Marcia.” The other man chuckled and grabbed his hand, black eyes focusing on him. There was that look again, the one he had seen when he undressed in front of the other man for the first time. The gaze burned him up from the inside in a matter of seconds. Hoseok used the grip to pull him closer and lick over his bottom lip.

Hyungwon froze in place, staring at the gorgeous man and breathing heavily. It was uncalled for, nothing really happened, but here he was, chest burning and lips parting from the sudden spark of arousal.

“You're tasty,” the low voice whispered before the other man let go as if nothing happened and looked to the ceiling to allow Hyungwon to continue with the eyeliner.

“R-right,” he stuttered and needed a full five seconds to get back to work, hand shaking at first until he got it under control. It made no sense whatsoever. Hoseok had seemed innocent and like a child only a moment ago, how was the blue-haired man able to switch so quickly?

_It fucks you up and he probably doesn't even know._

Hyungwon’s suit pants felt a little tighter and he hoped they would stop before Kihyun's return.

He finished the eyeliner with a gorgeous wing and applied a little bit of blush to Hoseok’s cheeks. It was nice to do the singer's makeup because he didn't move too much and knew what to do. Unless he got Hyungwon hard in a matter of seconds that is. “I'll- I'll finish with your lips now, okay?”

“But I want to kiss you first, I can't kiss you after you're done, right?” The singer licked over his lips and seemed to be studying every movement of his mouth.

Hyungwon swallowed, loudly. “Ehm, it's fancy lip tint, so it's supposed to stay on but- but of course you can kiss me before that… if you want.” Goddammit, he sounded like a panicking teenager. A teenager that really wanted to rip someone's clothes off, Hoseok's to be exact.

Hoseok hummed and reached for his face, stroking over his cheek with his thumb, before curling his fingers into his hair and pulling him closer until their lips almost touched. There was a sharp exhale against his lips, a wet tongue that licked over his bottom lip and teeth that pulled it into the hot mouth until he felt Hoseok’s lips tasting his own hungrily.

It was overwhelming, a whole bunch of fireworks exploded without any preparation as he wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck and just climbed on the other man's lap. He didn't really care about what time it was when his shins touched the edge of the bed and his fingers sank into Hoseok’s hair. His heartbeat picked up and a shiver ran down his spine. He licked into the other man's mouth and felt his lips tingle with every touch. “Hoseok-” he whimpered before kissing those deliciously curved lips again.

“I missed you, Summer child.” The low voice vibrated against his neck as the gorgeously curved lips sucked along it, accompanied by rough exhales whenever Hyungwon pulled his hair.

He gasped at the nickname and tried to keep himself in check, to not tremble too much or make too much noise as he rubbed his behind over Hoseok’s thighs and bit down on his lips to shut the fuck up. “I- I missed you too, so fucking much, shit. You can't be winter, not with the way you burn me up.”

“God, I hate you so fucking much, both of you have _no_ sense of responsibility _whatsoever_. You didn’t even pack, Hoseok! What the fuck? I’m going nuts, seriously.” Kihyun ran past them with a palm covering his eyes and started throwing stuff into Hoseok’s suitcase. “I should’ve become a judge instead, why am I here? Fuck my life.”

_His timing is insufferable._

Hyungwon basically fell off Hoseok’s lap onto the bed and sat down, crossing his legs - for reasons. “I did his makeup and picked his outfit!” he exclaimed in his defense and wondered why getting caught by Kihyun was so much worse than getting caught by his parents. Pursing his lips, he grabbed the lip tint he had wanted to use and unscrewed the lid. It was a little pointless with how red and swollen Hoseok’s lips were, but obviously, they weren’t going to remain like that forever. Sighing, he applied a thin layer and smacked his lips to show Hoseok that he was meant to do the same.

“God- you basically ate his face, I need to disinfect my eyes. I think that you should definitely continue therapy, Hoseok, because you’re obviously on your best way to losing your shit.” Another pair of pants flew into the open suitcase as Kihyun peeked through the spaces between his fingers and removed his palm after making sure that it was safe. “You better not touch each other in public; I swear I’ll kill you both.”

“I’m going to continue therapy, I told you yesterday. You must’ve been drunk as fuck,” Hoseok muttered and smacked his lips, winking at him like a fucking tease.

_What the hell happened? Why is he suddenly so confident?_

Maybe it was the makeup and the clothes. Hoseok looked like a fucking god. But then again, he also looked like one when he was naked and bare faced.

Hyungwon swallowed and brushed through his blonde hair, wondering what exactly the two of them had been talking about, apart from getting pissed together that is. Hoseok’s manager must have been _particularly successful_ at stopping the blue-haired man’s alcohol intake.

“I see you’ve done an amazing job with damage control,” he commented and threw Kihyun a judgmental glance. “Also- eating face looks different, trust me. Maybe I’ll teach you some day if you’ll be good.”

“There’s definitely nothing you can teach me. At least nothing I consider remotely valuable. You can get your stuff and go downstairs, I’ll take Hoseok along, and leave me your cream. I need it, I shouldn’t have drunk anything, I hate you, Bunny.” Kihyun looked really funny, running around like a crazy man and cursing as soon as something didn’t go the way he had expected.

“Just make sure you do it evenly and don’t use too much,” Hyungwon muttered and shrugged. It seemed like Kihyun would need a little longer to warm up to him. He wasn’t looking forward to keeping his distance in public and pretending to be an event manager only, one that hadn’t just made out with Lee fucking Hoseok.

_At least he’s not telling you to stay away from him in general._

That was at least a start.

 

***

 

The tour was going smoothly. So smoothly that he didn't realize that it was almost over. There was only a show in Berlin and one in Manchester, his home. It felt really special, but what felt even more special were his thoughts.

_They're scary._

They were. Hoseok tried to stay away from triggers, but Hyungwon triggered it all and he wasn't able to close himself in somewhere and not come out.

_Then deal with it._

Dialing the familiar number, he waited until Lauren’s voice introduced herself.

“Why would you introduce yourself when you know that it's just me?” he asked instead of immediately mentioning his problems as he always did.

The woman on the other end laughed loudly in response.

“So that you have something that gives you stability, plus, what if some crazy fan calls and I say: Hey Hoseok, how's your PTSD? Won't be nice, right? I'm professional. How are you?”

_It would be terrible, they worry about all kinds of things that don't concern them._

“I'm- I don't know. I- I have weird thoughts,” he murmured and glanced to the side even though he was on the phone and no-one could see his facial expression.

“What kinds of thoughts? About what happened? Are you having flashbacks again? Was there a particular trigger? The boy?” Lauren bombarded him with questions, but that's how she was, curious and wanting the maximum amount of information.

“Not- not about what happened. At least not in the same way- it's complicated.” Hoseok gave up explaining and covered his face with his right palm, closing his eyes right after.

“This doesn't make any sense. What are you thinking about?”

There were two possibilities, hanging up, or telling Lauren what he had been thinking about for the past few days.

“Sex. I think about sex,” he replied and gritted his teeth at how dumb it sounded.

“Uhm, so? You're someone who has always been sexually active, so I don't see a problem there, and now you have-” Suddenly there was absolute silence before his therapist cleared her throat. “Ah- I'm a little slow today, I'm sorry. So, you're thinking of being close to this boy you mentioned?”

_Oh god._

“He's twenty-five, Lauren. And yes, I can't stop thinking about it. We- we kind of did a few things and the last time- I was so terrified that I almost fainted, but I still want it. Does it make sense? It doesn't, right? It's dumb. I should just stay away from triggers.” Sighing he leaned further into the big pillows. The hotel in Berlin was really nice with a huge bed and big windows.

“Don't be ridiculous, Hoseok. You know that you should talk about it and expose yourself to triggers instead of avoiding them. I guess the only thing that prevents you are your associations. I assume- that you're the active one?” There was hesitation in the woman's voice, but he knew why.

_Because you just fainted as soon as she started talking about it last time._

“Yes, I- I told him that I can't do it the other way around but he also doesn't want me to. He- he likes it this way, I guess. But the last time I- I touched him was a disaster, I really thought I would faint. But the arousal helps in dealing with it, so I didn't, but I was so exhausted that I just lay down and slept. I mean- we haven't slept with each other yet, it was just- yeah, it's not important.” It still felt weird to talk to Lauren about sexual stuff, even though it has been years and she knew what had happened to him because she was the one who found his letter.

“But you want to sleep with him? The thing is, it's normal if you like someone to want to be close to them. I would suggest to you that you come up with some strategies that will help you not to faint next time that you're intimate and then, maybe you could also talk to him about your fears. It might help.”

“I did,” Hoseok muttered in reply and lay on his side, pressing the phone to his ear with his free hand.

“Good. Tell me about the house. The white house. We will go there when you're in Manchester, I took a day off to come with you.” Lauren’s words immediately created pictures, associations, a quickened heartbeat, white walls, pain and a numbing feeling of nothingness that followed right after.

_

 

The crowd was going crazy and he loved the filtered spotlights that Hyungwon must've organized. Performing seemed a little harder, probably due to the adrenaline from fainting in the middle of a phone call.

_It's still there. All of it._

But he was on stage, singing and dancing. It was impressive how he kept thinking about the one-time Hyungwon had been in the crowd watching him, how Hoseok sang for him and the look in the other man's eyes. It was similar to performing Cave Me In. As soon as the lyrics left his lips, there was green grass and the moon, Hyungwon's soft and plump mouth and his big intelligent eyes, watching him in a mixture of admiration and hesitation.

_You love him so much._

He watched the screaming crowd before sitting down on the edge of the stage and letting them calm down a little.

“Do you guys know what Cave Me In is about?” he asked into the crowd, not expecting an answer and getting a mixture of screams and his name. “Want me to tell you? But only because it's you guys.” There were louder screams and he put his in-ear back in.

“It's- about feeling something extraordinary for the first time, when you are used to feeling fear or pain but then suddenly, you start feeling something different, something warm and inviting. But it's not because of you, but because there is a person like that and you didn't know they existed. And this person is like summer, warm and always welcoming you with open arms. I really want this person to cave me in because I'm tired of only feeling fear and pain all the time. I hope you guys can find someone like this too,” he whispered through the loud cheering and stood up, preparing to perform his last song.

_How can you still miss him when he's around?_

Hoseok didn't know how he was able to think about one person all the time, but it must've been because of what they shared, or because Hyungwon was summer, or because he was winter.

“I know that it's summer, but stay warm on the inside,” he said before bowing and waiting a few seconds, enjoying the loud cheering. The spotlights turned off and he disappeared behind the stage, letting Marcia wipe his sweaty forehead and neck and moving backstage.

“I hope that you know that you just started dating rumors, Hoseok.” His best friend sat on the table and scrolled through something on his phone, probably Twitter.

“I don't. I just wanted to tell them something different apart from the usual ‘I love you’ and ‘Thank you so much’.” Sighing, he let himself fall into the black chair and closed his eyes so that Marcia could remove the make-up.

“Amazing, and you decided for: ‘I don't love you, because I love someone else, get a boyfriend.’” Kihyun was such a sarcastic ass sometimes.

“I've never said that, why would you twist my sincerity like this? You probably slept badly.” He finally opened his eyes, looking at Kihyun through the mirror.

“You did say that. You have to understand what they get from your pretty, sophisticated message. What they understand is: ‘Bitch, he's dating.’ Also, I would've loved to sleep, but your- your blonde friend thought it would be amazing to do- whatever the fuck he was doing to scream in his fucking room at 2AM, and I know that it wasn't you because you were composing. What the fuck is wrong with him, Hoseok? What did I do to deserve this?” His best friend jumped from the table and closed the distance between them, just as he stood up.

_He probably touched himself, or…_

“Was he alone?” he asked, like an obsessive teenager.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Hoseok? Yes, he was alone, there was no other dude. At this point I'm wondering if he even needs another dude. Also how can I unhear things?” Kihyun shook his head while placing both palms against his ears.

_Maybe he doesn't. You saw how he touched himself, it doesn't seem as if he needs someone to feel pleasure._

“Maybe he doesn't. Let's go back, it's late and I still have to shower,” Hoseok murmured and turned around to get his suit jacket as Marcia shoved her phone into his face.

“Isn't this Hyungwon? He's a fan?” His stylist looked overjoyed and he stared at the picture on the screen, showing Hyungwon standing in the first row and waving a banner. He had brown hair back then, it must've been before they met again. Somehow, he felt regretful about all those times they could've spent together but didn't.

“Yeah, but we’ve known each other from a long time ago, from when I was a nobody. Just like Kihyun. Only that Kihyun isn't a fan but my best friend, also my parents and my lawyer and my psychotherapist. He gets way too little money for this.” He felt the exhaustion crawl into his limbs and opened the door, unwilling to discuss stuff any longer.

“Oh god no.” Kihyun grabbed the woman's phone and started looking and reading and whatever else he did on Twitter.

“I'm going,” he whispered and let the door close behind him. There was no energy left for anything besides sleeping.

_

 

His steps sounded so heavy as he finally entered his room and went directly into the shower.

_Because you know that you won't get up as soon as you lie down._

The hot water felt nice against his sore muscles and he felt so incredibly tired. It was a first to be on the verge of collapsing, but it was a good sign. Lauren had told him that being tired meant that he wasn't alert and expecting danger, which was good.

He shampooed his hair and used the foam to clean his chest and shoulders, before taking the shower gel and creaming his thighs, butt and other necessary parts.

“Sexy,” a low voice commented from the door, familiar and laced with a hint of amusement. “I hope you don't mind me intruding on your privacy like this, standing in the door frame of your bathroom in the middle of Berlin.”

_Was he in the room? Or did he just enter?_

Hoseok had no idea, but he also wouldn't have heard anything if he was honest. The exhaustion was no joke.

“If you want to see me wash myself while trying not to fall asleep, please feel free,” he murmured and smiled, not seeing shit due to the steam.

“Do you… need help?” Hyungwon asked and it was possible to tell that the blonde man stepped closer, colorful blob taking up a little more space than before. “I'm no sadist, you know.”

“I know, but I'm done.” Brushing his hair back one last time, he turned off the water and opened the glass door. His eyes fell on Hyungwon's lean body, packed in a tight blue suit that emphasized his height, slim waist and his long legs. There was a gorgeous smile on the other man's face, bright like the first rays of the morning sun. He seemed happy but there shouldn't have been a reason to be.

“You must be tired. Kihyun said that you have been busy because the Germans are no joke.” He took a big towel and wrapped it around his hips. “But you're still smiling, it's beautiful.”

“Of course, I am, you made me happy today.” Hyungwon watched him intently, cheeks still puffy from how wide his smile was. The other man leaned back against the door frame as a single index finger slid along the wood on the opposite side and stopped at about eye level. The blonde man must have used it as a distraction, breaking the eye contact to chew on his bottom lip, still smiling. One might have said he looked elated.

“Me?” he asked in surprise and couldn't think of anything notable he could've done apart from thinking about sex and fainting because of a house.

“Yes. What you said today, at the concert, it- it really meant a lot,” Hyungwon whispered and began to draw circles with his index finger, still not looking at him.

_He heard?_

“Oh, but how do you know? You weren't there!” It was really weird, he didn't expect Hyungwon to know, especially not this fast.

The other man chuckled, face switching to the expression he had right before calling Hoseok cute. “I saw a fancam, you looked- ethereal. I watched it while holding my palm into a security guard's face and telling him to wait because it was important. He was nice enough to offer me a tissue afterwards.”

_He saw._

“I- I keep thinking about you lately when I'm on stage performing and I also wanted them to know what the song means. Cave Me In, I mean. Although I got scolded by Kihyun. But I don't care about this kind of scolding.” Smiling, he came closer and touched Hyungwon's hand that hung loosely at his side, brushing his fingers over the other man's smooth skin hesitantly.

“You know what I miss? Hearing you sing, just like that, next to me.” Hyungwon slipped his fingers into the spaces between his and looked up, gaze meeting his. “It feels magical when you do, like it's just you and me.”

It made him smile shyly, but he cleared his challenged throat and sang.

 

“Baby, I want you to cave me in  
So maybe I won't have to admit it  
Baby, I want you to cave me in  
So maybe I won't ask to forget it.”

 

“But I do admit it now, just back then it was in the back of my mind,” he murmured and leaned in, letting his lips touch Hyungwon's plump mouth for a brief moment, hesitating to part. He could feel arms wrapping around his neck and the other man's clothed chest met his.

“The feeling always remains the same when you sing, overwhelming and pure,” Hyungwon whispered against his lips, chestnut brown eyes focusing on his. “Let me- let me try to express how you made me feel today. I rarely make sense but my poems, they do.”

A brief smile danced over the beautiful man's features until he began reciting, gaze still interlocked with his.

 

“I thought I was well versed with words  
I write my heart, I ink my hurts  
But all my art is helpless rage  
Against the walls, against the cage  
That keeps apart our minds - and never  
Can I break through, no grand or clever  
Rhyme can pierce my cell. But you  
Need just one song to write anew  
All that I knew of poetry.

  
You break my wall, you set me free  
And speak to me, to me alone  
I listen with my heart and bone  
And even though all world can hear  
Your song, you whisper in my ear  
This is beyond what words can do  
This is me understanding you.”

 

_His mind is like a magical, deep world you only get a glimpse of when he shares his pieces with you._

“Sometimes you give me a short glimpse of what's inside you and leave me completely overwhelmed. I love you so much, Hyungwon, I want to understand you too, but here I am always tied to my own thoughts and problems,” Hoseok whispered, staying close and holding Hyungwon's hand in his.

“It's the same, you show me what's inside you when you sing and tell the people what music means to you. I'm overwhelmed too, Hoseok,” the blonde man whispered before hitting his palm against the light switch and covering them in thick blackness, contours blurry from the steam that still hung in the air. “I'm your lover the poet, aren't I?”

“You are the words showing me what the world is like outside of the underwater cage that I locked myself in.” His hands curled around the other man’s slim waist, travelling further along the silky texture of the shirt Hyungwon was wearing. Leaning closer he kissed a patch of skin that his lips found, smooth and smelling like citrus. He loved the other man’s smell, it reminded him of summer.

It was dark but he could tell that Hyungwon was smiling, long fingers stroking through his hair and digging into the muscles of his shoulders.

“I'd rather be the one to pull you out,” the blonde man whispered and tugged at his hair to have their eyes meet. Teeth began to nibble on his bottom lip and Hyungwon wrapped an arm around his middle to pull their bodies flush. “I don't care that we are in a dark bathroom, you only need to look at me with those black eyes of yours and I sink to my knees for you.”

It didn't take a second for the arousal to explode in his insides. He licked his lips and let his hands explore the curve of Hyungwon's spine, down to his firm ass, cupping it and pulling his lower body against his own, creating a spark of pleasure.

“I thought about you, about being close to you.”

“Me- me too, so much that I couldn't resist yesterday,” Hyungwon muttered, voice low and breathy as he gasped and tried to push their groins together again. “I thought about you, but you were composing, so-” The blonde man didn't finish, groaning loudly instead.

_That's what Kihyun was probably talking about._

“I want you,” he whispered, squeezing the other man's firm behind and sinking his teeth into his soft neck. Fuck, he wanted Hyungwon so badly.

He was met with a gorgeous whimper, echoing off the walls and vibrating in the slim chest that was pressed flush against his. Hyungwon’s breaths sped up with each passing second, hands roaming over Hoseok’s body like they wanted to remember every inch, engrave it by scratching over his skin with blunt nails.

“Then fucking take me, Hoseok,” the low voice hissed in his ear, followed by another pull at his blue strands.

The towel loosened around his hips and fell to the tiled floor. His lips and teeth were tasting Hyungwon’s neck and shoulder as he unbuttoned the other man’s shirt as fast as he could in the dark.

The blonde man must have been too impatient, throwing his body against the bathroom wall and pulling Hoseok along. He could feel light scratches on his back as Hyungwon whimpered and breathed with his mouth open.

“You’re like gasoline” he hissed, attaching his lips to Hyungwon’s naked chest and sucking on one of his small nipples harshly. His hands roamed over the lean stomach and sides, curling around them and he let out a moan at how slim the other man’s waist was, it was so fucking attractive.

“Then let me heat you up,” Hyungwon whispered before suddenly sinking to the ground, right in his embrace. Cool hands settled at his hips as the blonde man licked over his abdominal muscles and travelled lower, exhaling hot air over the tip of his prominent erection. Hyungwon seemed particularly fond of his vline as his thumbs stroked along it. “You're delicious.”

“Oh god, I want you to lose your mind, to throw away every concern and to melt under my fingertips,” he murmured, staring at Hyungwon’s silhouette. His light hair framed and emphasized his big eyes that stared right through the dark and into his soul.

“You only need to-” Hyungwon chucked before wrapping his right hand around the base of his erection and rubbing the head over his plump lips, texture feeling amazing against his dick, “make me.”

“I will, I want to, I want it so badly.” His voice echoed off the bathroom walls and the darkness drove him mad. It was as if there were no thoughts, just sensations and the urge to make Hyungwon moan his name. He curled his fingers into the other man’s blonde hair and pulled him against his groin.

There was no hesitation as mind blowing heat engulfed him, followed by thorough sucking and the tip of a tongue that dug into his slit. Hyungwon was moaning at the action and the hand that had been curled around his base returned to his hips, holding on tightly.

He moaned and pulled at the blonde strands between his fingers. It felt mind blowing and he wanted Hyungwon to experience the same, more, more of everything, to make him forget where he was and what he was doing.

“Fuck, you feel amazing, I want to feel you too.”

Hyungwon hummed in agreement and let Hoseok’s erection slip out of his mouth, smile recognizable despite the darkness. There were a few seconds of brown eyes meeting his until the blonde man stood up and jumped, wrapping his arms and legs around Hoseok’s body and clashing their lips together in a rough kiss, all tongues and teeth.

Grabbing Hyungwon’s thighs, he licked into the other man’s mouth hungrily, panting and impatiently pulling Hyungwon’s lower body against his own. It took a few seconds for him to decide on a course of action as he pushed the door open and entered the barely lit room. There was enough light from the outside, so he could see the bed.

_You want him so badly, it’s like being addicted._

As soon as Hyungwon’s back touched the sheets, he hovered over the gorgeous blonde man, attaching his lips to his skin and opening his pants.

Hyungwon was simply beautiful, the way his mouth parted and his eyes rolled back, Hoseok wanted to make him scream.

“I want you to sit on my face so I can fuck you with my tongue,” he whispered after getting rid of the other man’s suit pants and underwear, voice low and eyes immediately focussing on Hyungwon’s big orbs. Hoseok wanted to have him, to hear his screams and to experience what his body felt like from the inside.

_Is it because it’s dark?_

He didn’t care, he just knew that he wanted it. More than anything.

Hyungwon didn't reply with anything coherent, only moaning at his words and digging his heels into the thick blanket. It sounded a little bit like begging when the blonde man whimpered his name and sat up on his calves, staring at him expectantly. Hyungwon's plump lips were swollen and parted, gorgeous red color tainted his puffy cheeks and his legs trembled a little.

“Fuck me up,” the blonde man hissed while stroking over his own slim thighs.

He leaned back slowly until his back touched the sheets. Keeping his gaze focused on Hyungwon's gorgeous face, he licked his lips and smirked. Isolating his index finger, he beckoned the other man over, twitching at what was about to come.

“Come here and let me taste you.”

He could hear and see Hyungwon swallow, Adam's apple bobbing and eyes changing in a matter of seconds. It was remarkable how everything about the blonde man's demeanor transformed with Hoseok’s facial expression and beckoning. A rough exhale passed Hyungwon's lips before he licked over them, erection twitching obviously and the other man didn't bother to hide it as he crawled over to him, purring playfully.

He couldn't help his reaction, spreading his legs and feeling how his arousal burned between them. Hyungwon was able to lead his thoughts into one direction, leaving no room for anything else.

“Sit on me,” he groaned and bit down on his bottom lip, impatient for the other man to finally bless him.

The motion that followed was fast, blunt nails scratched over his chest as Hyungwon climbed over him and settled his thighs around his head, trembling a little in anticipation.

“You really don't want to know what's happening inside my head right now,” the blonde man whispered, spread out hands roaming over his body in the meantime.

_He thinks about having sex with you, doesn't he?_

“It might be the same as in mine,” he murmured and grabbed the firm butt, stroking over Hyungwon's golden thighs and licking over his lips in anticipation. “Would you take me into your mouth while I play with you?”

“Fuck yes.” Hyungwon bent forward and instantly licked a stripe along the base of Hoseok’s erection, lips closing around the tip and tightening. “Delicious,” the gorgeous man whispered and continued by dipping his tongue into the slit and sucking intently, head turning a little for the friction.

He wanted to moan, but pulled Hyungwon's ass against his face and licked over his entrance, playing with it and blowing air against it. He couldn't help the sounds, so his lips must've vibrated against the sensitive skin, adding to the sensations. After a few more licks he pushed his tongue inside the hot, tight body, humming and spreading his own legs.

The moans around his dick were the perfect proof of how good Hyungwon must have felt, fingers creating dents on his thighs with how tightly they were holding on and body shivering with each motion of Hoseok’s tongue.

“Fuck- please,” the blonde man managed to beg before he let Hoseok’s erection hit the back of his throat and moaned again, vibrations driving him mad.

_He likes it, but you know that he likes your fingers more._

Thoughts were dangerous, so he simply pushed his tongue inside once more, before pulling out and sucking on his fingers. They were coated in a matter of seconds, and he pushed one in, remembering the way he had curled it last time. After a few seconds of exploring the tight heat, he finally found the tiny spot and rubbed on it. His lips attached to Hyungwon's gorgeous behind, nibbling on the skin and kissing every spot he could find.

The difference in reaction was immediate as the other man almost screamed around his erection before letting go, gasping repeatedly and scratching over his thighs.

“Fucking hell, Hoseok-” he muttered and pressed his face to Hoseok’s groin, whimpering at the motions and the pleasure that was visible from the way his thighs and abdomen flexed. It was gorgeous.

“You're so fucking gorgeous, fuck, no wonder I can't think about anything else,” he muttered in between the kisses and let his index finger join carefully while stroking over the other man's skin. He wanted the blonde man to go crazy, to lose his awareness, to be his.

There was a low scream that was followed by a soft whimper until Hyungwon reached behind himself and wrapped his long fingers around his wrist.

“Let's- let's get lube,” the blonde man muttered while still throwing his head from side to side. “I want more of you.”

_It must be weird for him without._

“Yes, yes sure. I do have some but- it's probably a different one from the one that you need,” he murmured and let his hands fall to the sheets, trying hard not to think.

“Lube is amazing no matter the type, just give it to me,” Hyungwon replied but didn't show any signs of moving away. His breaths were tickling Hoseok’s skin and he still gasped in between, wiggling his behind in Hoseok’s face a little. “Please.”

He had no idea what happened to his self-control, but he leaned in and bit into Hyungwon's butt cheek, licking over the red spot right after. Distracting himself with fumbling, he reached for the bedside table and pulled the tiny bottle out of the upper drawer. He masturbated the day before, so he had put it there. Thankfully.

“I just coat my fingers in it, right?”

“Yes, and bite me again because- fuck.” Hyungwon moaned and licked over the tip of his dick, continuously, without really engulfing him. “Just do it, I can't fucking think further than your fingers and the way you mark me, shit.”

_Do it, Hoseok._

He was quick, opening the bottle and coating three fingers accidentally, but it was too late, so he bit into Hyungwon's ass again while pushing two fingers inside him. The slide was much easier and he could find the right spot almost immediately, remembering the angle. Rubbing on the sensitive part, he kept biting and licking over Hyungwon's behind. It was so fucking hot that he kept imagining his fingers being something else.

The gorgeous man screamed and barely held his body upright, throwing his head from side to side and moaning his name. He must have felt so good, long fingers travelling downwards and wrapping around the base of his erection. The grip was almost painfully tight, he must have tried to keep himself from orgasming.

“Hoseok, shit- I- I want you to fuck me so bad, I'm losing it.”

_And you want it too._

“I want you too, Hyungwon, I do- fuck.” The arousal burned between his legs and spread all over his body, especially with the sight in front of his eyes. Pumping his fingers in and out of Hyungwon's tight body, he couldn't help moaning himself at the way it made him feel.

“Can't I at least- ride your fingers or something? I won't hold out anyway,” Hyungwon murmured helplessly and pushed his hips back against Hoseok’s fingers, screaming each time he hit the spot. The other man's skin was glistening from a thin layer of sweat that had developed. The muscles in his arms remained flexed to delay his release.

“Do it, fuck- just do it,” he moaned before pulling back his hand and biting into Hyungwon's golden thigh. He wanted to mark the other man's body and to see him lose it. “Come down and sit on them.”

“Shit,” Hyungwon cursed and brushed through his slightly damp strands, fingers shaking from the effort of holding back and calming down the pleasure that must have been reaching uncontrollable heights. Climbing off Hoseok’s body, the blonde man took a few calming breaths before finally focusing on his eyes again, gaze hungry and raw.

“I love it when you bite me,” he whispered and slipped onto his lap. Warm hands held onto his shoulders as Hyungwon lined up with his digits and whimpered in anticipation. It was insane how his thighs were shaking even though Hoseok wasn't touching him yet. “Fucking please.”

“I will bite you more,” he hissed and lifted his upper body from the sheets, curling one hand into Hyungwon's hair while two fingers of his other hand disappeared inside the other man's body. Curling them and finding the relevant spot after a few seconds, he leaned in and sank his teeth into Hyungwon's delicate neck.

A scream echoed through the hotel room as the blonde man rolled his head to the side to give Hoseok more access and whimpered his name, overwhelmed from the way it felt.

“Yes- fuck yes- it's almost like-” He didn't finish and simply lifted his hips, thereby letting Hoseok’s fingers slip out until the tips. There was no coherency left in the other man's expression, in the way his body moved, his lips parted, his toes curled. None of it was calm and controlled anymore. Sucking in a deep breath, Hyungwon looked him in the eye before slamming his hips back down while moaning right into his face.

_Fuck. It's almost like he's taking you and not your fingers._

“I can't think,” he whispered and concentrated his energy on holding his hand at the right angle. “I want you so fucking much, why am I like this?”

“Because it feels good,” Hyungwon gasped and buried his nails into his shoulders, enough to leave fine red lines. The other man didn't seem aware of what he was doing, begging, screaming and moaning in alteration.

“I wish-” Hyungwon was interrupted by a scream as he slammed his hips down, “it wasn't your fingers.”

“Maybe- maybe we can do it next time, I can't think right now but I'm also not on the verge of fainting, I just have pictures in my head of how you would look if I were inside you.” He didn't know how he managed to pronounce those words but it was the truth, something that he thought about, real inside his mind.

It was difficult to tell if Hyungwon even understood what he had said as there was no reply apart from dark eyes that met his and a hand that slowly wrapped around his length, stroking it at the same speed that Hyungwon let his body drop on Hoseok’s fingers. It was easy to tell how close the blonde man was, screams raining from his lips and gorgeous erection twitching repeatedly, dripping precum onto Hoseok’s groin.

It was crazy, the proximity, the sounds both of them were making, the burning arousal that threatened to spill over and his lack of thoughts. He didn't have any thoughts.

Groaning, he rubbed at the sensitive spot as soon as he had the opportunity and sunk his teeth into Hyungwon's shoulder, twitching in the other man's hand and releasing himself with a loud moan of his name right after. Hoseok could hear the blonde man scream at the sensation in his neck and thighs squeezing his own tightly as Hyungwon finally gave up on holding back and allowed himself to topple over the edge, shivering uncontrollably afterwards. There was the sensation of something hot and wet on Hoseok’s stomach, but Hyungwon's lips on his stole his breath away first.

“Oh my god,” the gorgeous man whimpered and held onto him like he was a boulder he needed to remain stable.

“You're everything to me,” he whispered and hugged Hyungwon tightly after removing his fingers and wiping them off on the sheets. He didn't care about the mess and the amount of fluid, he just wanted to hold the beautiful, blonde man and to stay close no matter what. “I love you, summer child.”

“I- I love you too, so fucking much, I can't believe that I'm the one you chose among so many fucking people and all of them love your music and you and everything that there is, but somehow you picked me and my messy and incomprehensible self. I can't always think that I'm the biggest fan of your music because maybe you are the only reason to live for some people, but damn- to me it seems like whatever it is I'm in love with, it's there, true, a part of you at the very depths and-” Hyungwon blinked a few times before groaning loudly and burying his face in Hoseok’s shoulder. “You made me emotional after orgasming and now I probably don't make sense.”

“I think-” he started, before placing a kiss on top of the other man's blonde head. “I think that there is something I love about you, a core, something inherently yours. It was there ten years ago and it's right here right now while you sit on my lap looking beautiful and so fucking attractive while trying to explain yourself in your gorgeous low voice that manages to send shivers down my spine. You're like a part of me that I need to see real beauty. Thank you,” he whispered quietly and embraced Hyungwon even tighter, hoping that it never stopped.

 

 


	16. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can't have everything. It's time that you start working for what you want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 31st of March at 2 PM CET.
> 
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
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> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

It was so easy not to think, to jump head first off a mountain and listen to the rush of air next to his ear, to drown everything else out until his body pierced the surface of the water.

_It's so fucking easy._

Fading out thoughts and worries was surprisingly simple when there were so many things to take care of, concerts to organize, security to check, planes to ride on and finally pleasure to give in to. There was no reason to think or be worried, not when there was no time to do so.

_You're pretty good at letting other people worry for you._

It was easy to jump off a mountain and feel the rush, unless- there was no mountain. Now that he was lying in his own hotel bed, staring at the ceiling and having nothing to do since there was only one concert coming up, it was difficult to blur everything out.

He could have stayed curled up in Hoseok’s muscular arms, enjoying the heat, but a sudden nightmare that Hoseok had suffered through woke him up. There had been only low grunts and helpless whimpers of pain, no more. It was terrifying because the other man wouldn't wake up, no matter what Hyungwon did. He shook Hoseok, whispered in his ear, kissed his lips, did everything he could think of. Minutes kept passing until it had suddenly stopped, like the dream ended all on its own without Hyungwon being able to pull Hoseok from it.

_And then you returned to your room like a coward._

He hadn't left while Hoseok had suffered, trying to wake him up and continuously rubbing the tears from his eyes, but afterwards... he couldn't fall asleep. He had been scared that it would start again and he couldn't do anything about it.

_So, you came here to stare at the ceiling instead._

He hadn't written a single poem for a whole three weeks, nothing until the last evening when he watched a fan-cam of Hoseok telling a full concert hall what ‘Cave Me In’ meant to him. Hyungwon had tried to describe it in his poem, to give the feeling a name through words. Nobody had ever done something that meaningful for him, not even one of the celebrity guys he had dated. Sure, there were songs and dedications but nothing visible, nothing with a name, an explanation or an obvious confession. Hoseok appeared to be the first that didn't want to hide him and held their connection like a trophy in front of himself. It felt like Hyungwon understood, knew what it meant.

_Maybe all the others don't understand, but you do._

He understood the feelings and the underlying hurt and desperation, but he didn't understand the irrational fear. He couldn't grasp the nightmares, the hesitation and how helpless he was against whatever happened inside Hoseok’s mind.

_He said that he is underwater, but maybe swimming isn't enough?_

Hoseok was in a cage underwater and Hyungwon was the crazy one that jumped off the mountain to break the surface, forgetting about everything until he was right there, behind those bars and pulling at them helplessly, unprepared to break them even though he had promised.

_You need to know more, you're too unprepared. You have no idea what's going on apart from what he and Kihyun have told you. You can't just hang around and wait for magic to happen. Helping isn't just about being there and squeezing his hand, it doesn't help the nightmares._

Hyungwon wondered if Kihyun knew about the nightmares, but there was no way for the other man not to know. Maybe the manager knew what helped or at least ended them prematurely. The mere thought hurt that Hoseok was probably reliving what had happened to him. Suffering all over again even though years had passed.

_And tomorrow you are going to Manchester, his home town._

He instantly thought back to the beer in his fridge that had conjured a bright smile on Hoseok’s face. Maybe they could sneak out and drink some, hire a few bodyguards to keep fans at bay.

_You're being a little unrealistic again. People will talk._

His fingers itched to call somebody, to share his thoughts, but he didn't want to tell anybody about Hoseok’s issues. It was the other man's secret to tell and Kihyun had warned him to shut the fuck up about it. Hyungwon didn't need advice on the condition per se, he read shitloads about it to understand, but he just wanted to have a place to talk about his worries without getting slapped for thinking he had problems.

There's one person that always solved problems with a single snap of their fingers.

He couldn't really remember the last time he had dialed the number he was pressing into his phone, in the middle of the night like an inconsiderate asshole. He had learned it by heart in first grade even though he didn't need to. There had always been somebody next to him that knew, accompanying him everywhere he went.

The slow and regular beeping was pleasant as he lifted the receiver to his ear and paired the beeps with his breaths, wondering if she would pick up.

“ _Mon rayon de soleil?_ What happened, honey?” his mother's slightly rough voice sounded through the receiver. He must have woken her up in the middle of the night, like a shitty son.

“Just thought I'd call,” he murmured and blinked a few times, suddenly remembering how his mother had bought him dresses to show how supportive she was about his sexuality. Hyungwon had been furious back then, but now it was a little funny, a sign that she had tried.

“In the middle of the night? _Touché_. You should pay more attention to your sleep schedule. Your father told me you begged your uncle to go on a European tour. Are you enjoying it?” It was fascinating how quickly his mother got a grip and knew what the hell was going on. Hyungwon would have probably cited Rilke and attempted to end the call as quickly as possible.

“Y-yeah, it's really nice. It's my favorite artist.”

“I know, I saw the airport pictures! Your father was pushing a few buttons to not get involved with the media too much. You know how much he cares about publicity like that.” His mother sighed and Hyungwon could picture her angling her wrist at her forehead to look dramatic, she loved doing that.

“Yeah- thanks, I guess. I'm glad there isn't too much trouble with that.” It was a little bit of a lie because Hyungwon knew how capable his parents were in clearing up the rumors in a matter of seconds, making them disappear like they were never there. Apart from a few small accounts on Twitter that nobody ever talked about- maybe.

“But that's not the reason you disturbed my _sommeil de beauté_ , is it?” There was a low chuckle that sounded a lot like his and Hyungwon pictured his own face when he did that, hiding that he knew way more than he let on.

“Not really, I'm not too sure why I called, _maman_.”

“It's easy, boys like you call their mothers when they feel down, so you're probably feeling _triste_. But there is not really a reason to be down, is there? You're on a tour with that muscular singer you really like, being beautiful and bright like the sun as usual and making everybody fall for you! Isn't it what you love doing, honey? It's very exciting and you should enjoy it!”

His mother sounded like he lived off making people fall for him instead of finding mutual love. She was right about him falling quickly, but the process afterwards wasn't all that easy. Hoseok and him were still pretty complicated despite requited feelings.

“It's- I don't know. I haven't written anything for a long time, until yesterday and I feel like I'm losing myself a little in all of this. What do I want? I have no fucking idea anymore.”

_When you don't write you're just somebody, hanging in the air without thoughts and opinions._

Hyungwon missed sitting in the garden or rolling over sand on the Spanish beach.

“Watch your language,” his mother reprimanded and he heard her house shoes on his parents’ marble floors, followed by the sound of liquid entering a glass.

_She decided to drink a glass of wine._

“Hyungwon, darling, how can you be losing yourself in this situation? You can have everything you want, have you forgotten? If you don't like it anymore, just do something else. That's what you've always done, isn't it?” The woman on the other end of the line laughed briefly and Hyungwon could hear her sip on her drink. “If you're tired of the boy just leave and we'll take care of the rest. Singers don't stay famous for long anyway, I'm sure it'll get boring eventually.”

The words sounded harsh in his ears, but Hyungwon was pretty sure that he had heard them before. Had his reaction been the same back then? He couldn't really tell.

“I don't want to leave, I want to stop feeling helpless,” he replied and used his index finger and thumb to pull at his bottom lip, distracting himself from the disdain he felt at his mother's attitude.

“But you're anything but helpless, _mon cheri_.” He didn't need to see her face to know that she was smiling, one eyebrow raised. “Just say the words and it'll be exactly the way you wish for it to be.”

Hyungwon swallowed, eyes widening at the comment and the implications.

_She thinks your problem is something that she can influence, but it isn't._

It wasn't, for once it wasn't.

Hyungwon had always preferred to solve problems on his own, to try first before searching for help, but it was the first time that there was no real solution, even when he asked for help.

_It's not something that money and influence can solve. It's inside his head and you have to help him by yourself. You promised._

If only he had the right tools to break iron bars.

_

 

It was four hours before their next flight, too late to have a few hours of sleep and early enough to talk without feeling pressured by time.

Hyungwon wasn't somebody who cared much about personal distance and he felt pretty convinced that he had seen enough of Yoo Kihyun to be prepared for basically anything. Sliding a keycard into the provided slit, he opened the door to the managers hotel room and snuck in. It was dark and the other man was still asleep, curled up in his blanket, making him look like a blanket burrito.

Chuckling, he stepped closer and sat at the edge of the bed. It was probably creepy but everything else was at least just as creepy if not more.

_It's not like you're leaning over him, saying that you're the spirit of Christmas past, here to punish him for his crimes._

The thought was funny so he laughed again, almost forgetting that he wanted to talk about something rather dark and worrisome.

“Kihyun, hey, Yoo Kihyun,” he hissed without touching the grey-haired man.

There was a grunt and the grey-haired man turned around, trying to hide from his voice. It was a little funny because it resembled him, attempting to escape the source that threatened to disturb his sleep.

“Hey, Yoo Kihyun, wake up, I need to talk,” he said again, this time a little louder as he climbed on the bed to not let the manager escape in the layers of blanket. He was kinda cute even if he could look like a mass murderer.

“What the fuck do you want? Just go back to the hell you came from,” Kihyun muttered before turning to him and finally opening his black eyes. “What are you doing in my bed? Is it a new kind of nightmare? I didn't sign up for this shit.”

“You consider seeing me a nightmare? What the fuck is up with you guys?” Hyungwon exclaimed and pulled some of the blanket away from the other man. “I need to talk to you.”

“Marvelous, what about me? Did you consider what I want?” The grey-haired man sat up, letting the blanket pool at his thighs and stared at him.

“Fucking fine, what do you want?”

Hyungwon swallowed because the other man did have a point. There was nothing forcing him to talk to him about Hoseok. Kihyun could have also just kicked him out and continued sleeping peacefully, being a tiny thing wrapped in a blanket.

“It's about Hoseok, but- you’re right of course. If you really don't want to talk to me about that I'll leave again.” Licking over his lips, he glanced up to conceal his helplessness a little. “Unfortunately, there isn't really anybody apart from you to talk to about this. It's about nightmares.”

“He was having nightmares again?” Kihyun's facial expression softened visibly and he sighed. “You can talk to me about this, you must be scared.”

“Why- why doesn't he wake up? It makes no sense. I- I tried every fucking thing, Kihyun. You don't even want to know.” Hyungwon briefly covered his face with his palm as he remembered the way Hoseok was shaking uncontrollably, whimpering a little in fear and didn't stop, no matter what. “It must be torture. I want to know what to do, it's- it's so fucking terrifying.”

“I'm sorry- but there isn't much you can do. He told me that he's taking only half of his usual dosage because of a new therapy Lauren wanted to try. It's probably going to happen more often. There was a time where we slept in one bed for months because he would get nightmares once or twice a night. He's also more aware now, it must be hard on him.” The grey-haired man brushed through his messy hair and leaned back on his arms, staring at the ceiling. “It's no fun, Hyungwon, that's why I honestly didn't want you two to get involved with each other. He's ill and it's not something that is easy to deal with.”

“But I want to learn, I really like him, Kihyun, you can't even imagine,” Hyungwon whispered and watched the expression on Kihyun's face. The other man had seen it for years, probably since it started and he was able to deal with it, to act accordingly. Why shouldn't Hyungwon be able to? He could live without a lot of things, be it sex or whatever it was that made Hoseok uncomfortable. They had made so much progress already and gotten much closer than before, so close that it didn't even feel like there was much separating them anymore.

_Unless the nightmares are your fault._

“Are- are the nightmares because of reduced meds or… because of something I did?”

“I'm not a psychologist, I don't know. I guess it's always a combination of different factors. Lauren said and my experience tells me that there's is probably something stressing him out in addition to reduced medication and he reacts like this. In any case it's stupid to think that it's because of you, because even if you did or said something triggering, it's his associations and thoughts that are the reason for his misery.” The long, black eyes settled on his face as Kihyun leaned forward and fisted the blanket. “Are you- are you okay? Because being next to a person who suffers so much takes its toll on your own outlook and mental health. There were a few times during our friendship where I had to get counselling too. And take pills. It's just how it is.”

_It could affect you too?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened at the comment, at the fact that seeing somebody else suffer could hurt and affect your senses.

“I- I guess. I called my mom, but that doesn't have to mean I'm losing my shit. Not really at least. What-” he swallowed because it was an intimate question, “what made you stay despite everything?”

“I guess I'm hopelessly in love with the beautiful colorful core that's hidden under all that terrifying and heavy blackness. In a platonic way, of course. We knew each other before it happened and sometimes- sometimes I can still see it and so I have the hope that he can- someday overcome it and stop thinking about the past. But it's his choice, I can't force him.” A sad smile appeared on the other man's usually very stern or irrationally friendly face.

The childish burst of jealousy disappeared as quickly as it had appeared as Hyungwon fucked the fact that he didn't really know the man in front of him and put an arm around his naked shoulders. He was only good with words when it was about poems and writing took thought and effort.

“I think I can see it too. It pulls me in and makes me want to treasure it, like a tiny spark that comes out when he laughs brightly like a monkey and wrinkles his eyes. There is so much to it and I feel like my words will never be enough to do it justice, no matter how many poems I write.” He closed his eyes for a few seconds, remembering the expression on Hoseok’s face when he had talked to the crowd, the way his curved lips trembled briefly. “I want to help him so much, but I keep worrying about doing the wrong thing. First I thought avoiding triggers is good, then I saw it's the opposite and that he advances so quickly. Now- now I hope that I'm helping instead of making it worse. I don't want to be greedy either, I just want him happy.”

“I want him happy too, but I can't remember the last time that I could say for sure that he was. I'm doing my best to keep him busy even though it tires him out. But he doesn't have time to drown in negative thoughts, so it's a good thing I guess.” There was another sigh as Kihyun turned to the side, probably getting emotional and not wanting him to see.

“I- I’ve seen him happy a lot recently,” Hyungwon replied quietly. He didn’t really know why he was saying it. It wasn’t to promote him as a good influence or anything, it merely seemed like something that Kihyun might have liked to hear, to encourage him. “I have a really big garden, we sat there together. He sang and I read him poems. Hoseok- he seemed really happy.”

“I'm glad. But it must be horrendous to go back to the terrifying status quo. I'm feeling positive because he told me that he will continue treatment. Let's see.” Pulling the blanket to the side, Kihyun sat on the edge of the bed and looked around. “I guess I'll pack then.”

_Continuing treatment is the best decision. You have to support him in that._

Hyungwon hummed, still sitting on the bed that was way too spacious for one person. It made him think.

“Don’t you have… somebody? You know- love and tomatoes as they say in Russia.”

“Hoseok's female fans usually try hard to impress me, but I have no life, this job is consuming all of my time so there's only a little fun here and there, but nothing more. It was similar with Hoseok. Until recently, that is.” The other man slipped into his jeans and started folding clothes to put them into his suitcase.

Hyungwon simply watched the way one piece of clothing followed the next, neatly folded and placed into the suitcase as if the manager knew exactly where they belonged. He couldn’t relate, to either.

“I’m somebody who dates a lot, I guess. I don’t really like sex when there is nothing going on, no tension, no emotion, nothing. It’s like fucking a bread roll. Or an apple pie. Have you seen American Pie? Where the dude pokes his fingers into that apple pie to fuck it?” It was typical of him to say whatever, hating the quiet. He had to say something when nobody did.

“Don't traumatize me, kid,” Kihyun hissed and put on a black button down. “There is nothing I can do about that because I have no time to form any kind of relationship.”

“But listen up, grandpa. Isn’t it the same for Hoseok? He’s also busy as fuck, touring and whatever, but also falling in love. Butterflies and all.” Hyungwon shrugged and poked Kihyun’s blanket with his toes, sitting around lazily and watching the other man run through his room. “How old are you anyway to call me kid?”

“I'm twenty-eight. Oh no wait, today I turned twenty-nine. I'm sad to disappoint you so early, but you feel awesome because you're on tour, seeing each other every day. Wait until we're back and Hoseok starts therapy. It'll be very hard, hard and frustrating. No butterflies, just tears, lack of communication and alcohol.” Sighing, the older man closed his suitcase.

“I think I’m way too positive for this,” Hyungwon muttered and pursed his lips. He felt a little angry at Kihyun for making it seem like he was about to go through hell. That is until he remembered the day when Hoseok fainted and hadn’t reacted to his calls, messages or visits and Kihyun came to ask about managing the tour.

_You wouldn’t have seen him until now otherwise._

“Fuck,” he cursed and pulled his legs under his butt, face remaining scrunched up from the thoughts that were coursing through his head. “Suddenly I want an extra key to his apartment.”

_Kihyun just told you it’s his birthday, you ignorant bastard._

“Shit, happy birthday! Is there something you would like? How can you just go through life like there is nothing to it? You should celebrate, go for drinks, buy something nice! I don’t know what you even like.” His voice was loud as he elaborated. Hyungwon tried to think of something but only ‘Hoseok’ and ‘silence’ came to mind.

“I can't remember the last time I celebrated. I like it when I don't have crazy fans on my ass and when Hoseok is remotely okay. Go pack, otherwise you'll run around like a mantis on amphetamines, spreading stress.” Kihyun pointed at the door and couldn't hide a grin at his own insult.

Hyungwon’s eyes narrowed as he slowly pushed his butt off the bed, standing in front of Kihyun in all his glorious height.

“As you wish, lil’ one,” he replied with a grin and rested his arm on Kihyun’s shoulders. It was the perfect height. “So, you want me to get rid of crazy fans? Do you want people to talk less or what exactly is your goal? Push down the rumors? Have less people at the airport? Be specific here.”

“Just pack and don't touch Hoseok in public,” Kihyun hissed and slapped his hand away. “And- don't be scared, I think Hoseok is terrified enough for us both.”

Smiling at the reassurance, Hyungwon turned around and made his way to the door. He didn’t really care whether Kihyun wanted something or not. Birthdays deserved to be celebrated and if somebody knew what the snarky grey-haired man liked then it was probably Hoseok.

_Only one way to find out._

_

 

Hyungwon plastered a smile on his lips as he leaned over to Hoseok’s gorgeous big and protruding ear and blew into it, waiting for the blue-haired man to wake up and listen to him. He was somehow happy that he had managed to sneak back into Hoseok’s room and pretend that he hadn’t run away in the middle of the night. It was cowardly and he still felt rather bad about it. Like he abandoned the singer right when he felt the worst.

“Wake up,” he whispered and licked along the shell.

There was nothing until history repeated itself and he was caught by Hoseok's naked body, arms and legs curling around him and pressing the air out of his lungs.

He coughed a few times in the attempt to remember what air felt like before pulling at Hoseok’s hair to return awareness to the other man’s mind.

“Hoseok, you’re- squishing me,” he forced out and lifted his knee in between Hoseok’s legs just in case nothing else worked. He was going to become an expert at this. It seemed to be a respectable goal, exciting and all.

The embrace loosened a little and he felt lips against his neck.

“I dreamt that you left me,” the other man whispered.

_Shit._

Hyungwon tried to figure out what was worse, to admit that he had gotten scared or pretend that nothing had happened.

_But what if you lie and he finds out later, isn’t that worse?_

His father had always said that one could only lie when the alibi was perfect and planned through, not due to discomfort. It had to be perfectly organized and this time it sure as hell wasn’t.

“I thought you dreamt something different. You- didn’t seem okay and didn’t wake up,” he whispered instead of commenting. He needed more time to think about what to say.

“I got blessed by a wrecking ball of everything that terrifies me,” Hoseok muttered in reply and buried his face in the crook of his neck.

_And you left right after._

“I- I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep. I went to my room after that, staring at the ceiling and afterwards I annoyed Kihyun. I didn’t really leave you though, I wouldn’t. I just went to think and reflect a little, call my mom like a baby.” He swallowed, feeling better now that he said it. His heart still beat fast, anticipating something bad happening while he thought of a safe topic that was distracting enough. “Did you know that it’s his birthday today?”

“Mhm, I do. My memory sucks, but I remember his birthday better than my own.” He felt a smile against his skin as Hoseok's hands stroked over his clothed back. “I'm scary, I know it. I've seen Kihyun suffer next to me for so many years, I would never blame you for leaving me.”

“The point is not whether you would blame me. The point is that I don’t want to,” Hyungwon huffed and shook his head to emphasize it. He was definitely not leaving, fuck Kihyun’s premonitions and witch-like assumptions of suffering and terrible things happening. He was able to stay attached for years after meeting Hoseok for the first time, so he was going to manage afterwards too. He was pretty stubborn. “Hoseok, this might seem a little random, but is there something that Kihyun likes? I want to give him a present, that’s what one does on birthdays, but I don’t know him well enough. He just told me to stay away from you in public, however, that is not a decent present.”

“He lost his noise cancelling headphones. He usually wears them when he works or when he’s had enough of everything, blasting ballads and indie rock until he feels okay again. He'd be really happy, I think.” Leaning back, Hoseok kissed him once. “How about you, don't you miss home?”

“Stinky old London?” Hyungwon laughed loudly. “I miss my garden, but I miss the beach in Spain more. Why do you think I always leave London after work, trying to find a nice and lonely place to enjoy nature and come up with poems? Describing trees or whatever. Oh god, I totally have to show you this one tree in Potten End! It looks like a teeny tiny dick with way too big balls. I laughed so hard when I saw it and decided to spare humanity the suffering of listening to a poem about it. Not like anyone actually listens of course, but you know- figuratively.” Hyungwon laughed again and gestured at Hoseok to get up and collect all his stuff. “You know- I miss the beach in France the most, but my parents haven’t taken me along since I started working. How about you? Do you miss Manchester? Are you looking forward to going there?”

“No,” Hoseok whispered, hands shivering a little against his lower back.

_He doesn't?_

“What- why? I thought you love the beer and are all nostalgic about it? I hoped that we could have one, hidden from sneaky eyes.”  Hyungwon's eyes widened in surprise and he sat up on the edge of the bed.

“That's- that's because I have to go somewhere with Lauren, but I don't want to. I hate it, I even fainted when she told me.” The shivering got worse, as the other man tried to hide his face.

_Where would she want to go with him?_

Hyungwon had a vague idea, probably a place that remotely resembled his holiday home in France and made Hoseok faint. Not a good place.

“Why- why does she want to go there with you?” he asked and examined Hoseok’s face carefully. He wanted to make sure the other man was okay and possibly that had already been a question too much.

“To make me remember. But I don't want to remember.” The other man's body was rigid, holding onto him desperately.

_That's enough, don't make him faint. He hates it._

Hyungwon hummed and massaged along Hoseok’s scalp with his fingers, applying just the right amount of pressure to distract while still being pleasant.

“Do you think you'll also have time to drink Manchester beer with me? I'll pretend that I like it and maybe you can show me where you grew up.”

“Yes. If I'll be able to. I scheduled it after the concert so I'll definitely be able to perform. After that, I don't know.”

“I- I could pick you up. If you want me to that is…”

“I don't want to be scary. Not to you.” Hoseok's voice was barely a whisper.

“But why would you be scary to me? I saw you faint, I saw you have nightmares. I'm still here, aren't I?” Hyungwon smiled and tightened his embrace. He wanted Hoseok to feel safe with him. “It's okay, I want you to feel good and if you like me around then I'd like to be there. Maybe I can cheer you up with shitty beer, no offense.”

“I like it, it tastes bitter, like my life,” Hoseok chuckled suddenly. “You don't know because you're summer and it never meets winter.”

“Bitterness? I do know bitterness!” Hyungwon exclaimed and pouted a little. “I like my coffee bitter, but sometimes I add milk too, when everything else is already bitter enough. I can sweeten it up for you, just like milk does.” He grinned and leaned in to lick over Hoseok’s lips. Kihyun would punch them for wasting time, but alas, Hyungwon was really good at it. He had to use his talents.

“I don't like milk. But it's true- you looked like bubble gum cotton candy when I saw you for the first time. And thinking about it, you were so professional, even though you were a fan. When I had a nightmare today- I wasn't sure what was real and there was the possibility that I'd made you up and would wake up. I honestly preferred to stay in the nightmare if it meant that you were part of my world, even though you left. In my dream.” Looking to the side, Hoseok elaborated as if nothing was wrong before a tear rolled down his cheek.

Hyungwon's eyes widened at the sight and his chest clenched, as if somebody grabbed right through his ribs and began squeezing his heart painfully. It was heartbreaking to know that Hoseok would have preferred to remain surrounded by terrible occurrences and fear only because that world had Hyungwon.

_How come you have become that important?_

“Shh, don't cry. I'm here and I'm real, you don't need the nightmare to be next to me,” he whispered and stroked over Hoseok’s hair again, attempting to calm him down. The blue strands were like silk under his fingertips, slipping smoothly in between his fingers. “I'm glad you still remember me from back then, even though the color was the side effect of purple hair. It washed out and turned pink. I hated it a little because it made me look like a fucking princess. But you have no idea how happy I was that you remembered my name back then. It was the biggest gift ever. Also, you're worried about fainting? I thought I was going to fucking faint when I saw you in person, knees turning into jelly and all that, fuck my life.”

The beautiful man wiped away his own tears and smiled beautifully.

“I'm still waiting for you to be disappointed. In me. But you make me feel so good, so I'm selfishly hoping that you won't be. I need to fix myself quickly, even though I don't even know if I can be fixed. But I'll try my best. I promise.”

Hyungwon stared, eyes meeting the black orbs that were Hoseok’s. It was ridiculous that Hoseok thought he was going to be disappointed, the only disappointing thing was how little time the other man had for him. But that wasn't even the point. The point were the words afterwards, the desire to go to therapy and get better, to improve. The motivation for it was what caught Hyungwon's attention, fingers shaking a little and lips parting.

_He's doing it for you._

 

***

 

 

Marcia buttoned up his white, semi-transparent shirt and left a big part of his chest uncovered, smirking at him in satisfaction.

“Really?” he asked, not expecting any answer because she was the boss when it came to clothes and his style, so he simply let it happen. It was shortly before his last song and he felt his heartbeat pick up quickly from the thought of what was about to come afterwards.

“You look amazing, Hoseok. Isn't it amazing to sing in front of so many people from your hometown? In such a huge venue? You must be so excited,” the black-haired woman exclaimed as she fixed his hair, using hairspray to make it stay in place.

“Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

It was horrifying. He knew that he was going to go to the place he had avoided for so many years, even though the vividness of his memories was exhausting. Still, he was O-NO and he had to perform, no matter how he felt.

_You have to do it, Hoseok. You have to do it for him._

The cheering got so loud that it was impossible to talk and he nodded at Marcia, before running to the lift under the stage.

_Just imagine him caving you in._

The music started and he closed his eyes, remembering Hyungwon's beautiful smile as he looked at him while they lay on the grass next to each other. There had been so much emotion in those eyes back then, even though they didn't really know each other. Hyungwon still saw him as precious and wanted to spend time with him.

The song flowed like water from his lips and he wished that he could've seen the other man's beautiful face and look into his big, chestnut-brown eyes while singing.

_You can't have everything. It's time that you start working for what you want._

It was time for the ending-ment and he struggled with words, his thoughts were either circling around Hyungwon or around his later appointment with Lauren.

“A long time ago, on a sandy beach, there was a person. That person told me that they liked my voice and that it made them soar, fly, spread their wings. It was weird because the person had already been flying, watching over me and spreading warmth with every action and every word. I was really happy back then, happy and in love with summer.” Looking into the crowd, he smiled.

“I am here with you now because of that. What you don't know is that the person writes poems. Beautiful words that make you forget who you are and drown in the expressions and pictures that they are able to create. Back then, ten years ago, I heard it for the first time. Please keep quiet and let it sink in,” he whispered and closed his eyes, concentrating on his memory to recollect correctly.

 

“I am almost ready now, a cloud  
Inside of me the raindrops have already  
Condensed, only the lightness of a doubt  
Suspends them in me still, afloat, unsteady  


Give me but a moment now and I  
Dissolve entirely and soar no more  
I am all fall, I tumble from the sky  
Towards your desert skin and thirst and sore  


I permeate you, find the hidden seed  
And we explode with life, with greening greed  
You were a desert, I was summer rain  


Our bliss is short, forgetfulness must fade  
I miss the sky, I must evaporate  
And be a cloud to fall for you again.”

 

_You still feel the same. Even more. So much more._

“You who created this, I love you more than I love life and I really want to put this poem to music if you will let me, summer child,” he whispered and stood up, bowing to his audience and holding back tears. “Thank you so much for coming and for sharing this moment with me today. I love you guys.”

It was hard to see when he walked back and Marcia wiped the tears from his eyes and removed the makeup quickly, thinking that he got emotional because of it being his last concert. It was okay, it was enough that he knew and he hoped that Hyungwon had seen his sincerity in it.

_Because you need him to know that you care._

_

 

“You didn't take your meds, right? Take this, it's a beta blocker, it'll help you relax and probably prevent a physical response. I'll be next to you and you don't have to be scared. It's okay, even if you faint or dissociate, but we will manage. I promise.” Lauren parked her black Honda somewhere he couldn't see, because he had kept his eyes closed all the time.

_This is fucking terrifying._

“I know that you're scared, but you have no reason to be anymore. It happened a long time ago, to a child that you are not anymore, you're not helpless anymore and you can learn to see all of this as a memory that doesn't have to affect your view on life.” A warm palm pressed a pill into his own while his therapist was talking.

He kept silent as he swallowed the medication and leaned back, concentrating on his breathing.

“There are different people living in this house now and he's still in jail. He'll be there until he's very old because you weren't the only one. You're safe and you can start talking about it because you deserve to consciously understand what happened to you and that it doesn't have anything to do with you now. Your brain is telling you that you're in danger, but you aren't, Hoseok. Tell me about a really nice memory first, something that you are really happy about.”

He opened his eyes and looked at the blue jeans Lauren was wearing. Lifting his gaze slowly, over the white silky blouse, he focused on the familiar face. Wrinkles around the blue eyes and make-up covered eyelids, a warm smile and lose strands of blonde hair framing the round face.

_She wants to help you. You should help her too._

“Hyungwon. He always manages to show me that life is not only suffocating blackness. There's warmth surrounding him and he makes me feel warm too. I want to get better for him,” he murmured, fingers digging into his jeans.

“Mhm, but actually you should get better for yourself, Hoseok. Even if there was no Hyungwon, you deserve to be happy and to feel free of fear. We will get you better and then work on your self-esteem. How's your heartbeat?”

He lifted his hand and pressed a finger to his jugular vein, tracing his pulse. It was surprisingly slow.

“Okay? I guess.” Lifting his gaze, he saw the big, white villa, it was huge, but not as big as he remembered it to be. He expected his heartbeat to pick up and his breaths to get stuck inside his throat, but none of it happened. He just stared at the white house with the big windows, asking himself what he was supposed to feel.

 _Shouldn’t you be scared?_ He didn’t know, but the fear didn’t come.

_  


Sitting on the grass in front of the lake in Corlton Water Park, he remembered his childhood, the countless times he had made a fire, even though he wasn’t allowed to. How Kihyun and him had sang songs together in the night while the coals lit their faces in a gentle reddish blush, making them seem even younger than they were.

_Your life consists of so many memories. Why is it only the painful ones that you keep next to you?_

He smiled at the thought and threw a pebble into the lake, disturbing the perfect surface and forcing countless rings to slide over the water before everything returned back to how it was.

_Maybe it’s the same with you. It was just a stone thrown into the lake, and you just have to let it go for the impact to fade eventually._

Hoseok closed his eyes and leaned back, letting the cold grass tickle his nape, as he listened to the sounds of birds and steps of people passing by, even though it was late already.

Soft steps became louder instead of disappearing like the rest of them. A shadow fell over him, blocking some of the setting sun until it shone on his face again.

“It's pretty here,” Hyungwon whispered as he sat down next to him and smiled brightly. The blonde man wasn't looking at him, big eyes focused on the sunset and profile illuminated by the light.

“It is. I spent my childhood here. First with Kihyun and a guitar and then with Kihyun and beer.” Smiling, he stared at the other man’s beautiful profile with his round nose and thick lips. It was like Deja vu from the first time they met ten years ago. It seemed as if Hyungwon didn’t change at all. Besides the different color of his hair.

“It's a really nice park for a child. I would have loved it here. I can already imagine myself climbing up that tree,” Hyungwon pointed at a rather big oak a few meters away from them with thick branches, “and pretend to be an ethereal being that lives in trees and blesses people with sweets because my pockets were always full, trying to make friends. I'd give kids sweets and hope they'd be friends with me. You were really easy, offering me beer without wanting anything in return.”

“I still don’t want anything in return. It’s because I think that I don’t have anything to give, but Lauren keeps telling me that it’s because my self-esteem sucks.” He hesitated to reach for Hyungwon’s palm that rested on the grass right next to him, but shook his head, remembering his therapist’s words and placed his cold hand on top of Hyungwon’s warm one. “How have you been?”

“During the past few hours?” Hyungwon chuckled. “I looked at the city, had mixed feelings about its beauty but still felt thankful because it gave me you. Kind of.” The blonde man was still laughing as he suddenly turned towards him, red rays of sunlight playing on the features of his face. Big palms grabbed his face and held onto it while chestnut brown eyes stared at his. “For the record. She's right. Your self-esteem is low and actually you're fucking amazing and everybody should be kissing you. Actually- scratch that. I should be kissing you and the others- well they can dance around you or something, occupy themselves.”

Hyungwon let go of his face, not squishing his cheeks anymore.

“Maybe we should look more like friends. I can already feel Kihyun breathing down my neck.” The gorgeous man shuddered and brushed through his hair. Every movement of his looked so easy and natural, like he knew exactly how he looked, blonde strands covering his forehead and moving a little in the wind.

“It’s just a house,” he murmured, returning his gaze to the calm surface of the lake before he threw another pebble, disrupting the perfection.

“It is,” Hyungwon echoed and watched the way Hoseok drew lines on the calm lake. “How was it?”

_How was it?_

“I don’t know, a little- underwhelming? I expected something, fear or turmoil, but there was nothing. Just a house. A white house, smaller than I remembered it to be and also less scary. Also, I’m not allowed to take my meds anymore because I take different ones for the prolonged exposure therapy. Lauren talked a lot, but she always does and I talked about you because apparently I’m not able to talk about anything else.” Smiling, he turned to Hyungwon, watching the other man’s face intently. He was beautiful, really beautiful, like a fairy who had come to save him.

_Make sure to not tell him, he’ll laugh in your face._

“Talking? That's the soft version. It gets serious when you can't think about anything else. I've reached the point where I sit at a cafe and draw shitty versions of your face on my napkin because I can't draw even if there is a gun against my head.” Pursing his lips, Hyungwon intertwined their fingers, so that it wasn't really visible at a distance. “I'm really proud of you though, makes me want to snuggle you until you beg me to let go.”

“But I don’t want you to let go. Ever.”

Hoseok sighed loudly and put his arm behind his head, leaning on it to see better.

_You wanted to ask him, remember?_

“I wanted to ask you something,” he started, licking over his lips nervously.

“Go ahead,” the blonde man replied and smiled encouragingly. Hyungwon's fingers squeezed his own in three separate pumps. “Just keep in mind that I'd much rather be alone with you. My chest is bursting from all this piled up emotion but I'm a little scared of Kihyun, so I'm not doing anything. I like you too fucking much, so trust me, it's hard not to touch you...”

_Do it._

“Do you… want to sleep with me?” he finally asked, heart beating against his ribcage as if trying to jump out and run away.

He could see Hyungwon's eyes widen as he turned towards him, lips parting to reply but not releasing a sound apart from a soft exhale.

“I- well- will it… be bad if I… do? A lot?” the blonde man asked hesitantly. He must have been terrified of admitting to it, tiptoeing around him while the look in his eyes already told Hoseok that the answer was a vibrant ‘yes’.

“Why?” he asked instead of reacting to the other man’s hesitation and tried to reduce the tension in his muscles by relaxing them forcefully.

“W-why I want to?” Hyungwon asked back and let go of his palm to gesture broadly in the air, a mass of circles and grand motions that didn't really make sense. “Because- well- it feels amazing and I love you, so I want to be close, as close as possible. You know- like- feel you inside me, have you moan because of me, feel ecstatic. It's different when you really like someone and I want to experience it with you. Also- ehm- since we're being honest and all… you're kinda big, so you won't even need to try all that hard to make me go crazy. I'll need a damn cockring to not come after three thrusts but I'll love every second. I fucked myself with a toy imagining it was you. The facts.”

_Oh god._

“You- damn it.” He really wasn’t prepared, he never was, not for the gorgeous blonde man who just stomped over his fake confidence and made him understand that he knew nothing.

“I- I also want to sleep with you,” he whispered, cheeks burning like fire and voice shaking. “I am really no good and might faint and whatnot, but I really want to.”

A bright smile spread Hyungwon's lips, eyes shining a little as he leaned closer.

“You will be amazing, Hoseok, don't worry about it. You can leave everything to me if you like,” the blonde man replied, face rivaling the sun. “Even if you faint, it's okay. We can figure this out.” Suddenly Hyungwon gasped and covered his face with his palm, breath hitching.

“Fuck, you can't just tell me that and expect me to be okay, I'm already emotional and want to cry.”

“You- you want to cry because I want to sleep with you? But why?” He sat up and stared at Hyungwon's face, scared that the other man might really cry because of something he said.

“What? God- no, I get hard thinking about sleeping with you. No- the crying it's- cause of what you did today. You…you read out my poem. You even knew it by heart. You- fuck.” The expression on Hyungwon's face transformed quickly, starting with surprise and fascination and finishing with tears that ran down his cheeks, just like that in a matter of seconds.

“No- no, oh god, I'm sorry, please don't cry. I just love it so much, I want to put it to music, but if you don't want me to, I won’t release it. You're everything to me, I love you so much, Hyungwon,” he whispered, before fucking the fact that he was in public and kissing the other man's tears away before finishing with his plump, red lips that tasted like cherry.

The blonde man whimpered and pressed both of his palms against Hoseok’s chest. “You idiot, there is nothing that would make me happier than you using something that came from my mind and turning it into music. Fuck- I'm sorry for crying it's just- nobody ever gives much of a shit about my poetry but you always do. It's crazy to me. You're the first and the only one.”

“It makes me feel as if there's still beauty in life, it's the most precious gift, your mind is so beautiful, I want to kiss it.” Jumping up, he pulled Hyungwon along until the other man stood on his feet. “Let's go, it's our last night on tour. Let's celebrate.”

Hyungwon laughed loudly while rubbing over his eyes to get rid of the tears.

“Won't Kihyun kill us?” the blonde man asked and giggled as if it was something exciting. “I'd take you to a club and show you how I can move my hips, but people will probably recognize you.”

“Probably, definitely. But we can party in my hotel room with marshmallows and Champagne.” Hoseok winked and licked over his lips, murmuring ‘naked’ right after.

“I like how you think, Mr. Lee,” Hyungwon purred and pinched his side, still giggling excitedly. The other man seemed free like a bird, pulling Hoseok along with him and almost running towards the exit of the park. “Fuck, I'm so happy I could puke rainbows.”

He felt happy, really happy as he let himself be dragged. It seemed as if everything would be alright as long as Hyungwon was next to him.

“Puke them over me, I really need them.”

The cab arrived after a few minutes and he pulled his black cap over his eyes to keep from being recognized as he glanced at Hyungwon who sat right next to him on the back seat.

“The Lowry, please,” he said and licked over his lips, not able to suppress a smile.

Hyungwon only grinned as he leaned back and spread his legs a little. “Can't wait,” he mouthed and squeezed Hoseok’s thigh with his big hand.

After some long minutes of listening to his own song on the radio and trying to touch Hyungwon without the taxi driver noticing, they finally arrived and he paid with his visa card, climbing out and waiting for Hyungwon to follow.

“Give me fifteen minutes and I'll be with you,” the blonde man remarked as they entered the hotel and pressed the silver elevator button. “I need to take care of something before we can spill champagne and eat marshmallows off each other's bodies.”

“I want it,” was his unmonitored answer as his executive functions seemed to vanish with every passing second. “I'll wait for you and get the champagne. I'll tell Kihyun that I'm okay.”

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, but nodded at him with a smile. Slipping into the elevator next to a businessman and an excited couple, the blonde man pressed their floor, remaining quiet throughout the trip.

Once they arrived at their floor, Hyungwon pressed his palm to his lips and blew him a kiss before stopping at the door to his hotel room.

“Me too, I want it too,” he whispered and slipped through the light brown door.

He almost fucked up and slid his credit card through the lock, before remembering that he was an idiot and pulling out his key card.

_Call Kihyun._

Right.

Dialing the familiar number, he waited for the low voice.

“Oh god, are you okay, Hoseok? Should I pick you up somewhere? Lauren said that it went well? God, I'm so fucking worried.” Kihyun immediately managed to make him feel bad.

_You're being a selfish ass again._

“I'm sorry, I was trying to collect my thoughts. I'm fine. Aren't you mad because of the concert?”

“Listen- at this point I'm just happy that you aren't hanging around on some bridge being suicidal like that one time- where are you?” the low voice asked in a serious tone.

He hesitated for a few seconds before answering, and let his leather jacket fall to the ground.

“I'm in my room. But- Hyungwon wanted to come over, so I guess I'll be busy tonight.”

There was silence and a sigh, shuffling and a door closing.

“I'm glad. Have fun,” his best friend whispered and hung up.

He felt like shit.

_But he'll come in a bit._

Sighing loudly, he forced the uncomfortable thoughts to the back and undressed quickly, slipping under the shower and washing himself thoroughly.

_The tour is over, Hoseok. You'll go back to the way it was. But you still have to do therapy._

“I seem to have superb timing,” Hyungwon suddenly commented from the door, voice cheerful. “You look as gorgeous as ever.”

_Oh god._

He almost slipped in the shower, getting an adrenaline kick from the sudden appearance.

“Do you want me dead?” he asked, trying to catch his breath.

“Of course not! Are you accusing me of necrophilia?!” Hyungwon exclaimed and wiggled his arms, actions blurred through the glass walls of the shower. “Did I scare you? God- I'm sorry. Did you know that shitloads of accidents happen at home and the most famous example is getting your dick squished between the shower doors? Don't do that, I know somebody who did and he fucking cried.”

“Wh- what?” He turned off the shower and opened the door, letting the steam escape and finally being able to focus on the blonde man who was only wearing tight, ripped jeans and leaning against the wall, one leg bent at the knee.

“Sorry, I don't stop talking when I'm excited. I even found a marshmallow already,” Hyungwon announced and squeezed the candy between his fingers, grinning suggestively.

“You look better than the marshmallow,” he heard himself say, as he was smart enough to grab a towel and wrap it around his hips.

“I look better naked,” Hyungwon replied and opened the button of his jeans lazily, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear. The other man lifted the marshmallow to his lips and licked over it, smiling a little. “But do I taste as good as the marshmallow? You'd have to compare to find out.”

_He's making you go crazy._

Hoseok exhaled and licked over his lips slowly, catching a drop that flowed down. Stepping closer, he let his fingers slip under the towel, gaze focusing on Hyungwon's smooth skin and the lines of his toned stomach. He wanted to eat the blonde man like a candy.

The gaze in Hyungwon's brown eyes darkened as the pupil spread out, showing how arousing the sight must have been.

“Touch yourself,” the low voice whispered as the blonde man licked over the marshmallow again, covering half of it with his plump lips. “I want to see it.”

Slipping his fingers lower, he let the towel fall to the ground as he curled his hand around his half hard dick and stroked it a few times, letting out a hiss. Hoseok kept his gaze on Hyungwon's face, eating him up hungrily.

“Fuck,” was the breathy reply as Hyungwon's right hand immediately slipped into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a small black ring. The other man didn't waste much time as he held his breath and pulled his jeans down. Clasping the ring around the base of his dick, Hyungwon shivered at the sensation and finally let out a deep gush of air. There was a brief twitch as the other man's beautifully straight erection grew to its full size, responding to him. “You're so fucking hot, Hoseok. You have no idea how many times I have imagined riding you like a fucking pony.”

“You want to ride me? Maybe that's a good idea considering that I don't know shit. It would be different if you were a woman. I would've taken you on all fours, but I doubt that it's any good.” Thrusting into his own hand, he threw his head back and groaned, imagining Hyungwon on all fours and wiggling his firm ass right in his face.

“Both,” Hyungwon gasped suddenly and wrapped his hand around his arm, basically throwing him against the wall. “We'll do both because- fuck. I want you to fuck me into the mattress so bad. It's almost the same Hoseok, just like fucking a woman, you only need to find the right spot, so- please. Fucking please.” Plump lips covered his own, followed by Hyungwon's lower body that pressed against his own, pulling a loud moan from the other man's mouth.

“I want you. I want you so bad, I can't think about anything else, I want to eat you like a candy and to let you fuck me up like I know you can,” he hissed into the kiss and curled his arms around Hyungwon's slim waist. God it was such a kink, he couldn't get enough.

“Then rip these stupid jeans off me and carry me where you want me, babe,” Hyungwon gasped and licked over his chin and curved lips, slim hips rolling against his own.

There was nothing he wanted more, so he dropped to his knees and took Hyungwon's erection into his mouth, licking and sucking on it while his hands pulled down the other man's jeans hastily. It was so fucking hot when the blonde man threw his head back and moaned his name, long fingers pulling at his hair without a break. Hyungwon barely managed to lift his legs to step out of his jeans. “Fuck, you still have to prepare me, if you blow me, I'll just jump you raw.”

“What- what do you need? Tongue, fingers? I'll give you everything, just tell me what,” he babbled after letting Hyungwon's length slip out of his mouth and looked up while licking the saliva from his lips.

“F-fingers,” Hyungwon stuttered, caught off guard by Hoseok’s face until he finally got a hold of himself again, mouth remaining open. “Fingers because it's faster, you use a few to prepare me for your dick and to make sure that it feels fucking amazing. I can't fucking wait, can't you just-” The gorgeous man whimpered and Hoseok could see his dick twitch again, right in his face.

He stood up quickly and grabbed Hyungwon's thighs, lifting him and walking into the spacious room. The designer lamp over the bed created a gorgeous atmosphere, but he wasn't in the mood to enjoy it if there was a naked Hyungwon in his arms, gorgeous and ready to be touched by him.

_He wants you to. He told you he wants you._

As soon as Hoseok let the blonde man's back touch the sheets, he turned to get the lube out of his luggage. He was smart enough to put it on top so there was less time searching and more time for playing.

_He likes it when you're playful, he said so._

Narrowing his gaze, Hoseok licked over his lips torturously slowly as he opened the bottle and started covering his fingers with the transparent liquid. His body was in really good shape after dancing so much during the performance, so he hoped that Hyungwon enjoyed the sight of him being naked.

The blonde man had his mouth open and kept exhaling roughly, arousal clear as day and accompanied by shivers that passed through Hyungwon's long legs. “Fuck,” the other man hissed, grabbed his own thighs and pulled them towards his chest, opening himself up for Hoseok to ravish. Slim fingers travelled downwards and dug into the firm butt cheeks. “Play with me.”

_Fuck. Fuck this._

He groaned before striding forward and crawling on top of the bed until he reached Hyungwon's gorgeous body. He bit into the firm butt cheek and licked over Hyungwon's entrance before he let a finger circle around it. Another bite and he pushed his middle finger inside the other man's tight body, curling it upwards and rubbing against something that he considered to be the right spot.

Hyungwon screamed, showing him that he had been right as the other man's grip loosened and he threw his hands on the pillow next to his head instead, gasping repeatedly. It was fascinating to see how his erection twitched with each wave of pleasure and arousal, showing him how much he wanted him.

“You- you can hurry up, it feels so fucking good, Hoseok. Give me more, I'll melt in your hands. I'm so fucking glad that I'll be able to hold out, fuck me, please.” The first please set off a whole wave, echoing off the walls as the blonde man spread his legs and begged him for more.

His arousal basically burned between his legs as he blessed Hyungwon with another digit, moaning at the way Hyungwon's body contracted around his fingers repeatedly.

The blonde man lifted his legs higher and threw them over Hoseok’s shoulders, using the grip to fuck himself on his fingers, pushing them deeper inside of his tight body.

“You- have no fucking idea how good this feels for me. I'm- melting and soaring at the- same time. There are fucking sparks in front of my eyes, please, Hoseok. More,” Hyungwon moaned loudly and began to throw his head back and forth while fisting the sheets. He seemed delirious, begging and screaming his name without a break.

“M-more?” Hoseok asked, unsure what kind of more Hyungwon wanted. He had never done anything besides the two fingers.

“Give me- give me another. You're big,” Hyungwon babbled and reached out to pull at his arm, as if it would make Hoseok insert another finger automatically. The other man's slim hips were shaking and he could feel Hyungwon's entrance contract around his fingers, as if it was pulling them in. “Please, please, give me another.”

_Three?_

Licking over his lips, he removed his hand and pushed three fingers inside Hyungwon carefully, watching the other man's face intently. If there was definitely something that he couldn't handle, then it was hurting the other man with anything he did.

Hyungwon dug his nails into the sheets and pushed his hips against his hand, like he wanted to feel the digits deeper.

“Fuck- Hoseok, curl them and make me scream. You have no idea how perfect this is. I want to ride you, all the way around the world I don't care where, but please- move them- fuck me.” The other man seemed so desperate as he dug his heels into Hoseok’s back and reached out to scratch over his arm. His bodily response was so close to an orgasm, but he didn't come, whimpering and begging instead.

_Holy shit._

“I- okay,” he gasped and curled his hand in the familiar manner, rubbing against the spot that he wasn't sure about anymore, because it was hard to tell with how many fingers he had inside of Hyungwon's body. “Just- just tell me what you like.”

Hyungwon screamed and scratched over his upper arm before focusing his almost black eyes on him. “Pump them in and out, I fucking love the friction. Just- play, bite me, slap my ass, do- do whatever you want, I'm going to fucking lose it.”

“I want to fuck you,” he whispered before he realized what his current task was and tried to overcompensate by moving his fingers, slapping Hyungwon's ass and biting into his thigh all at once.

The blonde man's whole body tensed up, just the way he did when he orgasmed and a gorgeous scream left his lips, only that he didn't release himself and his erection merely twitched at the sensation, still painfully hard. Hyungwon's eyelids fluttered shut until he whimpered and pushed his body against Hoseok’s fingers again, trembling at the pleasure. “Shit, shit, shit shit, you have no fucking idea how- god, just fuck me already. Please.”

_He told you to fuck him._

He didn't know what he would have done if he hadn't looked up anal sex while on beta blockers to not faint. Removing his hand, he got the condom from the suitcase, ripped it open and pulled it over his painfully hard dick before covering it in lube.

“You- do you want me in this position?” he asked, crawling back and taking Hyungwon's legs again. Hoseok licked over his lips and bit into the lean thigh lightly, enjoying how the skin gave out.

“Y-yeah, I want to see your face when you find out how fucking tight I am,” Hyungwon muttered and reached out to wrap his fingers around his muscular arms, holding on while watching him intently. His body was still shaking a little, showing how overwhelmed he was from all the pleasure. “Fuck- please- just- I want you so much. Please.”

Hoseok really hoped that he wouldn't faint from how tight Hyungwon was.

_Just do it. He wants it and you want it too._

It was still like a barrier that he needed to smash, at least it felt like it when he lined up and bit down on his lower lip until he tasted blood. Exhaling sharply, he pushed against the tight ring of muscles while watching Hyungwon's face.

The other man was observing him intently as his lips slowly parted at the sensation and he whimpered. The tension that had been present in Hyungwon's luscious thighs reduced and there was a little less resistance, followed by a low gasp and a whimper of his name.

“You're- so fucking big, it feels amazing, Hoseok. Like you're- like you're taking me over as a whole, making me yours, fuck- I want you.” Long legs wrapped around him, pulling him closer as Hyungwon's nails scratched over his arms. “Come here, be with me, please.”

It was perfect, like the other man was squeezing him on purpose, knowing what felt especially good. The arousal burned and he wanted to bury himself deeper, but hesitated, following Hyungwon's body language and the way the blonde man showed him when he could move without saying anything.

“It, it feels like you're making me yours. I love it because it's true,” he whispered and moved deeper, hissing at each additional centimeter that he was able to bridge.

It felt liberating, he had never thought that he would be able to be close to someone like this while feeling so much and without fear and the expectation to ruin everything.

It was childish, really, but Hoseok was absolutely sure that it was only possible because it was Hyungwon.


	17. 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You two are funny, you almost never come but when you do it's on the same day but never together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 2nd of April at 2 PM CET.
> 
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His brain was an emotional mess, a mixture of happiness, arousal, affection and finally ecstasy that burned its way through his mind, eradicating everything else. Hyungwon was used to pleasure, he knew it like the back of his hand, knew how to evoke it and how to make himself feel good. But there was something about Hoseok, the way the singer worked according to all or nothing, drowning him in all of it at once as soon as he knew how.

Hyungwon's voice was strained and rough, resembling somebody who had screamed for hours and attempted to speak, whispering and begging without a break.

His body was still throbbing from dry orgasming and splotches of white continuously covered his vision and what he could see of Hoseok’s gorgeous face, watching him intently as he lined up. It was difficult to tell what the singer was feeling. He seemed a little overwhelmed, eyes wide and hands holding onto Hyungwon's hips tightly.

He couldn't fucking wait. He felt on the edge of losing it and it would have been hilarious if he was the one to faint.

_No, it wouldn't. He'd never touch you again._

Hyungwon instantly reached out to wrap his fingers around Hoseok’s arms and pull him closer, telling him how much he wanted it.

_You need to show him how much you love it._

Hyungwon moaned softly and focused on the way it felt, on how fucking big Hoseok was and the fact that he was finally able to feel him, to have him inside of him. Whimpering at the sensation, he wrapped his legs around Hoseok’s middle and pulled him closer, urging him to slip further and fill him out. He contained every sign of slight discomfort and focused on the upcoming pleasure. He had wanted Hoseok for months, years if the previous thirsting counted. His body was basically made to take Hoseok and feel amazing in the process, his sensitivity was the proof of that. There wasn't much he needed to lose it, not with Hoseok’s size and his own preferences.

_Thank god you have a cock ring._

Hoseok was slow, slipping deeper while telling him that he was making him his, taking him over and that it was the truth. It was overwhelming, like an explosion of emotions that were able to overshadow the pleasure as he stared at Hoseok’s beautiful face and couldn't fucking believe it. When the other man's hips finally pressed against his own, he gasped, feeling unbelievably full and so fucking good. There was no way that he'd be aware of his actions as soon as Hoseok began moving, no fucking way.

“I'll be gone, fuck- I'll be so gone once you start moving, oh my fucking god,” he muttered quickly and tightened his grip on Hoseok’s muscular body. It sounded stupid but he felt connected, really connected, bodies flush against each other and the beautiful man inside of him. “I'm sorry for sounding so stupid, but I'm so fucking happy,” he whispered and buried his head in Hoseok’s neck, listening to the other man's rough breaths.

“I don't have any words, you feel like heaven, I would sing if I could and if it wasn't fucking embarrassing.” Hoseok kept his lips attached to his skin, mumbling his words against it hesitantly. Hyungwon could feel a prominent twitch inside him right after the other man sunk his teeth into his neck.

He moaned at the feeling and shifted his hips a little to make sure he didn't get used to the feeling. He didn't want to, he wanted to keep being aware of how full and amazing and pleasurable it was. The fingers of his left hand travelled to Hoseok’s hair and brushed through it, pulling a little at the same time that he clenched around the other man's erection. Hyungwon wanted him to feel so fucking good that he forgot about all of his worries.

“Fuck, do you- do you want me to move?” the beautiful sea-haired man whispered quietly as his hips kept shifting a little bit, probably automatically. Hyungwon loved it, he wanted to see Hoseok lose it and fuck him into the fucking mattress because it felt so good.

“Yes- fucking please,” he murmured and pulled at Hoseok’s hair again, this time with more force as he tried to lift his hips and encourage the other man to do something about the pressure in his groin and the pleasure that was right at his fingertips. “Come on, bend me in half and fuck me, Hoseok.”

There was no response for a few seconds, until the other man leaned back and curled his hands around his waist, pulling him closer. Hoseok's expression was so incredibly arousing, the curved lips parted and his eyes were almost black, eating him up like the most desirable candy.

_He could burn you down like a stack of hay, in a matter of seconds._

“You have to tell me if I hurt you,” Hoseok murmured before moving back and rolling his hips into his body smoothly, accompanied by a low moan.

Hyungwon screamed, not because the other man hit dead on, but because he was big enough to make it feel good nevertheless. He let go of Hoseok’s neck to allow him to move freely and curled his fingers into the sheets, pushing back with the leverage he had. He wanted to throw his legs over Hoseok’s shoulders and be bent in half, so he lifted them up, hoping that the sea-haired man would get the hint. His lower body was burning a little, but it was the good kind of burning. His dick twitched in anticipation, lifting off his stomach briefly.

It seemed as if Hoseok's behavior lost its conscious characteristics. Taking Hyungwon's legs, the other man threw them over his shoulders, lifting his lower body in the air and rolled his hips once again, with more vigor and more low moans.

_Shit._

“Hos-” Hyungwon tried to say the other man's name but failed because of a scream that ripped from his throat, a courtesy of the improvement of the angle that conjured small sparks of white in front of his eyes. Shit, it felt so fucking good. “Fuck- do it again, just like that, bend me in half if you need to, I love it- I love it so much-”

Hoseok placed his arms on both sides of his head and leaned forward, bending him in half and moving inside him. It was sensual first, then fast and rough and then sensual again as Hoseok covered his neck with kisses and tickled his skin with sharp exhales and low groans.

Hyungwon lost track of the sounds that left his lips as he drowned in the explosion that was the pleasure in his lower body, blocking everything else out. One hand had left the sheets next to his head and grabbed Hoseok’s hair, pulling it with each rough thrust inside his body.

_You want even more, everything there is._

“Fuck- restrain me,” he gasped and let go, keeping both hands together and above his head. “Please- please, Hoseok.”

There were more moans as Hoseok curled his fingers around his wrists and pressed down, teeth nibbling on his neck while he moved inside him roughly. Hoseok must have been feeling so much pleasure as he lost more of his careful attitude with each passing second. Hyungwon loved every bit of it. He tried to focus on Hoseok’s face and keep his eyes opened instead of letting them flutter shut with each rough thrust inside his body, but it was almost impossible. He held his breath to focus on the sensations, on how fucking good it felt, on how perfect Hoseok was inside of him. The pleasure built up and he dry orgasmed again, turning limp right after and breathing heavily.

“Oh- oh my god, I won't hold out if you contract around me like that, fuck, I'm dying,” Hoseok groaned, pressing his sweaty forehead against his shoulder while still holding his arms in place. Hyungwon's body throbbed, screaming at him to get proper release instead of the blissful torture he pushed himself through.

He brushed over Hoseok’s damp hair with stretched out fingers and tried to catch his breath, shivering under the other man. He wanted to come so bad.

“How about you fuck me on all fours?” he asked, voice still breathy, and felt the slight strain in his legs from being bent. Hoseok was going to love it, he had more control when he was on hands and knees. “You'll make me scream and I'll let you see stars.”

There was a desperate nod as Hoseok leaned back and left his body, leaving him space to move. Hyungwon gasped, a little shaken by the sight of Hoseok fucked out with a giant, gorgeous erection and blush all over his cheeks and chest. He looked gorgeous, so fucking gorgeous.

Chewing on his bottom lip, he lifted up on his butt and turned around, hands flat on the sheets and legs spread out at first. He could still push them together later to make it tighter for Hoseok. His right hand shivered when he reached out and unclasped the cockring. It felt like he was about the faint from the sudden rush, but he managed, legs trembling in anticipation.

“Fuck me up,” he whispered, eyes focused on the sheets.

“I'm warning you, I won't be able to hold out for long, you- oh god,” Hoseok hissed before slapping his ass and lining up. A few moments passed before the other man's thick length filled him out completely.

“Fuck-” Hyungwon cursed and squeezed his eyes shut, legs pulling together almost automatically. “I give myself five seconds, if you want it to be two aim downwards, I'll be delirious.” He shivered at the thought of the upcoming pleasure and clenched around Hoseok, listening to the breathy moans and gorgeous groans.

“Can I- be a little rough? I don't know whether it might hurt,” Hoseok asked while moving back and curling his fingers tight around his hips.

_Oh god, yes._

“Oh god, please be rough, Hoseok. I love it. I'm sensitive, so it mostly feels really really good and- fuck- just do it. Fuck me hard.” His legs trembled and he felt his erection throb, telling him to hurry up because he was about to fucking burst and lose it.

“I love you. Everything about you,” Hoseok breathed out before slamming his hips into him. There's was no break for him because the gorgeous man simply fucked him into the fucking mattress, room filled with groans and low moans in addition to the sounds of skin slapping against skin.

Hyungwon's vision turned black repeatedly, but the feeling in his throat told him he must have been screaming from pleasure, body toppling over the edge in a matter of seconds and finally releasing itself. It felt so fucking sweet, especially after two dry orgasms and he could barely feel his limbs, only remaining in place because of Hoseok’s tight grip as sparks of pleasure continued through his oversensitivity. This was just fucking magnificent, otherworldly. He wanted to beg and feel it all the time, wrap around Hoseok and never let go. Fuck.

Blinking and gasping loudly he realized that he had let go and was pressing his face into the sheets, unable to hold himself up anymore. This was a whole new level of delirious.

“Oh, my fucking god,” he whispered helplessly.

There was a loud groan as Hoseok buried himself as deep as possible inside him and orgasmed, panting through it, his hands shaking around his hips.

“Oh god,” the other man whispered and fell on top of him, sweaty skin covering his own and harsh breaths tickling his ear.

There were a lot of things Hyungwon could take, but Hoseok’s weight was apparently not one of them as he simply fell to the bed like a flat pancake. He chuckled because it was fucking hilarious apart from cum that was now sticking to his stomach.

“Liked it?” he asked and wiggled his body under Hoseok, squeezing around the other man's spent erection.

“I transcended into a new form, I don't have a single thought right now. I want to stay like this forever and not go anywhere. Ever,” Hoseok murmured, sounding like a cute baby with the body of a hot, muscular stripper.

Hyungwon giggled and wiggled his body again, attempting to shake his butt from side to side but Hoseok was pretty heavy.

_He's just like you imagined it as a teenager, a muscular, gorgeous man that can break you like a stick and squish you under his weight._

“I agree apart from my current life as a pancake and the cum sticking to my skin. I'm euphoric and elated and could probably fly, but I'm smart and won't try it out. Just in case I can't.” He reached behind and squeezed one of Hoseok’s butt cheeks. Damn, those were nice. “How about we shower and then cuddle in bed? Tomorrow we're going back to London.”

_Why would you mention that?_

His heart immediately clenched at the thought. He wouldn't be able to see Hoseok every day and embrace him at night. Both of them would return to work and the singer would become inaccessible, just like before.

_You know what dating a celebrity is like, Hyungwon._

“That's why I don't want to stand up, because then I will know that we are going back tomorrow and I have to face the consequences of my ignorant ass not giving a shit about my best friend and all the other things that are about to come.” Hoseok sighed, but still lifted his body carefully.

Hyungwon turned around and grimaced at the mess on his stomach before returning his attention to the gorgeous man. It seemed like something had happened again, something with Kihyun that had upset him.

He still couldn't believe that he had been this close to Hoseok, despite the other man's negative associations and fear. It seemed like Hoseok was perfectly fine with it, neither fainting nor panicking.

Maybe Hyungwon was good for him after all, despite everything that Kihyun said and believed.

_

 

The world tour ended and so did the possibility of seeing Hoseok each day and every night. When Minhyuk picked him up from the airport, the other man had jokingly told him that his fairy tale was over and he had to return to the real world now.

Hyungwon had only laughed then and invited his best friend for a drink at one of his favorite bars. It had been exciting and familiar to be with Minhyuk and talk about everything and nothing. It had seemed like a fairy tale, but it wasn't. It was real and the feelings Hoseok harbored for him were real too.

The only problem was to keep himself believing the words after two weeks had passed. Sure, Hyungwon knew that Hoseok wouldn't have the time, not with new music that was in the making, all the promotional stuff and therapy. But despite all that he had expected to see him at least once, or to have his messages answered, or to get something as simple as a ‘I'm alive and well please don't worry’.

Instead of a fairy tale it resembled a bubble. Fairy tales weren't real but seeing Europe along with Hoseok was real, as real as it goes just like the marks that the sea-haired man left on his skin were. It was all real, but it disappeared, just like a bubble that continuously filled with emotions and occurrences and popped when it got too much.

_Or when you return back to dirty, old London._

Minhyuk had reminded him of his attachment problems and bought him whiskey. It was sweet but not really a solution to his problems. Instead of drowning them in alcohol, Hyungwon drowned in poetry. It had always been the safer and healthier choice. He had written more than four poems and posted parts of them on Twitter in the hope that Hoseok would see and like them. The other man hadn't liked them, but Hyungwon couldn't be sure that he hadn't seen them.

_He couldn't have disappeared into nothing, people care about him too much for that._

It was Thursday evening, almost night, and Hyungwon wanted to disappear somewhere, to go somewhere far away from London to clear his mind. His fingers brushed along the books on his shelf as he made his way to the front door, wondering which poem to read before leaving the house. He loved doing that, giving himself a small impression and a spark of inspiration before leaving.

His index finger paused on a collection of American poems from the 19th and 20th century. Smiling, he opened the book at random and stared at the poem that meet his eyes. It was a piece by Helen Hoyt named ‘Desire’. Clearing his throat, he began reading it out loud. Poems felt different when they were read aloud.

 

‘Once you were always calling me,  
Calling me when I could not answer,  
Urging me where I could not follow—  
So that I wished I had been born without desire,  
As a stone.

But now many days you have left me.  
And in the silence, I have learned your meaning.

For a part of me is gone when you are gone;  
I am less  
And the world is less.  
O let me have my longing back again!

Now gladly I will bear it;  
Gladly I will hold it to me,  
Though without release;  
Always.

For what would be the pride of the sun itself  
With its light gone?  
O kindle me again, desire.  
Return to me.  
Return.’

 

The sound of his voice vanished and Hyungwon swallowed to stop thinking about how well the poem expressed his emotions, like it wanted to tell him something.

Sighing, he placed the book back and left the house. His car wasn't in the garage because he knew that he was going to leave, so it wasn't much of a bother to jump in and get going. Hyungwon didn't really know where yet, but he knew he wanted to go, as far as possible.

He listened to Hoseok’s calming voice on his way because he loved to torture himself. A glance at the golden sun in the sky gave him the idea for a nice place. He hadn't been to the cave cafe for months and it was almost the right time to watch the sunset.

_It's perfect to think of something else for once._

Hyungwon was pretty helpless, in the beginning he had constantly thought of O-NO and now it had fluently transitioned into Hoseok. The man whose voice surrounded him at all times.

He couldn't help but hope he was okay. Last time it had been Hyungwon's directness that forced him to stay away. It had been the fact that he fainted because of him.

_And this time it could be because he slept with you. It was okay at first but not afterwards when he started thinking about it._

Parking his car a little further away, he got out and smiled at how nice the air was. It had gotten really warm, even in the evening. The sunset was later too and Hyungwon was grateful that the little cafe was always opened until sunset. He wasn't the only one who enjoyed watching it.

Approaching the entrance of the cave, he brushed over his naked arms and smiled brightly, prepared to see the owner.

As expected, he was welcomed with opened arms and instantly led to the table in the center that already had a customer occupying it. Hyungwon was just about to ask when the elderly woman laughed loudly.

“You two are funny, you almost never come but when you do it's on the same day but never together.”

_Huh?_

Hyungwon glanced up and examined the tight black shirt that spanned over a muscular chest and pale skin, framed by silver-blue hair. There was only one man he knew with hair like that.

“Oh my god, Hoseok-” he exclaimed and barely contained the urge to wrap his arms around the other man. He had missed him so much, his face, his voice, his touch, his presence in general. It had been torture. “Fuck, I missed you so much.”

_Don't you dare cry now._

“And this in the time of cell phones,” the elderly owner muttered disapprovingly and made her way to the coffee machine. Hyungwon didn't even watch her, eyes fixed on Hoseok and the way the other man held himself. He was paler and must've lost weight too. There had been no way for him to know as Hoseok hadn’t had any public appearances during the past few weeks.

The dark-brown eyes settled on his face as the other man simply stared without moving an inch.

“It's you-” he whispered.

The response was so weird that Hyungwon couldn't help feeling dumbfounded, staring back like an idiot and wondering what the fuck had been going on the past two weeks for Hoseok to look like that.

_Don't accuse him of anything, Hyungwon._

“How- how have you been? I… really missed you,” he muttered instead and let his left hand slide along the table, a little closer towards Hoseok’s. He wanted to hold his hand so badly, but he hesitated because of the look on the other man's face.

“I-” Hoseok started and swallowed, removing his gaze from his face and concentrating on his black coffee that he hadn't touched. “I'm okay.”

_As if._

“What have you been up to?” Hyungwon asked and smiled brightly. Having people be worried and asking him scary questions was probably the last thing the singer needed. “I wrote lots of poems and thought about you.”

“I read them all,” was the immediate reply as Hoseok fumbled with his hands. “I- wasn't really available during the past weeks, I'm sorry.”

Hyungwon didn't have to pretend to smile this time as the fact that Hoseok really read all his poems cheered him up. Even though his work was rather dark, expressing how much he missed him and felt like sitting in a crater after an explosion.

_Because the bubble popped._

“I'm happy you read them, I was wondering about that,” he replied and reached out, squeezing Hoseok’s hand carefully while still smiling at him. It felt nice to see him again and have the warm palm under his own. “It's okay, I thought that you were busy. How come you are here?”

_Instead of with you._

“It-” Again Hoseok hesitated, looking nervous and swallowing in between his words. “Kihyun wanted to leave and- I had therapy twice a week and my depression came back, so we have to treat that first and- god I'm so sorry, I should've told you to not involve yourself with me too much.” The other man's voice was barely a whisper and his hands shook a little before he curled his fingers around his thighs, still not looking at him properly.

_Depression? That’s what Minhyuk had._

“I'm pretty happy that I got involved with you and I doubt that your depression changes anything about that,” Hyungwon replied surely and squeezed Hoseok’s hand again. There was no way that he was going to let the other man talk down about himself again. “You told me before, but I didn't give a single shit because it wasn't true. You're amazing and for some reason you believe that you're not. Did you avoid calling me because you didn't want me to see or because you physically couldn't? I've seen it with Minhyuk before.”

“I was crying or in pain or both.” It seemed as if Hoseok was talking to his coffee cup, gaze focused and not looking away. “But here you are looking like summer. Makes me want to cry even more.”

“Only if that means I can embrace you and have a wet shirt. I'm sure it'll be refreshing.” Hyungwon chuckled and moved his chair closer to Hoseok’s. Sure, it sounded terrible to cry and be in pain, but if Hyungwon had any possibility of making it better he wanted to use it. “I wish I could help you somehow, be involved, you know? I could park my fancy car in front of your therapist all cool and pick you up or whatever. Hold your hand when you cry, make you hot packs. I'm not really sure what to do in this situation, but Minhyuk was pretty obvious with what he needed back then.”

“How have you been? I don't even know how much time passed since I last saw you. Looking at you like this it seems like summer 2008,” Hoseok whispered and finally lifted his gaze, immediately biting down on his quivering lower lip.

“Ah, cause my hair is black.” Hyungwon raked his hand through the black strands and watched the other man intently. Something seemed terribly off about him and he wished he knew what it was, more than just complicated medical terms that didn't tell him what to do. Smiling a little, he scooched closer and wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck, pulling the other man against his chest and placing a kiss to the top of his head. “It's not summer 2008, because I'll stay for as long as you want me to.”

“What if it never gets better?” Hoseok's upper body shook, palpable and obvious under his fingertips. “What if I tell you to wait for me, but there's nothing to wait for?”

Hyungwon smiled even more at those words, remembering Minhyuk asking him something similar. It had seemed like a stupid question to him back then and it still was.

“I like you now, _love_ you now, just the way you are, independent of the weight you carry around with you. I will love you if you manage to leave it behind, but I will also love you if you don't. Then I'll hold you just like this, hoping that it'll make you feel at least a little better and will ask you to watch the sunset with me. It's pretty.” He placed another kiss on the top of Hoseok’s head. It was affectionate and felt special, sitting in the same cave again. “You're getting better for yourself, Hoseok, not for me. I love you either way.”

“I can't help thinking that everything that happened is my fault. It's so hard to change,” the low voice murmured against his shoulder. “I missed you so much. How can you just tell me that you love me after I didn't contact you for so long? I'm- I'm so sorry, please forgive me. Please.” Hoseok shook in his arms before he felt the other man's hesitant, weak embrace around his waist. “I'm trying so hard but still it doesn't work well, I thought I'd come back to you as a functioning boyfriend, but-” the other man's lips moved against his neck as Hoseok lifted his head a little. “I don't think it worked out.”

The transition from a physically strong man to the hesitant touches Hyungwon experienced now was so sudden, even though he knew how it came to be and why it was there. Had it been anything else, he would have told Hoseok to get his shit together and call him, to stop whining helplessly and do what he was meant to do. But it wasn't anything else, it was more complicated and in his head. Something that he couldn't change with the blink of an eye or a flick of his fingers. It required work and if Hyungwon was able to help with his presence then he wanted to do exactly that.

“But that's okay, isn't it? You also didn't become a singer in one day and I'm still not really a poet. It's not as quick as it might seem and that's alright. You grow while you change and I'd love to be part of that change. Don't you know? Couples grow apart when they aren't present for each other's major changes, so I want to be present for yours, so that I can keep showering you with my love just like this.” He sighed at his own words, aware that Minhyuk would make fun of him again for being so romantic, cringing at every word. “It's how I feel and I want to keep it, so I'd be really happy if- if you could let me in, help you in the process. You can come to me anytime, even if it's just to cry on my shoulder.”

“I want you next to me, I really do. Would you-” The beautiful sea-haired man lifted his head and wiped away his tears, before clearing his throat. “I know that I have no idea of relationships and I'm in the middle of therapy and barely managed to make my best friend stay, but- would you still want to be in a relationship with me, Hyungwon?”

“Yep.” Hyungwon didn't even need to think about that. The answer was obvious. He had been willing to be in a relationship even when he thought that Hoseok might never be able to touch him. He doubted that it was still his obsession speaking, but the bit that remained from it was able to convince him that there was no need for physical proximity to feel connected. Hyungwon felt connected just looking at Hoseok’s almost black eyes, filled with tears and emotion as the sea-haired man stared at him. It felt so easy to break, a single word could be enough.

_But you won't._

“Definitely, Hoseok. I wanted to be in a relationship with you back then and it might sound like I'm lying, but when I fall in love there is something to it, always. I fell in love with you ten years ago and meeting you has only brought it back tenfold, one time more for each year that we didn't see each other.” He chuckled and dared to lean in and place a brief kiss on Hoseok’s lips. He didn't know how stable the singer was and whether it was okay, but he tried. It was wet and tasted salty. “You know, even- even if you won't be able to touch me, I'll be happy just taking you along in my car. I'll show you places that are as far away from civilization as you can imagine and read you a poem or two before listening to your voice. You- you understand me somehow, if not my speech then my poems and nobody… nobody really does.”

_Nobody apart from him on that hill overlooking the Bretagne._

It wasn't the words that told him Hoseok understood. It also wasn't the way the other man acted towards him afterwards. It was the face, the emotional expression on Hoseok’s features that told him that the scrawny boy in front of him had felt exactly the same way he did when he had written the poem.

“It doesn't sound like something I would say, but I feel as if we belong together, you and me. I really want to make you happy.” Hoseok leaned in and kissed him slowly, as if there was only them in the cave. “Summer child,” the low voice whispered against his lips. “Will you forgive me for leaving you alone all this time?”

Hyungwon heart was hammering in his chest at the gesture and the sound of Hoseok’s voice. Goosebumps spread from his arms to his shoulders and chest, allowing a shiver to pass through him. Hoseok was able to steal his breath in a single second, to regain his own sanity and take Hyungwon's in return.

“I forgave you the moment I laid eyes on your face,” he whispered back, sound echoing through the cave walls despite being so quiet. He was able to feel every hot exhale against his lips. There was something potent and unstoppable when they were together, like it didn't matter what everybody else said or what was right or wrong.

“It was my piano teacher,” Hoseok said suddenly, hands shaking against his body before he removed them. “It took me so long to admit it because I loved the instrument. Until it was too late. I couldn't touch it for three years and started again shortly before I met you on the beach. There are still pieces I can't play, but Lauren said we will work on it too.”

Hyungwon stared, trying to come up with something to say but he didn't know what was right or helpful. What the hell did people say to something like that? A mere ‘I’m sorry’ didn't grasp it. It sounded like child abuse was something simple that could be brushed off like that. Hyungwon didn't want to brush it off. He wanted to help, to support, to be a shoulder to lean on.

“Do you- do you enjoy playing piano now? Apart from those pieces. I've seen you use it when you compose,” he whispered instead of asking about the man that had ruined Hoseok’s childhood.

_He could have ruined music for him too, just like that._

“Yes. It took me a long time to realize that the piano wasn't at fault. That's probably the reason why I'm still struggling, it still feels as if I'm at fault too. It might change eventually, I'm remembering more things now, it's good, but it's also difficult sometimes.” Hoseok's voice was quiet as he spoke, as if he was telling a story about someone else.

_Is he dissociating?_

Hyungwon remembered reading about it, the way victims of abuse had a tendency to separate themselves from whatever happened.

“Of course, I don't know what it's like, but- but I'm here if you need me, Hoseok, whatever it may be.” He inhaled sharply and pulled the other man flush against his chest again, focusing on the way his hot breaths felt against the skin of his neck. “You're strong, I'm sure you can do this. It might take time but you'll get there. I'll be there throughout, I promise.”

“That's really nice. As if there's a black sea that I have to cross and I don't really see the edge, but I know that there's summer on the other side. The knowledge alone makes it worth it. Thank you so much.” He could feel a smile against his neck and a warm kiss. “I'm lost because I can't use my usual coping strategies. I haven’t touched anything alcoholic for three weeks and I have no idea how I'm supposed to cope without having you and without having whisky.”

Hyungwon smiled at that. He let his fingers travel over Hoseok’s back until he reached the fine hair at the other man's nape, brushing over them carefully.

“Maybe we ditch the whiskey and just stay with me, hmm?” he asked and chuckled softly. He felt happy to have Hoseok in his arms, smiling against his skin instead of the shadow Hyungwon had seen upon entering the cave. It felt just like back then, in the middle of the sea.

“It'll be like in France, Hoseok. I will keep you warm, even if the black, cold water is fighting it's way past your jeans.”

***

 

Waking up hurt, grabbing the pills and remembering that he wasn't allowed to take them hurt, breathing through the day hurt and thinking about painful memories hurt. Living hurt and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

_At least Kihyun didn't leave you._

He remembered begging his best friend on his knees to stay, bawling his eyes out and telling him that there was no-one who was more important than him even though it had been a lie. Hyungwon was important. So important that he felt like dying after promising Kihyun that he would put therapy first and didn't contact the person who mattered so much to him.

Why did he have to choose? He didn't want to choose, because Hyungwon had been summer, the ray of light that shone through the pitch-black darkness and made him float on the surface and watch the moon. There was no use in trying when he couldn't see the bright smile and the big brown eyes, showing him the world in their expressiveness.

_You need him._

It had been a compromise that cost him his sanity, an additional diagnosis of a depressive episode and six kilograms of body weight.

_But you can't lose him. And you can't lose Hyungwon._

Hoseok had been so out of it when he saw the now black-haired man in the cave. He seemed like an object of his imagination, gorgeous golden skin, a bright smile despite his assholish and cowardly behavior during the past few weeks.

_He suffered because of you. He did and you know it._

Of course, he did. He saw all the missed calls and messages, he read the poems that screamed at him to ditch everything and go to Kensington, to press the button and let himself be pulled into the white house with the pretty garden, filled with books, the smell of lilies and his face. But he couldn't.

_Because you were scared of losing Kihyun and of being close._

It had been hard during therapy, he tried his best to talk and write down his memories, to stop blaming himself for what happened, for letting it happen, for keeping the secret for so long, for torturing his parents, his teachers, his only friend and crush, for meeting Hyungwon and torturing him too.

_You have to stop. Stop hurting the people you love._

When he rode back on his motorcycle, taking the most narrow curves on his way from the cave after promising the black-haired summer child to call, he couldn't help but ask himself whether it was a good thing that he was alive.

_It's your depression speaking. He said that he loves you, Hoseok._

_He loves you._

_And you love him._

Just that it wasn't the answer to anything.

_

 

“I've met him. Hyungwon, I mean,” Hoseok murmured, downing his espresso in one go as familiar dark eyes watched him intently. Kihyun furrowed his eyebrows but continued sipping on his coffee, as if nothing happened.

_He's trying to stay calm, isn't he?_

“I thought you wanted to concentrate on the treatment for the time being,” Kihyun's low voice commented, as if he wasn't trying to guilt trip him.

“It was by chance, in a cave cafe. But that’s not the point. We need to talk, Kihyun.” Sighing, he leaned over the table and observed his best friend’s face. It was fascinating how easy it was for him to recognize every single twitch in his friend’s facial muscles that expressed the emotions that the grey-haired man was feeling.

“I'm gay, Kihyun.” His lips were faster than his brain was, supplying him with the necessary words to start the conversation. “I've always been gay. I know that you probably won't understand, but it was there before all of this happened. I was in love with someone before I met Hyungwon on the beach in France. I was already in love with a boy when I was twelve. Just- the things that my piano teacher did to me, they broke something in my head and made me believe that it was wrong. But it doesn't change the fact that it has always been there.”

Exhaling sharply, he stood up and made himself another coffee, substitution for the whisky he usually drank when he was nervous and didn't want to deal with reality. Coffee was much less effective, but in the long run it helped him concentrate.

“You know how stupid it sounds, right? You've never told me about _any_ boy crush you apparently had. Are you sure that you're not making this up to defend yourself and your ridiculous attraction towards him?” Kihyun narrowed his gaze, but he wasn't scared. He knew that Kihyun loved him as much as a friend can love. He had had so many opportunities to run away.

“Remember when I didn't call and didn't visit? And when I went to the hospital and refused to see you?” It had been a painful memory, but a useful one. Remembering it helped him to explain to Kihyun about himself, the things the other man didn't know about him.

“Of course, I do, your parents had said that you were traumatized and that you tried to take your life. Of course, you didn't want to see anybody.” His best friend looked to the side and something in his facial expression told him that the memory was still painful.

“I did try to take my life, but I was in love with you, Kihyun. I really, really liked you, I wanted to touch you and for you to touch me. I shivered every time our hands brushed against each other and I couldn't fall asleep, being next to you in the sleeping bag in my tent that you hated so much. It had all been there, but it fucked with my head. My affection towards you intertwined with what happened to me and I considered it bad and disgusting. I thought I was the same as him for liking you. I thought that I shouldn't exist.”

It was finally out. The secret that he had kept to himself for so many years was finally out, spread in his kitchen, dissolved in the cup of coffee Kihyun put back on the small plate and processed by his best friend’s brain, forcing his eyes to widen comically and his mouth to part in shock or surprise. Hoseok couldn't tell for sure.

“W- what?” Kihyun stared at him and it felt like a stab, not because of the affection. It wasn't the same, it had turned into so much more, without the urgency and the wish to leave everything and run. It was stable, familiar, family. Kihyun was his family.

“I did. I know that you've never felt the same, and that’s not the point. The point is that I'm gay and I've always liked men. It simply wasn't something I could act on. I still suffer, but- but Hyungwon supports me, so it's not as bad. I love him, Kihyun, but I love you too. As a friend, as my best friend, as my family. Please don't make me choose because it's tearing me apart.”

There was nothing, empty silence, only the sound of dripping coffee from the pressure of his espresso machine that forced water through the black ground beans.

“I can't believe that you kept it hidden for such a long time. If you want us to be friends-” The narrow eyes focused on him and the grey-haired man took a sip of his cold coffee. “Tell me everything about your trip ten years ago, I want to know every single thing, apart from the poem. I know that one by heart.” A visible smile spread his best friend's cheeks and he knew that it was safe. Kihyun continued to be his safe space.

“I love you,” Hoseok murmured before downing his second espresso and taking his spot across from his best friend. “So, I was sitting on the beach and drinking as this black-haired boy appeared out of nowhere and said ‘Bonjour’.”

“He still hasn't grown up, has he?” Kihyun asked with a grin. “I love you too.”

 

_

 

The white house looked weird, maybe because everything was blooming. He rolled his bike over some pretty flowers, hoping that Hyungwon wouldn't mind.

_He loves summer, but he might love you more._

He stretched out his finger and hesitated for a few seconds before pressing the button. They had met a week ago and he tried his best to sort everything out prior to contacting the black-haired man again.

_Although he told you that he wanted to be included._

Hoseok was hopeless, he knew, but he also couldn't help the desire to give Hyungwon something special, something extraordinary, something that made his troublesome existence worthy.

_And for this you had to arrange stuff._

Shaking his head at his own thoughts, he fixed the low-cut jeans on his hips and pressed the button, heart almost jumping out of his chest.

_You feel as if you're seventeen all over again._

It took a while until the door opened and he was met with bright purple-greyish hair and Hyungwon's wide eyes, staring at him. The other man was hiding a little behind the door, concealing his attire which must have meant that it wasn't all that much.

_He is a color-changing LED lamp._

“Oh- wow- Hoseok. I definitely wasn't expecting you!” he exclaimed and glanced around quickly. “How weirded out are you by see-through bathrobes?”

_Why would anyone make see-through bathrobes? Why would anyone buy see-through bathrobes?_

Confused, he shook his head and lifted both palms in the air, preparing for his defense.

“I have reasons and I had to take care of things, but it turned out to be a lot and harder than I thought and then three days passed and it was already kinda weird because I hadn't called you, so I thought I could as well finish stuff up and come, but then it took longer and I also went over some flowers with my bike and I'm sorry, but extremely confused because I don't understand the function of a see-through bathrobe,” he babbled, before his gaze stopped on Hyungwon's pretty, thick lips.

_He's so beautiful._

“Wow- and I thought I babble,” the now purple-haired man exclaimed and laughed loudly, almost pushing the door off his chest and most likely revealing his lack of clothes.

“Erm, it's fine, I figured you were probably busy. The flowers, well- you haven't met my mom yet, otherwise you'd have to listen to my maman telling you about _la douleur d'une botanique_.” Hyungwon gestured with his free hand while the other held onto the door to keep it in place. That is until he realized that Hoseok was still standing in front of the door and one of the neighbors raised an eyebrow while walking along the street. “Fuck- come in.”

Slim fingers wrapped around his wrist and pulled him into the house before Hyungwon slammed the door shut behind them. Only when both of them were standing in front of each other, several centimeters apart, did Hoseok really understand the meaning of a see-through bathrobe. It didn't conceal much at all. The purple-haired man was not wearing anything under it and only the ribbon at his waist concealed the area between his legs. The small nipples were perfectly visible through the black fabric and so was the narrow waist, gorgeously hugged by the robe.

“It's- sexy,” Hyungwon whispered quietly when Hoseok’s eyes finally reached those big, chestnut colored ones.

“But- but why would you want to be sexy when you're home alone?” Suddenly his eyes widened and he looked around. “Are you alone? Oh god. What am I supposed to do?” Hoseok muttered, panic rising at the complete unfamiliarity with situations like this.

“Oh my god, of course I'm alone. What do you think of me? That I hook up with random dudes while being in love with you? I'm a devoted soul!” Hyungwon lifted his hands in the air in outrage but it looked a little hilarious with the way the ribbon flew up and- showed more than it did before. “I just like to feel attractive, whether I'm alone or not. I was on my swing, naked. I threw on the robe because the bell rang.”

_Oh god._

His mouth stayed open as his gaze focused on the spot under Hyungwon's belt.

“I'm gay,” he heard himself say, unsure what else to do, because it had been one of the things, he had taken care of during the week. He told Kihyun, his parents and Lauren, even though his therapist insisted that she knew.

“Ehm-” Hyungwon left his hands hanging in the air as he stared at him, eyes wide and following his gaze briefly until he gasped. “That's- lovely. Welcome to the club, it's fabulous. You can come to the gay nights I have with Minhyuk, we discuss new stuff on the market and watch gay TV-series.”

_What?_

It seemed to be something entirely different for Hyungwon, but it didn't matter. Ignoring the other man's monologue, he continued.

“I told my parents and I told Kihyun, in addition to the fact that I was deeply in love with him and I'm going to come out, I just don't know how and when yet, but I feel the need to.” He finally removed his gaze and crouched down to untie his shoelaces.

“Wait- publicly?” Hyungwon's eyes widened comically and he appeared a little panicked. “You mean as a singer? Like- tell your fans and all?”

“Yes.” His second shoe was next and he returned his gaze to the laces, loosening them carefully before pulling the shoe from his foot and meeting Hyungwon's gaze as he rose up. “If you want to sell your merchandise, now is a good time.”

_It will definitely affect your popularity._

“I don't want to sell my merchandise! It's mine!” Hyungwon gestured widely again, once towards the room that was filled with pictures of Hoseok’s face. “You'll be the next gay icon and I was your biggest fan before and I'll be your biggest fan now. Watch me make a fucking museum!” The other man's bathrobe loosened a little, enough to reveal the center of his chest. It didn't make much of a difference with the transparent fabric.

“You're hilarious,” Hoseok whispered and stepped closer, just a little bit, close enough to hear Hyungwon's breath and feel it hit his lips. “I love everything about you, isn't that weird?”

_You have to sing the song to him._

He waited for the right moment to show Hyungwon the melody he wrote for his lyrics, how he imagined singing it.

“I don't think it's weird. I love everything about you too, even the way you squeeze the air out of me in the morning. I even like the weird noises you make when you eat. I could write a novel about your habits, fucking watch me!” This time Hyungwon laughed loudly and wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s waist. “I'm so happy that you came, you can't even imagine. I was thinking about you and coming up with lines for poems, but didn't finish any yet. Not enough ‘sitting naked on the swing’ yet.”

“I- finished the song. The one with your poem as the lyrics. It's my favorite song. I might lose some fans because there are people who only love me when I want to kill myself, but well, I still want to release it.” He stroked over Hyungwon's slim shoulders, down his arms and back up until his fingers stroked over the beautiful golden cheek. Hoseok had missed him so much.

The soft features transformed into something vulnerable as Hyungwon nodded softly. His lips trembled and the hold around his body only tightened.

“I- I really want to hear it. But I might cry because it makes me emotional.”

“It's okay as long as it's not ‘I hate you, Hoseok’ or ‘You make me sad because it's not worthy of my poem’ kind of emotional.” Shrugging briefly, he cleared his throat and started humming a soft melody, light like a breeze, transforming into Hyungwon's lyrics paired with a wave-like flow and a chorus that sounded so much like a confession.

 

“Our bliss is short, forgetfulness must fade  
I miss the sky, I must evaporate  
And be a cloud  
to fall for you  
again.”

 

Smiling, he finished and leaned in to press a kiss against Hyungwon's pretty lips, overwhelmed by the power and beauty that the lyrics contained.

The other man must have been undecided about which emotion to show. His lips were spread in a wide smile, but his eyes appeared wet, glistening in the pink light of the hallway lamps. Hyungwon must have switched them during the time that Hoseok hadn't visited. It made their whole conversation a little more private with Hoseok’s voice echoing in the empty space.

“It's- it's perfect. You always know exactly what I'm trying to say. It's right there- in the music.” One tear left Hyungwon's right eye and ran over his cheek bone all the way to his chin where it finally dropped on his transparent bathrobe, leaving a darker spot on his chest. “I'm so fucking happy that you understood, you can't even imagine. God, I feel like singing my love to you like a fucking nightingale and my singing is about as good as the average male’s in the shower- not at all.”

“I would sing for you forever if I could,” he whispered and curled his arms around Hyungwon's slim waist, pulling the other man flush against his chest. He was beautiful, Hyungwon was. He couldn't keep himself from kissing the tears from his cheeks. Hoseok had no idea whether it was because they hadn't been close for so long, but touching Hyungwon felt like flying over an erupted volcano, hot, dangerous but so freeing.

His gesture made the other man giggle, cheeks lifting up and becoming a little puffy.

“It's amazing how many things I can write into my diary of romanticism because of you, so many lovely things you do,” he remarked and ruffled up Hoseok’s hair, strands sticking out in weird directions. “If you want to sing for me forever, you can be damn sure that I'll listen forever, it makes me happy.” He gestured towards his merchandise room. “ _Quod erat demonstrandum_.”

“Languages are really not my forte.” Sighing, he took a purple strand between his fingers and looked at the new color. It was still hard to get used to it. “I think you aren't real. There is not a single person I know who was never angry or upset about something I did or said. I've been such an asshole to you, but you're still smiling at me as if I did something nice.”

Hyungwon pouted a little at that, visibly in thought.

“You're here. That's nice.”

“You're crazy. You're crazy to put up with me, but I'm long past the point where I would keep my pride and not attach myself to your leg, crying and begging you to stay with me. I want to do everything for you. Everything you want. Want to sit on the swing naked? Fine, want to dye my hair? Also fine. Want me to say that you're my boyfriend on public television? Always. Anything you want, you can have it all.” He cupped Hyungwon's small face between his palms and kissed him in between the suggestions, before pressing a long kiss against his soft lips after he finished. He really couldn't believe that summer was back and that it was his.

“This is the point at which I understand what makes me special I think,” Hyungwon murmured and initiated a kiss himself, smile bright and slim arms wrapped around his neck. “I have common sense. Sitting on the swing naked is my thing, you can watch if you like. Oh- by the way- I started doing that because I went to the museum as a kid and saw it and wanted to try it out. Got scolded but haven't stopped since. I love your hair, so we're not dying it, unless… ah never mind. Announcing our relationship? Kihyun will have my balls for breakfast, scrambled.”

_He might._

“I think he's still a little skeptical, but I spent two hours telling him about our meeting in France and was only interrupted when the making out in the tent got too detailed and he told me to skip that. Oh, speaking of making out, did you miss me?” Hoseok asked and wiggled his eyebrows while pushing Hyungwon against the wall.

The way the purple-haired man's eyes widened and his lips parted was already answer enough as he didn't reply at first, merely staring at Hoseok’s face and increasing the frequency of his breaths.

“W- wait- don't throw me off my line of thought. I… wanted to ask how straight Kihyun is on a scale from 0 to 10, for my own sanity.” Despite the question Hyungwon was chewing on his cheek and his palms were pressed flat to the wall even though they didn't need to be.

_Kihyun?_

Laughing, he remembered asking his best friend as a joke.

“I asked him too, he said usually ten, but it's seven when it comes to me. But then again, he hit me after saying that, so I guess he's a full ten. Why? Are you jealous?” he asked and licked over his lips, before leaning in and whispering into the other man's cute little ear. “I'm jealous too and I don't even know who I'm jealous of. I guess it's just anyone who is blessed by your time and your gorgeous smile, in addition to Twitter, your toys and your swing. I'm dumb.”

_This is ridiculous. You're probably the only one who's jealous._

Hyungwon laughed and rubbed his round nose over his cheek, with a low chuckle.

“I was just concerned about your confession towards your best friend and how he felt about that.” Suddenly a bright grin appeared as Hyungwon wiggled his eyebrow. “If you're jealous of my toys you can just join us. After all, you're so much better, damn.”

“Am I?” Hoseok asked and his words were accompanied by a rush of blood in his ears, deafening and hot. “To be honest, I'm already going crazy from standing next to you.”

“Is it the bathrobe?” Hyungwon asked him teasingly and pulled at the transparent fabric, revealing a small, hardened nipple. “I like the way you swallow because you enjoy the sight, makes me feel very desirable. Maybe…” he trailed off and slipped his hand between their bodies to pull at the ribbon above his groin, “this will be even more to your liking.”

“It's not the robe,” he whispered. “It's you.”

His lips immediately found Hyungwon's pretty, plump mouth and he sucked on the smooth surface, hands curled around the other man's tiny waist. The fabric of the robe was thin, but his clothes didn't let him feel Hyungwon's hot skin like he wanted to.

_Maybe you'll be able to be close and soar, just like it should be?_

“My point exactly, less robe, more me,” the purple-haired man whispered into the kiss and sank his hands into his hair, tilting his head to the side to allow more access to his mouth. The other man's thigh slipped in between his own and rubbed over his groin.

He moaned, shifting and pushing the beautiful man further against the wall. His sanity was slipping away steadily, leaving unbearable heat and urgency behind that he wasn't able to tame.

“Make me yours, Hyungwon, I want you to make me yours,” he whispered, barely able to breathe from the thick tension developing between them.

“It's my pleasure,” was the low reply, as long fingers settled between them and unbuttoned his jeans. The zipper was next until he felt warmth around his erection and pressure on the tip. Hyungwon didn't hesitate to clash their mouths together and lick into his mouth. “Fuck, I missed this.”

Sinking to the ground, back rubbing over the white wall, Hyungwon leaned in and closed his lips around his dick, sucking intently until he suddenly let go, just like that.

“Give me a few minutes to get ready and then I'm all yours,” he whispered and got up again, index finger pressed to Hoseok’s curved lips. “Wait for me.”

A last suggestive smile and Hyungwon slipped away from under him and disappeared in the depths of the hallway.

_He has to get ready, why do you always forget? It's not the same._

Shaking his head at himself, he tucked his dick back into his underwear, having a hard time because of being hard like an iron rod. He walked into the dark bedroom and turned on the light next to Hyungwon's side of the bed. It was funny, but he immediately thought about the times they had been close.

_He let you fuck his mouth while he tied himself up._

Suddenly he remembered Hyungwon talking about his preferences so many times. It was a shame that he was so fucking ignorant, but he wanted to work on it.

_You can ask him. Maybe he wants you to restrain him again._

The thought was so arousing that he swallowed and rubbed over his clothed erection to give himself a reason to lose his shit, as he let himself fall on top of the messy sheets.

He heard steps and then Hyungwon's gorgeous face appeared in the door frame. The bathrobe was opened and loosely thrown over his shoulders. Smiling, the beautiful man stepped closer and let the fabric slip down and pool at his feet. He was hard and didn't hesitate for long before crawling on top of the bed and sitting down on Hoseok’s thighs, breaths a little ragged.

“If only you knew what I want you to do to me.”

“Maybe- you can tell me. I could- I could tie you up if you like it,” he murmured, face burning like lava. His hands immediately settled on Hyungwon's gorgeous thighs, stroking over them. He wanted to be naked.

“I'd love that,” Hyungwon whispered and let his lips travel over Hoseok’s neck, fingers playing with the fabric of his white t-shirt that they moved upwards, revealing his stomach and chest. “But I'd love you naked even more.”

“I told you, you'll get anything you want from me, just tell me and I'll give it all to you.” His voice was low, breathy, so unlike him, but the tension was eating him alive, burning him down and leaving no room for defiance.

Hyungwon smiled at that and pulled his shirt over his head, throwing it to the side. Next were his jeans that the purple-haired man pulled down his legs, mouthing at his erection on the way down.

“You make me want to worship you,” Hyungwon whispered and licked over his vline and bit into his thigh. His long fingers curled under his underwear and lifted it away from his body, hot breath stimulating the tip of his erection. “You're so gorgeous, it's unreal.”

There was no control anymore, no monitoring and nothing he could've done apart from voicing his thoughts and moaning endlessly.

“I want you to make me yours, to feel how you pull me inside your body and make me a part of you. You're like a burning sun enveloping me whole, fuck, just take all of me.” He was moving under Hyungwon's fingertips like a finely tuned instrument, moaning, throwing his head back and fisting the sheets.

It seemed like the other man's tongue was everywhere, travelling over his skin, teeth leaving red marks over his pale thighs, nibbling on his skin. Hyungwon's fingers were playing with his nipples when the thick lips wrapped around his tip, sucking intently. The hot tongue drew circles over his length until he let go again and met his eyes, mouth glistening in the light.

“Tell me more,” Hyungwon whispered as he sat down on his lap again, naked skin touching and rolled his hips.

“I want you, I want you so badly, it was so hard not to think about you during therapy, I want to feel how hot you are around me, how you pull me deeper, taking me over. I also want to be surrounded by your golden skin when I taste you with my tongue and I want to make you scream because your pleasure-stricken voice is better than music.” He was losing his mind as he tried to pull Hyungwon's lower body closer to his face to feel the tight body contract around him.

“I want to sit down on you,” Hyungwon gasped and repeated the sensual roll of his hips, moaning softly. His hands fumbled around at the side of the bed until they slipped under the pillow and pulled out a bottle with transparent liquid. “Do you want to prepare me?”

“Yes, oh god, yes,” he whispered like an excited teenager and took the bottle out of Hyungwon's hand, immediately coating his fingers and watching the gorgeous golden body hungrily.

Hyungwon chuckled at his eagerness and lifted his hips. He was so gorgeous, skin golden and body lean. “Touch me then,” he whispered and brushed over Hoseok’s jaw.

_Make him feel good, Hoseok, get a grip._

His left arm curled around Hyungwon's waist and he turned them, pinning the slim man to the mattress, before taking his ridiculously long legs and bending him a little. Shit, he looked so fucking hot, golden skin on display, smooth and ready for him. Placing a kiss against his entrance, Hoseok circled it and pushed his middle finger inside.

Hyungwon gasped and contracted around the digit a little bit. He was pretty tight, more so than last time.

“Shit- I missed this,” the purple-haired man muttered and threw his head back, arms loosely arranged above his head.

Hyungwon was driving him crazy even though he was supposed to be the one to make him scream. Curling the digit, he searched for a few seconds until he found the sensitive spot and rubbed it, teeth nibbling on a dark nipple.

Hyungwon screamed and a shiver passed through his legs, followed by fingers that grabbed the blanket tightly.

“Fuck, another,” he instantly commented and moved his hips, attempting to feel Hoseok deeper than that. “I thought of the way you fucked me in the hotel, rough and without restriction, fuck- I come just thinking about it.”

“I want to do more, I want to be everything you like, to take your breath away in the same way that you're taking mine,” he hissed before he inserted another finger and noticed the black ring encircling Hyungwon's length.

_He must've put it on in the shower._

“Restrain me then, nibble on my skin, leave marks, tell me how much you want me,” Hyungwon moaned and spread his legs a little wider while his hips continuously pushed against his digits. “Shit, you already take my breath away.”

Hoseok took Hyungwon's wrists and pinned them above the other man's head, his teeth sunk into his shoulder as he took the desperate movements as an invitation to put another finger inside Hyungwon's body, rubbing against the source of the other man's pleasure.

“I want you to take me,” he whispered, before clashing their lips together and licking into the delicious mouth like a hungry animal. “You make me so greedy, so fucking greedy for your body that I can't breathe.”

“Let me ride you then, I- I want to- please,” Hyungwon whimpered and pushed against him again, thighs trembling and erection twitching. “You can hold my hands and I will move on top of you.”

“Yes, do it, do it all,” he moaned while removing his fingers and let Hyungwon's hands go as he let himself roll to the side. “I- I think I have a condom in the pocket of my jeans.”

_Do you?_

He didn't remember, but he really hoped so.

“You don't need it if you're clean- and believe me that I am that is,” Hyungwon replied and smiled at him as he climbed right on top, skin hot against his own. The other man spread his fingers and let them run over Hoseok’s chest, shaking a little in anticipation. “Fuck, I can't wait.”

_He wants to have sex with you like this?_

“I- I am clean, I got tested for everything two weeks ago,” he whispered and looked up. “Do- you want to have sex with me without condom?” Hoseok was on the edge, shaking from the desire to bury himself inside Hyungwon's tight body that pulled him deeper and squeezed the brains out of him. “If you do, then take me.”

“Shit- I'll make you mine,” Hyungwon moaned and grabbed the bottle of lube to pour it right onto Hoseok’s dick before spreading it with his fingers. Shifting briefly, the purple-haired man arranged his body right on top of it before wrapping his hand around the base and lining up. Hoseok could tell how Hyungwon shivered on top of him in anticipation and the way his body relaxed gradually, lips parting but eyes remaining focused on his face.

“You're gorgeous, Hyungwon. Fuck me up,” he whispered and twitched in the other man's hand, unable to help another wave of arousal, knowing what was about to come.

Hyungwon nodded and slowly lowered himself on top of him. Hoseok felt the way his tip breached the tight ring of muscles and how the other man moved up again, visibly enjoying the friction before slipping lower. He repeated the motions until his behind finally touched Hoseok’s groin and he moaned loudly, shaking at the way it felt.

Pushing his wrists together, Hyungwon held them out towards Hoseok’s face.

“Hold onto me while I fuck you up then.”

_And then you can try out what you googled._

He grabbed both wrists with his left hand and pressed down, watching Hyungwon's face and making sure that it wasn't too harsh. He was too weak to refrain from moving, so he thrust up using the softness of Hyungwon's mattress and groaned at the hot tightness swallowing him up.

It was overwhelming how the other man screamed at the combined sensations, shaking and immediately lifting his hips to feel it again. Hyungwon easily built up a rhythm, pulling a little at the grip on his wrists but visibly enjoying it. He was chewing on his bottom lip and screamed each time that he slammed his hips down. Hyungwon was tight and kept contracting around him.

“Can I try something?” he asked in between his desperate moans and pulled Hyungwon into a hot kiss. “You have to turn around, so that I see your back.”

The purple-haired man nodded quickly, delirious from the pleasure, whimpering when he paused his movements. He didn't speak when he lifted his hips all the way to have Hoseok slip out of him, taking away the mind-blowing pleasure.

“Please do, but- fuck- I want you,” Hyungwon muttered desperately and tugged at the grip around his wrists again. Hoseok released them. For now.

As soon as Hyungwon turned, he stroked over the other man's gorgeous ass and pushed himself in carefully until he was completely buried inside Hyungwon's hot body. Curling his arms around his waist, Hoseok pulled him down on top of himself until his slim back touched his chest and reached for his thighs, lifting them in the air.

“Let's see if it's any good, you tell me,” he hissed before he started moving, fast and rough, sensual and then even rougher, teeth sinking into the golden skin of Hyungwon's shoulder that appeared to be right next to his lips.

Hyungwon didn't tell him how good it was and only screamed in reply, body shaking and contracting around him repeatedly. It was crazy how delirious the other man seemed, holding onto whatever he could grab a hold of and moaning his name repeatedly. “Please,” the low voice begged suddenly, combining with the sound of skin slapping against each other.

He loved the position, he loved the muscles of Hyungwon's thighs that flexed against his fingers, he loved the open-mouthed groans and screams right next to his ear and he loved the way Hyungwon pulled him deeper, squeezed him, made him his.

“You're driving me wild, I feel like I'm part of you. Fuck, you feel like heaven,” he groaned and lifted Hyungwon's gorgeous thighs a little higher to improve the angle. He moved without a pause, orgasm approaching like a train with broken breaks and begging him to just move a little more. The way Hyungwon reacted was so fucking arousing.

He could feel the way the other man tensed, pulled him in and finally screamed his name. Hyungwon turned limp suddenly, arms falling to the side and lower body relaxing around him. The other man's erection was still twitching with only a drop pearling at the tip. A few seconds passed until Hyungwon whimpered for more and scratched over his pale thighs, leaving bright, red marks.

Licking over his lips, Hoseok curled his arms around Hyungwon's slim waist and turned them, pressing the other man into the mattress and burying himself deep inside his gorgeous body with a sensual roll of his hips.

“Would you like more?” he asked, his own head screaming ‘yes’ ringing in his ears.

“Yes, please, Hoseok. Please,” Hyungwon begged and pushed against him, shaking uncontrollably. “But I- I need to take off the ring or I'll just- dry orgasm.” The gorgeous man was barely able to talk, shaking and whimpering from the arousal that hadn't quite reached its height.

He moved back a little and took Hyungwon along, enabling the other man to remove the black ring before falling back on top of him and pressing him down with his weight. Remembering Hyungwon's love for restraint, he took the other man's slim wrists and connected them at his lower back, holding them in place with one hand.

“Like this?” Hoseok asked and thrust into Hyungwon's body that seemed even tighter due to the position. “I'm so fucking close, you don't even know, I'm dying,” he murmured.

“Come for me, I only-” Hyungwon didn't finish and only shook from pleasure, pulling at the grip on his wrists and moaning loudly, screaming whenever Hoseok was a little rougher. Only a few more thrusts were necessary until Hyungwon screamed his name and orgasmed, whole body trembling and narrowing around Hoseok, astounding him.

The contractions were enough to send him over the edge as he groaned, releasing himself inside Hyungwon's body, abandoning his mind and sanity, all at once, just to soar somewhere where no thoughts existed.

Panting, he collapsed on top of the gorgeous man after loosening his grip on his wrists. His mouth immediately attached to the golden skin of Hyungwon's shoulder and he kissed along his tiny earlobe.

_It was the first time that you didn't think. You just felt, Hoseok. Him._

He felt overwhelmed by the realization that dawned on him as soon as the burning arousal exploded in his insides and began to fade.

“I'm yours,” he whispered. “I have always been yours. You're the only one I feel.”


	18. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
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>   
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Hyungwon's fingers did the one thing he enjoyed doing the most they travelled. It began very simply, the basics one might say, with a bit of wood, his bed to be precise. It could have been a forest, a place with peace and quiet and no humans around. The forest was one of the first special spots that Hyungwon had chosen for himself during his travels.

However, it didn't stop with the wooden bed, his fingers continued, moving the way a human strolled through the forest, past white sheets that could be little streams, past a thick blanket that could be mountains until finally- he reached a single human, a hot shoulder that was exposed and probably pale like the snow on the mountain tops.

Hyungwon chuckled quietly and kept his eyes closed, focused on the way his little traveler felt during his exploration. Fingertips were so sensitive and he could immediately tell when he left the texture of the blanket and arrived at Hoseok’s shoulders, then collarbone and if he slipped a little lower then-

His index finger stepped on a hardened bud, a condition that Hoseok’s nipples always seemed to be in, even when he was asleep. His fingers explored further, moving all the way up the curve of Hoseok’s neck, another mountain to climb, until they arrived at their goal. It was the gorgeous face of the other man, the heavenly pillow that was Hoseok’s curved lips and the calming sea and sand that were the strands of his hair.

_It's as if you have returned to the one place you love the most._

Hoseok’s breaths were calm, the exact opposite of an hour ago when the blue-haired man had moaned loudly as he thrust inside of him. It seemed like Hyungwon could still feel the tremble in his legs and the light ache in his behind. It was the pleasant type, the one that reminded him of how good it felt. Even now his skin tingled at the mere thought.

The gorgeous man he was hopelessly in love with was sleeping deeply, muscular arms wrapped around his waist and half of his face buried in Hyungwon's chest. It was adorable and he hadn't been able to bring himself to risk waking Hoseok up, even if he couldn't sleep that way. Hyungwon had been reading the other man poems and a few short stories he enjoyed and Hoseok must have been tired enough to fall asleep, grip remaining tight even in the middle of the night.

It was calm and Hyungwon loved it, feeling complete and at ease with Hoseok in his bed. It was like the other man was really his now, offering himself completely and saying that he would do anything for him.

_Anything, Hyungwon. Nobody was ever willing to do that for you apart from your father and that doesn't count._

It was scary to imagine that Hoseok was willing to sacrifice his career just to tell the world that he loves him, that he belongs to another man, a man that happens to be Hyungwon. A hopeless romantic.

_You can't do that, you can't ask him to do that for you._

Hyungwon wasn't going to, never. He knew what it could mean, how problematic it was with romantically interested fans and how much music meant to Hoseok.

_Can teenage love compare to a lifelong passion? Probably not._

Music was more important and what made Hyungwon special were the feelings Hoseok had towards him. He didn't need proof and if the other man struggled to come and see him or write to him, then it was okay with him too. It was a little surprising to him. With anybody else he would have cried and been upset, but as soon as it was the blue-haired man in front of his door he opened his arms and his heart. Why?

_Because he serves you his heart on a plate, every damn time._

Hoseok couldn't have been doing it consciously, not with how he melted as soon as they met, how he whispered his name even in his sleep, how he offered him everything and more and finally- the way he felt every single line of poetry that Hyungwon had ever written. It was all on his face, there for the world to see and for Hyungwon to experience all over again.

_You feel his music and he feels your poetry. It's perfect, a cycle. It's you understanding him and him understanding you._

Maybe they were really meant to be, meeting again and again, no matter the circumstances and what stood in their way.

_He's the person you've been looking for, the one who really understand you even when nobody else does._

 

_

 

Hyungwon awoke because of pain in his arm and the sound of whimpers. There were no comprehensible words but the repeated murmuring was enough to get his attention. His eyes opened and he tried to pull his arm away from wherever it was, but the weight was difficult to budge.

He attempted to turn, but he wasn't able to do that either. The tight grip around his waist had disappeared and only when he opened his eyes, did he realize that Hoseok must be having a nightmare. The blue-haired man was curled in on himself, muscular arms wrapped around his legs and face buried in his knees. It was barely possible to recognize that it was him, had there not been soft strands of hair and the weight of Hoseok’s head on Hyungwon's arm.

_He must be having a nightmare again, just like at the hotel._

His breaths picked up as he remembered how nothing had helped, nothing at all. Kihyun had also told him that there wasn't really anything he could do.

_You don't even have the strength to hold him._

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek as he kept tugging at his arm to remove it from under Hoseok’s head. When that didn't work, he simply curled it, wrapping both around the other man's body that remained in a fetal position and inhaling sharply. He was scared, scared that it didn't matter what he did, Hoseok still suffered. He tried to think of before, of the way Hoseok told him that he was happy around him, missed him and even wanted to try out something sexual. It was going to be fine, it had to be.

_And even if it won't- you are staying, Hyungwon, you promised._

He held his breath and tightened his grip, holding Hoseok in a strong embrace and stroking over his hair. Maybe it helped, maybe it didn't, but Hyungwon considered it better than simply running away and leaving him behind.

_He told you that he wanted to stay inside the nightmare because you existed there. Don't you dare hurt him._

His eyes burned from the helpless sounds that Hoseok was making. The other man sounded so scared even though there was no danger, nothing at all. There was only Hyungwon, holding him tightly and stroking his hair.

When the whimpers got a little louder, Hyungwon leaned forward and began to whisper into Hoseok’s ear, telling him how much he loved him, that it was warm and pleasant in his embrace, that he wanted to go to the sea with him again and kiss in the water. Everything that came to his mind and fit in between the soft sounds of ‘shh’ that he blew into Hoseok’s ear to calm him down. He didn't know who he did it for, the man in his arms or himself, but he felt a little less scared doing that, talking softly and with emotion until the whimpers finally subsided and Hoseok’s body stopped shaking.

Only when the other man's breathing frequency resembled that of somebody who was awake did Hyungwon release the air in his lungs. His cheeks felt wet, but it didn't matter, not compared to what Hoseok must have been living through in his mind.

“I love you so much, you'll be okay, I'll warm both of us,” he whispered and buried his face in Hoseok’s hair, inhaling the sweet scent and hoping that it would let him be strong again instead of crying when Hoseok was the one with the terrible nightmare.

“I dreamt that we went to the ocean together and the black cold water tried to swallow me. But then you came and pulled me out,” a low voice whispered next to his ear as Hoseok unwrapped, lifted his face and curled his arms around him hesitantly. “It means that I can get better. Usually it just swallows me, I sink to the sea bed and stay there. Thank you so much for dealing with all this. Thank you. No matter how ridiculous it might sound to you, I really think that you're summer. My summer. My Summer Child. I can't believe that someone like you exists.” The other man's grip tightened and he pulled Hyungwon into his embrace, placing kisses all over his face.

A penetrating ringing disturbed their twosome happiness. It was a default ringtone, so it couldn't have been Hyungwon's. Hoseok groaned and reached down, searching for his pants and pulling his phone out. The caller ID said KiKi which must've been Kihyun.

_He calls him Kiki?_

Hyungwon instantly thought of that really cute Studio Ghibli movie and it somehow didn't fit with Kihyun's narrow eyes and the intimidating aura.

“Hey, did something happen?” Hoseok pressed the speaker to not hold the phone against his ear.

“I won't ask whether you're with Hyungwon because I know. Someone followed you, Hoseok, there are pictures of you in front of his house and he’s hiding behind the door wearing or not wearing clothes, I can't tell, I mean why would he even- ah never mind. I need a story, but my brain is not able to provide a believable one.” Kihyun sounded devastated.

“I- I don't know. Can't we- just tell the truth?” Hoseok whispered in reply, round eyes focusing on his face and waiting for his reaction.

_But you purposefully looked around, before letting him in._

“I thought I checked,” Hyungwon whispered, but it wasn't really an answer to Hoseok’s silent question, namely whether it was okay to announce that he was dating a celebrity and that millions of teenage girls were going to hate him and send him death threats written in menstrual blood to his workplace. It was going to be lovely.

_Unless they ship you, but they never do when it's really gay._

“Do you want to tell them?” he asked back, fingers playing with the blanket pooling in his lap. It would be more freeing apart from the stalking that would most likely follow, in addition to ruining Hoseok’s career unless his fans magically didn't mind. “It might make it difficult to appear on TV and perform.”

“Have you lost your mind, Hoseok?” Kihyun asked into the phone, voice serious and stern.

“The thing is- you can make up a story or whatever, but I had plans anyway. I wanted to take a few months off from performances and TV appearances and go on hiatus to be able to concentrate on my mental health and on making music. Before that I actually wanted to tell my fans that I'm gay and give them those few months to deal with it before I come back. If there are only 10% of them left, it's fine, at least I know that they really like me for my music.” Hoseok was calm like a deep lake, his voice and his facial expression hinted that the other man must've thought about his decision for a long time.

_He's right, he hates being liked for his looks instead of his music._

“Oh god.” There was silence on the other end of the line as the seconds ticked by.

“I- I support you in this,” Hyungwon said, loud enough for Kihyun to hear but still a little scared. It was going to be a big change unless they left England to live somewhere secluded, but then Hoseok would have to take Lauren along and she probably had a family and didn't want to live god knows where.

_Can't you just go to the sea and stay there? You don't need your job anyway._

“I- is that really what you want, Hoseok?” Kihyun's low voice finally sounded from the speaker.

“Yes. I thought about it. I want to move too, I want a house with a garden where I can see the moon.” Hoseok was looking at the ceiling, as if imagining a place where he could be himself. He looked at peace with himself.

“O- okay. If it's something that you want then we will find a nice way to do it. Your health and happiness come first for me. I hope you know that. Let me just try to spare Hyungwon from this mess and then we can think how and when to announce your hiatus. Are you feeling okay?” Hoseok's best friend seemed to have changed his attitude, his voice was full of affection and worry instead of the usual passive aggressive attempts to influence the other man's opinion.

_He really cares about him._

He removed the blanket from his body and stood up, moving a little closer to the phone and taking it from Hoseok before placing a soft kiss to the surprised man's face.

“Thank you, Kihyun, but you don't have to worry about me. Even if somebody wants to write an article about me it won't come out, not with my name. They'll switch it to either a different name or call it _mysterious lover_.”

_You forgot about your father, he won't allow any articles._

“What? Who are you, the Prime Minister's bastard son?” the low voice asked with a hint of sarcasm.

Hyungwon chuckled at that. It wasn't quite it.

“Not quite, but I'm supposed to keep it low,” he replied and glanced towards Hoseok who’s eyes were focused on him. He blew the blue-haired man a kiss to get rid of the tension. He never really got to talk about his parents with his previous lovers, not more than his mother's shenanigans that is.

_Because your father prefers you dating ‘mere mortals’._

“Keep it low, huh? While wearing a suit worth more than my life and grinning at cameras at the airport and living in a house worth 10 million pounds. You're doing great,” Kihyun murmured and he could see Hoseok's eyes widen and make him look like a whole new human.

_Well, that's not what you meant by staying low._

He smiled apologetically towards Hoseok and grabbed his pale hand to press a kiss to the back of it. Then he returned his attention to Kihyun.

“Spending money is not the problem, having scandals with celebrities is, getting famous for things people have mixed opinions about is. Haven't you been curious why there wasn't a single article showing my face when I ran away in Barcelona and took Hoseok along? There were definitely enough people with cameras there.” He shrugged again and silently hoped he wasn't going to get shit for that anytime soon. He was definitely getting more attention than usual. Being a gay O-NO fan was subtler. “And you're probably the only one who knows that it was me behind the door on the social media stuff from last night, right?”

 “Yes. But it's only a matter of time. I think O-NO should go on hiatus soon, otherwise it'll blow up. You're not invincible, Hyungwon. Even if you might think so. There's always a line.” There was a long sigh before Kihyun continued. “Do you hear me, Hoseok?”

Kihyun was right. Of course, there was a line. As soon as somebody blew up the whole thing on social media it would become more difficult to control without more direct involvement.

_Like suing and threatening people._

Hyungwon sighed and stepped closer towards Hoseok, wrapping his arms around him. Something told him that the blue-haired man not saying a word was always a bad sign. He kept holding onto the phone but didn't look anymore, merely hiding his face in the crook of Hoseok’s warm neck.

“Isn't going on hiatus after the tour nice?” he asked quietly and brushed through the soft, silky strands. It was unbelievable how nice Hoseok’s hair was. He wanted to rub his nose through it and think of nothing else.

“It is. Schedule a press release for tomorrow, KiKi,” the beautiful, sea-haired man murmured and curled his arm around him, stroking over his back carefully.

“Shush, don't call me that when people are around,” Kihyun hissed, before gasping loudly. “What? Tomorrow? It's crazy- or not?”

“He's not people. He's me,” was the brief reply, as Hoseok's muscular arm reached for the phone and hung up after saying his goodbye.

_He considers you a part of him. Holy shit, Hyungwon._

“Just- just like that? Will you be fine? I mean- I'm happy and I'm especially happy that you want to go somewhere else because there is nothing that I want more- oh right- if I'm coming along that is. Do you want me to come along? Shit, I'm just constantly assuming and have no idea what's going on, god.” He groaned at his verbal diarrhea and dug his face deeper into Hoseok’s skin, hoping that it could disappear and make everything less complicated.

“Will you be okay riding the bike for hours and sleeping in a tiny black tent?” Hoseok smiled softly and pulled him into a warm hug. Maybe it was his imagination, but the other man's skin appeared warmer than it usually was. As if the winter was melting like an ice cube under his fingertips.

_It must have been so pressuring for him, all of it, until this moment._

“I'm fine with anything as long as you are around, Hoseok. I'm terrible when I don’t have to pay attention to my clothes. I just get dirty, roll around in sand, say whatever I think and probably complain about butt pain. I haven't ridden a bike since- since the burn, but I will if it's with you.” He smiled brightly and lifted his head to meet Hoseok’s gaze. It still felt difficult to believe it was possible even though he had seen it from up close countless times. He knew all of Hoseok’s facial expressions, the smiles, the tears, the pleasure, the concern, the gigantic eyes he could make when he was surprised. Hyungwon knew it all now.

_Are you really going to do this? All those things you're not used to?_

The answer was pretty simple. Hyungwon wanted nothing more than to leave London and go somewhere secluded, somewhere without anybody else, only Hoseok, nature and their breaths.

“I thought our travel plans would be more upscale, but- but this is also nice, really nice. If you are fine with having me breathe next to you while wrapped around your body, then- then I'll definitely be there. I promised, didn't I?”

“What about your job? Your friends? It seems to me as if I'm some kind of tyrant ripping you from everything you know and love. But I'm also selfish, if you want to come with me I won't try to stop you. I can't.” Hoseok sat up and cupped his face in his palms. The dark eyes were full of emotion, hurt, fear, affection and tenderness, all displayed in the black sea that stared back at him.

“I don't care too much about my job, it was my way to be close to what I like- well- you.” Hyungwon laughed a little and realized how obsessive that actually sounded. “I mean- I do enjoy it, but there are things I enjoy way more. I'm not dependent on it. I care about my friend more but… we'll come back, won't we? You'll miss Kihyun too.”

Hyungwon had never been particularly good at _not_ throwing himself at his lovers.

“I thought of going for two weeks, I think they will probably find me by then. If anyone is interested that is.” A low chuckle sounded from the other man's lips as he reached for his underwear. “We're going the day after tomorrow and you can only take a backpack.”

_A backpack?!_

Hyungwon thought he was perfectly ready for this, but now he felt pretty damn close to taking a fucking jet and placing Hoseok’s motorcycle inside. Goddammit, how the hell was he supposed to pack everything he needed for two weeks into a single backpack?

“Are you delusional? That's never going to work. I need makeup, and something pretty to wear and a hairdryer and- listen, otherwise I'm just going to look like back then. A mess. I don't mind getting dirty or whatever, but I want to be pretty for you. So pretty that it takes your breath away.” He whispered the last bit, staring at Hoseok’s gorgeous face.

“You are gorgeous, no matter what. Just take your underwear- although- never mind, screw the underwear, just take five pairs of shorts and five t-shirts that you'll ruin. And lube. You might want to take lube. Shoes are obligatory on the bike, I hope you remember.” Hoseok was having the time of his life laughing while trying to get dressed and holding his stomach at the same time.

It was sweet and Hyungwon couldn't help laughing too, even if he was desperate. He couldn't wait to float on the cool water while telling Hoseok to look at the stars. He didn't even know where they were going, but it simply had to be better than London and its stuffy air.

_Maybe you can go back, roll on the sand and listen to the waves while finally telling him that you love him instead of thinking of saying it in French._

Hyungwon couldn't wait.

_

 

“You're leaving for two weeks? But you only just came back!”

Minhyuk was waving around Hyungwon's holiday application and widening his eyes comically. When he turned his chin into a walnut at the same time it was a little bit terrifying.

“Yeah, Hoseok and I are going on a trip and it's going to be amazing. It'll be on his bike with a tent and stuff, really exciting!” he exclaimed and hoped that his best friend would understand. After all it was the one thing, he wanted to do the most, but didn't because of work and that one promise that he hadn't kept.

_You said you would only travel again once your poems work out._

Of course, he could have considered Hoseok liking them a success, but… it wasn't really. It was another confirmation of what he had thought from the beginning, namely that it would be impossible to make it without external help. Hyungwon hated to admit it, but that's how it was. It was okay, he could deal with failure and his inability to be successful in the one thing he enjoyed the most.

_You thought about it when you found out who Hoseok really was and you'll think about it in the future._

Had their life been a romantic novel, then Hoseok would have been a singer and Hyungwon should have been a poet, writing works for each other and publishing them under their successful names. But unfortunately, it wasn't a romantic novel. Hyungwon was an event manager that didn't really need to work and Hoseok was a singer that had to go on hiatus because of mental health issues and a possible scandal surrounding his sexuality.

He sighed while Minhyuk stared at him quietly.

“But I thought you-” The blonde man pressed his lips into a thin line and threw the holiday application on Hyungwon's desk. “I thought you wanted to write first, to publish something under a pseudonym or whatever.”

“It's not good enough yet, and I'm not sure it will be. But maybe it'll get much better after the holiday. I might get inspiration. I'll come back in two weeks, it's not forever, is it?” Hyungwon smiled even though he felt a little disappointed in himself. It must have been the way Minhyuk felt as well, sad that Hyungwon had given up so easily.

_It's not easily. It's been years._

Maybe it was better this way. Hyungwon had to stay low anyway. It might be better to write only for Hoseok, to have one person that enjoyed his writing even if nobody else did. Hoseok had been the only one apart from Minhyuk that liked his poetry, such was life.

“I still don't believe that that's how it is, that no matter where you send your poems nobody likes them enough to publish. People are just stupid,” Minhyuk muttered, rushing over to squeeze the living daylights out of him. It was sweet and Hyungwon was glad that his best friend cared so much, enough to be emotional about his literary success.

“It's okay, I'm happy- really. I got Hoseok and he even made a song out of my poem! Now it's kind of published, isn't it?” Hyungwon chucked and peeled Minhyuk's hands off his neck. “The two of us can also go on holiday together someday, now that I broke my promise anyway.”

Maybe it didn't really matter anymore. Hyungwon had Hoseok and he would have the beach and sand and if he wanted to express something, he had somebody to listen and appreciate.

It was perfect, wasn’t it?

_

 

Hyungwon groaned loudly and removed one of the silk shirts that he had added to the heap in the middle of his bedroom. It was his way of packing, throwing everything he wanted to take in a giant mountain of stuff and removing everything that he wasn't able to take.

It was incredible how much had changed in such a short time. Several years ago he would have worn the same shirt and the same shorts for several days, laughing obnoxiously and swimming naked, not even bothering with swim shorts. Maybe he didn't need anything, only his body which would get even better as soon as he left dirty London.

A familiar ringtone caught his attention and his phone made its way to the edge of his bedside table, vibrating excitedly until it stopped. An alert.

_You only have alerts for Hoseok._

Excited, he grabbed the device and clicked on the notification. It was a live video.

Hoseok was on TV, greeting everyone and bowing his black head. Black. It was black.

Hyungwon's eyes widened and for a brief moment he thought he was dreaming, fingers tingling and strange sensation of disbelief spreading through his limbs. He glanced to the side, to the full-size mirror that showed him perfectly, sitting on the floor in his underwear right next to a heap of clothes. His eyes were the chestnut brown color that he knew and his hair was black, just the way it had been back then.

_Both of you did it, at the same time._

Hyungwon had been partially nostalgic and partially practical about it. He wasn't too sure about the two weeks and he didn't want to have to dye his hair during the time they were there. Black was safe and beautiful.

_But this time it's only partially due to your mood._

His thought was interrupted by the familiar low voice, sounding strange from his phone speaker.

“Thank you for showing so much interest towards my person. I have an agenda of three main points today that I will talk about quickly to not waste your time.” Hoseok looked sure and so so different with his black hair, it was astonishing. “First topic concerns my sexuality that should be a private matter, but as I would like to stay honest with my fans and not encourage any romantic feelings in anybody, I wanted to announce openly that I am gay and also in a relationship with a childhood friend I've known for a very long time.” Kihyun looked dead pale after the words, he must've not known what Hoseok was going to say. Kihyun was the only childhood friend his fans knew about.

Hyungwon swallowed at the words and had the futile hope there wouldn't be too much backlash. He could already see the mass of outraged comments, fans shocked at the news even though it shouldn't have mattered. He clicked the comment box away and focused on Hoseok’s face. The other man was so determined, Hyungwon hadn't seen him like that before.

“The second topic is something that I have to do for my mental health and I hope that you can support me in this, so that I can come back healthy, happy and with new music. I'm going on hiatus for about two months, it might be longer or a little shorter, but I need this time for myself and I'm going to take it. During this time, I'd like to ask everybody to refrain from personal inquiries. If you see me on the street, please ignore me, it would be a great help.” A smile spread the pale cheeks, as Hoseok looked right into the camera of the Twitter feed he was watching, as if he knew it. “And now- something that I'm incredibly happy about and want to share with you, namely new music. If you heard the beautiful poem, I read at my Manchester concert, it will be familiar to you. The lyrics come from my favorite poet, working under the pseudonym Summer child and I hope that I will have the opportunity to make more music with his poems in the future.” There was a shy smile, gorgeous and so innocent and grown up at the same time that it forced him to gasp as he watched Hoseok grab his silver microphone and step in front on the reporters.

His voice was heaven, just like the musical accompaniment, it was so beautiful that it hurt. The words that Hyungwon put so much effort into, left Hoseok's dazzling lips and turned into music for everybody to hear. After he finished, the now black-haired man bowed and left the stage.

Hyungwon wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, like a piece of paper that was tugged at from both sides until it eventually ripped. He didn't quite feel like he had ripped though. Instead, he grabbed those two opposing emotions and enveloped them in a bone crushing hug.

Maybe it was foolish but he kicked his heap of clothes, grabbed five shirts and five pairs of shorts as Hoseok told him to. He added several packages of wet tissues, lube, condoms, a cockring, a toothbrush and deodorant and stuffed all of it into a backpack. It was big and leather but still qualified as a backpack. In a last moment of nostalgia, he grabbed lip balm and his notebook and stuffed them in too. Then he dressed in something normal like a shirt and ripped jeans. Shoes were simple, socks and sneakers. Once he had everything, not allowing himself to change his mind anymore, he ran out, jumped into his car and drove to the location of the press conference. He had no idea whether Hoseok would still be there, but he was going to find him. With a helicopter if necessary.

Thankfully, he was able to mingle in the crowd with his black hair and simple clothes. He watched as Hoseok stepped out, accompanied by Kihyun and two bodyguards who the other man patted on the shoulders and sent away after they'd left the venue. He looked good, even better than on TV. The pitch-black hair made him look even paler, but somehow dangerous, just like the way Hoseok had looked at him, back then in his bedroom. The grey shirt and blue ripped jeans completed his simple outfit as he walked to his motorcycle that stood right next to Hyungwon's car, almost missing him with how focused he was.

“Hyungwon,” he murmured, staring at his hair as if it was on fire.

Relief washed over him at the realization that he wouldn't need to act like a stalker and follow Hoseok all the way to wherever the hell he wanted to go. Not hesitating for long, Hyungwon simply ran the few meters and jumped on the back of Hoseok’s motorcycle, like extra luggage that was attached firmly and couldn't be removed.

“Just think of me as a backpack,” he whispered and rubbed his fingers over Hoseok’s seat.

“I'm going nuts,” Kihyun muttered in the distance before turning around and walking towards the entrance to catch reporters.

“Your hair-” Hoseok commented, but caught himself and threw one leg over the bike, after he gave Hyungwon the second helmet that he kept under his seat. “In reality, I'm your backpack, if we're honest,” the other man murmured before starting the engine and looking over his shoulder. “Hold on tightly, summer child.”

_He was the first one to call you that and the first to make it meaningful._

Hyungwon felt ten years younger, heart beating furiously and fingers shivering a little as they dug into the fabric of Hoseok’s shirt. There was something plain and youthful about him when he switched back to black hair. He always looked like a boy instead of homme fatale or whatever he was going for.

“I'm sorry,” he called out towards Kihyun, feeling bad for the mess they were leaving the other man in. “Tell me what you want, you can have it all.”

 _You're basically playing Bonnie and Clyde_.

It was reckless but the thought alone was already exciting. He wanted to bury his face in Hoseok’s shirt and breathe his scent while riding over the highway. If there wasn't the helmet and English roundabouts that is. Reality was always a little less romantic.

The engine growled and Hoseok pulled out of the parking spot, before accelerating like a crazy person and riding away from the cameras and questions, leaving only them, engulfed by the wind and the hammering of his heart.

“Are we going to my place?” Hoseok screamed after a few minutes.

“I'm yours, take me wherever you want,” Hyungwon screamed back, feeling a little stupid because it sounded so loud inside the helmet.

There was a chuckle before he felt Hoseok's cold hand on top of his as the other man wheeled his bike with one hand only, right through the afternoon traffic.

“I love you. I'm yours too, but I still have to pack. Reality is against me. I spent the time practicing my new song to not fuck it up. I've never been as nervous before, I think it's because I have the responsibility to deliver someone's words and I'm scared to fuck up even more.”

“You were amazing! I was sitting naked on my bedroom floor but fifteen minutes later I'm here, like a crazy bastard,” Hyungwon yelled again and dug his fingers deeper into Hoseok’s sides. Hopefully it didn't hurt too much, but he was a little scared by the sharp curves.

“I wish I was the bedroom floor,” Hoseok said as they turned into the other man's secured garage and Hoseok parked his bike in a huge spot that was obviously meant to fit a fat ass car. The other man only needed a fucking cage around it to top it off.

“You can be way more than my bedroom floor,” Hyungwon yelled and laughed loudly until he realized that it wasn't necessary and he probably looked like an idiot. Pulling the helmet off his head, he chewed on his cheek and watched Hoseok’s face, a little embarrassed by his own antics. So much for saying something sexy. “I packed last minute. It's unfair because you have time and I just look like a teenager on a backpack trip. Apart from the ripped jeans, those are cool.”

“I'm also packing last minute because I decided to go today. I think that it'll get worse the longer I stay here. Are you down, summer child?” Hoseok took off his helmet, revealing a gorgeous smile and raven-black hair hanging in the dark eyes.

It took Hyungwon's breath away even though he had thought there was no hair he loved more than the sea hair. It was like a curse, each time O-NO had changed his hair Hyungwon was the first to announce his death on Twitter, but here he was, ridiculously happy about pitch black. The sight suddenly reminded him of his own thoughts when he was sitting next to Hoseok ten years ago, watching him instead of the sea. The black hair had emphasized his pale skin, but Hoseok had seemed much thinner back then, unlike now.

“Y-yes,” he whispered and just stared, dumbfounded by the sight.

“It's weird, right? I had to go black because it's safer and I don't have to care about being recognized on the street. But I like the hair, it's been a long time. I should've been bald by now with how many times I dyed it.” Cold fingers curled around his wrist, as Hoseok pulled him to the elevator and put a card inside, typing a password and removing the card again, so that they finally got going.

“Same,” Hyungwon whispered and chuckled. If anybody should have been bald then it was probably him, dyeing his hair like others changed their underwear. “But it's not weird. It's nostalgic and makes me want to stain your shirt with my tears. Watch me wash your feet with my hair because you're the Korean Jesus.”

“What are you even talking about? It's some Twitter thing again, isn't it?” The other man pushed him against the wall and pressed a kiss to his lips. Black eyes closing immediately.

Hyungwon melted into it despite them being in the elevator. His eyes fluttered shut and he slipped one of his perfectly shaped thighs in between Hoseok’s. They were the perfect size for that, just enough to rile him up instead of letting him think about packing his things.

“You're evil,” he whispered even though he was the one arousing the singer.

“Is it disrespectful if I want to bend you over my bike?” the black-haired man asked with a nasty smile as he leaned back and the doors opened right across from the entrance to his apartment.

Hyungwon shook his head quickly, partially because he didn't care whether it was disrespectful and partially because he didn't feel capable of speaking properly.

“You'll be the death of me. I'll just ride your fucking dick on the beach and we'll have sand everywhere and it'll be terrible but we'll do it anyway.”

_That's probably why you decided not to speak._

“What I wanted to ask- do you still have the house in Sarzeau?” Hoseok asked shyly, looking like a puppy after casually asking him whether he wanted to get fucked while bent over a motorbike.

_He must be fucking kidding you._

“Yeah, it's my parents’ favorite house, they wouldn't sell it, ever.” He pursed his lips and resisted the urge to throw Hoseok to the ground and turn him into a whimpering mess.

“Could we borrow it for two weeks? I mean, I really love my tent, but I have to buy a new one, but buying a new one makes me sad, so I'd rather not buy any at all, but I wanted to go camping so I have to buy one, also, if- if we want to be close, it'll be really hard to always go to the showers and you might hate me- so,” Hoseok finished and licked over his lips. “I just want you to feel comfortable. That was the essence.” Kicking off his shoes, Hoseok got rid of his shirt and opened the button of his jeans, running around with vline on display and looking like a fucking five course meal. Black hair adding to his gorgeous appearance.

Hyungwon watched in awe like he was witnessing a striptease, waiting for the next piece of clothing to drop while counting the seconds until his patience ran out. There weren't many left.

“Of course, we can stay there, that's what it's for. I- I'm happy you want to go there, you didn't want to before-” Hyungwon knew exactly why, so he didn't elaborate on that. “There is everything we need and it's huge to fit our whole extended family. You could have orgies there if you wanted to. Shit- you're so considerate! I was worried about always having to interrupt and run somewhere since you're probably used to women and it's all a little easier.”

“You want to have orgies? Why? Am I not enough? I can also tie you up if you like, I told you that I'd do what you want, all of it!” How could a person look adorable and fucking hot at the same time?

“God- it was a joke, Hoseok. One dick is definitely enough, especially when it's yours,” Hyungwon replied and laughed loudly. “You don't have to do everything I want. Do what you enjoy and we'll figure out what goes. What you did last time was pretty-” Hyungwon licked over his lips as a mass of inappropriate words passed through his mind, “hot.”

Hoseok mimicked his expression before he finally met the dark gaze that he loved so much, as the gorgeous, half-naked man stepped closer, slowly approaching him like an animal on hunt.

“But what if- I enjoy you?”

“Then…you might have to make sure to keep your glass filled,” Hyungwon whispered back and reached out to grab Hoseok’s opened jeans and pull him closer, chests touching. “What would happen if I told you that...I showered and fingered myself while imagining that it was you?”

There was a hiss and sharp teeth that sunk into his shoulder as Hoseok's grip tightened.

“Then- I would tell you that I could fuck you against the wall or while holding your body in the air for as long as you want me to,” Hoseok whispered, voice low and sensual.

Hyungwon didn't reply and merely dug his hands into the simple shirt he was wearing and pulled it off his body, landing somewhere in Hoseok’s hallway. He was chewing on his bottom lip and feeling the way his erection had already reached its full hardness in a matter of seconds. He unbuttoned his jeans next and pulled them down his long legs, ditching his underwear with them until he was standing in front of Hoseok, stark naked and already breathless.

“Please,” he begged.

***

 

He felt so good, so incredibly good that it seemed like a dream. Coming out, going on hiatus, performing the song he had written for Hyungwon's poem, all of it without major problems. It was a miracle and he couldn't be happier, especially after Hyungwon came to meet him and climbed on his bike, ready to leave on a moment's notice. It was the best.

Google had been his friend over the past weeks, as Lauren advised him to watch some fine gay movies, or any porn that wasn't trash, to get used to the process and to add conscious plans to his previously unconscious actions. Watching through the short movies of a gay film studio that he came to like, he did his best to not immediately tell himself that he was able to do the same, but there were quite a few things that he wanted to try with Hyungwon, if the other man was up for it. The fucking while standing had been one of those things.  He had never thought that the dazzling black-haired man would undress and beg him after his words, but fuck- he wanted to hear more of the desperate moans and screams in addition to the constant ‘please’ that was like music in his ears.

_You can't just talk and not do anything, Hoseok._

He didn't mean to, it was simply shocking, so it took him a few seconds before he dipped his fingers under the waistband of his underwear and pulled everything down his legs, remaining naked in front of Hyungwon. The tall man looked so incredibly hot that he couldn't help it and dropped to his knees and crawled closer, biting and licking along his golden thighs, before taking his beautiful dick into his mouth.

“Nonono,” Hyungwon muttered before pulling at his hair forcefully and gasping loudly. “If you touch me, I'll come too quickly without a cockring. It'll be fine if you don't touch me, I can have dry orgasms that way too. I only need…” he trailed off and shook his head like he tried to return his senses as he reached for his gigantic backpack and pulled out a bottle of lube. A strawberry was drawn on it and the liquid was pink. “There.”

“You're already prepared?” he asked, letting Hyungwon's warm erection slip out of his mouth and licked his lips. Shit, he wanted to take the other man's body and let it sink on his dick.

_That's what porn did to you._

“Yes- I-” Hyungwon began and licked over his lips, eyes sliding down Hoseok’s body like the black-haired man was eating him with his eyes, dick twitching briefly. “I fingered myself while showering, I'm as ready as… it goes I guess.”

_Fuck._

There was nothing stopping him, besides his position, so he jumped up and took Hyungwon's thighs, lifting the other man in the air and pressing him against the wall in his hallway. An unusually high yelp left Hyungwon's lips at the sudden action and he lifted his hands in the air, rubbing over the white tapestry. Good that he had no pictures. Holding one hand out for Hyungwon to pour some lube on it he made quick work before lining up and moaning, just from the thought alone.

“I can't think about anything else, it's as if you erase my thoughts and replace them with you, fuck, you're so fucking hot.”

“Then fuck me, Hoseok,” Hyungwon cursed and rubbed his black hair over the wall, moving downwards and uncovering his forehead. A moan already left his lips even though Hoseok hadn't entered him yet. Wiggling briefly in his hold, the gorgeous man whimpered and scratched over his shoulders, leaving angry red lines. There was something fierce and challenging in Hyungwon's eyes as they narrowed and focused on him. “Come on.”

_He wants you. He wants you as much as you want him._

He inhaled and focused his gaze on Hyungwon's eyes as he pushed himself inside the hot, incredibly tight body and removed his hand as soon as he was a third inside Hyungwon.

“Do you want me, Hyungwon?” he asked, while licking over his lips.

A low moan left the gorgeous man as he nodded quickly, attempting to slide lower but unable to do so because of Hoseok’s grip. The nodding only got more vigorous the longer Hoseok didn't act on the reply.

“Please,” Hyungwon whimpered eventually and scratched over his shoulders again before tugging at his hair to exhale against his lips. “Please, Hoseok.”

“God, you fuck me up,” he hissed and loosened his grip, letting Hyungwon slide down on him slowly. His own lips parted in a moan from how amazing it felt, it was not comparable to anything else he had felt before.

“Shit, I hope it's not too-” Hyungwon began and groaned at the sensation, contracting around him. It was at the border of painful but not quite there. “Not too tight, it's been a while after all and- and I used two and- shit, this feels amazing. I feel every fucking vein, Hoseok.”

“It feels as if you're choking me and I'm loving every second,” he moaned, letting the other man's body slide further down until he was completely buried, panting loudly from the need to start moving, to make Hyungwon scream, to show him what he could do.

The beautiful man whimpered and his eyes were half lidded but still watching him. Soft fingertips followed the red lines they had created only moments ago, careful and tender, so different compared to the way Hyungwon's body kept narrowing around his length.

“I want you to- to fuck me up so bad, you can't even imagine. Make me scream, go rough, I'll love it, I swear, please.”

“Stop me if you don't like it, okay?” he asked and leaned in for a soft kiss, twitching inside Hyungwon's crazily tight body.

_Now you can show him and see whether it's something that he enjoys._

Grabbing the slim hips, Hoseok pressed Hyungwon further against the wall and moved back before slamming his hips into the other man roughly, almost dying at the friction, but repeating it nevertheless. It felt so fucking good, Hyungwon's thighs in his hands, the skin that touched and the way the other man had parted his plump lips to moan and scream his name, Hoseok loved all of it.

Hyungwon screamed and hit his head against the wall with force, clenching around him and twitching between their bodies. He must have liked it with how he didn't bother keeping his eyes open and attempted to meet his thrusts.

“Shit, just like that- shit- please,” he muttered repeatedly, trembling in his hold.

“Hold on,” he whispered and moved back from the wall, worried about hurting Hyungwon by rubbing his back against the rough surface.

He had more space to move and Hyungwon's long legs curled around him perfectly. Hoseok started moving fast and rough, trying to get the right angle while his sanity left him once again, disappearing somewhere between their bodies and low moans.

“Take me, you're making me yours again, I can't think,” he hissed, still slamming his hips into Hyungwon's gorgeous tight body, longing for more and more.

The black-haired man lost coherency as he merely whimpered and screamed in alternation, nails scratching over his back. A few drops of sweat were developing on Hyungwon's skin and running down past his nose until they dropped between them. He was beautiful with his blood red lips and pink cheeks. Bliss was written on every feature of his face and apparent in every sound that left his mouth.

Hoseok really loved it, but he also wanted to bend Hyungwon over his desk, so he moved towards his studio and wiped over it, letting the mouse, CDs and documents fall to the ground as he pulled out and stared into Hyungwon’s face, probably looking like a madman.

“I want to fuck you on my desk. I’ve wanted to fuck you on my desk since that time you lay here and I sucked you off,” he murmured while his hands roamed over Hyungwon's body, running over one of the dark nipples and stroking over his skinny waist.

“P-Please do,” the other man stuttered and reached to the side to hold onto the edge of the desk as he spread his legs further. There was so much precum on the tip of his erection, running down the length. “My endurance is terrible without- without aid,” he whispered and his erection twitched again, letting more precum flow down.

“Fuck, you're gorgeous,” he whispered and slapped one of the golden butt cheeks, before pushing himself inside and groaning at the feeling. He was so close and Hyungwon didn't make it better with his dazzling face, his beautiful voice and his tight body that kept pulling him deeper, sucking his sanity out of him. “Give me your hands, I'll hold them safely.”

Hyungwon was delirious as he loosened his grip on the edge of the desk and lifted his hands towards Hoseok, moaning loudly and screaming with each rough thrust. He looked dangerously close, not focusing on anything in particular and shivering uncontrollably.

He already knew the game, so he took both of the other man's wrists and held them above his head with his stretched-out arm as he rolled his hips into Hyungwon, moaning and cursing, begging and groaning, all of it, because it felt like a marvelous dream.

A few moans were perfectly sufficient to have Hyungwon scream his name and release between them, body shaking and hands trembling in Hoseok’s firm grip. He was so gorgeous, eyes rolling back and mouth opening wide until he finally let go and turned limp.

The contractions around his dick were enough to send him over the edge, moaning the other man's name and releasing inside him.

“I'll carry you to the shower,” he muttered as he fell on top of Hyungwon and his release. He should be packing his bags for the trip, but the newly found confidence was something that he enjoyed a lot and wanted to show off. It was proof that he could get better. He could.

_You can._

“You'll be the death of me, blissful death,” Hyungwon muttered quietly and wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck, legs following right after. “Hallelujah.”

_Hallelujah to whatever allowed you two to meet again._

_

 

The wind that played with his black leather jacket as the cheering got Hyungwon's long fingers that held onto his sides and fisted his shirt during especially narrow curves, reminded him that he was on the road. It felt unreal, so different from what he was used to. No cameras, no flashes, microphones and phones held right into his face. No spotlight and no cheering crowds, just him, the wind and the warm chest that pressed against his back.

_It's as if everything that mattered to you before fades away until there's only the core._

He thought a lot, as talking wasn't an option, especially while riding over the French highways. He thought about the white house, the piano, the weird looking teacher with his black moustache that reminded him of super Mario, ridiculous, as if someone had glued it to his round face. Lauren showed him pictures, he couldn't believe it. His memories were so different from reality, there was nothing about the short man he should've been scared of. Apart from what he had done to him, eradicating his childhood by taking his insides and leaving only emptiness and a black void that he was forced to carry around until now.

It was scary to fight the void, to make it leave, especially when it seemed as if there was nothing inside him besides this sea of blackness. It was him, his core, how was he supposed to get rid of it?

It was like this, wasn't it? Of course, one could've said that memories could be corrected, forgotten, that it was possible to move on and to live a _normal_ life, without nightmares and flashbacks, without the constant feeling of imminent danger, distrust and fear. But it didn't change the fact that there had been a part that was forcefully taken away from him, something crucial, a flower of innocence of trust, the childlike belief that nothing bad would happen to him, that nobody wanted to cause him harm. It was ripped from him, leaving him in the blackness, unable to do anything, helpless, reminding him that he was bone and tissue, nothing else.

Children think differently, don't they? They don't understand the way the adult world works and maybe it's also good for them, but there is no way for a child to accept the dreadful things an adult can do, the horrendous consequences of the selfish use of power dynamics and lack of understanding.

Why?

_It's something that can't be answered. She told you. There is no ‘because’._

There was no answer to the question why and he doubted that he would've felt any different if there was an answer. It happened and it settled inside him like depression. It just was, without any reason or purpose, like the weather.

_But if there's no purpose, then there's no reason to keep it._

It sounded so easy, but still he felt helpless, like back then, unable to understand and to deal with it. Sure, it got better, he was able to be close to Hyungwon, to consciously be in love with a man, to admit that he enjoyed it, all of it. Still at times, his mind made him feel guilty, dirty, bad. Bad for enjoying something that had ruined his childhood. He knew. Of course, he knew that it had been different, but still, a feeling wasn't something he could control. It was something he could reflect on and he did.

Always.

Even if it was hard.

_It's always like this. You're not the only person who has destructive thoughts. Everybody does. You just have to work on them._

Hoseok was smiling when he turned into the broad paved way that led to the huge white house he had been ridiculously scared of before. His breathing was normal and the hands around his waist gave him an additional reason to be calm.

_You can spend some time here, with him and think about what it is that you want and need._

He needed music and he needed Hyungwon, but more than anything else he needed to dig down to his core. The ‘beautiful, colorful self’ Kihyun was always talking about. The thing Hyungwon had seen back then at the beach, it must've survived in the depths of the ocean and he wanted to find it. The only reason for taking Hyungwon along was the fact that the black-haired man had seen it. Always.

_Maybe he will help you._

“It's huge,” he murmured while dismounting from the bike and feeling how sore his balls were. It was a mess. “It looks even bigger than I remembered it. I can't imagine being scared of it before.” He placed the helmet on the seat and ruffled up his hair before glancing at Hyungwon, who dismounted from the bike carefully, even though the exhaust pipe was located under the seat.

“It was smaller before, my parents added sections over the years. You see the block with the gigantic balcony at the side? That's new, my grandma wanted it as a goodbye present even though she never managed to come here once it was completed.” Hyungwon sighed and brushed over his ripped jeans, removing stray dust and sand that covered him from the last part towards the house. It was right next to the sea after all.

He smiled watching Hoseok try to arrange his hair in careful strands instead of the various directions it pointed in. “You looked really scared back then,” Hyungwon began but smiled a little. “That's why I didn't say anything, even though I was a little sad.”

 “I felt as if it would swallow me and I really didn't want to faint in front of you. Not that I want to faint in your house ten years later either, but you got me by surprise.” Smiling shyly, he waited for Hyungwon to show the way.

“Sounds like solid reasoning to me.” The other man nodded before his face transformed into the incarnation of sunshine, bright and ecstatic as he laughed loudly and simply ran towards the front door. He fumbled in the right pocket of his tight jeans until he finally found a tiny transponder, pink for some reason, and unlocked the door.

“Come on! There is so much to show you!” he exclaimed and beckoned Hoseok to come after him as he threw his shoes off, somewhere next to the front door like they had insulted him.

Smiling, he carried Hyungwon's backpack which the other man had dumped on the grass and both of his bike bags, trying not to lose balance, as he stepped inside and slipped out of his shoes.

“Yeah, feel free.”

“Okay now listen up,” Hyungwon began before he engaged in a detailed description of every room, when it was added to the house, why it was there, which relative lived there and how terrible or wonderful they were and finally which rooms were his favorite. “The hallway,” he explained simply. The hallway was his favorite room, not his own room, not the kitchen, not the pool, not his playroom, but the hallway.

“Okay, so you're telling me that the hallway is your favorite room? This means that I can dump your stuff here?” he asked and dropped the other man's backpack in the middle of the hallway, assuming that there wasn't anything fragile inside.

The sudden frown on Hyungwon's face told him otherwise as he reached out and pulled a small bottle of transparent nail polish out.

“It survived,” he commented before laughing and putting it back again and shaking his head. “But you can carry everything to my room or my parents’ room, mine could be a little childish for you. I- I haven't been here for years. Even _I_ am a little surprised by some of the paintings, they are new.” Hyungwon pointed at a painting that looked dangerously real and just like a work by Van Gogh.

“Crazy shit,” he murmured. “It sounds weird if you say ‘your parents’ bedroom’, I immediately assume that I'm in no way entitled to use it,” he murmured, weirded out by all the money hanging on walls and standing around in the form of ridiculously expensive looking furniture.

“Well- I just use whatever. I haven't been here on my own yet either, it's- unusual. My aunt isn't here telling me that I'm a scoundrel that wastes everyone's time and hard work and does nothing but put random splotches of ink on a shitty notebook. It's peaceful like this,” Hyungwon replied and scratched at his temple while his lips pulled together, looking even plumper. “I can show you my room, but I have the vague suspicion there might be your face somewhere.” The black-haired man looked a little ashamed, rubbing over his mostly visible thighs.

“Can't be worse than the room with the huge poster. I'm still a little shaken, to be honest. But maybe nobody will like me when I'm back and you can take it down.” Hoseok grinned and followed Hyungwon along the hallway, up a spiral staircase to a white door.

“I'm never getting rid of that, it's my precious and you can't convince me otherwise,” Hyungwon exclaimed and giggled, opening the door and revealing a spacious bedroom, filled with a big bed, a single tiny wardrobe, four bookshelves that were completely filled with books and a small table and chair in the middle of the room. Even now there were masses of sheets, stained with ink and words lying on the wooden desk.

“Oh god,” Hyungwon muttered before running over and collecting them into a messy stack, as quickly as he could. “Just pretend you didn't see this. Dear god, this must be so bad.”

“I want to see all of it,” he murmured and took the stack out of Hyungwon's hands inspecting the written words carefully.

The other man ripped it out of his hands before he was able to finish reading the first, messy line. Hyungwon's handwriting was difficult to read.

“Don't-” he exclaimed and his face was a bright red, like he was ashamed of the words he had written even though Hoseok had enjoyed all of them until now. “It's not- not good enough. It's years ago. I must have been eighteen or seventeen. It's- most of it is-” He didn't finish and sucked his lips into his mouth, breathing a little quicker than only a moment ago.

“I made a song with a poem you wrote ten years ago. What are you talking about?” he whispered, taking the paper stack back carefully. He looked at the other man's beautiful face and saw something that shouldn't have been there. It had only appeared a few times and he hated every single one of them.

“Do you know what fear is, Hyungwon?” Hoseok asked and stared into the familiar chestnut-brown eyes.

“Failure is fear to me,” Hyungwon whispered and his lips were trembling. The hand that had been holding the stack of papers was shaking too.

“Failure? What is failure to you?” he asked, pushing a little and stepped closer.

“It's-” Hyungwon paused and his teeth settled on his bottom lip, keeping it from showing his emotional state. “It's screaming into a void. It's when I scream and scream but nobody understands.”

“You want to be understood?” He lifted his eyebrow and couldn't help the way his mouth parted in surprise. He was used to screaming into the void and getting no understanding besides the usual display of affection on Twitter. “But why?”

“Because it's the only thing I can't do. I speak and people are confused, I sit down, focus and write down my thoughts and still it doesn't get through. Writing is the only way I can express myself properly and- when nobody understands it's… terrifying. It's like there is nothing to me, nothing in my head, you know? It's...I can't really describe it, again.” A shiver passed through Hyungwon's body and he curled his hands into fists. “Those poems...I wrote them a long time ago and most of them… they are probably about you.”

“But I understand. I understand your poems, it feels as if you're speaking to my soul.” He reached for Hyungwon's beautiful face and stroked over his cheek. “Can I read them?”

Another rough breath left the other man's lips as he finally nodded. It was so unusual to see him terrified like that.

Hoseok’s eyes fell on the first sheet of paper, written in blue ink and crossed out at several spots. Glancing towards Hyungwon one last time he began to read.

 

‘My feet are heavy in the sand  
The beach is damp, the waves are cold  
My friend the sun averts his gaze  
I try to keep my eyes fixed on  


My feet, to keep my thoughts right here:  
The beach - but they are heading for  
My friend, for you who made me soar  
I try to dry my eye. A tear  


Falls at my feet  
So damp the beach  
I miss you, friend  
I can no longer fly  
I will not try.’

 

The second line had been crossed out twice until a younger version of Hyungwon had finally chosen the right line, letting the words reappear in every stanza but with different structure.

“You can fly. You can fly so high that you can see that colorful core of mine I heard existed but forgot what it felt like. You're the most special person I have ever met and it makes me so sad that we didn't spend those ten years together.” There were traces of his warm tears so he wiped them away quickly. “But who knows. Maybe- back then I might not have gotten enough strength to fight against the blackness.”

“I missed you, hoping that you'd return for another holiday like we did. But you didn't,” Hyungwon muttered before stepping closer and wrapping his arms around his neck, hot breath tickling the skin below his ear. “You didn't, so I wrote, poem after poem. But I didn't think any of them were good enough, so I left them here to rot.” There was a shaky breath until he could feel a warm smile spread Hyungwon's lips.

“You were strong, even back then, I know it.”

_You weren't. But it's so nice that he thinks that._

“I wish I could make them mine. All of them, breathe them, carve them into my skin and sing them. I don't want you to feel fear, I thought you were not capable of it. You shouldn't. There is nothing you have to be scared of.” Hoseok kept murmuring those words as his hands settled on Hyungwon's lower back, stroking over his covered skin, carefully rubbing circles with his thumbs.

“I guess it's what happens when you are a child and think that everything you do is grande until you grow up and realize it's all one big _désappointement_.” The black-haired man chuckled but it sounded wrong, hollow instead of the sun with all of its rays spreading out and warming from the inside. “You can have them if you like. You understand, I see it on your face. Who knows, maybe that's enough and I don't need more than that.”

“Yes. I want to have them. If understanding is what you need, I will do everything I can to reach more people who might.” His arms circled the slim waist and he closed the short distance between their lips, tasting Hyungwon's plump mouth that parted as soon as their lips touched.

“But I- I want it to be because of the content, not the influence. It's a promise I made with myself. I wanted to reach more people with my works through my own strength, through the content and not through my father's influence or your fame,” Hyungwon whispered and hummed lowly, like he had accepted his fate. “Unfortunately, I haven't managed to yet, so... _trés triste_.”

“But- how is it different from what I do? 90 percent of the people who like me, do so because of my ass, as you like to say, so my fame doesn't mean anything. And your works are amazing. I'm not the only one who thinks so, Kihyun knew the poem by heart last time I tried to spam him with facts about you. And he's really not someone who will bullshit. Anyway- does it really mean this much to you? Is it the reason for your fear?” He came to France to search for his core but found Hyungwon's source of insecurity instead.

“It's the one thing that matters, the one thing I want to be really good at. I could do anything, you know? I could choose a profession randomly and start doing it if I want to, supported by my family and shitloads of money. But I want to write, just like you want to sing. The difference is that you made it, winning over people with your music and voice and I- I didn't. What other proof is there that your work is good apart from recognition? I don't know. I broke my promise, but it was for you, so it's okay.”

“What promise? I never thought that my work was good, Hyungwon. I told you, I think it was when we first met. I told you that I'm sitting at the edge of a huge void and I scream into it. It's still the same, the words change, but it's still me desperately screaming something. There was exactly one time when I heard an answer and saw a face and it was you. You standing in the empty O2 arena with your pink hair and singing the lyrics of my song. I think people always want things they don't have. I would really like to live without being buried under the tsunami of fear that waits for me to relax or to feel something nice, only to strike me down, to make me want to stop existing. And you want to be understood. I'd rather take both.” His breathing frequency picked up and he loosened his embrace, feeling the wave coming, scary and ready to bury him under the masses of black water.

Instead of letting go, Hyungwon suddenly tightened his embrace and jumped up, wrapping his long legs around his middle as well. He was shaking his head furiously.

“I won't let you drown, never. I told you that I'll warm you up, even when everything else is cold. My promise had been to never return here until I become known, but you know me, so maybe that's enough? After all you are the person that connects everything, this place, my writing. You're the protagonist of all of my thoughts, even if I didn't know that at first. I love you, really,” Hyungwon spoke quickly, voice low and breaths just as ragged as his own. “Let me be your sun.”

“It's unfair. I want to be your sun too, but I'm just problems. I can't even concentrate on your misery because I'm getting a panic attack from the thought that you might be suffering,” Hoseok muttered, hands shaking and inhaling deeply.

_You have to think about something else._

“Can I tell you something personal? It bothers me and maybe it will distract you,” the black-haired man whispered and kissed his eyelids. “It doesn't make me cry, so it's not all that bad.” Hyungwon chuckled, more cheerfully this time.

“Tell me.” He looked up, concentrating his gaze on Hyungwon's pretty, sand-colored skin and his red lips, victims of constant chewing.

“You know, actually I'm pretty sure that my dad wants me to take over his enterprise, be important and all, Korean tradition and what not. The thing is- writing was always my excuse. Of course, they don't force me or anything, they aren't assholes, but not getting anywhere doesn't make this whole writing thing seem like a serious job to them, you know? That's why I did event management and drowned in your music and extra work, to make it seem more like ‘a real job’. I hoped to get a following on Twitter with poems, but fun fact- I have exactly four followers. You, and three of Minhyuk's accounts. That tells its own story. Oh right, whenever I sent something to a journal to be printed, I also got rejections. I feel like I'm only speaking your language.” Hyungwon laughed loudly and let his index finger travel over Hoseok’s curved lips, drawing their outlines.

“Bullshit. This is all bullshit,” he murmured and let Hyungwon down until the slim naked feet touched the ground. He had promised not to use his phone, but he got it out of his pocket, determined to retweet every single poem for everyone who followed him on his main account. There were ten missed calls from KiKi and one single WhatsApp message. Swallowing, he clicked on it and read the short sentence under Kihyun's name.

‘Give me a call. Bloodaxe Books wants to see more from Summer child.’

He had no idea what Bloodaxe Books was, but summer child was definitely Hyungwon, so he looked up and put his phone into the other man's face.

“I have no idea what this is about. Should I call back?”

“Oh my god,” Hyungwon whispered and stared at the message as if said god was located inside Hoseok’s phone. “Did you work with them before? Is that why they want to see more?” he asked suddenly, eyes narrowing like he was creating conclusions inside his head that weren't too positive.

“Okay, first of all, I have no idea who that is, second, who the fuck calls themselves ‘Blood Axe’, really? Are you sure they don't want anything fishy?” He grimaced and imagined a blood axe as a company logo.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Hoseok? This is _the_ British publishing company for poetry. If I want to read Rilke in English, they published it. Fuck, half of the books in this room were probably published by them. I can't believe this, someone must have fucked with the info, gotten involved. I don't know. But my parents don't know my pseudonym, it was on purpose.” Hyungwon looked so lost, staring at the message and at his hands as if they were going to dissolve into thin air any second. “I'm not good enough for that yet, fuck, they'll get disappointed.”

“What? It's a publisher?” he screamed into Hyungwon's face, disbelieving that Kihyun had good news for once. “Let me call.”

His fingers were quick, dialing the number, fidgeting until his best friend finally picked up.

“God- I thought it was one of the press cunts,” Kihyun cursed and sighed. He sounded tired.

“Sorry. I read your message but I have no idea what it means,” he admitted and wanted to make sure that Hyungwon understood it the right way.

“Ah, yeah, Bloodaxe called and asked me for Hyungwon's details, but as he's the president’s bastard son, I told them that they're confidential. I did give them the Twitter Username though, they were really happy. Anyway, if Hyungwon feels bored with his millions and hoes, he can get his pretty lines published.”

_He drank, didn't he?_

“Millions and hoes?” Hyungwon echoed next to him, eyes wide like he couldn't believe the words had just left his best friend's lips. “Is Kihyun okay?”

“Are you drunk, KiKi? It's 3PM. Is it that bad?” He couldn't help but feel responsible - because he was. It was his doing and he simply left his best friend to deal with all the backlash.

“Fine, millions and O-NO,” the other man murmured and started laughing like a maniac at his pun. “Nonononononono, Bunny, everything is splendid, your song went platinum, you lost quite a lot of followers but the gays are on your side so the power is strong. I just couldn’t sleep for the two days you've been gone because people keep calling me. Because of you, because of Hyungwon, because of your collab I was about to put my phone on silent mode, down the third glass of scotch and knock myself out, before you called.”

“Holy shit,” Hyungwon hissed before pulling out his own phone. “Do you need help, Kihyun? I could get involved to reduce the press coverage if you like, calm the whole thing a little.”

“Nah, I'd miss Bunny too much if there was nothing to do,” Kihyun murmured shyly. He must've been piss drunk.

“I love you, thank you and now please go to bed. Just send me the contact details of the weird blood people for Hyungwon.” He developed a sudden urge to hug his best friend and thank him for everything, but he had done it seven times before the press conference so it must've been an unreasonable wish.

“Can't we just bring him here? He seems lonely,” Hyungwon whispered, quiet enough for only Hoseok to hear. “I could send a helicopter or something. I don't want him to be miserable.”

“I don't think he wants to watch us- if you know what I mean. Plus- it'd be compromising because of what I said. They might think we're in a relationship and it will be a mess. To be honest, I hoped that he could take the time I'm away for himself, his love life, his friends. He has been there for me all this time,” he whispered back while putting his phone on mute.

“I love you too. Bring me the colorful core when you come back.” Hoseok could hear a smile through the phone, before Kihyun hung up. His phone vibrated, an email notification. His best friend was crazy. Crazy good.

“This is weird,” Hyungwon muttered suddenly and lifted his phone so that Hoseok could look at it. “The publisher followed me and suddenly they don't, then they do it again and then don't. Do they have issues?”

“Just write them, or call, or do nothing. It's your choice.” Hoseok smiled and put the phone into Hyungwon's palm. There were a lot of things the other man had to think about, so he left him in his old room, with his old poems and the contact information of the publisher who probably wanted to print his works.

It was just Hyungwon and his own decision.

Just like he wanted it.

After changing into shorts and a fresh shirt, he walked out to the beach and sat down, opening a can of Manchester beer that he brought along, cold and tasting like salty, sparkling summer.

Hoseok couldn’t believe he was at the same beach from ten years ago, sitting in front of the house he was terrified of and sipping on a beer. He also couldn’t believe that he went on hiatus to take care of himself and his mind, that he took Hyungwon along, his love, his savior, summer child, the words to his emotions, the only person he felt understood by. For the first time in a long while he felt as if something inside him was different. Something was missing, something that had usually accompanied him no matter where he went.

_There’s no fear, Hoseok._

The realization caused a breath to get stuck in his lungs. He wasn’t scared. For the first time in what seemed like forever. He didn’t feel the liquid dread, the sense of danger, the intimidating feeling that something would happen. He just was. Sitting on the sand in the middle of France and drinking his beer, hoping that the love of his life would become happy and satisfied, that his best friend would not be overwhelmed by the onslaught of work, that he would find a new house with a garden in London without paying all his fortune for it. Normal thoughts. Thoughts probably every normal human had.

Sure, he wasn’t healed, he still had PTSD, he still was in treatment and he still had nightmares and panic attacks, but he was on his way. On his way to understand and experience what it meant to live while not having the feeling that you jumped off a building and simply waited to hit the asphalt, insides turning and preparing for the deadly collision.

He thought about the ocean, whether Hyungwon would decide to get his poems published, which ones the other man would choose, whether he would ask him for his opinion, whether his face would show happiness or sadness when he came out of the house to search for Hoseok. What he would wear.

Random thoughts.

His new-found luxury.

***

 

It felt surreal, to be back, to have Hoseok next to him, to have so much information coming in at once. It started with new paintings on the walls, continued with old poems that were brought back to life and finished with blood-fucking-axe publishing showing interest in his works.

His heart was beating fast as he sat on the bed that he had spent most of his childhood summers in. Hoseok’s phone was lying on his lap, opened on the email that Kihyun had sent him. It looked serious, with all the contact details and the right signatures. It was scary but also exciting, his body felt hot, but not the familiar type of hot, something that resembled happiness, bubbling under his skin.

_Are they interested because of your words, or because of Hoseok’s way of presenting them?_

He was being paranoid, the publisher had his Twitter account and read through several of his works. It was up to him, some of it was even retweeted. The longer he stared at the appearing followers, the more he was surprised by them disappearing again. It was strange, incomprehensible that it was happening to so many at once.

_As if it's impossible to follow you._

There was only one person that could make that possible, but Hyungwon didn't want to think about that yet, not when he felt so impossibly happy and ready to explode in a bunch of pink sparks.

_Just call, you won't know if they're really interested unless you do._

It was his own decision, he wanted to try, to get his works out there if somebody was really interested and wanted to read it. Money wasn't really what mattered to him.

_You need to keep it secret for now, under a pseudonym._

Hyungwon was going to try and do it, to have his poems published under a different name without anybody knowing about it, knowing who he really was.

_You can talk to your parents later, about what's going on around you._

_

His steps were loud through the empty house, running from one room to the next, ripping the door open only to close it again. Only when Hyungwon had looked inside every single room on all three levels, did he realize that Hoseok wasn't inside the house. The knowledge conjured a smile on his face.

_He must be on the beach then._

Hyungwon was so fucking happy, he could have embraced a damn hedgehog and not realized the pain. He slipped out of his tight jeans as quickly as he could and replaced them with brown summer shorts, showing most of his thighs but he liked it that way.

The breeze was fresh when he ripped the entrance door open and stepped outside, inhaling deeply and tasting salt on his tongue.

“Hoseok!” he called out and ran along the sand, throwing it around carelessly and enjoying the way it felt under his toes. He hadn't worn shoes since they’d arrived.

He could see the other man's hair as he sat on the white sand, can of disgusting Manchester beer next to him and wind playing with the black strands. His back was so broad, otherwise he could've been the boy from ten years ago. Hoseok turned, after hearing his screams and smiled.

“Come here,” he said, patting the silver sand next to him.

Hyungwon didn't hesitate before sitting down and not bothering to clean the spot. Smiling brightly, he turned to Hoseok, intertwining their fingers.

“Bonjour,” he whispered and wiggled his eyebrows.

Hoseok smiled brighter than the sun, eyes turning into gorgeous crescents.

“I don't think that you want my beer, do you?”

“I do, but only because I love you,” Hyungwon replied and kissed Hoseok’s soft lips only for a second. He stretched out his hand, waiting for the cold can of beer.

“Fine, here, even though you look fifteen,” the gorgeous black-haired man teased him with a smirk and gave him the can. Hoseok was breathtaking, skin the color of pearls.

“Why do you think my hair is never black?” Hyungwon asked back and sighed before opening the can and taking a sip. It tasted the same, a little bitter and sparkly. “It's the same, tastes illegal even though it isn't anymore.”

“How is your fear?” Hoseok asked, focusing on the waves. His dark eyes were so much fuller, deeper, now that he could compare the reality to his childhood memory.

“I think happiness ate it with a pinch of salt,” Hyungwon replied, chest still burning with excitement after the phone call. “They want to publish several of my poems. It's amusing but they like the ones about you the most. I said I want to stay anonymous.”

“That's amazing. I like my song about you the most. I guess people can feel what we might feel when we write. It would be cool if I could call someone who would take my fears too.” A sad smile appeared on the handsome features as Hoseok took the can and sipped on the cold drink.

“Can't I do it?” Hyungwon whispered and let his fingers dance over Hoseok’s muscular thigh. He wanted to do the same, to calm whatever worried Hoseok. But the past months told him that it wasn't as easy as he had always believed. “I want to take your fears, bury them under the sand like I do with my feet.”

“Sounds nice. But the thing is that I can only do it myself. It doesn't work smoothly, you know? As soon as I take care of one thing, feeling the levity and pride of managing something I tried to avoid doing for years, another thing pops up. It seems like a never-ending story, a void and no bottom in sight.” Hoseok's naked elbows dug into the sand as the black head flew back, accompanied by a loud groan.

“I'm a bottom,” Hyungwon said before apologizing. “I'm sorry, probably not the time for shitty jokes. I just don't really know how to help apart from being there and being myself. I believe in you, I hope you know that.” His face was burning as he stroked along Hoseok’s thigh again, enjoying the texture of his shorts and how tight they were.

“It's always the right time for jokes, that's how we deal with depressing reality. I know that you believe in me. You're doing everything I have ever wished for and I love you more than anything. It's- it's a lot of work and it might seem to you as if nothing is happening. I'm still having nightmares, they're different now, but they're still there. I'm enjoying being close to you, I love it, but my head plays games with me sometimes, trying to persuade me that I'm a bad person for loving it. It's a lot, it's a whole fucking carriage of shit that I pull after myself and I would love nothing more than to dump it somewhere and run to you, but I'm taking tiny fucking steps while you can probably smell all of it. Fuck.” Hoseok's eyes were closed as he talked, but Hyungwon could see the movements behind his eyelids clearly.

_He feels like he's burdening you._

Hyungwon shook his head and climbed onto Hoseok’s lap, wrapping his arms around him and kissing each eyelid in succession.

“I can only smell the sea, the sand and the sweetness that is you,” he whispered and shifted a little closer. “You are the first man I have been close to, have I told you that?”

“Wh- what? You know that this doesn't make any sense, right?” The black round eyes focused on him, right after he leaned back, sparkling and wide.

“It does. I properly admitted to being gay only a few months before that. I haven't been really close to anybody apart from holding hands, kissing cutely and jerking off in boy groups. They didn't really allow anything that involved touching you know, so I've been careful. With you-” Hyungwon inhaled deeply as the memory of Hoseok’s hot body in the sleeping bag filled his mind. “I imagined so many things, impatient to feel and taste you until your parents suddenly came back.”

“I was basically dying. I wanted to touch you too, but I was scared. Back then- I wasn't this aware of my mind and its tricks, I also didn't think about it this much, so I was conflicted. Between wanting you and not knowing what would happen. It's so funny how there was a similar feeling when I kissed you in your garden. You were also the first man I was close to. In any way.” The pale cheeks turned pink as Hoseok looked to the side, probably embarrassed by his reaction. It was almost the same as ten years ago.

“I wanted to sleep with you back then, to take you into my mouth and to find out what it felt like to have you inside of me. If only you knew all those thoughts that were coursing through my head back then. I was shaking to hold back even though I was scared cause I’d never done it before,” Hyungwon replied quietly. Hoseok’s reaction warmed him from the inside, making him shake a little on top of the other man's lap. He had never reflected too much on what happened back then, on what could have or shouldn't have happened.

_You might have caused more damage back then, by going too far._

“Oh god. You were fifteen. I mean, not that I didn't have any thoughts, but I guess my avoidance behavior was working exceptionally well back then. I just felt hot. I remember how hot your body felt, like the sun. Like summer.” The other man licked over his lips and focused his gaze on his face. His dark eyes complimented the blushed cheeks and pink lips, raven black hair was spread on the sand and over Hoseok's pretty forehead.

“I had such thoughts way earlier than that,” Hyungwon commented with a chuckle and let his hands run over Hoseok’s broad chest, hot and muscular to the touch. It warmed him from the inside and sent a tingling sensation to his groin. “I felt like dying in your tent, hot and suffocating from the desire to touch you. Your body felt amazing under my fingertips, the way you responded, how you told me that touching you couldn't be what I really wanted. I even asked you to be naked, but you declined, do you remember?” He rolled his hips forward, unable to help it.

“You did? I can't remember that one. Must've been my brain trying to act as if it never happened. I would've died for sure. I was all slim back then- well, not down there, but in general.” Hoseok chuckled after hissing at the movement of his hips.

“Really? You're bragging about your dick now?” Hyungwon laughed loudly and slipped a hand between their bodies to pinch Hoseok’s groin, lifting an eyebrow right after. “I loved you back then already, but I can't say I don't approve of…” he curled his other hand around Hoseok’s biceps, “the changes.”

Hoseok watched him intently, gaze sliding over his face to his neck, chest and thighs before focusing on his facial features once again. The other man's dark eyes were penetrating, burning like fire on each spot they focused on.

“You- I don't even know how to describe it. You managed to become more beautiful, more graceful, more- sexually attractive. You have gorgeous hands and I love your plump lips and your round nose, but you also kept your childlike levity, it makes you shine, like a real sun. I was in love with it back then and I'm in love with it still.”

Hyungwon's body caught fire like a dry log, tingling sensation getting stronger in a few seconds and making him harden in his shorts. There was no way that Hoseok wouldn't realize, not with how close they were, muscular thighs flexing under his behind. His lips parted but he didn't say anything, staring back and trembling. It was fucking crazy how quickly Hoseok could turn him on, with a single gaze only.

“You- you look so stunning like this,” the low voice whispered, as Hoseok lifted his upper body slowly and without a single sign of strain, forcing him to lean back a little, until their faces were only a few centimeters apart. “It almost seems as if I'm looking at you, worshipping your gorgeous face and body and you're pouring yourself into a glass for me, waiting to be tasted. If you were gin, I would be a hopeless alcoholic.”

Hyungwon's heart was hammering in his chest as he watched the gorgeous black color of Hoseok’s eyes. He wanted him, he wanted him so fucking much, even though they had been talking about problems a moment ago.

“Taste me,” he gasped when the heat between his legs became unbearable. “Please, Hoseok.”

“Let's go inside,” was the low reply before the muscular body shifted under him and pulled them both to their feet. Hoseok’s gaze was so fucking powerful, it was able to make him shiver and beg, to make him follow without a second thought. Anything.

As soon as they entered the hallway and the door closed, he felt Hoseok's muscular arms around him. He flew against the other man's chest when Hoseok stumbled on a piece of furniture and took him along, ravishing his mouth, his neck, pulling his hair and roaming all over his body with both hands, desperate and urgent.

The tables had turned a while ago, switching from Hyungwon being the one in control to giving all of it to Hoseok. The black-haired man took over him easily, doing everything that he enjoyed and more, burning him down. His erection was throbbing between his legs, but he knew that he would come too quickly if he asked to be touched.

_You also have to clean up, fuck._

“I want you, I want you, Hyungwon, I want you so much that I'm going crazy. You want it too, right? I'm not the only one like this, right?” Hoseok was babbling while his hands basically ripped every layer of clothing from his body in a never known desperation.

“Yes, I want you too, so fucking much, but I'm not a girl and-” Hyungwon really hated the workings of anal sex sometimes, how much more complex it was compared to having a vagina. “You can fuck me in the shower, then- then you don't have to wait and- shit, Hoseok. Please, take me.”

His brain was scrambled and he just wanted to put a cock ring on to stop worrying about coming in a matter of seconds. Bullshit, he just wanted Hoseok inside of him.

The other man acted deaf and sunk to his knees, taking his dick into his mouth completely, letting it hit the back of his throat and moaning around it.

Shit. Hyungwon moaned and whimpered the other man's name, pulling his hair desperately and begging for more. He couldn't breathe properly, and neither could he form a coherent thought. He wasn't even aware if he said too much, begged for things Hoseok couldn't fulfil. He had no idea what he was saying even though it was merely a blowjob. Shit, he was fucking losing it, but it seemed as if he wasn't the only one.

Hoseok's black eyes were eating him like a desert while the gorgeous curved lips sucked the sanity out of him. The other man's hands played with his balls and grabbed his ass tightly, only to push his lower body further into Hoseok's handsome face.

“W- why? I'll- fuck- I'll just come like this,” Hyungwon muttered and tugged harder on Hoseok’s hair, loving the silky texture and feeling how his legs were about to buckle from the pleasure.

“You can come, and then you can come again, and again. Let's find out how many times you can do it,” Hoseok murmured after letting him go for approximately two seconds before eating him up again, hungry and eager.

“Oh my god,” he gasped and gave up, slipping down and closing his eyes from the mind-blowing pleasure that was building up. Shit, he wanted him so much, so fucking much. “Will you play with me, Hoseok? Drive me mad, make me scream, beg for you. Shit, you could tie me to the bed and feed me cum and I'd say thank you.” Goodbye sanity.

Hoseok coughed once around him, before taking him really deep, moaning and sending intense vibrations through his length. The other man seemed to like it as he took his body as if it was something incredibly tasty and fed on it like a lion. The fact that Hoseok liked it so much was almost enough to throw him over the edge. Unable to help it, he pulled Hoseok’s face against his groin and released himself down the beautiful man's throat, screaming his name. Only a second passed until his body gave out and he sank to the ground, breathing heavily.

“Fuck my life, shit- I'm sorry. Are you okay?”

“You're so fucking gorgeous, fuck,” Hoseok groaned after sucking up and biting into his thigh. The black gaze was still there, eyeing his body, his lips, the way he lay under the beautiful black-haired man, naked and fucked out. “I want you.”

“Right- fuck- give me-” Hyungwon tried to think, but his orgasm had taken coherency from him. “Five- five minutes and then- then you can fuck me just the way you like it. Shit.” He tried to stand up and make his way to the bathroom, but his legs felt like jelly. “You're a fucking kink, shit.”

“Take your time, I can wait, I have this image I have to calm myself.” Hoseok licked over his lips and rubbed over his groin.

 Hyungwon moaned at the sight and sprinted towards the first bathroom he remembered the location of as quickly as he could. His brain was scrambled and something told him that he was going to sacrifice walking over these two weeks.

_It might be the happiest two weeks of your life._

He couldn't fucking wait.

_

 

The days passed quickly despite both of them putting their best efforts into spending them lazily. They took walks along the beach, dined at small restaurants in the nearby area that Hyungwon knew well, and explored a ruin that wasn't too far from the house. The daylight was spent with writing and composing and eventually reading to each other what they had written, until the wooden floors were covered in an even layer of their clothing and Hoseok made him his again, drowning in his body instead of the black waters he feared.

At night they lay on the sand and watched the stars for as long as they were visible, moon illuminating the dark purple sky. It was beautiful and felt like a dream. His feelings and thoughts appeared similar, like fifteen-year-old Hyungwon might have had exactly the same associations upon staring at the milky way and its star formations.

When it was late enough for every single sound to fade into silence, even those of the birds, the two of them stripped on the silver sand and stepped into the water, going for a quick swim just like Hyungwon liked doing it before he went to bed.

The dreams were there, coming unexpectedly and waking him up, air filled with the scent of fresh sweat and whimpers until they slowly faded into soft exhales and the sensation of warm air against his skin. It woke him up, but it was okay. He held Hoseok as tightly as he could and slept longer to compensate. He enjoyed waking up to big black eyes watching him and his naked body, sprawled out over the big bed, light emphasizing the smooth transition from his skinny waist to his narrow hips. The black eyes weren't the highlight though, the bright blush was that covered the pale skin. Hoseok was so beautiful, innocent in some ways but not in others.

There were still times when the other man apologized for his reactions, for staring at him for too long and freezing while watching him shower. It was nothing to be ashamed off or consider himself disgusting for. Hyungwon made it his task to tell Hoseok each time he had sexual thoughts about him, watched him or simply wanted to be close. It was often, almost all the time and nothing to be ashamed of. Unfortunately, it wasn't the knowledge that Hoseok lacked.

The house was always quiet in the afternoons, after their late lunch when Hoseok retired to the room with the piano and composed. There was nothing for long moments until his beautiful voice filled the air, thick but weightless at the same time until it faded away again, creating another break of nothing. Those moments have brought a lot of inspiration before, words that appeared on white paper and added to the stack on Hyungwon's desk.

Usually both of them created at the same time, away for a few hours until the distance ate them from the inside and they went at each other like starved animals, kissing and touching, hands brushing over each other’s faces, naked arms and hips. More than once Hyungwon explored Hoseok’s limits, teased him while dressed by rubbing over his groin repeatedly, loving the thickness he could feel through the fabric. The other man had cracked then and taken him right where they stood, making him scream his name like a mantra and the only prayer that was able to save him. It still felt like it was.

Hyungwon was lying on his bed this time instead of writing, staring at the ceiling that still had the glow stars stuck to it that he asked for as a child. They were pretty, arranged in the form of some of his favorite star signs. Hoseok’s voice sounded from downstairs once in a while, but not often enough to soar and forget himself. They were planning on going to the small mountain after the black-haired man was done, the one where Hyungwon read his poem to Hoseok for the first time.

It was fascinating how quickly an ‘I’ and a ‘me’ transformed into a ‘we' and an ‘us’. Hyungwon found himself planning everything together, every trip, every major career decision, everything that involved their future. It wasn't his anymore, it was theirs, something that they shared. He hadn't really felt that way before. It had always been him in love, him missing affection, him sacrificing something for another person, him choosing to live without them and abandoning the love. Now there was no him anymore, there was only them, Hyungwon and Hoseok. They were planning where to go the next day, what to eat, whether they want to watch a movie. They decided what they would do once they returned to the city, met Kihyun and Minhyuk and confronted whatever had changed over those two weeks.

It was always them, like they belonged together, a single entity that had finally been repaired.

Hyungwon smiled at the thought, lips spread wide while he played with the phone in his hand. He didn't quite manage to make the decision and call, it wasn't a pleasant call after all.

_But one you need to make, to get clarity._

He pressed on the name in his contacts, heartbeat picking up in apprehension.

“ _Soleil_?” he instantly heard his mother's voice, smile audible. She sounded cheerful.

“I wanted to ask you for a favor, _maman_ ,” he muttered, voice becoming even lower and sterner than it usually was.

“Of course, honey, everything you want. You know that is never a problem and you only have to ask.” If his mother was surprised by the sound of his voice, she didn't show, keeping her cheerful demeanor. It was almost like him, a personified ray of sunshine, kept from harm to shine especially bright and only with the color they wanted.

He hummed to show he heard and understood until he pulled at the sheets with his free hand and uttered his request.

“Don't get involved,” he whispered and had to swallow at how rough it sounded. He had never talked to his mother that way before.

“What do you mean, honey? What do you not want us to be involved in? You know we don't keep track unless you-” His mother paused like she knew herself that she had almost told a lie until she corrected it quickly. “Unless it's necessary.”

Hyungwon swallowed, uncomfortable with the conversation and what he was accusing his parents off. Manipulating his success was a pretty heavy accusation, but everything spoke for it, the strange pattern of following, how quickly he gained followers as soon he created another account with the same poems. Even his experiment with writing to two publishers, once with his real name and another with his pseudonym, gave him an immediate rejection with his real name. It didn't even take a day.

“I mean that I don't want you to get involved with my writing. It's enough, I'll take care of it myself and you don't want for it to be associated with my name. I'll do it on my own.”

“But we don't get involved with your writing, _cheri_ , you can write as much as y-”

“It doesn't matter, _maman_ , please don't get involved. Can you promise me that?” he interrupted and stared at a few of his favorite books on the bookshelf.

“I can, but I don't want you to be disappointed, Hyungwon, we know how fragile you are when it comes to writing,” his mother elaborated with a tender voice and Hyungwon could tell how she moved even closer to the phone. It must have been on the desk before.

His eyes burned at the words but he held back. He was a shitty crier, desperate and definitely not quiet and he didn't want Hoseok to hear, not immediately.

“I'm already disappointed,” he whispered, voice already at the edge of breaking as shivers passed down his back, spreading goosebumps. “But not in my writing.”

He hung up, knowing exactly what he would hear. It would be apologies, explanations that meant nothing and offers to give him everything to make it okay. There were going to be empty words, said just for him to succumb and accept them, to soften and cry at the situation until he was back to smiling and accepting it for what it was.

An apology and sudden success didn't simply undo years of believing he couldn't write for shit, not even good enough to be considered for the shittiest of newspapers. The years of accumulating failure while not allowing himself to see the one place he loved the most didn't transform into specks of dust that flew away with the wind.

It fucking hurt and he was a little hesitant to tell Hoseok, to tell somebody who had _real_ problems instead of fake failures that didn't mean anything. There was nothing to really cry about, he was healthy, received recognition and had somebody who loved him and his poetry without separating the two. He should have been happy that all those failures weren't real, that there was something enchanting about his work. But he only wanted to cry, tears collecting until they ran down his face like small streams. It was only a matter of time until Hoseok was going to be able to tell that he wasn't okay.

The black-haired man was going to come up the stairs, distracted by the whimpers because he was sensitive to sound, hearing the way Hyungwon's pen scratched over the paper.

Hoseok was going to enter the room and stare at him with wide eyes before wrapping his arms around him and kissing his tears away, one by one while telling him they were precious. Hyungwon would cry but a smile would appear on his features, wide and bright, just the way it always was, puffy cheeks hiding half of his eyes. It would look just the way it did back then, him in shorts with his knees covered in sand, eyes disappearing into crescent and long bony fingers reaching out for the other man.

He would cry in Hoseok’s arms, but it would be okay. They would step out onto the sand, leave winter behind them and make the summer eternal.

_After all it's not your problem anymore._

It was theirs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUMMER came to an end.
> 
> Thank you so much for staying with us during this emotional ride. This story was very special for us and we hope that you enjoyed it.  
> We would like to thank all of you who read, gave Kudos and commented on the chapters, thank you to those who wrote us private messages on twitter or sent fanarts to our e-mail address and to those who bought the hardcover version or the digital version of SUMMER. We are so happy to have you!
> 
> A big special 'Thank You' to C.Jarvers who wrote EVERY POEM for HYUNGWON besides those that were mentioned in the footnotes and our Beta-readers Molly and Natalie, who did an incredible job correcting our mistakes and making the fic better! We love you and are really, really thankful that you invested your time and effort into it and keep helping us out with each new story we start.
> 
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
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>   
>   
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